What is it I am searching for?

I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love.  But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give.  It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't.  I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else.  As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.

I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way.  I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating.  What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.

So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind.  I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths.  I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not.  I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am.  Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on.  Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves.  A person who doesn't want anyone else but me.  I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.

I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word.  Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look.  A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me.  Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak.  A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.

Do you think that I am expecting too much?  Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life.  Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find.  I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way.  The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get.  Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.

I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit.  Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some.  For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.

Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it.  I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable.  I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.

Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Giving back or Paying it forward what does this mean?

It is easy to see around Christmas time that the spirit of giving and love is in the air.  But, what is the cause? It isn't because we have any more money then usual as a matter of fact Christmas time is when most of us go into some minor or major debt buying gifts for friends, family and loved ones.  Sunday my step mother and I were at Walmart, she had 4 or 5 little items, she set them down on the conveyor and was wrung up.  Before she could swipe her debit card the man in front of her told her to stop, he was paying for her groceries.  As I walked down the front of the store and past 2 other registers friends of this man was doing the same thing.  I went outside to smoke a cigarette and was surprised at how many people came out of the store with the Spirit of Christmas that they didn't have before they went into the store.  As they were all walking out they were all talking about the men paying for their stuff and saying Merry Christmas.

Now that is one way of paying it forward, and I am sure that it was contagious and the next person would pay for the person behind them because they now had extra money that they didn't think they would have.  Either that or they put the money in the Salvation Army cam outside the door with Santa Claus.  No matter what you do paying it forward not only benefits you it benefits another person.  I know we have discussed this subject before, but something is telling me that tonight is the night it needs to be rehashed. When you give of yourself, money, time, attention and love you will receive it back ten fold.  It is called the law of returns.  Remember that in the ethereal plane like energy attracts like. Positive attracts positive and Negative attracts negative.

I honestly the giving back and paying it forward are similar in nature could possibly be the same thing. By going to the nursing home each week I feel a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in seeing my friends that are patients there and others that work there.  They tell me that my positive energy and bubbly personality add life and character to the home when I am there. I take the time to walk through all the wards and say hi to everyone.  It is amazing that everyone in there knows my name and who I am by sight.  I talk to my friends Sue and Mark on the phone, and usually tell them what day and time I would be there to visit. My visits aren't for personal gain, the reason for my visits was because I know how it felt to be in there without anyone coming to visit.  Not having anyone come and break the monotony of the day.  How the boredom and daily schedule make the days blur together and begin to feel like you are in jail.  So I go back and visit my friends and those that have no family or visitors come to see them.  I love to see their smiles when I come in and hug them.

One person that I see every week is Miss Ruby Miller, she was my neighbor when I was a  patient there. She came into the ward after I had gotten there.  At first her family, son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit her almost every day.  But as the months have moved on her visits have become less and less.  As of this month I have been her only visitor, and I make sure that I stop by and visit with her. This afternoon she told the nurses at the nurses station that I am the only one that comes in and says Hi to her on the regular. I do understand that life must go on and that people have jobs, responsibilities and things to do, but it is hard on those in the nursing home because they only see the same people that work there day in and day out. They don't think about the work schedules, school schedules, after school activities, etc.  And in Miss Ruby Miller's case she has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember things like a normal person. Yet, every time I see her, she remembers my face and my name and tells me hi.  I give her my hug and tell her how good she is looking, which is so true.  She looks so much better than when she got there and she seems to be able to get around a whole lot better too.

But why am I talking about this subject now? What does it have to do with each and everyone of you?  Why would I talk about this so close to Christmas?  Well, the truth of the matter, most of the time people only get joyous and social around Christmas and that is when they think about doing for other instead of themselves and I am hoping that maybe we could change that because there are lonely people out there, there are shut-ins, there are elderly and so many others that we could and should take time to visit with, let them know that we love them and appreciate them.  No one wants to wither away and die unloved and unnoticed.  Please I am begging you to Pay it forward or Give back some of your time throughout this year.  See what joy it brings to the faces of those you visit and the joy it brings to your heart and soul.  Every day of every year should be like Christmas Time where we feel full of love, joy, laughter and hope, where we think of others before ourselves and take the time to enjoy our friends and family and loved ones.  It doesn't have to be one time a year.  It can be all year long.  Just try it and see!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!

I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend.  Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked.  The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month.  This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week.  However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out.  But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned.  When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go.  Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed.  Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.  

I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff.  I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place.  Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away.  Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it.  Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out?  Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August.  He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I  thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out.  Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway.  Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out.  If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently.  As it is for right now I am good.

This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one.  If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on.  Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself.  So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again.  The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned.  I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.

Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on.  Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move.  See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages.  Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks.  By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.

I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this.  When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly.  Trust that God and the universe will take care of you.  Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment.  Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you.  If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this.  I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable.  Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.

Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me.  But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me.  I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back.  But once again there has been no response.  I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me.  But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own.  Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.

This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents.  I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months.  Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life.  I am excited and happy about all of this.  A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me.  Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing.  This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.

Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one.  Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.

I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sometimes we have to Realign, Reevaluate, Readjust and Move On!

