I give and you take this is the story of my life. Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life. I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes. No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider. Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.
No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change. Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on. My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me. In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them. By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance. I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone.
I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that. With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate. I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of. Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them. Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world. They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me. Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.
Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them. All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do? Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone. Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.
Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left. When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back. I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place. Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.
A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals. It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile. If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly. One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart. Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart. But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest. The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place. Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering. They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.
My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for. It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.
I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit. The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns. My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results. Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse. Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced. I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality. To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories. This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.
Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally. I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on. No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it. Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by. So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on. Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital. Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time. Everything else will pass by if you just keep going.
Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude. Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead. Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you. Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way. A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow. Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you. Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it. Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something. I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.
But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you. Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run. I am living proof of that
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Monday, January 14, 2019
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Everything you said but didn't really mean
You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them. You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come. Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue. You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared. If you did you would be here. You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others. You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words. This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Is dimensional travel possible? Open your mind and the rest will follow!"
What is mad? crazy, insane, without conscious purpose, truly an anomaly. Mad is a state mind, a journey to the outer limits of conscious reality. Some say that insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over again expecting a different result. But what if I tell you that mad, insane, crazy, are all dimensions that the mind can travel. Free yourself from the restrictions of your conscious self and you can travel there. Suppress the subconscious and see where you can go. Other planes of reality are available for you to travel. Rod Serling once said that it was a journey through sight and sound and a journey to the farther limits of the mind is where the twilight zone resides.
Yet, in America the term mad can refer to an emotion of anger, or refer to a state of mind such as crazy. So what is right? Maybe both of these can coexist and be essentially correct. What if I told you that dimensional travel can be accomplished by taking a journey into the depths of your own imagination. Maybe even time travel could be accomplished by casting your sight and concentration inward because I am convinced that all knowledge has been handed down to each of us from the beginning of time, all because Eve ate from that forbidden fruit.
Indulge me for just a moment to see if you can understand how I have arrived at this conclusion. Follow me backward in time to the Garden of Eden, the knowledge of good and evil was given to both Eve and Adam through biting the forbidden fruit. Therefore if all knowledge was given to Eve, it would be easy for that information to be transferred to her offspring through the birth process. Today scientist debate nature versus nurture, and what is instinctually passed from parent to child. Let me further expand this conversation by saying that they spark of life that was breathed into man is part of the Divine, and thus is the part of God, that is passed on to each of us. Some believe that this is the basis for consciousness and self-awareness, it is that very spark of divinity that allows us to access that knowledge. I have even heard that mystics and seers call this supernatural database of knowledge as the "Akashic Records". So, if the knowledge and information is passed down via our direct heritage from Adam and Eve it would be accessible by anyone born today.
I heard a song once that said "Free your mind and the rest will follow" which gives us the basic instructions on how to access this hidden knowledge. Or if you would like allows individuals to access the cosmic database of all thought or knowledge that has come before us and that will come after us. Every concept that the human mind can conceive either now or in the future is housed in the Akashic Records. Therefore, if all knowledge is accessible wouldn't it stand to reason that dimensional travel could also be accomplished in a similar fashion. I have studied extensively western metaphysics and mysticism and I know that astral projection is possible, and has a well documented history. It is my belief that dimensional travel and possibly even time travel can be accomplished via astral projection.
Now you might be thinking that I am "Mad" or "Insane" or even "Crazy" by believing like this, but my basis for this information is firmly rooted in Christianity and the Bible. When John was writing about his visions and dreams in Revelations it is my belief that he actually visited the distant future and witnessed and saw first hand the tragedy and possibly even experienced what he later called "Revelations". Here is what Google defines Revelation as: a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. Or the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.
Looking at this definition of Revelation you can begin to see what I am talking about. In the ancient world the descriptions that unfold in the book of Revelations in the Bible would not have made much sense to the people of the day, and maybe that is why John's work was so ill received at the time. But in today's context we can see some of the signs and portents that were predicted there coming to fruition today.
