Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Journey Forbidden

The past four years have been difficult and interesting to say the least. I've been evicted from 4 different homes lived on the street twice, during the past two years. I don't know if it's me or the journey I'm on or if it's a combination of things but it's not what I want. I know that I'm not happy, I know that my health has suffered. And that I need a stable environment where I can rest my head.

As the new year 2018 begins I hope to make a new resolution where I am the focus and everyone else takes second place. This will be a first for me, as I have taken care of so many people in the past that it has become a part of my nature to feel the need to take care of others. Yet, as I look back at 2016 and 2017 it pains me to realize that I have put others before me at Great cost to myself and I've lost everything repeatedly. If I was going to do this why am I not at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. Today is a turning point as I realize yet once again how alone I am against the world. Many times I have asked myself when will there be someone who wants to take care of me. When will the person emerge that loves me as much as I love them? The person who can accept my shortcomings as well as my strengths? I had my hopes and expectations raised yesterday only to have them dashed once again by refusal to come with me. For me to yet once again stand alone when all I had hoped for was someone to stand beside me.

All I can tell you is that I put myself in this position.  I put myself in love with someone who doesn't care as much about me as I do them he doesn't want to be with me  he would rather take time off from the relationship then work on it. Yet he tells me I'm the one who ran away rather than face my problems. Actuality what I was trying to do was get away from being on the street to become stable and productive and create a new beginning for the relationship. This is the first time in 4 years that I ever put myself before the other person but it felt good for me to do something for myself for a change.

By no means am I saying I'm easy to get along with or I'm easy to live with. As a matter of fact I know I'm set in my ways I'm almost 50 and the person that I was seeing is half my age maybe that's where the problem lies,  he still wants to party and do things for himself. I'm looking to build a relationship and a future for myself and another person. Maybe he is right maybe we do need to get away from one another for awhile and see what the future holds in store.

Though I find myself once again in the strange and perilous position. There is someone who has shown interest in me, someone who likes me for who I am and wants to be with me.  Here's the truth of the situation, I want to better myself, I want to make sure that I don't end up exactly where I have been. I don't want to settle for anything. I don't want to be around all the drugs and the people whom I got away from. Many of those people helped me to the streets, they took advantage of my kindness and goodness and took what they could and left me to fend for myself broken and penniless.

It is time for me to be happy, time for me to focus on me. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship where there is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who really wants to be with me and see me succeed. Someone on whom I can put absolute trust. But, I am scared that this person doesn't exist. That I am kidding myself and setting myself up to be hurt once again. This is my forbidden journey, to explore and find that one soul that completes my own. To know true happiness.

I have worked and struggled all my life. I have watched everything I built come crumbling down around my ears as the years passed by and the cancer remained. It has been 26 long years and I am extremely weary of the struggle and the fight. But, here I am once again pouring my heart out wanting what I have never once found. I have thought I found it in the past. Spent years trying to make things work trying to create my ideal when it may not exist anywhere but in my mind.

Relationships are full of compromises. They are an agreement between two individuals traveling in similar directions to stand together as one and fight and build something together. If there is any hesitation, doubt, fear or other impediment the progress and the union will become unstable and falter.  Just as in a fight it takes two, so does a relationship. No more than two and no less. Anymore cause rifts and currents that pull and tear at the foundation and less then two is an individual. I am ready for a real relationship.

You want a chance I am willing to give it but don't screw it up because I am not sure that my heart can take another break. The last person I gave a chance to let me walk away. I came back to get them and they made excuses why they couldn't come. Now, when they have no where else to turn they look for me to come and help yet the help was just there yesterday and they let me go once again. They want me to bring them here this weekend when I offered tomorrow or Friday. What is two more days going to do for them? Will they really be ready then. I don't think so. They are not wanting to stay with my friends who have graciously opened up their home to give us a place to stay. Who are willing to give us time and space to get ourselves together before we have to go off on our own. But he is insistent that he doesn't want to and can't live with other people right now. When I told him that my friend Travis was in the car he didn't want to go out and even meet him. This hurt me. 

So I hope that he reads this that he sees what has happened and finally figures out what he wants and needs for himself.

But as for my wants and needs. I want it all. I want everything
I want love, passion, compassion. I want the kissing, hugging, cuddling and most of all I want to be finally happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for at the end of this forbidden journey.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. May you love hard, laugh often and live fully for life is too short .

Uncle B

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Letting go

You may think that taking steps to help myself might look like I may be running away from my problems.  But the truth of the matter is that I needed to look out for my health and well-being, because no one else is going too. Being tossed around on the streets is not a place for someone like me who has so many things wrong with me physically.  I just had a kidney removed back in March and lately i have been showing signs of esophagus cancer. This is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It also needs a stable environment in which to heal and get better. So when things really started going south in my life i chose to take my friend up on his offer to leave behind the world of drugs and uncertain stability. I chose to pick up what remained of my life and head north to a new life i had hoped that others would be happy for me. But to my surprise the people i love the most chose to let me go and stay behind.

No matter what i choose now i guess i am totally on my own. I had hoped that being away for several days would let the others know that i did the best thing for myself and that asking them to come with me is my attempt to make a new beginning for both of us. No matter what anyone else thinks i have not abandoned those i love and who trust me. I have never given up on them and never will. Life is too short for running away. I have chosen a new path and and with any luck a new destiny for myself and those that love me.

