Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past, as my birthday neared, I took the time to stop and wonder what if? What might have been? What would be different? Plus a whole host of other questions that we are not supposed to ask ourselves. It has been my experience that the more we look back and ask these questions, the further it takes us from moving forward to the next phase of our lives. But sometimes circumstances arise that cause us to look at the past from a different perspective, see things a bit differently. See it is my contention that one reason why people tend to hold on to the past so tightly is because they glamorize what had happened, time and distance have lessened the pain, and we look backward with fondness. This makes it that much harder to accept the present, and the hardships that we are facing currently. We see that our problems are insurmountable and that we can't possibly over come them. It is our past that keeps us firmly rooted in place. The future is hard to imagine and if we can't see past our present problems how do we think that we can ever make it through to the future. Honestly, it is that type of thinking that will lead you back to the What if's, the Could have been's and all the other questions.
Each of us has had relationships in the past, but for some reason we have a tendency to compare our current relationship to those that have come before it. As I said we glamorize it and make it out to be better than it was. What we must keep in mind is that no two individuals are ever alike, and that in similar circumstances those same two people are going to react and handle the situation in a totally different manner. Now, what some of you may not realize, is that by constantly comparing your current to the past, it is keeping you from accepting the new relationship as it is being presented to you and you are alienating your current from committing to you, because they don't honestly think that they can compete or compare to your ex. So what tends to happen is that you end up pushing that person away, they are disillusioned from constantly hearing about your past and how perfect your relationship was. When the truth of the matter is that if your relationship from the past was so great then answer me this, why aren't you still with that person in the first place. What you have to remember is that the problems you faced and caused you to break up are still there, they haven't changed or gone away, you just don't feel the intense emotional and physical pain that you did when you were with that person.
I am sure some of you have found that out. You have gone back to the ex, and had expected that the person and the situation had changed, but the truth of the matter was the original reason why you two broke up is still there and will come back. All those petty annoyances that if taken individually would be acceptable, but when added together become something altogether different. See, each of those petty annoyances added together become a huge problem and you find that you cannot overcome it. Therefore the relationship once again suffers and you end up breaking up all over again. But what about the one that you didn't give the chance too? The one that you pushed away with your constant comparisons? What about him or her? Are you willing to go back and admit that you were wrong, that you were sorry that you didn't give them a chance or do you just walk away and try all over again? If you are like me in most cases you would walk away and try again, but what if you find out that the one that you let go, is the one that you really want, that they are the perfect compliment to you? What would you do then? Well, again, if you are like me you would do anything in your power to try and get back the one that got away.
Sometimes that isn't possible, sometimes there are circumstances and situations that are beyond your control. Other times it may not be the right time for the two of your to be together, so you have to wait. I have told one of my ex's that our story is not yet over, and I mean that with all of my heart. I think that somewhere in the future there is going to be a perfect time and place that is meant for just us and in that moment we will be united and get back together. Though as I have grown and matured, I have started to doubt that! We had our moment, and though there is some connection still between us and feelings that have not yet been resolved, we have proved that we can be great friends. See it has been a long while since we were together, and we did spend three years as a couple and during that time we both made some very bad mistakes, but at the end of it all we have come back together as friends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I still love and care for him, I just am not sure that we will ever get back together. See, God has a funny way of making things like this work out in our daily lives. What if when I told him that our story wasn't finished, meant that the rest of our story was to be as best friends versus lovers? See, whatever the case maybe he has moved on and so have I.
I am not sure what the future holds for us right now, he is very ill and so am I. So does that mean that one day we are destined to be together again as boyfriends and lovers? Or does it mean that we are going to always be close friends and care about each other till the day we die? I can't answer those questions, but I do know that no matter what happens in my life or where I go from here, he will always be a part of me. The time that we spent together cannot be replaced by anyone and no one can take away the memories and adventures that we faced and overcame together. So what does this mean for my current relationship? Well, it means that I am not going to change anything, or spare my feelings, that I am not going to compare the two together because they are totally different. But it also means is that if my current and my ex can't get along then maybe they need to come to some sort of compromise for my sake. See the person that I am with now, was the person that I let get away from me once in the past, and though my feelings for him are very strong, I am beginning to understand that the person that I once knew may not be the person I am with today. See, just as I have grown and matured so has he, and the changes have been dramatic.
