Holiday Let Down

Every year after the Holiday's the nation goes through a huge merchandise return period, followed by the yearly let down that people begin to feel as their family and friends leave and head home.  Refrigerators are filled with leftovers and the nation goes through a period of feeling bloated and wishing that they hadn't over eaten.

This yearly cycle starts right around Thanksgiving and goes pretty much up till New Years.  Every year we go through the motions of stating our New Year's resolutions and for some of us we struggle for months trying to keep them.  Some give up in a day or two, others try to keep up with them longer, but eventually they are usually all broken by June.

I didn't have any big expectations for this year at Christmas, my partner was in Jail and I was spending the holiday's with my two best friends and called all my family and friends that I could think of.  But other than that I just wanted a quiet time to myself and read my books then deal with a lot of people filled with cheer and gift giving.

Unfortunately, things don't always pan out as they are planned, I had thought that I would have enough money to pay my phone bill this week and keep it from getting shut off, but unfortunately, my funding fell through and it looks like my phones are going to end up being turned off till I get paid on the 3rd of January.

This put's a wrinkle in my plans in keeping in touch with my partner.  It also limits me on some of my other plans that I had going on for the end of the year. But in the end everything is going to be alright eventually.  I am not too worried at this moment. I am trying to get things situated to so that I can move into a new place after the first of the year.  I am hoping that with all my planning and working through Miracle of Love to get into a very nice place works out smoothly so that by the time the dust settles and the partner is home that the new place is ready to move into.

I have also taken this time this holiday season to apply at Lyft and Uber trying to drive with one of them.  Unfortunately,  my background check came back with some issues and I had to send in to get them disputed and corrected.  So I am back in the waiting phase for that.  I have also put in my application to AT&T through Spring Mobile who I used to work for in Jacksonville and I am hoping that I hear something back about going back to work for them.  I really enjoyed my position in Jacksonville and I have been trying to get back in with them since they let me go due to faulty information that they pulled during my background check.

All in all the new year is looking much better and more hopeful then 2018 did.  Yet, with the holiday let down and my mood being all over the place, I have been strolling down memory lane lately and going through old posts and pictures from Facebook and Twitter and other areas of my life.  I started reaching out to people from my past trying to rekindle lost friendships and relationships along the way.  I think that getting back in touch with people that have meant something to me in the past is an important part of how I am going to move forward.  Now that I am 50 I realize that I am missing out on a lot of their lives and I feel alone at times.

For the most part the contact has been positive and well received and I am looking forward to what the future may bring with the coming months and even years as we progress on a new journey of friendship and companionship.  I look forward to reaching people who from my distant past seemed to have drifted away and I haven't heard from in years. We will see if things pan out the way I hope and pray they will.

Don't let the post party let down get to you.  Don't feel like you have screwed up irreparably your diet because you indulged during your family gatherings, you have a whole year to lose those pounds that you have gained.  Family and friends are just a call or text away, and you can stay in touch with them easier now more than ever.  With technology the way it is today there should be no reason why you can't keep in touch with those that are important to you.  Life is full of unexpected moments and we need to realize and take advantage of them as they happen. 

The year is winding down and things are finally drawing to a close for 2018.  It is time to start looking forward to 2019 and all the excitement and adventures that it will bring to your life.  Forget about everything that you went through in 2018 because it is over and done now and can't be changed even if you wanted to.  That is what is funny about the past it is the only thing that is set in stone and can't be changed! The future is fluid and elastic and isn't written till you stumble through it.  We don't even know that we are in it till it is past.  Because the present is constantly changing and fluxing as we make decisions.  Our feet may be on the path, but until you take a step the present doesn't change to the past.  Just think about it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Disappointments

Disappointments should be nothing new to me.  I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now.  Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time.  I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip.  Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options.  I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon.  Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside,  I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction.  I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend.  A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent.  This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.

I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good.  If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation.  But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to.  I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.

I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities.  I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for.  I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long.  I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place.  I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car.  In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.

I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to.  I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place.  It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again.  After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of.  I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough.  I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.

It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face.  I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison.  I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before.  I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more.  I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own.  But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with.  Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.

Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery.  Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means.  Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore.  I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her.  This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in.  The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table.  That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward.  It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again.  A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.

Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me.  I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me.  Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now.  So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.

I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues.  So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.

Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run.  The waiting game is the hardest part right now.  But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time.  The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon.  I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.

What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life.  It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues.  It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow.  We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them.  Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts.  Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.

No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go.  No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain.  Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such.  You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in.  Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday.  I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year.  I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.

Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through.  In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices.  Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles.  Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself.  You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life.  Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.

One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery.  Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again.  It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up.  There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can. 

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Even Today

Today I met with UF Health CARES only to find out that my paperwork from Daytona was not conpletely faxed across. I couldn't prove that I ever had a registered viral load. Too the doctor that reviewed the portion of the test that came across the fax it looks like I have always been undetectable.  This one mistake made my entire visit there non-productive. I had to have my blood drawn to get a new proof of positiveness letter and reschedule my appointment for 2 weeks away. This is rather disappointing because that means it will be another two weeks before I am finally enrolled in Ryan White services.  I can tell you that the visit wasn't entirely a waste. I met Brandon during my visit, a highly intelligent young man who besides being heterosexual, he was also born with HIV.

Though we didn't have as much time I would have liked. I got to discuss a bit of his story as I told him my own.  One thing that I was capable of doing was answering many of the questions that he had.  I am amazed that even today persons with HIV can still feel prejudice and stigma. Which can trigger deep depression and feelings of fear, persecution, alienation. All of which can instill a deep and abiding sense of worthlessness and a lack of self-worth.  Which according to Brandon has often made him feel as if he were a burden to others and unlovable. 

His most relevant question for me was how do I stay positive and grounded? Luckily for him I was asked almost the same question not an hour before by the social worker for my primary care team at the VA. My answer to their question was simply that first I don't dwell on my illness and second that I use my blog as a sort of catharsis.  That's right my coping mechanism is writing in my blog as well as telling to others my story every chance I can.

Like Brandon, I still deal with stigma and fear. I also know from our talk today that fear is a constant companion. Like me, we both fear how others will react to our disclosure of our illness. How others will receive us.  The fear that others will reject us and thus diminish our hopes for a relationship. There are now treatments that a mixed couple (one poz and the other not). This maybe an option for some. But what if your potential partner isn't willing or not educated about it.  However you decide to handle this dilemma is up to you.

But there is a whole lot more to Brandon than meets the eye. He feels compelled to help others, he has dedicated himself to the expansion of HIV research. In his own words he felt like he had a debt to pay becausr of everything he went through and his still being alive. With that debt in mind he dedicated himself in his sisters memory to constantly trying make a difference and help those around him.

Whether we want to accept it or not fear, misconception , stigma and prejudice still persist today. There are groups like the positive champions speakers bureau that work hard to stem these injustices and seek to educate and elighten the community of the truth of this disease. Back in the 1980's and the 1990's HIV/AIDS was headline news. There were marches, charity drives, concerts and an outpouring of information. Now,  there is barely mention of AIDS Related death's and one rarely hears of the infection rates. Yet, one thing that I have learned is that in some of the nations largest cities. The majority of people being diagnosed, are dianosed with full blown AIDS versus being diagnosed with HIV.

As I explained to Brandon that my telling of my story has a two fold reward for me.  It gives me the opportunity to talk to others one on one about what I went through and how it has affected me both positively and negatively. The second is that I am inspiring hope in others who might have given up on themselves and society in general.

One of the things about me is that I truly enjoy talking to people and it makes me feel like I am helping others and gives me a sense that I am giving something back to the community.

So if you are looking for a way to cope with your feelings of anxiety and depression or are looking for ways to deep or cope with stereotypes and stigma. Then maybe you should take up writing and talking to others about your story. I honestly think that you will find that your depression lessens and your self-worth will increase.

You are not doing this for yourself alone yet you will reap the most benefit from doing these things.

As always my hopes and prayers are with you. Love deeply, laugh often and live much.

