Do you really think this way?

Tonight I have been tossing around several different ideas of what I wanted to write about.  I was sitting here talking to my friends all over the country. These are people that I have known for quite awhile, we are all older in our 30's and 40's.  Something came up in a discussion I was having with my dear friend Maritizio, I was explaining to him what had happened between me and my ex.  He knows both of us from our previous life in Atlanta, way before we relocated to Florida.  It dawned on me that the mentality of the people that I have dated in the past has certainly changed as I have gotten older.  See, when I was younger and serving in the Navy I had a boyfriend whose name was Andy.  We were together for a while but eventually as all things it ended.  Not really by choice I don't think but because of the situations we had found ourselves in.   He was still in the Navy and I ended up getting out. But, thinking back on my relationship with Andy, I realized that I could identify what was different.

It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew.  I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you.  But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation.  I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other.  I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again.  However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.

The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest.  I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010.  I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him.  We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup.  However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more.  It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other.  But, I want  you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well.  Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job.  I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will.  Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines.  Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems.  I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did.  But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.

Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on.  But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life.  The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me  or visiting me in the hospital daily.  I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times.  He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch.  I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish.  I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity.  It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion.  I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this.  Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.

Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation.  Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies.  An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room.  A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin.  I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left.  I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found.  Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth.  He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days.  I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.

Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta.  For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back.  I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them  It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming.  Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this.  Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time.  You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars.  Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there.  The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car.  I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona.  However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries.  Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back.  Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month.  It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.

In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing.  As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only.  As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.

So my original question was Do you really think this way?  I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty.  There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them.  The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other.  As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.

I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation.  After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity.  All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me.  For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used.  I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face.  Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from.  I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust.  I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Ever Hear Somebody Say "I'm Grown"?

Today I have been talking about things that the younger crowd are saying.  Such as "Keeping it Real", "Real Talk", "Keep it 100" and other things.  But there is one that I hear a lot of people saying it, the unfortunate problem is if you are saying it, then it probably is an inaccurate statement.  If you have to run around and tell someone that "I am grown dammit" then guess what you have done something that proves you aren't.  Most people say things when they are confronted and they don't want to accept the blame, or are on the defensive.  You telling me to mind my own business because you are grown, just proves to me that you aren't, that you are acting immature and aren't even willing to discuss whatever it is that is going on.  I have been dealing with youth and slang for as long as I can remember. My nephew is 21 years old, as a matter of fact just turned it last month, he started living with me and being around me all the time when he was about 13 to 15 somewhere in there.  Basically I raised him and tried to bring him up the best way that I knew how.  Yes, I went through all the teen angst and rebellion, not to mention all the usual slang terminology that we are discussing today.  I also raised a dear friend of mine's grandson after she passed away in 2008, he just happened to be my nephew Kodi's best friend named Bobby.  Now for you that haven't put it all together, Bobby is the same Bobby that has been mentioned in some of my blog entries. He is an ex.  Yes I dated him, he was 18 when we started started dating each other. Which was kind of awkward me trying to be a parent and boyfriend at the same time.  Honestly, didn't turn out well.

Anyhow, back on the topic of "I'm Grown". I have come to understand and realize that anytime someone is throwing it about, means that they are in an uncomfortable position, they feel challenged and are on the defensive.  Probably because you are questioning them on why they did something, or why they were acting a certain way, or doing something that you didn't quite understand.  Anyone or more of these reasons could be why.  Something has caused you to call them on their behavior and they are feeling vulnerable and threatened, have locked down in a defensive stance and you are probably not going to get anywhere further with them in this discussion.  You are going to have to regroup yourself and try a different tactic if you really want to discuss with them the matter, because once they have locked down with I'm grown, trust me you aren't going to get any further with them.

