Give and Take

I give and you take this is the story of my life.  Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life.  I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes.  No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider.  Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.

No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change.  Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on.  My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me.  In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them.  By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance.  I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone. 

I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do.  I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that.  With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate.  I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of.  Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them.  Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world.  They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me.  Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.

Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them.  All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do?  Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone.  Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.

Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left.  When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back.  I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place.  Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.

A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals.  It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile.  If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly.  One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart.  Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart.  But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest.  The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place.  Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering.  They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.

My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for.  It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.

I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit.  The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns.  My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results.  Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse.  Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced.  I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality.    To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories.  This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.

Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally.  I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on.  No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it.  Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by.  So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on.  Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital.  Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time.  Everything else will pass by if you just keep going. 

Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude.  Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead.  Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you.  Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way.  A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow.  Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you.  Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it.  Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something.  I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.

But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you.  Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run.  I am living proof of that

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unexpected Turn of Events

Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer.  That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again.  This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left.  I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again.  Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.

Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore.  What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in.  Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search.  What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place.  The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.

The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles?  I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta.  So I haven't been back here is such a long time.  But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a  .  Even with  assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed.  I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld.  Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record.  This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information. 

I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon.  I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem.  So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.

Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail.  Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally.  Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate.  He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly.  Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me.  This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.

However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it.  Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer.  I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me.  My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues.  He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me.  But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.

Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before.  I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again.  This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years".  These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain.  There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point.  Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated. 

I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else.  I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open.  I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether.  I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him.  That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me.  I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.

If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time?  I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time.  Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.

However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has.  For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape.  I am not alone in this battle anymore.  My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family.  Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.

But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it.  What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of.  It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible.  Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established.  I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.

Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level.  Let me know what your thoughts are on this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A fine line between love and hate

I know each of you have heard the old saying that there is a fine line between love and hate, but do you know exactly what this saying means?  I have watched a friend of mine time and time again go back to the man that disrespects, abuses, and cheats on her.  Now, I can understand her desire to keep her family together, she does have 3 children by this man.  But when the children witness the abuse that she suffers time and again. What point do you reach the point that enough is enough.  I have talked to her about her relationship and she told me that she would know when she has reached that point.

It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy.  What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away.  However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well.  What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands?  I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.

In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me.  I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me.  I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away.  I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.

In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence.  Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about.  By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up.  So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships.  I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.

I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in.  I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too.  I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet.  But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.

One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly.  The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways.  Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions.  For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible.  They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible.  Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish.   This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong  feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship.  Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son.  It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it.  Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it.  Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal.  This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.

Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler.  In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms.  Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower.  In other entries I have talked a good deal about love.  But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love.  What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating.  It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate.  If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.

Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well.  If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you.  Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional.  Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware.  I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored.  However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.

Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms.  Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices.  Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they.  Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with.  You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return.  Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself.  If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you.  Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.

Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too.  They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them.  You are important,  you are unique, and you deserve the best.

As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children.  No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.

Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy?  Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner?  If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses  and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unresolved feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment

We may have talked about this before, and if we did, I believe that it is time for a refresher.  I went to my psychiatrist this morning and we talked about quite a few items.  One was the fact that I am suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that I could use some more counseling to help me deal with the issues surrounding that.  I also expressed to her that I had a desire to work on relationships, boundaries, and better interpersonal skills, specifically in the area of being a better judge of character.

During our conversation, we discussed the importance of forgiveness, and the releasing of our inner feelings.  Because none of us is perfect and can never hope to achieve perfection, we have to settle for being just a work in progress.  I mentioned to her that I learned over the past couple of years that forgiveness isn't for the other person it is for us. It gives us a sense of closure and helps us release the feelings that we had been harboring towards that person.  Unresolved feelings that we harbor towards another can lead to resentment, anger and bitterness towards that person.  If you cannot release and let go of what was bothering you, can you honestly move forward?  Can you talk to the person civilly or will there be outburst of some sort?

I have learned over and over again that if you are wanting to change something you have to learn how to release the burdens, problems, pain and anger that might be holding you back.  It is true that we all come with baggage, but how we cope with that baggage determines our ability to move forward.  Remember that you have to let go of the past in order to move forward. Therefore, when you release the past you must release all the pent-up emotions that go with the incident. Yet, once again in order for you to achieve this you have to start with yourself.

