Not everything is as it seems

Words can have multiple meanings, teachings can have multiple interpretations,  problems can have multiple solutions, you can't judge someone by their looks alone. We can become so enamored by someone's outward appearance that we totally miss what is just below the surface.  As a race we tend to judge one another by the morals and standards we have developed for ourselves and what we perceive to be the teaching of our church or our parents. But you have to keep in mind there can be more than one interpretation on how to do things or live right.

Many times when two people come together they have to reconcile their beliefs with one another. Take a look the picture from a different point of view, even if two people, such as twins were born, their experiences would be totally different. No two individuals will experience situations in exactly the same way, even though they are raised the same each person takes away something different from each encounter they have. Even if they meet the same people, eat the same foods and are brought up the same exact way. Each person copes differently, has different coping mechanisms and their view point becomes skewed by these things.  Remember, each of us creates filters from which we view life through, filters are the way in which we look at life with.  You can think of filters like contact lenses or glasses that you look out upon the world through.  Each and everyone of us experience things differently therefore the way we view and do things are going to be different. Keep in mind that even shared experiences are going to be viewed and reacted too differently by the individuals that share them even if they were raised exactly the same way.

I talked about little about this in another blog entry when I spoke about how two people in a relationship can have totally different views on how something they experienced together can be so radically different. This is one reason that when police interview witnesses of a crime can have varying stories about what occurred during an investigation.  They have to look for commonalities in the individual stories to come up with a whole picture that can explain an event or incident. Now, if you think about it and apply this logic to a relationship it might actually help you to tolerate your partner doing something a different way than you would actually do it. Remember that there are many ways a task can be accomplished and that not everyone is going to do it the way you would.  You have to be flexible and accept how other people do things, because there is no single right way or wrong way to do things.

Another example that I can give you is this, the face you see in public is probably not the same face you see in private.  I know a couple extremely well and if you were to see them out at a restaurant or walking down the street you might well think that they are the perfect couple, you see them together and they seem so happy and content with each other. You really are convinced that they were meant to be together.  Which in my friends case they are meant to be together and compliment each other well. However, again things are not always as they seem.  This couple has it's share of fights and arguements and not as happy as the outward face they display when they go out into public.  Another way to look at this is that all outward appearances are masks that we wear out into public, and while that is on you cannot see the truth that lies just beneath the surface.  Another example I can give you is when people look at me they think that they are looking at a person that isn't handicapped but they would be wrong, you cannot draw conclusions or assumptions just by looking at things.  Remember that what you see is not always what you are getting.

Just because something looks normal and acts like nothing is wrong, you have no idea what another person is going through.  Humans are good at hiding their problems, emotions and feelings and hide them away.  They truly don't want other people to know that they are gong through something or are in pain, but again not all things are as they seem.  There are always things that you cannot see that lie just below the surface.  Just like an ice berg the tip is all that is seen, it is what is hidden underneath that can cause the most damage.  When you get to know another person you can sometimes see behind the mask that they are hiding behind.  If you get to konw me well you will begin to realize that I wake up in pain every morning. Some days are worse than others, but no one outside of my house would ever know what I am feeling or going through because of the happy up beat face that I put on when i leave my house.  For that matter no one has a clue that I have a colostomy bag, because you cannot see it at all while I am dressed.

The whole point that I am trying to express to you is that you cannot look at someone or something and know what is really going on with them.  You can also never know what a person is really thinking and feeling.  The only one that truly knows what they are going through and feeling is the person that is going through it.  What is on the outside doesn' t necessarily let you know what is going on in the inside.  People are going through as much drama and turmoil just like you are.  Keep that in mind as you meet and hangout with people.  Remember that there is more than one way to accomplish a task, there is no right or wrong way to do something. Be open minded and sensitive toward others so that you can get to know them and see what is under their mask.  Know this no matter what you are going through in your life there is someone out there that is going through something just as bad as you are or worse.  Life is a learning and growing experience. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement and growth.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is actually meant by "Keeping it Real?"

I hear a lot of people running around saying "Keep it Real", "Real talk", or "100".  But do they even have an idea of what they are actually talking about.  The answer to that is NO.  See, the younger generation assumes that it means be honest, don't lie, don't cheat, be yourself etc.  Yes that is part of it, but there is so much more that encompasses what being real is all about.  Keeping it real has to start with integrity, truth and compassion.  Most youth use it today to be blunt and rude. They throw their opinion out there like it is requested, required or needed.  Guess what folks it isn't.  I have a friend that pointed out to me yesterday that if you are truly wanting to keep it real or be real, it has to start with yourself. You have to be true to yourself, be honest and open with yourself.  You can't hide behind your mask or fascade and think that you are being real or keeping it real.