It has taken an act of letting go and walking away from my old life in order to create a new life, a new path. In order for me to move forward i needed to shed the old self and begin a whole new life. Moving from Daytona was the first step in the process. The next few days i am going to try and get myself in order. Meet with the VA and medicare to get myself into treatment and make sure that my health is once again taken care of. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Hopefully over the next few weeks my partner will realize that we need each other and will choose to come with me. This will help me greatly to achieve stability and peace of mind.  I can only hope that those of you who read and follow my blog will support my decision and help me convince him that i need him in my life and without him I will never really be safe and healthy.  He is not something that i would willingly or happily let go of. He is my whole world and the one who i depend on most. I have been gone 3 days and it feels so much longer. I don't think he really knows how much I depend on him or how much I care about him.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Thursday, November 2, 2017


Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Monday, October 30, 2017

Under the weather

HiSometimes you just don't feel well no matter what you do. In the past two months I have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and even today I am feeling like I should probably be back in the hospital. I cannot swallow food it all seems to get stuck in my throat and I can't seem to swallow anything.

On top of all of this I have an intestinal blockage and I am I am great deal of pain. I just don't know how long I can go o feeling like this all the time. I just know that the journey that I am on it has just begun. If I can't eat or process food fully then maybe there will be that the doctors can do to ease what I am going through.

It is so hard everyday struggling to eat and feel better about myself when all I feel is pain. Nothing goes down easy and even if it does, it doesn't process properly and gets stuck in my bowel track.  I hope that this situation is short lived and I can move on from there.

I will be finding out if I have cancer once again in the next day or two. I will also be calling about the back brace that the VA is supposed to be having made for me which should help with some of the pain. Anyhow, I will let you know as things progress further.

Just know that right now I am in between places to live and staying in an extended stay hotel in Daytona, hoping that something in my situation will change.  Each day is a struggle there are forces in my life that are pulling me down. I have no idea where to turn at this point.

I guess it is time, I was hoping that something else would change but the current course that things have been going I have to make a decision about my future. For too long I have let everything and everyone go. I am scared of tomorrow but honestly over the past few months I have been trying to make a positive change in my life and yet everything seems to be working against me.

Well, I have this weekend to really evaluate my situation both personal and living. From here it is one hard decision after another. What I do know is that no matter what choices I make are going to have far reaching effects. Not only are they going affect my life but those around me.   I don't know where the future is going to lead but I do know that tomorrow is unwritten and will unfold as fate and destiny have planned.

All I know is that I wish that I had my health and stamina. But of course things never really go as we as mortal humans plan.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Friday, October 27, 2017

Hard times

It's funny how things come and go through our lives and how many of those things we take for granted. Recently, I lost my freedom for a short time due to a decision I made despite knowing that my actions were wrong and illegal.  My decision to help someone else ended up having long reaching effects on my life that I am still feeling today.  It is sad that a simple choice has led to such long reaching  effects on my life and those around me.

I'm here to tell you that if you have second thoughts about doing something,  listen to yourself and don't do it. Because you may not even see all of the consequences your actions might result in.  I could not have known that cashing a check for a friend would pull me in to an investigation of a buglary, robbery, a forgery, as well as grand theft. Which eventually led me to going to jail for 60 days. But, that was just the beginning of the consequences of that one action, there were other unforseen consequences that resulted from that one event. Consequences and fallout that I am still dealing with today. Now to give you an idea of how long I have been dealing with this action. I cashed the check for my friend back in January of 2017 and here we are heading into November and I think that I can honestly say that I will still be dealing with the fallout way into January of 2018 unless by some miracle my situation changes or I end up taking my friends offer and moving away from here in order to save money.

Once I was arrested my landlord's nephew decided to empty out the house that I had rented, threw away all of my belongings and personal stuff that I had in the house. Now, here I am 2 1/2 months later literally homeless and virtually on the street. After being illegally evicted from the house, and being locked up in jail. I get out at the end of August with nowhere to go, no medical supplies and absolutely no medication. I could not have known that a hurricane was going to hit Florida and that my being without my medication that many days was going to land me in the hospital for 14 days in intensive care. Nor did I know that social security was going to stop my check. All of these things are a direct result of my decision to cash that one check which I didn't even get any cash from.

I literally had to go through the month of September and three weeks of October before I could get social security to issue me a check. But, not only not having any money or a place to stay was the end of the fallout that one event was to cause. Still trying to be true to my ideals and beliefs I still tried to help out another person who was struggling just as much as I was.  The result of that led to me getting robbed and losing everything that I had with me when I went to jail and the few things I was able to acquire with my father's help when I got out of jail.  When I got robbed my debit card was taken by the person who robbed me and now the credit union will not issue me a new debit card because you are only allowed 7 in a lifetime.  This just further complicates things for me going forward, because my social security check is direct deposited into that account monthly and in order for me to get that money out of the bank I literally have to go into the branch and physically withdrawal the funds from a teller.  Can you see what I mean when I talk to you about the far-reaching effects that one action had on my life? Can you also see how even now I am still dealing with the fallout from that single event?

I can't say that everything has turned out for the bad, like getting out of that house on Spruce and North Street. That living situation was bad and I could see absolutely no way of getting out of it. So that in itself may yet turn out to be a blessing, because had I not been arrested who is to say that I would not still be stuck in that living situation and that something worse could have happened to me. Because, with all the traffic going through that house and all the attention the police were beginning to show in it, I could be in prison or dead at this point.