But the way that John got his information was not relayed to the reader in words other than "I saw" or "It became known to me" this seems to me that it meant that he actually either saw physically with his own eyes, or experienced what was to come personally. Those that we deem mentally unstable, or crazy may in fact be nothing more than closer in tuned with the spiritual than we would feel comfortable with them being. That person walking down the street talking to themselves may in fact be talking to someone or something that we cannot see or fathom in our own limited understanding of the world and the happenings around us. Who is to say that person isn't talking to a being from another dimension or to an Angel or even God Himself?
No where in my readings of the Bible explain why the ancients had direct access to God and we don't. I believe that God does exist and to those that have looked upon His face and seen His glory may be seen as touched or crazy by the standards we have in place today. The angels still walk the earth, we may not be able to see them anymore because we are locked into our conscious mind and have never learned how to suppress our subconscious. Throughout history there have been born prodigies that seemed to possess knowledge greater than their education or our understanding and have brought incredible inventions and music and art work into our world. Maybe these individuals have a unique access to the Akashic Records or have been born with understanding of the knowledge that was passed down through the ages through the divine link.
Keep an open mind, look deep inside of your own mind and explore the further reaches, and see what you come up with. I think you might be surprised that there is a wealth of knowledge at your disposal and you haven't even accessed it yet. Journey down the road that the philosophers have taken before you and see what you come up with. I think that all things that the mind can believe and come up with we as individuals can achieve. It is up to you and how you approach the world. Maybe the final frontier that we need to explore isn't outside of our world but right here in our own mind. Dimensional and time travel maybe something that once was achieved and forgotten by our earliest ancestors. If there was a legendary advanced civilization known as Atlantis and Lemuria, it stands to reason that they would have thought of these concepts and have mastered them.
I was taught a great deal about the Island of Lemuria by a good friend that is no longer with us, Jane Ann Dow. Atlantis and Lemuria were two halves of the same civilization, Atlantis followed science and logic, Lemuria followed the path of metaphysics and spiritualism. It goes without saying that when their continent was destroyed and disappeared from the face of the earth that the knowledge and understanding as well as spiritual enlightenment that they had achieved also vanished with them. However, the social consciousness of humanity as a whole has been increasing with leaps and bounds and I honestly believe that we are on the cusp of something spectacular. If you believe the prophecies of Revelations then we are headed for the second coming of Jesus and the end of our world as we know it. But what if what was written in Revelations was about an ending to the way that we are living now and the dawn of a whole new era of history one that we cannot even fathom. Where the spiritual is followed by the majority and a whole paradigm shift takes place and we become as enlightened and as advanced as the Atlantians and the Lemurians.
Wouldn't that be something and our minds are opened to a new realm of possibilities and the blinders from our eyes are taken away.
Please do me a huge favor and open your mind to new possibilities and ideas. Look deep within yourself and see if you can't find answers to your most basic questions. Because once you start on that path I think you will see that it becomes more natural for you. I at least hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and ideas and hopefully you will not judge to quickly or harshly those around you and might experience the joy and wonder of true enlightenment and a closer walk with God.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Indulge me for just a moment to see if you can understand how I have arrived at this conclusion. Follow me backward in time to the Garden of Eden, the knowledge of good and evil was given to both Eve and Adam through biting the forbidden fruit. Therefore if all knowledge was given to Eve, it would be easy for that information to be transferred to her offspring through the birth process. Today scientist debate nature versus nurture, and what is instinctually passed from parent to child. Let me further expand this conversation by saying that they spark of life that was breathed into man is part of the Divine, and thus is the part of God, that is passed on to each of us. Some believe that this is the basis for consciousness and self-awareness, it is that very spark of divinity that allows us to access that knowledge. I have even heard that mystics and seers call this supernatural database of knowledge as the "Akashic Records". So, if the knowledge and information is passed down via our direct heritage from Adam and Eve it would be accessible by anyone born today.
