Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer. That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again. This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left. I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again. Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.
Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore. What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in. Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search. What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place. The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.
The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles? I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta. So I haven't been back here is such a long time. But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a . Even with assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed. I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld. Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record. This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information.
I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon. I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem. So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.
Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail. Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally. Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate. He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly. Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me. This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.
However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it. Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer. I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me. My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues. He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me. But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.
Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before. I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again. This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years". These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain. There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point. Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated.
I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else. I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open. I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether. I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him. That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me. I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.
If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time? I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time. Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.
However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has. For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape. I am not alone in this battle anymore. My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family. Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.
But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it. What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of. It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible. Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established. I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.
Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level. Let me know what your thoughts are on this.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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