This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties. My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it. But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother. I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me. My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings.
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Friday, December 14, 2018
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
A little story can lift your heart and soul
Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight. I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind. The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck. I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was. He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life. As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling. It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did.
In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter. You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day. She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart. Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard. Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help. In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness. The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily. This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.
She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally. Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on. Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would. This turns out to be a joke and he passes out. When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral. She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better.
This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen. Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why. Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles. I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow. Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something. You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you. You may not even know them. Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles. You might be helping people without even being aware of it. Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life.
Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story. You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them. You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts. Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them. I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true. Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats. I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog. I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me. I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.
My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me. Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself. But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them. This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.
For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction. Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help. I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was. I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions. The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs. In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others. Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.
Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier. If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it. Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using. Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start. No ifs, ands, or excuses about it. I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing. Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective. I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.
I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it. Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore. I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety. I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier. But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter. You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day. She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart. Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard. Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help. In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness. The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily. This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.
She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally. Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on. Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would. This turns out to be a joke and he passes out. When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral. She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better.
This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen. Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why. Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles. I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow. Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something. You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you. You may not even know them. Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles. You might be helping people without even being aware of it. Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life.
Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story. You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them. You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts. Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them. I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true. Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats. I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog. I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me. I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.
My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me. Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself. But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them. This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.
For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction. Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help. I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was. I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions. The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs. In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others. Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.
Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier. If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it. Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using. Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start. No ifs, ands, or excuses about it. I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing. Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective. I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.
I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it. Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore. I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety. I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier. But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Effecting Change
Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone. Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums. I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post. I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times. Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Finally Alone but not at Peace.
I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog. One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see. That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing. But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned. In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet. Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it. Guess what he was absolutely right.
Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way. It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage. Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through. I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing. My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out. I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something. I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items. Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives. Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle. Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it. Not right or fair.
Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here. I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along. But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world. I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way. Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior. In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through.
2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn. This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of. I ended up losing everything that I had left. The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch. The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health. My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida. Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all. Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way. But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place. I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.
But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs. For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow. I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want. I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me. How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.
I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool. I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow. Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me. I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy. Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me. I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health. In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore. I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance. But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all. My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.
For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life. But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone. For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him. I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give. I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.
So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that. I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me. Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all. The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened. We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away. Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people. But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.
But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts. I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself. I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either. I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets. Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets. I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life. There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity. I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.
I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.
I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there. I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through, if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it. I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive. I hope you will too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way. It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage. Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through. I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing. My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out. I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something. I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items. Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives. Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle. Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it. Not right or fair.
Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here. I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along. But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world. I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way. Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior. In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through.
2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn. This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of. I ended up losing everything that I had left. The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch. The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health. My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida. Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all. Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way. But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place. I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.
But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs. For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow. I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want. I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me. How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.
I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool. I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow. Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me. I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy. Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me. I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health. In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore. I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance. But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all. My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.
For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life. But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone. For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him. I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give. I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.
So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that. I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me. Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all. The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened. We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away. Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people. But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.
But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts. I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself. I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either. I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets. Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets. I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life. There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity. I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.
I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.
I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there. I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through, if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it. I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive. I hope you will too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Learning to be
I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.
What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.
It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence. What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to. To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.
So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant. I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Easier written
I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud. Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world. Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships. Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with. During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner. More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done. I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone.
However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be. This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down. This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past. Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person. Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse. I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.
With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again. I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville. That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out. What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him. I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him. However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship, I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once.
Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.
With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him. With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.
My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants. It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.
By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.
Uncle B
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Change
Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.
What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.
My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die. Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing. The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back. No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.
However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.
As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.
I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight. So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.
This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me. I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.
For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams.
Uncle B
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Sleepless night
I am attempting to write this with my cell phone so please bear(IDK) with me. A lot has been going on in my life and some major changes are in the works. Back in February I did some foolish things and ended up getting really sick for a little while. Luckily I had met someone who would turn out to be not only a good friend, but a person I can depend on and learn from.
Please understand and for those of you who have been reading my blog faithfully will know this already about me. I have a great deal of book smarts, but in the world that only gets you so far. For 40 plus years I have been ruled by my heart and my emotions. I tried to please everyone, and I wanted to save every soul that was in need. For the most part I was able to live that way because I had partners that either didn't understand or really didn't care.
