Thursday, October 11, 2012

Sometimes we have to Realign, Reevaluate, Readjust and Move On!

In February of 2012 I reached a point in my life where I couldn't go any lower, I had hit rock bottom.  I had lost my apartment in October, I also had a kidney stone and ended up in and out of the hospital.  I ended up staying in a hotel from the beginning of October till November 7th.  I had most of my possessions with me and my two dogs in the hotel and here I was in and out of pain and agony because of the kidney stone.  On November 7th, I had to leave the hotel because I couldn't pay for it any longer.  Animal control was called by the hotel manager and because I was leaving the hotel with nowhere to go my dogs were taken from me and destroyed.  I was hurt and devastated by this and here I was out on the street.   Long story short I lost everything, my home, my dogs, my car, and was wondering the streets of Atlanta, wondering what I was going to do.  For a little while I stayed with some friends, but when that went south, I ended up squatting in a vacant apartment that I knew about and used it as a hideout for almost a month and a half before I was finally caught and put out.   My father ended up helping me and I landed back in an extended stay for a little while.  But things were just not working for me.  Every step forward I took I ended up falling ten steps backward.  I turned back to heavy drug use, and that compounded the problems even further.  So in January my father and I spoke on the phone and he told me that he couldn't help me any further, that he just didn't have the money to put me up in a hotel any longer.  But, what he did do is he offered to buy me a bus ticket back to Florida.  Of course I would have to pay him back once I got down here.

What I realized during this time was that sometimes we need to take some time, reevaluate our lives, figure out what direction we want to go and readjust our goals.  So in January that is exactly what I did, and I realized that with the amount of drugs I was doing and my medical problems that I probably needed to get away from the temptation of the drugs and start over.  The first step in this process was realignment, I began searching my soul and heart and realized that I wasn't happy any longer in Atlanta.  See, I had been in a relationship for 12 1/2 years it had finally come to a final and bitter end in 2009, I started seeing someone else late in 2009 and we were together off and on till 2011.  But the problem was that there was nothing and no one really in Atlanta to hold me there.  Joe was gone, Sterling was gone, Noriko had left and gone back to Florida, most of my friends were either leaving or so hook on drugs, and nothing I did seemed to bring me any joy or fulfillment.  So I began my journey of soul searching, scouring my inner being to find my true self, the person I had been before I went into those relationships.  The person who was not afraid to take a chance, who was decisive, knew what he wanted, and then went after it.  It was that drive and ambition that had pushed me to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees, and I needed to reconnect with that person.  This was the period of realignment, I had to find myself again, realign my inner and outer being to become whole again.

Once I started on this path I realized that I needed to reevaluate not only my values, but my whole direction in my life. I needed to chart a new course one that wasn't dependent on others and make some definitive choices in my life.  So when my father offered to buy the bus ticket and bring me home, I jumped at the idea.  I ended up leaving Atlanta with just the clothes on my back and nothing else.  But, that is okay, because sometimes we have to change our location and friends to find ourselves again. This is what I call changing our venue. Sometimes, all it takes to get back to ourselves and find our direction again, is to move to a new place and start all over again.  Which is what I decided to do.  I embraced the challenge and got on that bus confident that the new journey I was on was going would bring me full circle and help me find myself again.  I am thankful that I took that step, because it took me from the temptations that were still in Atlanta, and helped me move on.  Once I had made the decision to move, I kept looking inward, and realized that not only did I have to reevaluate my values, direction and life, I needed to reevaluate my goals, dreams and hopes.

When I began looking at my goals and life objectives, it became apparent that I needed to start over totally from scratch so I set some manageable and achievable goals.  Therefore, I decided that once I got to my parents house I was going to save up money, get a car, get a job, a cellphone, and then my own place to live.  I had to readjust my thinking, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and let go of the past, to move on and away from the stuff I had lost and left behind in Atlanta.  I knew that I was coming to an unfamiliar place and that I was going to be alone, all I would have would be my father and stepmother, because last year they had moved from Orlando where I had grown up and moved to the beach.  So I would know no one and I knew that this was just the chance I needed to get my life back together and back on track.  See I had left all my friends and acquaintances behind in Atlanta, I would have no support network to fall back on. I would have to sink or swim because I knew my parents couldn't help me other than giving me a place to stay.  So I moved on.  Got on that bus and never really looked back.

