Unexpected Turn of Events

Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer.  That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again.  This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left.  I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again.  Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.

Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore.  What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in.  Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search.  What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place.  The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.

The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles?  I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta.  So I haven't been back here is such a long time.  But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a  .  Even with  assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed.  I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld.  Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record.  This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information. 

I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon.  I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem.  So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.

Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail.  Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally.  Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate.  He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly.  Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me.  This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.

However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it.  Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer.  I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me.  My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues.  He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me.  But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.

Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before.  I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again.  This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years".  These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain.  There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point.  Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated. 

I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else.  I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open.  I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether.  I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him.  That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me.  I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.

If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time?  I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time.  Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.

However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has.  For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape.  I am not alone in this battle anymore.  My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family.  Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.

But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it.  What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of.  It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible.  Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established.  I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.

Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level.  Let me know what your thoughts are on this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Intolerance and Hatred Not welcome

Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously.  For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.

But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form.  If you have  problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it.  Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.

If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence.  Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.

Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me.  I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.

Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter.  To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years.  For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.

My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community,  and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable. 

You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance.  I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.

Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself.  You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful.  I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here!  I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.

Let me be the first to enlighten you!  It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them.  No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused,  for the sake of his drug addiction. 

Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were.  I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person.  I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening.  I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.

I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description.  I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years.  I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners.  I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his. 

I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun.  It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally.  I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.

I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations.  Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.

Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page.  I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it.  I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see.  But that is the major difference between you and me.  See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance.  I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker.  I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS.  I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.

I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time.  My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world.  I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers. 

As I have said before and I mean it.  Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life.  Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!

My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences.  I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up.  I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are.  I preach love, happiness and light.  I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing.  No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance.  If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable.  The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages.  We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace.  Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament.  The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross.  If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb.  We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.

He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see.  God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world.  We have it in our power to change the course that we are on.  Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Disappointments

Disappointments should be nothing new to me.  I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now.  Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time.  I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip.  Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options.  I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon.  Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside,  I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction.  I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend.  A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent.  This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.

I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good.  If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation.  But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to.  I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.

I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities.  I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for.  I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long.  I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place.  I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car.  In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.

I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to.  I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place.  It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again.  After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of.  I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough.  I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.

It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face.  I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison.  I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before.  I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more.  I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own.  But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with.  Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.

Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery.  Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means.  Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore.  I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her.  This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in.  The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table.  That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward.  It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again.  A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.

Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me.  I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me.  Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now.  So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.

I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues.  So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.

Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run.  The waiting game is the hardest part right now.  But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time.  The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon.  I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.

What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life.  It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues.  It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow.  We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them.  Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts.  Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.

No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go.  No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain.  Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such.  You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in.  Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday.  I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year.  I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.

Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through.  In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices.  Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles.  Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself.  You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life.  Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.

One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery.  Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again.  It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up.  There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can. 

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Trying to reconnect with my lost extended family

The lack of the ability to sleep.  Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time.  I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night.  When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone.  Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.

I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis.  So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too.  I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them.  At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.

I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death.  I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate.  I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life.  The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more.  I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them.  As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before.  I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them.  I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.

Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general.  I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions.  It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them.  It is something that just happened over time and distance.  Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again.  As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us.  My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family.  I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.

But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later.  Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012.  Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all.  I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer.  I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually.  It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point.  It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.

I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day.  For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through.  But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy.  I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen.  I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.

I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert.  All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did.  There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others.  Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in.  But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love.  I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.

There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you  and hope that you.  I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had.  I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can.   Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.

I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me.  If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago.  I love you and miss you all very much.

Uncle B

Death comes for us all

Back in April my father found out that he had late stages of lung cancer.  By the time that they found the large mass in his lungs he had already developed 2 matastasized tumors in his brain.  Within a few days of finding out that he had cancer he was in the operating room and had brain surgery.  He recovered from that rather quickly and seemed to be getting stronger.  However, when I went to visit him in June he had started treatments and was feeling sick all the time.  I must admit that my troubles in Daytona with my car, and then my wallet and checking account plus being in and out of the hospital all the time didn't help his situation.  At one point he told me that I made his life miserable, why couldn't I just leave him alone and not make his death miserable.  I was hurt because my father is my go to person whenever I am having problems and he has been there for me every single time that I needed his advice or rescuing.  My step mother talk to me one afternoon after him and I had a fight and told me that the medication and the steroids they had my father on was making him angry and crouchy and that he didn't mean to hurt me.

