Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a huge heart and I am always trying to help another person.  But what do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?  They don't contribute to the household or even work?  This is actually a tough question and one that sometimes you cannot see when you are in the situation.  However, what I have found is that these people may claim that they are your friend, they may even have good intentions, but they are disappointing and fail to deliver.  No matter how many times you give them a chance they continue to remain the same.

An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta.  I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too.  One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.

It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything.  I was beginning to feel distinctly used.  I actually didn't know what to do at this point.  They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher.  What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.

But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far.  That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love.  This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right.  Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose.  You must let them go.  If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."

This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry.  But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you.  Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.

Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same.  Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change.  This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended.  Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness.  Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way.  A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring.  They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.

I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.

So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.

As always give me your thoughts and feedback.  Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.

Uncle B