All change must start with yourself, forgiveness starts from with-in, and if you don't release the feelings that reside in you at the same time, you could start to get bitter and develop resentment, which left unchecked could turn into hate.  Like I discussed with you in another article bottling up your emotions causes undue stress in your life,   You could blow up at the least little thing and at the wrong person. I also told you that it is impossible to move forward if we hold on to the baggage of the past.  You cannot carry anything new if you have all the old stuff hanging around you.

Let me give you a real life example of what I am trying to explain to you about moving forward. Let's say you are on a date with someone.  If you talk exclusively about your last relationship the person you on a date with probably will think that you aren't over your ex and aren't ready to move on.  See, you haven't let go, or resolved your past, and therefore you cannot move forward, your hands are  still full. Once you can find closure with the trauma of the past, you must still deal with the emotions that thinking about the issues bring up. If you don't you can never move past the place where you are at.

If you learn to let go of the small things and just focus on the big ones you might be able to successfully navigate the treacherous waters of life.  No one said that it was going to be easy, that you wouldn't have to work hard to make it through?  If you worry about every little thing that creeps up in your life you will never have the chance to move forward, and you will soon become frustrated and willing to give up and surrender, and my motto is never give up, never surrender! I also believe that we cherish and adore the things that we had to work the hardest for,

Remember that nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.  All this means is that without hard work and dedication nothing can be accomplished, because we have to put forth some type of effort in order for you to collect a return.  The formula actually works out like this mathematically effort x work = positive return.

So my dear readers, you must let go of the past to take that step forward, and you must forgive those who have done you wrong and hurt you, you must forgive yourself and gain the closure you need to move on, and release those burdens of the past so that you can receive the new blessings that are coming your way.  Remember you can't move forward with your hands full of your past deeds. Gaining the closure that you need to move on is the hardest thing in the world to achieve, however as I have found if you can forgive yourself and those around you that have caused you the pain, those cares and problems fall away like they never existed.  A feeling of total peace will come over you and you will have the strength you need to move on.

Remember always that my hopes and dreams are with you, so take care of yourself and we will see each other on the flip side.

Uncle B

Lost, Alone and Scared

Over the past few days my world has been in a constant state of flux. Meaning that nothing has been constant, everything has been in perpetual movement.  When that happens the mind looses focus and thoughts can drift impossibly far distances. Emotions which are tied to thoughts are also out of flux with the rest of your body and you withdraw from the physical.  Now to explain this is rather difficult but I think this is a possible reason why we sometimes can be in a crowd and feel all alone.  See it doesn't matter what you are going through when the mind detaches and starts roaming and grasping at straws and random thought patterns, we become un-anchored to the the world around us.  We have a tendency to wrap up in these thoughts and can't fight our way back to ground.  I described that on my Facebook page on Saturday. My emotional state was such that I was upset, angry, profoundly sad, and I couldn't tell you which way was up or down.  I felt trapped in a surreal place of existence and I couldn't quite wrap my head around reality.

Because of a promise I made I can't divulge all the details of what I am going through but I can tell you this much.  When you care and love someone and they are lost to you for whatever reason, your mind creates solutions and equations and thousands of excuses as to what is really going on.  Problem with all of these scenarios that are playing out in your head, you have no foundation or basis in which to draw from, so your thoughts become cyclical, and you go from thinking the worst to the best, and before you know it your orientation is totally screwed up.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a place of emotional discovery, where you find out that what you once thought was not reality, even though all indicators seemed to point to a fact, when you finally get up on it, you realize that you had misread them, or mislabeled them as fact when they were just feelings.  Which is the funny thing about feelings, they can feel so real that you can almost believe them as fact, when in most cases they aren't, they are just interpretations of the facts that the brain and heart can process.

I can tell you it is a terrible feeling waking up one morning and finding out that everything you once believed in was a lie, that what you thought of as fact, was just in fact illusion created by yourself to keep from facing the truth.  Trust me when I tell you that it is a hard pill to swallow.  Humans are amazing creatures, we have not only the ability to reason, but we also have the ability to feel, and when you put reason and feelings together we get a sort of mental image, problem is that feelings are not as reliable and our images are easily shattered.  When something happens in your life that causes you to doubt everything it is very hard to pull yourself back together.  See, I am not a stranger to the world of addictions and drugs. I am not a stranger to lying to myself to make myself feel better, but I have learned over the years how to come to deal with these falsehoods, and I stand before you a different person.  See I am brutally honest with myself and those around me these days, because I hate to have the feelings of being lost, alone and scared.  I would rather get the initial shock and pain over with than have to deal with it on an on-going form.  So, I gave up on trying to kid myself.