However, in a way I think some of what he said to me that day was true.  Over the past 6 years my dad has had to rescue me or bail me out at least 15 or 20 times.  I got stranded in Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale and struggled since my break up with Kerry.  My dad was there for all the problems that Dominic and I had and all the fighting that him and I went through. Dad had to come and get me several times when the fighting became physical.  My dad has been my rock and sounding board since I got sick in 2005 when he came to live with me and Joe and take care of me after my first couple of bowel resections.  It is hard to think of the man who has been there for me so much in the past to be down and out like his right now.  As a matter of fact his birthday is just a few days away and he is going to be 73 years old.  It makes me feel bad that the last summer of his life I made him miserable and had him worried about me and my welfare when his own health was hanging in the balance.  But the job of a parent doesn't ever end no matter what is happening.  I am just learning this now.

I hope that my dad gets better and is able to read this post because I want to tell him that I am very appreciative of all the things that he has done for me and that I am thankful for all the times he has been there for me and that I am going to be lost without him.  He is right that I never grew up and I don't know how to live on my own.  I don't know how to deal with people and that I am better off on my own.  Because I really don't have a clue as to what I am doing.  I am very intelligent but I don't have any common sense at all.  I was lucky when I met Joe Royer and I left Orlando and I went to Atlanta.  He was the stabalizing force in my life, he had the practical knowledge  on how to survive, and since him and I separated I have been drifting and struggling with people, emotions, and drugs.  I found my refuge in my high and I used it to escape the reality of my situation and my disability.

I have some growing up to do.  I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net.  He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.

Maybe I took that too much for granted, and didn't tell my dad as much as I needed to how much he meant to me.  Now that I am sitting here this morning I am really scared and wondering what I am going to do if he dies. I know that sounds silly and selfish and pretty childish, but honestly I have never truly been on my own,  all I had to do is pick up the phone and call my dad.  Last night when I was told that my dad was in the hospital again, and that he wasn't doing all that well, I got to thinking about how much he means to me and what it would be like to loose him.

Apparently, according to my step mother he has contracted a virus and hasn't been eating or drinking and has not been in his right mind in a couple of days.  He apparently doesn't always know who is around or where he is at.  He mistook my brother for my step mothers son, who is in Ohio and not close by at this time.  This makes me think back to the last few weeks of my friend Demario's life and how right before we got him to the hospital he was experiencing a similar episode and didn't remember leaving one hospital and being admitted at a different one.   My friend never recovered after that and was gone in less than 10 days.  I am hoping that this isn't the case with my father but I don't really know what to expect because this is my first time when I was extremely close with death.  When my grandparents died I wasn't anywhere near them and couldn't tell you how they acted.  But, I was there for Demario's passing and I know the struggles that he went through and I am seeing a similar pattern with my father.

I know that each of us has and allotted time upon the Earth and when it is our time it is our time to go.  That there is nothing that is going to change that fact, but there is still the hope that more time will be granted if asked for.  The mind and the body are incredible pieces of machinery that have the ability to adapt and overcome to a myriad of illnesses and disabilities.  The human brain can cause miracles to happen and heal wounds by sheer though power alone.  But I also believe in the healing power of prayer.  I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that He is the ultimate physician and can heal the body totally and instantly. 

I would ask all of you to keep my family, especially my father Bryan Zepp Sr. in your prayers.  Because I don't think that it is quite his time to go just yet.  I would ask for prayers of total and complete recovery and the lessening of pain so that he is comfortable.

Please do this for me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

No take backs

What's done is done and I cannot change the facts.  All I can do is face the results of my decisions and take responsibility for my actions.  For several years I was an advocate and public speaker, volunteer and committee member of the PCHAP in Volusia county.  I worked closely with a gentleman named Jeff Allen and he introduced me in to the world of advocacy and education.  It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this tonight because on July 28th in a tragic accident Jeff lost his life and left behind his life partner and best friend Jim Geary.  It is to my everlasting shame that I wasn't there for Jim or the other members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau through the loss of their leader and mentor Jeff.

In 2014 my life started to fall apart at the seems my lover Kerry Rutherford Jr. left me and went back to Atlanta, and from there I started on the downward spiral.  What transpired in my life was not triggered by the my loss of my friend and partner alone,  but I made it worse by my turning back to drugs and dependence on them to get me through the day.  I was in and out of the hospital from 2014 to 2017 with chronic renal failure, Hep C and Renal Carcinoma and esophagus cancer.  Financial issues and homelessness became a constant struggle for me and I soon lost the ability to volunteer and attend the duties that I had signed up for.