Uncle B

From the frying pan to the fire

There are some days that it just isn't worth getting out of bed. Today was one of those such days for me. How much trouble can one Sunday bring. Well if you are wondering it can bring a whole handful of them. Trust me when I say that it was no picnic here in the glorious gleaming metropolis of Daytona, just a continuation of a terrible week, that was full of stress and aggravation. It has been already two whole weeks here in this house and still I am waiting on the owner's to finish up the extremely long list of unfinished items. Thank God the bedroom and bathroom doors were finally put in.

As the severe winds and storms lashed out at my new home I understand the reasoning why the rest of the windows have to be totally replaced. The makeshift curtain that I made out of a bedsheet flew across my room as the wind came rushing in around the old rotted frame. Hail fell from the sky and the rotten wood along the edges of the roof finally ripped off and fell to the ground. All of this should have been done prior to anyone occupying the house, but alas it hasn't been.

The weekend has passed and I never saw any of the owner's show up to paint the house, which by the way I was called Tuesday morning of last week to remind me that they would be here bright and early Saturday morning to begin painting. I was also told that later Tuesday afternoon that someone needed to be at the house because the electrician would be here to looking to why the second bedroom has no power. Here it is early Monday morning a week later and little has been done to our house. It is awfully funny how the landlord had told us prior to moving in that everything had been finished and that the house had been sitting empty for 3 months till he could find just the right tenants to move in. Well if this place is finished then I am probably the exact tenant that he needs here. 

But enough of that aside for now, why was today the perfect day for me to stay in bed? Well for one my best friend's ex boyfriend who stole my pain pills, got himself arrested and then showed up at my house the very next day apologizing for his behavior and assuring me that he had over $300.00 for me. All he has to do was go down to police property and get his things. This took over 5 hours to complete and when he got back instead of the $300 he only had $120. My friend needed to borrow most of that to get caught up on his bills but low and behold the guy took off again with not only my $120 he also got my friend for $50 more dollars. I waited all day and dude never came back or reached out to me at all. So not only am I out my pain pills, I am also broke and I feel bad that my friend lost his money and I have been unable to help him out.

On top of all of this it was 4 years ago that I was notified that my sister had died and left this tired old world behind. Now truly her two sons are orphans and I am the only person left to take care of them. Not that I haven't been doing this already for over 15 years.  In all honesty it was knowing that she was still here even though she was paralyzed and on respirators that gave me the strength to try and be a good parent and role model. I know that in many ways I was not prepared for the responsibility, nor had I experienced enough if my own life to be much more than a good friend to these young boys. Much too my shame it is also when I learned about drugs and the hard truths about addiction.  As I lay under my blankets and think of all these things something comes to me just before midnight. I must have done a fairly good job with both of the boys, neither of them have really ever been in trouble, both of them are working, both of them are married and I am a grandfather/granduncle 4 times over. I ended up legally adopting them when it became clear that there was no hope of recovery for my sister.

So even though today was a very hard and lonely day for me. I at least realized that everything happens for a reason and though I did so many things wrong, I must have done some very right. I may be stressed out about this house, my health and my troubled relationship, my lack of money and my deep feelings of dispair, depression and loneliness. I have still got my family and everything that I have accomplished and been through to sustain me during these especially hard times. I just have to keep in mind that this too shall pass as all things before them. Much love my family. I love you dearly you keep me going even when I feel that all has been lost.

As always Live well, love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Catalyst for change!

Someone told me last week that out of darkness comes life, and I have been thinking on that all week. I had been sick and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write, but I am starting to feel a little better with the antibiotics.  Anyhow we were talking about life coming from darkness.  The Bible tells us in the beginning there was darkness and God spoke and there was light, then He created the earth.

Have you ever noticed when your life is turned upside down and you can't seem to figure out which way to turn, let alone figure out what to do and how to solve the issue or the problem that your life seems to take on a new direction and path that you have no idea where it is going to lead you?  Well, I have several times and at these moments my life totally changed and went in a different direction and brought me to a new destination.  I believe that these dark times or trouble times are way points on the road of life.  They make us re-evaluate our entire situation, and though it may seem bleak and you feel desperate and alone you are not.  God is with you!