However, there comes a time when we run into individuals that aren't quite at the level that you are. You have asked them repeatedly if they care about you and love you, if they are sure that you are the one they want to be with.  If they aren't at the same place you are, the answer you might get may leave you totally wondering as to your position. See I am a firm believer that everything starts with self and works its way outward. So if you are honest and truthful with yourself you have a greater ability to accept the things that are handed to you.  Some things you wouldn't even expect that hit you with a firm foundation of reality and truth behind you, you will be able to face them and overcome them with ease.  But, every so often something comes along that blind sides you. Something that comes from an unexpected corner, a place where you weren't looking or had thought you had gotten past, and it can rip your sense of reality right out from under you.

You may not understand what I am talking about or where I am coming from with this, and that is absolutely okay.  What I want you to understand there are times when you can be lost, alone and scared and it is not of your own doing.  You can feel those feelings under many different circumstances and I am beginning to understand the amount of pressure that it can put on another person who cares about you.  See, I am beginning to understand the physical and emotional toll of my health conditions on the person that I love.  I am beginning to understand that he has to stand there and watch as my health deteriorates and it makes him feel powerless and vulnerable and angry that there is nothing he can do to make the situation for me any better.  See I can understand him feeling lost, scared and alone during these times and there is nothing I can do to ease that burden from him.  The exact same thing is true for someone doing drugs and the other one not.  The person who is sober might think that they have the power to change the other person but they don't.  You are not a god, you don't have the power to rescue someone else.  The just don't understand that they are loosing not only themselves to it, but you as well. The hardest thing is for you to watch someone circle the drain.  Somewhere you have to be the stronger person and cut them loose and let them go.

2013 is about to start and you don't want to start it off on the wrong foot. There is nothing you can do to change either of the above situations, so inevitably you are going to have to walk away.  The situation is toxic for both of you and you are going to have to cut it loose or end up dragging yourself through the proverbial gutter.  It is hard to say these things because I know that they hurt.  But as sure as I am sitting here today, I realized that some situations are just beyond our control and reasoning. There is nothing I can do to alter either of the scenarios mentioned above.  This is for you, the one that asked me the question what to do if your partner has left you and decided that the drugs are more important than you. I have to tell you a hard truth, I am familiar with the world of drugs, and the effect that they can have on someone.  You are going to have to cut the string and let them go. No matter what happens from this point you must stay strong to yourself and your convictions.  If you give in know you have lost the battle.  I know this from experience once you give in and let someone back into that world it is virtually impossible to get them back out again.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. Because I know how hard it is at this time of year to be going through this alone, but believe it or not I am in a similar situation here in Los Angeles.  I can't go into details as I said earlier, but I do totally understand your feelings of isolation, loneliness and heartbreak at what you are going through.  I sympathize with you and I too am going to have to make a tough decision and pray that God will give me the strength to make it through this with my spirit and heart still intact. I hope you understand that you are not actually giving up on the person. It is going to take more than you to break the hold of the drug that has your friend.  I would never advise someone to give up on another person.  I am not giving up on my friend, I am not supporting or condoning his behavior, but I can't watch it tear apart my relationship and my life again. So if it takes me letting him go and moving on so be it. Lord is my witness that is the last thing I want to do. But, I know I can't make him change and I am not enough of a substitute.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Anger Management isn't about getting Angry, it is how you deal with the Anger!

There are a lot of things in my life that I should get angry about, and I do for a short period of time, but then I let it go and move on. One of the things that I have learned in my life is that Anger is an emotional response to a stimuli or irritation. Anger is a natural and safety response that the body has to rid itself of either the stimuli or the irritation.  For a short period of time anger focuses the mind perception and brings sharp relief to the problem at hand.  It needs to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, at the time of occurrence or it is a wasted emotion. Anger is not a constructive emotion it is a destructive emotion, it is basically a way to destroy or get rid of something that is bothering us.  Anger is an emotion that holds us in a state where we cannot move forward, or change until the situation is resolved. It is a wasteful emotion if it isn't put to use, channeled in a direction toward making things better.