Just keep in mind that sometimes our actions can have far ranging effects that we might not be able to see at the time we are doing it. Look at how 10 months later I am still feeling and dealing with the aftermath of cashing that one check.  Some of the consequences I knew were coming but being on the street for months and dealing with my health and how hard it is to get my feet back underneath me were things I never thought of.  Luckily, I have a very good friend who has reached out to me and told me that I can come and stay with him save up some money to rebuild everything that I have lost.

Because the weather has gotten cooler and I am currently in an extended stay hotel room that isn't too terribly bad I haven't rushed in to accepting my friends offer. I have no warm clothes, including no long pants or jeans.  So I am wondering how I could move to North Florida without at least some of the things that I am lacking right now.

After going through all of this, I am more cautious about making decisions and I try to see how many of the far reaching effects my decisions will have on myself and those around me that are affected by any decision I may make. So when you start second guessing yourself and you feel in your heart that you should avoid doing. It may be your subconscious is trying to warn you of trouble that you have yet to identify might be looming just beyond sight.

Hard times can come out of nowhere with very little warning, but they could also come as the direct result of an action you committed or even the fallout that you couldn't have seen from doing that action. You just need to keep your head up and keep going things will get better. You may have to work hard to get back on your feet but once you do you will have a greater appreciation for everything you have worked hard to rebuild and a broader understanding of the cause and effect each of your actions have on yourself and those around you.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.
Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.
At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.
I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

Monday, April 3, 2017

Medical update time

Well folks the official news has come in and I am finally cancer free at this time.  Now,  this doesn't mean that cancer can't or won't come back.  What it does mean is that at the present time all markers and indicators seem to point to the fact that the cancer is gone. I had surgery on March 28, 2017, today is the one month mark of my recovery period. The procedure lasted 5 1/2 hours and I spent 5 full days in the hospital.

Life is funny and full of little turns and twists that keeps us guessing from moment to moment.  Nothing is ever
A 11 smooth or goes exactly the way we planned.  If it wasn't this way our lives would be so monotonous and boring we wouldn't know what to do.

Well they were able to remove a golf ball sized tumor from my right kidney.  From all indications it appears that for the first time in 26 years I am cancer free. Now this doesn't mean that cancer will never come back, because it more than likely will. It just means that at this time my doctor's are pretty sure that it is gone for awhile.

I ended up back in the hospital last week on Wednesday because I had walking pneumonia, but I am home now and doing well. Other than that I can't complain about my health. As always you continued well wishes and prayers are appreciated. Thank you so very much for being my support network and venting board. I want you to know it means the world to me that you are out there reading my blog.

As always live well love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Time and Again

This post is meant to give thanks to the many healthcare providers that have been extremely instrumental in my continued health. Yes it is true that almost weekly I have a myriad of medical appointments and lab work that needs to be done. Yet, if it wasn't for the diligent work of these health care professionals I would probably withered away and have died way before now.

As I am sitting here waiting to be seen by yet another doctor, I am reminded of how much hard work and long hours these professionals put in just to keep​ me as well as their other​ patients healthy and alive. I know that I would be hard pressed if I had to go without the medications that I am on. Monitoring of these medications and the effects that they have on my body are essential to my good health.

There was a period not so long ago when I was on an HIV regimen that wasn't closely monitored and my health severely suffered because of that. It was determined that the regimen that I was on had severely and irrevocably damaged my kidneys. Once it was discovered a monitoring program was soon put in place, but the damage was already extensive and done there was no coming back from it. Less than a year later a small tumor was found on my right kidney and my new journey had begun.

It has been a little more than a year that the tumor on my right kidney was found. The myriad of doctor's and healthcare providers I have been through in just that year alone has been staggering. I'm currently under the care of a urologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville and it looks like the year long journey that I have been on is finally drawing to a close.  This journey has been long and arduous starting with ultrasounds, then CT scans and ultimately ending in a series of MRI'S all of which had indicated continuous growth and the possibility of spreading.

You would think that after 25 years of battling this disease that I might have finally become used to all the test, treatments and surgeries that have resulted from having this disease. But, time and again cancer seems bound and determined to come back. It keeps these myriads of healthcare professional working harder than ever to get me to the state of wellness. Sometimes I dream of having just a few moments of good health to consider myself​ normal and healthy.

I guess as dreams go it isn't a bad one to have. But, no matter the circumstances I am under no illusions that I will ever be able to live my life as a healed, whole individual. That even through their best efforts medical science can only do so much to correct the damage that cancer has done to my body. I must accept the limitations and restrictions that have become my norm and rejoice in the continued life that God has granted me.

Remembering always that man can only do so much when it comes to this vehicle our mind resides in. God who is the Ultimate Physician is the only one with the power to restore me back to full health. I can never truly trust the findings of the world of medicine, because as been my case in the past the predictions that they provide me with have been far from accurate. Only God knows the time and place of my demise. Because everything that I have been through and continue to go through are what strengthens me and gives me the experience I need to get through the next phase of my existence.

See, I have become very familiar with living on borrowed time knowing that any moment might be my last. Knowing that each time I have to have an operation or treatment might be my very last. There seems to always be a new treatment or procedure that has yet to be tried. I'm comforted knowing that in all things God has me in the palms of His hands and that as long as I am needed here on Earth I will continue to make these recoveries and be able to give witness and testament to the miracles of God.