I heard a song once that said "Free your mind and the rest will follow" which gives us the basic instructions on how to access this hidden knowledge. Or if you would like allows individuals to access the cosmic database of all thought or knowledge that has come before us and that will come after us. Every concept that the human mind can conceive either now or in the future is housed in the Akashic Records. Therefore, if all knowledge is accessible wouldn't it stand to reason that dimensional travel could also be accomplished in a similar fashion. I have studied extensively western metaphysics and mysticism and I know that astral projection is possible, and has a well documented history. It is my belief that dimensional travel and possibly even time travel can be accomplished via astral projection.
Now you might be thinking that I am "Mad" or "Insane" or even "Crazy" by believing like this, but my basis for this information is firmly rooted in Christianity and the Bible. When John was writing about his visions and dreams in Revelations it is my belief that he actually visited the distant future and witnessed and saw first hand the tragedy and possibly even experienced what he later called "Revelations". Here is what Google defines Revelation as: a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. Or the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.
Looking at this definition of Revelation you can begin to see what I am talking about. In the ancient world the descriptions that unfold in the book of Revelations in the Bible would not have made much sense to the people of the day, and maybe that is why John's work was so ill received at the time. But in today's context we can see some of the signs and portents that were predicted there coming to fruition today.
But the way that John got his information was not relayed to the reader in words other than "I saw" or "It became known to me" this seems to me that it meant that he actually either saw physically with his own eyes, or experienced what was to come personally. Those that we deem mentally unstable, or crazy may in fact be nothing more than closer in tuned with the spiritual than we would feel comfortable with them being. That person walking down the street talking to themselves may in fact be talking to someone or something that we cannot see or fathom in our own limited understanding of the world and the happenings around us. Who is to say that person isn't talking to a being from another dimension or to an Angel or even God Himself?
No where in my readings of the Bible explain why the ancients had direct access to God and we don't. I believe that God does exist and to those that have looked upon His face and seen His glory may be seen as touched or crazy by the standards we have in place today. The angels still walk the earth, we may not be able to see them anymore because we are locked into our conscious mind and have never learned how to suppress our subconscious. Throughout history there have been born prodigies that seemed to possess knowledge greater than their education or our understanding and have brought incredible inventions and music and art work into our world. Maybe these individuals have a unique access to the Akashic Records or have been born with understanding of the knowledge that was passed down through the ages through the divine link.
Keep an open mind, look deep inside of your own mind and explore the further reaches, and see what you come up with. I think you might be surprised that there is a wealth of knowledge at your disposal and you haven't even accessed it yet. Journey down the road that the philosophers have taken before you and see what you come up with. I think that all things that the mind can believe and come up with we as individuals can achieve. It is up to you and how you approach the world. Maybe the final frontier that we need to explore isn't outside of our world but right here in our own mind. Dimensional and time travel maybe something that once was achieved and forgotten by our earliest ancestors. If there was a legendary advanced civilization known as Atlantis and Lemuria, it stands to reason that they would have thought of these concepts and have mastered them.
I was taught a great deal about the Island of Lemuria by a good friend that is no longer with us, Jane Ann Dow. Atlantis and Lemuria were two halves of the same civilization, Atlantis followed science and logic, Lemuria followed the path of metaphysics and spiritualism. It goes without saying that when their continent was destroyed and disappeared from the face of the earth that the knowledge and understanding as well as spiritual enlightenment that they had achieved also vanished with them. However, the social consciousness of humanity as a whole has been increasing with leaps and bounds and I honestly believe that we are on the cusp of something spectacular. If you believe the prophecies of Revelations then we are headed for the second coming of Jesus and the end of our world as we know it. But what if what was written in Revelations was about an ending to the way that we are living now and the dawn of a whole new era of history one that we cannot even fathom. Where the spiritual is followed by the majority and a whole paradigm shift takes place and we become as enlightened and as advanced as the Atlantians and the Lemurians.
Wouldn't that be something and our minds are opened to a new realm of possibilities and the blinders from our eyes are taken away.