Jeff was there for me during these times, would come see me and talk to me whenever I picked up the phone and called him.  Jeff, understood me and accepted me for the person I was with all of my flaws and all because he suffered from similar addictions and knew the battle that I was facing.  I never saw sympathy or ridicule in his eyes only love, compassion and understanding.  He always had a kind word for me and a smile and told me that I was welcome back when I got my life turned around.  Unfortunately, my turning around of my life took too long and I have lost my friend and champion when he passed away. 

I have finally gotten through my own recovery and I am healthy again, I won my battle with cancer and hep C and I have overcome the addiction issues that were holding me back.  I wish my friend Jeff could have lived to see my victory.  He was and is an inspiration to me and his story has helped me deal with my own issues and move forward with my life.  I am so glad that I met him when I did and he helped me in so many ways.  He was the one who encouraged me to write and helped me get myself together a few times over the past 7 years or so.    It is my hope that I will be able to leave my imprint on this world in a loving manner that he did.  I may not be the advocate or champion that he was, and I may not have made as many contributions to the HIV/AIDS community as he has done.  But he encouraged me to write and to help others through my writing and I have continued to do that despite my struggles.

I can only hope that my life will be an inspiration and testimony like his was.  He was a shining beacon of light and hope that drew others together to champion a cause. He was relentless and once started something fought for victory and would accept nothing less. 

I cannot take back my actions and I have no way to change what has come to pass already, all I have the ability to do is continue forward and make positive changes in my life and help as many people as I can by following his example.  When I see a need I need to address it in the appropriate manner and strive to make a permanent change in our world.  Equality, fear and persecution are still things that we as a community are still fighting for and against today.  Jeff had a huge heart and a loud voice that was heard around the world and throughout our community.  I can only hope and pray that my voice will carry like his did. 

As I stated earlier there are no take backs but there are areas for which improvement can be made and I would like to dedicate myself in the memory of my friend Jeff Allen to always fight for the underdog, advocate for greater equality and better funding and healthcare, housing and the needs of the HIV/AIDS community.

I am going to miss my friend more then ever.  But I hope that I can do some good and effect positive change in this world.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you, Jeff,  I hope that you are Mary are looking down and can see that you both impact my life in different ways, but have been the driving force behind many of my actions.

I am going to miss you my friends and I will see you soon.

Bryan

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Saturday oh what a Day

You may be wondering where I have been for so long and why I haven’t posted anything?  Well I have been in and out of hospitals and recovering from all sorts of medical issues, then there was the fact that I lost everything that I owned that was up in Jacksonville.  I may never find out what really happened to my stuff, I just know that what I was told seems highly unlikely to have occurred and I am saddened that I lost a friend over stuff like that.  However, may the stuff that he has of mine serve him well as he embarks on the new journey of his life. 

I just know that I was stuck and had no help out of my situation and was constantly in and out of the hospital.  He didn’t bother to come and see me or try to find out what was happening with me, he just turned his back and blamed everything that happened on me and walked away.  He made me very uncomfortable the last time I saw him anyway, and his behavior really left questions in my mind as to his real thoughts and intentions.  With that being said it is time for me to move on and explain why I haven’t written in my blog in so long. 

The truth is that I have been writing and it is all down on paper in a 3 ring binder here on my desk.  But since I didn’t have a computer I had no way to get the information into the blog like I normally would have.  But I have stuff dating back to my final day in the hospital back at the end of July.  I have been in Orlando exactly a month and I have to say that I am in a much more stable environment than what I had been in.  Already everything that I lost except for the car has been recovered.  I have gotten a new bed, a new computer, a new laptop, my iphone service turned back on, an ipad as well as an android tablet.

There are some things that are different though, I am away from Daytona and the influences of the people there, which in my case is a good thing.  I couldn’t understand why I kept ending up in the hospital and why my kidney’s and blood pressure kept failing.  Come to find out that the major artery to my heart was almost 85% clogged and I had to have a heart catheter and angioplasty to fix the blockage.  So on July 15th I had heart surgery.  It was scary, but several good things came out of having that surgery, immediately following it my blood pressure stabilized and I stopped having the dizzy spells and seizures that I had been having prior to the surgery, and my kidney function improved almost back to normal levels.  Indicating to the doctors that I may not be as close to dialysis as they had thought. 