I cannot see the future, I do not pretend to know the Mind of God, and I wouldn't want to even if I could know. See, half of the fun of a relationship is the melding of the two individuals into a whole unit, it is the discovery and getting to know one another in a more intimate level that adds mystery and suspense to the equation and keeps us wanting to explore and learn more. Now, if at the end of my discovery phase I find that I cannot accept all of the things my partner does, I will at least have formed a lasting bond that will last till the end of my days. See, I know that I love the person I am with, but I also know that there are somethings that he does and has done that are not to my liking or taste, and if I am wanting to be with him, I have to come to grips with that and accept them as face value or I have to walk away. Believe it or not I am not sure which takes the stronger person, to accept, or walk away. What I do know is that as you grow and mature, and so do they, if your progress isn't on the same lines, then you might have to walk away, I wouldn't want you to compromise your morals or scruples just to stay with someone.
Now with that being said let me talk a little more about why I started mulling over the past as my birthday approached. See, it has become evident that though the partner I am with has told me the words, and has made promises, I am not 100 percent sure that he is keeping them or his promises. See, I know how hard it is to break free from addiction and a certain phone conversation brought home the point to me very well. He isn't at the same point I am emotionally or physically, he is still wanting to reach back into the past and do what we had promised each other we wouldn't. Now this is frightening to me, because he told me that he was past all of that, that he wasn't sleeping with others or doing drugs and here I find out that he might be anyway. His family certainly seems to think so, and then there are the days that go by when I can't reach him on the phone, his refusal to let anyone know that he is with me or dating me. On the list goes. See with my ex it was never an issue, he had no problem letting others know that we were together, and there really were no secrets between us, and I am afraid that I have walked right into a trap. That the cute words, the platitudes of love, are just that. So maybe the one that I let get away should have stayed away.
But the real reason why I have been thinking about those questions and words, is because I am getting older, I am no longer going to find it easy to find someone that can and will accept me with my limitations and physical deformities. Life just isn't as fair as it should be when it comes to love and relationships in the gay community. So, what if what I think is a relationship is nothing more than someone playing on my insecurities, and here I have taken what was said at face value and plunged right in headfirst. I have told you before that we truly never really know what is going on in the minds of others and that there is no way we can read their thoughts and know what is actually going on. So what I have been doing is looking at the past relationship that I was comfortable with that ended because of circumstances beyond my control and the one that I am currently in. I am doing what I told you not to do. I am comparing them, and trying to see if there is a pattern here that I should be aware of. Amazingly, I have to stick with my original assessment, though I love my ex very much, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance that him and I will get back together, and though I know that my current is out there doing whatever it is that he is doing, I have to trust that he is not lying to me and feeding me a bunch of lies to get to his own end.
So do me and yourself a favor, take the chance and the risk of going back after the one that you let get away. Who knows you may find yourself in a loving and productive relationship that makes you feel secure and safe. You owe it to yourself to take the chance, find out once and for all. Because you want to know something, whatever is lost can be found again and that also includes love! So, if like me you are going through it and aren't sure what the outcome is going to be, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you gave it a try and if it works great and if it doesn't "Oh Well" life goes on and you can try it again. Keep in mind that when you do go back, and if you cannot get past those things that caused you to break up in the first place that your relationship is going to be doomed to fail just as it did before. However, if you are truly willing to work and come to concessions and compromise on those things, maybe coming back together isn't so impossible after all. But you do owe it to yourself to see if the one that you let get away wasn't the one you were supposed to be with. You might just be surprised, they could be the one, or prove to you that the one in your past was the one. Only you can decide.
