Friday, November 27, 2015

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Oh to be Thankful

It's that time of year again where we come together as family and friend's too celebrate what we are thankful for, the blessings that we have received throughout the previous year.

This tradition comes from our forefathers that pioneered our country, but has since become a worldwide tradition. Families all around the world get together this one day out of the year to celebrate and give thanks for what they have, what they have come through, and who hey are with.

Thanksgiving is the beginning of our holiday season, where people start thinking and caring for others. Last year at this time I asked each of you to try and celebrate your blessings daily. I asked you to think of others besides yourself and to reach your hand out in love and friendship to any and everyone that you came in contact with. Remember me telling you that you never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you. I also stressed that by extending our selves with compassion ,love and understanding that the world around us would become a much better place. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own problems and ignore or choose not to see those around us that may be struggling with life and living ourselves. Don't you think it would be a much happier and friendlier place to live if everyone around us followed my advice?

I keep trying to remind you that everything in this life is temporary and transitory. Now for those of you that don't understand what I am trying to tell you here is a better way to think about things. Each and every situation that you find yourself in,  know in your heart that somehow you are going to make it through. The way my grandmother used to put it was " this too shall pass".  Transitory means ever changing or moving around., nonpermanent.  Just think about it, how much easier is your life going to be if you always keep in mind that everything moves on, no problem is too big and won't last forever. Because everything in our physical world has an expiration date. We may not know what that date is, all we need to know is that for a period of time you are going to have to deal with it and then it is gone.  This alone should lift some of your hearts. But, keep in mind that you are probably not the only person going through whatever it is. Someone out there is dealing with something very similar and might have the answer that you are looking for.

This time of year is also a time to work through self pity and depression, no matter what you are going through or facing, there is someone else out there that is going through something much more difficult or who is worse off then you. By giving thanks daily for the blessings you receive will make it easier for you to put yourself in someone else's shoes. To truly understand what they are going through and will allow you to extend your hand in compassion. Helping them to ease their burden and by doing so may actually ease your own.

Thanksgiving is a time where we need to reach out to those around us who comfort us, strengthen us, and give us stability and thank them for their help and support.  I have learned over the last few years just how important a support network is to me. Especially now that I am sick.  Life happens to everyone and time marches forward and none of us knows when our time will end here on earth.

So let me tell each of you this: I am thankful and grateful that each and everyone of you is in my life. You mean the world to me, and have been through an awful lot of health issues and relationship problems, but as always I have made it through and I want you to know that I couldn't have come this far without your love, support and help. You are my extended family. I love you!

Once again I call on you to not just make Thanksgiving not just one day a year but a celebration that last throughout the coming year. I promise that by being thankful and being loving and compassionate to others will make your world so much better and people will respond in kind. Trust me this can work and each of us can make this world a better place. Remember that nothing lasts forever and you will make it through. Let me know how you are doing.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Monday, November 23, 2015

Why others lose faith in us

When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness.  I often talk about being a person with integrity,  strength of character and honor.  These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.

A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit.  Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild.  Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to,  it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.

Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person.  Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal,  however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed,  it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.

With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other.  The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient.  I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason.  Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.

Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions.  The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.

Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken.  It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.

Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately,  expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person.  Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else.  But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else,  unless they allow you to.  You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning.  I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.

So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.

I really hope that this helps you out there,  I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything.   Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

God and I

The past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the illnesses and obstacles that have come my way over the years.  It got me to thinking about a book I read once called "Sacred Contracts " written by Carolina Myss. It is an excellent book and if you get a chance you should read it.

Because of the book, I am more in control of my life and destiny than ever before.  See as she explained it, we chose the life we are living before we are born. We have a job, duty or mission to accomplish while we are here on earth. She further explains that the reason why we don't recall these events are because of our mortal birth.  When we leave our spiritual form foe a human one we lose all of our prior knowledge.  The reason for this is we truly have the freedom of choice and we need to learn as much about living and life.

But when I look back at many of the things that I have gone through,  I sometimes start to wonder if I am strong enough to carry on.  My life has not been easy. I have suffered and battled cancer 4 times since I was , I have at times though that the world might be better off without me. But the honest to goodness truth is that I don't do well with pain, also I have very poor or no luck at all, therefore I have never really contemplated committing suicide,  because I know that I would screw it up and end up worse than I am already .

I just wonder sometimes if I am ever going to  accomplish the job thatI contracted with God to do. Further,  I have seen so many people pass on and the were younger than me and their health didn't seem to be as poor as mine. But then again that is from my perspective. The first of my friends to pass was my best buddy and bowling companion. He was 30 years old and was taken so quickly. We had bowling practice on Saturday for the upcoming Dixie Tournament.  Glenn passed out and fell half way down the lane.  I had to help him get up and out of the alley. I made him promise that he would let me take him to the emergency room the next morning.  He never came home. He died 4 days later, his lungs filled with fluid and he never regained consciousness.   I setup a memorial for him so that his family could see and understand what their son Glenn was all about.

