Every year after the Holiday's the nation goes through a huge merchandise return period, followed by the yearly let down that people begin to feel as their family and friends leave and head home. Refrigerators are filled with leftovers and the nation goes through a period of feeling bloated and wishing that they hadn't over eaten.
This yearly cycle starts right around Thanksgiving and goes pretty much up till New Years. Every year we go through the motions of stating our New Year's resolutions and for some of us we struggle for months trying to keep them. Some give up in a day or two, others try to keep up with them longer, but eventually they are usually all broken by June.
I didn't have any big expectations for this year at Christmas, my partner was in Jail and I was spending the holiday's with my two best friends and called all my family and friends that I could think of. But other than that I just wanted a quiet time to myself and read my books then deal with a lot of people filled with cheer and gift giving.
Unfortunately, things don't always pan out as they are planned, I had thought that I would have enough money to pay my phone bill this week and keep it from getting shut off, but unfortunately, my funding fell through and it looks like my phones are going to end up being turned off till I get paid on the 3rd of January.
This put's a wrinkle in my plans in keeping in touch with my partner. It also limits me on some of my other plans that I had going on for the end of the year. But in the end everything is going to be alright eventually. I am not too worried at this moment. I am trying to get things situated to so that I can move into a new place after the first of the year. I am hoping that with all my planning and working through Miracle of Love to get into a very nice place works out smoothly so that by the time the dust settles and the partner is home that the new place is ready to move into.
I have also taken this time this holiday season to apply at Lyft and Uber trying to drive with one of them. Unfortunately, my background check came back with some issues and I had to send in to get them disputed and corrected. So I am back in the waiting phase for that. I have also put in my application to AT&T through Spring Mobile who I used to work for in Jacksonville and I am hoping that I hear something back about going back to work for them. I really enjoyed my position in Jacksonville and I have been trying to get back in with them since they let me go due to faulty information that they pulled during my background check.
All in all the new year is looking much better and more hopeful then 2018 did. Yet, with the holiday let down and my mood being all over the place, I have been strolling down memory lane lately and going through old posts and pictures from Facebook and Twitter and other areas of my life. I started reaching out to people from my past trying to rekindle lost friendships and relationships along the way. I think that getting back in touch with people that have meant something to me in the past is an important part of how I am going to move forward. Now that I am 50 I realize that I am missing out on a lot of their lives and I feel alone at times.
For the most part the contact has been positive and well received and I am looking forward to what the future may bring with the coming months and even years as we progress on a new journey of friendship and companionship. I look forward to reaching people who from my distant past seemed to have drifted away and I haven't heard from in years. We will see if things pan out the way I hope and pray they will.
Don't let the post party let down get to you. Don't feel like you have screwed up irreparably your diet because you indulged during your family gatherings, you have a whole year to lose those pounds that you have gained. Family and friends are just a call or text away, and you can stay in touch with them easier now more than ever. With technology the way it is today there should be no reason why you can't keep in touch with those that are important to you. Life is full of unexpected moments and we need to realize and take advantage of them as they happen.
The year is winding down and things are finally drawing to a close for 2018. It is time to start looking forward to 2019 and all the excitement and adventures that it will bring to your life. Forget about everything that you went through in 2018 because it is over and done now and can't be changed even if you wanted to. That is what is funny about the past it is the only thing that is set in stone and can't be changed! The future is fluid and elastic and isn't written till you stumble through it. We don't even know that we are in it till it is past. Because the present is constantly changing and fluxing as we make decisions. Our feet may be on the path, but until you take a step the present doesn't change to the past. Just think about it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Nothing prepares us for the future
My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday. A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach. Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time. That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines. I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future. It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time. Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it. I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Disappointments
Disappointments should be nothing new to me. I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now. Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time. I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip. Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options. I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon. Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside, I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction. I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend. A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent. This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Journey Forbidden
The past four years have been difficult and interesting to say the least. I've been evicted from 4 different homes lived on the street twice, during the past two years. I don't know if it's me or the journey I'm on or if it's a combination of things but it's not what I want. I know that I'm not happy, I know that my health has suffered. And that I need a stable environment where I can rest my head.
As the new year 2018 begins I hope to make a new resolution where I am the focus and everyone else takes second place. This will be a first for me, as I have taken care of so many people in the past that it has become a part of my nature to feel the need to take care of others. Yet, as I look back at 2016 and 2017 it pains me to realize that I have put others before me at Great cost to myself and I've lost everything repeatedly. If I was going to do this why am I not at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. Today is a turning point as I realize yet once again how alone I am against the world. Many times I have asked myself when will there be someone who wants to take care of me. When will the person emerge that loves me as much as I love them? The person who can accept my shortcomings as well as my strengths? I had my hopes and expectations raised yesterday only to have them dashed once again by refusal to come with me. For me to yet once again stand alone when all I had hoped for was someone to stand beside me.
All I can tell you is that I put myself in this position. I put myself in love with someone who doesn't care as much about me as I do them he doesn't want to be with me he would rather take time off from the relationship then work on it. Yet he tells me I'm the one who ran away rather than face my problems. Actuality what I was trying to do was get away from being on the street to become stable and productive and create a new beginning for the relationship. This is the first time in 4 years that I ever put myself before the other person but it felt good for me to do something for myself for a change.
By no means am I saying I'm easy to get along with or I'm easy to live with. As a matter of fact I know I'm set in my ways I'm almost 50 and the person that I was seeing is half my age maybe that's where the problem lies, he still wants to party and do things for himself. I'm looking to build a relationship and a future for myself and another person. Maybe he is right maybe we do need to get away from one another for awhile and see what the future holds in store.
Though I find myself once again in the strange and perilous position. There is someone who has shown interest in me, someone who likes me for who I am and wants to be with me. Here's the truth of the situation, I want to better myself, I want to make sure that I don't end up exactly where I have been. I don't want to settle for anything. I don't want to be around all the drugs and the people whom I got away from. Many of those people helped me to the streets, they took advantage of my kindness and goodness and took what they could and left me to fend for myself broken and penniless.
It is time for me to be happy, time for me to focus on me. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship where there is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who really wants to be with me and see me succeed. Someone on whom I can put absolute trust. But, I am scared that this person doesn't exist. That I am kidding myself and setting myself up to be hurt once again. This is my forbidden journey, to explore and find that one soul that completes my own. To know true happiness.
I have worked and struggled all my life. I have watched everything I built come crumbling down around my ears as the years passed by and the cancer remained. It has been 26 long years and I am extremely weary of the struggle and the fight. But, here I am once again pouring my heart out wanting what I have never once found. I have thought I found it in the past. Spent years trying to make things work trying to create my ideal when it may not exist anywhere but in my mind.
Relationships are full of compromises. They are an agreement between two individuals traveling in similar directions to stand together as one and fight and build something together. If there is any hesitation, doubt, fear or other impediment the progress and the union will become unstable and falter. Just as in a fight it takes two, so does a relationship. No more than two and no less. Anymore cause rifts and currents that pull and tear at the foundation and less then two is an individual. I am ready for a real relationship.