So no matter if time and again I have to be seen by doctor's, nurses, lab techs or other healthcare professionals I will always be in God's Grace and He will take care of my needs .

Rejoice for God is the Healer and architect of your body and can and will restore you according to His detailed plan regarding your life and work.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Borrowed Time

Every day that I draw a breath I am living on borrowed time. I was diagnosed with large cell lymphoma in 1992. I was told that I had eighteen months to live, that by the time I was diagnosed the cancer was in stage four and that even with extensive chemotherapy and radiation the  outlook was grim.

The truth of the matter is that I got better with the treatment and went seven years without a recurrence of the cancer. Yet, the next time cancer reared it's head it was in the form of polyps in my large intestines. I had them removed and was healthy for several more years.  Then in December of 2004 portions of my large intestines suffered damage from the initial radiation that I was treated with in '92. January of 2005 I was given my first colostomy and would go through series after series of bowel resections and abdominal surgeries. Finally in the fall of 2007 my worst fears came to life and the colostomy was turned into an ileostomy and would have to remain in place for the rest of my life.

Again, the doctor's and staff thought that I wouldn't make it through all of this and predicted that I would get seriously ill and pass by Christmas of 2007. Yet once again their predictions were far off the mark. It was December 6, 2007 that I found out that I had contracted the HIV virus and diagnosed as positive. The doctor's fearing that because my immune system was suppressed due to the cancer thought that the virus would spread through my body like wildfire and would soon kill me. So I was put on a strict and powerful regimen immediately.

No one could have guessed that in five short years that these same drugs would irrevocably damage my kidneys and I would end up eventually with kidney cancer.  Since 2011, I have had kidney stones and bladder infections as well as two bowel resections, and an aneurysm. Then in March of 2012, I was told that not only did I have leukemia (large cell lymphoma is considered a form of) I was also suffering from radiation enteritis (disease) which is acting like cancer eating up my pelvic organs. I was also told that the radiation perforated the bowel wall in '92 and had made my pelvis very porous and weakened the walls of my colon and made them thin like tissue paper.

So you can see that I know a little bit about living on borrowed time. One thing I have done in this entry is gloss over a lot of my illnesses and just hit the pertinent information. Just know that today I am facing and dealing with 6 terminal illnesses . 

So, from '92 till now everyday has been a gift from God and gives me something to give thanks about daily. I am about to head to Gainesville, to have the latest tumor removed​ from my body through surgery. Funny when I was diagnosed with kidney cancer I was told 6-12 months were all that I had left. Once again medical science is wrong on this account. My doctor assures me that I am going to come through this surgery and that they would be able to get all the cancer and I should expect a full recovery.

Living on borrowed time is something that not everyone gets. It is a blessing that I have been granted and a luxury that I have been able to enjoy. I am still here 25 years after the first occurrence of cancer. It was not something that I had planned or envisioned, but I am thankful for each and every day.  I had never imagined that I would survive this long. Nor, could I have imagined that 25 years later I would have 6 terminal illnesses and have another surgery looming over my head.

Living each day to the fullest and staying in the moment is the only way to enjoy the precious gift that God has granted us. So, if you are like me and living on borrowed time. Make the best of your situation, share your life lessons with those around you and make everyday worth living. I embrace my illness and I use my life as an example for others so that they might benefit from my experience.

I love you all and wish you only the best​. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I have surgery on March 28th.  God bless you all.

As always Live well, Love much, and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Time and place

When you have reached the fill of bullshit that others throw your way you are going to change major components of your life. This may entail changing your venue and restarting your life over again or simply adjusting the current way you are living.

This prospect is usually unappealing and daunting, but trust me there may come a time and place where this may be the only available option. Each of us have different breaking points just like each of us has different levels of patience and when that runs out tester beware because the resulting explosion may actually take their head off. It is never fun or pleasant to see someone reach their wits end not is it fun to be the recipient of of such a cataclysm.

Life presents each of us with challenges and problems in which we must strive to overcome. We may not know the first steps we have to take, we may even be blindsided by these issues, just know that everything in time has an ending. Nothing lasts forever and all issues seek their own resolution in their own time. Though we may not know the correct actions to take each problem will present it's own resolution in time, be patient and trust that God has you and will carry you through.

I don't know what my point of no return is, and I hope that I am never pushed that far. I am patient and try to be understanding in all things that deal with others. Though I will admit that there are times when my buttons are pushed and my patience is tried, especially lately, my​ health is steadily decreasing due to the advancing of cancer throughout my body and those around me seek to undermine me and test the limits of my nature.

On March 28th I will be heading to Gainesville, FL where at Shand's Hospital they will be operating on me to remove a portion of my right Kidney. To some this might be a routine operation, but for someone like me that has had so many abdominal surgeries in the past this is going to be a tricky procedure. One in which my doctor's feel that I will be successful and recover from. Though, I have my misgivings about such risky surgery since I have suffered near death on a few occasions.

