Unexpected Turn of Events

Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer.  That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again.  This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left.  I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again.  Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.

Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore.  What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in.  Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search.  What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place.  The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.

The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles?  I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta.  So I haven't been back here is such a long time.  But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a  .  Even with  assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed.  I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld.  Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record.  This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information. 

I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon.  I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem.  So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.

Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail.  Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally.  Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate.  He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly.  Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me.  This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.

However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it.  Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer.  I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me.  My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues.  He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me.  But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.

Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before.  I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again.  This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years".  These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain.  There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point.  Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated. 

I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else.  I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open.  I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether.  I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him.  That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me.  I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.

If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time?  I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time.  Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.

However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has.  For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape.  I am not alone in this battle anymore.  My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family.  Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.

But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it.  What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of.  It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible.  Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established.  I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.

Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level.  Let me know what your thoughts are on this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The Past is never far away

This month has been a trying and tiring month for me.  I found out the hard way that the past comes back to haunt you when you least expect it.  I started work in April for Spring Mobile an AT&T Authorized Retailer, things were going very good and I was really enjoying my job.  I was being trained as an opener and closer for the two different stores.  At one point it was even mentioned that I might be trained as an assistant manager.  But during this time home life started to get a little complicated. My friend Travis's lover got really sick and ended up in ICU at Shands Hospital in Jacksonville, FL.  I ended up having to take a couple of days off because at one point because Mario's dad flew in to see his son in the hospital.

Just a week ago, I went into work and was called into the office. The district manager came in and sat down and began talking to me.  My background check came back with some issues that he wanted to address.  I was told that there was a couple of items that showed up while GameStop was doing my background check.  I knew immediately what they were talking about.  For those of you that remember last summer back in July I got in trouble with a misdemeanor that ended up violating my probation that I was place on for cashing a bad check.  Now, it was my understanding that when I appeared before Judge Case in Daytona that this matter was finished an over with.  As a matter of fact I was sentenced to 60 days in Jail and upon completion was deemed non adjudicated.  The district manager asked me for my side of the story, I explained it to him and was told that I needed to bring in the paperwork from the court showing the dispensation of the charges.  I immediately called the public defenders office in Volusia County and within 15 minutes I was bringing them the paperwork that they had asked for.

The very first page showed the adjudication withheld status, but I was still told that I was going to be suspended till legal could look over the document and give the district manager their input as to whether or not the company was going to continue to utilize me.  I was upset and frustrated by this decision because I think that it was totally unfair and with everything else that was happening in my life with my friend Travis's lover in the hospital I certainly felt that this was the worse possible timing that could have happened.

But the rub of the story is that I was off the entire weekend and when I was actually scheduled to work, and as I was getting ready to go back to work for the following Tuesday because I saw that my name was still on the schedule. I got a call from the store manager and was told that Spring Mobile had decided to part employment.  I was very upset and sent a message to the district manager asking him to call me back and fill me in on the whole decision.  He promptly returned my call, but explained that as far as he could tell from what the legal team was telling him was that I was incorrect in my assertion that adjudication was withheld.  I was given a number to call and I called them immediately and launched an investigation and requested that more research be done on my behalf and asked for the decision be reversed.

I was told that the process would take about 2 weeks and that the employer would be notified, but here is what happened.  I was removed from all the email and chat groups, and my work email was terminated immediately. I still haven't heard back from the investigator about what was happening with my request and here it is a week later and I am gainfully unemployed and have no real prospects of anything else.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.

Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.

At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.

I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

Eyes of a stranger

I walk down a narrow path,
I hold my head up high
So I can See all of you pass by
Steep is my narrow path.

Fraught with pitfalls and traps
You never know who or what you will cross.
Maybe its for the best perhaps
It is in the eye of a stranger that show you their dread and loss!

In the eye of the stranger you see lost hope,
You don't know where your voice might lead,
Fear and loss is their watchword and deed.
Sometimes it feels like I am at the End of my rope.