You want a chance I am willing to give it but don't screw it up because I am not sure that my heart can take another break. The last person I gave a chance to let me walk away. I came back to get them and they made excuses why they couldn't come. Now, when they have no where else to turn they look for me to come and help yet the help was just there yesterday and they let me go once again. They want me to bring them here this weekend when I offered tomorrow or Friday. What is two more days going to do for them? Will they really be ready then. I don't think so. They are not wanting to stay with my friends who have graciously opened up their home to give us a place to stay. Who are willing to give us time and space to get ourselves together before we have to go off on our own. But he is insistent that he doesn't want to and can't live with other people right now. When I told him that my friend Travis was in the car he didn't want to go out and even meet him. This hurt me.
So I hope that he reads this that he sees what has happened and finally figures out what he wants and needs for himself.
But as for my wants and needs. I want it all. I want everything
I want love, passion, compassion. I want the kissing, hugging, cuddling and most of all I want to be finally happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for at the end of this forbidden journey.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. May you love hard, laugh often and live fully for life is too short .
Uncle B
Friday, February 19, 2016
Unexpected news and uncertain revelations
Well 2016 is well underway and we have all made it through the first month and a half and seem to still be chugging along. For now that is! Just when you think things can't get any worse something creeps up from the shadows of the past and hits you squarely in the head.
The past 5 years haven't been very kind to me or my health and I am always surprised when I think I have something licked and it turns out to just be a recurring item in my bizarre and strange world. I have known for a very long time that my body has a different notion of living than my mind does. My mind doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with me physically and my body seems to take pleasure in revealing at the most in appropriate times that the mind is lying to me. It seems almost like a dream now that I suffered from near catastrophic paralysis just 2 years ago when my spinal column was invaded by a nasty bacterial infection. Oh I made it through that lovely situation by living in a nursing home/rehabilitation center, months and months of therapy and intravenous drugs and slowly I recovered. Not fully, my strength never seemed to come back from that and the pain in my spine has never really gone away.
But nothing had prepared me for the news that I received this morning. Nothing could have at all!!
For those of you my faithful friends and followers that have been going through this journey with me you will see that no matter how many things change in ones life, there are just as many things that remain the same. When I got sick with my back trouble in 2014 my mother was going through something very similar. I got better, I can still walk and use my legs and my spine seems to be fusing at right locations to eventually lead to a full recovery. My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky her doctors operated where my did not. My mother never walked out of that hospital, she was irreversibly paralyzed from the waist down. Damage to her spinal cord has made it impossible for her to walk and has dramatically changed her life. Tuesday she was supposed to go to the doctors about pain that she had been experiencing in her feet and she was hospitalized all over again. I found out this morning when I called her that she is also suffering acute renal failure, something that I am all too familiar with. Since I suffer from it constantly since my initial colon surgery in 2005. Yet, this was not the only thing that my mother was told she was told that the infection in her back is back and that she also has a lump in her breast which appears to be at this point cancerous. Now, please understand that I have known that my mother was experiencing problems that I could not even begin to imagine, but somehow I have always thought that my parents were invincible and that I would be the one that would leave the earth before them. Now, I am not so sure of that anymore and I am scared and worried about my mother.
But that wasn't all the news that I received today that has given me pause and the need to reflect. See the results of my test have come back as well and what I thought was just a benign growth on my right kidney has turned out to be a whole other creature indeed. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to have surgery that the tumor has grown vastly in just a few months time and now cancer threatens my entire core being once again. Funny just a few short months ago I was given a totally different outlook on my health and wellbeing by the very same doctors that are now telling me that my situation has turned from serious to grave.
Funny using that word to describe a state for which I have been preparing for since 1991. Since June of 1991 I have known that my health had taken a turn for the serious and that I would forever after have a complicated life ahead of me. But the Grace of God has seen fit to give me a pass for a very long time and has allowed me to share my life with many people that would have never had the chance to get to know me had I died all those years ago. Life hasn't been easy and at times I have feared for it, yet somehow I knew that my time and usefulness hadn't come to end. I felt that there were many things that I needed to do and say before I could finish what I had started here on Earth with my birth. So when the doctors told me this news that they were going to have to go in and despite them repeatedly telling me that I would not endure any more surgeries that my body had gone through enough and simply couldn't recover. What am I supposed to think and do now?
I do not fear death as I thought I might, I just don't feel like dying, I am selfish I guess because I want to live. I want to accomplish a few more things before I have to say good bye to this world. However, with the doctors not giving me much hope on this front anymore, I am just wondering how I am going to tell all the people that I love and who love me that I may not be seeing them anymore. I have lost so many people along the way to this point in my life. People who I felt deserved a more full and better life than I did. Yet, for whatever reason God chose them to come home and left me here to carry on. I knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right and that I probably wouldn't make it to my 50th birthday, but I thought as we all do that I would have more time. I am not afraid for myself, because I know that I am about to start a new adventure in a totally different way, I am scared for you those I leave behind in this world that has gone crazy, where total direction and certainty of our entire nation is left in the balance of chance and fate. This election year is shaping up in the most uncanny way, people don't recall history very well at all...Barry Goldwater entered into an election that was rudimentary and fundamentally the same as what is happening now. Untraconservative and Socialist squaring off. Both sides of the parties one so far right and the other so far left are going to cause such an unstable rift in our political landscape that our Nation will not recover fully from it this time.
The world is changing, governments have come and gone and yet the same old bigotry, hate and intolerance survives in the world. I have tried my entire life to bring hope and joy to those around me. I was successful a great many of those times, but there have been other times when I have failed utterly and miserably. I take what I have and what I have been given and I give without failing to those I see in need. My help is never enough but it is always on time. I am leaving this world without a legacy, I don't know who will be crazy enough to give as much as I do, so I don't know what is going to happen from here forward. All I know is that I still love each and everyone of you, there are others with my family name that will carry forth that love after I am gone. They don't know you, and some have never met me, I am sure they all know of me and who I am, but I have lived a life of my own choosing and I know that my death is going to come before any of us are prepared. I just know that time is running out and the my race is no longer important.
So in a flash just like that branch of the family tree that I am apart of seems to be about to disappear shortly and irrevocably forever.
To the rest of the Zepp clan, I stand in awe and amazement of where and how we all started and I am thankful that I was apart of your family. Many of you have accomplished some very amazing things and have overcome so much hardship and turmoil to get to where you are today. But you all have become successful in all your endeavors and have created something that is going to last way after you are gone. I unfortunately was not so lucky, there are many that will remember me in there hearts and minds fondly. But my choices and path have left no one and nothing. I have no children, I only have you my family and I hope that you remember me as I was a kind and gentle person who loved to help others.
I may not make it through the surgery and the treatments that are coming faster than a speeding bullet. My mother might not make it through her treatments and surgeries that are heading her way. So we are preparing you, making sure you are ready to LIVE! Because life is a banquet and there are too many people starving out there. So be true to yourselves and love each other and go forth into the world and make a difference.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
The past 5 years haven't been very kind to me or my health and I am always surprised when I think I have something licked and it turns out to just be a recurring item in my bizarre and strange world. I have known for a very long time that my body has a different notion of living than my mind does. My mind doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with me physically and my body seems to take pleasure in revealing at the most in appropriate times that the mind is lying to me. It seems almost like a dream now that I suffered from near catastrophic paralysis just 2 years ago when my spinal column was invaded by a nasty bacterial infection. Oh I made it through that lovely situation by living in a nursing home/rehabilitation center, months and months of therapy and intravenous drugs and slowly I recovered. Not fully, my strength never seemed to come back from that and the pain in my spine has never really gone away.