Now if you have gotten through all of this you might see the pattern of my thoughts as they emerged in this writing. See, my thoughts are cyclical here. I started out with my thought, went to the one that got away and eventually came back to the one that you left. So what is the right answer, only you can tell, but if you don't try you will never know for sure and those doubts might come back to bite you one day. I know that Sterling and I will always be friends, and I know by now that he knows where he stands in my heart and my life. But I also know that I am willing to give Kerry a chance and see what turns out to be the future, either he is telling the truth and really wants to be with me or he doesn't and time will be the deciding factor in this.
I keep telling you that time is short and you never know where you are going to end up or how much time you are going to have. So you owe it to yourself to try and find love, and be happy. You are the only one with the power to make you happy, so explore every relationship and learn, live and experience. Because when you finally do find your soul-mate you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label partnership. Show all posts
Showing posts with label partnership. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment
As many of you know I have embarked on a new adventure in my life. I have flung away my past, changed my venue and pretty much all of my friends. Moving to a place where I knew absolutely nobody, an hour and a half from where I grew up. Challenges have presented themselves with my health, yet I took initiative and decided to change my fate on Friday 13th, also known as Freaky Friday, a day that legend states one can revers ones fortunes. Some of you maybe away that my relationship status changed a few weeks ago from single to it's complicated. You may have seen my entry on "Gay Relationships and long-distance". Some of you might have guessed that entry and several others have been this change. Parts of the story have to remain a mystery for just a little while longer yet. However, there are a few things I can take the liberty of discussing with you! It is not my normal style not to offer full disclosure of events, as you are probably well aware from reading my blog. But in the interest of mutual agreement we have decided to go this route. I feel obligated to assuage some or ya'll's fear by giving you a general background on the situation and what our plans entail. But as with all things his is a dynamic, a work in progress, and subject to change without notice. So without further ado I shall explain.
This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all. A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it. If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected. But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right. Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then. It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now. You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other. Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well. Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle. Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple. Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him. Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach. They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.
I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here. On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over. Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened. My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care. I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good. That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on. One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well. He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me. Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now. My prognosis is perfect health. Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!
Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened. Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too. He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012. I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect. But I know that nothing ever is. I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at? A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other. We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...
How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in? Hence the need for my social experiment!
We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct. Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers. But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes. Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted. First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment. A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment. External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area. Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit. A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units. Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando. Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there. There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily. Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.
I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment. There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment. Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all. A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it. If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected. But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right. Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then. It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now. You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other. Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well. Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle. Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple. Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him. Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach. They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.
I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here. On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over. Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened. My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care. I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good. That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on. One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well. He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me. Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now. My prognosis is perfect health. Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!
Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened. Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too. He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012. I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect. But I know that nothing ever is. I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at? A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other. We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...
How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in? Hence the need for my social experiment!
We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct. Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers. But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes. Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted. First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment. A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment. External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area. Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit. A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units. Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando. Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there. There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily. Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.
I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment. There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment. Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Gay Relationship are hard enough add distance to it and you got a mess
Now for those of my readers who are gay, you know that I am serious when I say that gay relationships are hard as it is. But, when you add a long distance romance into the mix you can imagine how difficult that can be. You often wonder what is happening on the other end. Mainly because you feel dissociated, that personal connection you have with your partner is strained to the max. Further, you have to have absolute trust in your partner. Even the slightest doubt can cause major insecurities to blossom. Further, as the miles and distance are major factors, you may also find yourselves faced with different time zones and other such impediments that at home relationships don't have to face.
There is also the longing and loneliness that you have to contend with, there is a yearning to be with that person and though it is impossible you try to think up ways of keeping the communication lines open. You may try video chatting, messaging on Facebook, texting via cellphone, calling and a myriad of other methods to try to whittle the distance down. I speak from personal experience, I am on a different time zone from my partner, and because of his medical condition and career, we are often unable to communicate. It kills me when I don't hear from him for days on end. I found out today that the reason why I haven't heard from him since Saturday was because he is sick and in a lot of pain.
