Thursday, March 26, 2015

Open your mouth let's talk about it! HIV is still alive and Well!

I am sickened once again and want to bring this subject back to your attention.  We are living in a day where HIV/AIDS isn't mainstream media coverage anymore, but it doesn't mean that it has gone away, isn't a threat, believe me it is still there and ready to jump on anyone it can come in contact with.  Remember, HIV doesn't care who you are, your ethnicity, your social status, or sexual preference, it will infect anyone that it comes in contact with.  I recently saw an article on the web about Atlanta, how more people there are being diagnosed with Full AIDS versus HIV.  That means there are too many people neglecting themselves.  It is everyone's job to Know Their Status.  It not only protects the one being tested but those they love and have sexual conduct with.

This morning a friend of mine sent me a report from POZ.Com which states that 91% of HIV passes from those that don't know their status or who are not in care.  This is a tremendous percentage and something that we need to talk about.  The United States has gone from a state of panic and awareness to a place of complacency and silence.  This is totally unacceptable!  Something must be done, and I am calling on you to help me reach out and spread the word.  I would like to see the end of HIV in my lifetime.  I have a group of friends and we go out and speak all the time trying to end fear, prejudice and misunderstandings about HIV/AIDS.  There are too many young people today that have no idea how they can contract the disease.  Today's youth those that are ages 17-30 don't seem to have a clue how or where they can contract this disease.  It is so bad in the area in which I live that a friend of mine was terrified the first time he came over to my house.  He didn't want to touch me, use any of my cups or utensils for fear of the disease, I didn't know it then.  But, by listening to me talk to others, he soon learned that HIV/AIDS wasn't something that could be picked up casually like an online date for the evening.  No, he found out that it was a blood borne disease and could only be transmitted if one had some type of mishap or had sexual relations without protection.

Once he explained to me how afraid he had been when he first met me, and how I had helped educated him on the disease all without my knowing that he was scared mind you.  This made me realize that I was doing something right.  I don't have a problem opening up to others and telling them my story.  I reveal to anyone who will listen my disease and what it can do and how it can be prevented.  The group I spoke about earlier is called the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau, whose aim it is to end stigma associated with HIV/AIDS, but we also seek to educated others about the disease, we try to show and demonstrate in our lives that this disease can happen to anyone. Our group is a cross-section of those we represent.  We are composed of both gay and straight men and women, minorities, and magnetic couples.  We don't discriminate at all we have come together with the realization that there is still too much ignorance in the world about this disease.  We all have different backgrounds, educations, religious preferences, nationalities  and races.  We are the changing Faces of AIDS.  No one on this planet is exempt from exposure and once you realize that the job of education and training becomes a much larger challenge.

Much to my dismay many of us who are infected find it hard to talk about our illness.  Why are we so shy when it comes to talking about HIV?  Many of the reasons could be: because of fear, fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being made and example of, fear of people making fun of us. Whatever it is that is keeping us from talking about it needs to be address and the only way to do that is by educating and personalizing the stigma associated with HIV/AIDs if we can rid ourselves of this fear we might more effectively reach a broader spectrum of people.  Fear and hysteria were hallmarks of the early years of this disease.  Widespread public panic forced pharmaceutical companies to invest billions of dollars into research, the government was pushed into action by appropriating money toward research, and the CDC was born.  Back then the new media broadcast stories about people suffering with AIDS, it became a household name.  But, fear ran wild in those days because there wasn't a clear understand of what the disease was or how it was transmitted.  It was commonly mislabeled as the Gay Disease, Gay Cancer, GRID and so forth.  However, this epidemic wasn't isolated to one specific group it soon moved to the rest of the population.  It went from an outbreak to and epidemic to a pandemic in less than 20 years.  There is still no cure for the disease but new testing has made early detection possible and new medications have come out that make it easier for an infected individual to live longer and stay healthier.   Times have changed and so have the attitudes of the people, but it is important to understand that just because these advancements come about doesn't mean that people aren't still dying from the disease.  Yes there is still money going into research, and everyday more and more information comes out about the virus.  But, it isn't news worthy, doesn't get the headlining like it used too.

Back in the 1990's a memorial quilt was made each panel was exactly 6' x 3' and was decorated by the people that loved and missed the person whose name was on the panel.  It used to be displayed all over the country at Gay Pride events.  Today, it has been retired and portions of it are displayed in Washington D.C. and other places.  Gay Pride events have become exaggerated craft fairs, concerts and commercialized, some education goes on but it is the secondary focus I am afraid.  Does the youth of today that visit these Pride events even know that there was a memorial AIDS Quilt?  Do they have any idea of what it was like to watch friends and family pass away with lesions and extreme complications to this horrible disease?  I don't think they do.  Those of us that are old enough to have lived through the 80's and 90's recall all of these things and so much more. We can tell you that the reason why the panels on the quilt were exactly 6' x 3' because it was the exact measurement of a coffin.  We were burying those we loved.  A whole was ripped into our society, loss and fear were rampant.  I would also hazard to guess that these younger generation kids don't even understand the significance of Gay Pride, and why we actually celebrate it yearly.  Who out there remembers the Stonewall Riots, the beginning of the Gay Pride movement, how we struggled for acceptance, equality and equal rights.  As I have said earlier times have changed, and we the custodians of knowledge have done a very poor job in educating those that come after us about the beginnings and reasons why we have some of the celebrations and memorial services that we do have.