Yet, for all things there is a time and a place. I am reminded of something that I once told you about how it is not the ending of the road but the path we take that creates the character and strength of who we become. We are all works in progress and the journey is what molds and shapes us. Fate and Destiny work hand in hand to bring us to the exact place we are supposed to be at exactly the right time. You will see that no matter the path that you choose you are going to reach the exact spot you were meant to be, at exactly the precise time. This is just one of the immutable facts of cyclical living. Our lives are a basis of cycle and circles, think about it this way everything has a way of coming back around. What's​old will come back in fashion, when one relationship ends another begins and so forth. Life is a series of circles​and cycles.

So, as this time of surgery and recovery looms near, I know that it is but for a mere fraction of time and then I will be on to face something else just as harrowing as this, though if luck holds maybe not as adruous or hard. But again only time will tell.  I just keep firmly entrenched in my mind that "This too shall pass" and remember that nothing lasts longer than it is supposed to. Because everything has it's own time and place.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Checks and balances

Most actions and decisions have severe consequences these are the checks and balances that keep our lives in check.

However, there are some actions that can call for jail time. I am going through a really tough time right now and I am not sure what the outcome is going to be. I made a bad choice and I am now between a rock and a hard place.

This afternoon a detective came to the house to talk to me about a check that I cashed at Amscot. Unfortunately, I didn't want to get anyone in trouble so I only told part of the story. I know that the detective could tell that the story wasn't complete and he thought that I was lying about a lot of the story. I did have to drop a name, but I was trying to protect everyone, what I might have done is seal my own fate and could possibly end up having to do some time in jail.

I was given 2 days to get one of the other people to talk to the detective and to reveal more of the details to the story to convince the detective that I had absolutely nothing to do with the robbery and that I was used as a dupe to cash the check. Luckily I did not cash more than one check. If I would have I would be in so much more trouble than I am now.

I am here to tell you that no matter what you do, there are natural checks and balances in place that keep our lives in check and helps preserve the natural order of things. I am hoping that with all of my medical issues and other concerns that the court will be willing to work with me and allow me to escape this charge with the absolute minimum consequence.

As always, Live well, Love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

There is a thief in the midst

Over the past week or so I have noticed things disappearing from NY room and my wallet. I am not sure what has prompted this latest round of rash thefts but it has become troubling to say the least.

Just on Saturday evening I put $14.00 in the front pocket of my wallet. I folded it up so that it would easily for behind my social security card. This is particularly troubling because no one in the house seems to have the faintest idea of where the money went.  Now, keep in mind that just several days earlier $210.00 disappeared right off of my bed.

Still after all the finger pointing and name calling, I came no closer to the whereabouts of my money. This has really hurt me financially and has put me further behind in catching up with the bills that I owe. At this point I am at a loss as too who I can actually trust and who I should continue to allow to stay in my home.

As the Valentine's day holiday is upon us I have no extra money to treat my partner to anything special for this special occasion. i am no closer to solving my mystery of the
disappearing money than I was last week. It is also very stressful living in such close quarters as we do, not knowing who to trust and who has your back. It is not every day that I am called upon to solve such a mystery. Nor is it any fun that one of the suspects is my partner and another one my best friend. I just don't know what to think at this point. Clearly I have done something to someone for them to do anything like this to me. Yes it was done directly towards me cannot be in doubt. But why when given several opportunities to return the money no questions asked. Silence has remained constant.

So as my financial worries continue to grow my sense if mistrust also seems to be growing as well. I think that if I am patient whomever the culprit might be will end up making a mistake and will reveal themselves to me. Sad as it is to say I also may never actually figure out what happened to that money. But here is to hoping that the perpetrator might eventually let me know that it was them.

As always Live well, Love much, laugh often.

Uncle B

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

There are times when you need to shake your head and walk away

I have been watching two different couples over the past few days tear each other apart with words. Something has to give in these relationships if they are going to survive. "I am sorry" may not be enough to overcome the pain that we inflict upon one another. I am learning that in my own relationship that there has to be a certain amount of give, we cannot expect our partners to do everything the way that we would. See at the end of the day the results are what matter, not the method.

Each of us is taught a certain way to do things and it may differ from how they were taught. We each have our own unique strengths and skills. These attributes are what compliment our partner and complete us making us whole. But no one is perfect and often we lash out with words that are aimed at inflicting maximum pain to those that are close to us. We must remember that words can be lethal and can cause serious wounds that even time can't heal. Be careful with what you say, and more importantly be mindful of how they are spoken. Too often we can get caught up in the heat of the moment and lash out without really thinking. It's those times when we need to try and slow things down and engage our brains before we speak.

I have found myself in these predicaments before and before I realize what is actually happening I get pulled into an argument time and again. So before I open my mouth to speak. I honestly try to think about how my partner may react to what I have to say. I try to couch the words in such away as to avoid unnecessary fallout from what I have to say. However, when this doesn't work I have to divorce myself from the situation and just shake my head and walk away. I know that this might be the best option for me because no matter what at the end of everything an argument might erupt and trouble might be lurking right before me.

Only I have the power stop and argument from happening and only I have the power to walk away and not cause the issue to progress any further. The same is true for each one of you. Remember that it takes 2 to fight and carry on.  One person cannot possibly win an argument with themselves. Try to keep in mind that it might not be what is said, but how it is said that can trigger the undesirable argument that you are trying to avoid. No one is perfect and you can't expect someone else to do what you would do. Because you can only control you and your own actions.