Many of you run around pretending to be Thugs, gangsta's or bad boys.  Truth of the matter is it is just an act, it is a costume that you put on each morning when you get up. It is a behavior, or pattern that you are trying to use to change who you truly are.  The problem with this is, the real you is still there hidden behind all that you are trying to get the world to see. You are creating a false persona that you want other including your friends to see.  You weren't born a Thug, Gangster, bad boy. You were born a male, and you should grow into a man.  Who you are affiliated with or hang with should not be who you become.  If you want to have a secret identity it truly is up to you, but you can't be real to anyone else if you are not real with yourself. 

In order for you to be real you have to understand what being real actually entails.  See there is more too it than just being honest with others, it is more than just being blunt and straightforward.  Being real means being a person of integrity. Honest, trustworthy and putting others before yourself.  See there are elements of being real that many of you seem to not understand they are compassion, understanding and respect.  In order for you to be real with another person, you have to be compassionate at how you talk with them, how you deliver the truth to them.  Keep in mind it isn't what you say but how you say it.  Further, if you truly understand and respect the person and their intentions then you are going to be there for them and talk to them. You will take the time to explain to them the situation and make sure that they are aware of all the variables and possible risks that are involved.  Remember this Real is born out of love for another person, you care about them, you don't want them hurt or embarrassed, it isn't a means to be brutal, hurtful or blunt. 

I want to explain this to you a bit further, I want to break it down to you so that you understand exactly what being real is all about and what it entails. See there are responsibilities and emotions that are associated with being real or keeping it real.  But in order to understand all of this you first need to know what the definition of being real is all about.  Real as defined by the Webster's Pocket dictionary is "something which is existing, genuine, true, or authentic.  Under the law it is defined as property which is regarded as permanent, fixed or immovable; not illusory, artificial, or fraudulent." Either of those definitions go a long way into establishing what I am trying to say.  Most ot the time when someone tells you to keep it real, they are talking about you yourself, the person.  However, it is also something that should be demonstrated in your actions, attitude and way you interact with other people.  Being real is unconditional if you are trying to be real, it is something that is accepted and practiced at all times.  There isn't a halfway point with being real. Either you are or you are not. It is a way of life, and it isn't always easy.  You have to keep other's thoughts and feelings in mind as you are trying to practice it.

Being real is all about unconditionally accepting others, caring about them and giving them the respect that they deserve, and having their backs at all times, putting their needs and wants before your own.  It also is about being aware of their feelings and being honest and truthful with them using compassion, understanding, love and respect and offering them support to show them how you actually feel. Now, what does this mean.  It means that you have to be gentle and kind in your honesty with them, conscious of how your words and truth might hurt them.  You need to couch them in compassion and temper them with love, respect and understanding.  If you do this, the bluntness of your words and attitude will be tempered enough that won't hurt the other person too badly.  Often times your good intentions are missed because of the way in which they are said. Your word's are blunt, callus and bitter, they hurt and sting, it immediately puts the person you are trying to look out for put their backs up and resist what you are trying to tell them. The pain your words have caused has made them dig in their heals and can cause resentment towards you and your attitude. If you approach the situation as I have mentioned above your words will have a better chance of causing change and helping the other person. 

What I am trying to tell you is that "Being Real", "Keeping it Real", "Keeping it 100", or being just plain "real" is a lifestyle, a way of living.  It is something that needs to be practiced and lived, rather than trying to emulate it.  If you live by it, it will be automatic to you.  But being real is a combination of honesty with other emotions and processes involved.  In order for you to actually accomplish it and live by it you have to understand it.  That is what I want you to take away from this entry.  Being real needs to be handled with compassion, trust and faith. It encompasses love, respect, truth and support.  Actions speak louder than words, prove to me that you are real, by being real to yourself and others at all times.  If you are going to claim it you better damn well be doing it.

Remember it isn't something that you turn on or off. Either you are or your not!   Keep in mind that being real is all of those things I have mentioned compassion, trust, faith, love, respect and support. You can't only put one or two in there and think that you are being real.  You can't use blunt honesty alone and think that you are being real.  Being real is not something that you use as a weapon to hurt others, being real is just another name for integrity.  Being real and keeping it real, means that you show everyone respect, offer them support, you are honest with them in a compassionate and understanding way.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It really is surprising how many of my friends lives are stuck on Repeat!