The good thing about my relationship is that I don't have to worry about him cheating, because we have already been down that road. We have had are party days and fooled around with a lot of people. I know for me that my health will not allow me to do that anymore, even if I wanted too. Further, I know that he isn't interested in anyone other than me. We both have been through an abusive relationship and won't tolerate letting ourselves get back into that type of situation. Plus, our time together has made us stronger. We talk about everything and every decision. This is the key to any type of relationship. As I have said before in my article about how to make any relationship work, you have to be flexible and have open lines of communication. It is imperative that everything you do that affects your life you share with those you love and care about. What I would love to tell you that as with pain and hurt that time makes it easier. But the truth is that in a long distance relationship time makes it harder to deal with. More and more feelings of dissociation and loneliness creep in.
I would ask you to ask yourself what could you do to bring the too of you closer, and I would challenge you to try and make it happen. Make yourself and your partner happy, close the distance and start over, because I am going to tell you that if you are separated any length of time you are going to have to start over, relearn everything about each other. In doing so you need to keep an open mind and be flexible to change. As in my case I know that illness is what ended up separating us, and it is what is going to pull us back together. I know we have discussed me coming to where he is at, and then again we have talked about him coming to where I am at. Which ever way it finally works out is going to be a blessing, because the truth of the matter is we really need each other. We feed off each other and we are actually the opposite of one another. In other words if we were a circle we would each be a half and when combined we would be a whole.
I have been feeling so lost and alone because I feel like a big part of me is missing. I had fantasies of others and thought that I would explore other options, until the day that my partner and I finally started comparing notes and we realized that we really did love each other and didn't want to have anyone else our lives. I am so very glad that he is in my life. Even though we left Atlanta last year each of us going in separate directions we never truly ended the relationships that we had. So we decided that we were going to build on it and make it work even over the distances that separate us.
My hope is that if you are in a relationship, whether straight or gay, that you keep an open line of communication and endeavor to keep an open mind, stay flexible and open to change. This will make being in a relationship that much easier. Be willing to give 100 percent of yourself and demand a 100 percent in return. Keep in mind that you have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect...remember that in true love you accept the other person for who they are, all of them as a whole. A complete package, the good the bad and the indifferent. Long distance relationships are even tougher, but again I think that the key is talking and having an open communication line.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
There is also the longing and loneliness that you have to contend with, there is a yearning to be with that person and though it is impossible you try to think up ways of keeping the communication lines open. You may try video chatting, messaging on Facebook, texting via cellphone, calling and a myriad of other methods to try to whittle the distance down. I speak from personal experience, I am on a different time zone from my partner, and because of his medical condition and career, we are often unable to communicate. It kills me when I don't hear from him for days on end. I found out today that the reason why I haven't heard from him since Saturday was because he is sick and in a lot of pain.
The good thing about my relationship is that I don't have to worry about him cheating, because we have already been down that road. We have had are party days and fooled around with a lot of people. I know for me that my health will not allow me to do that anymore, even if I wanted too. Further, I know that he isn't interested in anyone other than me. We both have been through an abusive relationship and won't tolerate letting ourselves get back into that type of situation. Plus, our time together has made us stronger. We talk about everything and every decision. This is the key to any type of relationship. As I have said before in my article about how to make any relationship work, you have to be flexible and have open lines of communication. It is imperative that everything you do that affects your life you share with those you love and care about. What I would love to tell you that as with pain and hurt that time makes it easier. But the truth is that in a long distance relationship time makes it harder to deal with. More and more feelings of dissociation and loneliness creep in.
I would ask you to ask yourself what could you do to bring the too of you closer, and I would challenge you to try and make it happen. Make yourself and your partner happy, close the distance and start over, because I am going to tell you that if you are separated any length of time you are going to have to start over, relearn everything about each other. In doing so you need to keep an open mind and be flexible to change. As in my case I know that illness is what ended up separating us, and it is what is going to pull us back together. I know we have discussed me coming to where he is at, and then again we have talked about him coming to where I am at. Which ever way it finally works out is going to be a blessing, because the truth of the matter is we really need each other. We feed off each other and we are actually the opposite of one another. In other words if we were a circle we would each be a half and when combined we would be a whole.
