It all comes down to timing

I know that you have heard the old saying "timing is everything", and I would have to agree. See no matter what decision you make or path that you take is governed by timing. Let's look at it a little more closely and I think you might begin to see what I am talking about and where I am coming from.

For example you choose to start a new business venture, three months after you started your new enterprise the county decided that the road in front of your business needs to be torn up and redone. Had you wait just 6 months longer to open up this construction wouldn't have disturbed your business in the slightest and might have already been completed. Yet, you didn't wait and getting to your place becomes a nightmare and business drops to almost zero. Now, if you can afford a setback like that the timing of your opening may not have caused any concerns. But, if you are like most of us these delays could bankrupt your business.

Another example could be of being at the right place at just the right time. In this scenario your timing was on point and you benefitted from it. However, the inverse could also invariably be true as well in the wrong place at the wrong time and inevitably you end up in a non beneficial situation or worse. You could end up finding yourself much worse off then you might have otherwise been.

Timing has relative meaning to each one of us. The perfect time for you might be an adverse time for someone else. Each decision that you find yourself faced with you have to weigh not only the potential gains but the losses as well. There isn't a standard that you can use for every decision, each must be weighed carefully by the pros and cons that you can see visibly, and gains and losses that could be received if conditions and timing are right. This is what loss mitigation is all about.

But, as most of are far from perfect and we tend to suffer from impatience, we end up rushing our decision making process without really assessing the risks involved and therefore end up choosing the wrong timing altogether. I recommend wholeheartedly to look at every decision from every angle you can possibly think of, do a full risk assessment and make as educated decision as possible. Your timing might not be perfect, but it probably could have been a lot worse if you didn't take the time to weigh out everything as thoroughly as possible.

Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect moment, that you have to take time and create each moment as they come to you and make them as perfect and memorable as you can. Weigh every single option you are presented with for each and every decision to figure out the optimal timing for everything.

Trust me no one gets it right every single time. However, by taking the time and researching every angle you might find yourself in a pretty good situation most of the time. Honestly friends timing is everything, and can mean the most towards your happiness.  It is never to late to start assessing your life, situation and decisions. I think once you do you will find that you have more control and flexibility towards the outcomes that come your way.

Sit back and reflect on this I think if you put your mind too it you can see where I am coming from.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Uncontrolled Fear

For the past 2 weeks I have been facing a fear that has become uncontrollable the longer that I have been dealing with my medical situation.  If you are familiar with my blog you will have undoubtedly read that I was told that I have a tumor growing rapidly in my right kidney.  Even worse than that the lab results that were taken this past Thursday show that my kidney functions are steadily on the decline.  This coupled with the fact that I have several other terminal illnesses that my body is also dealing with.  This has not left me with a comfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am not sure what the right course of action is at this moment in time is for me and the treatments that the doctors are suggesting.

What is funny is that I am not afraid for myself.  I am afraid for the ones that might be left alone if I were to die.  Now that I have broached the subject of death, I might as well elaborate on what I am talking about and dealing with.  See I have known for a little while that I had the tumor, what I didn't know was the possibility of it being cancerous.  That pushed it into a realm of unworldliness for me.  I have faced cancer 4 other times in my life and I have managed to get by and survive.  Sometimes in tact and other times not so unscathed by the tragedy.  The last round was back in 2012 and I ended up with a second stoma that I now have to take care of daily, as if one wasn't enough already right.   But through it all I managed to survive only to break my leg a few weeks later.  I am a person who just doesn't have good luck at all  when it comes to my body and my health. 

Since 1992, I have been in a struggle for life versus cancer.  Each time I go into the battle weighing my options.  Most cases the quality of life is the most important factor I look at.  Because there are a few things that I fear such as living as a vegetable or being confined to a wheelchair or having another stroke that limits my mobility further than the spinal fractures have already produced.  My life has not been a paved road with roses, I have had more surgeries and procedures than most people have in an entire lifetime.  At the age of 23 I had my first bout with Cancer and here we are 24 years later and I am still dealing with it.  Sometimes the reason for the tumor has been because of radiation disease, however the treatment options have always been the same.  Surgery and then preventative chemotherapy.  What most people don't know is that each time you have chemotherapy the less likely the treatment will work for you.  Just like everytime you have an operation and go under anesthesia it is harder and harder to come back.  With both of these things being said having close to 29 abdominal surgeries and countless other biopsies, colonoscopies, and other treatments, how hard do you think this surgery is going to be for me?

