Monday, April 30, 2012

What do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a huge heart and I am always trying to help another person.  But what do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?  They don't contribute to the household or even work?  This is actually a tough question and one that sometimes you cannot see when you are in the situation.  However, what I have found is that these people may claim that they are your friend, they may even have good intentions, but they are disappointing and fail to deliver.  No matter how many times you give them a chance they continue to remain the same.

An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta.  I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too.  One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.

It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything.  I was beginning to feel distinctly used.  I actually didn't know what to do at this point.  They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher.  What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.

But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far.  That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love.  This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right.  Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose.  You must let them go.  If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."

This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry.  But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you.  Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.

Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same.  Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change.  This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended.  Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness.  Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way.  A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring.  They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.

I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.

So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.

As always give me your thoughts and feedback.  Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.

Uncle B