If we can ever hope to get a handle on this disease and make sure that it finally ends within our lifetime is to take a bigger active role in this education process.  We have to shake these fears, and open our mouths, we must tell anyone who will listen about HIV/AIDS, dispel the lies, fears, and ignorance that surround this disease.  It can only get worse if we sweep it under the carpet and try to hide it. Does it really matter that people are living longer and are living healthier with the disease today?  Of course it does, but it doesn't end the hatred, fear, persecution and other stigmas associated with the disease.  Only by being transparent and letting the world know that we won't accept and tolerate these types of behavior anymore.  Plus, we need to emphasize the importance of getting tested regularly and KNOWING YOUR STATUS.

Please don't hide your head in the sand, it is everyone's responsibility.  How many of you know that 3 out of every 5 people you pass on the street are HIV positive and don't even know it.  Do you realize that in the United States that every 7 seconds another person is being diagnosed with HIV?  It is staggering to think about these things and yet so little is being done to educate our young people.  I live in Daytona Beach, Florida, and I live very close to Bethune-Cookman College which resides in the heaviest hit zipcode in Florida of HIV Infection.

Please take the time and talk to anyone around you who will listen to your story. You don't know who around you might need to be inspired by you and might gain hope just by hearing your testimony.  Encourage everyone you know to get tested regularly and to Know their Status, it might not only save their life, but those that they love and care about.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do you really think this way?

Tonight I have been tossing around several different ideas of what I wanted to write about.  I was sitting here talking to my friends all over the country. These are people that I have known for quite awhile, we are all older in our 30's and 40's.  Something came up in a discussion I was having with my dear friend Maritizio, I was explaining to him what had happened between me and my ex.  He knows both of us from our previous life in Atlanta, way before we relocated to Florida.  It dawned on me that the mentality of the people that I have dated in the past has certainly changed as I have gotten older.  See, when I was younger and serving in the Navy I had a boyfriend whose name was Andy.  We were together for a while but eventually as all things it ended.  Not really by choice I don't think but because of the situations we had found ourselves in.   He was still in the Navy and I ended up getting out. But, thinking back on my relationship with Andy, I realized that I could identify what was different.

It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew.  I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you.  But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation.  I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other.  I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again.  However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.

The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest.  I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010.  I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him.  We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup.  However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more.  It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other.  But, I want  you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well.  Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job.  I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will.  Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines.  Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems.  I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did.  But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.

Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on.  But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life.  The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me  or visiting me in the hospital daily.  I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times.  He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch.  I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish.  I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity.  It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion.  I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this.  Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.

Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation.  Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies.  An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room.  A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin.  I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left.  I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found.  Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth.  He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days.  I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.

Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta.  For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back.  I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them  It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming.  Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this.  Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time.  You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars.  Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there.  The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car.  I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona.  However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries.  Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back.  Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month.  It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.

In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing.  As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only.  As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.

So my original question was Do you really think this way?  I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty.  There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them.  The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other.  As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.

I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation.  After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity.  All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me.  For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used.  I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face.  Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from.  I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust.  I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

If you only knew

If only you could see the fear in my mind,
the doubt in my heart, then you might understand.

But to the world I only show a confidence and faith,
I show positive living and the light.

I have been called to use my voice to help those
who are victims of pain and strife.

But if you only knew what turmoils that
goes on sometimes inside.

I am human that is true
a war is being fought within my soul

You will never know I won't ever let it show
I walk in faith and in grace

I have been touch by the Hand of God,
I know that I am truly loved and blessed.

The Great Healer has heard all prayers
He has saved me so many times.

Now you know why I have to let my light shine.
It's my story and my song

If you only knew everything that I have been through
You would understand my faith and join in the praise

I want you to know I know what you are going through
I have been there right with you.  So are the angels that protect

You will never find yourself alone or a reject
If you only knew Jesus died for you.

Then you might be in harmony
and see the light that I have inside.

If you only knew God Loves you and
So do I.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Monday, March 23, 2015

Rainy Days and Sunshine

I have stood alone and faced the world for so long.  All my worries and troubles had no one to share, so I carried my burden day after day.

Seemed like the dark clouds would pass me by, but every morning they hadn't gone.  So I plodded on and on.  I couldn't see what was around me because my life was shrouded in gloom.  Often I would collapse at night in my room.  I didn't know what was going to happen, I just knew that something had to give.

As my storm clouds circled my head, my feet kept going in circle round and round.  I was doing the same things every day, no change, just the monotonous life, I was born to lead. Home, work, pay bills, eat and sleep and then start all over again.

