I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head. Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide. Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested. He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us. The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels. Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me. But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.
Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen. It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them. I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone. My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them. But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.
I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone. I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me. I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone. When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough. I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.
So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me? Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more? I don't think I will ever know. I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for. Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.
So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own. Just like you and I have. I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on. I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.
I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am. But so are each of you. We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do. I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing? I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around. Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there. Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.
Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There" and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.
We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label helping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label helping. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for
On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide. Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others. In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide. Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry.
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Misadventures in Paradise
Well for those of you who aren't aware of current events in my life, I am finally back in Florida, where I should have never left in the first place. I went to meet Kerry in Atlanta that turned into the biggest fiasco the world has ever known. Anyhow, I went up there ended up getting jumped by 3 people that got my money, my ID, and almost lost my car. It was the most terrifying experience of my life and I never felt so alone. I did however make a remarkable discovery about myself and the people I counted as my friends. When push came to shove people only care about themselves and what they can get out of you.
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Can you pin point the defining moment in your life in which your world changed? Here is where mine did
I want to talk to you about inspiration, about those people that have touched your life and have shown you that there is strength and power by living through or overcoming a personal tragedy. I know you have heard me before that I find inspiration in a lot of things that happen around me. But there is so much more to my story that I think you might find interesting. I would like to take you back 22 years with me into my personal history. There is a story there that needs to be retold. I am sure it will enlighten a great many of you, and explain some of my more hard to understand habits. To give you a little background filler before I dive into the actual story, I graduated high school in 1986 in June, by September 1986 I was starting my adventure in the Navy.
Just so that you understand this totally, I knew already by that time that I was gay. I embraced my nature and used my time in the Navy to explore my sexuality. You may have heard me say a time or two that I have no regrets and feel no remorse for any of my actions. However, after reading my friends post the other day, and then writing the blog entry "It's never too late to learn something new about ourselves" and then "True Friendship" I began to realize that I do have one regret. One unforgivable action/reaction on my part, that was to have the biggest wide ranging affect on my life. This one deed would change me, it was a defining moment in my history, that changed my outlook on everything, it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, and the horrible and damnable action that ensured that I would never treat anyone cavalierly again.
It was December 1, 1989 my 21st birthday, I had met someone in 1987 when I was first transferred from Great Lakes to Norfolk, VA. He was a marine and at the time I thought he was stationed at Portsmouth Naval Hospital. We really liked each other, but here I was very young and naive and what he was about to tell me that night so long ago changed my life forever. Some of you who are close to me may already know this, so at this point I must ask you to bear with me let me retell the story, because I am sure that there are parts here that you are unaware of. To celebrate my birthday we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend in Norfolk and we had a fun filled fabulous weekend all planned. Both of us were off duty for the weekend and we were going to celebrate my birthday in style. Oh, how I wished that was what happened, but that night as we were getting ready to celebrate my coming of age, I was soaking in the bathtub, we had planned to go out to dinner first and then go to the Oar House, a gay bar in Norfolk, because I could legally drink and enjoy myself. But as I said none of that ever happened.
I am not sure what prompted him to reveal to me that very night what he did, and I guess I will never know the reason why. But as I was sitting there soaking, he came into the bathroom, he had a ring in a little box, as he bent down to give it too me he stopped and kissed me and said, I have to tell you something. I was so excited I immediately begged for him to tell me, and what unfolded pretty much ruined our plans, and certainly my actions doomed the entire relationship in that one instant. He said to me "Bryan, I have to be honest with you, because I love you and want to spend my life with you, but there is something you need to know. I am not stationed at Portsmouth like I let you believe, I am a patient there:" He held my hand and looked me in the eye and I saw tears forming and I got very scared, I begged for him to tell me. This is what he said "I am HIV Positive and I am here for treatment, do you know what HIV is? You do realize that it is going to kill me, I don't know how long I have or how this is all going to pan out, but I want to spend what time I have with you." My heart sank at that moment and we both sat there crying. I tried to be brave, but guess what I didn't understand, I didn't know enough about the disease and I was scared. We stayed in that night, but the next morning I made the single most fatal mistake I could ever make. I made an excuse, took his car and left, I avoided him for the next two days, leaving him a message that I had parked his car at his barracks and had given the keys to the master at arms. He called and called and I wouldn't take his calls, finally I gave in on the third day. We had lunch at the commissary, and he tried to talk to me, reassure me, but again, I was young and very very dumb. I pretended I was listening, I shook my head and made the proper acknowledgements, and then I left. It would be almost 2 months before we would see each other again.