Over the years I was able to help a lot of people. Some of which are greatful and are successful today because of the help that I gave them others took what they could and went back to their old ways. Of course, I am saddened by their decision, but in the end it was what they decided to make of it. Now, there was a certain set of criterea that I followed, I wanted to the help those that were doing something to help themselves, most of the time they either had to have a job or were in school. We would set milestones and goals that were realistic and attainable. It worked out for the most part, yet I was pulled in many different directions and it seemed like I was always stepping out on a limb for someone. I took time to help everyone else, but I never stopped to take care of myself. I have been characterized by my grandmother and Angel on Earth and for quite a few people I have been. To others I was just a means to an end, someone that was foolish enough to believe what they were selling and pretty much getting taken advantage of.
Do you know why I started this blog and what it's purpose was suppose to be? I started this blog in 2012 when I was really sick and had to have multiple bowel surgeries and then I broke my leg and I was laid up in bed for nearly 8 full months. So as a way of trying to continue to help people I put my life out there for the world to see, all the good the bad, the ugly and the unvarnished truth. Some people hated how much of my life I shared with you, others took solace knowing that there was someone out there that was going through or had gone through something similiar to their own situation. So for several years now I have been chronicallying my life, but I have been giving real examples of how to overcome adversity, deal with health issues, disabilities, limitations, and most of all how to change your perspective and look at a situation objectively from all different angles.
I am proud that I have been able to help and reach so many people with my blog, and that my life and crisises that I have been through and endured have been an inspiration to many and have seen some of you through some really dark times. I thank you for all the emails and letters that I have recieved and the encouragement that some of you have given me. You cannot understand the overwhelming feeling I get when someone writes too me and tells me how my entry that day seemed to be speaking right too them and that it was written just so they could understand it perfectly. But here is the secret I write to purge my soul of a thought or situation that has been bothering me, but it is God that is speaking through my word or better yet those are the words that God allowed my hands to write and maybe it was written just for you or maybe it was written because that message needed to go out. Whatever the reason I write what I feel and about what is on my mind or what I am going through.
Here we are again, rambling along and you are probably wondering what I was trying to say. So, I guess I better get back on track and try to tie these threads of thought together so that you see clearly the picture I was trying to get too from the beginning. Let me jump in right here, I was talking about book smarts, and was heading towards the fact that I have just a little street smarts, but common sense I either lack totally or I have become so used to letting my feelings and heart over rule it that it doesn't exist and I get myself into situation after situation, problem after problem, and I am still running trying to save everyone and guess what I have once again forgotten about myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. But, as I have been telling you 2015 is a year of change and change has come to me and it started in February like I told you at the begining, it is all because of one person. He is very shy and doesn't like to be mentioned or talked about, and absolutely hates talking about his feelings. What I can say is this, he has taken some sort of interest in me and saw how quite a few people were taking advantage of me. They were abusing me with their words and deeds and I was just oblivious too it. Now here is the part that blows my mind he is half my age and then some, and here I am learning from him.
Now up until this point it has always been very difficult for me to say "NO" and when I have been backed into a corner and pressured I would cave in. Well, I have finally 2 people in my life who constantly remind me that it is okay to say NO and mean it. It is okay to want and do stuff for myself and that I owe no one and explanation for my decision. All that needs to be expressed is the decision and that is all. Boy it is hard for me, and a HUGE, GREAT, TITANIC change in my lifestyle that it is taking everyone by surprise, and yet those that matter like family and true friends are finally saying it is about damn time.
So bringing all the threads of this conversation together the purpose of this blog was to reach out and help people just like myself that were going through things and giving them real world answers and solutions. I have used my life and my story as examples. This is how I am going to save people now, this is how i am going to help others. Why am I telling you all of this? Well some of you are used to asking directly for help or money, or it could be a ride that you need or a slew of other things. But change is upon us! I know I have said it before, however this time you better believe I am sincere and this is taking place for real "Captain Save a Ho " is dead. I cannot come to your rescue because you made a bad choice, I am not going to reach out and save you everytime you screw up and make everything alright. I have done all of that for years and all it did was enable you to continue doing the things you are doing and putting myself into a routine and pattern that was just taken granted of.
If you need something or want me to do something for you, you need to come out and ask me. Stop assuming that I am just going to be there or that I am going to. I don't like feeling like I am expected to do something for you, because the truth is I am just doing you a favor, and you better understand that and respect it. No more demands, I am taking my time, engergy and most of the time gas to help you out. Understand that and be gracious.