I have been feeling so lost and alone because I feel like a big part of me is missing. I had fantasies of others and thought that I would explore other options, until the day that my partner and I finally started comparing notes and we realized that we really did love each other and didn't want to have anyone else our lives. I am so very glad that he is in my life. Even though we left Atlanta last year each of us going in separate directions we never truly ended the relationships that we had. So we decided that we were going to build on it and make it work even over the distances that separate us.
My hope is that if you are in a relationship, whether straight or gay, that you keep an open line of communication and endeavor to keep an open mind, stay flexible and open to change. This will make being in a relationship that much easier. Be willing to give 100 percent of yourself and demand a 100 percent in return. Keep in mind that you have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect...remember that in true love you accept the other person for who they are, all of them as a whole. A complete package, the good the bad and the indifferent. Long distance relationships are even tougher, but again I think that the key is talking and having an open communication line.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Do you know who you are?
This morning when I woke you were the first one on my mind.
You were the last person I spoke to before I went to bed last night.
The one who has taken my heart with your words so kind.
And bathed my soul by your light.
I love your smile and eyes so full of delight,
your words of encouragement and praise,
Your passion, strength and might
which in turn causes my spirit to raise.
I have rested all my hopes and dreams upon your shoulders wide.
Knowing you have my best interests at heart.
As we walk hand in hand, side by side,
I know now that nothing can tear us apart.
Your touch Your Kiss
Is what I miss
Oh what joy what bliss
With just a touch my fears and worries you dismiss.
Do you know who you are?
You're my light and shining star.
You're everything I am not but long to be by far.
I wonder can you see who you really are?
You're my Love
Sent from Heaven Above
With grace joy and abundance of love,
that fits perfectly like a glove.
I love you!
B
You were the last person I spoke to before I went to bed last night.
The one who has taken my heart with your words so kind.
And bathed my soul by your light.
I love your smile and eyes so full of delight,
your words of encouragement and praise,
Your passion, strength and might
which in turn causes my spirit to raise.
I have rested all my hopes and dreams upon your shoulders wide.
Knowing you have my best interests at heart.
As we walk hand in hand, side by side,
I know now that nothing can tear us apart.
Your touch Your Kiss
Is what I miss
Oh what joy what bliss
With just a touch my fears and worries you dismiss.
Do you know who you are?
You're my light and shining star.
You're everything I am not but long to be by far.
I wonder can you see who you really are?
You're my Love
Sent from Heaven Above
With grace joy and abundance of love,
that fits perfectly like a glove.
I love you!
B
Saturday, August 11, 2012
HIV + Not a death Sentence anymore
As I sat down to write about this subject this morning I thought about coming at this from a historical viewpoint and going over the treatments of the 80's and 90's to that of today. But the fact of the matter is in hindsight it is unfair to compare those times to now, because back in the early 80's doctor's didn't know or understand what they were fighting and trying to treat. As time went on and a greater understanding was reached by the healthcare industry and researchers new and better treatments were created. My own doctor confided in me just last week that the only regret he has in his entire medical profession was how he treated early patients with HIV and AIDS because he said he probably killed more than he helped. It is a sobering thought to look back at those times and wonder if the treatments killed my friends or the actual disease itself. I have been luckier than most I got infected later in my life, I was already in my late 30's (37 years old in fact) when I was diagnosed. I lost some very close friends who were in their 20's back in the 80's and 90's. It seemed to me that I found out someone was diagnosed and the next thing I knew I was going to a funeral a couple months later. The disease sure took it toll and I think a lot of us can relate to the horror and death that our friends and loved ones went through.
