Thursday, January 12, 2017

From the frying pan to the fire

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Tuesday was one such day for me.  It all started off when I called my doctor to get a refill on my xanax prescription.  The nurse called me back telling me that the doctor was not going to sign for the refill because it wasn't on my medication list that was passed on from my other doctor.  I went round and round with them over the prescription and in the end I had to go into the office and have an exam.  When I got there the nurse went over my pill list again with me and I made sure that the Xanax was put on the list.  While she was going through my chart she told me that there were some lab and test results that had come in from my last hospitalization, that the doctor needed to go over with me.  I thought that it was my routine blood results or other test that the doctor had ordered previously.  Much to my surprise when the doctor came in he told me that the biospy results were in from the hospital and as he spoke the harder it became for me to breathe, my heartbeat sped up and I literally felt the world come apart right then.  The news was not something that I wanted to hear, after all that I had found out on December 1st about my health, I just couldn't handle everything he was telling me. My tumors have begun to spiderweb and spread and surgery alone cannot possibly get all of it. He told me that radiation was out that since I am already suffering from Radiation enteritis that he felt that my body couldn't possibly handle any more.  Chemotherapy treatments may prove effective, but it was going to be extensive and painful. Oh and to top it all off he didn't think that it would be effective or aggressive enough to handle what has started developing in my body. 

Then my partner and I have been going through some really rough times and nothing I do seems to work to fix the problems,  It has gotten so bad that my elderly roommate ended up having to call the cops on him because he wouldn't stop fighting or screaming at me.  Life sure isn't fun when the chips are down, and not all that hot when they are not.  I tend to not let stuff like this bring me down but for the last couple of days nothing has gone right for me at all. I am so overwhelmed and instead of things getting better they seem to be getting worse.  The house that I ended up moving into has not been completed, which when we spoke with the landlord about it he assured me that the house was finished and had been sitting empty for 3 months.  We get in here and all this work has to be done and to make matters worse there was no water or electric in the place for the first 5 days that we lived here.  I feel like I am being drowned alive, nothing is coming together or gelling the way it is supposed to. 

Tomorrow morning I am starting the new journey towards surgery and finally getting my kidneys back in working order, but it is something that I am facing alone.  Something that I never thought that I would have to do. Maybe it is for the better that I am really thinking that I need to leave Daytona once and for all. I cannot face all of this on my own with no one to talk to about what is happening to my body and how I am feeling. I have no outlet for that here at all.  I am physically drained and exhausted to the point where everything and anything is triggering me to have an adverse emotional reaction and I end up crying all over the place.  I cannot seem to get my emotions reigned in and under control.  I am struggling daily because my body is hurting so bad right now and nothing I do can seem to alieviate it. 

I am also finding it difficult to make time to write because all I want to do is lay down and sleep or even just succumb to the pain and just die.  Over that past couple of days several of my friends have been arrested and others have been acting rather foolish and I just sit back and wonder what is happening in the world. Times sure have changed and not for the better I have to say.  Daily living should be getting easier to manage not harder, yet each day brings a whole new challenge to the surface.  I will be glad when things start falling in place with this little cracker box of a house we are in.  Maybe as things get put away and space is cleared out this deep depression I am experiencing will start to lift.  I know that fatigue comes with the cancer, but recently all I have wanted to do is stay in bed and let each day pass me by.  But instead I get up and I plod on as if nothing is wrong with me. Yet, somehow I know that I cannot keep ignoring what I am experiencing because if I do it is just going to get worse and then there will not be any recourse and I will have thrown the last part of my life away.

I am tired so I am going to close this entry for now and get myself ready for bed I have to get up very early in the morning to catch the van going to Gainesville.

As always I hope that you will Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Monday, January 9, 2017

Lazy Days and Rainy Days

Man I honestly thought that 2017 was going to be a better year than last year. As you have read December was my all time worst month, everything just cascaded and life became a huge cluster fuck.

Already 2017 has started off to such a rocky start that I am pretty much ready to throw in the towel and just ask Heaven for a do over.  January 5th  the sheriff showed up at the door to the place that I was staying and issued a 24 hour vacate notice. The judge in her infinite wisdom decided that she wasn't going to hear any arguments in Ms. Millie's eviction case. She arbitrarily sided with the landlord.