In that two months, I learned everything I could about the disease, I called my mother who was a nurse, I talked to the doctors at the Naval hospital to find out how they were treating him, and when I felt comfortable enough and armed enough with enough knowledge I went back to see him, to apologize for my behavior and my reaction, but fate would have it another way. The drugs they were throwing at patients back then, were nothing like they are now. Doctors had no real idea of what they were doing, and the combination of AZT and other medicines blasted the body, in attempts to kill the virus, but it also destroyed the remaining immune system. Now, realize that 2 months had passed since I was told, and he had found out he was sick 6 months earlier, and by the next month he would be gone forever. Worse than anything, he never ever got to hear my apology, and will never know that the last 2 months of his life I was there with him every day and night around my duty schedule. See, by the time I had finally come to my senses and realized that he needed me and that there was nothing to be afraid of, AIDS related dementia had set in. There were a couple of days when he was lucid and seemed to remember things, but in the end the very last day, his family was there and I walked into the room and he look up and said "Who the fuck are you? and What are you doing here?" I had lost him, he died that afternoon, and never knew how sorry I was, how I regretted my actions, how I robbed him of the only happiness that he wanted. How I cheated him and betrayed his love and trust.
It is because of what happened that day in March 1990 that I changed my life, the way I approached things, I became the person I am today. I dedicated my life to loving and helping others, to care for those sick and to fight for their rights, I marched on Washington with the other people that were affected by HIV/AIDS, I have participated in the PRIDE marches, became an advocate and activist working to find a cure. He was the first person I lost to the disease but unfortunately not the last. In 2002 I lost my one of my best friends he just celebrated his 31st birthday, and there have been so many others. People always want to know why I go out of my way to help others, why I give away everything I have trying to make other peoples lives better, why I reach my hand out to teach them how to take care of themselves and why I struggled to keep people off the street. Here is the reason why! I never got to say good-bye, I never could apologize or take back my actions for deserting my first lover to the cruel clutches of a disease I barely understood. But, I damn well could make up for it and atone for what I did for the rest of my life. It has been 23 years now, and I still feel the same way. But now I am not just affected by the disease I am infected. In December of 2006, I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately went on the retro-virals and antivirals because of my medical history. I have been undetectable ever since.
In the past I have heard people describe me as being fake and phony, even two-faced, and why? Because everyone thought I was too good to be true, they couldn't believe that I was so nice, they kept trying to see where the other foot was coming down from. Because they believed that no one could be nice and loving and kind like I have been. Over the years many people have taken advantage of my kindness they took it for a weakness and tried to exploit it. Sadly some succeeded, but most came to realize over time, that I was just what I appeared to be, someone who genuinely loved other people, regardless of their health, race, sexual orientation, creed, culture, whatever. Those who took the time to get to know me realized that I was the same year after year and time after time.
Now, I am going to take a minute and pat myself on the back and sing my own praises. I am sure John, Sa'corey, Patrick, Judy, Nathan, Kerrion and others can attest and will tell you I am not lying about this. In my lifetime I have helped hundreds of people, taken them in off the street, giving them food, shelter and whatever else I could to help them, taught them how to look after themselves, some I helped get into school, get a job, or whatever they needed at the time. To the world at large I never let anyone outside of my intimate circle ever know how hard I struggled, how much it cost me, I never had an unkind word to say about anyone, and I gave till it physically hurt me, almost crippled me, but never stopped. I had a job where I was making $150,000.00 a year and literally I gave everything away over and over again. Yes I did drive an Infiniti G-35 and I did make sure I had decent clothes and shoes, but I dedicated my life to helping other people. I didn't realize until recently that other people saw this and drew inspiration from it. That I helped them realize the goodness inside themselves and helped them reach a point in their lives where they wanted to become a better person, they took my life as an example. I am honored and blessed by this, and I think it is a glowing tribute to the person I have become, and shining memorial to the one I lost. But there's more to the story.
In January of 2005, almost 14 years after I was first diagnosed with cancer, which came in 1992 when I was 24 years old and 2 years my beautiful marine had died. I had to have the first of many surgeries which would change my life in another direction forever. This is when I had to have a colostomy put in, for those of you who don't know what a colostomy is, it is a bag that is attached to my stomach where my crap comes out. I know longer have the use of my rectum. But I digress, in January 2005 was the first time that I came face to face with my mortality and it was when God and I had our first talk. Whether you believe me or not, it really doesn't matter, because I believe what happened and that is what governs my life. I died on the operating table and I saw God or an Angel, and I had a long conversation with Him. I was told that my work on Earth was not done that there was a message that I needed to take back with me, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing but show the world by deed and action as well as through my dedication to helping others, the message was and still is very simple. I was told to tell everyone that they were wrong, had missed the point of what Jesus said and why He died and for the last 8 years I have been doing just that.
