I have been talking to you about a lot of things, but one of the things that I wanted to bring to your attention is that we never truly know what is going on behind the eyes of a person. So how can we possibly understand their intentions and motivations. Lately, I have been asking myself, "what is going on with my relationship?" I truly understand the concept of closing down and isolating oneself to deal with a crisis or situation. But, then there is the other side when someone is reaching out to you practically begging for you to call them back that you have some information for them. Still nothing, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. Several weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that things weren't working out well with him being all the way across the country for me and that we needed to do something to fix that. So when my parents told me I had to move and that I didn't have a whole lot of time, I figured this was a sign, that it was time to build a home for the two of us. Still can't reach him. This got me thinking about words, actions, and motivations and intentions. See anyone can say words, it is the actions that prove the words, but let's look a little more closely, even the actions can betray us. See, what really matters is the intention and motivation that have prompted the action, if you are honest and truthful with your partner they should be in return.
Unfortunately, not everyone is as straightforward and honest as we would like them to be. There might be some ulterior motive that has prompted them to do or say something. So how do we really honestly know what another person is actually thinking and if taking the risk of getting close to them is going to be worth it or not? This is the bitter reality of the situation, unless you can have absolute trust in the person, you can never be sure. Honestly, I know that isn't what you want to hear. But seriously if there are some doubts in your mind about this person there has to be a reason for them. Trust is something that takes time to build and if something hurts it or destroys it, it may never ever fully be restored with that person. Sad, but true, and you have to be careful with whom you share your trust with, just because it is so fragile and can very easily be broken.
I tend to believe in the goodness of people, and I take them at face value, so their words are gold to me, and in most cases that has paid-off, however, there have been a few times when I took someone at their word, trusted them and ended up getting hurt far more than I should have. Trust is a two-way street, as I said it has too be earned, and can be easily broken or damaged, but you have to earn the other persons trust and faith in order for it to truly form between the both of you. If you trust someone, yet they have some concern about you, and don't feel that they can totally trust you, they will not be honest and confide in you. So their true honest intentions and motivations will be hidden from you.
Today I posted on my Facebook page that I am a magnet for trouble, it seems to follow me where ever I go, and no matter how cautious I am I still seem to find it. Now, in this particular instance I am referring to some friends of mine. One of them still lives in Atlanta, and he is in a relationship with another friend of mine, now last night I got a message on Facebook asking me if I could help him get his cellphone back on. Realistically I don't have the money to help him out at this time, but I do get paid on Thursday and if I can swing it I will probably help him out. However, thoughts crept into my head as I laid down last night, like why wasn't he asking his boyfriend for help? Why is he coming to me in the first place? I went back this morning and re-read the email to make sure that I didn't miss anything. Like an important detail or reason that I may have overlooked because I was extremely tired. There wasn't anything more too the message. I am glad that it was worded asking me to get him a Boost card for his phone instead of sending him $50.00. Because if he had asked for cash I would have thought he meant to spend the money on drugs and not on the phone.
However, the question still remains, why me? I am hundreds of miles away, and in the middle of moving and dealing with my own drama and medical stuff here. What is the whole story and what are the motivations behind the request. I have another friend that is trying to re-establish himself and is looking for a new place to stay. He keeps telling me that if he can't find anything on his own where he is at, that he wants to come here and be my roommate. Well, been there and done that and I can't afford the additional drain on my finances at this time. I have encouraged him to continue to search where he is at and then pointed him in the direction of some help, because he is HIV positive there is a program called HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons With Aids) they should be able to help him get in somewhere and get him set up. Plus there is his drama that is going on with his boyfriend and I have been on the phone with him constantly for the past 2 weeks offering support and advice, but that is all I can do at this point.
I also spoke with my best friend last night and told him a little of what was going on with me and my situation. Medically and with the housing thing, and what he told me is that this is a time that I need to be by myself and regroup. Refocus on me and my needs, my health and situation, stop worrying about others for a little while because, where was everyone when I was homeless and on the street in Atlanta? How many reached out their hand and offered me help? He also pointed out how far I had come and accomplished in just 8 short months. That I needed to stay on track and point and move forward, concerned with just myself at this point. It doesn't mean forever, but until I get past the next major surgery and Hep C treatments which are going to weaken me and make it hard for me to care for anyone else at this point. Good advice according to the ID doctor at the VA that I went to see this morning. Because the way that they treat for Hep C is by using chemotherapy and apparently I am going to very weak and sick during it. But he thinks that it is a necessary treatment and that I will be able to get through it with minimal risk if I just keep free of stress and worry. Which means not adding anyone one else into the mixture.
On top of all of this I have just moved into a new place, and I want to take my time and get it set up the way I want it. If I reach out to help all these friends of mine that keep hitting me up for money there is no way I am ever going to get furniture, get the repairs done on my car, or be able to afford my living arrangements that I have made. To top that off, I got a text message from my boss telling me that she needs to talk to me and not to come into the office till I talk to her. Well, as you can imagine that has me slightly worried, I am wondering what I could have done to get a text like that. Am I in some sort of trouble? Have they decided that I am just not working out and that they need a different person in there? I am sure that whatever it is I will definitely find out when she calls me back. I have tried to leave her a message but she was on the other line and her voice mail is full on her cell. Regardless of the outcome, I know that I am safe in my new home, that I make plenty of money on my disability to cover the rent and have no worries there. I took the job because I was bored at home and I wanted something to do that would give me a little extra, since I took on the burden of a car with payment and car insurance, cell phone, and internet service, I figured a little extra wouldn't hurt so that I wasn't strapped for cash or groceries each month. We shall see what comes out of this currently. You would think that if they were going to fire me that they would want me to come into the office and do it face to face, versus over the phone, second why would she tell me not to come into the office till I talked to her that there is an indication that I should be coming into the office after our discussion, but the circumstances might have changed. Again whatever will be will be and not something that I am going to worry my pretty little head over right now. Besides which God is on my side and I am going to lay it at His feet and let Him deal with whatever crisis it might be.
Keep in mind that there is usually more to the story and situation than you know. You don't have all the information so how can you figure out a solution. Second, people rarely disclose their true intentions too you unless they are very close to you. You have to judge their behavior and actions to see if whatever their ulterior is, that it is beneficial too you and not harmful. Most people, like it or not, use others to achieve their own agenda. As long as it isn't hurting you and is mutually beneficial to you, I would say go for it. However, if it isn't and you see a potential for hurt or loss, then I would suggest mitigating your risks. Which we talked about last month. It is important to take as much risk out of the equation as you can so that you come out in a better position. This works with friends, acquaintances and lovers, not everyone is going to tell you the truth all of the time. Maybe not even some of the time and you have to learn how to read them. Know when they are running game on you, then mitigate the risks involved before you go any further. As I said I don't know what is going to happen with my relationship, but I am hopeful that he realizes that I do love him and that I am working hard to prove that. Not only do my words and actions reflect one another, my intention and motivation is just so that we can be together.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,