In February of 2012 I reached a point in my life where I couldn't go any lower, I had hit rock bottom.  I had lost my apartment in October, I also had a kidney stone and ended up in and out of the hospital.  I ended up staying in a hotel from the beginning of October till November 7th.  I had most of my possessions with me and my two dogs in the hotel and here I was in and out of pain and agony because of the kidney stone.  On November 7th, I had to leave the hotel because I couldn't pay for it any longer.  Animal control was called by the hotel manager and because I was leaving the hotel with nowhere to go my dogs were taken from me and destroyed.  I was hurt and devastated by this and here I was out on the street.   Long story short I lost everything, my home, my dogs, my car, and was wondering the streets of Atlanta, wondering what I was going to do.  For a little while I stayed with some friends, but when that went south, I ended up squatting in a vacant apartment that I knew about and used it as a hideout for almost a month and a half before I was finally caught and put out.   My father ended up helping me and I landed back in an extended stay for a little while.  But things were just not working for me.  Every step forward I took I ended up falling ten steps backward.  I turned back to heavy drug use, and that compounded the problems even further.  So in January my father and I spoke on the phone and he told me that he couldn't help me any further, that he just didn't have the money to put me up in a hotel any longer.  But, what he did do is he offered to buy me a bus ticket back to Florida.  Of course I would have to pay him back once I got down here.

What I realized during this time was that sometimes we need to take some time, reevaluate our lives, figure out what direction we want to go and readjust our goals.  So in January that is exactly what I did, and I realized that with the amount of drugs I was doing and my medical problems that I probably needed to get away from the temptation of the drugs and start over.  The first step in this process was realignment, I began searching my soul and heart and realized that I wasn't happy any longer in Atlanta.  See, I had been in a relationship for 12 1/2 years it had finally come to a final and bitter end in 2009, I started seeing someone else late in 2009 and we were together off and on till 2011.  But the problem was that there was nothing and no one really in Atlanta to hold me there.  Joe was gone, Sterling was gone, Noriko had left and gone back to Florida, most of my friends were either leaving or so hook on drugs, and nothing I did seemed to bring me any joy or fulfillment.  So I began my journey of soul searching, scouring my inner being to find my true self, the person I had been before I went into those relationships.  The person who was not afraid to take a chance, who was decisive, knew what he wanted, and then went after it.  It was that drive and ambition that had pushed me to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees, and I needed to reconnect with that person.  This was the period of realignment, I had to find myself again, realign my inner and outer being to become whole again.

Once I started on this path I realized that I needed to reevaluate not only my values, but my whole direction in my life. I needed to chart a new course one that wasn't dependent on others and make some definitive choices in my life.  So when my father offered to buy the bus ticket and bring me home, I jumped at the idea.  I ended up leaving Atlanta with just the clothes on my back and nothing else.  But, that is okay, because sometimes we have to change our location and friends to find ourselves again. This is what I call changing our venue. Sometimes, all it takes to get back to ourselves and find our direction again, is to move to a new place and start all over again.  Which is what I decided to do.  I embraced the challenge and got on that bus confident that the new journey I was on was going would bring me full circle and help me find myself again.  I am thankful that I took that step, because it took me from the temptations that were still in Atlanta, and helped me move on.  Once I had made the decision to move, I kept looking inward, and realized that not only did I have to reevaluate my values, direction and life, I needed to reevaluate my goals, dreams and hopes.

When I began looking at my goals and life objectives, it became apparent that I needed to start over totally from scratch so I set some manageable and achievable goals.  Therefore, I decided that once I got to my parents house I was going to save up money, get a car, get a job, a cellphone, and then my own place to live.  I had to readjust my thinking, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and let go of the past, to move on and away from the stuff I had lost and left behind in Atlanta.  I knew that I was coming to an unfamiliar place and that I was going to be alone, all I would have would be my father and stepmother, because last year they had moved from Orlando where I had grown up and moved to the beach.  So I would know no one and I knew that this was just the chance I needed to get my life back together and back on track.  See I had left all my friends and acquaintances behind in Atlanta, I would have no support network to fall back on. I would have to sink or swim because I knew my parents couldn't help me other than giving me a place to stay.  So I moved on.  Got on that bus and never really looked back.

Now I have been in Daytona Beach for 8 months now. I have been through a series of setbacks, mainly because of my health. But you want to know an amazing thing.  In 8 months, every goal that I had set for myself before I left Atlanta has been fulfilled. I actually feel good about myself, I don't feel like I have to ask anyone for permission to do anything. I got myself a car, have a great job, and rebuilt almost all of the things that I had lost in Atlanta.  I am proud of myself, and I realize how much this journey has helped me grow and mature.  I don't regret making the decision to leave, I have been able to steer clear of the drugs, the temptations and have actually overcome some very serious health issues.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to sit back and realign, reevaluate and readjust our lives and thinking and just move on. We have to take that leap of faith and know within ourselves that we are going to be victorious and overcome the obstacles and hardships that life is going to put in our path.  It is at these times that we really have to be sincerely honest with ourselves. Because this is when we are going to grow, learn and mature.  Once we get through the first part of our journey it becomes almost automatic for our mind perform the process over and over again, and you begin to realize that there are new goals and ways of looking at things and we move further along the path.