Please do me a huge favor and open your mind to new possibilities and ideas. Look deep within yourself and see if you can't find answers to your most basic questions. Because once you start on that path I think you will see that it becomes more natural for you. I at least hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and ideas and hopefully you will not judge to quickly or harshly those around you and might experience the joy and wonder of true enlightenment and a closer walk with God.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, March 22, 2015
A new Dawn
Last night I swear I was visited by my friend Mary, she kept me up most of the night but helped me work through some very tough and touchy issues that have been brought up in my life. I keep coming back to her this morning as I sit here listening to Gospel music and thinking about my night. I am reminded that I am not my illness, I am not my sexual preference, I am human, and I have a face and a name. I want to remind each of us that we are all important, we each have a voice and a story to tell. I encourage you to tell your story to anyone who will listen to you. Because, you never know what the person next to you is going through. The pain that you have felt will be conveyed in your story through the power of your voice, and you don't know how much that pain you have experienced will help the next person. I have told you so many times before that you never know where a casual conversation is going to take you.
I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past. See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on. I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay. Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.
Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not. It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you. But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels. You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner. Take back that power that has been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.
Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror. It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey. They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in. Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey. You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.
I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have. From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door. For you are loved, blessed and favored!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past. See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on. I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay. Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.
Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not. It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you. But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels. You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner. Take back that power that has been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.
Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror. It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey. They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in. Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey. You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.
I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have. From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door. For you are loved, blessed and favored!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, March 6, 2015
What is it I am searching for?
I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love. But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give. It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't. I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else. As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.
I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way. I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating. What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.
So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind. I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths. I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not. I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am. Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on. Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves. A person who doesn't want anyone else but me. I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.
I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word. Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look. A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me. Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak. A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.
Do you think that I am expecting too much? Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life. Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find. I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way. The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get. Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.
I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit. Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some. For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.
Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it. I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.
Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way. I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating. What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.
So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind. I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths. I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not. I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am. Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on. Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves. A person who doesn't want anyone else but me. I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.
I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word. Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look. A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me. Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak. A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.
Do you think that I am expecting too much? Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life. Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find. I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way. The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get. Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.
I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit. Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some. For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.
Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it. I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.
Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Aging is not all that it is cracked up to be
Many of you will not be able to relate to what I am about to say. But, I have felt every year as it passed me by since I was 24 years old. See, I came home from the Navy at the ripe old age of 23 and right before I turned 24 I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. I went through several years of chemotherapy and radiation. I lost years of my life just existing instead of truly living.
I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke. It has taken me years to come back from it all. But, this article isn't just about me.
My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother. My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury. My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.
I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years. She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her. Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes. The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.
Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out. I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before. Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in the same way that our exterior body does. We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.
Time seems to speed up the older we get. We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day. Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day. But tell me where does time go? How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings? Why didn't we notice it happening. Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?
Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages. How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are. How does all of this reconcile as we age? I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by. I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.
I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this. See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her. It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe. In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones. It truly was my intention to come home to die. Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.
It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that. Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more. Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility. My health has declined and not gotten any better. Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.
It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently. Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness. But, despite it all life goes on.
My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older. Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club. Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.
My tastes are changing just as I am aging. I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders. How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities? I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships. However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities. I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.
The older I get the more issues come up. The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy. But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us. Some of you are way younger than I am. Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you. See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster. When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.
My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can. Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest. Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage. Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.
And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge. No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.
Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.
Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke. It has taken me years to come back from it all. But, this article isn't just about me.
My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother. My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury. My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.
I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years. She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her. Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes. The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.
Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out. I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before. Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in the same way that our exterior body does. We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.
Time seems to speed up the older we get. We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day. Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day. But tell me where does time go? How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings? Why didn't we notice it happening. Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?
Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages. How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are. How does all of this reconcile as we age? I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by. I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.
I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this. See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her. It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe. In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones. It truly was my intention to come home to die. Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.
It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that. Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more. Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility. My health has declined and not gotten any better. Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.
It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently. Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness. But, despite it all life goes on.
My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older. Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club. Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.
My tastes are changing just as I am aging. I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders. How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities? I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships. However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities. I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.
The older I get the more issues come up. The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy. But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us. Some of you are way younger than I am. Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you. See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster. When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.
My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can. Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest. Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage. Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.
And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge. No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.
Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.
Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Love cannot change another person!
