Thursday, November 2, 2017

Change

Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Monday, October 30, 2017

Under the weather

HiSometimes you just don't feel well no matter what you do. In the past two months I have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and even today I am feeling like I should probably be back in the hospital. I cannot swallow food it all seems to get stuck in my throat and I can't seem to swallow anything.

On top of all of this I have an intestinal blockage and I am I am great deal of pain. I just don't know how long I can go o feeling like this all the time. I just know that the journey that I am on it has just begun. If I can't eat or process food fully then maybe there will be that the doctors can do to ease what I am going through.

It is so hard everyday struggling to eat and feel better about myself when all I feel is pain. Nothing goes down easy and even if it does, it doesn't process properly and gets stuck in my bowel track.  I hope that this situation is short lived and I can move on from there.

I will be finding out if I have cancer once again in the next day or two. I will also be calling about the back brace that the VA is supposed to be having made for me which should help with some of the pain. Anyhow, I will let you know as things progress further.

Just know that right now I am in between places to live and staying in an extended stay hotel in Daytona, hoping that something in my situation will change.  Each day is a struggle there are forces in my life that are pulling me down. I have no idea where to turn at this point.

I guess it is time, I was hoping that something else would change but the current course that things have been going I have to make a decision about my future. For too long I have let everything and everyone go. I am scared of tomorrow but honestly over the past few months I have been trying to make a positive change in my life and yet everything seems to be working against me.

Well, I have this weekend to really evaluate my situation both personal and living. From here it is one hard decision after another. What I do know is that no matter what choices I make are going to have far reaching effects. Not only are they going affect my life but those around me.   I don't know where the future is going to lead but I do know that tomorrow is unwritten and will unfold as fate and destiny have planned.

All I know is that I wish that I had my health and stamina. But of course things never really go as we as mortal humans plan.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Friday, October 27, 2017

Hard times

It's funny how things come and go through our lives and how many of those things we take for granted. Recently, I lost my freedom for a short time due to a decision I made despite knowing that my actions were wrong and illegal.  My decision to help someone else ended up having long reaching effects on my life that I am still feeling today.  It is sad that a simple choice has led to such long reaching  effects on my life and those around me.

I'm here to tell you that if you have second thoughts about doing something,  listen to yourself and don't do it. Because you may not even see all of the consequences your actions might result in.  I could not have known that cashing a check for a friend would pull me in to an investigation of a buglary, robbery, a forgery, as well as grand theft. Which eventually led me to going to jail for 60 days. But, that was just the beginning of the consequences of that one action, there were other unforseen consequences that resulted from that one event. Consequences and fallout that I am still dealing with today. Now to give you an idea of how long I have been dealing with this action. I cashed the check for my friend back in January of 2017 and here we are heading into November and I think that I can honestly say that I will still be dealing with the fallout way into January of 2018 unless by some miracle my situation changes or I end up taking my friends offer and moving away from here in order to save money.

Once I was arrested my landlord's nephew decided to empty out the house that I had rented, threw away all of my belongings and personal stuff that I had in the house. Now, here I am 2 1/2 months later literally homeless and virtually on the street. After being illegally evicted from the house, and being locked up in jail. I get out at the end of August with nowhere to go, no medical supplies and absolutely no medication. I could not have known that a hurricane was going to hit Florida and that my being without my medication that many days was going to land me in the hospital for 14 days in intensive care. Nor did I know that social security was going to stop my check. All of these things are a direct result of my decision to cash that one check which I didn't even get any cash from.

I literally had to go through the month of September and three weeks of October before I could get social security to issue me a check. But, not only not having any money or a place to stay was the end of the fallout that one event was to cause. Still trying to be true to my ideals and beliefs I still tried to help out another person who was struggling just as much as I was.  The result of that led to me getting robbed and losing everything that I had with me when I went to jail and the few things I was able to acquire with my father's help when I got out of jail.  When I got robbed my debit card was taken by the person who robbed me and now the credit union will not issue me a new debit card because you are only allowed 7 in a lifetime.  This just further complicates things for me going forward, because my social security check is direct deposited into that account monthly and in order for me to get that money out of the bank I literally have to go into the branch and physically withdrawal the funds from a teller.  Can you see what I mean when I talk to you about the far-reaching effects that one action had on my life? Can you also see how even now I am still dealing with the fallout from that single event?