Always remember this "LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART"
I have a set of criteria that I am measuring all my friends too and if they don't measure up I am cutting them loose, becasue they are just holding me back. See if you think my criteria is on point : A true friend is someone that puts your best interest up front, who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. Is a person that will defend you and stand up for your when you are not around. Is a person that has your back even when you mess things up royally. Who nurses you when you are sick. Helps you put the peices of your life back together when you are devestated. They lift you up when you are down. They will listen and offer their advice and their opinion. Learn to consider both.
As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Please understand and for those of you who have been reading my blog faithfully will know this already about me. I have a great deal of book smarts, but in the world that only gets you so far. For 40 plus years I have been ruled by my heart and my emotions. I tried to please everyone, and I wanted to save every soul that was in need. For the most part I was able to live that way because I had partners that either didn't understand or really didn't care.
Over the years I was able to help a lot of people. Some of which are greatful and are successful today because of the help that I gave them others took what they could and went back to their old ways. Of course, I am saddened by their decision, but in the end it was what they decided to make of it. Now, there was a certain set of criterea that I followed, I wanted to the help those that were doing something to help themselves, most of the time they either had to have a job or were in school. We would set milestones and goals that were realistic and attainable. It worked out for the most part, yet I was pulled in many different directions and it seemed like I was always stepping out on a limb for someone. I took time to help everyone else, but I never stopped to take care of myself. I have been characterized by my grandmother and Angel on Earth and for quite a few people I have been. To others I was just a means to an end, someone that was foolish enough to believe what they were selling and pretty much getting taken advantage of.
Do you know why I started this blog and what it's purpose was suppose to be? I started this blog in 2012 when I was really sick and had to have multiple bowel surgeries and then I broke my leg and I was laid up in bed for nearly 8 full months. So as a way of trying to continue to help people I put my life out there for the world to see, all the good the bad, the ugly and the unvarnished truth. Some people hated how much of my life I shared with you, others took solace knowing that there was someone out there that was going through or had gone through something similiar to their own situation. So for several years now I have been chronicallying my life, but I have been giving real examples of how to overcome adversity, deal with health issues, disabilities, limitations, and most of all how to change your perspective and look at a situation objectively from all different angles.
I am proud that I have been able to help and reach so many people with my blog, and that my life and crisises that I have been through and endured have been an inspiration to many and have seen some of you through some really dark times. I thank you for all the emails and letters that I have recieved and the encouragement that some of you have given me. You cannot understand the overwhelming feeling I get when someone writes too me and tells me how my entry that day seemed to be speaking right too them and that it was written just so they could understand it perfectly. But here is the secret I write to purge my soul of a thought or situation that has been bothering me, but it is God that is speaking through my word or better yet those are the words that God allowed my hands to write and maybe it was written just for you or maybe it was written because that message needed to go out. Whatever the reason I write what I feel and about what is on my mind or what I am going through.
Here we are again, rambling along and you are probably wondering what I was trying to say. So, I guess I better get back on track and try to tie these threads of thought together so that you see clearly the picture I was trying to get too from the beginning. Let me jump in right here, I was talking about book smarts, and was heading towards the fact that I have just a little street smarts, but common sense I either lack totally or I have become so used to letting my feelings and heart over rule it that it doesn't exist and I get myself into situation after situation, problem after problem, and I am still running trying to save everyone and guess what I have once again forgotten about myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. But, as I have been telling you 2015 is a year of change and change has come to me and it started in February like I told you at the begining, it is all because of one person. He is very shy and doesn't like to be mentioned or talked about, and absolutely hates talking about his feelings. What I can say is this, he has taken some sort of interest in me and saw how quite a few people were taking advantage of me. They were abusing me with their words and deeds and I was just oblivious too it. Now here is the part that blows my mind he is half my age and then some, and here I am learning from him.
Now up until this point it has always been very difficult for me to say "NO" and when I have been backed into a corner and pressured I would cave in. Well, I have finally 2 people in my life who constantly remind me that it is okay to say NO and mean it. It is okay to want and do stuff for myself and that I owe no one and explanation for my decision. All that needs to be expressed is the decision and that is all. Boy it is hard for me, and a HUGE, GREAT, TITANIC change in my lifestyle that it is taking everyone by surprise, and yet those that matter like family and true friends are finally saying it is about damn time.