I know it is difficult sometimes to just let go and leave it up to God, Fate, or whatever you believe.  But, the saying that my grandmother used to say to me all the time, this too shall pass.  Trust me everything has it's time and season.  Nothing last forever and even though our problems don't always go away when we want them too or get resolve exactly as we thought they should.  They are resolved exactly as the should.  Fate takes us to where we need to be.

So, what exactly do I mean catalyst for change?  It is my opinion and belief that we, mankind, only learn our lessons through pain.  Follow me on this, there is a certain amount of grief and pain we feel whenever we hit the dark spots in our lives.  They always say it's "always darkest before the dawn" and I believe that to be true.  What do I exactly mean by this, well for each trial we go through a lesson is learned and I bet there was either physical or emotional pain involved in this life changing event.

Like this month, I ended up running short on money because of some very poor management of my funds. I thought I was going to have to struggle and that I wouldn't have enough food to eat for the rest of the month or gas to get to the appointments that I have.  I was worried, upset at myself for the frivolous spending and full of regret.  However, I left the situation in God's hands, was completely honest with myself that I was foolish to purchase what I did. However the damage, was done and I was eagerly awaiting the UPS to deliver what I had order.  I think most people go through something like this whenever they make a big purchase, I call it buyers remorse, guilt over buying something that you wanted.  It would be different if what you purchased was needed. But this item was a want and a must have.

Needless to say this was a bit of a dark period for me.  Just a minor storm on the sea of life and just a little example.  A bigger example would be the point when in August I went to the imaging center to have an MRI of my back.  I could hardly get up from the bed let alone do much of anything else because my back hurt so bad.  But, I drove to the center, got in the door and was in a wheelchair and in less than an hour I was in the hospital to stay till November.  It was a long hard journey, I was told I would never walk again that my life would be forever altered because I would need to have extra aid in walking and getting around.  But, I did as I always do, I prayed and I plodded on, did what I could and let go of the rest. Here I am now out of the hospital and I still have pain in my back but nothing like I did when I went to the hospital.  I have trouble coughing or yawning because my rib cage is partially compressed which doesn't allow my lungs to fully expand.

Because of that infection and the damage done to my spine, my life will forever be changed. I will not be able to lift heavy objects, fully expand my lungs and I will have to stay on some form of pain pills or substance to keep me going.  I have had to change my lifestyle quite a bit to make the concessions this new body is requiring.  Now I have to depend on other people for help grocery shopping, carrying items too and from my car, doing my laundry and anything requiring me to stand for any length of time.  The pain becomes so great then my legs stop working, I have loss of strength on the left side of my body still and my leg still gives out whenever it wants too.

I made it through. I kept remember that everything has an expiration date, and moves on with time. No matter the trouble you are going through, someone else out there is going through something worse.  If you try and keep that in mind your mountain might not seem to be as high as it was a first glance.  Humans have a tendency to over-react to situations, they panic, and worry especially me. I am the worrier, I have a vivid imagination and every possible bad thing seems to run through my mind before I have even analyzed the problem correctly. So my molehill becomes a giant mountain and I don't know how to climb it, scale its sides or make it around.  These are the things that I call darkness in our lives.  Another, could be the loss of a loved one, the repossession of a house or car. Any disaster that hits our lives head on without any warning.

Pain causes us to change our course.  We either have to climb and scale the mountain or go around somehow.  We aren't perfect and we make bad choices and decisions and we have to live with the consequences.  So when is it that we make this life altering changes?  Not in the average every day problem. But those disasters that derail us from our goals.  They rob us of our breathe and cause us great anxiety or suffer some huge loss.  My friend lost her mother, and her brother within seven months of each other, and while she was planning the funeral for her brother, still mourning her mother's passing, her house was repossessed and she was given a court order to abandon the family home within 3 days.  Now, that is a disaster, a life changing event.  It was a dark time for her, and even now 9 months later she is still reeling from that disaster, but she did what she had to do and stayed true to herself and her faith.

I was trying to figure out the amount of pain it takes to make us change our ways, habits, lifestyles.  I would say it takes and earth shattering, mind blowing, rock bottom place before we change and make a new path for ourselves to walk upon.  I recently lost my best friend and partner, he decided to leave and fulfill other obligations.  But, because of his decision and lack of communication it caused a great deal of hurt, pain and eventually loss.  Not to mention right after that I got the infection in my back and started the downward  spiral in my health.  This loss caused me to re-evaluate my needs and desires.  I went from a 2 bedroom to a one bedroom and started to minimize my possessions. I took and fulfilled my needs and not my wants.