You know I went back to Atlanta recently for a little visit.  I saw quite a few of my friends while I was up there and I was surprise at how many of them are still doing the same things they have been doing.  Of course this is really nothing new because for the most part every where I go I see old friends and acquaintances all doing the same things. When I go to Orlando I run into the same people that I knew from when I lived there 15 years ago at the bar and I wonder how and why they are still there.  At least I went away for a long time and came back.  I went to school and got 2 degrees, had a career and battled cancer.  These poor people are still hanging at the bar, doing the same thing, some of them actually do have jobs now and are doing something with their lives, but the majority of them are still not working, still hanging out, still getting high, drinking and not doing a damn thing with their lives.  First off I wonder how they can afford it,?Because I know I struggle and I make good money. So how can they still be doing the same thing after all these years?

Maybe this is just a phenomena in the gay community, and the drug community too which I used to be associated with.  Or maybe it is just the way I am looking at things.  But I often wonder how a friend of mine who I have known since he was twenty-four, is still bouncing around from place to place with no where to really call home, he is out every night chasing his high and looking for the next fix.  He is trading on his looks to get what he wants. So far it is working for him. But one day and probably pretty quickly that is all going to run out.  No one stays young forever, and what happens when people get tired of supporting your habits, and you crashing on their couch.  The community isn't that big that you aren't going to eventually wear out your welcome at all your friend's places.

What I have found out that these people are just stuck on repeat, they found something that works for them and they continue to do it. Unless something changes, and they are forced to make a change they are going to continue in the same pattern.  David Guetta is one of my favorite musicians right now and he has a song called "Repeat" and it sort of talks about this.  The bridge goes something like this "So go out and party, cause I'm just getting started And I'm dancing to a brand new beat Cause you're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat...So go out and party, like you're not broken-hearted Cause you'll always just be stuck on repeat Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat."

This song really speaks too me, it reminds me of my past. The days when I sat around getting high and following in my friends footsteps.  It also reminds me that a lot of my friends are stuck, they are in a rut and they cannot seem to break free from the hold that the drugs and alcohol has on them and their lives.  They are just stuck in repeat mode.  It is almost like watching a bad version of "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray repeats the same day over and over again.  How many of us get stuck by habits and bad choices, and we fall into a rut or pattern that we cannot break free of?  Honestly, I think a lot of us do.  We just learn how to hide it differently.  In last nights blog entry I talked about patterns and filters, and I again stress that all of our lives revolves around patterns.  That if we watch a person long enough we can see the pattern and can predict their actions based on that pattern.

I have a friend named Tony that is in Atlanta, he is stuck in a pattern, and is stuck on the streets of Atlanta, and I would do anything to help him get off those streets and help him change his life. Because years ago someone did that for me, helped me see that the self-destructive pattern my life was on and helped me see a different way of doing things and gave me the opportunity to change my life, and so I feel that I should repay that favor by paying it forward.  However, I have lost touch with my friend and have been unable to locate him.  Surprisingly I have gotten myself into a position where I am going out on my own and I will be in a better spot to help him.  I have another friend that I love with all of my heart, but unfortunately he is far away, I have offered to bring him here and help him face the medical needs that he is going to be going through soon.  He too is in a rut and a pattern.  Unfortunately, even though I know he loves me and cares about me his weighted down with what is happening too him and he has closed himself off from me and his other friends and there is nothing I can do.  I am being patient and waiting for him to reach out to me, but it is driving me crazy not hearing from him.  But I have to respect and understand what he is going through and since I know what he is facing, all I can do is wait here patiently and offer my support the only way he is allowing me at this point.  Both of these friend are in ruts and holding patterns and their life is on "repeat".

As you know I enjoy helping people and I do so by writing about my experiences and those of my friends, to try and help steer others from following in our footsteps and making the same mistakes we have made.  I don't judge and I try to be understanding. I understand the power of addiction and I have spent my time fighting it. I know how drugs and alcohol can hold us in the same spot, and we never move forward.  So here I am trying to help others recognize those patterns, realize that the drugs and other addictions we face are holding us back and keeping us from progressing and moving forward.

Trust me it isn't easy to get away from them. Addictions can be subtle and tricky things that manipulate us, they hold us back and we don't even realize that time is moving forward.  I hope that others can see what I am talking about and maybe realize that they have to do something to make a change so that they can break free of the rut that they are currently in.

