Wednesday, May 30, 2012

You know what my biggest fear is?

I think my biggest fear is not being able to live my life as a gay man anymore.  Coupled with that is the fear that I will always be alone.  This maybe the reason why I am desperately clinging to my past and hoping beyond hope that I will get back together with one of my ex's. You see in the gay community there is still a stigma associated with being HIV +, and if you date someone that isn't positive like you there are another whole set of complications that come from that.

Yet, with all of that already going on in my head, I also have the problem of having a colostomy, meaning I have a bag that I use the bathroom through.  Which I am embarrassed by, try to hide with an ace bandage under my clothing, and yet I end up always telling prospective people about the cancer and the bag, because I don't want there to be any surprises.  Which is actually easier to talk to about then my HIV status, and yet I wonder why.  I believe the main reason is because I am afraid to be rejected by someone who isn't positive, or the fact that I am will send them packing way before anything real can develop.  This is probably why I feel more comfortable with people I have already dated and have spent time with, they know me and have been through my problems and have accepted me as I am.

Honestly, I am not sure with all of the problems I am going through with my health that I will ever be able to find another man that is going to be able to accept me the way I am currently.  Back in 2006 and 2007 when I first had the surgery that put in the colostomy I suffered from a deep abiding depression that I thought I had finally gotten over.  But it seems years later that nagging fear is still deep inside of me. There is one person that I have super strong feelings for, but I don't know how he feels about me.  Also there is another person that I dated for a couple of months last year that I care about, but there seems to be a problem there. I feel like he only calls me or wants to have anything to do with me so I can help him with his problems.  Maybe that isn't fair, but it is how I feel sometimes.

The person who I know that I love is someone that came into my life as a trick and we never asked each other out it just sort of happened and we were together 2 1/2 years, we went through some pretty tough things together, and when we parted it was because of other people coming in between us.  Looking back almost every single argument and fight we had was over someone else, never about us.  Even though some terrible things have happened between us we have somehow remained friends and have over come it all.  He is still the person I turn to when I need advice and he is the person who I keep telling that our story isn't finished yet.  See, even with all of my faults he was with me, he stuck with me when I was ill, and he didn't seem to mind me having the bag.  No matter what happened between us there was never a night when we didn't tell each other that we loved each other.  He was also the first person to introduce me to all of his friends as his partner and lover. He wasn't ashamed of me or what I did.  Even though we are pretty far away, he has made time to talk with me and listen to what has been happening in my life, and I have with him.

As I am sitting here thinking about all of this and him, I wonder why I am not depressed at all.  Being diagnosed with 6 terminal illnesses and having a terrible prognosis what bothers me is not being sick but about being a broken gay man. So broken that I might have to forgo ever being in a relationship, that illness doesn't even begin to keep me awake at night.  I guess this is not normal behavior, so why am I not depressed?   What is keeping me afloat?  Maybe it is the fact I write about what I am feeling, and I take the time out to listen to my friends and their problems, take time to offer advice, and I am trying to make a difference in the world and helping others like myself.

So I may have a rational fear, one that is so tangible that sometimes it creeps up when I least expect it, I don't let it paralyze me or let it drive me to despair and depression.  I keep myself busy and I try to write about my feelings.  Here is my one wish if I could be granted one before I move on to another plane, would be to know true love and experience all that it means. I just don't want to die alone and never know what true and lasting love really is.  It really is unfortunate, that my ex and I didn't last, because the honest to God truth is this that we were both so hi all the time that neither of us experienced real passion and romance.  I would love to have another opportunity to show him, that I am different and that I still have feeling for him.  I know he still has feelings for me, but because of circumstances and distance I don't know if we will ever get back together.

If you are feeling anything like me at this moment, please don't waste time and keep your feelings lock deep inside of you.  Please do us both a favor, reach out and let the other person know how you feel.  Trust me it is never too late!  If you are HIV Positive please be responsible and let your partner know your status, and though there might be social stigmas associated about being POS trust me if you don't go out and try and if you stay locked inside yourself with depression and fear how will you ever meet anyone.

Hopefully this helped someone, I know it helped me by getting it out there.  Keep in mind that each of us have a social responsibility to ourselves and our partners to disclose and discuss everything. Having an open communication line is the key to a successful and workable relationship.

As all ways my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B