But nothing had prepared me for the news that I received this morning. Nothing could have at all!!
For those of you my faithful friends and followers that have been going through this journey with me you will see that no matter how many things change in ones life, there are just as many things that remain the same. When I got sick with my back trouble in 2014 my mother was going through something very similar. I got better, I can still walk and use my legs and my spine seems to be fusing at right locations to eventually lead to a full recovery. My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky her doctors operated where my did not. My mother never walked out of that hospital, she was irreversibly paralyzed from the waist down. Damage to her spinal cord has made it impossible for her to walk and has dramatically changed her life. Tuesday she was supposed to go to the doctors about pain that she had been experiencing in her feet and she was hospitalized all over again. I found out this morning when I called her that she is also suffering acute renal failure, something that I am all too familiar with. Since I suffer from it constantly since my initial colon surgery in 2005. Yet, this was not the only thing that my mother was told she was told that the infection in her back is back and that she also has a lump in her breast which appears to be at this point cancerous. Now, please understand that I have known that my mother was experiencing problems that I could not even begin to imagine, but somehow I have always thought that my parents were invincible and that I would be the one that would leave the earth before them. Now, I am not so sure of that anymore and I am scared and worried about my mother.
But that wasn't all the news that I received today that has given me pause and the need to reflect. See the results of my test have come back as well and what I thought was just a benign growth on my right kidney has turned out to be a whole other creature indeed. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to have surgery that the tumor has grown vastly in just a few months time and now cancer threatens my entire core being once again. Funny just a few short months ago I was given a totally different outlook on my health and wellbeing by the very same doctors that are now telling me that my situation has turned from serious to grave.
Funny using that word to describe a state for which I have been preparing for since 1991. Since June of 1991 I have known that my health had taken a turn for the serious and that I would forever after have a complicated life ahead of me. But the Grace of God has seen fit to give me a pass for a very long time and has allowed me to share my life with many people that would have never had the chance to get to know me had I died all those years ago. Life hasn't been easy and at times I have feared for it, yet somehow I knew that my time and usefulness hadn't come to end. I felt that there were many things that I needed to do and say before I could finish what I had started here on Earth with my birth. So when the doctors told me this news that they were going to have to go in and despite them repeatedly telling me that I would not endure any more surgeries that my body had gone through enough and simply couldn't recover. What am I supposed to think and do now?
I do not fear death as I thought I might, I just don't feel like dying, I am selfish I guess because I want to live. I want to accomplish a few more things before I have to say good bye to this world. However, with the doctors not giving me much hope on this front anymore, I am just wondering how I am going to tell all the people that I love and who love me that I may not be seeing them anymore. I have lost so many people along the way to this point in my life. People who I felt deserved a more full and better life than I did. Yet, for whatever reason God chose them to come home and left me here to carry on. I knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right and that I probably wouldn't make it to my 50th birthday, but I thought as we all do that I would have more time. I am not afraid for myself, because I know that I am about to start a new adventure in a totally different way, I am scared for you those I leave behind in this world that has gone crazy, where total direction and certainty of our entire nation is left in the balance of chance and fate. This election year is shaping up in the most uncanny way, people don't recall history very well at all...Barry Goldwater entered into an election that was rudimentary and fundamentally the same as what is happening now. Untraconservative and Socialist squaring off. Both sides of the parties one so far right and the other so far left are going to cause such an unstable rift in our political landscape that our Nation will not recover fully from it this time.
The world is changing, governments have come and gone and yet the same old bigotry, hate and intolerance survives in the world. I have tried my entire life to bring hope and joy to those around me. I was successful a great many of those times, but there have been other times when I have failed utterly and miserably. I take what I have and what I have been given and I give without failing to those I see in need. My help is never enough but it is always on time. I am leaving this world without a legacy, I don't know who will be crazy enough to give as much as I do, so I don't know what is going to happen from here forward. All I know is that I still love each and everyone of you, there are others with my family name that will carry forth that love after I am gone. They don't know you, and some have never met me, I am sure they all know of me and who I am, but I have lived a life of my own choosing and I know that my death is going to come before any of us are prepared. I just know that time is running out and the my race is no longer important.
So in a flash just like that branch of the family tree that I am apart of seems to be about to disappear shortly and irrevocably forever.
To the rest of the Zepp clan, I stand in awe and amazement of where and how we all started and I am thankful that I was apart of your family. Many of you have accomplished some very amazing things and have overcome so much hardship and turmoil to get to where you are today. But you all have become successful in all your endeavors and have created something that is going to last way after you are gone. I unfortunately was not so lucky, there are many that will remember me in there hearts and minds fondly. But my choices and path have left no one and nothing. I have no children, I only have you my family and I hope that you remember me as I was a kind and gentle person who loved to help others.
I may not make it through the surgery and the treatments that are coming faster than a speeding bullet. My mother might not make it through her treatments and surgeries that are heading her way. So we are preparing you, making sure you are ready to LIVE! Because life is a banquet and there are too many people starving out there. So be true to yourselves and love each other and go forth into the world and make a difference.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Open a new window via technology of today.
In a world that has grown so cold and impersonal it is funny how we go about making friends these days. When I was young we met new people at school, the library, roller rink, and other events which required us to meet that person directly face to face and in person. Today, with the advent of computers and the evolution of software to create social media has changed the world in many ways. One of which is how we meet and interact with people. With the internet and then social media barriers and borders were crossed and people started to communicate with people all across the world. No longer did it actually matter where you lived physically you could and do meet them virtually.
There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up. But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to? See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.
What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face? Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line? Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people. Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to? Is that really a current picture of him? Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear? Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself. What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?
I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics. They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you. Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them. They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart. There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.
I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see. That way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time. They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper. I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.
But I was cautious when I met him. He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando. The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along. John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room. However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong. Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other. John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time. Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came. Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like. I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together. My dream was coming true.
But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then. Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web. Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook. Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born. It is the virtual relationship or friendship. However, somethings get lost in translation. You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message. You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.
I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe. Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way. At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation. I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.
Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone. You are beginning to think that you are really into this person. They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like. Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like. But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face. 9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate. Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.
You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this. For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society. One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing. Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice. You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside. Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one. But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge. Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.
There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either. Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything. I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them. Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset. Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected. Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around. Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them? The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.
I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations. You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit. You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another. Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night. You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other. Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with you and that you have each others backs. Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.
Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where. Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call. Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry. I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.
Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up. But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to? See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.
What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face? Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line? Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people. Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to? Is that really a current picture of him? Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear? Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself. What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?
I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics. They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you. Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them. They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart. There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.
I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see. That way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time. They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper. I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.
But I was cautious when I met him. He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando. The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along. John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room. However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong. Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other. John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time. Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came. Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like. I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together. My dream was coming true.
But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then. Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web. Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook. Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born. It is the virtual relationship or friendship. However, somethings get lost in translation. You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message. You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.
I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe. Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way. At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation. I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.
Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone. You are beginning to think that you are really into this person. They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like. Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like. But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face. 9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate. Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.
