Have you ever done something that hurt someone else but you didn't mean for it too?

I am sure we all have done something at one point in our lives or another that has hurt another individual but that wasn't the original intention behind the action.  So what do you do to make the situation better?  Honestly there may not be anything that you can do. The damage is done, the person's feeling are hurt, they feel betrayed, and their fragile trust has been injured or possibly even broken.  So how do you proceed and act?  The simple answer here is you might have to abide by their wishes and take a break from them and the situation for a little while. Give them a chance for the wounds to heal before you try and approach them again.  Because no matter what you do or say to mend the situation may just probably end up making it a lot worse.  I am sure that we have addressed something along these lines before.  Remember when a person is feeling hurt and vulnerable nothing you say or can do is ever going to be heard by that person. They are so focused on the pain of the incident that the extraneous information you are trying to rationalize or justify the action with is lost totally on them and they don't care. All they feel is the slight and hurt that has wounded them.

In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation.  However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally.  They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident.  Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms.  We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road.  Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times.  Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.

I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you.  As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal.  Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow.  So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened.  Time is the only true cure that can help someone.  Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.

Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time.  Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not.  They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them.  When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe.  You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too.  But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through.  Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt.  Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual.  Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.

Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended .  No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends.  Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint.  Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend.  Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends.  No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.

Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.

Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever.  Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall.  But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up.  Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

HIV + Not a death Sentence anymore

As I sat down to write about this subject this morning I thought about coming at this from a historical viewpoint and going over the treatments of the 80's and 90's to that of today. But the fact of the matter is in hindsight it is unfair to compare those times to now, because back in the early 80's doctor's didn't know or understand what they were fighting and trying to treat.  As time went on and a greater understanding was reached by the healthcare industry and researchers new and better treatments were created.  My own doctor confided in me just last week that the only regret he has in his entire medical profession was how he treated early patients with HIV and AIDS because he said he probably killed more than he helped.  It is a sobering thought to look back at those times and wonder if the treatments killed my friends or the actual disease itself.  I have been luckier than most I got infected later in my life, I was already in my late 30's (37 years old in fact) when I was diagnosed.  I lost some very close friends who were in their 20's back in the 80's and 90's.  It seemed to me that I found out someone was diagnosed and the next thing I knew I was going to a funeral a couple months later.  The disease sure took it toll and I think a lot of us can relate to the horror and death that our friends and loved ones went through.

Now, almost 20 years has passed since the disease was thrust upon the world by the acknowledgement of Ronald Reagan that his long time friend Rock Hudson had the disease and money was funneled into research and development for a cure, the newly formed CDC at the head trying to get a handle on the breadth and scope of this thing that until this time was know as the "Gay Cancer" or some other nomenclature that made it out to seem like this disease was solely the responsibility of the gay community. However, it didn't take very long for the disease to propagate and migrate to any sexual oriented group.  It was no longer contained in the Gay World, it became the world's problem.  But I digress here with that brief history side note.  What I am trying to say is this that with the changing times and the mounting numbers of infection, new treatments and research were fueled and encouraged at every level of our society.  Though some of the fervor has died down a little there is still a driving need for new research and treatment options still today.  Pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new drugs every couple of months.

Research has made it possible for an individual who has been infected with HIV to live a relatively normal life for up to 30 maybe even 40 years now versus the standard 10 years that was given to newly infected people in the late 90's.  But here is where I want to encourage you if you are infected to become proactive in your healthcare and treatment options, talk to your infectious disease doctors get involved with your treatment, learn the side affects of your cocktail.  Be active in your participation of your health because you know your body better than anyone else and will know when something isn't going right.  By staying up on you health and being active in your treatment plan you and your doctor can work together to put together an appropriate regimen of exercise and nutrition that will help keep you undetectable and your t-cells high.

Any indication that you might display needs to be taken to your doctor immediately.  I will give you a good example of why in a minute. I would also like to put out a word of warning for those of you who like to party and experiment and utilize recreation drugs.  Be aware that your recreational drug use might hide or mask some of the counter indications you might be having to your retro-viral treatments. In other words you may not even realize you are having problems until it is too late.  Here is my story, as you are well aware if you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I had a long term addiction to Methamphetamine, which started way before I was ever diagnosed with HIV.  I originally started smoking it and within a few years had moved to shooting it, which believe it or not is how I got HIV, my syringe got mixed up with my ex and he was positive and I wasn't and there it was I got infected. Now, because of my addiction and the amount of meth I was doing, I wasn't aware that the Atripla the drug I was given to fight my HIV was doing anything to my body.  See meth has a tendency to dehydrate you and that of course affects the kidneys well Atripla also is hard on the kidneys and the doctors should be monitoring your kidney functions while you are taking it.  The problem came into play when I didn't admit to my doctor about my recreational drug use, the kidney levels were always off when I was tested.  It wasn't until I got kidney stones that I realized that I had problems.  Now another word of caution, when kidney stones form for a person using meth they are almost indestructible have a smooth edge and a jagged edge and can easily get stuck inside.  So be careful when mixing your recreational drugs with your HIV cocktail because you could end up with some really adverse conditions.  Also be aware of the side effects of your HIV regimen because they might affect certain organs like the kidney's.  Or you might be like me and be allergic to a component of your drugs and not even be aware of it. See my viral load was undetectable and my t-cell count was in the 600's so I had no idea with my meth usage that I was allergic to the ritonivir component which is the base of Atripla and my kidney function was being compromised by the actual drug and the recreational usage as well.  I went through catastrophic renal failure several times and let me tell you that it is painful.

My point in all of this is if you are an active participant in your treatment and are working with your doctors and get tested regularly you will notice any changes in your health and behavior before they can do permanent damage to your system if something goes wrong.  In October of 2011 when the kidney stones formed I was totally unaware of my allergy to the ritonivir, I was taken off my Atripla regimen right away to stop the progression of renal disease, however, I continued to party and do the meth, so my kidney function never stabilized.  When I came to Florida and I had given up the meth and wanted to go back on the antivirals and the retroviral medication for my HIV, the VA doctors looked at the kidney function and decided to test and see which components were making my kidneys worse.  That is when it was discovered that I was allergic to the base component of Atripla, so I was taken off any type of medication that might have ritonivir in it.  Happily I can report that my kidney functions have returned to normal and I am a-okay! My viral load is back to undetectable and my t-cell count is climbing back up.  I am back in the 390's where I was down to 289 at one point.

It has been 6 years with HIV and not one HIV related illness.  I have been told that under the current regimen that I am following that I can expect at least 30 more years of continued good health. I do take a daily multivitamin and I eat right.  I get myself tested every 90 days to see what my viral load and t-cell count is, and I am an active participant in my healthcare plan.  I talk to my doctors and my infectious disease doctors regularly and I keep them all apprised of what the other is doing.  I let each one know if there are any changes in my medicines or medical history that they need to be aware of.  I also have the advantage that I was diagnosed with Large Cell Lymphoma back in 1992 and became very intimate with all the details of my body. So when I got sick with HIV I was already familiar with my body and knew when things felt awry.

I would encourage you to speak candidly with your doctors let them know what you are doing even the stuff you do for recreation purposes, it just might make the difference in your health.   So again, be proactive in your treatment plan and healthcare and let the doctors know when something isn't feeling right it might give them the edge they need to fix a problem before it becomes worse. Don't be afraid to speak up if you think something isn't going right with you.  Stay on top of your situation, get tested regularly and be the main part of your healthcare plan.  Because it is you who will make the difference in the long run. Remember even though you have been diagnosed with HIV you still have a long life ahead of you and make every effort to get every year out of it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B