What I want my younger readers to understand, if you really and truly are grown, you will never have to throw that out there. Your actions are going to prove to us that you are grown, and that you can handle yourself with dignity and maturity and being grown has nothing to do with it.  So why do you feel you need to point out to someone that you feel you are grown and can handle whatever the situation is? Because, clearly you can't and it is obvious to those of us that are trying to help you and offer advice.  Shutting down and locking out those that care about you is self-defeating and limits your ability to utilize their experience and advice to your advantage.  Further, if you think you are grown and a man or woman and can handle yourself accordingly then why are we having a discussion in the first place? See your actions or behavior have brought to a point that has us worried and we are trying to help you, do the right thing by you and protect you.  Trust me when I tell you everyone of us needs another person out there looking out for us, helping us or protecting us, because life is harsh, unfair and can beat you down to a breaking point.  When someone is reaching out to you with compassion and concern, it is in your best favor to accept it graciously and move on.

Now, Bobby and Kodi were constantly getting into drugs and experimenting with things and drinking and partying all night, and it wasn't till both of them suffered an overdose of drugs that they understood my concern, and why I was so hard on them, and after them to cut down, be careful, to think first, etc.  Bobby went into seizures and fits of unconsciousness and had to be taken away by ambulance that is how bad it had gotten. We had fought just that afternoon about his drug usage and what could happen and he told me to Fuck off he was grown and knew what he was doing. Do you know that after they pumped his stomach and gave him fluids I got a call from him, telling me how sorry and stupid he had been. That he had acted out and rebelled because he thought that he was impressing me and others by acting like he was grown. He learned a lesson but the hard way.  Kodi had it a bit easier, he was sick as a dog, and ended up having to go to the hospital but didn't do near as much as Bobby had and didn't have to go through the stomach pumping and fluid flushing procedure, but both of them that night learned that just because you say it to yourself and others, doesn't actually make it so.

As we grow and mature we go through rites of passage, these are milestones that signify the departure from childhood into adulthood.  You can probably look at it this way, they are the terrifying and traumatic events that transform a child into an adult, and yes that transformation and metamorphosis is usually terrifying, scary and traumatic to those going through them.  Adolescence and the changes the body is going through as well as all the things your mind has to go through can be a daunting experience, and we know that it is life changing, because once a child enters puberty or adolescence they come out on the other side an adult.  You can't rush these changes, you have to experience them, live through them, and learn from them.  Life is all about growing up, maturing, reaching a higher level of understanding and consciousness, but it is also about being reborn, transformed and molded by our experiences and the lessons we learn along the way.  Remember that I keep telling you that it is the journey that makes the person not the places they stop, because we are constantly growing and traveling, it is the path that we take that mold us and shape us into the people we are today. The places we stop and rest are way points or rest stops along in a never ending journey, they are not what defines us.

So please stop telling us you are grown, you can handle it, instead show us. Prove to us that you are an adult and a man and that you can handle the challenges life throws at you with integrity, honor and maturity, and when you do, I promise you we will stop trying to help you and protect you as much.  I can't tell you that we are going to totally stop, that we are not going to keep worrying about you, or offering advice, or help along the way, we are human and we care about you. We don't want you to forget that we are there for you and are your support network, that we have had experiences you haven't yet and can possibly offer you an alternative you haven't even considered.  So be patient with us as we are with you.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, it only gets harder from here.  Enjoy being taken care of and looked after by your parents and your family.  You have no idea of what bills really are or what responsibilities come with growing up. Enjoy your youth and childhood while you can, try not to be so hard on your parents and those that are trying to care for you. They just want to protect you and keep you from making the same mistakes they made, they want to save you from the pain that they went through and endured on their rite of passage.  Listen to what advice they have to offer, you might be surprised at how well most of it is going to work out in your favor and will make your life so much easier.   Try to be a little more open and honest with yourself and your parents, because it will make growing up that much easier for you.

If nothing else please don't tell us you're grown when clearly we can see that you aren't. Remember you won't have to tell me I will be able to see it. Because you demonstrate it in your words, thoughts, actions and reactions to each and every situation. You will be amazed at how perceptive parents and loved ones can be. They might even know you have reached adulthood before you have.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B