I will write more on this subject and talk to you about how to break the cycle and the chains that hold us in our patterns, and how we can recognize when we are actually in a rut or pattern that is holding us still.

But for now, all I want you to do is realize that there are friends of yours and mine that are hopelessly stuck on repeat and we must help them to realize this.  We need to offer them the assistance and guidance they need to get their life back on track and break free of those chains that are binding them and keeping them stuck.  If we don't reach out and help them who will. Don't wait till it is too late and they are gone from our lives because they have over dosed or been locked up.  See them for the victims that they are and like the person from my past that looked beyond the addiction and the sex and really saw the real me and struggle to lift me out of my rut and pattern we need to do the same for others.  Don't judge them, be kind and understanding, see the real person, look at their heart and see the potential that is locked within struggling to find a break and get out of their situation and offer them a helping hand, with love.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Here's the thing about Love!

Over the past few days the topic of love has been brought up to me by several people.  One of my best friends in Ft. Lauderdale has been going through some stuff with his boyfriend and has begun to question his idea of love. Even I have been questioning it a great deal lately, because the person I am interested in has been MIA (missing in action).  Then there is my friend Tony in Atlanta that I have been thinking about and the conversations we had while I was visiting up there last month.  All of these discussions have prompted me to look a little closer at love, and what I really know about it.

See I am not a typical gay person, until recently I have always been in a long term relationships.  In a way I have been in one relationship after another for the first 30 years of my life.  After my relationship with Joe ended I seem to have had a series of short term relationships ranging from a couple of months to three years, but even though I have been in relationships and been with men all of my life, I wonder if I have ever truly been in love.

See, love is suppose to make things easy between two people and bring them from separate individuals into a couple.  It is supposed to make them stronger, bring them closer together, unite them.  When two people are truly in love with one another it is almost like a drug, they are intoxicated by each others presence and hate to be alone.  The couple ignore the flaws and faults of the other, they accept them for themselves. They enjoy spending time together and talking about everything. There are no secrets between them and they trust each other completely.  They want only the best for their partner and wish them good fortune and happiness at every turn.  They love doing little things and creating surprises, they bring out the best in each other and push them to reach their limits. Love creates a patient understanding between the two of them and conflict is less because they fit together so well.

Since I have been in good relationships and bad relationships and have stayed with people way longer than I should have, I think I have a good handle on what relationships entail.  But, still I wonder if any of the relationships I have been in really were based on love, or were they more a partnership?  Or a joining of forces to reach the next level or step in life? To be honest, I think that maybe the reason why those relationships of the past didn't last forever was because they weren't based on love, but more a joining of partners like a business partnership.  Maybe I am still waiting for the right person to come along, my soulmate so to speak.  Who honestly knows at this point!

This is what I know about love: Love is kind, considerate, never boastful, it is trusting, full of compassion and understanding, it is patient and kind, giving and most of all it is forgiving.  Love allows us to accept ourselves and others, including their likes, dislikes, their goodness and their faults.  Love is never envious, it is always gentle, yet when it needs to be it can be firm.  Love doesn't judge or find fault, it is unconditionally given and is always greatest when it is shared. Love is a seed that is planted, tended patiently and blooms with spectacular colors and passions. It unites us and binds us, it gives us hope for the future, and strength to overcome any obstacle.  Love has the ability to span time and distance, bridge gaps in cultures, ethnicities and social barriers. Yet love also blinds us to the frailties of the spirit, but uplifts us and gives us the ability to overcome disabilities, limitations and stigmas.

Love isn't hard, it doesn't hurt and if it does there is something extremely wrong.  Love unites, never separates, it doesn't thrive in strife and anger, it withers and grows thorns.  There is a fine line between love and hate they say and if your aren't careful you can cross that line.  Yet, somehow I don't believe that is honestly true, because if there is love in your heart, and you look through compassionate eyes, there can be no hate. Love counters hate, it is a light that guides us, it is what make a house feel like home, it makes our partner feel like part of us, that where one of us ends the other begins, it is a circle and the ring that is used to symbolize love and the union of a couple is symbolic of the circle.  You can forgive anything through love, but you should never forget, because forgetting could possibly lead to you to make the same mistakes again.