You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this. For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society. One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing. Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice. You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside. Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one. But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge. Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.
There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either. Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything. I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them. Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset. Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected. Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around. Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them? The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.
I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations. You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit. You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another. Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night. You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other. Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with you and that you have each others backs. Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.
Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where. Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call. Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry. I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.
Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, November 4, 2013
Holding patterns
Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough. That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change. You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new. But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all. There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit. Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that. See most of you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues. At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments. To just say enough is enough!
You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone. I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take??? The answer is a lot! I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die. That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it. So once again into the fray I go. But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done. If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life. Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up. Yet, here we are, there is still more too come, but I am ready for it. The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.
I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that. See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself. Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern. It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them. There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat. But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.
Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year. There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed. Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have. I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body. Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.
I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand. Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe. Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress. So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be. So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.
So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on. That is what has happened to me. Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone. I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take??? The answer is a lot! I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die. That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it. So once again into the fray I go. But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done. If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life. Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up. Yet, here we are, there is still more too come, but I am ready for it. The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.
I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that. See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself. Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern. It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them. There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat. But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.
Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year. There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed. Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have. I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body. Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.
I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand. Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe. Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress. So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be. So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.
So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on. That is what has happened to me. Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Advice to a friend
What I would like for you to take away from this is that everyone is struggling these days, there isn't a whole lot of money to go around and we have to make smart educated choices so that we can make the most out of the money we do have at our disposal. My friend's father sent her an email the other day when she asked him for help with money and bills. Here is the letter that he wrote to her and my response. I would like to see what you think of the advice both her father and I gave her.
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
Please keep in mind that what your Dad said was given out of pure love and total honesty. I know that what he said hurts and makes you want to dig in harder to just prove him wrong. But on the off chance that he is right are you prepared to face the consequences?
You have to keep in mind that every choice or action we choose that there is a direct and dire reward/consequence we have to accept for them. Now, your father gave you two options but there are actually quite a bit more that might be open too you depending on the situation. There is one thing that will change depending on staying in Cali or returning to GA, which is residency. This is a major thing as far as school is concerned. If you were to go back to GA you could enroll and start school without any waiting, you can take out the maximum amount of financial aid each semester and have enough money for books and tuition plus living expenses. You would also qualify for either student housing on or off campus at a much reduced price to accommodate the amount you would get in financial aid. I am only putting this out there because I know what you are trying to accomplish you and I have talked about this. (Remember I was the Financial Aid Director at American InterContinental University in Atlanta for several years).
If you stay in Cali you have to wait till you become a resident to qualify for instate tuition and the extra tacked on for being an out of state transfer student would eat up any of the extra funding you would get for housing. In Atlanta you wouldn't have that extra tacked on. The second option that your father gave you was the Military any branch of service. Now it is true that you would have to complete your basic training (boot camp) and your first series of schools before being sent to your duty station. However, that is education that is worth something to you. For several reasons and let me explain why....not only will it give you job skills that you can and will use in the course of your military career, it also will give you real world practical experience and will help you when you get out and are looking for work. But the other side of that coin is all military training is worth college credit hours too you and can be applied to any school that you want them too. You only have to wait a total of 9 months (approximately some training is more and some less in the military) before you are sent to your first duty station. Once you are assigned a duty station and have reported. You will probably need to take a bit of time and get used to your duty schedule and rotation. Once you have that under your belt and know when and what you are going to be doing. You can apply to a College in the area in which you are stationed. You can apply your military work toward college credit and be that much further ahead in your degree work, it also primes you for going into the Officer Candidacy program...more pay, better benefits and choice duty stations while you are in the military. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do both at the same time.
Now here are some other things to consider. You just graduated High School in June right? You haven't been out of school that long, you have accomplished a lot. You have gotten yourself all the way to California, got a place to stay and are doing okay for yourself. Money is tight an you are struggling, and are having a problem finding jobs. Am I correct in those assumptions so far?
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
2 other possibilities remain, now keep in mind any of the things that I am writing to you about can happen in GA or CA it doesn't matter you qualify for the help. You can also check out JobCorp, a lot of people think they only help with High School and practical training. JobCorp also has college type of campuses so you can check them out. You can also check out the Vocational Rehabilitation program and see if you qualify. You may not because you haven't been out of work for a year, but you never know till you try. The other thing that you need to check into is working for some temporary agencies. I am sure that you can find a good job with one of those. I know I did when I first started out. I got so good at typing I can type 65 words a minute on a good keyboard. I know Microsoft office products like the back of my hand and a whole bunch of other stuff...i just went into a temporary agency applied and kept taking their tests till I was good enough to pass them and before you know it I was making 10 to 15 dollars an hour.
I am not telling you to give up your hopes and dreams. I am not telling you that you should go back to GA. I want you to make that decision on your own. But I also want you to be honest with yourself and try like I have told you to change your perspective and look at the situation from every possible angle with logic and not emotion. I want you to realize that what your daddy said was done out of love and concern for you and your welfare and not out of a genuine desire to not help you. He wants to set you up for success and keep you from failing. If you stay in CA you maybe just setting yourself up for failure because before you have even started anything, job, school or anything else you are already burdened down with debt...That can truly keep you behind the 8 ball and keep you from succeeding. Once you fall behind you stay behind, retreating and regrouping is a common strategy used by the military and it works. It gives you the resources close at hand to journey back out and attack with full force. You can only attack with half force if you are divided by financial concerns. Just keep that in mind.
Whatever way you decide to go there are many more options than the ones presented here, you just have to change your perception and perspective enough to see all the different possibilities. Because there are an infinite number, you just have to see them to be able to make an informed choice. Because you don't want to pay for a bad choice later.
I would like to put this in my blog for today if you don't mind. I would like to use what your dad wrote to you from your post and my response to you if you wouldn't mind. Let me know please! I think what you are going through a lot of other young people are also struggling with and this could help them to look at their situation and make informed choices.
Each of us makes decisions and choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes it is hard for younger people to understand that, they haven't experienced enough of life yet. But as I keep telling everyone, there are more solutions than just two. For every problem there is an infinite number of solutions and that makes for a lot of different possibilities. We have to be able to make rational and realistic evaluations of the problem to come up with workable solutions. I talked to my friend today and she has decided to take a combination of what her dad and I advised her to do and came up with a really workable solution and a sound plan of action which should work out very well for her.
All it takes is looking at the problem from all different angles, change that perception and perspective and see it for what it really is.
Here is what she decided to do: No a matter of fact now that I think about it I'm going to do all three...go to Savannah state to build up my college credits then transfer if into the military ..Then get a job down there and save up my money as well for back up and emergencies
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, October 20, 2012
You know secrets come with a price, they aren't free not now not ever!
You know we have been talking a lot about life and relationships, but have you ever thought what the cost of a secret does to the relationship? See it is true that secrets and lies are not free, they come with a cost, not only to you, but to the ones you love and the ones you are trying to protect. With lies and secrets comes a certain air of mistrust and that puts a strain on the relationship. You can't expect someone to trust you if there is something in the way of that trust and that is what secrets are. When you are secretive you start acting a certain way and others can tell that you are hiding something. They begin to wonder what it is that you don't want them too know. From there leads to speculation and ultimately they begin to doubt everything you are saying to them. Curiosity is a trait that is not only confined to cats you know, human curiosity is something that never ceases. Why do you think mystery novels are so popular. Everyone loves a good mystery and they try to figure it out way before they ever know the whole plot.