So bringing all the threads of this conversation together the purpose of this blog was to reach out and help people just like myself that were going through things and giving them real world answers and solutions. I have used my life and my story as examples. This is how I am going to save people now, this is how i am going to help others. Why am I telling you all of this? Well some of you are used to asking directly for help or money, or it could be a ride that you need or a slew of other things. But change is upon us! I know I have said it before, however this time you better believe I am sincere and this is taking place for real "Captain Save a Ho " is dead. I cannot come to your rescue because you made a bad choice, I am not going to reach out and save you everytime you screw up and make everything alright. I have done all of that for years and all it did was enable you to continue doing the things you are doing and putting myself into a routine and pattern that was just taken granted of.
If you need something or want me to do something for you, you need to come out and ask me. Stop assuming that I am just going to be there or that I am going to. I don't like feeling like I am expected to do something for you, because the truth is I am just doing you a favor, and you better understand that and respect it. No more demands, I am taking my time, engergy and most of the time gas to help you out. Understand that and be gracious.
Always remember this "LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART"
I have a set of criteria that I am measuring all my friends too and if they don't measure up I am cutting them loose, becasue they are just holding me back. See if you think my criteria is on point : A true friend is someone that puts your best interest up front, who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. Is a person that will defend you and stand up for your when you are not around. Is a person that has your back even when you mess things up royally. Who nurses you when you are sick. Helps you put the peices of your life back together when you are devestated. They lift you up when you are down. They will listen and offer their advice and their opinion. Learn to consider both.
As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, March 22, 2015
A new Dawn
Last night I swear I was visited by my friend Mary, she kept me up most of the night but helped me work through some very tough and touchy issues that have been brought up in my life. I keep coming back to her this morning as I sit here listening to Gospel music and thinking about my night. I am reminded that I am not my illness, I am not my sexual preference, I am human, and I have a face and a name. I want to remind each of us that we are all important, we each have a voice and a story to tell. I encourage you to tell your story to anyone who will listen to you. Because, you never know what the person next to you is going through. The pain that you have felt will be conveyed in your story through the power of your voice, and you don't know how much that pain you have experienced will help the next person. I have told you so many times before that you never know where a casual conversation is going to take you.
I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past. See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on. I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay. Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.
Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not. It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you. But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels. You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner. Take back that power that has been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.
Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror. It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey. They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in. Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey. You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.
I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have. From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door. For you are loved, blessed and favored!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past. See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on. I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay. Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.
Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not. It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you. But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels. You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner. Take back that power that has been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.
Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror. It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey. They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in. Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey. You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.
I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have. From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door. For you are loved, blessed and favored!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, February 2, 2015
Food for Thought Feb 2, 2015
This is a little teaser to get you to start thinking about yourself and where you want to go. I call these little tidbits Food for Thought:
Life is what you make of it. Remain positive, smile at everyone, laugh at adversity, and be confident in your actions. Remember you are a work in progress, strive for perfection one day at a time. At the end of your journey you are going to find out that you have been molded and sculpted into a priceless and precious work of art. We are all unique, we have our own personalities, let your light shine to the world. Be yourself, love unconditionally, learn something new each day. Remember when trouble comes your way "This too Shall pass and fade away".
If you remember this throughout the day today, I think you will find that you have been blessed.
Life is what you make of it. Remain positive, smile at everyone, laugh at adversity, and be confident in your actions. Remember you are a work in progress, strive for perfection one day at a time. At the end of your journey you are going to find out that you have been molded and sculpted into a priceless and precious work of art. We are all unique, we have our own personalities, let your light shine to the world. Be yourself, love unconditionally, learn something new each day. Remember when trouble comes your way "This too Shall pass and fade away".
If you remember this throughout the day today, I think you will find that you have been blessed.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Learning to Live Again
How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year? How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died? How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured. The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again. You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on. Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation. Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you. In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become. We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.
Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through. From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you. If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before. We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up. These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's. People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.
If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on. We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough. These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it. These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times. These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last. When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you. Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.
Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do. This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again. Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems. I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems. I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues. See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.
One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss. Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again. Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things. One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done. I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished. Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time. But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly. On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems. It is amazing how things work out.
As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013. My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins. Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways. Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through. From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you. If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before. We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up. These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's. People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.
If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on. We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough. These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it. These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times. These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last. When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you. Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.
Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do. This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again. Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems. I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems. I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues. See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.
One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss. Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again. Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things. One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done. I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished. Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time. But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly. On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems. It is amazing how things work out.
As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013. My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins. Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways. Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)
As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured. But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year. I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds. This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here. It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you. Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously. However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed. There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.
I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year. This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me. I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days. I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart. This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared. Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning. I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit. I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week. To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area. I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area. I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me. We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans. Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got. The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me. How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable. This actually touched me in a very deep way.