Now when people talk about anger management they are not talking about the total elimination of anger, but the correct way in which to respond to anger and put it too use.  See, if we don't properly deal with anger, it can cause eruptions at the wrong time and place, and toward the wrong person.  Which is why in earlier entries I have said to you that holding in your feelings and emotions is harmful to yourself and those around you.  Anger is a very destructive force, and if not channeled in the appropriate direction can lead to many things such as increase stress, heart rate, headaches, hypertension and irrationality.  Anger is a the trigger that brings on irate behavior, screaming, yelling, arguments and can bring on physical confrontation.

I have an ex-boyfriend who took me home to meet his mother, which is a good thing I think because he was actually the first one to ever do so on his own free will. What is funny and entertaining about the situation is that the very first things she said to me was to sit down. She looked me straight in the eye and said too me, I have two words for you when dealing with my son, Anger management and marriage counseling.  I wish, in retrospect that I had heeded that advice and had taken her seriously, because our three and a half year relationship would have probably lasted much longer and we wouldn't have had so many fights. I also realize now that our relationship wouldn't have broken down and fell apart the way it did if we would have done as she had said.  I am happy to say that today me and him are very good friends we spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of years.  He is still someone that I think about a lot and whom I call when something happens in my life.  As a matter of fact I plan on calling him this afternoon once I have finished writing this little piece.

See the trick is not to get angry, but what you say and do while you are angry that is the key to the whole thing.  If you come at someone in a threatening manner with your voice raised, and not thinking logically, they are not going to respond well to you at all.  Further, if you remember my blog entry on "It's not what you say, but how you say it that matters" you will remember that immediately when you come at someone in a threatening manner, either physically or verbally, they also immediately go into defense mode. Once a person is in that mode, there is no rational or reasoning with that person. They don't want to hear it and they are immediately watching your every move waiting for the physical attack.  In nature mammals all react to danger in pretty much the same way. See we are primed with what has been dubbed the fight or flight mechanism. It is hardwired into our brain and nervous system.  It takes over primarily when we sense or feel a threat.  When that kicks in the body and the brain go into a hypersensitive mode where everything around us becomes extremely focused.  Time has a tendency to slow down and we can see and notice the minutest detail of the situation. We are expecting and waiting for the spring or pounce from the other person.  The mind literally is under the control of this response.  Not only is the response emotional it is also very physical as well. Literally the heart accelerates, the pulse quickens the eyes dilate and adrenaline pours into the blood stream and our muscles tighten ready to respond either in fight or flight.  This hyper-acuity and sensitivity give the victim the strength and stamina for a short burst of speed and enemy to try and escape their enemy or fight and mount an effective response/retaliation to the situation.

The reason why I am telling you this, is because I want you to totally be aware and understand that anger is a natural response, it is something that can be controlled and contained though, it can even be channeled into a more productive use if you can understand how it arises.  Hopefully making it easier to address and focus in another direction.  I know it can be done because I have seen how Sterling handles his aggression and anger now.  It is totally different from the way he used to deal with it and handle it when we were together.  As a matter of fact I can still see it when he gets angry, but I also watch and see how he processes it.  He bites the words off that initially jump to his tongue, he thinks about them consciously and rephrases them before they ever leave his mouth.  Just keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.  Try it sometime and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will get a more receptive response if you come at the situation free of your temper and anger.  People will be willing to listen to you more and be open and receptive to your words. Life is all about change, it is about growing and maturing. It is also about learning how to deal with others.  How to best get your point and opinion across is to come at someone with a smile on your face. It disarms them, they aren't expecting a fight or an attack that way.  Further, by having a smile on your face, it will be in your voice as well.

Follow me on this, have you ever been on the phone and had a really bad day?  I am sure you have several times.  Do you realize that the person on the other end of the phone line can tell by the tone of your voice what type of mood that you're in?  The answer is yes my friend they can tell when you are upset, angry and when you are in a good mood and happy.  It is betrayed by your voice and the tone that you use when addressing them. The reverse is also true, once you start to really listen to who you are talking to you can pick up signs of their mood from their voice as well.  Of course it is much easier to notice these things in person because as a person gets more upset you can see a stiffening of the muscles, the eyes twitch, the tone shifts abruptly. Body language is the most effective interpreter of another persons mood as you can find.  Learn how to read it and be very wary of the subtle shifts in stance and posture those are precursors to mood change.