But since I couldn’t get online and give you regular updates I decided to sit down and do it today.  Just last night I was writing in my journal and was talking about what I was thinking about my future and weighing my past.  Something that I have been doing all week actually and most of the posts that I am about to type up are regarding that same issue.  But today was a beautiful day full of sunshine and no rain as of yet.  Which is something of a change in weather for what it has been like around here since the first day I arrived.

No matter what I am headed on the right path at this point, God has given me back all that I have lost and then some.  I am even doing well enough that I feel I am at a new point in my life and can honestly say that I have a future.  I have wrapped up many of the loose ends that I had left in Jacksonville, paid off the bed that I no longer have and the frame, I also got my checking accounts straightened out and I have gotten myself back into care with the VA and got my medicare straightened out.  All and all I am very happy with my progress since I have been here.  But, seeing as I had no other options, and the person who I was staying with and considered my friend turned me out like that, claimed that he had changed the locks and told me that I wasn’t welcome back there, then just a week or so later text me saying that everything I owned was lost that supposedly the landlord had evicted us and my stuff was on the side of the road and gone.

I know that this is not the real truth, it may have some factual basis, but being a retired attorney I know that there is an eviction process and that with me being in the hospital in intensive care my roommate could have used that and gotten an extension, he could have fought the eviction and won especially since he just suffered the loss of his partner and then I had the heart attack and was in the hospital.  But No everything that me and my ex had left up there is either gone or he is using at his own. Either way it is on him.  I know that my situation was extreme and I had people lying too me, stealing from me, and literally trashed my bank accounts, credit cards and the whole nine-yards.  But, that is all in the past and I am in a better place with all new things and life is once again sunny.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Saturday,  I woke up a little tire and a bit sore, but that quickly passed and once I got out and was able to enjoy the sun I felt so much better.  So much so that I am sitting here now typing to you telling you all about it.  I am still having some minor chest pains, but I see the cardiologist next week again and hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on with my heart and why I am still hurting after all this time.  I sure hope that it isn’t another heat attack coming because the first one was very scary and totally unexpected.

Anyhow, I hope that you have a glorious Saturday like I did.  I am going to start typing my past entries into the journal.  Though they are not actually going to be posted on the date they were written. I will make sure that I put somewhere the date that I wrote them, and hopefully by Wednesday I will be caught up enough and will be able to keep writing almost daily and let you know what is happening and going on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Smile

I am sitting here listening to my favorite songs and the music that is flowing all around me reminds me of a bright beautiful smile.

A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold

People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you

So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down

Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.

It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.

As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to be

I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.

What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.

It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence.  What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to.  To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.

So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant.  I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Amazing

It is surprising how God works in our daily lives. I was feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair because I have been up here in Jacksonville all by myself.  Since I got here back in December, it has been an endless parade of doctor appointments and tests. This in itself made feel very alone and it hasn't left anytime for me to make any new friendships since I have been up here. But, all of that changed about 2 weeks ago. In just one day I got a direct message from God in a very unique experience in how these 3 people came into my life in the matter of just two days at the beginning of February.

But before these 3 individuals were to come in to my life, I made one new friend on January 18th. She also came into my life in a strange way but was just the person I needed that day and I am very glad that she was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend when my partner didn't get on the bus and never came up from Daytona Beach. She was also the person who took care of me that first afternoon of chemotherapy and helped me as I choked on food and threw up all the way home from Gainesville. She wasn't even supposed to be my driver that day, as a matter of fact she just was in the right place at the right time to take me to my appointment.  Because the original transportation driver decided not to take my trip and tried to cancel my trip. Luckily Tara was in Jacksonville and was available to take me to my appointment, even though we were late getting there. I believe God put me and Tara together that day, not only because I was going to need her, but she needed me as well. I got to share my story with her and I found out that she was going through a difficult time in her life as well. We have kept in touch since our meeting that day and I am very glad that we hit it off so well.