I need to tell you my friends, that love is not a cure all. It cannot be the catalyst for change. No matter how much you love someone you cannot expect them to change to fit your ideal person. Love is something that is flexible and if you truly love someone you accept them for the whole package you shouldn't want them to change anything about themselves.
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Life Rarely turns out as planned
Being a Sagittarius I should know all about the dangers of planning because no matter how much work or preparation I put into things they never ever go as planned. I can use this move as a prime example of what I am talking about and then take you even further into the discussion. I paid the deposit on my place and was told I could move in right away. The place came furnished to a degree, but I had my own stuff in my parents garage, and wanted my own stuff in the apartment.
The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place. I think that is where I am eventually going to end up. But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started. So I am here for at least another 6 months or so. Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments. So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona. Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.
Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge. I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move. Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned. My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception. Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan. Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.
Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get. I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles. I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write. But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona. It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful. It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan. My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there. But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.
Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober. But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance. I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast. I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry. He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high. I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out. But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned. I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.
Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off. I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me. He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off. Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about. Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together. Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay. He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better. So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself. I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him. He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself. I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.
Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look back at the journey we have taken. I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out. Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to. Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be. I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted. But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever. I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived. This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every move and situation that I would find myself in. Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona. As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction. My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions. It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain. I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to. I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors. I rather take my chances with God. See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.
I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.
See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place. I think that is where I am eventually going to end up. But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started. So I am here for at least another 6 months or so. Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments. So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona. Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.
Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge. I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move. Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned. My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception. Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan. Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.
Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get. I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles. I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write. But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona. It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful. It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan. My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there. But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.
Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober. But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance. I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast. I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry. He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high. I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out. But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned. I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.
Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off. I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me. He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off. Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about. Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together. Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay. He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better. So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself. I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him. He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself. I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.
Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look back at the journey we have taken. I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out. Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to. Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be. I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted. But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever. I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived. This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every move and situation that I would find myself in. Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona. As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction. My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions. It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain. I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to. I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors. I rather take my chances with God. See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.
I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.
See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?
In today's crazy world it is increasingly hard to find quality,decent people that are trustworthy. So many times I have taken someone at their word and have been disappointed. Seems everyone has gotten into the practice of just saying whatever they think you want to hear. Unfortunately, I always fall for the story and end up drawing the short end of the stick.
The past year has been fraught with half truths and hidden agendas. It was costly and pretty much deadly to me. I ended up in the hospital every time. I am not sure why the half truths and lies, I have always been pretty open and have always asked that people be honest with me. There is no need to lie to me ever, because I would rather be mad and hurt and be over it, than have to discover that I had been lied too. That hurts even more, and it ruins the bonds of trust and thrust you into thinking well what else have they lied to me about.
When lied too that pretty much destroys your credibility with me. Plus it shows that you don't have any integrity as well as no respect for the person you are misleading with your lies. As I have said many times in the past that any relationship can survive if you are open and willing to communicate fully your hopes, dreams and desires. Communication is the key to success in any endeavor or relationship that you embark upon.
You must be honest not only to the person you are dealing with but yourself as well. I find it easy to lie to myself and justify just about anything I want to. That isn't good at all.
Honesty is the key to successful open communication between you and the other party in the relationship, now by relationship I am talking about personal as well as professional. Honesty and integrity are essential when conducting business. These two things will encourage your customers to spread good news about you and your business to others. It will also prove to the consumer that you are fair and trustworthy.
So again I ask you whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Don't let anything stand in your way of health and happiness
Recently I went through an aneurysm near my liver, I ended up in intensive care for 11 days and had to have 28 blood transfusions. Since then I have been told that my blood pressure will not stabilize and that I may need to have surgery in order to correct this issue.
However, the odds of surviving such a procedure with all of the other surgeries I have had over the past 12 years isn't promising. After speaking with several people that are very close to me and praying deeply on this subject I believe it is in my best interest to follow through with the second opinion. But, in the long run I must think of myself and what this surgery might mean. See, I am determined that I can beat this without surgery. I have started taking iron supplements which stimulates blood production and calcium to strengthen my bone marrow. i know that in the long run if I continue with these supplements I may be able to boost my hemacrit to a level that is safe.