I am a big proponent of hoping for the best and planning for the worst, because I know how much my body has been through over the years.  Which means I have every right to feel afraid.  Because time is very short on my end, I am trying to get everything wrapped up that I possibly can so that if a complication comes up there is a plan of action.  Now I am not saying that something is definitely crop up, but as my medical track record goes out of every 5 surgeries a complication had arose and I had to stay in the hospital way longer than was expected.  So at this point I have weighed this in my analysis of what is best way to proceed when dealing with the surgery and the doctor recommendations.  But here is another fun fact that goes into my equation.  I believe in the power of pray and I know that God is the ultimate healer and that if it is His will I will be completely healed from this an there will be no decline in my comfort of living.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to pin down and overcome.  Fear is a force that needs to be reconned with.  It is an emotion that can hold you in place, and keep you from moving forward and taking the chance or surgery that is needed.  Fear is something that each of has from time to time.  Having fear doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are a chicken.  Fear is a normal reaction to scary situations and exploring unknown things.  Yet what makes one brave is confronting and dealing with the fear you are feeling.  You can also keep fear in check and use it to garner strength, the same with anger.  Anger is an emotion that can creep in at the most unexpected time, such as when you are frightened or scared.  It is triggered by the feeling of helplessness in that situation, but you must remain calm, know in your heart that this is only a momentary thing, that it will pass and you will not have to deal with it again.  Each time you conquer a fear you will be so much stronger and it will become easier to face the next fear that comes up,

Fear is something that can be beaten, you can gather greater strength and knowledge the more you face and control.  You may be wondering what my decision is about my surgery.  Since I have been worrying about this so much I decided that the best option for me was to have the surgery and face the outcome.  I doubt that my quality of life will improve, but I don't see how it could possibly diminish either by having it.  i have weighed both sides of the coin from the result of all the test that have come back.  My kidney function isn't improving and the medication that I take is building up a toxicity in my blood stream that the kidney can no longer filter out for me.  So at this point it seems that the best option for me to pursue is the one of having the tumor removed and sending off to see if it is malignant or benign.  Like I said earlier in the blog is that I am not afraid of dying and that is true.  I have a fear for those that I have left behind, for those people that I have been trying to help and all of those that I have helped and those that depend on my opinion and me.  But I know in the long run that everyone will be fine.  I just hope and pray that they remember me and do for someone else what I have done for them.

2016 was supposed to be a spectacular year with low or no incidences of health issues.  Lord knows that I would have love that, because in 2015 I only spent 4 days in the hospital versus the year before when I spend almost 10 full months in the hospital.  Life seemed to be getting better for me if you compare 2013 to now.  This time things feel different too me and I fear that I am going to have to face this surgery all by myself.  Long time readers will know that my biggest fear is dying alone and forgotten.  I have done so many things in my life for others that I believe that it will be very hard for anyone who has met me to forget me totally.  But the alone part is the hard thing that I am wrestling with now.  Because I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery is going to be, or where for that matter.  My VA doctors are wanting me to go to Tampa to the VA hospital there,  keep in mind that I live in Daytona Beach which is close to 3 hours away.  I do have an alternative plan when the Urologist here in Daytona could operate on me and bill the VA or medicare which ever one decides to pay. 

Weighing the pros and cons of a situation is one of my ways of dealing with problem situations and which ever column comes out with the list amount of entries is usually the way that I go.  But I also try to analyze the consequences of the choice that I have made.  If the cost and risk outweighs the benefit and least amount of consequence I move in that direction.  Each individual decision has a certain amount of risk involved and it is up to you to weigh the risks against the rewards and make a choice.  You can also try and mitigate some of the risks to make the rewards that much better.  I don't know what you are going through or if this might help someone else out there that might be going through something similar, but I hope that I can reach at least one person that might need the advice. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are some Suicidal Warning Signs?