On February 1st I went to have some MRIs done. But much to my disappointment I was unable to get them done that morning, because my kidney levels were not good enough for me to be able to tolerate the contrast that the doctor had ordered. Though, had it not been for my tests being cancelled that I was ready to leave the imaging center early. Which put me in the direct path of a really cool lady whose name is Elaine. She was outside looking for a lighter and we ended up going on a little adventure together while we were both waiting for our transportation to come and pick us up.  Because I had been waiting for my ride to come and get me and they were very late, Humana sent another driver to get me.  As I was being driven home I talked to the driver telling him that the radiologist at the imaging center had told me that I needed to go the hospital that my kidney function indicated that I was experiencing renal failure. I honestly don't remember his name, but the more we talked together it became apparent that there was a reason why I  was in his car that afternoon. His sister-in-law had just been discharged from the hospital under hospice care. Apparently, she had given up all hope and had surrendered to the diagnosis that the doctors had given her that she was going to die.  He told me that he really needed to hear my story and history. That it was exactly what he needed to share with her to give her hope and might actually get her to change her mind and decide to fight for her life. I told him to tell her that God is the ultimate physician and only He could decide when it was her time to leave this world behind.

That very afternoon I had already spoken to Dom, and was telling Travis what the radiologist had said about me going to the hospital. Travis's partner was already in the hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia and a collapsed lung.  His recommendation was to call an ambulance and get to the hospital.  Trying to procrastinate and take my time I called my mother and was talking to her on the phone telling her that I needed to go to the hospital. She encouraged me to go and stop waisting time. However, I knew that I was probably going to get admitted so I packed clothes and colostomy supplies. This kept me busy and prevented me from laying down which apparently was a good thing because the ER doctor told me that had I taken a nap that afternoon I would have died in my sleep because my blood pressure was so low my heart would have just stopped while I was sleeping.

The final person whom I was bound to meet is Richard who was my food service attendant that would take care of all of my food orders while I was in the hospital. He was also one of the only people who I had the ability to talk to multiple times a day and kept my mind off of what was going with me. It also gave me some distance between me and my feelings of being abandoned and having to deal with this crisis on my own.  I will admit that I still was upset and angry that Dom isn't keeping in touch with me like I feel he should.  He still isn't talking to me every day like I think he should since that was his promise to me if I bonded him out of jail. However, I should have known that he never means what he tells me when he is in jail, it never works out.  He begged me to keep him out of trouble, but he left and never came back after he had me buy his return trip ticket. Then to top it all off he never went to court and I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know if the bondsman is going to come after me for the money. I am not even sure if they can, I think that I might have a fight on my hands when it comes down to it.

Can you see how amazing God is? How that He brought just the right people into my life at the right moment?  How great these interactions have been on me and my well being?

I believe that if you look carefully at your life you will find that God is working in your life and performing miracles on your behalf daily.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

The funny thing about animals is:

My roommate's found a cat that they brought inside way before I ever moved in with them. She was aloof, Moody and sometimes standoffish. Which surprised me since most animals warm up to me right away, which she didn't. Oh she would let me scratch her ears and occasionally she would allow me to share a chair with her. She would be laying on the back and I would sit with her for a little bit.  She has ventured into my room several times but really never stayed long.

About three weeks ago she actually came in and slept in my room for several hours.  It was a night when I was feeling a little down and lonely. She was locked out of my roommate's room where she usually sleeps and they were not letting her in.  That I guess was the start of our precarious relationship.

The truth be told she is really partial to Demario my good friend's partner. Travis, my friend she seems to tolerate and you could say that she likes him too. Me she treated as an outsider. Never having very much to do with me. Previously when Travis and Demario were away from home she would sit patiently by the front door and wait for them to come back or she would stay in their room.  She never bothered with me.

Four days ago Demario got sick and had to go to the hospital. He was admitted and Travis stayed with him. I had several doctor appointments that day and when I came home I could hear her crying in their room. Which is when I discovered that their door was locked and she was trapped inside. Hearing her cries I called Travis to see if there was a way for me to get his door open and let her out.  He told me about Demario and his condition and that he was going to stay with him for the night and she would be alright.

Travis ended up staying with Demario at the hospital Saturday night, all day Sunday . Monday morning I had to go to see the neurosurgeon and didn't get home til the afternoon. I had expected Travis to be home when I got back from the doctors. He didn't get home for several hours after I got home. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she could hear the cat crying. She asked me how long the cat had been locked in the room without food, water or access to her litter box. When I told her that Travis and Demario went to the hospital Saturday morning she begged me to figure out a way to get the cat out of the room.

Hanging up from my mom I picked the lock opened their room gave her food and water. That was a turning point in our relationship apparently. Because even though Travis was home and stayed the night last night. Maxine (the cat) followed me out to the kitchen when I went to talk to Travis and she rubbed all over my legs and was purring extremely loud.  Then this afternoon when Travis went back to the hospital to visit Demario, Maxine apparently feeling lonely came into my room while I was napping and curled up right on my chest.