The whole reason my I brought you down this path about moods, anger, anger management and temper is because, there are a lot of things that can get a person angry.  How you deal with that anger is important.  As I have been trying to tell you getting angry is a natural thing and not one that should be suppressed or buried it needs to be released or channeled in a more positive direction.  It my belief that anger management should be about changing the focus, direction and channeling that energy in a more positive and constructive manner.  I could be sitting here in anger stewing right now because I lost my job yesterday, and this morning my cell phone took a nose dive into the toilet, but I am not angry about those things.  At first I was a little worried because I have taken a big step and made a major life change and then it seems like tragedy struck.  But the truth of the matter is this.  I began thinking about my situation honestly and seriously with myself, and I came up to the simple fact that there is no immediate danger or damage done by me not having a job. I get paid on Thursday, I have $363.28 coming back to me for not staying at the hotel for the last two weeks of the month.  Plus my social security check will be here right around the corner.  It might be tight for a little while and I might have to do without furniture for some time to come, but at least I am in a situation right now where I am comfortable and I won't have to struggle.  I can work on getting furniture and other things later on.  As a matter of fact I am going to call my case manager in a few minutes and see if she has any ideas where I might be able to wrangle up some donated items.

My point to all of this is I am not bitter at my situation or angry, I will survive and move on.  This minor setback really changes nothing for me. I am still the same person, I still have accomplished the goals I had set for myself and I have done of that in a record amount of time. Now it is time to focus on the next phase and the goals I want to accomplish.  I had to take the emotion out of the equation to get to a logical focus.  I had to check my words and rephrase them so that I wasn't coming across as an angry or bitter person, and because of that I am going to get through this time and situation with minimal stress and I know that the situation will get better as time moves forward.

Please keep in mind that you have to keep your anger in check, divorce your feelings from it and come at the situation and problem logically and you will succeed.  Anytime you come at a problem full of anger and venom, I am afraid you are just going to be wasting your time and energy because you are going to put everyone else on the defensive, and your side is never going to be seen or accepted.  So change the focus of your anger and come at the situation with logic and facts and you will see a greater acceptance and reward for your efforts.  You cannot change the past situation, but you can change the variables of the situation so you don't have to go through the same things again.  Managing your anger is all about that, changing the variables so that your outcome is changed.  You can turn a negative into a positive if you try hard enough.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

People are who they have always been!

I learned something valuable during my misadventures, I learned that people are not who they are during your last conversation with them, they are who they have always been throughout your entire relationship.  Things don't change just because of the heat of the moment.  They don't change because someone is angry, or sad, desperate or alone.  The person who you are talking to at that moment is the product of the emotions and situation that they find themselves in.  What remains at the end of the day is who they have always been.  You will find that anyone can say anything in the heat of the moment. They say things to hurt when they are hurt, they encourage when they see inspiration, and they are supportive when they feel supported.

The person you know is the same person, take them at their word, believe them at the moment, because what they are feeling is true for them. However, you must remember that after the moment passes, the anger has flared and the temper has died down, they are going to be the same consistent person they have always been.  There will be posturing and apologies on both parts, but in the end their strength of character will shine through.  Trust me when I tell you that the person you have always known, the person who has demonstrated time and again their unfailing and unflagging self, is going to return.  They are going to be consistent with whom they have always been.

It is my belief that people are essentially good and that circumstances and situations make them act in certain ways, sometimes there are external influences that might trigger a sort of behavior that is uncharacteristic with their altruistic nature.  One such influence is drugs, but as I said earlier when all is said and done you will see that the person you know and trust is still there behind the mask of anger and drug induced haze. My friends in Atlanta reacted to my situation with sympathy and compassion in almost all cases, except for the one person who thought that I was so much more than what they were seeing.  It is true that I am a person of integrity and self-confidence, however, even the most dire circumstances are enough to make one question their beliefs and integrity.