For whatever reason the church seems hung up on the Old Testament. They seem to have forgotten that when Jesus hung on the cross that something amazing and wonderful happened. The covenant between Abraham and God was broken, that the gulf created by original sin was now bridged and that a new covenant was created between Jesus and man, that we were no longer under the law, but saved by Grace. That our sins were washed away by the innocent blood of Christ. Now, under this new covenant Jesus had given His disciples 4 commandments. If we live by these and abide by them, then we are ensured a place in Heaven. Now, I tell you that the 10 commandments of the Old Testament are good to live by and they ensure you to be a good person, but they will not get you into Heaven, that boat sailed and has passed. Under the new covenant, is based on LOVE, the message of Christ is of LOVE, UNITY AND ACCEPTANCE. The commandments that are given are: Do unto others as you would have done unto you, love thy neighbor as thy self. All one commandment...second commandment is Children obey your parents so that your days will be many, third is I am the way the truth and the light and no one comes to the father except through me. I am the alpha and the omega the beginning and the end. Fourth is to go out and be fishers of men, meaning witness, testify, live your life as an example and be like Jesus.
It is important to understand these, because the message that the church is still sending out today is one of intolerance, bigotry and hatred. They condemn anyone who thinks or acts differently then they do. Jesus live a live of love, tolerance and acceptance, bringing unity to everywhere he went. He didn't hang out with the religious leaders, he ministered, preached and helped the common man, poor man, the outcast, the thief, prostitutes, etc. He treated everyone equally with love and respect and he expects nothing less of us today.
Even though I have been told time and again that I am not going to make it, that I am going to die and that having 6 terminal illnesses should be devastating for me. I keep replying and telling them, it isn't my time yet, I have work yet to do, and though you may think that I am going to die, the truth is that we are all dying at different rates each day. That I was planning on out living them all. See I know that since I have dedicated my life to helping others and giving of myself that God is going to continue to keep me and reward me, that is all that matters. So won't you join me on this journey, won't you turn over your life to helping others, give of yourself and spread the word of Love, Unity and Acceptance?
Think about it would you? If you honestly believe in God and trust that Jesus died for our sins, you will come to realize that the message is clear and plain for anyone to see. All you have to do is follow. He has been waiting right here for 2000 years few have found the message and the path. He said it was the road less traveled and that few would find the path and the gate.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Just so that you understand this totally, I knew already by that time that I was gay. I embraced my nature and used my time in the Navy to explore my sexuality. You may have heard me say a time or two that I have no regrets and feel no remorse for any of my actions. However, after reading my friends post the other day, and then writing the blog entry "It's never too late to learn something new about ourselves" and then "True Friendship" I began to realize that I do have one regret. One unforgivable action/reaction on my part, that was to have the biggest wide ranging affect on my life. This one deed would change me, it was a defining moment in my history, that changed my outlook on everything, it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, and the horrible and damnable action that ensured that I would never treat anyone cavalierly again.
It was December 1, 1989 my 21st birthday, I had met someone in 1987 when I was first transferred from Great Lakes to Norfolk, VA. He was a marine and at the time I thought he was stationed at Portsmouth Naval Hospital. We really liked each other, but here I was very young and naive and what he was about to tell me that night so long ago changed my life forever. Some of you who are close to me may already know this, so at this point I must ask you to bear with me let me retell the story, because I am sure that there are parts here that you are unaware of. To celebrate my birthday we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend in Norfolk and we had a fun filled fabulous weekend all planned. Both of us were off duty for the weekend and we were going to celebrate my birthday in style. Oh, how I wished that was what happened, but that night as we were getting ready to celebrate my coming of age, I was soaking in the bathtub, we had planned to go out to dinner first and then go to the Oar House, a gay bar in Norfolk, because I could legally drink and enjoy myself. But as I said none of that ever happened.
