For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway. But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel. This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me. Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had. It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States. Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends. That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.
6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with. She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house. It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again. But as I was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them. There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom. We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures. A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again. That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.
But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me. I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from. I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays? I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.
This year I have something forward to look forward to. This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays. It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again. As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them. 2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season. This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.
Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together. We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends. I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again. My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart. He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together. We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken. Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.
I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids. That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together. It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now. But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together. No one knows! I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am. I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.
But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires. Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special. It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving. It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on. LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit. What word would you give it???
Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity. It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return. It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.
I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you? What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer? What are you expecting this holiday season? Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss? What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, December 17, 2018
Saturday, December 15, 2018
50 years and still going strong
Despite my many health issues and set backs on this very rough journey I call my life, I am surprised and amazed at reaching my 50 year mark. I have come through some really difficult spots in the road, but I made it through relatively unscathed. My personality and body have battle scars and show definite signs of wear and tear but all in all I am still going strong after all this time. In this blog we have covered many of the battles I have faced and overcome, and many people get the wrong idea that I am a super strong person. They think that I have gotten life and all it's mysteries figured out and they would be so wrong. I am an everyday person who wakes up and faces demons both inside and out of my body. I have a mental addiction to narcotics, and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety to mention just a few of them.
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, December 14, 2018
Family Ties
This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties. My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it. But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother. I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me. My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings.
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Intolerance and Hatred Not welcome
Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously. For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.
But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form. If you have problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it. Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.
If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence. Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.
Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me. I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.
Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter. To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years. For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.
My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community, and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable.
You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance. I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.
Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself. You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful. I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here! I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.
Let me be the first to enlighten you! It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them. No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused, for the sake of his drug addiction.
Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were. I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person. I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening. I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.
I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description. I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years. I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners. I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his.
I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun. It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally. I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.
I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations. Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.
Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page. I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it. I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see. But that is the major difference between you and me. See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance. I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker. I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS. I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.
I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time. My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world. I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers.
As I have said before and I mean it. Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life. Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!
My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences. I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up. I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are. I preach love, happiness and light. I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing. No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance. If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable. The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages. We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace. Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament. The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross. If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb. We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.
He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see. God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world. We have it in our power to change the course that we are on. Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form. If you have problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it. Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.
If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence. Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.
Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me. I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.
Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter. To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years. For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.
My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community, and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable.
You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance. I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.
Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself. You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful. I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here! I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.
Let me be the first to enlighten you! It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them. No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused, for the sake of his drug addiction.
Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were. I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person. I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening. I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.
I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description. I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years. I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners. I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his.
I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun. It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally. I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.
I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations. Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.
Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page. I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it. I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see. But that is the major difference between you and me. See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance. I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker. I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS. I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.
I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time. My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world. I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers.
As I have said before and I mean it. Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life. Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!
My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences. I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up. I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are. I preach love, happiness and light. I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing. No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance. If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable. The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages. We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace. Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament. The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross. If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb. We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.
He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see. God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world. We have it in our power to change the course that we are on. Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Nothing prepares us for the future
My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday. A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach. Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time. That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines. I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future. It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time. Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it. I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Finally Alone but not at Peace.
I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog. One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see. That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing. But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned. In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet. Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it. Guess what he was absolutely right.
Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way. It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage. Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through. I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing. My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out. I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something. I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items. Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives. Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle. Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it. Not right or fair.
Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here. I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along. But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world. I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way. Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior. In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through.
2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn. This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of. I ended up losing everything that I had left. The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch. The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health. My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida. Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all. Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way. But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place. I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.
But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs. For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow. I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want. I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me. How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.
I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool. I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow. Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me. I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy. Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me. I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health. In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore. I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance. But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all. My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.
For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life. But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone. For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him. I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give. I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.
So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that. I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me. Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all. The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened. We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away. Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people. But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.