So, darkness, light, pain, trouble. are these the catalyst for change?  Yes and no.  Trouble and pain are found in the darkness, and when they are exposed to the light the change occurs.  So in a way light at the end of the tunnel is a sign that change is coming to you. That you have journey over the mountain or made your way around it.  Keep in mind that anything done in the darkness eventually comes to light.  Meaning whatever you have done in secret or in a hurtful manner will eventually be exposed.  Things that flourish in darkness such as despair, loneliness, depression, anxiety all of these things fade when expose to the light because the light cannot tolerate them, happiness, truth, and change are things of the light and they can't survive long in darkness.

Putting out positive bring you positive back.  No one can make you change anything except you.  You have to hit the absolute rock bottom, see no way out, no future, have no hope and even then if you don't have the desire to change you won't. All you will do is wallow in your self-pity, indulge your sense of despair and hopeless. You will wander around in the darkness and suffer until you make the change.  Your tolerance for pain, humiliation and degradation are great and I have myself wallowed in self-pity and been on self-destructive paths, so I know what I am talking about.  Take a chance, walk out in faith and grab the light, for in it you will excel and you will see that your issue, problem, addiction or whatever the issue is cannot keep you down forever.  Remember, everything in this life has and expiration date and that means it isn't permanent and won't last forever, you can and will come through it.  Whether or not it changed you is totally up to you.

Change comes in many forms, and the road of life is not a straight shot, it is rocky, got lots of potholes, obstacles and way point along the way.  It is this journey that makes us into the people we are today.  Keep an open mind be flexible and not afraid of change.  Keep moving forward and do the best that you can do and learn from every obstacle you hit.  Because if you aren't learning you aren't actually living you are just surviving. You could be lost or stuck in a rut but you will never get out if you aren't open to change.  You don't have to continually endure the pain, there is a way out, you just have to find it.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Living your own life can inspire someone...You just never know!

This is an email that I got on Meetme.com yesterday, and I wanted to reprint it here, along with my response.  We just never know how us living our daily life, and being ourselves can actually help or inspire someone else.  How you handle and deal with your everyday problems and crap can actually give another person hope.  Plus, we actually never know what another person is going through or feeling until we actually talk to them.  But here it goes:

The email I received:  Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.

Here is my response:  Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.

I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.

Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.

Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have. 

Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.

I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.

As I was stating, just being ourselves might make all the difference in the world.  Extend the hand of friendship and see where it leads you. You might be surprised at how a casual email or conversation can really touch another person's life. Nor where those conversations might lead you.  

I never thought that just by complaining about how my day was going, and what I was going through was going to impact another persons life like this. I too understand about using the computer and current technology as a social life and a window into the world.  Though I do miss social interactions and dealings with people on a daily basis. Hence my decision to go back to school and try a new career.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you ever done something that hurt someone else but you didn't mean for it too?

I am sure we all have done something at one point in our lives or another that has hurt another individual but that wasn't the original intention behind the action.  So what do you do to make the situation better?  Honestly there may not be anything that you can do. The damage is done, the person's feeling are hurt, they feel betrayed, and their fragile trust has been injured or possibly even broken.  So how do you proceed and act?  The simple answer here is you might have to abide by their wishes and take a break from them and the situation for a little while. Give them a chance for the wounds to heal before you try and approach them again.  Because no matter what you do or say to mend the situation may just probably end up making it a lot worse.  I am sure that we have addressed something along these lines before.  Remember when a person is feeling hurt and vulnerable nothing you say or can do is ever going to be heard by that person. They are so focused on the pain of the incident that the extraneous information you are trying to rationalize or justify the action with is lost totally on them and they don't care. All they feel is the slight and hurt that has wounded them.

In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation.  However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally.  They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident.  Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms.  We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road.  Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times.  Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.

I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you.  As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal.  Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow.  So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened.  Time is the only true cure that can help someone.  Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.

Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time.  Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not.  They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them.  When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe.  You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too.  But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through.  Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt.  Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual.  Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.

Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended .  No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends.  Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint.  Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend.  Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends.  No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.

Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.

Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever.  Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall.  But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up.  Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are some Suicidal Warning Signs?

Over the past couple of days I have been talking to you about Suicide.  We talked about what it means to be a Gatekeeper, how to be an attentive listener, and then we went over some of the risk factors that can possibly contribute to someone contemplating or even committing suicide.  Today I want to take the discussion a little bit further and talk to you about some of the warning signs that you should be aware of and looking and listening for when talking with a person that is depressed and could possibly be at risk for suicide.  Remember it is always better to be safe than sorry, and it is good to ask as many questions as you can to get to the heart of the matter and really understand what the person is going through and experiencing.  Keep in mind that just by listening and demonstrating that you are someone that cares you may just be saving someone's life.

Do you remember the other day when I told you that the two biggest factors or risks are the feelings of hopelessness and depression?  What you might not realize is that these two things go hand in hand.  They act upon a persons mind in such away that they cannot think or see clearly and they begin to feel trapped.  Every problem, emotion and crisis because larger and even harder to manage much less handle.  Depression alone can make a person feel like they aren't capable of dealing with the issue, it robs them of clarity of mind and purpose and certainly can make a small problem or issue seem like an insurmountable mountain. Now, throw in the sense of hopelessness and you will find a person that is paralyzed, looking for a way out but cannot seem to see a light in the darkness anywhere.  Hopelessness + Depression = Suicidal Risk.

In this article I am making the assumption that the person you are talking too is someone that you know or might have known, which is why they have decided to speak with you regarding what they are feeling and going through, though this might not always be the case.  So when I am discussing potential warning signs, I am going to be trying to speak in general terms.  Behaviors that you may have personally observed or might have been told about during your conversation.   Keep in mind that if this isn't someone that you know or see on a regular basis you might have to ask some invasive questions to get the answers you are looking for. However, if this is someone that you know well, or have a good deal of contact with you may have picked up some of these warning signs through casual observation, but you still need to explore them and ask questions to make sure that you haven't made an assumption or jumped to the wrong conclusion about something.  So here we go, here are some suicidal warning signs that you should be aware of and looking for either by direct observation or through your casual conversation.

Has there been an uncharacteristic decline in job performance or school attendance?  Do they seem isolated and withdrawn from you or other people?  Have you noticed or has there been any change in behavior or personality?  Keep in mind this can be positive or negative behavior, you cannot tell by looking at a person alone and tell if they are feeling suicidal.  Is there emotional or mental state of highs and lows?  Moodiness?  Has there been any change to their sleeping or eating habits?  People who are depressed and or feeling hopeless may not be able to shut down their mind at night, it keeps racing over all of their problems and situations and they can't shut down to sleep.  Has there been an increase in agitation?  Always angry or lashing out at others?  Have the begun to exhibit behaviors of acting out?  As I prefaced this part earlier these maybe signs that you being around the person you have noticed.  If you are not always around this person or have much interaction with them you may have to get them to open up to you, you have to ask them questions like the ones listed above to draw them out.  Here are some other things to look for.  Do they demonstrate or have indicated in some way that they are having trouble concentrating?  Do they feel a low self-worth or are they demonstrating this in some way?  Have you notice them displaying symptoms of being a failure?  Or have they indicated to you that they feel like they are a failure in some way? Has everything thing they have done worked out the way that they had planned?  If it hasn't this can lead them to thinking that they are a failure.  Have you ever tried to accomplish something, taken a step forward, but felt like for the step forward you have gone 5 steps backward at the same time? This also can lead to feelings of failure! Do they say or feel a sense of helplessness?  Demonstrate or express feelings of guilt?  Cry a lot? Or get emotional at the drop of a hat?  Ever talked about or attempted suicide before?