Abandon fear, gather hope hold on strong
Look deep within yourself
Every issue, problem and trouble will move swiftly along.
Everything has an expiration date that sits on the shelf.

It is in the eyes of a stranger that you see yourself reflected

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Pulling it together

You know every time you fall apart when a crisis comes your way or you hit a brick wall in your life.  I want to talk to you about that today.  See, emotions play a big factor in how we handle what life throws at us.  I once told you that you are measured by the grace in which you rise from your problems or when you hit rock bottom.  What I mean by this is that you are not judged by what you are gong through but how you handle the situation with grace and tact.  It takes you 10 times longer to pull yourself together once you have fallen apart.

Now, you may be wondering what I am talking about when I say falling apart.  Not everyone of us falls to pieces when trouble comes our way. However, as humans we have to factor in the emotional state of the person that is having the problem.  See emotions play a significant part in how you handle a situation.  How many times have I told you that you need to calm down, count to 100 or just divorce your feelings from the situation?  A lot!  It is not only important for you to tackle the problem clear headed and unemotional as it is for the others that you are dealing with.

I know that I used to hold my emotions in.  I wouldn't tell anyone when I was upset.  However, what was happening someone else would come along and do something so minor that it triggered an explosion from me.  That's right little old me would blow up at the least little thing and what I found out was I was taking my anger, frustrations and guilt out on the wrong party.  The person who was facing the brunt of my anger was not who I was truly angry with. This is what I am trying to help you avoid.  Put te blame where the blame is due, don't hold anything in, take care of the situation as it happens and you will see how much better you feel.  It took me a long time to be able to express how I am feeling, I am a person that doesn't like confrontations and I try to avoid them at all costs.  However, it is in my best interest to let my feelings out when the issue arises because I don't want the wrong person to get my wrath when they didn't really do anything to deserve it.

I have told you before that you have to analyze a situation from every angle.  Step outside of the box and look at the issue from a different perspective.  I know it is hard to do, but if you can get past the emotional side of things and express your feelings either to yourself or to your partner and come at it with a clear head you will begin to see that the mountain you thought you were facing has many different options for getting past it.  We all seem to take our personal problems and make them out to be bigger than they really are.  I know that I do it. I take a molehill and make it a mountain when I am emotional about the situation, however once I calm down and start to think about the issue or problem with my rational thought and clear mind I begin to see the root of the problem and the many ways that I can fix or address it.  But, it I come at it with my emotions raw and I am hurting, I just may say something or do something that I might regret later on.  Remember it is not what you say but how you say it.  Words have power they can cut, destroy and cause wounds that never heal.  So be careful what you say, and keep in mind how biting and sharp your words are and how your tone and inflection might cause someone else pain.  Your attitude plays a major role in this process.

Once I get out what I have to say, my mind reacts like nothing ever happened.  I snap back to my up beat happy self like the issue was never there.  I am one of the few people that can do that.  If someone does something too me and I have an issue with it, if I address it right then and there and get out what I have to say about the problem, five or ten minutes later I am fine and have moved on like nothing ever happened.  I know a lot of you aren't like that and it takes you a lot longer to get over something, you have some animosity and feel a certain way about the situation for a while. However, eventually you get over it and move on.  Now, how do I accomplish this feat?  It really isn't that complicated really.  I just remember what I keep telling you that this too shall pass and I keep my head down and continue moving forward.  It is the only thing I know to do, and I don't like having a burden or grudge so I get rid of it as quickly and efficiently as I can.

It important to take away from this that no matter what the situation is, if you can keep your emotions out of it and can tackle it with a rational mind and clear head you will find that you won't fall to pieces every time something bad comes your way.  Remember it takes 10 times longer to pull yourself together when you fall apart.  Emotions play a significant role in causing us to lose focus on the issue and tends to magnify it a thousand fold.  Everything has it season and everything passes, you will survive and it will pass.  Wait and see.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B