I can't say that everything has turned out for the bad, like getting out of that house on Spruce and North Street. That living situation was bad and I could see absolutely no way of getting out of it. So that in itself may yet turn out to be a blessing, because had I not been arrested who is to say that I would not still be stuck in that living situation and that something worse could have happened to me. Because, with all the traffic going through that house and all the attention the police were beginning to show in it, I could be in prison or dead at this point.

Just keep in mind that sometimes our actions can have far ranging effects that we might not be able to see at the time we are doing it. Look at how 10 months later I am still feeling and dealing with the aftermath of cashing that one check.  Some of the consequences I knew were coming but being on the street for months and dealing with my health and how hard it is to get my feet back underneath me were things I never thought of.  Luckily, I have a very good friend who has reached out to me and told me that I can come and stay with him save up some money to rebuild everything that I have lost.

Because the weather has gotten cooler and I am currently in an extended stay hotel room that isn't too terribly bad I haven't rushed in to accepting my friends offer. I have no warm clothes, including no long pants or jeans.  So I am wondering how I could move to North Florida without at least some of the things that I am lacking right now.

After going through all of this, I am more cautious about making decisions and I try to see how many of the far reaching effects my decisions will have on myself and those around me that are affected by any decision I may make. So when you start second guessing yourself and you feel in your heart that you should avoid doing. It may be your subconscious is trying to warn you of trouble that you have yet to identify might be looming just beyond sight.

Hard times can come out of nowhere with very little warning, but they could also come as the direct result of an action you committed or even the fallout that you couldn't have seen from doing that action. You just need to keep your head up and keep going things will get better. You may have to work hard to get back on your feet but once you do you will have a greater appreciation for everything you have worked hard to rebuild and a broader understanding of the cause and effect each of your actions have on yourself and those around you.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.
Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.
At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.
I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

Monday, April 3, 2017

Medical update time

Well folks the official news has come in and I am finally cancer free at this time.  Now,  this doesn't mean that cancer can't or won't come back.  What it does mean is that at the present time all markers and indicators seem to point to the fact that the cancer is gone. I had surgery on March 28, 2017, today is the one month mark of my recovery period. The procedure lasted 5 1/2 hours and I spent 5 full days in the hospital.

Life is funny and full of little turns and twists that keeps us guessing from moment to moment.  Nothing is ever
A 11 smooth or goes exactly the way we planned.  If it wasn't this way our lives would be so monotonous and boring we wouldn't know what to do.

Well they were able to remove a golf ball sized tumor from my right kidney.  From all indications it appears that for the first time in 26 years I am cancer free. Now this doesn't mean that cancer will never come back, because it more than likely will. It just means that at this time my doctor's are pretty sure that it is gone for awhile.

I ended up back in the hospital last week on Wednesday because I had walking pneumonia, but I am home now and doing well. Other than that I can't complain about my health. As always you continued well wishes and prayers are appreciated. Thank you so very much for being my support network and venting board. I want you to know it means the world to me that you are out there reading my blog.

As always live well love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Time and Again

This post is meant to give thanks to the many healthcare providers that have been extremely instrumental in my continued health. Yes it is true that almost weekly I have a myriad of medical appointments and lab work that needs to be done. Yet, if it wasn't for the diligent work of these health care professionals I would probably withered away and have died way before now.

As I am sitting here waiting to be seen by yet another doctor, I am reminded of how much hard work and long hours these professionals put in just to keep​ me as well as their other​ patients healthy and alive. I know that I would be hard pressed if I had to go without the medications that I am on. Monitoring of these medications and the effects that they have on my body are essential to my good health.

There was a period not so long ago when I was on an HIV regimen that wasn't closely monitored and my health severely suffered because of that. It was determined that the regimen that I was on had severely and irrevocably damaged my kidneys. Once it was discovered a monitoring program was soon put in place, but the damage was already extensive and done there was no coming back from it. Less than a year later a small tumor was found on my right kidney and my new journey had begun.

It has been a little more than a year that the tumor on my right kidney was found. The myriad of doctor's and healthcare providers I have been through in just that year alone has been staggering. I'm currently under the care of a urologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville and it looks like the year long journey that I have been on is finally drawing to a close.  This journey has been long and arduous starting with ultrasounds, then CT scans and ultimately ending in a series of MRI'S all of which had indicated continuous growth and the possibility of spreading.

You would think that after 25 years of battling this disease that I might have finally become used to all the test, treatments and surgeries that have resulted from having this disease. But, time and again cancer seems bound and determined to come back. It keeps these myriads of healthcare professional working harder than ever to get me to the state of wellness. Sometimes I dream of having just a few moments of good health to consider myself​ normal and healthy.