Try to keep in mind that secrets have a toll on you too, they add stress and worry to your life, and once you start keeping them either by hiding them with lies or by silence, it starts to truly add weight on your shoulders. Once you start telling lies you have to keep telling them in order to keep them hidden. It becomes a never ending task and sooner or later someone is going to catch you at it. When they do there goes the trust that you have built up with them. Life is too short to have secrets and lies in your life. Especially if you are in a relationship. How can a person really know you if you are keeping things back from them. As I have always told you communication is the key and honesty is what is important. Being honest not only to your loved ones and family, but you always need to be totally honest with yourself. I know sometimes it seems easier to rationalize and lie to yourself, but at the end of the day you know what really happened and no matter how many lies you tell yourself it is not going to change the situation.
That is another thing about hiding the truth and lies, it ties you to them. How can you move forward if you are carrying around baggage of the past? Lies and secrets keep you firmly rooted to a story that just isn't true and you continually are brought back to it. You have to keep covering it up, and like I said lies upon lies is like building a house of cards, sooner or later one wrong move is going to bring the whole thing crashing down on you. Again, for your own peace of mind and that of the ones you care about you need to put everything out in the open. If you do that you will find that there is less stress in your life, and that if you stick together you can overcome any obstacle. Like they say 2 heads are better than one. Don't isolate yourself and keep yourself from truly experiencing love with another person because of lies. Secrets and lies are the same thing, believe me I know all about them. I used to do Meth, and that is a drug that manipulates the brain. Some people think more clearly on it and the lies they tell just to get the next hit or fix can leave your head spinning. The trouble is most people can see through those lies and see you for what you are and what you are doing, but your head is so filled with the drug you never even realize.
Don't take the risk of being alienated by your friends and family because you are trying to hide something. For years I didn't speak to my parents, because I was doing drugs, and was partying all the time, but also because I didn't want them to know what I was into. They knew because my ex told them. He told them when he thought I had gotten out of control. I was confronted by my mother, of course I denied it. It was my secret and I didn't want her to know. Then I got arrested for possession, however, in that case I was telling the truth that it wasn't my stuff, however because my parents knew about the drug use and I had denied it, they didn't believe me. Luckily I got off of the charges, but it isn't something that I am willing to go through again. Hence the reason why I put everything out on the web. I have nothing to hide anymore. I have come to far and lived through too much to go back and start hiding who I really am now. See the truth of the matter is when Sterling and I were dating he and I did way more drugs than we should have. We were doing so much that others couldn't believe it. It wasn't a proud time of my life let me tell you. When we both came to realize how much we were really doing and how utter ridiculous we had been, and what risks we had taken, we both cut way back, but hadn't quit entirely.
Then later on it started coming to light to everyone around us about how much we did. It was even thrown in my face a couple of times by a number of people that I had gotten so many people hooked on the stuff. Do you know how scary it is to find out that you were responsible for hundreds of young men shooting up Meth? Over and over again I hear how "oh, I know Bryan, he was the one that taught me how to slam" That is not a fond reputation that I like having. I was always safe, made sure that people knew what they were doing and how to mix up the stuff. I also stayed with them and provided them a safe place to do the stuff, but that isn't the point. The point is I may have ruined a great many of lives just by teaching them slamming. Meth is not a drug to play with lightly, it is not physically addicting like heroin, it alters the brain, and is a mental addiction that is extremely hard to break. You can be away from it for years and still think about the feeling, you still get the longing for it. I don't know how else to explain, but it is true. I don't think you ever truly escape it's grasp. But as I have told you in the past, you can't escape your past! What was hidden and done in the dark always comes to light!
I cannot change my past, the only thing I can do is try to make the right choices in the future and move forward. I have to let go of the past no matter how hard that is. One of the reasons why people hold on to the past is because they tend to remember it better than it was, and they view the present harder than it really is. It is always nicer to compare what is happening in our lives with the past, we have a tendency to make it out that things were better back then, but in actuality they were probably pretty much the same. The difficulty level only changes when we learn to change the way we look at things. We have a tendency to make up stories and hide the truth of things when we are not satisfied with what we have or where we are at in life. What happens then is that the lies spin out of our control and before we know it you are defending something that isn't real.
Life is what we make out of it, as I have told you before. If we constantly embellish, lie or be secretive about ourselves how can we expect anyone to ever get to know the real you? How can you honestly find someone that can love you? Do you want to be alone forever? I know that I don't. Even now I am hoping against hope that someone will find me and love me for the person I am. I used to live a life of lies and deceit but now I put everything out in the open for the world to see. I don't have any secrets to hide. I have lost too much in my life because of lying and secrets. I want to be free of that and find love and happiness. Which if you refer back to my earliest post you know that I know that happiness is found within ones self. But I also think that you can find happiness in another person. One that makes you better than you are and inspires you to do more than you have before. That is the type of love I want.
Do yourself a favor, when you meet someone new that you are interested in, be yourself, your true self. Don't embellish, make up stuff to make yourself look better. Just be who you are. Be sincere and genuine. I honestly think you will be much better off for it. Secrets and lies cost so much and will damage your relationship way faster than anything else. Be honest with yourself and the other person. Earn their trust and respect. Be their friend and confidant and trust me everything else will fall into place.
Try and remember that no secret is ever free, not now not ever!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Try to keep in mind that secrets have a toll on you too, they add stress and worry to your life, and once you start keeping them either by hiding them with lies or by silence, it starts to truly add weight on your shoulders. Once you start telling lies you have to keep telling them in order to keep them hidden. It becomes a never ending task and sooner or later someone is going to catch you at it. When they do there goes the trust that you have built up with them. Life is too short to have secrets and lies in your life. Especially if you are in a relationship. How can a person really know you if you are keeping things back from them. As I have always told you communication is the key and honesty is what is important. Being honest not only to your loved ones and family, but you always need to be totally honest with yourself. I know sometimes it seems easier to rationalize and lie to yourself, but at the end of the day you know what really happened and no matter how many lies you tell yourself it is not going to change the situation.
That is another thing about hiding the truth and lies, it ties you to them. How can you move forward if you are carrying around baggage of the past? Lies and secrets keep you firmly rooted to a story that just isn't true and you continually are brought back to it. You have to keep covering it up, and like I said lies upon lies is like building a house of cards, sooner or later one wrong move is going to bring the whole thing crashing down on you. Again, for your own peace of mind and that of the ones you care about you need to put everything out in the open. If you do that you will find that there is less stress in your life, and that if you stick together you can overcome any obstacle. Like they say 2 heads are better than one. Don't isolate yourself and keep yourself from truly experiencing love with another person because of lies. Secrets and lies are the same thing, believe me I know all about them. I used to do Meth, and that is a drug that manipulates the brain. Some people think more clearly on it and the lies they tell just to get the next hit or fix can leave your head spinning. The trouble is most people can see through those lies and see you for what you are and what you are doing, but your head is so filled with the drug you never even realize.