But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts. I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself. I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either. I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets. Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets. I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life. There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity. I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.
I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.
I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there. I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through, if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it. I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive. I hope you will too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way. It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage. Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through. I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing. My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out. I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something. I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items. Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives. Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle. Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it. Not right or fair.
Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here. I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along. But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world. I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way. Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior. In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through.
2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn. This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of. I ended up losing everything that I had left. The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch. The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health. My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida. Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all. Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way. But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place. I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.
But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs. For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow. I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want. I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me. How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.
I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool. I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow. Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me. I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy. Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me. I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health. In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore. I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance. But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all. My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.
For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life. But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone. For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him. I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give. I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.
So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that. I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me. Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all. The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened. We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away. Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people. But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.
But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts. I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself. I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either. I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets. Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets. I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life. There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity. I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.
I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.
I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there. I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through, if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it. I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive. I hope you will too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Life is Finite
08/29/18
Getting older, aging is a part of life itself. You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next. This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.
Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions. No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end. Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment. Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.
It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there. Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life. I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future. I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life. That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned. I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for. I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge.
Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice. Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom. I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion. This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature. It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand. In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.
As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992. Not every single day but more often than not. I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV. I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues. No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be. No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day. Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form.
I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul. Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship. Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago. Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other. FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements. Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years. Times have sure changed!
In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old. Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time. I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age. I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then. I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed. I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us. Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.
Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time. Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today. But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief. Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you. Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the. Let them know that you care and they are important to you. There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me. If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.
I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either. Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next. I know this from very personal experience. I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill. This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.
Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you. If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late. Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.
So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you. I want to say thank you for being my friend. Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot. Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day. I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you. I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you. My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way. We need each other!
LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Getting older, aging is a part of life itself. You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next. This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.
Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions. No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end. Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment. Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.
It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there. Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life. I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future. I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life. That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned. I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for. I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge.
Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice. Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom. I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion. This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature. It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand. In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.
As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992. Not every single day but more often than not. I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV. I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues. No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be. No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day. Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form.
I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul. Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship. Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago. Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other. FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements. Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years. Times have sure changed!
In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old. Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time. I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age. I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then. I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed. I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us. Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.
Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time. Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today. But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief. Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you. Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the. Let them know that you care and they are important to you. There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me. If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.
I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either. Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next. I know this from very personal experience. I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill. This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.
Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you. If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late. Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.
So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you. I want to say thank you for being my friend. Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot. Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day. I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you. I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you. My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way. We need each other!
LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, March 26, 2018
Smile
I am sitting here listening to my favorite songs and the music that is flowing all around me reminds me of a bright beautiful smile.
A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold
People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you
So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down
Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.
It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.
As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,
Uncle B
A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold
People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you
So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down
Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.
It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.
As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Everything you said but didn't really mean
You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them. You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come. Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue. You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared. If you did you would be here. You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others. You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words. This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
The funny thing about animals is:
My roommate's found a cat that they brought inside way before I ever moved in with them. She was aloof, Moody and sometimes standoffish. Which surprised me since most animals warm up to me right away, which she didn't. Oh she would let me scratch her ears and occasionally she would allow me to share a chair with her. She would be laying on the back and I would sit with her for a little bit. She has ventured into my room several times but really never stayed long.
About three weeks ago she actually came in and slept in my room for several hours. It was a night when I was feeling a little down and lonely. She was locked out of my roommate's room where she usually sleeps and they were not letting her in. That I guess was the start of our precarious relationship.
The truth be told she is really partial to Demario my good friend's partner. Travis, my friend she seems to tolerate and you could say that she likes him too. Me she treated as an outsider. Never having very much to do with me. Previously when Travis and Demario were away from home she would sit patiently by the front door and wait for them to come back or she would stay in their room. She never bothered with me.
Four days ago Demario got sick and had to go to the hospital. He was admitted and Travis stayed with him. I had several doctor appointments that day and when I came home I could hear her crying in their room. Which is when I discovered that their door was locked and she was trapped inside. Hearing her cries I called Travis to see if there was a way for me to get his door open and let her out. He told me about Demario and his condition and that he was going to stay with him for the night and she would be alright.
