Thursday, May 17, 2012

How would you feel if a parent is jealous of you?

When  you find out that the reason why someone treats you a certain way and you feel unfairly judged and nothing you do seems to be right in their eyes.  They find fault and criticize everything you do.  You find they don't see the person that you have become, and they focus solely on your faults. You feel they only tolerate you, they act like they are stuck with you.

Trust me I know the pain that you are feeling.  I understand how you work harder, longer and feel desperation because you have to prove yourself over and over again.  You long for them to see you for your merits , you want them to give you praise for your accomplishments, yet you are always disappointed at every turn. I know your despair when they look at you through those eyes of judgement and they only see you as a child.  The refuse to see you as a grown up, that you have matured and changed.  All they can see are the mistakes you have made in the past.  They hold those things against you.  They resist any suggestions you have, and seem to criticize any of your thoughts that differ from their opinion and dismiss your advice out of hand. I know the pain you feel is real, tangible and others can see that it is happening, when they try to make a stand for you, they are also dismissed without kind consideration.

Don't let their indifference weaken your resolve.  You need to continue to stand-up for yourself.  you need to be the bigger person.  Divorce yourself from the pain you feel, take a step back and look at the whole situation from a different perspective.  Don't take in the bitterness from their indifference, extend the hand of tolerance and friendship.  Mask your disappointment in humor and compassion.  But really look at the person with clear eyes.  Make sure you discard the useless emotions of anger, hurt and disappointment.  Buffer yourself in self-respect and confidence and the knowledge that you are so much more than they can see.  Embrace them with tolerance and understanding.

If you are able to separate yourself totally from the trappings of family and friendship; from the pain and agony it has caused you; and fend off the feelings of despair and failure.  You will find you have a new found vision and can see the situation from outside looking in.  Trust me you will also begin to notice they are jealous of you, they may resent you for all that you are and they may not even know they are doing it.

You see they do see you, they hide it in criticism and intolerance.  Because they see their own short comings and are trying to hide it from themselves and you.  Because you did and accomplished everything that they wanted too.  You succeeded, you overcame, and through it you become a better person.  They remain bitter and try to shrug off your accomplishments and in the process they alienate themselves from you.  I have experienced this first hand:  I alone accomplished and reached my goals.  I went to college, I had a very lucrative and successful career.  Had two houses, drove and expensive car.  Was well known and respected by my peers.  Officials and authority figures valued and asked my opinion on all types of situations.  I was an expert in my field and no one disputed the fact that I excelled and was good at my job.  I had made it.  I was somebody!

However, all of this has been tempered by being humbled, with the knowledge and understanding that easy come easy go.  See, I was at the height of my career, was proud of where I came from and how I had made it there by myself.  When it was all taken away.  Cancer crept in , my health declined and I wasn't able to do my job any more, money quickly faded and cars and houses were lost but I survived it all.  I persevered and made it through, and through it all I learned a great deal of things the least of which was tolerance and understanding.  Now, I understand why I am treated the way I have been,I can excuse the actions, the looks given, and ignore the cruel and biting words that are spoken.  Because they are not given out of love, but out of disappointment and jealousy within them. I now understand why they can't see the adult I have become, why they treat me like I am still a teenager.

I also have begun to recognize their own unhappiness and short comings with themselves, it has become easier to hear the disappointment in their voice when addressing me, all because they never managed to get halfway to where I am at.  I see the scorn and disdain they openly display as a defense against my spirit, drive and ambition.  I see through their cold criticism hiding their admiration and painful longing. It is evident in their eyes that can't be hidden to those on the outside looking in.  Trust me when you get to this point you will know you have arrived.  You are a doer, and an achiever, you are changing the world.

So put away your sadness, despair and disappointment, put forth a renewed effort of understanding and compassion.  Tell yourself that enough is enough, it is time for the other to grow up.  Life is too short you must remain steadfast in your resolve, bolster your self-esteem in your accomplishments. Stay true to your heart and compassionate in your convictions, cover your hurt and disappointment in love, and persevere.  You are leaving your legacy behind you and be comforted in your knowledge that a piece of you will continue to live on in the world way after you are gone.  You know what are about and what you are doing, be not dismayed because eventually they will too and will be proud of you even if you are not around to see it anymore.

As always all my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B