Over the past couple of days I have been talking to you about Suicide.  We talked about what it means to be a Gatekeeper, how to be an attentive listener, and then we went over some of the risk factors that can possibly contribute to someone contemplating or even committing suicide.  Today I want to take the discussion a little bit further and talk to you about some of the warning signs that you should be aware of and looking and listening for when talking with a person that is depressed and could possibly be at risk for suicide.  Remember it is always better to be safe than sorry, and it is good to ask as many questions as you can to get to the heart of the matter and really understand what the person is going through and experiencing.  Keep in mind that just by listening and demonstrating that you are someone that cares you may just be saving someone's life.

Do you remember the other day when I told you that the two biggest factors or risks are the feelings of hopelessness and depression?  What you might not realize is that these two things go hand in hand.  They act upon a persons mind in such away that they cannot think or see clearly and they begin to feel trapped.  Every problem, emotion and crisis because larger and even harder to manage much less handle.  Depression alone can make a person feel like they aren't capable of dealing with the issue, it robs them of clarity of mind and purpose and certainly can make a small problem or issue seem like an insurmountable mountain. Now, throw in the sense of hopelessness and you will find a person that is paralyzed, looking for a way out but cannot seem to see a light in the darkness anywhere.  Hopelessness + Depression = Suicidal Risk.

In this article I am making the assumption that the person you are talking too is someone that you know or might have known, which is why they have decided to speak with you regarding what they are feeling and going through, though this might not always be the case.  So when I am discussing potential warning signs, I am going to be trying to speak in general terms.  Behaviors that you may have personally observed or might have been told about during your conversation.   Keep in mind that if this isn't someone that you know or see on a regular basis you might have to ask some invasive questions to get the answers you are looking for. However, if this is someone that you know well, or have a good deal of contact with you may have picked up some of these warning signs through casual observation, but you still need to explore them and ask questions to make sure that you haven't made an assumption or jumped to the wrong conclusion about something.  So here we go, here are some suicidal warning signs that you should be aware of and looking for either by direct observation or through your casual conversation.

Has there been an uncharacteristic decline in job performance or school attendance?  Do they seem isolated and withdrawn from you or other people?  Have you noticed or has there been any change in behavior or personality?  Keep in mind this can be positive or negative behavior, you cannot tell by looking at a person alone and tell if they are feeling suicidal.  Is there emotional or mental state of highs and lows?  Moodiness?  Has there been any change to their sleeping or eating habits?  People who are depressed and or feeling hopeless may not be able to shut down their mind at night, it keeps racing over all of their problems and situations and they can't shut down to sleep.  Has there been an increase in agitation?  Always angry or lashing out at others?  Have the begun to exhibit behaviors of acting out?  As I prefaced this part earlier these maybe signs that you being around the person you have noticed.  If you are not always around this person or have much interaction with them you may have to get them to open up to you, you have to ask them questions like the ones listed above to draw them out.  Here are some other things to look for.  Do they demonstrate or have indicated in some way that they are having trouble concentrating?  Do they feel a low self-worth or are they demonstrating this in some way?  Have you notice them displaying symptoms of being a failure?  Or have they indicated to you that they feel like they are a failure in some way? Has everything thing they have done worked out the way that they had planned?  If it hasn't this can lead them to thinking that they are a failure.  Have you ever tried to accomplish something, taken a step forward, but felt like for the step forward you have gone 5 steps backward at the same time? This also can lead to feelings of failure! Do they say or feel a sense of helplessness?  Demonstrate or express feelings of guilt?  Cry a lot? Or get emotional at the drop of a hat?  Ever talked about or attempted suicide before?

Is there a demonstrated or perceived preoccupation with death? Death-taking or writing about suicide?  Any signs of self-harm or cutting? Self mutilation?  Any open talk of suicide or death?  A demonstrated or perceived notion that they might be getting their affairs in order?  Giving away cherished items unexpectedly? I know it might be hard for you to identify these things if they are not close personal friends of yours.  You may not see them on a regular basis, therefore you are going to have to pry and dig to get to the answers to these questions but as I have said in the previous entries that I have written on suicide you have to have a complete picture.  You cannot just assume that someone is contemplating suicide, you need to be blunt and ask them.  Remember you are not going to push them into committing suicide by asking them about it. You may even draw them into discussion about it and eliminate some of their worry and anxiety about their situation and it may even save their lives.