Travis ended up staying with Demario at the hospital Saturday night, all day Sunday . Monday morning I had to go to see the neurosurgeon and didn't get home til the afternoon. I had expected Travis to be home when I got back from the doctors. He didn't get home for several hours after I got home. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she could hear the cat crying. She asked me how long the cat had been locked in the room without food, water or access to her litter box. When I told her that Travis and Demario went to the hospital Saturday morning she begged me to figure out a way to get the cat out of the room.
Hanging up from my mom I picked the lock opened their room gave her food and water. That was a turning point in our relationship apparently. Because even though Travis was home and stayed the night last night. Maxine (the cat) followed me out to the kitchen when I went to talk to Travis and she rubbed all over my legs and was purring extremely loud. Then this afternoon when Travis went back to the hospital to visit Demario, Maxine apparently feeling lonely came into my room while I was napping and curled up right on my chest.
When I woke up she stayed with me sat on my phone and notebook while I was trying to make some appointments for next week. She was insistent on getting my attention and having me scratch her. I guess I made an impression on her and gained her trust. I think that she had finally accepted me into her family and her world. The funny thing about animals is that once they accept you and you gain their trust they accept you and let you in their lives.
Maxine demonstrated early on that she was sensitive to my mood and reacted to my loneliness. That night several weeks ago when she came into my room and slept with me, I believe she felt my despair, depression and loneliness and came to give me warmth and companionship when I felt most alone. Demario whom she is extremely partial too has not been home and she has been trapped in the room for a couple of days must be missing human interaction. Tonight she is laying here with me purring, I am home alone and was feeling down when she decided to come and lay with me.
It is my belief that she is lonely and missing her owners and felt my mood and emotions which brought her to come spend time with me. Animals provide unconditional love and companionship when we need it most. But they also need to have that love and companionship returned. Cats love but remain individual and very selective with their affections. Dog on the other become attached and bond deeply with their owners. They are pack animals and follow a single leader the alpha, which in this case is their human owner.
Dogs freely give their love and affection to their owner. Being bonded to their owners and living in the pack makes them very dependent on their human to take care of them. In essence they lose their individuality to the pack they have developed with their owners. They love are faithful and are great companions.
Whether you are a dog or cat person doesn't matter. You have to agree that pets are awesome friends and companions. I think that they also can help stabilize our moods, relieve anxiety and depression. They are empathic to our emotions and moods and are truly there for you when no one else is. In my experience they also have the ability to help heal us.
After I battled large cell lymphoma and moved to Atlanta my partner Joe and I got two Chow Chows. One was named Pooh Bear because he looked and acted a lit like Winnie the Pooh. The other was a female Blue Chow and her name was Midnight. Pooh was bonded to me because when he was a puppy he was attacked by another dog and I got in the middle of the fight broke it up and took care of him. Also Joe traveled a great deal when I first moved to Atlanta and Poor was all I had for almost 8 months. He was my companion and best friend. I also had a cat named Sneakers at this time who I raised from 4 weeks of age feeding her with a bottle and keeping her safe. Her mother was killed and I did everything I could to keep her alive.bdo she was already bonded with me.
Sneakers, Pooh and Midnight became my pack. They we're as dependent on me as I was on them. It is my belief that I enjoyed almost ten years of being cancer free because of them. Pooh died seven years after I got him with stomach cancer. Three years after Pooh died I lost Sneakers, she hemorrhaged and died in my arms. She literally crawled to me dragging her hind legs and intestines to get to me. She was 14 years old. Midnight lived a little while longer but suffered a stroke, became blind and became very ill. While the three of them were alive my cancer remained in remission. I believe that all three of my animals were bonded with me and took on my cancer to spare me. I loved them dearly and was with each one of them when they passed. They were my children and my family, I had them cremated and had engraved urns with miniature statues of them attached to their urns.