When I woke up she stayed with me sat on my phone and notebook while I was trying to make some appointments for next week. She was insistent on getting my attention and having me scratch her.  I guess I made an impression on her and gained her trust. I think that she had finally accepted me into her family and her world. The funny thing about animals is that once they accept you and you gain their trust they accept you and let you in their lives.

Maxine demonstrated early on that she was sensitive to my mood and reacted to my loneliness. That night several weeks ago when she came into my room and slept with me, I believe she felt my despair, depression and loneliness and came to give me warmth and companionship when I felt most alone.  Demario whom she is extremely partial too has not been home and she has been trapped in the room for a couple of days must be missing human interaction.  Tonight she is laying here with me purring, I am home alone and was feeling down when she decided to come and lay with me.

It is my belief that she is lonely and missing her owners and felt my mood and emotions which brought her to come spend time with me. Animals provide unconditional love and companionship when we need it most. But they also need to have that love and companionship returned. Cats love but remain individual and very selective with their affections. Dog on the other become attached and bond deeply with their owners. They are pack animals and follow a single leader the alpha, which in this case is their human owner.

Dogs freely give their love and affection to their owner. Being bonded to their owners and living in the pack makes them very dependent on their human to take care of them. In essence they lose their individuality to the pack they have developed with their owners. They love are faithful and are great companions.

Whether you are a dog or cat person doesn't matter. You have to agree that pets are awesome friends and companions. I think that they also can help stabilize our moods, relieve anxiety and depression. They are empathic to our emotions and moods and are truly there for you when no one else is.  In my experience they also have the ability to help heal us.

After I battled large cell lymphoma and moved to Atlanta my partner Joe and I got two Chow Chows. One was named Pooh Bear because he looked and acted a lit like Winnie the Pooh. The other was a female Blue Chow and her name was Midnight. Pooh was bonded to me because when he was a puppy he was attacked by another dog and I got in the middle of the fight broke it up and took care of him. Also Joe traveled a great deal when I first moved to Atlanta and Poor was all I had for almost 8 months. He was my companion and best friend. I also had a cat named Sneakers at this time who I raised from 4 weeks of age feeding her with a bottle and keeping her safe.  Her mother was killed and I did everything I could to keep her alive.bdo she was already bonded with me.

Sneakers, Pooh and Midnight became my pack. They we're as dependent on me as I was on them.  It is my belief that I enjoyed almost ten years of being cancer free because of them.  Pooh died  seven years after I got him with stomach cancer. Three years after Pooh died I lost Sneakers, she hemorrhaged and died in my arms. She literally crawled to me dragging her hind legs and intestines to get to me. She was 14 years old. Midnight lived a little while longer but suffered a stroke, became blind and became very ill. While the three of them were alive my cancer remained in remission. I believe that all three of my animals were bonded with me and took on my cancer to spare me. I loved them dearly and was with each one of them when they passed. They were my children and my family, I had them cremated and had engraved urns with miniature statues of them attached to their urns.

Unfortunately last summer when I went to jail for 60 days and my landlord decided that I abandoned the house I was living in literally threw all of my possessions away. My social security check was also stopped and I was unable to pay for my rental unit any longer. I lost everything including their urns. But, my point here is that as long as they were alive my cancer remained in remission. It wasn't long after Pooh and Sneakers died my cancer came back and I lost my large intestines. Prior to my first surgery my dad and I found a yellow lab puppy. Her name was little bit, she was a very special dog. So smart and had the loving personality that Pooh had.

If I believed in reincarnation I would swear that little bit was Pooh come back to take care of me. My first surgery was extremely painful. But little bit was with me through it and the 29 other surgeries that I had. She became a service dog and loved me so much and I miss her dearly. Since then I have had other pets. A cat named Tigger who decided that he liked living outside but always came back home. He slept with me every night and was definitely my cat. I had Skylar and Madison both black labs but I lost them all and maybe that is why I am once again battling cancer. Because I don't have a stable environment to live in and I no longer have a pet.

It is my belief that animals as pets love and protect us with their very lived. They feel our emotions, moods and balance our energy and our lives. It is my belief that they have the ability to heal us mentally, emotionally and physically.

However, the funny things about animals is that they are very selective in accepting a human owner. But once they do they are there for you always. They are you comfort and companion when you need them the most.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, live well love deeply. It's your life your time enjoy it. It's all about you now. Stay focused and do you. Say no when you need to and stick to it.

Uncle B