What I am trying to say is this, if you find yourself questioning the one you love, look at the circumstances that you find yourselves in.  Maybe it isn't the person that you are doubting, but the actions and choices that have brought you to that point.  Only you can know what is in your heart and mind, and if you aren't honest with yourself you can never truly be honest with your partner. That my friend isn't love, it is a deception, a lie that you tell yourself so you can sleep at night.  See, we can never truly know what another is thinking, their motivations, the forces that are acting upon them, the deceit and deceptions they are playing on themselves and you. But, what we can see and feel is their heart, their intentions may be hidden from us, but their heart is what will give them away, because the actions that follow will be clear.  I keep telling others that actions speak louder than words, that the small things you do for each other give clues to the seriousness of their love.  See, it is the little things that make it all worthwhile, the little note in their lunch that says "I love You". The unexpected surprise gift, the little note left on the mirror that tells them to smile.  The little romantic gestures that seem silly and mundane to the rest of the world but mean so much to you and your partner, those are the tell tale signs of love.

Anyone can utter the words I love you, but do their actions, eyes, and heart show that they do?  That is only something you can find out and answer. There really is someone out there for everyone, and we have to find that person, make the connection and when you do it will be awesome and everything you dreamed of.  You will know in your heart that they are the one. I don't know how, but I know it is true. I have seen people in love, and felt the warmth radiate from them, I have noticed the gleam in their eye, and I have felt the joy and happiness that they contain, so yes my friends I know that love exists. It isn't some chemical balance that is released into your bloodstream.  It is a connection of the soul a binding of the spirit, it is so much more than just two people coming together and muttering words of love.  Those types of relationships tend to fail.  Love comes from really knowing someone, trusting them completely, it isn't something that just happens, it is a deep an inner connection that grows over time.

Don't fret my friend if you haven't gotten there yet, it will come, just be patient.  Oh and one more thing, the strongest and most lasting relationships usually start out as friendships.  So don't be fooled when someone tells you they care about you, but they don't want to ruin the friendship, because guess what if that is what they think then they aren't the right one.  Because anyone knows that you can't ever truly ruin a friendship, you can make it stronger with love, but see friendships are everlasting, they also require work, but a friend gets over the pain of mistakes and they can work through anything.  I have had several blowouts with some of my best friends over the years and I can honestly tell you that no matter what time has healed those wounds and we have always managed to work through our issues and problems and have always come back together. So take it from me, you may have found your love, they could be one of your friends and you both just don't know it yet, because like I said earlier it is a seed that once planted takes time to grow, and when it does you will definitely know.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Can a lone desire make a person change their sexual preference?

In my life I have had 2 different men tell me that they were changing their sexual preference from gay to straight and I often wonder if that is really and truly possible.  If we go back to my earlier blog entry on my thoughts on bisexuality, I would say that it is possible however I don't think it is actually probable.  I think that at some point in the future old desires and feelings are going to come back to the foreground and trouble is going to brew.  As I stated in my earlier article I feel that we all start out as bisexual and that it is our associations and the associations we form that pull us in one direction or another.  If a person has lived their life bonding and feeling closer to men, they tend to become aligned with being gay. In other words the kinship and relationships they feel most comfortable with is with men there fore they tend to be homosexual.  The reverse is also true. However, why do you think that gay men have more straight girlfriends than their heterosexual counterparts? That one is easier to explain, because men that tend to bond and form relationships with other men feel a connection to their feminine side and have a natural affinity toward females.  Females are not threatened by their gay counterparts and can form close binding friendships with gay men because they have a common interest.

So my question is this, if a gay man finds themselves wanting children and a normal life can they revert back through the years of their lifestyle and become heterosexual?  In most cases I don't actually believe that is possible.  See I believe that we are the culmination of the events and choices that we have made in our lives. I also feel that each experience that we have molds us and forms a pattern that we become used to. It maybe possible for a person to bury their true feelings and nature for a while, but in the long run the urges and itches are going to once again surface.  When that happens lives get shattered and feelings get hurt and there is a sense of betrayal on at least one of the parties concerned.  I have known older men that have lived their lives as heterosexual men that play with other men without their spouses being aware of their true nature and their desires.  I have also seen some of those men at a later age in life come clean about their sexuality and how it disrupts their families and hurts the ones they love and care about.  How do you think you would feel if you were married to someone for 20 years only to find out that they secretly had feelings for someone of the same sex and that there was nothing you could do to compete.