Unfortunately last summer when I went to jail for 60 days and my landlord decided that I abandoned the house I was living in literally threw all of my possessions away. My social security check was also stopped and I was unable to pay for my rental unit any longer. I lost everything including their urns. But, my point here is that as long as they were alive my cancer remained in remission. It wasn't long after Pooh and Sneakers died my cancer came back and I lost my large intestines. Prior to my first surgery my dad and I found a yellow lab puppy. Her name was little bit, she was a very special dog. So smart and had the loving personality that Pooh had.
If I believed in reincarnation I would swear that little bit was Pooh come back to take care of me. My first surgery was extremely painful. But little bit was with me through it and the 29 other surgeries that I had. She became a service dog and loved me so much and I miss her dearly. Since then I have had other pets. A cat named Tigger who decided that he liked living outside but always came back home. He slept with me every night and was definitely my cat. I had Skylar and Madison both black labs but I lost them all and maybe that is why I am once again battling cancer. Because I don't have a stable environment to live in and I no longer have a pet.
It is my belief that animals as pets love and protect us with their very lived. They feel our emotions, moods and balance our energy and our lives. It is my belief that they have the ability to heal us mentally, emotionally and physically.
However, the funny things about animals is that they are very selective in accepting a human owner. But once they do they are there for you always. They are you comfort and companion when you need them the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, live well love deeply. It's your life your time enjoy it. It's all about you now. Stay focused and do you. Say no when you need to and stick to it.
Uncle B
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Letting go
You may think that taking steps to help myself might look like I may be running away from my problems. But the truth of the matter is that I needed to look out for my health and well-being, because no one else is going too. Being tossed around on the streets is not a place for someone like me who has so many things wrong with me physically. I just had a kidney removed back in March and lately i have been showing signs of esophagus cancer. This is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It also needs a stable environment in which to heal and get better. So when things really started going south in my life i chose to take my friend up on his offer to leave behind the world of drugs and uncertain stability. I chose to pick up what remained of my life and head north to a new life i had hoped that others would be happy for me. But to my surprise the people i love the most chose to let me go and stay behind.
No matter what i choose now i guess i am totally on my own. I had hoped that being away for several days would let the others know that i did the best thing for myself and that asking them to come with me is my attempt to make a new beginning for both of us. No matter what anyone else thinks i have not abandoned those i love and who trust me. I have never given up on them and never will. Life is too short for running away. I have chosen a new path and and with any luck a new destiny for myself and those that love me.
It has taken an act of letting go and walking away from my old life in order to create a new life, a new path. In order for me to move forward i needed to shed the old self and begin a whole new life. Moving from Daytona was the first step in the process. The next few days i am going to try and get myself in order. Meet with the VA and medicare to get myself into treatment and make sure that my health is once again taken care of. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Hopefully over the next few weeks my partner will realize that we need each other and will choose to come with me. This will help me greatly to achieve stability and peace of mind. I can only hope that those of you who read and follow my blog will support my decision and help me convince him that i need him in my life and without him I will never really be safe and healthy. He is not something that i would willingly or happily let go of. He is my whole world and the one who i depend on most. I have been gone 3 days and it feels so much longer. I don't think he really knows how much I depend on him or how much I care about him.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Monday, April 3, 2017
Medical update time
Well folks the official news has come in and I am finally cancer free at this time. Now, this doesn't mean that cancer can't or won't come back. What it does mean is that at the present time all markers and indicators seem to point to the fact that the cancer is gone. I had surgery on March 28, 2017, today is the one month mark of my recovery period. The procedure lasted 5 1/2 hours and I spent 5 full days in the hospital.
Life is funny and full of little turns and twists that keeps us guessing from moment to moment. Nothing is ever
A 11 smooth or goes exactly the way we planned. If it wasn't this way our lives would be so monotonous and boring we wouldn't know what to do.