Don't take the risk of being alienated by your friends and family because you are trying to hide something. For years I didn't speak to my parents, because I was doing drugs, and was partying all the time, but also because I didn't want them to know what I was into. They knew because my ex told them. He told them when he thought I had gotten out of control. I was confronted by my mother, of course I denied it. It was my secret and I didn't want her to know. Then I got arrested for possession, however, in that case I was telling the truth that it wasn't my stuff, however because my parents knew about the drug use and I had denied it, they didn't believe me. Luckily I got off of the charges, but it isn't something that I am willing to go through again. Hence the reason why I put everything out on the web. I have nothing to hide anymore. I have come to far and lived through too much to go back and start hiding who I really am now. See the truth of the matter is when Sterling and I were dating he and I did way more drugs than we should have. We were doing so much that others couldn't believe it. It wasn't a proud time of my life let me tell you. When we both came to realize how much we were really doing and how utter ridiculous we had been, and what risks we had taken, we both cut way back, but hadn't quit entirely.
Then later on it started coming to light to everyone around us about how much we did. It was even thrown in my face a couple of times by a number of people that I had gotten so many people hooked on the stuff. Do you know how scary it is to find out that you were responsible for hundreds of young men shooting up Meth? Over and over again I hear how "oh, I know Bryan, he was the one that taught me how to slam" That is not a fond reputation that I like having. I was always safe, made sure that people knew what they were doing and how to mix up the stuff. I also stayed with them and provided them a safe place to do the stuff, but that isn't the point. The point is I may have ruined a great many of lives just by teaching them slamming. Meth is not a drug to play with lightly, it is not physically addicting like heroin, it alters the brain, and is a mental addiction that is extremely hard to break. You can be away from it for years and still think about the feeling, you still get the longing for it. I don't know how else to explain, but it is true. I don't think you ever truly escape it's grasp. But as I have told you in the past, you can't escape your past! What was hidden and done in the dark always comes to light!
I cannot change my past, the only thing I can do is try to make the right choices in the future and move forward. I have to let go of the past no matter how hard that is. One of the reasons why people hold on to the past is because they tend to remember it better than it was, and they view the present harder than it really is. It is always nicer to compare what is happening in our lives with the past, we have a tendency to make it out that things were better back then, but in actuality they were probably pretty much the same. The difficulty level only changes when we learn to change the way we look at things. We have a tendency to make up stories and hide the truth of things when we are not satisfied with what we have or where we are at in life. What happens then is that the lies spin out of our control and before we know it you are defending something that isn't real.
Life is what we make out of it, as I have told you before. If we constantly embellish, lie or be secretive about ourselves how can we expect anyone to ever get to know the real you? How can you honestly find someone that can love you? Do you want to be alone forever? I know that I don't. Even now I am hoping against hope that someone will find me and love me for the person I am. I used to live a life of lies and deceit but now I put everything out in the open for the world to see. I don't have any secrets to hide. I have lost too much in my life because of lying and secrets. I want to be free of that and find love and happiness. Which if you refer back to my earliest post you know that I know that happiness is found within ones self. But I also think that you can find happiness in another person. One that makes you better than you are and inspires you to do more than you have before. That is the type of love I want.
Do yourself a favor, when you meet someone new that you are interested in, be yourself, your true self. Don't embellish, make up stuff to make yourself look better. Just be who you are. Be sincere and genuine. I honestly think you will be much better off for it. Secrets and lies cost so much and will damage your relationship way faster than anything else. Be honest with yourself and the other person. Earn their trust and respect. Be their friend and confidant and trust me everything else will fall into place.
Try and remember that no secret is ever free, not now not ever!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, October 12, 2012
Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!
I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend. Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked. The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month. This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week. However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out. But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned. When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go. Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed. Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.
I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff. I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place. Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away. Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it. Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out? Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August. He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out. Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway. Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out. If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently. As it is for right now I am good.
This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one. If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on. Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself. So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again. The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned. I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.
Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on. Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move. See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages. Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks. By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.
I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this. When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly. Trust that God and the universe will take care of you. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment. Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you. If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this. I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable. Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.
Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me. But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me. I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back. But once again there has been no response. I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me. But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own. Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.
This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents. I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months. Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life. I am excited and happy about all of this. A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me. Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing. This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.
Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one. Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.
I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff. I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place. Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away. Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it. Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out? Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August. He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out. Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway. Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out. If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently. As it is for right now I am good.
This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one. If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on. Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself. So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again. The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned. I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.
Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on. Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move. See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages. Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks. By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.
I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this. When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly. Trust that God and the universe will take care of you. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment. Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you. If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this. I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable. Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.
Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me. But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me. I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back. But once again there has been no response. I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me. But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own. Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.
This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents. I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months. Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life. I am excited and happy about all of this. A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me. Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing. This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.
Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one. Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.
I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Sometimes we have to Realign, Reevaluate, Readjust and Move On!
In February of 2012 I reached a point in my life where I couldn't go any lower, I had hit rock bottom. I had lost my apartment in October, I also had a kidney stone and ended up in and out of the hospital. I ended up staying in a hotel from the beginning of October till November 7th. I had most of my possessions with me and my two dogs in the hotel and here I was in and out of pain and agony because of the kidney stone. On November 7th, I had to leave the hotel because I couldn't pay for it any longer. Animal control was called by the hotel manager and because I was leaving the hotel with nowhere to go my dogs were taken from me and destroyed. I was hurt and devastated by this and here I was out on the street. Long story short I lost everything, my home, my dogs, my car, and was wondering the streets of Atlanta, wondering what I was going to do. For a little while I stayed with some friends, but when that went south, I ended up squatting in a vacant apartment that I knew about and used it as a hideout for almost a month and a half before I was finally caught and put out. My father ended up helping me and I landed back in an extended stay for a little while. But things were just not working for me. Every step forward I took I ended up falling ten steps backward. I turned back to heavy drug use, and that compounded the problems even further. So in January my father and I spoke on the phone and he told me that he couldn't help me any further, that he just didn't have the money to put me up in a hotel any longer. But, what he did do is he offered to buy me a bus ticket back to Florida. Of course I would have to pay him back once I got down here.
What I realized during this time was that sometimes we need to take some time, reevaluate our lives, figure out what direction we want to go and readjust our goals. So in January that is exactly what I did, and I realized that with the amount of drugs I was doing and my medical problems that I probably needed to get away from the temptation of the drugs and start over. The first step in this process was realignment, I began searching my soul and heart and realized that I wasn't happy any longer in Atlanta. See, I had been in a relationship for 12 1/2 years it had finally come to a final and bitter end in 2009, I started seeing someone else late in 2009 and we were together off and on till 2011. But the problem was that there was nothing and no one really in Atlanta to hold me there. Joe was gone, Sterling was gone, Noriko had left and gone back to Florida, most of my friends were either leaving or so hook on drugs, and nothing I did seemed to bring me any joy or fulfillment. So I began my journey of soul searching, scouring my inner being to find my true self, the person I had been before I went into those relationships. The person who was not afraid to take a chance, who was decisive, knew what he wanted, and then went after it. It was that drive and ambition that had pushed me to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees, and I needed to reconnect with that person. This was the period of realignment, I had to find myself again, realign my inner and outer being to become whole again.
