Life isn't always what it is cracked up to be. We can find ourselves in unfamiliar territory without any compass to guide us and our past experiences haven't prepared us for what we are facing. I have found myself in these types of situations recently, and I can report that from those experiences I have learned how not to handle them. What I have learned is that we need to take a step back and just see what the lay of the land is, and not react to the situation. You have to let it unfold around you, observe and try and make educated decisions, even if you have no reference points to guide you, the situation itself may provide you with enough information to help you navigate the rough waters that surround you.
I have also learned that nothing is perfect, that we need to accept the limitations of ourselves and our partners, and when new situations arise you need to stick together and work it out. Too often in today's society it is easier to throw in the towel and run away from the situations that you find yourself in. However, if you love someone, and you truly want to spend your life with them, you have to be willing to compromise. I have told you before that communication is the key to everything, but there is more to communicating then just talking about things, you have to take the time and really listen to your partner. You have to stop your tongue from engaging before you hear out the entire situation. It is important to realize that even though you have been doing things your way all your life, there may be an easier way to do it, or the way that you have been going about something has been totally wrong. Be open to try new things and listen intently, because as I said earlier everyone goes through things, and even though they maybe a little different, you can still benefit from their trials, lessons learned and mistakes.
I know this from recent experience, no relationship is perfect in every way, there are going to be arguments, there are going to be times when you want to shut down and close off from the other person, but there will also be time for you to talk about the situation, but you have to be willing to be open. This is often harder than you may think. Remember no one is perfect least of all you. I know we all have expectations and when your partner falls short or you do, it hurts. But I can tell you this, if you really love someone, you are willing to take the time and explore all options before you throw in the towel! You can survive anything together. Let me explain that some times there are going to be a needs or desires that you cannot fulfill for your partner or demands that life presents you with that you are not equipped to deal with. It is these times that you have to decide within yourself if you are strong enough to let your partner or life itself reach outside of you and your relationship to fulfill that need.
There are times when you have to be able to compromise come to an agreement and accept the limitations that life has dealt you. If you can do that and you can communicate effectively you might just be able to weather whatever storm life or relationships throw at you. I can speak with some certainty on this point. Another thing that I have come to understand over the past 2 months that I have been separated from you my readers is that we each have preconceived notions and expectations about relationships and we are easily disappointed and discouraged when things don't exactly work out as planned. However, it has become my understanding that we are given exactly what we need and can handle at those moments, it is how we deal with them as they arise that makes the difference. See, if everything was easy and perfect, there would be nothing to strive for or work towards. If everything was given to us exactly we wanted or expected we wouldn't be satisfied and we wouldn't value it or cherish it.
Life is unpredictable and will throw you some curves. There are going to be challenges, stresses and outside influences that are going to threaten you and your relationship. You have to be willing to face these challenges head on. You have to be willing to mitigate the risks and exposure that you allow into your relationship. There are so many people out there that are unhappy and they want everyone around them to be as unhappy as they are. These are the individuals that you don't need to have in your life or influencing your relationship. Nothing ever comes without work, and nothing is ever perfect. Remember, words are just words, yet they can cause hurts that never actually heal. They are just words, you have to look to the actions that surround those words to see if they have merit or meaning in your life or situation. I have told you before that in the heat of the moment anyone can say anything and they usually are hurtful. However, you have to take those times in perspective, as I have told you in the past, you have to judge the person by the way they have always acted and not by the outburst because the person is going to be the same as they have always been after they calm down and the incident has passed. In every argument there are two sides. Who is to say you are right and your partner is wrong, or whomever you are having a dispute with. Keep in mind that each person you encounter has their own personality, point of view and way of doing things, you have to be mature and willing enough to understand their motivations and try to comprehend what they are all about, if you do this you will be amazed at how those conflicts evaporate.
As with all things in life, when you have two or more individuals together you have to take into account that each person has had their own life experiences, encounters and been taught different ways to do things than you have. It is impossible for 2 people to have the same life lessons and experiences. Because neither of you are going to experience the same things in the same way even if you grew up together. We all process and deal with things in our own internal way. This is what makes it hard when two people come together and try to become a couple. It takes patience, understanding, compassion, caring and listening and hearing for it too work.
I am hoping that you will take away from this entry, is that no situation is ever going to perfect. That we can't expect others to live up to our expectations and that we can't handle everything by ourselves. By truly listening and hearing what others are telling us we can survive and thrive through any situation.
My hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for
On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide. Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others. In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide. Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry.
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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