Now, also imagine if after 20 years you have children that are involved. How do you think they would feel finding out that one of their parents wasn't who they thought they were? Believe me their world would be turned upside down and there would be a lot of pain and confusion. Eventually as time goes on I believe that hurt would lessen and love and feelings would eventually come back.  But, realize this, the damage has been done and only time and distance will make those hurts fade.  Again my question is it actually possible for a person to go against the pattern that they have been living and totally change?  I think that maybe it could be if the desire was strong enough, and that they were never truly comfortable with the choices they have made in the past. However, I do honestly believe that we are creatures of habit and that our lives revolve in patterns, and once a pattern has been ingrained for years on end, I don't honestly believe that a conscious change will hold up and keep for the long haul.  I honestly think as I said earlier that those feelings and the old patterns will reemerge at a later point.

It is important for you to understand that you have to be totally honest with yourself and your feelings. If you have a strong desire to have a child there are ways you can accomplish that without trying to rewrite and change your whole history.  As a friend of mine is finding out, most people don't believe that he has changed and that over time he will revert back to his old ways.  Personally my feelings on this are as I stated above, I believe that under certain circumstances a change can be made, but I am not 100 percent convinced that the change will be permanent.  I am reminded of a movie I once saw where a bisexual guy dated a gay man for awhile.  The bisexual went on to marry a woman, however years later that same man came back to his old gay partner and found that what he was really looking for was there all along, that he didn't really fit in to either lifestyle and the closest he could find to what he was looking for was the gay man and his son.  In some of us the desire to have a child is so strong that we go to extremes to have one, and in the long run end up running the risk of ourselves not being happy, and having to live a lie that we are not entirely comfortable with.  I am here to tell you that there are ways around this misconception and no one has to get hurt.  The truth of the matter is like in all things in life you have to start with yourself and be completely honest with yourself and how you are feeling.  You have to look inward and truly search your heart and desires and see what it is that you really want and how comfortable you feel.

If you have always found yourself attracted to men, and have had relationships with them in the past, I am not sure you are going to be happy trying to change your sexuality just because you want to have a child or you think that it will make your family and friends happy.  What you have to do is live for yourself and make yourself happy. See I know for a fact only you have your own best interest at heart and that only you can make yourself happy all of the time, but you have to be honest with yourself and completely receptive to the feelings that you keep bottled up inside of yourself.  As I have told you in previous entries there is still a part of me that is attracted to women, however, I find that I have an easier time bonding with and associating with men. Therefore I know that I am gay.  I feel comfortable in gay relationships, however I see the attraction and acceptance one would feel if they could find themselves accepted as normal and straight in today's society. I also know the desire to have a child and I know that with my health and other conditions that it will probably never happen unless I adopt or chose someone else's child to raise as my own.

But I guess I have been hitting all around my question and I have given a wishy-washy answer. Can a person change their sexuality and live with it and not end up reverting back at some point in the future?  Honestly, I don't know for sure. I know that my first lover is married now and she knows about his past and has accepted him for it.  I know she also knows about me and the feelings that we once had for each other. I also know that he broke off all ties and communication with me years ago because he didn't think his wife would understand his communicating with an ex that he had a long term relationship with.  I can't say that I blame him for that one.  But what do I know of his exploits from that point? I can honestly say nothing.  My friend that is going through this now, is at the beginning and I am not sure what his true feelings are a this point because I haven't really had a chance to talk to him in depth about his decision and the motivations behind it.

What I do know is that no matter the outcome of either of their relationships, I am still their friend and always will be. When I tell someone I am their friend I am their friend till the end with no questions asked.  See to me it doesn't matter about your orientation or preferences, you are still the person I knew and loved and offered my hand too in friendship and nothing is going to change that.  You cannot take away all of our experiences together nor can you deny all the interactions we have experienced as friends.

So in the long run do I care if someone is gay or straight or bisexual?  No, it matters little to me.  See it is the person that I am friends with and if I am truly your friend I accept you for you, who you were when I met you and the person you are going to become.  I accept you fully, that means the good the bad and the indifferent.  See I have found that the human heart has a great capacity for love. The is no limit to the number of people we can love, our hearts are as big as our brains and if you truly accept a person and are their friend you are going to accept them unconditionally and totally.  You are going to be supportive and help them carry out their goals and plans. You are going to stand by them and offer them words of encouragement and advice on each and every situation they find themselves in.  A friendship is a type of relationship that is built as much on trust and communication as it is on love and understanding. There is a reason why you and your friends always seem to get over the fights and work through the tough times and remain friends.  That is because of love and the heart and energy you put into those friendships.