The next friend to pass was Sue Renaud, we were in a skilled nursing facility together.  Her and I got really close and it kills me that she died right after my birthday last year,  unfortunately I was not there when she passed and I didn't find out right away.  Another great friend was Mary, if you have been following my blog you might recall the article I wrote about her. "Larger than life " was the title.  Mary and Sue died in January, Sue died because of respiratory distress. She was 56.  Mary died because of a brain tumor that spread rapidly. Mary has just turned 32 yearsold. She was one of the first people I met when I first moved to Ormond Beach.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel sadness at my loss of such wonderful people, who were called home before me.  I know that God placed these very special people in my life. Because I got the opportunity to get to know each of them. Each one of them taught me something that I needed for my future. Each person taught me specifically how to survive and adapt to what life sends my way.

None of us knows how much time we are allotted to be on earth,  therefore it is important to live each moment like it is your last and you really need to stay in the present moment.  I know that it is easy to get trapped in the past by your past. However,  if you are busy carrying baggage from your past you can't move forward,  you become stuck and can't pick up anything else.    Now I find myself drawn back to the past quite a bit and it is a struggle to remain in the moment and present. When I was 24 I found out that I had stage 4 large cell lymphoma and I thought that I was going to die. Here I am writing to you 22 years later.

I sometimes wonder if my friends that have passed on if they have or had completed their sacred contract or was extenuating circumstances got in the way.  I guess that it doesn't really matter,  because apparently God isn't giving me a pass and I am going to hav Rd to fulfill my Sacred job. Otherwise I would have not made it through so many medical issues and not dying.

I have complete faith in God and I know that He is the great physician and can totally if He desired. But I believe that everything I have been through and are going through are necessary lessons that I need to learn and overcome what is in store for me.

I know that God and I have a longer journey ahead of us. I know that I have yet to dicover and complete my Sacred Contract. Yes at times I get discouraged and feel like surrendering and giving up. So you can see that living in the now and moment is very important to me.  I have no way to measure the amount of time that I have left here. But I am going to make everyday 9f my life and treat them like they are my last.  Try living in the moment and every day like it is your last and you will find out that things start going easier and life takes on 's different meaning.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Here I am

Knock knock
Do you hear me?
I am knocking on your hearts door
You have changed the locks
I can't get in...
Knock knock
Only you can open the door again.
The man before you is incomplete
You are my confidence in the face of fear
You are the strength I lack
You are my memory
The best of me is you
I lost you due to foolish pride
Now I am lost without you by my side
I miss you with all my being
You are my reason for being
Please forgive me and come back
I love you

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Setbacks for the positive and negative can keep you from moving forward

It's amazing no matter what I go through on a day to day basis people never cease to amaze me. It just goes to show that no matter how well you think you know somebody, the truth is you will never actually know the real them unless they want you to.  Each of us fears something,  each of us are insecure about other things. Life has become a huge game of hide-n-go-seek, we have found it easier to hide our fears and insecurities behind a facade or an ever evolving mask.

We in expertly build walls to keep others from discovering our fears and weaknesses. But it can be those very same walls that trap us and make us prey to our emotions. Have you never thought about how the person you know isn't quite the same one that you originally met? It becomes evident the longer that you are around and they become more comfortable around you, the more their mask will shift.

So with that in mind as we move forward, that we don't over compensate or inflate the very thing that we are trying to hide from ourselves and other's.  Yes, my friend it is sad but true the masks we wear and personas that we painstakingly and elaborately create, tend to hide from ourselves as well as others. If you want to be accepted at face value then you have a lot of inward looking and soul searching to do.

To a certain extent these masks that extend in to wall creates a pattern of behaviour and once you can recognize a pattern the easier it is to understand the underlying fear or anxiety that has caused it.  The hard part of this is honesty to oneself. I would caution you here, do not think that this is a light matter, many of us have spent years building up our defenses and our walls to protect ourselves from constant pain or crippling fear. But, if life isn't full of challenges and hard won victories I don't think the change would be lasting.

You maybe wondering by this point what does all of this have to do with setbacks?  Here it goes our lives are based on patterns and in oder for us to change the pattern we have to understand what caused it to begin with.  The setbacks we experience are nothing more than the results of the choices and decisions we have made. Further any behaviour or pattern that can be learned can therefore also be unlearned. All that really matters is that you face your fears and anxieties  on your terms and when you choose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Broken Merchandise

Dust has gathered around my place, I never move and no one ever looks at me.  I am broken and damaged beyond repair.  So I idle my days away in the same spot on the same shelf and watch as people pass me by.

Where is my chance? When will I have a home of my own with someone to love me? No one even bothers they can see that I am broken.  Everyone is looking for the new and amazing and I am old and broken so here I sit on my shelf day by day.

I hope against hope that someone will see the beauty in me.  But they never look past the exterior, all they see it the broken man, they turn away and choose someone else.  It has to be perfect with no mar or scar, and here I am broken and battered.

No one wants me and I guess no one will.  So as the dust gathers around me and people pass me by day after day. All I can do is dream and hope.