Now, almost 20 years has passed since the disease was thrust upon the world by the acknowledgement of Ronald Reagan that his long time friend Rock Hudson had the disease and money was funneled into research and development for a cure, the newly formed CDC at the head trying to get a handle on the breadth and scope of this thing that until this time was know as the "Gay Cancer" or some other nomenclature that made it out to seem like this disease was solely the responsibility of the gay community. However, it didn't take very long for the disease to propagate and migrate to any sexual oriented group. It was no longer contained in the Gay World, it became the world's problem. But I digress here with that brief history side note. What I am trying to say is this that with the changing times and the mounting numbers of infection, new treatments and research were fueled and encouraged at every level of our society. Though some of the fervor has died down a little there is still a driving need for new research and treatment options still today. Pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new drugs every couple of months.
Research has made it possible for an individual who has been infected with HIV to live a relatively normal life for up to 30 maybe even 40 years now versus the standard 10 years that was given to newly infected people in the late 90's. But here is where I want to encourage you if you are infected to become proactive in your healthcare and treatment options, talk to your infectious disease doctors get involved with your treatment, learn the side affects of your cocktail. Be active in your participation of your health because you know your body better than anyone else and will know when something isn't going right. By staying up on you health and being active in your treatment plan you and your doctor can work together to put together an appropriate regimen of exercise and nutrition that will help keep you undetectable and your t-cells high.
Any indication that you might display needs to be taken to your doctor immediately. I will give you a good example of why in a minute. I would also like to put out a word of warning for those of you who like to party and experiment and utilize recreation drugs. Be aware that your recreational drug use might hide or mask some of the counter indications you might be having to your retro-viral treatments. In other words you may not even realize you are having problems until it is too late. Here is my story, as you are well aware if you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I had a long term addiction to Methamphetamine, which started way before I was ever diagnosed with HIV. I originally started smoking it and within a few years had moved to shooting it, which believe it or not is how I got HIV, my syringe got mixed up with my ex and he was positive and I wasn't and there it was I got infected. Now, because of my addiction and the amount of meth I was doing, I wasn't aware that the Atripla the drug I was given to fight my HIV was doing anything to my body. See meth has a tendency to dehydrate you and that of course affects the kidneys well Atripla also is hard on the kidneys and the doctors should be monitoring your kidney functions while you are taking it. The problem came into play when I didn't admit to my doctor about my recreational drug use, the kidney levels were always off when I was tested. It wasn't until I got kidney stones that I realized that I had problems. Now another word of caution, when kidney stones form for a person using meth they are almost indestructible have a smooth edge and a jagged edge and can easily get stuck inside. So be careful when mixing your recreational drugs with your HIV cocktail because you could end up with some really adverse conditions. Also be aware of the side effects of your HIV regimen because they might affect certain organs like the kidney's. Or you might be like me and be allergic to a component of your drugs and not even be aware of it. See my viral load was undetectable and my t-cell count was in the 600's so I had no idea with my meth usage that I was allergic to the ritonivir component which is the base of Atripla and my kidney function was being compromised by the actual drug and the recreational usage as well. I went through catastrophic renal failure several times and let me tell you that it is painful.
My point in all of this is if you are an active participant in your treatment and are working with your doctors and get tested regularly you will notice any changes in your health and behavior before they can do permanent damage to your system if something goes wrong. In October of 2011 when the kidney stones formed I was totally unaware of my allergy to the ritonivir, I was taken off my Atripla regimen right away to stop the progression of renal disease, however, I continued to party and do the meth, so my kidney function never stabilized. When I came to Florida and I had given up the meth and wanted to go back on the antivirals and the retroviral medication for my HIV, the VA doctors looked at the kidney function and decided to test and see which components were making my kidneys worse. That is when it was discovered that I was allergic to the base component of Atripla, so I was taken off any type of medication that might have ritonivir in it. Happily I can report that my kidney functions have returned to normal and I am a-okay! My viral load is back to undetectable and my t-cell count is climbing back up. I am back in the 390's where I was down to 289 at one point.