Will my friend be successful in his heterosexual journey, I am not sure or convinced at this point, but I will tell you what, it is my responsibility to support his decision and offer him the advice and guidance I can to help him reach the goal he has set for himself at this point. Whether he makes it and keeps living it, is up to him. But I will be there for him no matter the outcome.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Love: CURSE VS. BLESSING

My friend Jaime McNeal from Facebook broached a topic with me the other night. He wanted me to explore my thoughts on Love as a curse.  Now, I wrote an entry last night juggling the thought is Love a Blessing or a Curse.  But that wasn't precisely what Jaime meant so today I decided to rework the concept and do a compare and contrast between the two aspects of what we call Love.  So this is going to be Curse vs. Blessing and we shall see what we come up with.

Curse: 

In the broadest sense of the word, Love can blind you to the machinations of others.  So if they don't have your best interests at heart they can use your feelings against you. Love binds us to others, and it can rob us of our identity if it is mishandled and used as a weapon.  You must be careful who you give your heart and love to, it is a commodity that can be greatly misused and turned against you.

Now when you meet someone for the first time, you are exposed to the facade they present to the world or their public face or mask.  It is only after time that we begin to see the real person hiding inside.  You may wonder why some people seem to change over time, well it isn't that they really have changed they are still the same person, you are just seeing more of them than they had originally shown.  In my heart I don't believe anyone ever intentionally plans to enter into a relationship with malicious intent, unless they are a psychopath to begin with.

There is a honeymoon period when you meet someone, that is the time period that begins when you first meet and start to come together as a couple. It is that grace period where the hidden person has yet to be revealed. This period of time can last up too perhaps a year.  Love is a journey, it is not something that just boom happens and you are there, and neither are the subtle approaches of mental abuse.  It is a gradual increase of criticisms and slight of words, that are aimed at wounding you, they are used in the heat of an argument, as I have said before word wounds may never heal properly, because they fester and infect long after they have been said.

Do we ever really know the real person?  I am not sure we do unless they are 100 percent honest with you, and trust me those types of people are few and far between.  It is time that becomes the great equalizer.  It is over time that you begin to see patterns develop.  People live by patterns, they are our routines, and habits, and if you are observant you can start to read them.  If the relationship starts to become over bearing, or you start to loose your sense of identity, then I think you will agree that love is a curse.  If your relationship is co-dependent and you have no individual independence then I would say  again that love is a curse.  The same aspects that can make love a blessing are surely the same that make it a curse as well.  But there are subtle differences and nuances that you have to be aware of and look for.  See Love is kind, caring, compassionate, long suffering, patient, enduring, blind to the faults of others, and when you are in the midst of it you can't seem to think rationally, and at times you don't even recognize what is happening because it is so subtle and slow that one day you wake up and wonder how you got to the place you are at, and why the hell are you still with the same person who has been putting you down for years and criticizing you, who has been so jealous and demeaning that none of your friends want to be around.  The same person who had decided that you weren't enough for them any more and decided to step out and fool around with someone else.  The same one that brought home a disease and passed on to you, because they were callused and careless and honestly never truly gave you a second thought. See in relationships the person who has the least invested physically, emotionally is ultimately the one with all the power over it.

Look for the signs that go along with the co-dependency, the controlling and violent tempers.  Because before you know it you start making excuses for their behavior, you rationalize to yourself that you guys have just hit a rough patch, or your partner is just under a lot of pressure, or a thousand other reasons.  Let me tell you something, it truly isn't going to get any better and if you stay, the mental abuse, the put downs, and snide comments, as well as the heated arguments are going to increase, and one day, before you know those same things have turned into physical abuse.  I have to tell you I have been down that road, and stayed there for far too long.  Sometimes it is easier to make the excuses, cling to the past, and hope that something might change. There will come a time and a place when you realize that it never is going to happen, that you have been wishing on smoke.  That enough is enough and you are going to have to leave.  Don't fall for their lies and cries that they will change and that it will never happen again, because it is Bullshit, they are not going to change, it isn't going to get any better, somewhere along the way the relationship got sidetracked and it has come too far to turn around now.  No one has the right to lay a hand on another person.  Pay attention to what is said when you are arguing, because you will find out that those are the true feelings of the person, and the resentments and disillusionment that they have been harboring.  Listen closely, and when you hear them you should know that it is time to go and move on because life isn't going to get any better, it is just going to get worse.

Ultimately, when someone really loves you and you have gotten to know them truly, then it will be a blessing...