Here are some factors that you should be on the look out for, these are imminent warning signs.  By imminent I mean they could act at any moment and these are signs that might indicate an immediate action.  If there has been a significant increase of alcohol and drug use. A trend of isolating themselves from friends and family.  They appear to be engaging in behaviors that are risk taking, they lack concern for their safety and they demonstrate no fear when committing them.  An increase of persistent physical complaints, dramatic mood changes and profound lack of concentration, or sudden mood improvement.  During conversations they display expressions of sadness or laughter that are in context of the conversation.  They are acting like they don't have a clue as too what everyone has been talking about.  Keep in mind that if you notice these things that they could be an unconscious cry for help and you should try and pull them aside and talk to them, try to get them to open up about what they are going through, push to find out what they are doing to themselves.  If you have to use pointed and open ended questions to draw them out into conversation. Getting them to talk will if nothing else fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle for you.  However, it might just get them to express themselves enough to cut down their anxiety, dispel their fear that they are alone and might turn the whole situation around.  You would be surprised sometimes how your biggest problems or worries don't seem so big once you begin talking about them and get them out into the open.

The main thing that you have to remember that the right combinations of stress, trouble, sense of being all alone and trapped, make it easy for depression to come into the picture, through in a sense of hopelessness and you have a situation that is ripe for suicide.  As always I encourage you to look at those around you, notice any odd behaviors, whether they are fitting in with others well, are they integrating well with the people and places around them.  Be a conscientious listener, compassionate, demonstrating a genuine concern and regard for them.  Show them that you are there for them and willing to help them.  As I said before, you maybe the only thing standing in this person's way and suicide.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Suicide, Myths and Facts revealed!

Several months ago a friend of mine and I started the Plus Suicide Project on Google +.  We created it in response to the increasing number of teen suicides that we saw occurring in the LBGT teen community.  However, I felt that I didn't have enough information at my command to deal with this situation in the appropriate manner.  Last night I attend a training seminar that is designed toward suicide prevention and make us the first line of defense in the fight against it.  The program is designed to train Gatekeepers, these are compassionate, caring individuals that are trained to develop the knowledge, attitude and skills to identify people at risk for suicide.  They are trained to manage a crisis situation and get the individual help and assistance as needed.   After going through the course I wanted to share some of the information that I learned from it with you.  I think it is important to cover the facts about suicide and explore the myths and misconceptions that individuals have about suicide.

If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point.  Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat.  That it can come from any corner and hit anyone.  Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide.  But let's explore the facts first.

Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't.  Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34.  There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day.  Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people.  Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop.  More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them.  However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation.  It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.

So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis.  Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide.  Fact:  Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior.  Myth:  Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide.  Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions.  80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent.  Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail.  Myth:  If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you.  Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality.  The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance.  You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.

Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status.  Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes.  Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide.  Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide.  There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.

We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind.  Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide.  Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts.  Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide.  Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life.  I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them.  You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.

So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide?  Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals?  The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have.  You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.  Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide.  Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem.  Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.

What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides.  Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide.  Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help.  You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off.  Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.

Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss.  No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.

I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring.  Everything is possible.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You don't know the mind of others.

I have been talking to you about a lot of things, but one of the things that I wanted to bring to your attention is that we never truly know what is going on behind the eyes of a person.  So how can we possibly understand their intentions and motivations.  Lately, I have been asking myself, "what is going on with my relationship?" I truly understand the concept of closing down and isolating oneself to deal with a crisis or situation.  But, then there is the other side when someone is reaching out to you practically begging for you to call them back that you have some information for them.  Still nothing, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words.  Several weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that things weren't working out well with him being all the way across the country for me and that we needed to do something to fix that. So when my parents told me I had to move and that I didn't have a whole lot of time, I figured this was a sign, that it was time to build a home for the two of us.  Still can't reach him.  This got me thinking about words, actions, and motivations and intentions.  See anyone can say words, it is the actions that prove the words, but let's look a little more closely, even the actions can betray us. See, what really matters is the intention and motivation that have prompted the action, if you are honest and truthful with your partner they should be in return.

Unfortunately, not everyone is as straightforward and honest as we would like them to be.  There might be some ulterior motive that has prompted them to do or say something.  So how do we really honestly know what another person is actually thinking and if taking the risk of getting close to them is going to be worth it or not?  This is the bitter reality of the situation, unless you can have absolute trust in the person, you can never be sure.  Honestly, I know that isn't what you want to hear.  But seriously if there are some doubts in your mind about this person there has to be a reason for them.  Trust is something that takes time to build and if something hurts it or destroys it, it may never ever fully be restored with that person.  Sad, but true, and you have to be careful with whom you share your trust with, just because it is so fragile and can very easily be broken.