It has been 6 years with HIV and not one HIV related illness. I have been told that under the current regimen that I am following that I can expect at least 30 more years of continued good health. I do take a daily multivitamin and I eat right. I get myself tested every 90 days to see what my viral load and t-cell count is, and I am an active participant in my healthcare plan. I talk to my doctors and my infectious disease doctors regularly and I keep them all apprised of what the other is doing. I let each one know if there are any changes in my medicines or medical history that they need to be aware of. I also have the advantage that I was diagnosed with Large Cell Lymphoma back in 1992 and became very intimate with all the details of my body. So when I got sick with HIV I was already familiar with my body and knew when things felt awry.
I would encourage you to speak candidly with your doctors let them know what you are doing even the stuff you do for recreation purposes, it just might make the difference in your health. So again, be proactive in your treatment plan and healthcare and let the doctors know when something isn't feeling right it might give them the edge they need to fix a problem before it becomes worse. Don't be afraid to speak up if you think something isn't going right with you. Stay on top of your situation, get tested regularly and be the main part of your healthcare plan. Because it is you who will make the difference in the long run. Remember even though you have been diagnosed with HIV you still have a long life ahead of you and make every effort to get every year out of it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, almost 20 years has passed since the disease was thrust upon the world by the acknowledgement of Ronald Reagan that his long time friend Rock Hudson had the disease and money was funneled into research and development for a cure, the newly formed CDC at the head trying to get a handle on the breadth and scope of this thing that until this time was know as the "Gay Cancer" or some other nomenclature that made it out to seem like this disease was solely the responsibility of the gay community. However, it didn't take very long for the disease to propagate and migrate to any sexual oriented group. It was no longer contained in the Gay World, it became the world's problem. But I digress here with that brief history side note. What I am trying to say is this that with the changing times and the mounting numbers of infection, new treatments and research were fueled and encouraged at every level of our society. Though some of the fervor has died down a little there is still a driving need for new research and treatment options still today. Pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new drugs every couple of months.
Research has made it possible for an individual who has been infected with HIV to live a relatively normal life for up to 30 maybe even 40 years now versus the standard 10 years that was given to newly infected people in the late 90's. But here is where I want to encourage you if you are infected to become proactive in your healthcare and treatment options, talk to your infectious disease doctors get involved with your treatment, learn the side affects of your cocktail. Be active in your participation of your health because you know your body better than anyone else and will know when something isn't going right. By staying up on you health and being active in your treatment plan you and your doctor can work together to put together an appropriate regimen of exercise and nutrition that will help keep you undetectable and your t-cells high.
Any indication that you might display needs to be taken to your doctor immediately. I will give you a good example of why in a minute. I would also like to put out a word of warning for those of you who like to party and experiment and utilize recreation drugs. Be aware that your recreational drug use might hide or mask some of the counter indications you might be having to your retro-viral treatments. In other words you may not even realize you are having problems until it is too late. Here is my story, as you are well aware if you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I had a long term addiction to Methamphetamine, which started way before I was ever diagnosed with HIV. I originally started smoking it and within a few years had moved to shooting it, which believe it or not is how I got HIV, my syringe got mixed up with my ex and he was positive and I wasn't and there it was I got infected. Now, because of my addiction and the amount of meth I was doing, I wasn't aware that the Atripla the drug I was given to fight my HIV was doing anything to my body. See meth has a tendency to dehydrate you and that of course affects the kidneys well Atripla also is hard on the kidneys and the doctors should be monitoring your kidney functions while you are taking it. The problem came into play when I didn't admit to my doctor about my recreational drug use, the kidney levels were always off when I was tested. It wasn't until I got kidney stones that I realized that I had problems. Now another word of caution, when kidney stones form for a person using meth they are almost indestructible have a smooth edge and a jagged edge and can easily get stuck inside. So be careful when mixing your recreational drugs with your HIV cocktail because you could end up with some really adverse conditions. Also be aware of the side effects of your HIV regimen because they might affect certain organs like the kidney's. Or you might be like me and be allergic to a component of your drugs and not even be aware of it. See my viral load was undetectable and my t-cell count was in the 600's so I had no idea with my meth usage that I was allergic to the ritonivir component which is the base of Atripla and my kidney function was being compromised by the actual drug and the recreational usage as well. I went through catastrophic renal failure several times and let me tell you that it is painful.