I cannot tell you how many years have gone by locked in this endless pattern of wash, rinse and repeat.  I had tried it all the drugs, the sex, the gambling, and even some dangerous stuff.  There seemed to be no end to this rut I had fallen in.

Then one day you walked in, a breathe of fresh air, with that golden sunshine around you there.  I blinked and stared and knew right then that you were where and what I wanted to be.  I talked with you and walked with you.  My grey skies and clouds were pushed aside.  For in light no darkness can abide.

You were my friend, my companion, someone who was there to understand. We talked and laughed all the day through.  My life had changed just because of you.  But you know what is funny my dear, maybe I should whisper in your ear.

Your life was doom and gloom, before we met just as mine was.  Yet, once we met I have seen nothing but blue skies and sun.  My dull and boring life was now full of fun and life.  I cannot tell you what you mean, you brightened my world what more can I say.

Now I wake to sunshine, you have chased my rain away. So here I have to say so long to my rainy days.  It is you my friend who has brought it too and end.  If you could only see what I see reflected back at me from your eyes you would be surprised.

So smart and sure, and confident you are, I envy you and wish I was more like you.  You have come and left but my sunshine has remained.  I can't thank you enough for bringing it to an end.  Everyday I get to spend with you is so special a treat.

I pray one day that in the mirror you will see all that I can see that you can be. You need to have some faith in yourself, take your confidence and make a change.  You can be so much more than your are. Though I am not sure you know who you truly are.

A friend to me is what you are, someone that I would like to be, who I wish could see the strength that I see inside of you.  You do not quite yet comprehend who you will be when this journey ends.  The wheel of time continued to turn and so the years went by you would come every so often into my orbit, never staying for very long.

I am older, weaker now, frail and injured weary of soul, and finally you have come. In the past I have helped a little never much because you always fled.  I wanted us to be so more, but it wasn't meant to be.  I am your guardian, helper, teacher, and even more important your friend.  You are special to me, you came in my darkness and my stupor.  You saw my aimless wandering in the gloom, you never ever knew just the impact you brought.

As I have learned as you have been gone, it was the spark of life you brought to me in my darkest hour. You rescued me. talked with me and healed me. It was you my friend that built me up again when the one before had plunged me into this deep and dank dark.  You have built up my self-esteem, my confidence, and brought the sunshine back.

What can I do for you?  I wish you would tell me true.  I so envy you, but you are troubled and seem so alone, let me in I hate that you have had to roam so far from home to find a little bit of peace.  I had promised you so long ago that I was your friend and I meant that till my end.

Do you really know and understand that you are truly my friend.  A friend you see is more than just words, it is actions and deeds.  When I tell you that I love you do you truly understand?  Love is when you put another person needs above your own.

How can I relate to you what you truly mean?  You don't even see your own self worth.  I want you to stay, I want to teach you all I can, but I am not sure you understand.  If you stay and learn the person you are will be changed for ever more.  The more you learn the more knowledge you gain.  You will learn in due time that wisdom comes from Age plus Knowledge.  The path you seek is here indeed..

You chased my rainy days away filled my heart and my life full of sunshine.  I have a hope an inner peace that wasn't there until I met you. Your friendship changed my life.  An inner peace, an a thirst to learn.  From the time I met you I have increased my knowledge 100 fold.

If you are sincere, but be aware, what I have to teach took me a lifetime to learn, you must be willing to put in the time.  It will not be easy, you will want to quit, might hate me some but in the end you will have learned.  I hope you can understand what all I have planned, and I hope you will stay this time.

Before now other things came in between, I don't want to let it happen again. Our time is finally at hand, what you choose to do with it is up to you.  Take your time and decide, please don't turn and hide.  I want this to be just for you and me.

You are once again here and I love you my friend.  Remember it is till the end.

I hope you are my Best Friend

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sunday, March 22, 2015

A new Dawn

Last night I swear I was visited by my friend Mary, she kept me up most of the night but helped me work through some very tough and touchy issues that have been brought up in my life.  I keep coming back to her this morning as I sit here listening to Gospel music and thinking about my night.  I am reminded that I am not my illness, I am not my sexual preference, I am human, and I have a face and a name.  I want to remind each of us that we are all important, we each have a voice and a story to tell.  I encourage you to tell your story to anyone who will listen to you.  Because, you never know what the person next to you is going through.   The pain that you have felt  will be conveyed in your story through the power of your voice, and you don't know how much that pain you have experienced will help the next person.  I have told you so many times before that you never know where a casual conversation is going to take you.

I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past.  See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on.  I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay.  Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.

Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not.  It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you.  But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels.  You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner.  Take back that power that has  been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.

Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror.  It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey.  They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in.  Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey.  You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.

I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you.  If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have.  From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door.  For you are loved, blessed and favored!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Reinvention is convention

Everything travels in a spiral.
What was will come again just you wait and see.
You created this invention which we call life.
Yet when it's filled with strife.
Reinvention could be the solution can't you see

I have lived this life before
So I already know the score
I have warn this suit of life to long
Reinvention can't be done I am not that strong

I have traveled far and wide
I have left nothing to hide
I bear my soul for all to see
If I didn't you wouldn't know me.