I am guilty of feeling sorry for myself and indulging in a serious case of self pity.  However, I do realize that the battle that was going on inside of my mind was evident to all those around me, and when my doubts surfaced, I realized that I had shown my own weakness. In the long run it was their faith in me and the strength they lent me that made it possible for me to  carry on.  The last words that were spoken between me and my friend Tony were less than pleasant and that I took them seriously too heart at the moment they were spoken.  I have since re-evaluated my situation and the words that were spoken, I have come to realize that I shouldn't have put so much stock into what was said as I should have the person who was speaking them.  I now know the difference and I know that he was hurting as much as I was at the moment the words were said. I do know that Tony is the same person today, as He was the day I met him and will continue to be the same person, that the words that were spoken have different meaning to me today, as they did that day I left.

So don't judge too harshly what was spoken to you, remember who has said them, remember who they have been throughout your whole relationship and you will see the person that has always been there.  I hope you understand what this simple lesson has taught me and what I have learned. Trust your friends and they will be there for you when you need them.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Love: CURSE VS. BLESSING

My friend Jaime McNeal from Facebook broached a topic with me the other night. He wanted me to explore my thoughts on Love as a curse.  Now, I wrote an entry last night juggling the thought is Love a Blessing or a Curse.  But that wasn't precisely what Jaime meant so today I decided to rework the concept and do a compare and contrast between the two aspects of what we call Love.  So this is going to be Curse vs. Blessing and we shall see what we come up with.

Curse: 

In the broadest sense of the word, Love can blind you to the machinations of others.  So if they don't have your best interests at heart they can use your feelings against you. Love binds us to others, and it can rob us of our identity if it is mishandled and used as a weapon.  You must be careful who you give your heart and love to, it is a commodity that can be greatly misused and turned against you.

Now when you meet someone for the first time, you are exposed to the facade they present to the world or their public face or mask.  It is only after time that we begin to see the real person hiding inside.  You may wonder why some people seem to change over time, well it isn't that they really have changed they are still the same person, you are just seeing more of them than they had originally shown.  In my heart I don't believe anyone ever intentionally plans to enter into a relationship with malicious intent, unless they are a psychopath to begin with.

There is a honeymoon period when you meet someone, that is the time period that begins when you first meet and start to come together as a couple. It is that grace period where the hidden person has yet to be revealed. This period of time can last up too perhaps a year.  Love is a journey, it is not something that just boom happens and you are there, and neither are the subtle approaches of mental abuse.  It is a gradual increase of criticisms and slight of words, that are aimed at wounding you, they are used in the heat of an argument, as I have said before word wounds may never heal properly, because they fester and infect long after they have been said.

Do we ever really know the real person?  I am not sure we do unless they are 100 percent honest with you, and trust me those types of people are few and far between.  It is time that becomes the great equalizer.  It is over time that you begin to see patterns develop.  People live by patterns, they are our routines, and habits, and if you are observant you can start to read them.  If the relationship starts to become over bearing, or you start to loose your sense of identity, then I think you will agree that love is a curse.  If your relationship is co-dependent and you have no individual independence then I would say  again that love is a curse.  The same aspects that can make love a blessing are surely the same that make it a curse as well.  But there are subtle differences and nuances that you have to be aware of and look for.  See Love is kind, caring, compassionate, long suffering, patient, enduring, blind to the faults of others, and when you are in the midst of it you can't seem to think rationally, and at times you don't even recognize what is happening because it is so subtle and slow that one day you wake up and wonder how you got to the place you are at, and why the hell are you still with the same person who has been putting you down for years and criticizing you, who has been so jealous and demeaning that none of your friends want to be around.  The same person who had decided that you weren't enough for them any more and decided to step out and fool around with someone else.  The same one that brought home a disease and passed on to you, because they were callused and careless and honestly never truly gave you a second thought. See in relationships the person who has the least invested physically, emotionally is ultimately the one with all the power over it.

Look for the signs that go along with the co-dependency, the controlling and violent tempers.  Because before you know it you start making excuses for their behavior, you rationalize to yourself that you guys have just hit a rough patch, or your partner is just under a lot of pressure, or a thousand other reasons.  Let me tell you something, it truly isn't going to get any better and if you stay, the mental abuse, the put downs, and snide comments, as well as the heated arguments are going to increase, and one day, before you know those same things have turned into physical abuse.  I have to tell you I have been down that road, and stayed there for far too long.  Sometimes it is easier to make the excuses, cling to the past, and hope that something might change. There will come a time and a place when you realize that it never is going to happen, that you have been wishing on smoke.  That enough is enough and you are going to have to leave.  Don't fall for their lies and cries that they will change and that it will never happen again, because it is Bullshit, they are not going to change, it isn't going to get any better, somewhere along the way the relationship got sidetracked and it has come too far to turn around now.  No one has the right to lay a hand on another person.  Pay attention to what is said when you are arguing, because you will find out that those are the true feelings of the person, and the resentments and disillusionment that they have been harboring.  Listen closely, and when you hear them you should know that it is time to go and move on because life isn't going to get any better, it is just going to get worse.