I have been been doing this for about a month and the blood results that my primary care doctor got from the lab are promising. It seems that my blood level has increased almost by an entire point and which means that it is working. Like I said earlier this is all about the quality of life that I am expecting to have once I am on the mend. With open heart surgery there would have to be certain limitations placed on my body that I am not sure I am ready to agree too at this point. Since the specialist haven't receive the lab results from my primary care doctor as of yet they can't possibly make an informed decision. Luckily I was called by the doctors office yesterday afternoon, because my doctor is going to be out of the country the rest of the month.
I haven't even had a chance to share these test results with my best friend and partner yet because we talked right before Dr, Chris called me. No matter what happens to me at this point I have to say that I am content in the knowledge that those who love me are behind me and support me in this decision. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand, but I am not willing at this point to limit myself any further then I have with the past surgeries. i am finally on the mend both mentally and physically and for that I am greatful.
I remember my grandmother once telling me that we can dictate how we feel with our attitude and outlook. I hold myself with confidence and knowledge and I know that I can beat this. I know my better than any doctor and I know when things are changing within it. I am sure that it is the same with any person that has a terminal illness. We become intimately familiar with every nuance of our body and when change or illness occurs we are aware of it almost immediately.
I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if things between me and my partner are going to ever get back to where they were. But I do have hope and faith that no matter what happens at this point he will always and forever be a part of my life. I have told him many times in the past that I have never felt the way I feel for him with anyone else. Yes I have loved others but i have never wrapped myself and totally lost myself in another person like I did him. Sometimes, I know he felt under appreciated but trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't be here today without him and his strength. I don't think he knows how strong he really is, but it is his faith in me and quiet hope that has kept my spirits up throughout this past year of hospitalizations and doctors visits.
I hope that he reads this and knows how much I appreciate him. He always took very good care of me and made sure that I was eating and doing the right things. I wouldn't have been able to recover as fully as I have, if it wasn't for him.
What I have learned through all of this is that you cannot let anyone or anything interfere with you health and happiness. Because no one but you and the person you are with knows exactly what goes on between the both of you. There are two sides to a relationship, there is the public side that everyone on the outside sees and then there is the private side. This is the side that only the two of you see and because of that no one can really know the importance of the other person in your life. So take advice and criticsm of your relationship with a grain of salt, remember that they only see the one side.
Your happiness is the key to your health, as well as your mental attitude. Please keep that in mind as you go forward in life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
However, the odds of surviving such a procedure with all of the other surgeries I have had over the past 12 years isn't promising. After speaking with several people that are very close to me and praying deeply on this subject I believe it is in my best interest to follow through with the second opinion. But, in the long run I must think of myself and what this surgery might mean. See, I am determined that I can beat this without surgery. I have started taking iron supplements which stimulates blood production and calcium to strengthen my bone marrow. i know that in the long run if I continue with these supplements I may be able to boost my hemacrit to a level that is safe.
I have been been doing this for about a month and the blood results that my primary care doctor got from the lab are promising. It seems that my blood level has increased almost by an entire point and which means that it is working. Like I said earlier this is all about the quality of life that I am expecting to have once I am on the mend. With open heart surgery there would have to be certain limitations placed on my body that I am not sure I am ready to agree too at this point. Since the specialist haven't receive the lab results from my primary care doctor as of yet they can't possibly make an informed decision. Luckily I was called by the doctors office yesterday afternoon, because my doctor is going to be out of the country the rest of the month.
I haven't even had a chance to share these test results with my best friend and partner yet because we talked right before Dr, Chris called me. No matter what happens to me at this point I have to say that I am content in the knowledge that those who love me are behind me and support me in this decision. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand, but I am not willing at this point to limit myself any further then I have with the past surgeries. i am finally on the mend both mentally and physically and for that I am greatful.