I tend to believe in the goodness of people, and I take them at face value, so their words are gold to me, and in most cases that has paid-off, however, there have been a few times when I took someone at their word, trusted them and ended up getting hurt far more than I should have.  Trust is a two-way street, as I said it has too be earned, and can be easily broken or damaged, but you have to earn the other persons trust and faith in order for it to truly form between the both of you.  If you trust someone, yet they have some concern about you, and don't feel that they can totally trust you, they will not be honest and confide in you. So their true honest intentions and motivations will be hidden from you.

Today I posted on my Facebook page that I am a magnet for trouble, it seems to follow me where ever I go, and no matter how cautious I am I still seem to find it.  Now, in this particular instance I am referring to some friends of mine.  One of them still lives in Atlanta, and he is in a relationship with another friend of mine, now last night I got a message on Facebook asking me if I could help him get his cellphone back on.  Realistically I don't have the money to help him out at this time, but I do get paid on Thursday and if I can swing it I will probably help him out. However, thoughts crept into my head as I laid down last night, like why wasn't he asking his boyfriend for help?  Why is he coming to me in the first place?  I went back this morning and re-read the email to make sure that I didn't miss anything.  Like an important detail or reason that I may have overlooked because I was extremely tired.  There wasn't anything more too the message.  I am glad that it was worded asking me to get him a Boost card for his phone instead of sending him $50.00.  Because if he had asked for cash I would have thought he meant to spend the money on drugs and not on the phone.

However, the question still remains, why me?  I am hundreds of miles away, and in the middle of moving and dealing with my own drama and medical stuff here.  What is the whole story and what are the motivations behind the request.  I have another friend that is trying to re-establish himself and is looking for a new place to stay.  He keeps telling me that if he can't find anything on his own where he is at, that he wants to come here and be my roommate.  Well, been there and done that and I can't afford the additional drain on my finances at this time.  I have encouraged him to continue to search where he is at and then pointed him in the direction of some help, because he is HIV positive there is a program called HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons With Aids) they should be able to help him get in somewhere and get him set up.  Plus there is his drama that is going on with his boyfriend and I have been on the phone with him constantly for the past 2 weeks offering support and advice, but that is all I can do at this point.

I also spoke with my best friend last night and told him a little of what was going on with me and my situation.  Medically and with the housing thing, and what he told me is that this is a time that I need to be by myself and regroup. Refocus on me and my needs, my health and situation, stop worrying about others for a little while because, where was everyone when I was homeless and on the street in Atlanta?  How many reached out their hand and offered me help?  He also pointed out how far I had come and accomplished in just 8 short months.  That I needed to stay on track and point and move forward, concerned with just myself at this point.  It doesn't mean forever, but until I get past the next major surgery and Hep C treatments which are going to weaken me and make it hard for me to care for anyone else at this point. Good advice according to the ID doctor at the VA that I went to see this morning.  Because the way that they treat for Hep C is by using chemotherapy and apparently I am going to very weak and sick during it.  But he thinks that it is a necessary treatment and that I will be able to get through it with minimal risk if I just keep free of stress and worry.  Which means not adding anyone one else into the mixture.

On top of all of this I have just moved into a new place, and I want to take my time and get it set up the way I want it.  If I reach out to help all these friends of mine that keep hitting me up for money there is no way I am ever going to get furniture, get the repairs done on my car, or be able to afford my living arrangements that I have made.  To top that off, I got a text message from my boss telling me that she needs to talk to me and not to come into the office till I talk to her.  Well, as you can imagine that has me slightly worried, I am wondering what I could have done to get a text like that. Am I in some sort of trouble? Have they decided that I am just not working out and that they need a different person in there?  I am sure that whatever it is I will definitely find out when she calls me back. I have tried to leave her a message but she was on the other line and her voice mail is full on her cell.  Regardless of the outcome, I know that I am safe in my new home, that I make plenty of money on my disability to cover the rent and have no worries there.  I took the job because I was bored at home and I wanted something to do that would give me a little extra, since I took on the burden of a car with payment and car insurance, cell phone, and internet service, I figured a little extra wouldn't hurt so that I wasn't strapped for cash or groceries each month.    We shall see what comes out of this currently.  You would think that if they were going to fire me that they would want me to come into the office and do it face to face, versus over the phone, second why would she tell me not to come into the office till I talked to her that there is an indication that I should be coming into the office after our discussion, but the circumstances might have changed.  Again whatever will be will be and not something that I am going to worry my pretty little head over right now.  Besides which God is on my side and I am going to lay it at His feet and let Him deal with whatever crisis it might be.