Now I have been in Daytona Beach for 8 months now. I have been through a series of setbacks, mainly because of my health. But you want to know an amazing thing.  In 8 months, every goal that I had set for myself before I left Atlanta has been fulfilled. I actually feel good about myself, I don't feel like I have to ask anyone for permission to do anything. I got myself a car, have a great job, and rebuilt almost all of the things that I had lost in Atlanta.  I am proud of myself, and I realize how much this journey has helped me grow and mature.  I don't regret making the decision to leave, I have been able to steer clear of the drugs, the temptations and have actually overcome some very serious health issues.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to sit back and realign, reevaluate and readjust our lives and thinking and just move on. We have to take that leap of faith and know within ourselves that we are going to be victorious and overcome the obstacles and hardships that life is going to put in our path.  It is at these times that we really have to be sincerely honest with ourselves. Because this is when we are going to grow, learn and mature.  Once we get through the first part of our journey it becomes almost automatic for our mind perform the process over and over again, and you begin to realize that there are new goals and ways of looking at things and we move further along the path.

Even now as I am writing to you I am at a new point in my journey, I am about to move out of my parents place this weekend and move into my own space, now I had never planned on doing this alone, I had hoped to share this next phase of my life and journey with someone else.  But because things aren't actually working out as I have planned I realized today that it is once again time to stop and reevaluate, readjust, realign and move on. Because I need more in life at this point. I am working and volunteering my time, but it doesn't fill the void that I am feeling inside, so I write, I draw, watch movies and try to keep myself busy, but honestly there is something missing.  I have lost my ambition, my inspiration, and now on top of this I have found out just yesterday that I am facing another serious medical problem, and it has caused me to wonder what is next for me.  Because honestly over the past two weeks I have been asking myself a very heavy question and one that I cannot answer at this point.

The question being "When is it going to be my turn, why can't I find someone to take care of me, someone I can depend on? See all of my life, I have been the one that everyone has depended on. I was the one that supported and helped others. I put everyone else's concerns and needs before my own.  But, now when I need it who can I turn too? When will I find someone that cares about my desires, needs and wants first?  Honestly, with everything that is happening in my life, I don't think it will ever happen.  I am beginning to believe that my worst fear is going to come true, that I am going to be single and spend the rest of my life alone.  If you only knew what I was facing right now, how this new issue is going to further limit my abilities and that alone I fear is going to keep anyone from ever wanting to have anything more from me beyond a friendship. A very big part of me is devastated, because I have been living in denial since 2005 and finally it was brought home to me in a very real way on Friday.  If you want to understand this a little better read my blog entry "Inner Demon Finally Realized...Is there still hope?"

To further add to this desperation and loneliness I am feeling you have to understand that in the spring of this year I had reconnected with someone that I cared a lot about back in Atlanta, and as the months of us talking kept going.  He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. So finally in June I admitted the feelings I had for him.  We started dating, and in August he was supposed to come for a 3 week visit. To surprise him, I ended up driving to Atlanta to bring him back and you can read all about what happened in the blog entry "Misadventures in Paradise"... to fully understand what happened and what I went through while I was there.  To understand  how much I cared about this man read my entry called "Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment".  Over the last two weeks he found out some things, and is working through those issues on his own and has basically closed me out. He hasn't called or talked to me. He has sent me a total of 3 text messages in the past twelve days. Honestly it is killing me, there are so many things I want to tell him about my health and what is going on with this move.  How, I want him here with me, so that I can face the future with him, and for him to be by my side as I embark on this new phase of life.  Now, that I am getting my own place, I want him here with me to experience it and share it.  I have done everything I can to reach out to him, to encourage him to confide in me and talk to me because I know I can help with what he is dealing with.  Been there and done that as they say.

So here I sit wondering if it is yet again time to realign, reevaluate, readjust and move on. I can't make someone talk to me or confide in me.  The last time we spoke he told me that he was like this, warned me that he closes off. He told me that he loved me and that there was nothing wrong between us. Then I saw on his Facebook page that he posted that he feels like he is losing me.  So what do I do? How can I fix the situation when he won't talk to me. Is he testing me? I sent him text messages, emails, and Facebook messages, and still nothing. I keep reassuring him that I miss him and I love him. But nothing. He asked me to research flights for him to come and visit. I have done that. I have the information. Left him a message for him to call me so we could talk about it, yet nothing.  I want him in my life so bad, without him I feel like a part of me is missing. I find it hard to write, to sleep and even to deal with the problems and issues I have all on my own. I need him so much right now, and I am sure he could use my support and help.  It honestly feels like he doesn't trust me or want me to be involved in his life.  It makes me feel like I am nothing more to him than an annoyance and that I am bugging him.

So again, should I move on? Should I reevaluate my position and hope that one day he will come around. I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know that I have inspired him to be not only a better person, but he changed how he treats people and has reevaluated his own life because of my inspiration and positive attitude and outlook.

I wish there was a simple answer to this.  I wish I knew what he wants and what he is expecting.

So if nothing else remember that sometimes we just have to take a deep look inside of ourselves, change our location, our friends and move on to get to the next phase in our lives.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B