I am not sure what prompted him to reveal to me that very night what he did, and I guess I will never know the reason why. But as I was sitting there soaking, he came into the bathroom, he had a ring in a little box, as he bent down to give it too me he stopped and kissed me and said, I have to tell you something. I was so excited I immediately begged for him to tell me, and what unfolded pretty much ruined our plans, and certainly my actions doomed the entire relationship in that one instant. He said to me "Bryan, I have to be honest with you, because I love you and want to spend my life with you, but there is something you need to know. I am not stationed at Portsmouth like I let you believe, I am a patient there:" He held my hand and looked me in the eye and I saw tears forming and I got very scared, I begged for him to tell me. This is what he said "I am HIV Positive and I am here for treatment, do you know what HIV is? You do realize that it is going to kill me, I don't know how long I have or how this is all going to pan out, but I want to spend what time I have with you." My heart sank at that moment and we both sat there crying. I tried to be brave, but guess what I didn't understand, I didn't know enough about the disease and I was scared. We stayed in that night, but the next morning I made the single most fatal mistake I could ever make. I made an excuse, took his car and left, I avoided him for the next two days, leaving him a message that I had parked his car at his barracks and had given the keys to the master at arms. He called and called and I wouldn't take his calls, finally I gave in on the third day. We had lunch at the commissary, and he tried to talk to me, reassure me, but again, I was young and very very dumb. I pretended I was listening, I shook my head and made the proper acknowledgements, and then I left. It would be almost 2 months before we would see each other again.
In that two months, I learned everything I could about the disease, I called my mother who was a nurse, I talked to the doctors at the Naval hospital to find out how they were treating him, and when I felt comfortable enough and armed enough with enough knowledge I went back to see him, to apologize for my behavior and my reaction, but fate would have it another way. The drugs they were throwing at patients back then, were nothing like they are now. Doctors had no real idea of what they were doing, and the combination of AZT and other medicines blasted the body, in attempts to kill the virus, but it also destroyed the remaining immune system. Now, realize that 2 months had passed since I was told, and he had found out he was sick 6 months earlier, and by the next month he would be gone forever. Worse than anything, he never ever got to hear my apology, and will never know that the last 2 months of his life I was there with him every day and night around my duty schedule. See, by the time I had finally come to my senses and realized that he needed me and that there was nothing to be afraid of, AIDS related dementia had set in. There were a couple of days when he was lucid and seemed to remember things, but in the end the very last day, his family was there and I walked into the room and he look up and said "Who the fuck are you? and What are you doing here?" I had lost him, he died that afternoon, and never knew how sorry I was, how I regretted my actions, how I robbed him of the only happiness that he wanted. How I cheated him and betrayed his love and trust.
It is because of what happened that day in March 1990 that I changed my life, the way I approached things, I became the person I am today. I dedicated my life to loving and helping others, to care for those sick and to fight for their rights, I marched on Washington with the other people that were affected by HIV/AIDS, I have participated in the PRIDE marches, became an advocate and activist working to find a cure. He was the first person I lost to the disease but unfortunately not the last. In 2002 I lost my one of my best friends he just celebrated his 31st birthday, and there have been so many others. People always want to know why I go out of my way to help others, why I give away everything I have trying to make other peoples lives better, why I reach my hand out to teach them how to take care of themselves and why I struggled to keep people off the street. Here is the reason why! I never got to say good-bye, I never could apologize or take back my actions for deserting my first lover to the cruel clutches of a disease I barely understood. But, I damn well could make up for it and atone for what I did for the rest of my life. It has been 23 years now, and I still feel the same way. But now I am not just affected by the disease I am infected. In December of 2006, I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately went on the retro-virals and antivirals because of my medical history. I have been undetectable ever since.
In the past I have heard people describe me as being fake and phony, even two-faced, and why? Because everyone thought I was too good to be true, they couldn't believe that I was so nice, they kept trying to see where the other foot was coming down from. Because they believed that no one could be nice and loving and kind like I have been. Over the years many people have taken advantage of my kindness they took it for a weakness and tried to exploit it. Sadly some succeeded, but most came to realize over time, that I was just what I appeared to be, someone who genuinely loved other people, regardless of their health, race, sexual orientation, creed, culture, whatever. Those who took the time to get to know me realized that I was the same year after year and time after time.
Now, I am going to take a minute and pat myself on the back and sing my own praises. I am sure John, Sa'corey, Patrick, Judy, Nathan, Kerrion and others can attest and will tell you I am not lying about this. In my lifetime I have helped hundreds of people, taken them in off the street, giving them food, shelter and whatever else I could to help them, taught them how to look after themselves, some I helped get into school, get a job, or whatever they needed at the time. To the world at large I never let anyone outside of my intimate circle ever know how hard I struggled, how much it cost me, I never had an unkind word to say about anyone, and I gave till it physically hurt me, almost crippled me, but never stopped. I had a job where I was making $150,000.00 a year and literally I gave everything away over and over again. Yes I did drive an Infiniti G-35 and I did make sure I had decent clothes and shoes, but I dedicated my life to helping other people. I didn't realize until recently that other people saw this and drew inspiration from it. That I helped them realize the goodness inside themselves and helped them reach a point in their lives where they wanted to become a better person, they took my life as an example. I am honored and blessed by this, and I think it is a glowing tribute to the person I have become, and shining memorial to the one I lost. But there's more to the story.