See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person. How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line. See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us. Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them. Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world. Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you. As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death. It has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others. I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed. There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them. Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were. People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!
I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them. I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you. I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions. You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time. I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it. Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this. I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together. I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me. But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come. He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came. We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try? I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.
Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me. Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there. I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon. Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call. When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room. We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time. However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life. He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years. That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy. Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry. Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure. Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually thought he was interested in someone else. It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted. His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk. However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.
I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them. In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With". It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others. I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up. See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep. I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital. Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis. Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying. At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact. I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year. So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet. Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.
This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year. I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet. I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life. I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world. On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about. But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day. I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me. I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface. That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.
Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me. This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own. Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me. But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me. This is new and it is interesting. As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently. I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world. After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have. We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation. Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.
But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease. That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction. That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed. In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing. I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through. Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists. Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder. But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me. When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.
As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on. In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots. His perception of me was changed. See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex. You just never know do you! Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying. It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them. So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story. Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally. God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me. He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for. He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be. He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could. When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.
Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you. For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me. I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health. I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year. Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration. But it is because of all of you that I am. It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown. It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing. It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone. You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in. I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life. Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on. Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.
Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year. This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me. I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days. I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart. This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared. Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning. I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit. I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week. To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area. I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area. I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me. We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans. Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got. The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me. How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable. This actually touched me in a very deep way.
See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person. How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line. See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us. Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them. Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world. Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you. As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death. It has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others. I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed. There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them. Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were. People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!
I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them. I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you. I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions. You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time. I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it. Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this. I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together. I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me. But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come. He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came. We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try? I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.
Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me. Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there. I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon. Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call. When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room. We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time. However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life. He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years. That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy. Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry. Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure. Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually thought he was interested in someone else. It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted. His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk. However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.
I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them. In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With". It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others. I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up. See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep. I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital. Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis. Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying. At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact. I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year. So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet. Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.
This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year. I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet. I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life. I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world. On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about. But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day. I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me. I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface. That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.
Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me. This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own. Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me. But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me. This is new and it is interesting. As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently. I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world. After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have. We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation. Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.
But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease. That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction. That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed. In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing. I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through. Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists. Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder. But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me. When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.
As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on. In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots. His perception of me was changed. See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex. You just never know do you! Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying. It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them. So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story. Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally. God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me. He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for. He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be. He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could. When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.
Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you. For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me. I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health. I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year. Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration. But it is because of all of you that I am. It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown. It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing. It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone. You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in. I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life. Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on. Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.
Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, November 15, 2012
What Have I Done? Captain-Save-a-Ho is Gone
A couple of weeks ago I talked to you about when is it going to be my turn. When am I going to find someone that puts me first, puts my needs and wants before their own, and when am I going to have someone that I can depend on? For the answer to that my friends it has become evident that I am going to have to change something about myself. Do something about who and what others think and perceive me to be. As sad as this might sound, I think I am the one that has caused others to see me as a person they can rely on, they can depend on me, and I am always going to be there to bail them out of every situation that they get themselves into. I must have really done a number on myself and these individuals over time to have them, honestly think that I can always at the drop of a hat, reach out my hand and lift them back out of the situations they have gotten themselves into.
What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time. The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore. I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could. A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in. But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.
Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could. I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over! Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career. I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out. Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street. How many of you are there when I need a helping hand? How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay? Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.
My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part". This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now. Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up. You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want. You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen. Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.
See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you. You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need. It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other. I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people. I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on. I guess that also means I have outgrown you. See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means. But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more. I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger. They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is. The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there. You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there. Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.
I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me. I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you. In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity. Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too. Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.
I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return. If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about. If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation. You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.
Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages. You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.
Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me. Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me. I am so much more than you can see. I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for. We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away. You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid. You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's. I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have. If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.
I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be? Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out. I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here. I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.
Take care T, I am gone. Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html
What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time. The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore. I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could. A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in. But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.
Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could. I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over! Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career. I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out. Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street. How many of you are there when I need a helping hand? How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay? Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.
My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part". This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now. Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up. You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want. You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen. Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.
See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you. You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need. It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other. I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people. I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on. I guess that also means I have outgrown you. See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means. But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more. I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger. They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is. The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there. You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there. Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.
I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me. I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you. In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity. Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too. Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.
I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return. If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about. If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation. You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.
Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages. You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.
Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me. Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me. I am so much more than you can see. I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for. We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away. You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid. You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's. I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have. If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.
I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be? Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out. I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here. I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.
Take care T, I am gone. Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html
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