Keep in mind that there is usually more to the story and situation than you know.  You don't have all the information so how can you figure out a solution.  Second, people rarely disclose their true intentions too you unless they are very close to you.  You have to judge their behavior and actions to see if whatever their ulterior is, that it is beneficial too you and not harmful.  Most people, like it or not, use others to achieve their own agenda.  As long as it isn't hurting you and is mutually beneficial to you, I would say go for it. However, if it isn't and you see a potential for hurt or loss, then I would suggest mitigating your risks. Which we talked about last month. It is important to take as much risk out of the equation as you can so that you come out in a better position.  This works with friends, acquaintances and lovers, not everyone is going to tell you the truth all of the time.  Maybe not even some of the time and you have to learn how to read them. Know when they are running game on you, then mitigate the risks involved before you go any further.  As I said I don't know what is going to happen with my relationship, but I am hopeful that he realizes that I do love him and that I am working hard to prove that.  Not only do my words and actions reflect one another, my intention and motivation is just so that we can be together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Risks must be mitigated in order for you to profit in love or life

Surely you know that in order to succeed at life you have to take some risks.  The important thing to remember is that whenever you invest your money, time, or love, you need be extremely careful.  Just like a business who is about to invest money they run a risk analysis.  This means that take a careful look at the risks to the business plan to see what their potential losses might be.  They balance the risks against the projected return on investment to see if the return justifies taking the risk.  In our personal lives we must do the same thing on a much smaller scale.  Before you invest your money or heart in anyone you need to be sure of the motives fit in line with your personal goals.  Look closely at what your potential return on investment might be.  If you believe the risks are acceptable then by all means move forward.

What I am trying to say is this.  If you honestly care about someone and you feel that their feelings for you are genuine then look at the risks involved with that relationship.  You may find them acceptable at the time.  But it is also important to reevaluate your relationship as time moves on because the risks, consequences and circumstances might have changed.  In my own personal life I can tell you that when I met Joe I was living in Orlando with my brother and a good friend Stewart.  Joe and I hit it off right away, and we spent the first two weeks of our relationship together almost inseparable. After that we kept talking and before I knew it my lease term was ending at my apartment and I had a choice to transfer my apartment lease to Atlanta so that Joe and I could be with each other.  Which at the time the risk was minimal, though I was investing my heart into someone that I had just met recently.  Now, I will never tell you that I made a mistake when I did this, but I didn't take into account that I would be leaving my job behind and I would have to find work in a new city.  Luckily, it didn't take me long at all to find work because I was with a temporary agency.  My move turned out to be a good thing for me, before I knew it Joe and I were buying a house together and our lives were off and running.  The relationship lasted for 12 years, however around year 7 things started getting out of control, we were fighting all the time and drugs had entered the picture and the actual dynamic of the relationship began to turn. He wanted to explore his sexuality and experiment doing different things. I had already been down this road during my first relationship and was extremely hesitant.  This became a bone of major contentment and at that point in my life I should have reevaluated and did another risk assessment and return on investment. If I would have done that I would have saved Joe and I, five more years of turmoil and fighting, which became both mental and physical.

As people our goals and moods can change over time, if you are in a relationship you need to make sure that the goals that you have as a couple mesh well.  Individual goals need to intertwine with the couple goals, if they don't you are going to drift apart and the relationship will self destruct.  Now, I can tell you how devastating that can be after investing so much time with someone and how hard it is to pull yourself back together.  When something like this happens in your life because you didn't mitigate the risks, which basically means you need to seriously look at them, identify them and do something about them.  By mitigating the risks you can save yourself endless hours of pain and misery.  Investing your heart into someone is a scary and exciting thing, but if not handled right you could open yourself up to hurt, disappointment and disillusionment.