Well they were able to remove a golf ball sized tumor from my right kidney. From all indications it appears that for the first time in 26 years I am cancer free. Now this doesn't mean that cancer will never come back, because it more than likely will. It just means that at this time my doctor's are pretty sure that it is gone for awhile.
I ended up back in the hospital last week on Wednesday because I had walking pneumonia, but I am home now and doing well. Other than that I can't complain about my health. As always you continued well wishes and prayers are appreciated. Thank you so very much for being my support network and venting board. I want you to know it means the world to me that you are out there reading my blog.
As always live well love much and laugh often.
Uncle B
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
There are times when you need to shake your head and walk away
I have been watching two different couples over the past few days tear each other apart with words. Something has to give in these relationships if they are going to survive. "I am sorry" may not be enough to overcome the pain that we inflict upon one another. I am learning that in my own relationship that there has to be a certain amount of give, we cannot expect our partners to do everything the way that we would. See at the end of the day the results are what matter, not the method.
Each of us is taught a certain way to do things and it may differ from how they were taught. We each have our own unique strengths and skills. These attributes are what compliment our partner and complete us making us whole. But no one is perfect and often we lash out with words that are aimed at inflicting maximum pain to those that are close to us. We must remember that words can be lethal and can cause serious wounds that even time can't heal. Be careful with what you say, and more importantly be mindful of how they are spoken. Too often we can get caught up in the heat of the moment and lash out without really thinking. It's those times when we need to try and slow things down and engage our brains before we speak.
I have found myself in these predicaments before and before I realize what is actually happening I get pulled into an argument time and again. So before I open my mouth to speak. I honestly try to think about how my partner may react to what I have to say. I try to couch the words in such away as to avoid unnecessary fallout from what I have to say. However, when this doesn't work I have to divorce myself from the situation and just shake my head and walk away. I know that this might be the best option for me because no matter what at the end of everything an argument might erupt and trouble might be lurking right before me.
Only I have the power stop and argument from happening and only I have the power to walk away and not cause the issue to progress any further. The same is true for each one of you. Remember that it takes 2 to fight and carry on. One person cannot possibly win an argument with themselves. Try to keep in mind that it might not be what is said, but how it is said that can trigger the undesirable argument that you are trying to avoid. No one is perfect and you can't expect someone else to do what you would do. Because you can only control you and your own actions.
Words used in anger or as weapons can be devastating and extremely hurtful. You must take into consideration this when you are fighting. Because if you don't you one day might find yourself very alone with no one to stand by your side. Words should be used to encourage, uplift and reinforce the positive aspects of your life. Shy away from negativity and focus only on the positive for this will build a solid foundation for your relationship to stand on. Keep in mind that another person whose feelings are a reflection of your own should always be given the benefit of the doubt. Because they are the only ones that are going to have your back.
As always Live well, love much, laugh often.
Uncle B
Thursday, January 12, 2017
From the frying pan to the fire
There are some days that it just isn't worth getting out of bed. Today was one of those such days for me. How much trouble can one Sunday bring. Well if you are wondering it can bring a whole handful of them. Trust me when I say that it was no picnic here in the glorious gleaming metropolis of Daytona, just a continuation of a terrible week, that was full of stress and aggravation. It has been already two whole weeks here in this house and still I am waiting on the owner's to finish up the extremely long list of unfinished items. Thank God the bedroom and bathroom doors were finally put in.
As the severe winds and storms lashed out at my new home I understand the reasoning why the rest of the windows have to be totally replaced. The makeshift curtain that I made out of a bedsheet flew across my room as the wind came rushing in around the old rotted frame. Hail fell from the sky and the rotten wood along the edges of the roof finally ripped off and fell to the ground. All of this should have been done prior to anyone occupying the house, but alas it hasn't been.
