Uncontrolled Fear

For the past 2 weeks I have been facing a fear that has become uncontrollable the longer that I have been dealing with my medical situation.  If you are familiar with my blog you will have undoubtedly read that I was told that I have a tumor growing rapidly in my right kidney.  Even worse than that the lab results that were taken this past Thursday show that my kidney functions are steadily on the decline.  This coupled with the fact that I have several other terminal illnesses that my body is also dealing with.  This has not left me with a comfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am not sure what the right course of action is at this moment in time is for me and the treatments that the doctors are suggesting.

What is funny is that I am not afraid for myself.  I am afraid for the ones that might be left alone if I were to die.  Now that I have broached the subject of death, I might as well elaborate on what I am talking about and dealing with.  See I have known for a little while that I had the tumor, what I didn't know was the possibility of it being cancerous.  That pushed it into a realm of unworldliness for me.  I have faced cancer 4 other times in my life and I have managed to get by and survive.  Sometimes in tact and other times not so unscathed by the tragedy.  The last round was back in 2012 and I ended up with a second stoma that I now have to take care of daily, as if one wasn't enough already right.   But through it all I managed to survive only to break my leg a few weeks later.  I am a person who just doesn't have good luck at all  when it comes to my body and my health. 

Since 1992, I have been in a struggle for life versus cancer.  Each time I go into the battle weighing my options.  Most cases the quality of life is the most important factor I look at.  Because there are a few things that I fear such as living as a vegetable or being confined to a wheelchair or having another stroke that limits my mobility further than the spinal fractures have already produced.  My life has not been a paved road with roses, I have had more surgeries and procedures than most people have in an entire lifetime.  At the age of 23 I had my first bout with Cancer and here we are 24 years later and I am still dealing with it.  Sometimes the reason for the tumor has been because of radiation disease, however the treatment options have always been the same.  Surgery and then preventative chemotherapy.  What most people don't know is that each time you have chemotherapy the less likely the treatment will work for you.  Just like everytime you have an operation and go under anesthesia it is harder and harder to come back.  With both of these things being said having close to 29 abdominal surgeries and countless other biopsies, colonoscopies, and other treatments, how hard do you think this surgery is going to be for me?

I am a big proponent of hoping for the best and planning for the worst, because I know how much my body has been through over the years.  Which means I have every right to feel afraid.  Because time is very short on my end, I am trying to get everything wrapped up that I possibly can so that if a complication comes up there is a plan of action.  Now I am not saying that something is definitely crop up, but as my medical track record goes out of every 5 surgeries a complication had arose and I had to stay in the hospital way longer than was expected.  So at this point I have weighed this in my analysis of what is best way to proceed when dealing with the surgery and the doctor recommendations.  But here is another fun fact that goes into my equation.  I believe in the power of pray and I know that God is the ultimate healer and that if it is His will I will be completely healed from this an there will be no decline in my comfort of living.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to pin down and overcome.  Fear is a force that needs to be reconned with.  It is an emotion that can hold you in place, and keep you from moving forward and taking the chance or surgery that is needed.  Fear is something that each of has from time to time.  Having fear doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are a chicken.  Fear is a normal reaction to scary situations and exploring unknown things.  Yet what makes one brave is confronting and dealing with the fear you are feeling.  You can also keep fear in check and use it to garner strength, the same with anger.  Anger is an emotion that can creep in at the most unexpected time, such as when you are frightened or scared.  It is triggered by the feeling of helplessness in that situation, but you must remain calm, know in your heart that this is only a momentary thing, that it will pass and you will not have to deal with it again.  Each time you conquer a fear you will be so much stronger and it will become easier to face the next fear that comes up,

Fear is something that can be beaten, you can gather greater strength and knowledge the more you face and control.  You may be wondering what my decision is about my surgery.  Since I have been worrying about this so much I decided that the best option for me was to have the surgery and face the outcome.  I doubt that my quality of life will improve, but I don't see how it could possibly diminish either by having it.  i have weighed both sides of the coin from the result of all the test that have come back.  My kidney function isn't improving and the medication that I take is building up a toxicity in my blood stream that the kidney can no longer filter out for me.  So at this point it seems that the best option for me to pursue is the one of having the tumor removed and sending off to see if it is malignant or benign.  Like I said earlier in the blog is that I am not afraid of dying and that is true.  I have a fear for those that I have left behind, for those people that I have been trying to help and all of those that I have helped and those that depend on my opinion and me.  But I know in the long run that everyone will be fine.  I just hope and pray that they remember me and do for someone else what I have done for them.

2016 was supposed to be a spectacular year with low or no incidences of health issues.  Lord knows that I would have love that, because in 2015 I only spent 4 days in the hospital versus the year before when I spend almost 10 full months in the hospital.  Life seemed to be getting better for me if you compare 2013 to now.  This time things feel different too me and I fear that I am going to have to face this surgery all by myself.  Long time readers will know that my biggest fear is dying alone and forgotten.  I have done so many things in my life for others that I believe that it will be very hard for anyone who has met me to forget me totally.  But the alone part is the hard thing that I am wrestling with now.  Because I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery is going to be, or where for that matter.  My VA doctors are wanting me to go to Tampa to the VA hospital there,  keep in mind that I live in Daytona Beach which is close to 3 hours away.  I do have an alternative plan when the Urologist here in Daytona could operate on me and bill the VA or medicare which ever one decides to pay. 