Now, let me tell you a little about what is going on in my present relationship, and the risks that are involved with it.  As of tonight there have become some really hairy snags that are going to need to be addressed and fixed before one of us gets hurt.  Now, normally I am not a jealous person and I have been in sexual situations with my partner and other people in a group situation before.  As a matter of fact we went from a love triangle where I was in love with him and his partner, now keep in mind that I had encounters with his partner before they ever met, which sort of made the transition easy and bearable.  I got along with both, but that ended more than a year ago now.  Since then we have been trying to establish ourselves as a couple.  There are some things that are going on right now that are risky, things that I am not necessarily 100 percent comfortable with, and before I can proceed any further, I need to address these issues or take the risk of getting extremely hurt in the process.  Now, trust me I understand the motivations behind this and I understand the financial implications, but all afternoon I have been trying to establish that we need to be more private, that we need to keep others from being in our life and relationship, and now the door is opened for him to make some money using his body, and connections make things happen at the time frame of his choosing.  I applaud his herculean efforts, and I understand the sentiments.  But it gives me pause does he really understand what I mean when I say I don't want to get back into that life, that I want to stay as far away from it as possible and that I want to focus on my career and his?  I don't honestly believe so.

Keeping in mind that I promised I wouldn't get mad when he told me and I haven't, I am trying to work within the framework with the options he has given me, but I want to exclude myself from participating in the actual event.  Honestly, I would be perfectly happy with him doing his thing and then coming to see me, let him have his last fling and get it out of his system, if that is even possible. Because I walked away from that life, and I know that once I open that door back to that world I will be tempted beyond my ability to fight to keep from plunging back into that world.  Not saying there is anything wrong with that. Most of you that read my blog know exactly what I am talking about. You were there with me, and some of your are still there.  But for me with my health issues and new found liberty, I do not necessarily want to screw up where I am heading.  Please understand that I am not judging any of you.  The addictions and demons I fight are private and well documented in my blog.  My heart is at risk, what if I loose him to that world again, what if this time I am not strong enough to pull him back as I have done in the past.  I lost one person in my life to Meth and drugs/sex parties, I don't think I could do it again.  Here I am 4 1/2 years later, wondering am I doing the right thing again?

Time will of course answer that question for me.  I know that my own personal conviction is not strong enough nor do I think I could stand to see him in the situation that he described to me on the phone.  Yes, I love him with all my heart, but I am starting a new job. I have things going for me in my life that are important and I am passionate about. I don't want to jeopardize all that.  So after hearing the risks and assessing them as I have here, I have come to the mitigating part. I have told him to do his thing and that I will come and get him when all is done, bring him down and we can do our thing.  See a part of me doesn't want to see all the other people touching and messing with him. I have been there and done that. It is my turn to have him all to myself, so if this is the way feels it needs to be, then I am fine letting him do it and then pick it up afterwards.

Yes a part of me wants to be there, but will it be good for us? I don't think so, could it become a distraction? Could it be the beginning of a pattern that is bound to be repeated time and again? I sure the hell hope not, and yes it is definitely going to be a distraction.  Once the genie is out of the bottle I don't believe there will be a way to put her back inside again, and I am finally going to loose him once and for all. Because I cannot be what he wants in the end.  FEAR!

Life is full of risks, it is how we approach them, view them, and simply try to mitigate them that will help protect our investment in to each situation.  If the risk is greater than the potential return, then my advice to you is to leave it alone and move on. However, if you find the risk is at an acceptable tolerance, take the risk, get your return, but keep in mind constant observation and reevaluation is key to any successful venture.

I hope this make sense to you and that you can understand in a real sense that you need to be frugal with how you invest your time, money and love, they are not cheap commodities and are hard to replace once they have been poorly invested.  Stop and evaluate the situation, make the assessment I talked about and be totally honest with yourself. If you can accept the risks move forward, if not, then beware of them and move on.  As I am so fond of telling you life is short.  I told my Facebook family tonight just a little while ago, love can endure a lot of things like distance, trauma, drama, but it cannot endure betrayal and doubt.  Make sure you know yourself and your partner before you go down the road that I am sitting on tonight.  Because on one side is happiness and the other is a great big abyss, where will I eventually end up? Only God knows now.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B