Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Tuesday was one such day for me. It all started off when I called my doctor to get a refill on my xanax prescription. The nurse called me back telling me that the doctor was not going to sign for the refill because it wasn't on my medication list that was passed on from my other doctor. I went round and round with them over the prescription and in the end I had to go into the office and have an exam. When I got there the nurse went over my pill list again with me and I made sure that the Xanax was put on the list. While she was going through my chart she told me that there were some lab and test results that had come in from my last hospitalization, that the doctor needed to go over with me. I thought that it was my routine blood results or other test that the doctor had ordered previously. Much to my surprise when the doctor came in he told me that the biospy results were in from the hospital and as he spoke the harder it became for me to breathe, my heartbeat sped up and I literally felt the world come apart right then. The news was not something that I wanted to hear, after all that I had found out on December 1st about my health, I just couldn't handle everything he was telling me. My tumors have begun to spiderweb and spread and surgery alone cannot possibly get all of it. He told me that radiation was out that since I am already suffering from Radiation enteritis that he felt that my body couldn't possibly handle any more. Chemotherapy treatments may prove effective, but it was going to be extensive and painful. Oh and to top it all off he didn't think that it would be effective or aggressive enough to handle what has started developing in my body.
Then my partner and I have been going through some really rough times and nothing I do seems to work to fix the problems, It has gotten so bad that my elderly roommate ended up having to call the cops on him because he wouldn't stop fighting or screaming at me. Life sure isn't fun when the chips are down, and not all that hot when they are not. I tend to not let stuff like this bring me down but for the last couple of days nothing has gone right for me at all. I am so overwhelmed and instead of things getting better they seem to be getting worse. The house that I ended up moving into has not been completed, which when we spoke with the landlord about it he assured me that the house was finished and had been sitting empty for 3 months. We get in here and all this work has to be done and to make matters worse there was no water or electric in the place for the first 5 days that we lived here. I feel like I am being drowned alive, nothing is coming together or gelling the way it is supposed to.
Tomorrow morning I am starting the new journey towards surgery and finally getting my kidneys back in working order, but it is something that I am facing alone. Something that I never thought that I would have to do. Maybe it is for the better that I am really thinking that I need to leave Daytona once and for all. I cannot face all of this on my own with no one to talk to about what is happening to my body and how I am feeling. I have no outlet for that here at all. I am physically drained and exhausted to the point where everything and anything is triggering me to have an adverse emotional reaction and I end up crying all over the place. I cannot seem to get my emotions reigned in and under control. I am struggling daily because my body is hurting so bad right now and nothing I do can seem to alieviate it.
I am also finding it difficult to make time to write because all I want to do is lay down and sleep or even just succumb to the pain and just die. Over that past couple of days several of my friends have been arrested and others have been acting rather foolish and I just sit back and wonder what is happening in the world. Times sure have changed and not for the better I have to say. Daily living should be getting easier to manage not harder, yet each day brings a whole new challenge to the surface. I will be glad when things start falling in place with this little cracker box of a house we are in. Maybe as things get put away and space is cleared out this deep depression I am experiencing will start to lift. I know that fatigue comes with the cancer, but recently all I have wanted to do is stay in bed and let each day pass me by. But instead I get up and I plod on as if nothing is wrong with me. Yet, somehow I know that I cannot keep ignoring what I am experiencing because if I do it is just going to get worse and then there will not be any recourse and I will have thrown the last part of my life away.
I am tired so I am going to close this entry for now and get myself ready for bed I have to get up very early in the morning to catch the van going to Gainesville.
As always I hope that you will Live well, Love much and Laugh often.