Words used in anger or as weapons can be devastating and extremely hurtful. You must take into consideration this when you are fighting. Because if you don't you one day might find yourself very alone with no one to stand by your side. Words should be used to encourage, uplift and reinforce the positive aspects of your life. Shy away from negativity and focus only on the positive for this will build a solid foundation for your relationship to stand on. Keep in mind that another person whose feelings are a reflection of your own should always be given the benefit of the doubt. Because they are the only ones that are going to have your back.

As always Live well, love much, laugh often.

Uncle B

Sunday, January 15, 2017

When is enough enough?

Sometimes in life you have to weigh whether each situation warrants our continuance or our separation.  Each situation has to be weighed carefully so that we don't hurt ourselves or others.  Many times we enter into agreements or arrangements without thought to the future. You must be true to yourself and honest as well in order to know the appropriate time on which to make our exit. 

Knowing when to fold your hand and throw in, is just as important as understanding the odds of the cards stacked against you. Yes you have made a promise or an agreement, but if all facts were not known at the time of making such agreement can you be truly blamed for ​changing your mind. Though it is never pleasant backing out of an agreement or arrangement it sometimes becomes necessary when your health, wealth and stability are threatened.

Always gather as much knowledge as you can before entering into such arrangements and be sure to keep your​options open for as long as you can. It is easier to change your mind before agreeing than afterwards. Because there are always consequences for terminating an agreement ahead of the prescribed time. Always be wary and aware.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Thursday, January 12, 2017

From the frying pan to the fire

There are some days that it just isn't worth getting out of bed. Today was one of those such days for me. How much trouble can one Sunday bring. Well if you are wondering it can bring a whole handful of them. Trust me when I say that it was no picnic here in the glorious gleaming metropolis of Daytona, just a continuation of a terrible week, that was full of stress and aggravation. It has been already two whole weeks here in this house and still I am waiting on the owner's to finish up the extremely long list of unfinished items. Thank God the bedroom and bathroom doors were finally put in.

As the severe winds and storms lashed out at my new home I understand the reasoning why the rest of the windows have to be totally replaced. The makeshift curtain that I made out of a bedsheet flew across my room as the wind came rushing in around the old rotted frame. Hail fell from the sky and the rotten wood along the edges of the roof finally ripped off and fell to the ground. All of this should have been done prior to anyone occupying the house, but alas it hasn't been.

The weekend has passed and I never saw any of the owner's show up to paint the house, which by the way I was called Tuesday morning of last week to remind me that they would be here bright and early Saturday morning to begin painting. I was also told that later Tuesday afternoon that someone needed to be at the house because the electrician would be here to looking to why the second bedroom has no power. Here it is early Monday morning a week later and little has been done to our house. It is awfully funny how the landlord had told us prior to moving in that everything had been finished and that the house had been sitting empty for 3 months till he could find just the right tenants to move in. Well if this place is finished then I am probably the exact tenant that he needs here. 

But enough of that aside for now, why was today the perfect day for me to stay in bed? Well for one my best friend's ex boyfriend who stole my pain pills, got himself arrested and then showed up at my house the very next day apologizing for his behavior and assuring me that he had over $300.00 for me. All he has to do was go down to police property and get his things. This took over 5 hours to complete and when he got back instead of the $300 he only had $120. My friend needed to borrow most of that to get caught up on his bills but low and behold the guy took off again with not only my $120 he also got my friend for $50 more dollars. I waited all day and dude never came back or reached out to me at all. So not only am I out my pain pills, I am also broke and I feel bad that my friend lost his money and I have been unable to help him out.

On top of all of this it was 4 years ago that I was notified that my sister had died and left this tired old world behind. Now truly her two sons are orphans and I am the only person left to take care of them. Not that I haven't been doing this already for over 15 years.  In all honesty it was knowing that she was still here even though she was paralyzed and on respirators that gave me the strength to try and be a good parent and role model. I know that in many ways I was not prepared for the responsibility, nor had I experienced enough if my own life to be much more than a good friend to these young boys. Much too my shame it is also when I learned about drugs and the hard truths about addiction.  As I lay under my blankets and think of all these things something comes to me just before midnight. I must have done a fairly good job with both of the boys, neither of them have really ever been in trouble, both of them are working, both of them are married and I am a grandfather/granduncle 4 times over. I ended up legally adopting them when it became clear that there was no hope of recovery for my sister.

So even though today was a very hard and lonely day for me. I at least realized that everything happens for a reason and though I did so many things wrong, I must have done some very right. I may be stressed out about this house, my health and my troubled relationship, my lack of money and my deep feelings of dispair, depression and loneliness. I have still got my family and everything that I have accomplished and been through to sustain me during these especially hard times. I just have to keep in mind that this too shall pass as all things before them. Much love my family. I love you dearly you keep me going even when I feel that all has been lost.

As always Live well, love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Monday, January 9, 2017

Lazy Days and Rainy Days

Man I honestly thought that 2017 was going to be a better year than last year. As you have read December was my all time worst month, everything just cascaded and life became a huge cluster fuck.

Already 2017 has started off to such a rocky start that I am pretty much ready to throw in the towel and just ask Heaven for a do over.  January 5th  the sheriff showed up at the door to the place that I was staying and issued a 24 hour vacate notice. The judge in her infinite wisdom decided that she wasn't going to hear any arguments in Ms. Millie's eviction case. She arbitrarily sided with the landlord.