The weekend has passed and I never saw any of the owner's show up to paint the house, which by the way I was called Tuesday morning of last week to remind me that they would be here bright and early Saturday morning to begin painting. I was also told that later Tuesday afternoon that someone needed to be at the house because the electrician would be here to looking to why the second bedroom has no power. Here it is early Monday morning a week later and little has been done to our house. It is awfully funny how the landlord had told us prior to moving in that everything had been finished and that the house had been sitting empty for 3 months till he could find just the right tenants to move in. Well if this place is finished then I am probably the exact tenant that he needs here.
But enough of that aside for now, why was today the perfect day for me to stay in bed? Well for one my best friend's ex boyfriend who stole my pain pills, got himself arrested and then showed up at my house the very next day apologizing for his behavior and assuring me that he had over $300.00 for me. All he has to do was go down to police property and get his things. This took over 5 hours to complete and when he got back instead of the $300 he only had $120. My friend needed to borrow most of that to get caught up on his bills but low and behold the guy took off again with not only my $120 he also got my friend for $50 more dollars. I waited all day and dude never came back or reached out to me at all. So not only am I out my pain pills, I am also broke and I feel bad that my friend lost his money and I have been unable to help him out.
On top of all of this it was 4 years ago that I was notified that my sister had died and left this tired old world behind. Now truly her two sons are orphans and I am the only person left to take care of them. Not that I haven't been doing this already for over 15 years. In all honesty it was knowing that she was still here even though she was paralyzed and on respirators that gave me the strength to try and be a good parent and role model. I know that in many ways I was not prepared for the responsibility, nor had I experienced enough if my own life to be much more than a good friend to these young boys. Much too my shame it is also when I learned about drugs and the hard truths about addiction. As I lay under my blankets and think of all these things something comes to me just before midnight. I must have done a fairly good job with both of the boys, neither of them have really ever been in trouble, both of them are working, both of them are married and I am a grandfather/granduncle 4 times over. I ended up legally adopting them when it became clear that there was no hope of recovery for my sister.
So even though today was a very hard and lonely day for me. I at least realized that everything happens for a reason and though I did so many things wrong, I must have done some very right. I may be stressed out about this house, my health and my troubled relationship, my lack of money and my deep feelings of dispair, depression and loneliness. I have still got my family and everything that I have accomplished and been through to sustain me during these especially hard times. I just have to keep in mind that this too shall pass as all things before them. Much love my family. I love you dearly you keep me going even when I feel that all has been lost.
As always Live well, love much and laugh often.
Uncle B
Thursday, April 14, 2016
For you
Another day another time, when one season ends another begins, for with every ending comes a new begining. If you do not reach out and do something for yourself you can't expect someone else to do it for you. Have peace and confidence in all that you do. Change is in the air, and before you know it you will be in another space.
Each season has it's own color and theme, life is colored by the grace and warmth that each new dawn brings. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You cannot expect something to come from nothing, because nothing ever will. Listen to the sound on the wind and the song of the birds in the air. Let their joyous melody free you from the mundane.
Grow from love, because compassion and understanding given will benefit you more when it is returned. Love hard and love long, because it will keep you strong. Everything that you put out will be returned to you ten fold. Trust and believe that everything that you ever need with be granted unto you. The needs must come before the wants, if not nothing can thrive.
Balance all you do with tolerance and understanding because these are what makes you a stronger man. Acceptance and peace are gifts that can be graciously recieved and given. Be open and receptive so that you can grow taller and stronger.
Abide in truth and honesty so that others know you to be a stalwart guardian of peace and love. Integrity above pity, Trust before greed and faith in others should be you work of the day.
For in the end you can only grow if you learn to be trusting compassionate, truthful and strong.
The future is full of change and hope for you. I see it all the year long.
May God grant you fortune and prosperity, seek and find your happiness, time can be an enemy or a guide use it to your own advantage. Beware of those that seek to drag you from your path. Stay true to your desires and keep your goal firmly in your mind.
Love yourself so you can show that love to others. Do not fear what tomorrow brings because God is with you in all things.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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