I was caught totally off guard and very ill prepared for removing everything from that house in just 24 hours. Further, I knew that neither of us had enough money to really get into anywhere and I was worried that I was going to be back out on the streets this time with an 83 year old woman in tow.  But heaven does provide for our needs and that night we went and looked at a small two bedroom house, I knew that it was going to be very tight financially for us to get in there, however the landlord was willing to work with us so Friday morning at 9:00 am my father arrives with his truck and we started the move. After making 4 or 5 trips back and forth my father had to call it quits. He really wasn't feeling well and we were all extremely tired. Unfortunately, there were quite a few things that ended up getting left behind. Many of the lady's clothes were left behind with all the food items we had and a whole cabinet of cups and coffee mugs.

Much to my dismay I was not able to find her a ride back out to the house. So all of the stuff that was left behind is more than likely lost forever by now. Not too mention that Friday night and almost all of Saturday it rained and the temperature plummeted leaving us very cold and miserable.  Tonight is now Sunday and we have gone the whole weekend without water or electricity. It being so cold out really made our brief stay in our new home pretty much a miserable disaster.

I am actually looking forward to this upcoming week with great anticipation, because I am so much closer to finally having my surgery that has been talked about for months. If you recall the local hospital decided that they were not equipped to handle such a complicated case as mine. So I have been referred to Shands hospital at the University of Florida in Gainesville.  It is about time that this surgery has been scheduled. It has been 9 months since the operation has been discussed.

But as you can see 2017 really hasn't started off that great and is nothing to get excited about. However, like most things in life a slow start can lead to unexpected rewards.

One thing that you can be certain of is rainy days and Monday's will always get you down

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

It all comes down to timing

I know that you have heard the old saying "timing is everything", and I would have to agree. See no matter what decision you make or path that you take is governed by timing. Let's look at it a little more closely and I think you might begin to see what I am talking about and where I am coming from.

For example you choose to start a new business venture, three months after you started your new enterprise the county decided that the road in front of your business needs to be torn up and redone. Had you wait just 6 months longer to open up this construction wouldn't have disturbed your business in the slightest and might have already been completed. Yet, you didn't wait and getting to your place becomes a nightmare and business drops to almost zero. Now, if you can afford a setback like that the timing of your opening may not have caused any concerns. But, if you are like most of us these delays could bankrupt your business.

Another example could be of being at the right place at just the right time. In this scenario your timing was on point and you benefitted from it. However, the inverse could also invariably be true as well in the wrong place at the wrong time and inevitably you end up in a non beneficial situation or worse. You could end up finding yourself much worse off then you might have otherwise been.

Timing has relative meaning to each one of us. The perfect time for you might be an adverse time for someone else. Each decision that you find yourself faced with you have to weigh not only the potential gains but the losses as well. There isn't a standard that you can use for every decision, each must be weighed carefully by the pros and cons that you can see visibly, and gains and losses that could be received if conditions and timing are right. This is what loss mitigation is all about.

But, as most of are far from perfect and we tend to suffer from impatience, we end up rushing our decision making process without really assessing the risks involved and therefore end up choosing the wrong timing altogether. I recommend wholeheartedly to look at every decision from every angle you can possibly think of, do a full risk assessment and make as educated decision as possible. Your timing might not be perfect, but it probably could have been a lot worse if you didn't take the time to weigh out everything as thoroughly as possible.

Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect moment, that you have to take time and create each moment as they come to you and make them as perfect and memorable as you can. Weigh every single option you are presented with for each and every decision to figure out the optimal timing for everything.

Trust me no one gets it right every single time. However, by taking the time and researching every angle you might find yourself in a pretty good situation most of the time. Honestly friends timing is everything, and can mean the most towards your happiness.  It is never to late to start assessing your life, situation and decisions. I think once you do you will find that you have more control and flexibility towards the outcomes that come your way.

Sit back and reflect on this I think if you put your mind too it you can see where I am coming from.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

When time stands still

Years ago I talked to you about time. How I believe that time is a man made device that regulates our lives and makes us into a frenzied mess. However yesterday I was thinking about certain times that time seems to stand still for us under certain circumstances.

For those who are incarcerated time takes on a different meaning. While you are in jail time becomes leaden and flows at a much slower pace. While in jail life continues on the outside at a regular normal pace.