Blessing:

Love is kind, enduring, never boastful or proud, compassionate, caring, patient, long suffering and the list goes on.  But what is love really? Love is a combination of intense attraction mixed with emotional and physical ties, that bind two people together.  Love is a seed that is planted and if nurtured correctly, and tended to can grow and bloom into something spectacular.  Love is easy going, never forceful, it is accepting, and takes time to grow and develop. It is a journey of discovery and growth, between two people, the catch is that there has to be open and honest line of communication with each other for it to work.  There has to be a base of friendship and mutual trust and understanding.  Problems arise when people try to move things along too quickly, they don't let it mature and grow at it's own speed.

For those of you that know me I have gone into great detail in the past about my previous relationships.  I have been in several long term relationships, and I have come to the conclusion that the way to make it work out is that you honestly must be open minded. You have to be willing to try new things, experiment, think outside the box, you have to keep it interesting and alive.  I believe that along with Love comes responsibilities, that must be taken on by both parties. It is a fluid, a moving and growing thing that is never constant, change is part of what a relationship is all about.  Remember that it is a journey that we are on, and love is apart of that journey.

Flexibility, honesty, and compromise are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and the development of love. If you truly love someone and they love you, things feel so easy, you fit together, there is no struggle.  You feed into each others wants, needs and desires. Your goals are intertwined to take you to the next level. You are accepting and you don't feel jealousy or envy, because you already know in your heart that they are yours.  Love is a two way street and it is something that is felt and if you aren't getting back as much as you are giving out then I think you might need to consider bailing out and looking elsewhere.

A long time ago I wrote this abstract on love.  I am going to reprint it here hopefully this helps you understand what it is supposed to feel like:
Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish.

As you have read this I hope you can see that Love is both a blessing and a curse depending on how it is manipulated and used.  Think of it as a coin, on one side you have blessing and on the other curse.  How you handle it and perceive it is what is going to make the difference.  

Jaime, this is for you buddy, I hope it points you in the direction you are looking for.  I have to tell you thank you for the topic, because from the original entry I wrote, I have a new topic for tomorrow.  "Why are gay relationships so transitory?" 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

True Friendship

As I have told you before finding those true friends is a rare and beautiful thing.  When you find them you need to hold on to them and cherish them.  I have one friend that pops into mind almost immediately.  This man has been with me through so many things, yes, we have had our problems, and fights, but somehow we have always managed to get past them and work it out. My best friend Jason was there with me the night that I found out I was HIV Poz.  He sat with me on my bed at my house and held me, and we talked and talked for hours.  This was a very cold night back in December of 2006, it was just a week after he had learned himself that he was HIV positive.  I drew strength and courage from him even though he was a lot younger than me.

But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart.  However, our story was far from finished.  See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs.  Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines.  Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe.  This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people.  I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had  paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe.  Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name.  Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.

Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time.  Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly.  Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us.  I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago.  Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him.  Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him.  Though everyone one else uses his middle name.

Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit.  The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people.  I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain.  Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex.  I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG!  But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about.  Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly.  Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me.  What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive.  He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason.  I  can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex.  Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all.  I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe.  Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.

So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total.  I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship".  But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile.  You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.

Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends.  All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place.  This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place.  Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore.  But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world.  He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer.  Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again.  He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me.  Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag.  Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into.  Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life.  You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over.  Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it.  By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.

Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion.  Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me.  I know he knows I'd do the same for him.  There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him.  I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came.  Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust.  Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off.  Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health.  I love him still to this day.

Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time.  The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was.  He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it.  That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me.  If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world.  The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen.  Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital.  Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal.  I can honestly say I knew him when.  Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was.  Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.

The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break.  But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance.  They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn.  You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs.  In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent.  You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.

A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had.  Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up.  They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths.  They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.

Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them.  Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you.  Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.

I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same.  My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support.  Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do.  Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people

Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me.  Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires.  I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships.  My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing.  Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help.  But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life.  Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today.  I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.

I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey.  Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama.  See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems.  If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them.  Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.

I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income.  Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it.  I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.

If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy.  I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean.  I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things.  Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out.  Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.

I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time.  Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore.  I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.

But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of.  I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was.  Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here.  I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to.  She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true.  Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it.  What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing.  I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.

My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.

I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way.  My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs.  Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament.  Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing.  But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you.  That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.

I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then.  Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear  it.

I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write.  I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at.  I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day.  But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet.  But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.

So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on.  Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.

All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life.  Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them.  Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B