Time marches swiftly on and waits for no one. Hours turn to days, days into months, and months into years. Nights blend to days as the earth travels around the sun, those months turn to seasons and the seasons mark the year. Nothing can bind the hands of time. Like a tightly wound spring our lives slowly wind down as the second hand ticks around the clock. Life has a limited amount of a lotted time. Like a grandfather clock that is wound daily and eventually winds down so does the body wind down. Wrinkles, gray hair and other signs are developed and shows the passage of time.
Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go. Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain. I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.
I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me. Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has. I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.
When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things. My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly. Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye, and what have I accomplished? What is the mark that I leave upon this world?
It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone. Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart. I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity. It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.
I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity. I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won. Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.
I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am. I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things. One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend. Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me. I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.
Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one. I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything. I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith. This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.
Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time. It is late in my life that I have come to this. I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs. I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career. I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you. I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired. I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.
Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn. Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning. I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way. I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way. Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn. There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.
I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time. Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay. For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain. I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again. I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting. I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations. Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.
As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend. I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way. I hope that you see me in each new day.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time
Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Act your age not your shoe size
It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed. I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others. The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place. I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster. Unfortunately I was right. While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.
Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it. Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items. While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight. I have a one bedroom one bath apartment. So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with. Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay. He sent me the question in a text message.
Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon. I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him. I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks. If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title. I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.
What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out. It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl. I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something. Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now. Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately. I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.
Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense. Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves. Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older. I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.
On the flip side, I have a friend that got a girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it. He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.
We all can act childish and foolish from time to time, but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do. These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.
Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away. Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.
I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react. I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old. The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes. It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date. which I think is the key to this whole entry. Maturity level is what this entry is all about. See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.
I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are. But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are. You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them. Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new. You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on. This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.
It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is. See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear. But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are. As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level. Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete. Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.
I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them. Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly. Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time. You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break. I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship. i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star. You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.
Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit, or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with. Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know. It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.
Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere. Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does. So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level. Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.
One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance. You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it. Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items. While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight. I have a one bedroom one bath apartment. So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with. Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay. He sent me the question in a text message.
Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon. I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him. I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks. If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title. I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.
What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out. It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl. I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something. Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now. Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately. I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.
Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense. Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves. Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older. I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.
On the flip side, I have a friend that got a girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it. He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.
We all can act childish and foolish from time to time, but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do. These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.
Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away. Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.
I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react. I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old. The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes. It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date. which I think is the key to this whole entry. Maturity level is what this entry is all about. See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.
I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are. But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are. You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them. Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new. You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on. This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.
It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is. See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear. But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are. As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level. Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete. Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.
I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them. Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly. Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time. You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break. I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship. i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star. You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.
Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit, or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with. Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know. It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.
Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere. Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does. So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level. Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.
One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance. You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Do you really think this way?
Tonight I have been tossing around several different ideas of what I wanted to write about. I was sitting here talking to my friends all over the country. These are people that I have known for quite awhile, we are all older in our 30's and 40's. Something came up in a discussion I was having with my dear friend Maritizio, I was explaining to him what had happened between me and my ex. He knows both of us from our previous life in Atlanta, way before we relocated to Florida. It dawned on me that the mentality of the people that I have dated in the past has certainly changed as I have gotten older. See, when I was younger and serving in the Navy I had a boyfriend whose name was Andy. We were together for a while but eventually as all things it ended. Not really by choice I don't think but because of the situations we had found ourselves in. He was still in the Navy and I ended up getting out. But, thinking back on my relationship with Andy, I realized that I could identify what was different.
It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew. I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you. But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation. I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other. I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again. However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.
The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest. I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010. I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him. We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup. However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more. It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other. But, I want you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well. Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job. I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will. Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines. Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems. I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did. But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.
Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on. But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life. The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me or visiting me in the hospital daily. I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times. He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch. I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish. I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity. It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion. I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this. Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.
Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation. Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies. An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room. A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin. I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left. I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found. Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth. He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days. I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.
Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta. For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster. Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back. I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming. Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this. Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time. You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars. Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there. The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car. I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona. However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries. Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back. Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month. It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.
In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing. As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only. As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.
So my original question was Do you really think this way? I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty. There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them. The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other. As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.
I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation. After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity. All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me. For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used. I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face. Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from. I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust. I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew. I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you. But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation. I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other. I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again. However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.
The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest. I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010. I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him. We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup. However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more. It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other. But, I want you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well. Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job. I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will. Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines. Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems. I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did. But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.
Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on. But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life. The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me or visiting me in the hospital daily. I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times. He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch. I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish. I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity. It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion. I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this. Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.
Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation. Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies. An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room. A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin. I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left. I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found. Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth. He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days. I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.
Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta. For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster. Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back. I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming. Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this. Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time. You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars. Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there. The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car. I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona. However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries. Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back. Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month. It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.
In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing. As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only. As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.
So my original question was Do you really think this way? I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty. There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them. The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other. As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.
I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation. After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity. All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me. For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used. I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face. Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from. I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust. I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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