I remember my grandmother once telling me that we can dictate how we feel with our attitude and outlook. I hold myself with confidence and knowledge and I know that I can beat this. I know my better than any doctor and I know when things are changing within it. I am sure that it is the same with any person that has a terminal illness. We become intimately familiar with every nuance of our body and when change or illness occurs we are aware of it almost immediately.
I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if things between me and my partner are going to ever get back to where they were. But I do have hope and faith that no matter what happens at this point he will always and forever be a part of my life. I have told him many times in the past that I have never felt the way I feel for him with anyone else. Yes I have loved others but i have never wrapped myself and totally lost myself in another person like I did him. Sometimes, I know he felt under appreciated but trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't be here today without him and his strength. I don't think he knows how strong he really is, but it is his faith in me and quiet hope that has kept my spirits up throughout this past year of hospitalizations and doctors visits.
I hope that he reads this and knows how much I appreciate him. He always took very good care of me and made sure that I was eating and doing the right things. I wouldn't have been able to recover as fully as I have, if it wasn't for him.
What I have learned through all of this is that you cannot let anyone or anything interfere with you health and happiness. Because no one but you and the person you are with knows exactly what goes on between the both of you. There are two sides to a relationship, there is the public side that everyone on the outside sees and then there is the private side. This is the side that only the two of you see and because of that no one can really know the importance of the other person in your life. So take advice and criticsm of your relationship with a grain of salt, remember that they only see the one side.
Your happiness is the key to your health, as well as your mental attitude. Please keep that in mind as you go forward in life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't be a victim any more!
I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience. How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally. What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others. Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim. I started seeking professional help. Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship. Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone. As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, November 9, 2012
Living your own life can inspire someone...You just never know!
This is an email that I got on Meetme.com yesterday, and I wanted to reprint it here, along with my response. We just never know how us living our daily life, and being ourselves can actually help or inspire someone else. How you handle and deal with your everyday problems and crap can actually give another person hope. Plus, we actually never know what another person is going through or feeling until we actually talk to them. But here it goes:
The email I received: Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.
Here is my response: Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.
I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.
Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.
Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have.
Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.
I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.
The email I received: Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.
Here is my response: Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.
I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.
Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.
Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have.
Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.
I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.
As I was stating, just being ourselves might make all the difference in the world. Extend the hand of friendship and see where it leads you. You might be surprised at how a casual email or conversation can really touch another person's life. Nor where those conversations might lead you.
I never thought that just by complaining about how my day was going, and what I was going through was going to impact another persons life like this. I too understand about using the computer and current technology as a social life and a window into the world. Though I do miss social interactions and dealings with people on a daily basis. Hence my decision to go back to school and try a new career.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Advice to a friend
What I would like for you to take away from this is that everyone is struggling these days, there isn't a whole lot of money to go around and we have to make smart educated choices so that we can make the most out of the money we do have at our disposal. My friend's father sent her an email the other day when she asked him for help with money and bills. Here is the letter that he wrote to her and my response. I would like to see what you think of the advice both her father and I gave her.
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
Please keep in mind that what your Dad said was given out of pure love and total honesty. I know that what he said hurts and makes you want to dig in harder to just prove him wrong. But on the off chance that he is right are you prepared to face the consequences?
You have to keep in mind that every choice or action we choose that there is a direct and dire reward/consequence we have to accept for them. Now, your father gave you two options but there are actually quite a bit more that might be open too you depending on the situation. There is one thing that will change depending on staying in Cali or returning to GA, which is residency. This is a major thing as far as school is concerned. If you were to go back to GA you could enroll and start school without any waiting, you can take out the maximum amount of financial aid each semester and have enough money for books and tuition plus living expenses. You would also qualify for either student housing on or off campus at a much reduced price to accommodate the amount you would get in financial aid. I am only putting this out there because I know what you are trying to accomplish you and I have talked about this. (Remember I was the Financial Aid Director at American InterContinental University in Atlanta for several years).