Is there a demonstrated or perceived preoccupation with death? Death-taking or writing about suicide?  Any signs of self-harm or cutting? Self mutilation?  Any open talk of suicide or death?  A demonstrated or perceived notion that they might be getting their affairs in order?  Giving away cherished items unexpectedly? I know it might be hard for you to identify these things if they are not close personal friends of yours.  You may not see them on a regular basis, therefore you are going to have to pry and dig to get to the answers to these questions but as I have said in the previous entries that I have written on suicide you have to have a complete picture.  You cannot just assume that someone is contemplating suicide, you need to be blunt and ask them.  Remember you are not going to push them into committing suicide by asking them about it. You may even draw them into discussion about it and eliminate some of their worry and anxiety about their situation and it may even save their lives.

Here are some factors that you should be on the look out for, these are imminent warning signs.  By imminent I mean they could act at any moment and these are signs that might indicate an immediate action.  If there has been a significant increase of alcohol and drug use. A trend of isolating themselves from friends and family.  They appear to be engaging in behaviors that are risk taking, they lack concern for their safety and they demonstrate no fear when committing them.  An increase of persistent physical complaints, dramatic mood changes and profound lack of concentration, or sudden mood improvement.  During conversations they display expressions of sadness or laughter that are in context of the conversation.  They are acting like they don't have a clue as too what everyone has been talking about.  Keep in mind that if you notice these things that they could be an unconscious cry for help and you should try and pull them aside and talk to them, try to get them to open up about what they are going through, push to find out what they are doing to themselves.  If you have to use pointed and open ended questions to draw them out into conversation. Getting them to talk will if nothing else fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle for you.  However, it might just get them to express themselves enough to cut down their anxiety, dispel their fear that they are alone and might turn the whole situation around.  You would be surprised sometimes how your biggest problems or worries don't seem so big once you begin talking about them and get them out into the open.

The main thing that you have to remember that the right combinations of stress, trouble, sense of being all alone and trapped, make it easy for depression to come into the picture, through in a sense of hopelessness and you have a situation that is ripe for suicide.  As always I encourage you to look at those around you, notice any odd behaviors, whether they are fitting in with others well, are they integrating well with the people and places around them.  Be a conscientious listener, compassionate, demonstrating a genuine concern and regard for them.  Show them that you are there for them and willing to help them.  As I said before, you maybe the only thing standing in this person's way and suicide.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Suicide, Myths and Facts revealed!

Several months ago a friend of mine and I started the Plus Suicide Project on Google +.  We created it in response to the increasing number of teen suicides that we saw occurring in the LBGT teen community.  However, I felt that I didn't have enough information at my command to deal with this situation in the appropriate manner.  Last night I attend a training seminar that is designed toward suicide prevention and make us the first line of defense in the fight against it.  The program is designed to train Gatekeepers, these are compassionate, caring individuals that are trained to develop the knowledge, attitude and skills to identify people at risk for suicide.  They are trained to manage a crisis situation and get the individual help and assistance as needed.   After going through the course I wanted to share some of the information that I learned from it with you.  I think it is important to cover the facts about suicide and explore the myths and misconceptions that individuals have about suicide.

If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point.  Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat.  That it can come from any corner and hit anyone.  Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide.  But let's explore the facts first.

Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't.  Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34.  There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day.  Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people.  Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop.  More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them.  However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation.  It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.

So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis.  Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide.  Fact:  Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior.  Myth:  Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide.  Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions.  80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent.  Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail.  Myth:  If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you.  Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality.  The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance.  You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.

Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status.  Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes.  Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide.  Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide.  There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.

We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind.  Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide.  Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts.  Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide.  Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life.  I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them.  You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.

So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide?  Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals?  The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have.  You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.  Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide.  Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem.  Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.

What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides.  Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide.  Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help.  You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off.  Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.

Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss.  No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.

I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring.  Everything is possible.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is a powerful thing? Read these two poems and see for yourself

Never fear mother dear, I heard your heart beating within your womb,
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.

Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!

When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?

The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.

When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.

The brain is a powerful thing!

The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.

Isn't the brain a powerful thing?

Choices Are Us!

Sounds like a chain store doesn't it? Well last night I was writing about settling for less than what we want.  I told you to go for it, damn the consequences and make yourself happy, not to second guess yourself or beat yourself up for buying whatever it is that you wanted or needed.  But as I sat here today thinking about things, it dawned on me that life is nothing more than a multitude of choices that we have to make.  These choices, bring about decisions, and the path that we embark on here in life.

Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth.  Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make.  There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made.  You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life.  You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of.  You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.

What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice.  Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made.  I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.

In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue.  Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine.  Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back.  What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.

No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen.  As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices.  There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face.  Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.

Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take.  Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make.  In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem"  I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process.  Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical  part of your brain.  You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of.  If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.

It is okay to feel those things and we all do.  The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made.  Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye.  When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail.  This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly.  But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.

The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for.  In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision.  That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.

We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in.  It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.

As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B.

Hate, Anger and Regret will consume you.

I was thinking about anger, hate and regrets the other day and how those three things are the formula for revenge.  Revenge is all about getting back at someone for hurting you, or having done something to you. The pitfalls of revenge can be found in literary classics like "Moby Dick" and other such important works.  The end results are usually the same, a person becomes embroiled and totally consumed by the intense drive and need to execute their revenge.  Revenge is pointless, you cannot change the past, and in most cases more hurt is inflicted upon yourself then the person you target.  In my blog entry entitled "So What, Who Cares, Get Over it and Move on" I talk about grudges, and revenge is a grudge that has grown out of control and has become an obsession.

It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it?  The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt.  Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person.  Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.

I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions.  Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person.  When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy.  In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair.  After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain.  Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.

If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void?  Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding?  No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression.  Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste.  You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late.  Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken.  Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?

In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned.  Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done.  You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you.  See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for.  What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.

Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt.  Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from.  Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start.  It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said.  You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.

Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions.  Try to figure out what their agenda is.  Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog.  These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt.  To them you are just an end to the means.  If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.

It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good.  Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions.  They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.

Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours.  But, guess what you are better than them.  You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them.  So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go.  They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over.  Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you.  Because you know what how they act and operate.  So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".  

While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that.  Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt.  My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it.  So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory.  The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account."  Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way.  Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all.  If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up.  There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike.  I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them.  But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did.  Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it.  It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.

Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world.  Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first.  Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge.  Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do.  Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through.  Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Coming out a tale of fear...

Something has been telling me that this is a topic I need to talk about.  One of the things I pride myself on is the ability to take complex concepts and write about them in such a way that anyone who reads about it can understand the topics.  I try hard to break down these topics to make sure that the most people can benefit by what I write about.  For the LGBT community the largest fear is often the fear of being found out about their sexual preference by friends and family.  Coming out is probably a young gay persons biggest nightmare and fear that they have to face. The art of deception is practiced and they become experts at hiding their true selves from family, friends, co-workers and peers.

In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone.  In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing.  It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with.  Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.

It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves.  Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them.  They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings.  Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians.  It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay.  As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual.  Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual.  Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.


Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread.  Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something.  At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase.  Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event.  When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week.  At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage. 


I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out.  There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends.  The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around.  You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you.  You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you.  Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived.  I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you.  I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are.  There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.

Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone.  These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way.  But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be.  The first response is going to be denial.  For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk  about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt.  The second phase is Anger,  now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward.  Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation.  Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure.  The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this.  Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of.  But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down.   The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it.  But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through.  Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.

You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is.  Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are.  Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy.  I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you.  Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety.  Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you.  Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last.  Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to.  When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's.  Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world.  Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day.  I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.

I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it.  Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling.  Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often.  Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight".  As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick.  Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above.  Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.

I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry.  This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition.  I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future.  It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them.  I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition.  What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.

Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way.  In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life.  The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda.  So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway.  Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of.  Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth.  Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.

I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up.  These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are.  They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life.  Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone.  But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved.  Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.

Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out.  It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret.  I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else.  Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents.  Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents.  Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother.  However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie.  I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well.  How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life.  I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.

For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could.  Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it.  Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become.  Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this.  I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died.  It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went.  My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him.  My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick."  Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly.  She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.

Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true.  Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back.  Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children.  My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy.  Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes.  His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years.  He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him.  We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family.  But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged.  Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.

I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him.  He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay.  He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past.  He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone.  To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love.   When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around.  It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.


Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting.  But it can drive you to  be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it.  When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts.  I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay.  Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners.  Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't.  If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.


No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out.  Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.  


It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you.  Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved.  But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move.  Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it.  There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process.  Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.


As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B