Ultimately, when someone really loves you and you have gotten to know them truly, then it will be a blessing...

Blessing:

Love is kind, enduring, never boastful or proud, compassionate, caring, patient, long suffering and the list goes on.  But what is love really? Love is a combination of intense attraction mixed with emotional and physical ties, that bind two people together.  Love is a seed that is planted and if nurtured correctly, and tended to can grow and bloom into something spectacular.  Love is easy going, never forceful, it is accepting, and takes time to grow and develop. It is a journey of discovery and growth, between two people, the catch is that there has to be open and honest line of communication with each other for it to work.  There has to be a base of friendship and mutual trust and understanding.  Problems arise when people try to move things along too quickly, they don't let it mature and grow at it's own speed.

For those of you that know me I have gone into great detail in the past about my previous relationships.  I have been in several long term relationships, and I have come to the conclusion that the way to make it work out is that you honestly must be open minded. You have to be willing to try new things, experiment, think outside the box, you have to keep it interesting and alive.  I believe that along with Love comes responsibilities, that must be taken on by both parties. It is a fluid, a moving and growing thing that is never constant, change is part of what a relationship is all about.  Remember that it is a journey that we are on, and love is apart of that journey.

Flexibility, honesty, and compromise are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and the development of love. If you truly love someone and they love you, things feel so easy, you fit together, there is no struggle.  You feed into each others wants, needs and desires. Your goals are intertwined to take you to the next level. You are accepting and you don't feel jealousy or envy, because you already know in your heart that they are yours.  Love is a two way street and it is something that is felt and if you aren't getting back as much as you are giving out then I think you might need to consider bailing out and looking elsewhere.

A long time ago I wrote this abstract on love.  I am going to reprint it here hopefully this helps you understand what it is supposed to feel like:
Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish.

As you have read this I hope you can see that Love is both a blessing and a curse depending on how it is manipulated and used.  Think of it as a coin, on one side you have blessing and on the other curse.  How you handle it and perceive it is what is going to make the difference.  

Jaime, this is for you buddy, I hope it points you in the direction you are looking for.  I have to tell you thank you for the topic, because from the original entry I wrote, I have a new topic for tomorrow.  "Why are gay relationships so transitory?" 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You know it is alright to agree to disagree.

I am sure that you have heard somewhere before in your life that everyone has an opinion and they are entitled to it.  I have been following a lively debate on Google + over Chick-fil-A, and trust me my opinion hasn't changed at all.  It is alright to agree to disagree with someone over their differing opinion.  Who is to say that you are right or they are wrong or vice-versa.  See, in this country everyone has a right to say what their opinion is, regardless of who it hurts or is insulted by it.  But that is okay because you have the right to voice your objections just as strongly.  Where the problem comes in if one person is so opinionated that they try to force their beliefs on everyone around them.

It is true that everyone has an opinion, it is further true that sometimes those opinions should be unspoken to the general public, but hey who am I too say?  Sometimes a remark can come off as derogatory or even inflammatory, so be careful how you state your case.  I am not saying that you should hold in your opinion, unless of course it will get you killed.  Like telling the gunman that he is a bully and you aren't going to give him your money. I don't think anyone would do that anyway.  I am just recommending that if you have something negative to say couch it in a way where people aren't necessarily going to be offended by it.

One of my defense mechanisms is that I make jokes about people when they do something that bothers me.  Most of the time the person I am directing it at has no clue that I am annoyed, and it takes them awhile to figure out that the joke was meant to get them to stop whatever it is.  People that have known me for years can tell right off when it is getting bad, and usually try to warn the person off. Because if they don't get it the first or second time, shame on them because when I get to the point I can't stand it anymore I go off like a cannon and I usually tear them apart. Verbally that is, in the gay world they call it reading someone.