Reinvention is convention
don't you see
it is the only way that you can really breathe
You are young enough to pull it off, all I am ready for is my pension

Laugh it off,
Shake it off,
nothing really matters,
because your just going to have to do it all over again.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Friday, March 20, 2015

Wrong turns and uturns

For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character.  I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around.  I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened.  Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are.  My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.

Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover.  I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus.  I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place.  But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing.  I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time.  My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt.  He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.

I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings.  That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family.  Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.

How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process?  How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else?  I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him?  Am I a friend?  I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.

It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around.  My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns.  I  want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again.  I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.

I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me.  I have failed  before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves.  They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship.  Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of.  He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all.  I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.

I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return.  I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance.  However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away.  Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.

So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume.  So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly.  That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.

What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years.  I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path?  Am I going to always walk this path alone?  Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life.  For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.

Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for.  It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend.  But, it didn't happen and it won't.  I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.

So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again.  I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure.  Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.

I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend.  It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke.  He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.

Break that pattern before it breaks you.  Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events.  I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.

Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt.  I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again.  I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway.  So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.

I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Wow i have been living in it!

It is funny because someone asked me yesterday why it seems that I keep going back? Back to Atlanta, back to ex-boyfriends, back to people who hurt me?  You know I didn't have an answer ready for that question. As a matter of fact I didn't sleep much last night at all because my mind kept mulling over that question. No matter what I did or tried to do, I couldn't get my mind to shut off at all and so I laid in bed and I thought and I thought.  This was  a troubling thought because I had just written an entry about letting go and leaving it alone.  But the hours wore on and still no answer came to me.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I heard the answer to my unspoken request.  It is funny that when God chooses to answer you it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing.  So I was in the shower washing my hair when I heard the answer like someone was there talking to me.

Some of you have known me since high school, others from just out of school, others more recently, then there are the people that have never met me except through my blog.  I may never get to meet some of you, and others I have, but the long and the short of it is I have been living in fear. That is right I have been letting FEAR hold me back and not let me move totally forward like I should have been doing.  See the fear of rejection has had me captive, my body and my mind have been willing participants in this war of attrition that I am apparently losing.  I have written to you before about my inner feelings and how I felt that my life as a gay man was over.  I now had scars both internal and external. I had the colostomy bags and stomas to contend with as well as trying to figure out a way to hide the colostomy bag that I now have to wear constantly. Fear can keep you locked firmly in one place if you let it. Which apparently I have done for years and didn't even knowing that I was doing it. I knew that I didn't like them and it took a long time to come to accept that they were now a part of my daily life and I would have it always and forever.

Not only were the bags the thing that was holding me back but my mind played into that battle as well. I had to come to accept myself all the changes in all, before I could hope to have someone else find me attractive.  But I have finally come to grips with both my illness as well.  See, I don't believe that an individual has the ability to change, I believe that we adapt and grow to accept certain things, but I don't think we change at all. The core being of who you are remains intact and only the barest of outside changes to the eyes of others.  I call this evolving.  We adapt and change to the environment we are in so that we can survive and make the most of what we have at our disposal.

It has just been in the past few days that I have become comfortable with myself and the bags that I can talk about them freely, I can now educate others on them and how to use them.  Before I would hide them any way. I would put them under ace bandages and clothing, so no one could see them if they looked at me.  But the excess of clothing and the ace bandage made me sweat in the Florida heat, and for no good reason as I would sweat the adhesive on the bag would start to come off.  Also if I showered and didn't dry the adhesive quite thoroughly with a hair dryer it would also start to come off of my skin.  But, now that I have come to grips with my situation and have realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do about the condition.  I can tell you about it and show you but it is the one thing that is keeping me alive and well at the moment, and I believe that it is important for me to continue doing that since I believe that God still has some more for me to do.

So what am I talking about?  I am telling you that I couldn't move forward, I was stuck and kept looking backward.  I know that I have been telling all of you that you can't move forward if your eyes are constantly looking backward, and you also can't move forward if you are carrying the baggage of the past with you.  I did not realize that I was always looking backward till a friend of mine pointed it out.  So just like the entry that I wrote to you the other day that sometimes we don't know what we have and it has been there all the time and right under our nose.  Here I was doing what I was telling you not too and the answer has always been right there under my nose.

Fear can paralyze you and keep you from taking a step forward or backward.  You become motionless and nothing you do will allow you to move from that exact spot.  So my fear of rejection and acceptance because of the colostomy bag and the scars that I have on my chest, may be real, but it is something that I can let go of.  I have come to accept me for me, and I don't really care what other people have to say about what I have been through.  I swear that I have taken the blinders off of my eyes and I have stopped looking downward, and I see so many things now that I never saw before.  But beyond all of that I have come to realize that my friend was right and I have been hiding and craving the past to return. However, the problems that caused you and your ex to break up are still going to be there. So it never works out exactly as planned. I am no longer afraid, and I have decided to put my heart and my life back out there and see what happens.