Once I started on this path I realized that I needed to reevaluate not only my values, but my whole direction in my life. I needed to chart a new course one that wasn't dependent on others and make some definitive choices in my life. So when my father offered to buy the bus ticket and bring me home, I jumped at the idea. I ended up leaving Atlanta with just the clothes on my back and nothing else. But, that is okay, because sometimes we have to change our location and friends to find ourselves again. This is what I call changing our venue. Sometimes, all it takes to get back to ourselves and find our direction again, is to move to a new place and start all over again. Which is what I decided to do. I embraced the challenge and got on that bus confident that the new journey I was on was going would bring me full circle and help me find myself again. I am thankful that I took that step, because it took me from the temptations that were still in Atlanta, and helped me move on. Once I had made the decision to move, I kept looking inward, and realized that not only did I have to reevaluate my values, direction and life, I needed to reevaluate my goals, dreams and hopes.
When I began looking at my goals and life objectives, it became apparent that I needed to start over totally from scratch so I set some manageable and achievable goals. Therefore, I decided that once I got to my parents house I was going to save up money, get a car, get a job, a cellphone, and then my own place to live. I had to readjust my thinking, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and let go of the past, to move on and away from the stuff I had lost and left behind in Atlanta. I knew that I was coming to an unfamiliar place and that I was going to be alone, all I would have would be my father and stepmother, because last year they had moved from Orlando where I had grown up and moved to the beach. So I would know no one and I knew that this was just the chance I needed to get my life back together and back on track. See I had left all my friends and acquaintances behind in Atlanta, I would have no support network to fall back on. I would have to sink or swim because I knew my parents couldn't help me other than giving me a place to stay. So I moved on. Got on that bus and never really looked back.
Now I have been in Daytona Beach for 8 months now. I have been through a series of setbacks, mainly because of my health. But you want to know an amazing thing. In 8 months, every goal that I had set for myself before I left Atlanta has been fulfilled. I actually feel good about myself, I don't feel like I have to ask anyone for permission to do anything. I got myself a car, have a great job, and rebuilt almost all of the things that I had lost in Atlanta. I am proud of myself, and I realize how much this journey has helped me grow and mature. I don't regret making the decision to leave, I have been able to steer clear of the drugs, the temptations and have actually overcome some very serious health issues.
There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to sit back and realign, reevaluate and readjust our lives and thinking and just move on. We have to take that leap of faith and know within ourselves that we are going to be victorious and overcome the obstacles and hardships that life is going to put in our path. It is at these times that we really have to be sincerely honest with ourselves. Because this is when we are going to grow, learn and mature. Once we get through the first part of our journey it becomes almost automatic for our mind perform the process over and over again, and you begin to realize that there are new goals and ways of looking at things and we move further along the path.
Even now as I am writing to you I am at a new point in my journey, I am about to move out of my parents place this weekend and move into my own space, now I had never planned on doing this alone, I had hoped to share this next phase of my life and journey with someone else. But because things aren't actually working out as I have planned I realized today that it is once again time to stop and reevaluate, readjust, realign and move on. Because I need more in life at this point. I am working and volunteering my time, but it doesn't fill the void that I am feeling inside, so I write, I draw, watch movies and try to keep myself busy, but honestly there is something missing. I have lost my ambition, my inspiration, and now on top of this I have found out just yesterday that I am facing another serious medical problem, and it has caused me to wonder what is next for me. Because honestly over the past two weeks I have been asking myself a very heavy question and one that I cannot answer at this point.
The question being "When is it going to be my turn, why can't I find someone to take care of me, someone I can depend on? See all of my life, I have been the one that everyone has depended on. I was the one that supported and helped others. I put everyone else's concerns and needs before my own. But, now when I need it who can I turn too? When will I find someone that cares about my desires, needs and wants first? Honestly, with everything that is happening in my life, I don't think it will ever happen. I am beginning to believe that my worst fear is going to come true, that I am going to be single and spend the rest of my life alone. If you only knew what I was facing right now, how this new issue is going to further limit my abilities and that alone I fear is going to keep anyone from ever wanting to have anything more from me beyond a friendship. A very big part of me is devastated, because I have been living in denial since 2005 and finally it was brought home to me in a very real way on Friday. If you want to understand this a little better read my blog entry "Inner Demon Finally Realized...Is there still hope?"
To further add to this desperation and loneliness I am feeling you have to understand that in the spring of this year I had reconnected with someone that I cared a lot about back in Atlanta, and as the months of us talking kept going. He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. So finally in June I admitted the feelings I had for him. We started dating, and in August he was supposed to come for a 3 week visit. To surprise him, I ended up driving to Atlanta to bring him back and you can read all about what happened in the blog entry "Misadventures in Paradise"... to fully understand what happened and what I went through while I was there. To understand how much I cared about this man read my entry called "Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment". Over the last two weeks he found out some things, and is working through those issues on his own and has basically closed me out. He hasn't called or talked to me. He has sent me a total of 3 text messages in the past twelve days. Honestly it is killing me, there are so many things I want to tell him about my health and what is going on with this move. How, I want him here with me, so that I can face the future with him, and for him to be by my side as I embark on this new phase of life. Now, that I am getting my own place, I want him here with me to experience it and share it. I have done everything I can to reach out to him, to encourage him to confide in me and talk to me because I know I can help with what he is dealing with. Been there and done that as they say.
So here I sit wondering if it is yet again time to realign, reevaluate, readjust and move on. I can't make someone talk to me or confide in me. The last time we spoke he told me that he was like this, warned me that he closes off. He told me that he loved me and that there was nothing wrong between us. Then I saw on his Facebook page that he posted that he feels like he is losing me. So what do I do? How can I fix the situation when he won't talk to me. Is he testing me? I sent him text messages, emails, and Facebook messages, and still nothing. I keep reassuring him that I miss him and I love him. But nothing. He asked me to research flights for him to come and visit. I have done that. I have the information. Left him a message for him to call me so we could talk about it, yet nothing. I want him in my life so bad, without him I feel like a part of me is missing. I find it hard to write, to sleep and even to deal with the problems and issues I have all on my own. I need him so much right now, and I am sure he could use my support and help. It honestly feels like he doesn't trust me or want me to be involved in his life. It makes me feel like I am nothing more to him than an annoyance and that I am bugging him.
So again, should I move on? Should I reevaluate my position and hope that one day he will come around. I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know that I have inspired him to be not only a better person, but he changed how he treats people and has reevaluated his own life because of my inspiration and positive attitude and outlook.
I wish there was a simple answer to this. I wish I knew what he wants and what he is expecting.
So if nothing else remember that sometimes we just have to take a deep look inside of ourselves, change our location, our friends and move on to get to the next phase in our lives.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
What I realized during this time was that sometimes we need to take some time, reevaluate our lives, figure out what direction we want to go and readjust our goals. So in January that is exactly what I did, and I realized that with the amount of drugs I was doing and my medical problems that I probably needed to get away from the temptation of the drugs and start over. The first step in this process was realignment, I began searching my soul and heart and realized that I wasn't happy any longer in Atlanta. See, I had been in a relationship for 12 1/2 years it had finally come to a final and bitter end in 2009, I started seeing someone else late in 2009 and we were together off and on till 2011. But the problem was that there was nothing and no one really in Atlanta to hold me there. Joe was gone, Sterling was gone, Noriko had left and gone back to Florida, most of my friends were either leaving or so hook on drugs, and nothing I did seemed to bring me any joy or fulfillment. So I began my journey of soul searching, scouring my inner being to find my true self, the person I had been before I went into those relationships. The person who was not afraid to take a chance, who was decisive, knew what he wanted, and then went after it. It was that drive and ambition that had pushed me to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees, and I needed to reconnect with that person. This was the period of realignment, I had to find myself again, realign my inner and outer being to become whole again.