I was caught totally off guard and very ill prepared for removing everything from that house in just 24 hours. Further, I knew that neither of us had enough money to really get into anywhere and I was worried that I was going to be back out on the streets this time with an 83 year old woman in tow.  But heaven does provide for our needs and that night we went and looked at a small two bedroom house, I knew that it was going to be very tight financially for us to get in there, however the landlord was willing to work with us so Friday morning at 9:00 am my father arrives with his truck and we started the move. After making 4 or 5 trips back and forth my father had to call it quits. He really wasn't feeling well and we were all extremely tired. Unfortunately, there were quite a few things that ended up getting left behind. Many of the lady's clothes were left behind with all the food items we had and a whole cabinet of cups and coffee mugs.

Much to my dismay I was not able to find her a ride back out to the house. So all of the stuff that was left behind is more than likely lost forever by now. Not too mention that Friday night and almost all of Saturday it rained and the temperature plummeted leaving us very cold and miserable.  Tonight is now Sunday and we have gone the whole weekend without water or electricity. It being so cold out really made our brief stay in our new home pretty much a miserable disaster.

I am actually looking forward to this upcoming week with great anticipation, because I am so much closer to finally having my surgery that has been talked about for months. If you recall the local hospital decided that they were not equipped to handle such a complicated case as mine. So I have been referred to Shands hospital at the University of Florida in Gainesville.  It is about time that this surgery has been scheduled. It has been 9 months since the operation has been discussed.

But as you can see 2017 really hasn't started off that great and is nothing to get excited about. However, like most things in life a slow start can lead to unexpected rewards.

One thing that you can be certain of is rainy days and Monday's will always get you down

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

It all comes down to timing

I know that you have heard the old saying "timing is everything", and I would have to agree. See no matter what decision you make or path that you take is governed by timing. Let's look at it a little more closely and I think you might begin to see what I am talking about and where I am coming from.

For example you choose to start a new business venture, three months after you started your new enterprise the county decided that the road in front of your business needs to be torn up and redone. Had you wait just 6 months longer to open up this construction wouldn't have disturbed your business in the slightest and might have already been completed. Yet, you didn't wait and getting to your place becomes a nightmare and business drops to almost zero. Now, if you can afford a setback like that the timing of your opening may not have caused any concerns. But, if you are like most of us these delays could bankrupt your business.

Another example could be of being at the right place at just the right time. In this scenario your timing was on point and you benefitted from it. However, the inverse could also invariably be true as well in the wrong place at the wrong time and inevitably you end up in a non beneficial situation or worse. You could end up finding yourself much worse off then you might have otherwise been.

Timing has relative meaning to each one of us. The perfect time for you might be an adverse time for someone else. Each decision that you find yourself faced with you have to weigh not only the potential gains but the losses as well. There isn't a standard that you can use for every decision, each must be weighed carefully by the pros and cons that you can see visibly, and gains and losses that could be received if conditions and timing are right. This is what loss mitigation is all about.

But, as most of are far from perfect and we tend to suffer from impatience, we end up rushing our decision making process without really assessing the risks involved and therefore end up choosing the wrong timing altogether. I recommend wholeheartedly to look at every decision from every angle you can possibly think of, do a full risk assessment and make as educated decision as possible. Your timing might not be perfect, but it probably could have been a lot worse if you didn't take the time to weigh out everything as thoroughly as possible.

Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect moment, that you have to take time and create each moment as they come to you and make them as perfect and memorable as you can. Weigh every single option you are presented with for each and every decision to figure out the optimal timing for everything.

Trust me no one gets it right every single time. However, by taking the time and researching every angle you might find yourself in a pretty good situation most of the time. Honestly friends timing is everything, and can mean the most towards your happiness.  It is never to late to start assessing your life, situation and decisions. I think once you do you will find that you have more control and flexibility towards the outcomes that come your way.

Sit back and reflect on this I think if you put your mind too it you can see where I am coming from.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

When time stands still

Years ago I talked to you about time. How I believe that time is a man made device that regulates our lives and makes us into a frenzied mess. However yesterday I was thinking about certain times that time seems to stand still for us under certain circumstances.

For those who are incarcerated time takes on a different meaning. While you are in jail time becomes leaden and flows at a much slower pace. While in jail life continues on the outside at a regular normal pace.

Another time that time seems to take on a different feel and flow is when you move to a new place or state. With that change comes a new feel of anticipation as you explore your new surroundings. I would suppose any type of travel would tend to elicit a similar type of feeling.

Separation from loved ones effects both our feelings of loneliness and our longing for the parting to end. Time feels like it literally comes to a halt. Hospitalizations often feels like you are locked up in jail though the circumstances are definitely different in just about every single way imaginable.

As I have gotten older the fluid March of time hasn't increased but days, weeks, months and even years seem to fly by faster now than they ever did when I was younger. It also seems like I could fit more into my day back then better than I can now.

So if time which is measured by ticks on a clock how does this feeling of acceleration actually take place. Possibly it is through the lenses in which we view time from or just the perspective we look at our life by.  Or even better yet time could be limited by our focus and attention span.

I believe that our mind is what perceives the flow of time and time itself actually never changes. If you don't believe me think long and hard on this. Or just wait a few years and you will be surprised at what you might feel then.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much, Laugh often.

Uncle B

Monday, January 2, 2017

Contemplations and decisions

2017 has already opened up a whole new group of contemplations and decisions for me to consider. My partner and I have been talking for several months about relocating out west.