I had told my best friend that I have given up on love, and I am just looking for a companion that I can go to the movies with and who wants to hang out with me.  I have grown and my knowledge has increased and with that I think that I can move on and finally leave the past exactly where it belongs in the past.

As always my hopes and dreams are going to have to take the backseat as I start chemotherapy on April 10, 2015.  I hope you will you will read and get it right from the beginning. Please don't make the same mistakes I have made. Look around you the person you are looking for is right there in front of you. Neither one of you may even be aware of it.  But sooner later the love that you feel will be get stronger and before you know it will be in full bloom.

My concerns are real, the gay community is all about the looks, and guess what I don't have them anymore since of all the surgeries.  I know that I probably will never find someone that would be able to accept me for me and look beyond the illness's and scars that I have. But I am content in the knowledge that I have had it, been it and done it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Leave it alone!

I know that I have talked to you extensively in 2012 about the past, but something has been in my spirit today and God has been telling me that I needed to put this back out there for someone.  I am not sure who you are, but I am positive that God wants you to remember this simple fact.

So tonight I am going to talk to you about the past.  See there is nothing you can do to change the past, what has happened cannot be changed no matter what you wish.  I have to tell you that when you look back over your life, you are going to see so many things that you will want to change.  But the secret here is that you can do nothing but change whatever it is inside of you that made you act that way.  It was your actions, choices, deeds and who you hung around that influenced those actions that caused those mistakes.  If you truly want to learn and change then you have to self reflect, you have to do some deep soul searching. The answer is right there inside of you.  You have to change yourself, change your environment, change those that you associate with.  In other words, if you are truly serious about change you need to start over, reinvent yourself.  Take those pains and aches of the past and turn them around.  Know that you can, you are the only one that has that power.  Remember looking backwards is 20/20, you can see everything when you look backwards.  Here is something that you might not realize, but the past starts right now, this very moment. You have to understand that everything up until this exact moment is your past.  For we do not know what the next minute will bring, but because we are here and looking at this the present and the past must at some point must be one.

You cannot step forward, move into a new relationship or try anything new if you are carrying the baggage of  your past with you.  It will weigh you down and throw more stumbling blocks in your way at every turn.  You have to accept the past and accept that you can do nothing about it. You may be able to learn from it and change the way you act if a similar situation comes your way.  However, I have to tell you if you keep picking up that baggage no one is going to be able to handle all that you bring to the table. It will overwhelm those you are trying to start something with. So it is very important to forgive yourself and others so that you have the closure you need so that you can move on.  Once you have closure you can drop those bags from the past that are weighing you down so heavily.  Forgiveness is for you and you alone.  Surrender your self-pity, and regain your self-esteem because you achieve balance by seeking knowledge. Truth and harmony are right there for you to pick up and take forward with you, but if your hands are full with your baggage of the past how can you pick up anything else?

You have to remember yesterday is dead and gone.  You must deal with it as you do with all the things from your past, you must walk this walk alone.  Remember that God is just a call away and will help take that burden off of your shoulders, but you have to be 100 percent honest with yourself and Him.  Keep in mind that tomorrow has yet to begin and anticipate the journeys that may come to you on the new dawn.  Adventure awaits the souls that are free, and who live in the moment.  Time has no meaning now as the divine descends upon you.  In the morning all things seem possible, there are no mistakes it is a clean new day.  The slate has been cleansed and you get to start all over again.  God will never ever give you more than you can handle.  All the turmoil, adversity, hurt, and loss only serve to make you stronger.  They give you hope for a new day and new start.  Give thanks for the adversity that comes to you, because the next time you will have the knowledge and the strength to withstand it.

No one ever promised that life was easy.  Who told you that you would only have a garden full of roses?  If you had just roses the thorns would be so sharp that you wouldn't be able to enjoy them at all.  But your garden is full of flowers, weeds, bees and so many other things. It is the variety and the spice that gives us adventure and life.  Make the most of every day because they are a gift from God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?

Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life?  How many of you are looking for love?  How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is?  Just last week I told you what I was looking for.  Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place.  I couldn't find it, and neither will you.  Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places.  The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground.  Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.

Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be.  I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations.  I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants.  I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most.  You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within.  Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.

What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before.  I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown.  I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before.  I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.

I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on  a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them.  By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times.  Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you.  I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away.  I have found that life is something that is worth living.  I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me.  But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on.  But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.

Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again.  None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming.  No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening.  It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen.  As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you.  However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow.  I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.

The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again.  Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone.  I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again,  I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die.  It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.

So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places.  It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair.  They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives.  But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it.  We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered.  So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail.  But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me.  However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me.  I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.