Another time that time seems to take on a different feel and flow is when you move to a new place or state. With that change comes a new feel of anticipation as you explore your new surroundings. I would suppose any type of travel would tend to elicit a similar type of feeling.

Separation from loved ones effects both our feelings of loneliness and our longing for the parting to end. Time feels like it literally comes to a halt. Hospitalizations often feels like you are locked up in jail though the circumstances are definitely different in just about every single way imaginable.

As I have gotten older the fluid March of time hasn't increased but days, weeks, months and even years seem to fly by faster now than they ever did when I was younger. It also seems like I could fit more into my day back then better than I can now.

So if time which is measured by ticks on a clock how does this feeling of acceleration actually take place. Possibly it is through the lenses in which we view time from or just the perspective we look at our life by.  Or even better yet time could be limited by our focus and attention span.

I believe that our mind is what perceives the flow of time and time itself actually never changes. If you don't believe me think long and hard on this. Or just wait a few years and you will be surprised at what you might feel then.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much, Laugh often.

Uncle B

Monday, January 2, 2017

Contemplations and decisions

2017 has already opened up a whole new group of contemplations and decisions for me to consider. My partner and I have been talking for several months about relocating out west.

On New Year's day I spoke to my friend in Washington state and talked to her about moving out there. I should be hearing something back from her tomorrow. My ex lives in Los Angeles California and has told me that I can move out there with him. So, here I sit wondering what I should do. Money is tight for me being paid just once a month, but my experience here in Daytona Beach has been less than stellar.

I have never lived in a place where so many people steal from one another. Even in Atlanta where people are constantly moving in and out because of job transfers have I experienced as many thieves. So even though I could probably get a new place here. I feel like life is pulling me in another direction.

Yesterday I was telling you about my partner losing his grandmother and that certainly is one thing that is weighing heavily on my mind. Another is my friend being arrested last night, I am staying with her mother and I really want to make sure that she is taken care of and not left without help or alone.

So what is a person supposed to do? Lord knows that I have my own health issues to think about as well as my own well being. Then, you have to add on my concern for my own parents that are in their 70's. My father is going to be fine my brother and step-mother will be there to take care of him. My my mother on the hand is not in the best of health. 2 years ago she lost the use of her legs and has become paralyzed from the waist down. She would love it if I came up to Pennsylvania to help take care her. The only problem with that is she wants me to come alone. But after almost 3 years being together I just can't up and leave my partner, especially when we aren't having problems.

Now, a couple of months ago when I was so sick and him and I were breaking up every other day it might have been an option for me.  So what are my thoughts on this relocation plan? California is rather expensive compared to where I am living in Florida. But, having lived in Hollywood, I think that it would be some place I could see myself settling down in. But on the other hand I have heard that Seattle is a beautiful place and I have always wanted to go out there and see how it works for me and my health issues. The only drawback that I can see with that is I am no longer used to the cold. Seattle has a fall and winter that I have not had to experience since 2010 when I last stayed up in Pennsylvania. In 2014, I was in California and 2012 and 13 I was here in Florida. Now 2015 and 16 I was here as well.  I am leaning towards Washington state if the truth be told. I know that it is clear across the country from where I am currently living but I believe that it is time for a change and I believe that the time is also right.

Change is in the air and after the year I had I am truly ready to get out of this area.

May your 2017 be filled with joy and laughter. I will keep you informed as to what my decision finally turns out to be. You will also notice that now that 2017 has come my tag line has changed.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.
Live well, love much  and laugh often.

Uncle B

Sunday, January 1, 2017

The New Year 2017

Well another year has passed me by, one that seemed to be less trouble than the years that have gone before. Oh how I wish that was true. But to my chagrin I spent so much of this past year in the hospital. There for awhile it seemed like I had a permanent residence right there in Florida Memorial Center.

2016 was a year that I am extremely glad to put behind me. It was a year that brought me in contact with the most unsavory of characters. People who would gladly claim they were your friend and then rob you blind. It was a year where I lost everything of value and taught me that things can get much worse then what they were. 

It was in 2016 that I turned 48, it was also the year that cancer decided to crop up in both my kidney and my lungs. When Halifax hospital turned me away and said that the cancer was too complex for them to handle and I was referred to the University of Florida hospital (Shands) for follow up and surgery. I also learned over again that I no longer want to do drugs anymore, that my life was worth more than a needle in my arm.