If you stay in Cali you have to wait till you become a resident to qualify for instate tuition and the extra tacked on for being an out of state transfer student would eat up any of the extra funding you would get for housing. In Atlanta you wouldn't have that extra tacked on. The second option that your father gave you was the Military any branch of service. Now it is true that you would have to complete your basic training (boot camp) and your first series of schools before being sent to your duty station. However, that is education that is worth something to you. For several reasons and let me explain why....not only will it give you job skills that you can and will use in the course of your military career, it also will give you real world practical experience and will help you when you get out and are looking for work. But the other side of that coin is all military training is worth college credit hours too you and can be applied to any school that you want them too. You only have to wait a total of 9 months (approximately some training is more and some less in the military) before you are sent to your first duty station. Once you are assigned a duty station and have reported. You will probably need to take a bit of time and get used to your duty schedule and rotation. Once you have that under your belt and know when and what you are going to be doing. You can apply to a College in the area in which you are stationed. You can apply your military work toward college credit and be that much further ahead in your degree work, it also primes you for going into the Officer Candidacy program...more pay, better benefits and choice duty stations while you are in the military. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do both at the same time.
Now here are some other things to consider. You just graduated High School in June right? You haven't been out of school that long, you have accomplished a lot. You have gotten yourself all the way to California, got a place to stay and are doing okay for yourself. Money is tight an you are struggling, and are having a problem finding jobs. Am I correct in those assumptions so far?
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
2 other possibilities remain, now keep in mind any of the things that I am writing to you about can happen in GA or CA it doesn't matter you qualify for the help. You can also check out JobCorp, a lot of people think they only help with High School and practical training. JobCorp also has college type of campuses so you can check them out. You can also check out the Vocational Rehabilitation program and see if you qualify. You may not because you haven't been out of work for a year, but you never know till you try. The other thing that you need to check into is working for some temporary agencies. I am sure that you can find a good job with one of those. I know I did when I first started out. I got so good at typing I can type 65 words a minute on a good keyboard. I know Microsoft office products like the back of my hand and a whole bunch of other stuff...i just went into a temporary agency applied and kept taking their tests till I was good enough to pass them and before you know it I was making 10 to 15 dollars an hour.
I am not telling you to give up your hopes and dreams. I am not telling you that you should go back to GA. I want you to make that decision on your own. But I also want you to be honest with yourself and try like I have told you to change your perspective and look at the situation from every possible angle with logic and not emotion. I want you to realize that what your daddy said was done out of love and concern for you and your welfare and not out of a genuine desire to not help you. He wants to set you up for success and keep you from failing. If you stay in CA you maybe just setting yourself up for failure because before you have even started anything, job, school or anything else you are already burdened down with debt...That can truly keep you behind the 8 ball and keep you from succeeding. Once you fall behind you stay behind, retreating and regrouping is a common strategy used by the military and it works. It gives you the resources close at hand to journey back out and attack with full force. You can only attack with half force if you are divided by financial concerns. Just keep that in mind.
Whatever way you decide to go there are many more options than the ones presented here, you just have to change your perception and perspective enough to see all the different possibilities. Because there are an infinite number, you just have to see them to be able to make an informed choice. Because you don't want to pay for a bad choice later.
I would like to put this in my blog for today if you don't mind. I would like to use what your dad wrote to you from your post and my response to you if you wouldn't mind. Let me know please! I think what you are going through a lot of other young people are also struggling with and this could help them to look at their situation and make informed choices.
Each of us makes decisions and choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes it is hard for younger people to understand that, they haven't experienced enough of life yet. But as I keep telling everyone, there are more solutions than just two. For every problem there is an infinite number of solutions and that makes for a lot of different possibilities. We have to be able to make rational and realistic evaluations of the problem to come up with workable solutions. I talked to my friend today and she has decided to take a combination of what her dad and I advised her to do and came up with a really workable solution and a sound plan of action which should work out very well for her.
All it takes is looking at the problem from all different angles, change that perception and perspective and see it for what it really is.
Here is what she decided to do: No a matter of fact now that I think about it I'm going to do all three...go to Savannah state to build up my college credits then transfer if into the military ..Then get a job down there and save up my money as well for back up and emergencies
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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