On New Year's day I spoke to my friend in Washington state and talked to her about moving out there. I should be hearing something back from her tomorrow. My ex lives in Los Angeles California and has told me that I can move out there with him. So, here I sit wondering what I should do. Money is tight for me being paid just once a month, but my experience here in Daytona Beach has been less than stellar.

I have never lived in a place where so many people steal from one another. Even in Atlanta where people are constantly moving in and out because of job transfers have I experienced as many thieves. So even though I could probably get a new place here. I feel like life is pulling me in another direction.

Yesterday I was telling you about my partner losing his grandmother and that certainly is one thing that is weighing heavily on my mind. Another is my friend being arrested last night, I am staying with her mother and I really want to make sure that she is taken care of and not left without help or alone.

So what is a person supposed to do? Lord knows that I have my own health issues to think about as well as my own well being. Then, you have to add on my concern for my own parents that are in their 70's. My father is going to be fine my brother and step-mother will be there to take care of him. My my mother on the hand is not in the best of health. 2 years ago she lost the use of her legs and has become paralyzed from the waist down. She would love it if I came up to Pennsylvania to help take care her. The only problem with that is she wants me to come alone. But after almost 3 years being together I just can't up and leave my partner, especially when we aren't having problems.

Now, a couple of months ago when I was so sick and him and I were breaking up every other day it might have been an option for me.  So what are my thoughts on this relocation plan? California is rather expensive compared to where I am living in Florida. But, having lived in Hollywood, I think that it would be some place I could see myself settling down in. But on the other hand I have heard that Seattle is a beautiful place and I have always wanted to go out there and see how it works for me and my health issues. The only drawback that I can see with that is I am no longer used to the cold. Seattle has a fall and winter that I have not had to experience since 2010 when I last stayed up in Pennsylvania. In 2014, I was in California and 2012 and 13 I was here in Florida. Now 2015 and 16 I was here as well.  I am leaning towards Washington state if the truth be told. I know that it is clear across the country from where I am currently living but I believe that it is time for a change and I believe that the time is also right.

Change is in the air and after the year I had I am truly ready to get out of this area.

May your 2017 be filled with joy and laughter. I will keep you informed as to what my decision finally turns out to be. You will also notice that now that 2017 has come my tag line has changed.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.
Live well, love much  and laugh often.

Uncle B

Sunday, January 1, 2017

The New Year 2017

Well another year has passed me by, one that seemed to be less trouble than the years that have gone before. Oh how I wish that was true. But to my chagrin I spent so much of this past year in the hospital. There for awhile it seemed like I had a permanent residence right there in Florida Memorial Center.

2016 was a year that I am extremely glad to put behind me. It was a year that brought me in contact with the most unsavory of characters. People who would gladly claim they were your friend and then rob you blind. It was a year where I lost everything of value and taught me that things can get much worse then what they were. 

It was in 2016 that I turned 48, it was also the year that cancer decided to crop up in both my kidney and my lungs. When Halifax hospital turned me away and said that the cancer was too complex for them to handle and I was referred to the University of Florida hospital (Shands) for follow up and surgery. I also learned over again that I no longer want to do drugs anymore, that my life was worth more than a needle in my arm.

In 2016, I gave in to my suicidal nature and tried unsuccessfully to drug myself to an early grave.  I lost most of my good friends and became homeless. It became a time in my life for introspection and self evaluation which culminated in my decision that 2017 was going to be a time for change.  Daytona Beach is not the place that I want to stay much longer.

2017 rang in at midnight and I was safe at home reading a book and keeping to myself. My partner got out of jail Thursday December 29th, but he had no way to get in touch with me. I still haven't seen him and it is January 1st. I have talked with him and I have to say that December hasn't been nice to either of us. He just got out of jail on December 3rd he missed Thanksgiving then he was arrested on December 15th and missed Christmas. I spoke with him today via Facebook Messenger and found out that his grandmother had passed away on Thursday. I am sad that I am not there with him as he deals with this tragedy. But, he really hasn't tried to get out to where I am staying. I have told him that I am here for him if he needs me

This first day of the New Year has already turned out to be not so hot. I am thinking that it maybe one of those slow burn types of situations where everything just starts out but gets better as it goes along. Here's keeping my fingers crossed for that one. So let me tell you how 2017 has started for me. I spent time this afternoon with the family, told them of my upcoming trip to Gainesville to meet with the surgical and urological teams at Shands, how from this meeting a plan of care will be developed and surgery planned. Then I came back to the place I was staying took a little nap, read a book for awhile then the police came. Tonight was the night that they came and took my friend Lisa away. She had been trying to stay under the radar, but apparently they were looking for her and decided tonight was the night.

I feel bad for Ms. Millie to have to watch her daughter be taken out of the house and off to jail. Then she called and said that she thought that I had something to do with her being arrested. It makes me feel even worse that Lisa thinks that I had something to do with her getting arrested, she said while speaking to her mother that someone called on her. Told Ms. Millie to not trust me, and I have been the only one who has been trying to help out buying food and trying to make sure that Ms. Millie has been taken care of.

So 2017 may be off to a rocky start but surely it will start to get better for everyone.

I hope your 2017 is going good, no great, for you and your family.  May all your resolutions be fulfilled and your dreams be realized Happy New Year my friends.

God bless you and keep you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B