In 2016, I gave in to my suicidal nature and tried unsuccessfully to drug myself to an early grave.  I lost most of my good friends and became homeless. It became a time in my life for introspection and self evaluation which culminated in my decision that 2017 was going to be a time for change.  Daytona Beach is not the place that I want to stay much longer.

2017 rang in at midnight and I was safe at home reading a book and keeping to myself. My partner got out of jail Thursday December 29th, but he had no way to get in touch with me. I still haven't seen him and it is January 1st. I have talked with him and I have to say that December hasn't been nice to either of us. He just got out of jail on December 3rd he missed Thanksgiving then he was arrested on December 15th and missed Christmas. I spoke with him today via Facebook Messenger and found out that his grandmother had passed away on Thursday. I am sad that I am not there with him as he deals with this tragedy. But, he really hasn't tried to get out to where I am staying. I have told him that I am here for him if he needs me

This first day of the New Year has already turned out to be not so hot. I am thinking that it maybe one of those slow burn types of situations where everything just starts out but gets better as it goes along. Here's keeping my fingers crossed for that one. So let me tell you how 2017 has started for me. I spent time this afternoon with the family, told them of my upcoming trip to Gainesville to meet with the surgical and urological teams at Shands, how from this meeting a plan of care will be developed and surgery planned. Then I came back to the place I was staying took a little nap, read a book for awhile then the police came. Tonight was the night that they came and took my friend Lisa away. She had been trying to stay under the radar, but apparently they were looking for her and decided tonight was the night.

I feel bad for Ms. Millie to have to watch her daughter be taken out of the house and off to jail. Then she called and said that she thought that I had something to do with her being arrested. It makes me feel even worse that Lisa thinks that I had something to do with her getting arrested, she said while speaking to her mother that someone called on her. Told Ms. Millie to not trust me, and I have been the only one who has been trying to help out buying food and trying to make sure that Ms. Millie has been taken care of.

So 2017 may be off to a rocky start but surely it will start to get better for everyone.

I hope your 2017 is going good, no great, for you and your family.  May all your resolutions be fulfilled and your dreams be realized Happy New Year my friends.

God bless you and keep you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Perfectly clear? Or is it!

The answer are starring me right in the face and so why do I feel guilty and hesitant? How many times do I have to be pushed around kicked around and have my things broken? Before I say enough is enough?  For years I didn't know how to express how I was feeling. This became a real problem, because I was holding everything in, the littlest things would become issues and i would blow up and most of the time I would vent my anger on the wrong person.  So, I worked hard and eventually I was able to tell people how i felt, but like everything I do I ended up over compensating which also led to problems.  Because now i can tell you how I am feeling, so divorcing the logic center of the brain I allowed my life ti be ruled by my emotions.  Much to my dismay I have found that all thid did was allow others to walk all over me and hirt me.

Yet, I have finally reached my breaking point. In my 20's and 30's I had trust issues.  I let very few people close to me. I always expected that they would steal and eventually they would up hurting me very similar to my fears. Then somewhere around 38 I got really sick. I ended up losing my gall bladder and 1/2 of my stomach and my outlook on life began to shift. I began to feel that life is so very short and fleeting and I struggled to leave the past in the past and to live in the moment. This triggered another seeeping change I went from trustinh no one to give everyone the benefit of while searching for the goodness of human nature. Unfortunately only about 70 percent actually show human kindness and compassion.  The other 30 percent has hidden agendas and lives by falsehood and trickery. I'm always disappointed when I put my faith in to someone only to have them hurt me and reveal their inner nature. I have rationalized and lied to myself so convincingly that I honestly do expect them to change and then I feel even more violated and betrayed, yet the person themselves hasn't done anything wrong other than being themselves.

Now, combine these issues with the full empathy the it doesn't seem so much a gift more so a curse. Being able to read another persons emotional state does nothing to reveal their agendas, intentions or motivations. Sometimes these glimpses of anothers emotions so greatly masks deadly actions. I am once again working on myself trying to reach a happy middle ground between the two extremes. It is never too late to improve yourself.  If you are like me and have been hurt so many times you owe it to yourself to embrace the future strive to make the necessary changes that are going to protect you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B