But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire.  Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own.  He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time.  Just you wait and see.  I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel.  If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I believe in miracles yes I do

Do you believe in miracles? I have to tell you that I do, I believe in big miracles as well as small miracles.  See, when the sun rises in the morning I count that as a miracle and my eyes opening up to see the sun crest the horizon is a blessing.  I see the bud's of the tree blossoming as a miracle, how the winter turns to spring as a miracle.  You may not, but I do these are little miracles that happen around us, yet we are too busy to see them or notice them.  Then there are the big OMG miracles.  Like, when I had my aneurysm and I had all those many blood transfusions, I know it was an Angel that came to me and saved my life.  Because there is no record of this nurse working on that floor or any other floor that very night and when I asked no one knew who she was or where she came from.  Now, this is not the first time that I have had an intervention like that, but I sure hope it is the last.

I keep telling you that God's time is not our time, that He comes and does as He wills, yet He is always on time and never late.  I have been told all my life that I was an Angel here on earth, that I was born to ease the suffering of others and you know what?  That is exactly what I have been doing my entire life and never even knew it.  My grandmother told me this the day she died.  I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now.  Most of you know me personally or have read my blog and know of me.  I have walked a dark and lonely road, but a road of my own choosing. I chose to walk along the drug dealers, the addicts, the prostitutes, yet in all of that I never lost the sight in my Lord and Savior, and those who came to know me saw the light that show inside of me, and gravitated to the positive energy I have always displayed.

No matter the circumstances, I have always maintained a positive outlook and attitude for those around me to see.  Very few people have ever seen me down for long, and if they have then they were very special people to me indeed.  God has granted me patience and discernment, and a slight ability to prophesy, but the most important thing that God has given me is the ability to excel under stress and pressure.  People that I used to work with at the State of Georgia used to call me a miracle worker and when I was in the Navy I could pull things together fast.  I learned who my key resources were and I just utilized them to my benefit, and I still do some of that in limited form today in my current life.

But, most importantly I am happy to say that when my world got a little darker yesterday afternoon.  I couldn't shake the nagging fear I was feeling nor could I get over the fact that I had been down this exact road not too very long ago, I wanted to bemoan and lament that it wasn't fair that I didn't want to do it again, and why me?  But something most extraordinary happened this very evening as I was sitting here writing my first blog entry.  I heard from someone who I had not thought I would ever hear from again. Someone I had once counted as a friend who I accidentally betrayed and sent away. It is sad but true we had parted on extremely bad terms, and I have had to deal with the guilt of that for almost 2 years.  As he got out of my car he turned and he looked at me and told me that I wasn't acting very much like a best friend, with that he closed the door and left me and that was the last time I laid eyes on him.  Yet, today a day when the world seemed to be crashing around my ears, the words that the doctors had told me yesterday were finally sinking in and I was feeling more and more like my life was spinning out of control my phone rang, and on the other end was the friend that I thought I had lost, and he was in trouble.  He needed me and I realized that I needed him just as much.

Funny how God has done that to the two us, there have been several times in our past that we have needed each other.  For years and years we had been there for each other and I let someone else into my life, and that person I don't know why or how colored my eyes against my friend and didn't want me to have anything to do with him.  I got mad at the wrong person and I did things that I am not proud of at all.  I turned my back on a friend, I didn't even listen to what he had to tell me. I made a snap and summary judgement because the person I was dating was trying to manipulate me and he did a good job.  As a matter of fact he almost destroyed me, and he damn near killed my friendship with this person.  Yet today when my mood was feeling low, and I was trying how I was going to handle all this knowledge that I had gotten from the doctor yesterday my phone rang and it was my friend Victory! He would kill me if he was here right now and saw the name that I have given him. But let me tell you something as far as I am concerned his is my Victory and my Triumph over this dread spirit that had come over me.  I had just tried to get in touch with him over the past weekend and out of the clear blue sky, my phone rang and it was him.  I am telling you it was a miracle, God knew what He was doing and He knew exactly who and what I needed to snap me out of this funk that was tangling me up in it's clutches.

I have to tell you that if ever 2 people needed each other it was the two of us. I had been feeling guilty about the past, and worried about the future. He was sitting in custody where he had been for 10 months, and he just tried my number after all of this time. Once I heard his voice and knew what he needed I didn't hesitate at all I sprang into action.  Within 2 hours I had talked to his mom, and the bondsman and knew that I was going to get him out of jail.  It would take me and his mom working together to pull this off but I knew what I was going to do before he even asked.  I am waiting for him to be released now.  I wish he was here, so I could honestly tell him thank you.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I think we have saved each other several times over the years, but today he saved me from my own worst enemy...myself!

I have to take a brief moment here and say "Thank you my Heavenly Father for bringing him back into my life, I am so glad that I was here to help when I was needed.  You have sustained me and made it possible for all of these things to fall in place.  I never knew why you brought Lonnie and Alicia into my life but now I do, You did it so I would know who to call and what to do when today came.  Had it not been for the training and the ropes that those two put me through I would never have been able to accomplish everything that I did tonight. So thank you Lord for this training and blessing, I am sorry I have ever doubted that You.  I should have known that You kept me here just for this very moment."  Amen.

Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years and was humbled and trained to lead the children of Israel home from Egypt.  I was held in place and kept from moving on so that I could be in this exact place at the moment that I was needed.  There can be no other explanation, I had planned to move to PA and I have kept trying to get off of probation so I could go help my mother, yet something had tied me to Holly Hill and I haven't left yet.  It was the Hand of God restraining me and keeping me till I was needed.  I am thankful that I was here and that I was able to do my part.  I needed to hear my friends voice today, and he needed me.  So if you ask me that was definitely a miracle in and of itself.

So yes I believe in miracles, I believe that they happen around us everyday all day, and we are too wrapped up in ourselves and in our own lives that we miss them, but they are there if we just take some time and slow down long enough to appreciate them.  I have to tell you that today is one of the happiest days of my life.  It is not everyday that God grants you the ability to correct a wrong that you have committed against another person.  It also isn't too often that things fall into the right place so that we are available to respond to another person's need.  I am truly blessed that both of these things were available to me.

I have learned my lesson of that you can be sure, and I will never miss another miracle that comes my way, because I know what to look for now big and small.

I hope you do too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Do not Surrender

It is amazing the things that you can hear when you just sit there and listen.  Last evening a friend of mine from the Snellville days contacted me via Facebook.  She talked and I listened to what she was willing to share with me. As she was talking she said that a true friend never gives up on another friend.  As I lay in the bed I began to think on this and ponder it some more. If you are my friend on Facebook you know that I was unable to sleep last night because my brain seemed to be working in over time.  That simple statement tugged at me and pulled at me, so I began to think about my life long friends.  The ones that I have had for 30 + years. I analyzed the characters of these friends and their caliber.  I wanted to know what made them tick and how we remained friends for so long.

I can honestly say that two of my friends have been through it all with me, the thick, the thin, the boyfriends, the relationships, the moves from Atlanta, to Pennsylvania, to Arlington, back to East Point and so forth.  These two people are rare in the fact that if they had not been in my life I would have died a long time ago.  One of them gave me inspiration and hope while the other one held my hand and cried with me.  Sa'corey knows what I am talking about because he was the one that sat on my bed with me and cried with me when I found out I was HIV + and again when I found out that they were going to have to remove my large intestines.  He wiped my tears, held my hand and let me cry on his big shoulders.  My friend John pulled my head out of depression and set me straight on the path that I am on now.  He looked at me one day shortly after they had removed all the staples from my abdomen and told me that he wanted to know where I was, where was the real Bryan, because the Bryan he was seeing wasn't the person he grew up with.  He told me that he admired me and that I had been the type of person that would set their mind to a task and just go out an get it.  A person who was confident and sure of what he was doing and wasn't afraid to learn new things.

That night I thought about what he had said and I wondered if he was correct if I had lost a part of me.  The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that they were both right.  Sa'corey told me that I was a strong person and I could face what was happening too me and I would win and beat it.  John had pointed out that I was a leader and not a follower, that I had given a part of myself away and that I needed to reclaim it, for if I did I would be able to conquer anything that was thrown at me..  Now you can imagine what my life was like at that time.  I had serious doubts about everything, I had seen the specialist in New York and I knew that nothing could be done about my condition. The damage was done when they operated the first time.  Dreading and fretting that my life as a gay man was over terrified me and weakened me.  But, because of my best friends surrounding me and encouraging me to stay vigilant and strong, because they knew I was going to own this dragon or demon that had attached itself too me.

Upon reflection John was absolutely right I had lost my focus, my drive and my will to survive, and those were the very things I was going to need to rise up and fight this battle.  Sa'corey and John saw something in me and knew that God was with me.  Sa'corey sat with me the night before my surgery and he told me that there were angels all around me and that the light coming from me was brighter than ever. I knew in that moment just how Love, Blessed and Anointed I was, and I was to learn that I was also favored.  I knew in my heart that I was going to make it through the surgery and live, because I knew that God had work for me to do.  This is how awesome God is, that surgery that I had in September of 2007 was more extensive and invasive than the first surgery that I had back in 2005, yet I felt no pain.  My original surgery the pain was so great that I had to walk around the house for hours to lessen it's grip on me.  But I swear to you that I had no pain with this  surgery at all.  I did however lose a lot of weight and started running a high temperature it got as high as 103.7 and when the fever hit me I was unable to walk.

My mother and her friend literally picked me up and put in the car and drove me to the hospital.  Under my staples and abscess had formed and my body was getting weaker and weaker.  The doctors were relying on antibiotics, but that wasn't what was needed at all.  On the third day of the IV antibiotics the surgeon came in and told me that if something didn't change soon that my body was going to shut down and I would drift to sleep and never wake up.  I don't know why I thought that was funny but at that very moment I started to laugh and it was a good laugh it filled my lungs, and bolstered my courage.  So I asked the doctor for some hydrogen peroxide and some que-tips because I couldn't stand how crusty and nasty my staples had become.  He told the nurse to bring it too me that I couldn't hurt myself that I had already gone septic.  She brought me those long wooden que-tips and a small cup full of hydrogen peroxide.  She left the room and I set about to start cleaning my wounds and staples.  Maybe it was the hands of an angel that guided my hand as I made the first mistake, which turned out to be the proper course of action.