Once I started on this path I realized that I needed to reevaluate not only my values, but my whole direction in my life. I needed to chart a new course one that wasn't dependent on others and make some definitive choices in my life. So when my father offered to buy the bus ticket and bring me home, I jumped at the idea. I ended up leaving Atlanta with just the clothes on my back and nothing else. But, that is okay, because sometimes we have to change our location and friends to find ourselves again. This is what I call changing our venue. Sometimes, all it takes to get back to ourselves and find our direction again, is to move to a new place and start all over again. Which is what I decided to do. I embraced the challenge and got on that bus confident that the new journey I was on was going would bring me full circle and help me find myself again. I am thankful that I took that step, because it took me from the temptations that were still in Atlanta, and helped me move on. Once I had made the decision to move, I kept looking inward, and realized that not only did I have to reevaluate my values, direction and life, I needed to reevaluate my goals, dreams and hopes.
When I began looking at my goals and life objectives, it became apparent that I needed to start over totally from scratch so I set some manageable and achievable goals. Therefore, I decided that once I got to my parents house I was going to save up money, get a car, get a job, a cellphone, and then my own place to live. I had to readjust my thinking, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and let go of the past, to move on and away from the stuff I had lost and left behind in Atlanta. I knew that I was coming to an unfamiliar place and that I was going to be alone, all I would have would be my father and stepmother, because last year they had moved from Orlando where I had grown up and moved to the beach. So I would know no one and I knew that this was just the chance I needed to get my life back together and back on track. See I had left all my friends and acquaintances behind in Atlanta, I would have no support network to fall back on. I would have to sink or swim because I knew my parents couldn't help me other than giving me a place to stay. So I moved on. Got on that bus and never really looked back.
Now I have been in Daytona Beach for 8 months now. I have been through a series of setbacks, mainly because of my health. But you want to know an amazing thing. In 8 months, every goal that I had set for myself before I left Atlanta has been fulfilled. I actually feel good about myself, I don't feel like I have to ask anyone for permission to do anything. I got myself a car, have a great job, and rebuilt almost all of the things that I had lost in Atlanta. I am proud of myself, and I realize how much this journey has helped me grow and mature. I don't regret making the decision to leave, I have been able to steer clear of the drugs, the temptations and have actually overcome some very serious health issues.
There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to sit back and realign, reevaluate and readjust our lives and thinking and just move on. We have to take that leap of faith and know within ourselves that we are going to be victorious and overcome the obstacles and hardships that life is going to put in our path. It is at these times that we really have to be sincerely honest with ourselves. Because this is when we are going to grow, learn and mature. Once we get through the first part of our journey it becomes almost automatic for our mind perform the process over and over again, and you begin to realize that there are new goals and ways of looking at things and we move further along the path.
Even now as I am writing to you I am at a new point in my journey, I am about to move out of my parents place this weekend and move into my own space, now I had never planned on doing this alone, I had hoped to share this next phase of my life and journey with someone else. But because things aren't actually working out as I have planned I realized today that it is once again time to stop and reevaluate, readjust, realign and move on. Because I need more in life at this point. I am working and volunteering my time, but it doesn't fill the void that I am feeling inside, so I write, I draw, watch movies and try to keep myself busy, but honestly there is something missing. I have lost my ambition, my inspiration, and now on top of this I have found out just yesterday that I am facing another serious medical problem, and it has caused me to wonder what is next for me. Because honestly over the past two weeks I have been asking myself a very heavy question and one that I cannot answer at this point.
The question being "When is it going to be my turn, why can't I find someone to take care of me, someone I can depend on? See all of my life, I have been the one that everyone has depended on. I was the one that supported and helped others. I put everyone else's concerns and needs before my own. But, now when I need it who can I turn too? When will I find someone that cares about my desires, needs and wants first? Honestly, with everything that is happening in my life, I don't think it will ever happen. I am beginning to believe that my worst fear is going to come true, that I am going to be single and spend the rest of my life alone. If you only knew what I was facing right now, how this new issue is going to further limit my abilities and that alone I fear is going to keep anyone from ever wanting to have anything more from me beyond a friendship. A very big part of me is devastated, because I have been living in denial since 2005 and finally it was brought home to me in a very real way on Friday. If you want to understand this a little better read my blog entry "Inner Demon Finally Realized...Is there still hope?"
To further add to this desperation and loneliness I am feeling you have to understand that in the spring of this year I had reconnected with someone that I cared a lot about back in Atlanta, and as the months of us talking kept going. He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. So finally in June I admitted the feelings I had for him. We started dating, and in August he was supposed to come for a 3 week visit. To surprise him, I ended up driving to Atlanta to bring him back and you can read all about what happened in the blog entry "Misadventures in Paradise"... to fully understand what happened and what I went through while I was there. To understand how much I cared about this man read my entry called "Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment". Over the last two weeks he found out some things, and is working through those issues on his own and has basically closed me out. He hasn't called or talked to me. He has sent me a total of 3 text messages in the past twelve days. Honestly it is killing me, there are so many things I want to tell him about my health and what is going on with this move. How, I want him here with me, so that I can face the future with him, and for him to be by my side as I embark on this new phase of life. Now, that I am getting my own place, I want him here with me to experience it and share it. I have done everything I can to reach out to him, to encourage him to confide in me and talk to me because I know I can help with what he is dealing with. Been there and done that as they say.
So here I sit wondering if it is yet again time to realign, reevaluate, readjust and move on. I can't make someone talk to me or confide in me. The last time we spoke he told me that he was like this, warned me that he closes off. He told me that he loved me and that there was nothing wrong between us. Then I saw on his Facebook page that he posted that he feels like he is losing me. So what do I do? How can I fix the situation when he won't talk to me. Is he testing me? I sent him text messages, emails, and Facebook messages, and still nothing. I keep reassuring him that I miss him and I love him. But nothing. He asked me to research flights for him to come and visit. I have done that. I have the information. Left him a message for him to call me so we could talk about it, yet nothing. I want him in my life so bad, without him I feel like a part of me is missing. I find it hard to write, to sleep and even to deal with the problems and issues I have all on my own. I need him so much right now, and I am sure he could use my support and help. It honestly feels like he doesn't trust me or want me to be involved in his life. It makes me feel like I am nothing more to him than an annoyance and that I am bugging him.
So again, should I move on? Should I reevaluate my position and hope that one day he will come around. I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know that I have inspired him to be not only a better person, but he changed how he treats people and has reevaluated his own life because of my inspiration and positive attitude and outlook.
I wish there was a simple answer to this. I wish I knew what he wants and what he is expecting.
So if nothing else remember that sometimes we just have to take a deep look inside of ourselves, change our location, our friends and move on to get to the next phase in our lives.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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