I guess as dreams go it isn't a bad one to have. But, no matter the circumstances I am under no illusions that I will ever be able to live my life as a healed, whole individual. That even through their best efforts medical science can only do so much to correct the damage that cancer has done to my body. I must accept the limitations and restrictions that have become my norm and rejoice in the continued life that God has granted me.

Remembering always that man can only do so much when it comes to this vehicle our mind resides in. God who is the Ultimate Physician is the only one with the power to restore me back to full health. I can never truly trust the findings of the world of medicine, because as been my case in the past the predictions that they provide me with have been far from accurate. Only God knows the time and place of my demise. Because everything that I have been through and continue to go through are what strengthens me and gives me the experience I need to get through the next phase of my existence.

See, I have become very familiar with living on borrowed time knowing that any moment might be my last. Knowing that each time I have to have an operation or treatment might be my very last. There seems to always be a new treatment or procedure that has yet to be tried. I'm comforted knowing that in all things God has me in the palms of His hands and that as long as I am needed here on Earth I will continue to make these recoveries and be able to give witness and testament to the miracles of God.

So no matter if time and again I have to be seen by doctor's, nurses, lab techs or other healthcare professionals I will always be in God's Grace and He will take care of my needs .

Rejoice for God is the Healer and architect of your body and can and will restore you according to His detailed plan regarding your life and work.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Borrowed Time

Every day that I draw a breath I am living on borrowed time. I was diagnosed with large cell lymphoma in 1992. I was told that I had eighteen months to live, that by the time I was diagnosed the cancer was in stage four and that even with extensive chemotherapy and radiation the  outlook was grim.

The truth of the matter is that I got better with the treatment and went seven years without a recurrence of the cancer. Yet, the next time cancer reared it's head it was in the form of polyps in my large intestines. I had them removed and was healthy for several more years.  Then in December of 2004 portions of my large intestines suffered damage from the initial radiation that I was treated with in '92. January of 2005 I was given my first colostomy and would go through series after series of bowel resections and abdominal surgeries. Finally in the fall of 2007 my worst fears came to life and the colostomy was turned into an ileostomy and would have to remain in place for the rest of my life.

Again, the doctor's and staff thought that I wouldn't make it through all of this and predicted that I would get seriously ill and pass by Christmas of 2007. Yet once again their predictions were far off the mark. It was December 6, 2007 that I found out that I had contracted the HIV virus and diagnosed as positive. The doctor's fearing that because my immune system was suppressed due to the cancer thought that the virus would spread through my body like wildfire and would soon kill me. So I was put on a strict and powerful regimen immediately.

No one could have guessed that in five short years that these same drugs would irrevocably damage my kidneys and I would end up eventually with kidney cancer.  Since 2011, I have had kidney stones and bladder infections as well as two bowel resections, and an aneurysm. Then in March of 2012, I was told that not only did I have leukemia (large cell lymphoma is considered a form of) I was also suffering from radiation enteritis (disease) which is acting like cancer eating up my pelvic organs. I was also told that the radiation perforated the bowel wall in '92 and had made my pelvis very porous and weakened the walls of my colon and made them thin like tissue paper.

So you can see that I know a little bit about living on borrowed time. One thing I have done in this entry is gloss over a lot of my illnesses and just hit the pertinent information. Just know that today I am facing and dealing with 6 terminal illnesses . 

So, from '92 till now everyday has been a gift from God and gives me something to give thanks about daily. I am about to head to Gainesville, to have the latest tumor removed​ from my body through surgery. Funny when I was diagnosed with kidney cancer I was told 6-12 months were all that I had left. Once again medical science is wrong on this account. My doctor assures me that I am going to come through this surgery and that they would be able to get all the cancer and I should expect a full recovery.

Living on borrowed time is something that not everyone gets. It is a blessing that I have been granted and a luxury that I have been able to enjoy. I am still here 25 years after the first occurrence of cancer. It was not something that I had planned or envisioned, but I am thankful for each and every day.  I had never imagined that I would survive this long. Nor, could I have imagined that 25 years later I would have 6 terminal illnesses and have another surgery looming over my head.

Living each day to the fullest and staying in the moment is the only way to enjoy the precious gift that God has granted us. So, if you are like me and living on borrowed time. Make the best of your situation, share your life lessons with those around you and make everyday worth living. I embrace my illness and I use my life as an example for others so that they might benefit from my experience.

I love you all and wish you only the best​. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I have surgery on March 28th.  God bless you all.

As always Live well, Love much, and Laugh often.

Uncle B