I had started cleaning the middle staples because these were the worst crusted of all of them.  Because that was where the initial infection had started and where the puss came from. I dipped the cotton end into the solution and I set out to get all the gunk off of me.  If I was going to die then no one was ever going see this.  That is when it happened my hand slipped and the cotton end glided across the staple surface and went directly into the wound and when I pulled it out the puss and infections started erupting from my abdomen. I called the nurse who brought me sterile gauze and peroxide. For almost and hour and half that wound drained. The very next morning I woke up feeling great I looked down at my stomach and the infection seemed to have vanished.  The doctor came in a bit later and told me that I did what modern medicine couldn't do.  I saved my self by accidentally slipping and puncturing the main pocket of infection and as we were cleaning it out my body went on over drive and defeated  what was remaining.

Why am I telling you all of this?  It is because if I can come through all this adversity and survive so can you. I was born with a fractured skull, my parents were told that I would have brain damage and that I probably would never walk or talk. Well I started talking a little after my first birthday and they haven't been able to shut me up yet.  My mother and father will tell you I have never met a stranger, that I look and bring out the good in people. I am very social and love helping others and. of course I love to write and talk.  But why the title Do not Surrender?  What am I trying to tell you?

My friends whenever someone is told that they have cancer they automatically believe that their life is going to end and they are going to wither away and die.  Some of them might, but most will find that the new treatments are not as harsh as the ones I had to take and there is a much higher success rate with the newer drugs.  So there is hope .  Look I am going lay it out for you straight and to the point. Last year in 2014 I was told that I had 6 terminal illnesses and I had an aneurysm which caused me to need 28 blood transfusions.  I also suffered from a severe case of osteomilitis and was almost paralyzed my spinal cord was seriously compromised.  Yet, when Grace from physical therapy came in that first day and told me that I was going to be stuck in that chair for the rest of my life.  I literally laughed at her like I did the doctor in 2007.  Difference this time was some permanent damage, my spinal column has collapsed due to hundreds of microfractures in my thoracic spine.  The damage has been confirmed to be between the T5 and the T10 vertebrea.  With that being said my rib cage is compressed and I cannot fully expand my lungs because it hurts too bad. Oh and by the way within 2 weeks of her telling me that I would never walk again I carried myself to the gym after training hours and I worked out on the balance bars, I drug my feet along and forced them to work and I was rewarded by being able to walk. Once i left the wheel chair I went to the 2 wheeled walker and had that for about a month or so and then I had  the 4 wheeled walker and though I still have the 4 wheeled walker I no longer need it. I walked out of the nursing home using my cane and today I don't have to have any type of  device to help me walk at all.

Now I have gone through all of these things to show you that no matter what you are going through or what you have to face that God has got you. You do not need to worry, lay your problems at His feet and walk away leaving them there because He will take care of them.  Just keep in mind that our time is not His time.  We might begin to panic but remember that God is always on time.

Do not surrender to your illness, do not surrender to depression, do not surrender to peer pressure, and do not surrender to temptation.  Remember that God has got you, He has a host of angels that surround you. But, most importantly keep in mind that this too shall pass.  No problem is as permanent as the solution.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open a new window via technology of today.

In a world that has grown so cold and impersonal it is funny how we go about making friends these days.  When I was young we met new people at school, the library, roller rink, and other events which required us to meet that person directly face to face and in person.  Today, with the advent of computers and the evolution of software to create social media has changed the world in many ways.  One of which is how we meet and interact with people.  With the internet and then social media barriers and borders were crossed and people started to communicate with people all across the world.  No longer did it actually matter where you lived physically you could and do meet them virtually.

There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up.  But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to?  See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.

What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face?  Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line?  Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people.  Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to?  Is that really a current picture of him?  Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear?  Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself.  What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?

I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics.  They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you.  Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them.  They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart.  There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.

I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see.  That  way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time.  They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper.  I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.

But I was cautious when I met him.  He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando.  The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along.  John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room.  However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong.  Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other.  John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time.  Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came.  Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like.  I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together.  My dream was coming true.

But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then.  Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web.  Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook.  Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born.  It is the virtual relationship or friendship.  However, somethings get lost in translation.  You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message.  You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.

I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe.  Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way.  At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation.  I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.

Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone.  You are beginning to think that you are really into this person.  They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like.  Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model  or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like.  But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face.  9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate.  Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.

You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this.  For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society.  One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing.  Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice.  You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside.  Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one.  But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge.  Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.

There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either.  Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything.  I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them.  Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset.  Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected.   Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around.  Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them?  The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.

I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations.  You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit.  You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another.  Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night.  You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other.  Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with  you and that you have each others backs.  Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.

Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where.  Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call.  Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry.  I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because  I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.

Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B