In January of 2005, almost 14 years after I was first diagnosed with cancer, which came in 1992 when I was 24 years old and 2 years my beautiful marine had died. I had to have the first of many surgeries which would change my life in another direction forever. This is when I had to have a colostomy put in, for those of you who don't know what a colostomy is, it is a bag that is attached to my stomach where my crap comes out. I know longer have the use of my rectum. But I digress, in January 2005 was the first time that I came face to face with my mortality and it was when God and I had our first talk. Whether you believe me or not, it really doesn't matter, because I believe what happened and that is what governs my life. I died on the operating table and I saw God or an Angel, and I had a long conversation with Him. I was told that my work on Earth was not done that there was a message that I needed to take back with me, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing but show the world by deed and action as well as through my dedication to helping others, the message was and still is very simple. I was told to tell everyone that they were wrong, had missed the point of what Jesus said and why He died and for the last 8 years I have been doing just that.
For whatever reason the church seems hung up on the Old Testament. They seem to have forgotten that when Jesus hung on the cross that something amazing and wonderful happened. The covenant between Abraham and God was broken, that the gulf created by original sin was now bridged and that a new covenant was created between Jesus and man, that we were no longer under the law, but saved by Grace. That our sins were washed away by the innocent blood of Christ. Now, under this new covenant Jesus had given His disciples 4 commandments. If we live by these and abide by them, then we are ensured a place in Heaven. Now, I tell you that the 10 commandments of the Old Testament are good to live by and they ensure you to be a good person, but they will not get you into Heaven, that boat sailed and has passed. Under the new covenant, is based on LOVE, the message of Christ is of LOVE, UNITY AND ACCEPTANCE. The commandments that are given are: Do unto others as you would have done unto you, love thy neighbor as thy self. All one commandment...second commandment is Children obey your parents so that your days will be many, third is I am the way the truth and the light and no one comes to the father except through me. I am the alpha and the omega the beginning and the end. Fourth is to go out and be fishers of men, meaning witness, testify, live your life as an example and be like Jesus.
It is important to understand these, because the message that the church is still sending out today is one of intolerance, bigotry and hatred. They condemn anyone who thinks or acts differently then they do. Jesus live a live of love, tolerance and acceptance, bringing unity to everywhere he went. He didn't hang out with the religious leaders, he ministered, preached and helped the common man, poor man, the outcast, the thief, prostitutes, etc. He treated everyone equally with love and respect and he expects nothing less of us today.
Even though I have been told time and again that I am not going to make it, that I am going to die and that having 6 terminal illnesses should be devastating for me. I keep replying and telling them, it isn't my time yet, I have work yet to do, and though you may think that I am going to die, the truth is that we are all dying at different rates each day. That I was planning on out living them all. See I know that since I have dedicated my life to helping others and giving of myself that God is going to continue to keep me and reward me, that is all that matters. So won't you join me on this journey, won't you turn over your life to helping others, give of yourself and spread the word of Love, Unity and Acceptance?
Think about it would you? If you honestly believe in God and trust that Jesus died for our sins, you will come to realize that the message is clear and plain for anyone to see. All you have to do is follow. He has been waiting right here for 2000 years few have found the message and the path. He said it was the road less traveled and that few would find the path and the gate.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, August 6, 2012
All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people
Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me. Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires. I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships. My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing. Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help. But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life. Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today. I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.
I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey. Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama. See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems. If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them. Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.
I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income. Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it. I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.
If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy. I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean. I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things. Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out. Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.
I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time. Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore. I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.
But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of. I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was. Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here. I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to. She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true. Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it. What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing. I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.
My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.
I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way. My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs. Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament. Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing. But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you. That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.
I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then. Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear it.
I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write. I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at. I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day. But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet. But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.
So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on. Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.
All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life. Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them. Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey. Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama. See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems. If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them. Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.
I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income. Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it. I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.
If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy. I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean. I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things. Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out. Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.
I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time. Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore. I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.
But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of. I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was. Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here. I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to. She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true. Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it. What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing. I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.
My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.
I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way. My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs. Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament. Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing. But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you. That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.
I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then. Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear it.
I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write. I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at. I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day. But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet. But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.
So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on. Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.
All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life. Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them. Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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