My point in all of this is if you are an active participant in your treatment and are working with your doctors and get tested regularly you will notice any changes in your health and behavior before they can do permanent damage to your system if something goes wrong. In October of 2011 when the kidney stones formed I was totally unaware of my allergy to the ritonivir, I was taken off my Atripla regimen right away to stop the progression of renal disease, however, I continued to party and do the meth, so my kidney function never stabilized. When I came to Florida and I had given up the meth and wanted to go back on the antivirals and the retroviral medication for my HIV, the VA doctors looked at the kidney function and decided to test and see which components were making my kidneys worse. That is when it was discovered that I was allergic to the base component of Atripla, so I was taken off any type of medication that might have ritonivir in it. Happily I can report that my kidney functions have returned to normal and I am a-okay! My viral load is back to undetectable and my t-cell count is climbing back up. I am back in the 390's where I was down to 289 at one point.
It has been 6 years with HIV and not one HIV related illness. I have been told that under the current regimen that I am following that I can expect at least 30 more years of continued good health. I do take a daily multivitamin and I eat right. I get myself tested every 90 days to see what my viral load and t-cell count is, and I am an active participant in my healthcare plan. I talk to my doctors and my infectious disease doctors regularly and I keep them all apprised of what the other is doing. I let each one know if there are any changes in my medicines or medical history that they need to be aware of. I also have the advantage that I was diagnosed with Large Cell Lymphoma back in 1992 and became very intimate with all the details of my body. So when I got sick with HIV I was already familiar with my body and knew when things felt awry.
I would encourage you to speak candidly with your doctors let them know what you are doing even the stuff you do for recreation purposes, it just might make the difference in your health. So again, be proactive in your treatment plan and healthcare and let the doctors know when something isn't feeling right it might give them the edge they need to fix a problem before it becomes worse. Don't be afraid to speak up if you think something isn't going right with you. Stay on top of your situation, get tested regularly and be the main part of your healthcare plan. Because it is you who will make the difference in the long run. Remember even though you have been diagnosed with HIV you still have a long life ahead of you and make every effort to get every year out of it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, May 10, 2012
What are your thoughts on Gay Marriage?
So tell me what your thoughts are on Gay Marriage? Because this morning when I opened up the paper it appeared to me that the President had weighed in finally on this subject. This is a debate and an issue that has been bouncing around for years. Every party skating the issue or just giving lip service when appropriate and today's announcement seems to be doing exactly the same. The statement was issued by the President the day before he was supposed to meet with the wealthy, outspoken activists of Hollywood. A political fundraiser that became an open lottery for two lucky individuals to attend and spend an evening with the President at George Clooney's house. Anyone who wanted to attend could go online and donate 3 dollars to the presidental re-election campaign and would automatically be entered in the drawing. Now, this was a clever marketing ploy and for two very lucky individuals they will get to go. The money from everyone else will be put in the re-election fund of the president.
My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman. I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage. You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.
Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love. I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life. Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +. By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry. You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time. Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage. The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family. Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with. Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages. I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.
It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves. Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state. However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults. Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity. Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc. so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:? Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name. A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America. A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.
I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought. I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate. Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action. Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life. Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state. Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot. It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution. With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined. Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal". This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom". Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.
So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?
As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions. I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog. Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there. If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know. You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com
All My hopes,
B
Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley
My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman. I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage. You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.
Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love. I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life. Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +. By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry. You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time. Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage. The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family. Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with. Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages. I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.
It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves. Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state. However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults. Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity. Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc. so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:? Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name. A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America. A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.
I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought. I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate. Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action. Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life. Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state. Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot. It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution. With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined. Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal". This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom". Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.
So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?
As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions. I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog. Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there. If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know. You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com
All My hopes,
B
Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley
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