Anyhow, there are some people that disagree with some of the things that I write, and that is okay because I expect them too.  The purpose of me writing these things is to stir up conversation and to get people to think about the things that are going on around them.  I don't care if people see it my way or not. Because at the end of the day the only opinion that matters to me is my own.  So yes, I have perfected the right to agree to disagree, because I think it is healthy to talk about things and discuss them, because maybe in the long run both of us are wrong, but unless we explore and talk about it how will we ever know.

So the next time someone says something that catches you off guard, and makes you immediately think "No you are wrong about this", stop a minute don't say anything, listen to their opinion and in a kind manner explain your position.  Again, the point is this will save you from an argument, which trust me most of the time they are pointless.  Arguments are hard to win because it is almost impossible to persuade someone that what they think is wrong.  I am just saying. I have been there and I am one that likes to argue just for arguments sake really. I don't care if I am right or wrong, with some people I automatically take the opposite side, just because I can.  There are times when I like to play devil's advocate and chose to word my opinion differently than someone else's and if they aren't quick enough they start to argue, and all I have done is repeat what they have said back to them slightly different, and guess what, an argument breaks out.  Until I point out that I agree with them and just had been twisting it around so they couldn't understand it.  I know that is mean but it can be a lot of fun.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, your opinion is neither right nor wrong, it is just your interpretation of something is. Another person's opinion is also neither right or wrong, it is just how they see something.  Take the time to fully listen to the other person, don't interrupt or cut them off (because you know that is so annoying to have someone start talking right over what you are saying). Of course I have been known to do that to others, so I cannot condemn anyone for it, just saying it is annoying. Anyhow, if you can come to a point in a discussion to say I agree to disagree with you and leave it at that, neither side gets their feelings truly hurt and an argument may be avoided.  Unless you are hanging out with me and I don't let it go...LOL...Just kidding.  Anyhow, point is take everything you hear with a grain of salt, and keep what is pertinent and push the other stuff aside, life is too short, to fight over whether you were right or they were.

Anyhow, that is all I really have to say on the subject is that if you really care about people and the person who is talking to you, give them the courtesy of listen to them totally out, and if you want give your own impression, but if you disagree with their position, maybe the better part of valor is to just let it go and chalk it up to the game of life and move on.  As I said life is too short and the precious moments we have don't need to be shared in arguments.  I would say keep your opinion to yourselves, but that would be falling on deaf ears, especially since I cannot seem to do.  But be respectful of another's opinion and give them benefit of the doubt and then just let it go. What can it hurt? right?

Anyhow, this week has been tough been job hunting and trying to update my blog and write entries and then squeeze in doctors on top of all of it.  So, just remember your opinion is as right and true as anyone else's and if you want to share them you can, but when someone disagrees, be ready to agree to disagree and let it be.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Hate, Anger and Regret will consume you.

I was thinking about anger, hate and regrets the other day and how those three things are the formula for revenge.  Revenge is all about getting back at someone for hurting you, or having done something to you. The pitfalls of revenge can be found in literary classics like "Moby Dick" and other such important works.  The end results are usually the same, a person becomes embroiled and totally consumed by the intense drive and need to execute their revenge.  Revenge is pointless, you cannot change the past, and in most cases more hurt is inflicted upon yourself then the person you target.  In my blog entry entitled "So What, Who Cares, Get Over it and Move on" I talk about grudges, and revenge is a grudge that has grown out of control and has become an obsession.

It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it?  The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt.  Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person.  Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.

I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions.  Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person.  When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy.  In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair.  After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain.  Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.

If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void?  Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding?  No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression.  Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste.  You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late.  Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken.  Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?

In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned.  Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done.  You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you.  See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for.  What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.

Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt.  Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from.  Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start.  It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said.  You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.

Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions.  Try to figure out what their agenda is.  Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog.  These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt.  To them you are just an end to the means.  If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.

It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good.  Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions.  They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.

Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours.  But, guess what you are better than them.  You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them.  So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go.  They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over.  Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you.  Because you know what how they act and operate.  So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".  

While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that.  Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt.  My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it.  So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory.  The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account."  Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way.  Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all.  If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up.  There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike.  I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them.  But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did.  Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it.  It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.

Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world.  Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first.  Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge.  Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do.  Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through.  Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B