Weighing the pros and cons of a situation is one of my ways of dealing with problem situations and which ever column comes out with the list amount of entries is usually the way that I go.  But I also try to analyze the consequences of the choice that I have made.  If the cost and risk outweighs the benefit and least amount of consequence I move in that direction.  Each individual decision has a certain amount of risk involved and it is up to you to weigh the risks against the rewards and make a choice.  You can also try and mitigate some of the risks to make the rewards that much better.  I don't know what you are going through or if this might help someone else out there that might be going through something similar, but I hope that I can reach at least one person that might need the advice. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A contingency Plan

What would you do if everyone keeps telling you that having surgery is extremely dangerous?  With that being said you also need to know that if you don't have the operation the cancer is going to spread and will eventually kill you?  Would you elect to have the surgery and hope that the doomsayers are wrong and that everything is going to be alright or would you take the chance of the cancer staying contained and never spreading?    It is a hard question to process and think about and even more of a drag on your mood and emotions.  These are the questions that I am facing.

However, I think that I have made my decision based upon my past experience with cancer and have decided to have the surgery and hope for the best.  However,  my grandmother always told me to hope for the best but plan for the worse that way you will never find yourself in a situation of disappointment.  So I have gone ahead with the plan to have the surgery and have found a surgeon who can do a minimally invasive surgery which doubles my outlook and recovery time.

But as always I have a contingency plan in place in case things go horribly wrong.  I have asked that my doctors do not resuscitate me in the event of heart failure or death under the anesthesia.  If I am on life support I have asked my step mother and father to make sure that the plug is pulled and that I am let go.  I do not want to have a machine doing the hard work for me even if there is a slight chance that I might pull through.  It is my understanding that the longer you are on the machine the harder it is to come back.  Also I am not sure what would come back if my consciousness has already left my body. 

I am a believer that we are energy beings and I believe that all energy exists in the universe and is neither created nor destroyed just changed.  Therefore if my mind checks out, I check out.  I am ready to start the next phase of life. I have been battling this disease for way to long and the journey has been very rough and tiring, I am ready to move on.  I am very tired after fighting for 22 years. 

Now that this is the 5th bout of cancer that I have suffered through I want to just let go but I don't know how to.  Life is all about choices and decisions we make and the consequences that result from them. If we are comfortable with the consequences then the action taken can be seen in light of our own best interests.  Though it may be hard for others to accept the choices we have made, because no one truly understands where you are at in your own personal life which forms the basis for the conclusion you have reached.

In all things you should weigh the risks and make clear choices that help reduce or eliminate the risks you face. So, putting a contingency plan in place is the best option. It shows that you have viewed the scenarios that surround each issue and have made a conscious decision based on predicted outcomes and should something unforseen crop up you have a way to deal with it. It also shows that you have weighed the consequences and have chosen the best alternatives that you see.  Remember that the future is not set in stone and can be changed by a single situation and reaction. Therefore, I suggest that not only do you come up with a plan to deal with the immediate concern, but also any other conceivable outcomes.  This ensures that all contingencies are met and dealt with at the appropriate time and place. You also might want to work on an exit strategy a separate plan that allows you a quick and orderly retreat and allows you to avoid the risk totally if the cost becomes too great for you to accept.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B 

Not Knowing Might Just Be a Good Thing!

I was talking with a friend today, telling him about how confusing life can be and how I don't know which direction I want to take my life in.  It was then when I was talking to him that I realized it might not be a bad thing not knowing where I am going.  I have tried the college thing, and sitting in an office thing. I have had many careers in my life, and each and everyone of them I didn't actually enjoy.  There were some that I like more than others, there were some that definitely paid more than the one before.  But, where was my happiness, enjoyment, fulfillment and passion?  It wasn't too be had in any of the things I have done.  Since I started writing again, I  have found a peace and contentment that I haven't felt before. I feel a connection to each and everyone of my readers, and a sense of fulfillment I have never felt before.

This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can.  This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you.  So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place?  I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them.  I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone.  I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me.  I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.

Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair.  I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens.  I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.  It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.

But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey.  Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant.  The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way.  Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them.  I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled.  But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward.  So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet.  I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.

I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision.  See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying.  It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it.  Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot.  How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't.  Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new.  Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't.  If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on.  You have to do for you.  No one else is going to be able to do it for you.  Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.

While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices.  I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world?  Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here.  Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take.  But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success.  See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally.  When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.

So what am I actually trying to tell you?  I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it.  Let me try and give you an example of what I mean.  I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to.  He has several choices and options that are open to him.  He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places.  Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision.  He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him.  Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh.  If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different.  See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder.  He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution.  Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.

You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move.  Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.

Let me know if this helps any of you.  I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B