Even now as I am writing to you I am at a new point in my journey, I am about to move out of my parents place this weekend and move into my own space, now I had never planned on doing this alone, I had hoped to share this next phase of my life and journey with someone else.  But because things aren't actually working out as I have planned I realized today that it is once again time to stop and reevaluate, readjust, realign and move on. Because I need more in life at this point. I am working and volunteering my time, but it doesn't fill the void that I am feeling inside, so I write, I draw, watch movies and try to keep myself busy, but honestly there is something missing.  I have lost my ambition, my inspiration, and now on top of this I have found out just yesterday that I am facing another serious medical problem, and it has caused me to wonder what is next for me.  Because honestly over the past two weeks I have been asking myself a very heavy question and one that I cannot answer at this point.

The question being "When is it going to be my turn, why can't I find someone to take care of me, someone I can depend on? See all of my life, I have been the one that everyone has depended on. I was the one that supported and helped others. I put everyone else's concerns and needs before my own.  But, now when I need it who can I turn too? When will I find someone that cares about my desires, needs and wants first?  Honestly, with everything that is happening in my life, I don't think it will ever happen.  I am beginning to believe that my worst fear is going to come true, that I am going to be single and spend the rest of my life alone.  If you only knew what I was facing right now, how this new issue is going to further limit my abilities and that alone I fear is going to keep anyone from ever wanting to have anything more from me beyond a friendship. A very big part of me is devastated, because I have been living in denial since 2005 and finally it was brought home to me in a very real way on Friday.  If you want to understand this a little better read my blog entry "Inner Demon Finally Realized...Is there still hope?"

To further add to this desperation and loneliness I am feeling you have to understand that in the spring of this year I had reconnected with someone that I cared a lot about back in Atlanta, and as the months of us talking kept going.  He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. So finally in June I admitted the feelings I had for him.  We started dating, and in August he was supposed to come for a 3 week visit. To surprise him, I ended up driving to Atlanta to bring him back and you can read all about what happened in the blog entry "Misadventures in Paradise"... to fully understand what happened and what I went through while I was there.  To understand  how much I cared about this man read my entry called "Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment".  Over the last two weeks he found out some things, and is working through those issues on his own and has basically closed me out. He hasn't called or talked to me. He has sent me a total of 3 text messages in the past twelve days. Honestly it is killing me, there are so many things I want to tell him about my health and what is going on with this move.  How, I want him here with me, so that I can face the future with him, and for him to be by my side as I embark on this new phase of life.  Now, that I am getting my own place, I want him here with me to experience it and share it.  I have done everything I can to reach out to him, to encourage him to confide in me and talk to me because I know I can help with what he is dealing with.  Been there and done that as they say.

So here I sit wondering if it is yet again time to realign, reevaluate, readjust and move on. I can't make someone talk to me or confide in me.  The last time we spoke he told me that he was like this, warned me that he closes off. He told me that he loved me and that there was nothing wrong between us. Then I saw on his Facebook page that he posted that he feels like he is losing me.  So what do I do? How can I fix the situation when he won't talk to me. Is he testing me? I sent him text messages, emails, and Facebook messages, and still nothing. I keep reassuring him that I miss him and I love him. But nothing. He asked me to research flights for him to come and visit. I have done that. I have the information. Left him a message for him to call me so we could talk about it, yet nothing.  I want him in my life so bad, without him I feel like a part of me is missing. I find it hard to write, to sleep and even to deal with the problems and issues I have all on my own. I need him so much right now, and I am sure he could use my support and help.  It honestly feels like he doesn't trust me or want me to be involved in his life.  It makes me feel like I am nothing more to him than an annoyance and that I am bugging him.

So again, should I move on? Should I reevaluate my position and hope that one day he will come around. I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know that I have inspired him to be not only a better person, but he changed how he treats people and has reevaluated his own life because of my inspiration and positive attitude and outlook.

I wish there was a simple answer to this.  I wish I knew what he wants and what he is expecting.

So if nothing else remember that sometimes we just have to take a deep look inside of ourselves, change our location, our friends and move on to get to the next phase in our lives.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.

When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition.  College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror.  Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad.  What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life.  See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.

The reason for this is because of many different factors.  Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time.  As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made.  At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.

Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself.  I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at.  See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out.  It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions.  There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals.  Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school.  Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.

As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made.  Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here.  Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements.  See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey.  Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later.  As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security?  When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me.  Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief.  However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them.  The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.

Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt.  If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself.  See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished.  I was just looking at where I was at now.  Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here.  I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy!  Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.

There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital.  Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year.  In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned.  More than that I have come full circle in my life.  I came back to where I have started.  I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?"  The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now?  Would I have met the same people?  Would I have had the same experiences?  No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions.  So, No I wouldn't change a thing.  The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made.  If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy.  Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made.  I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service.  I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64).  I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of.  There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior.  This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side.  These are my only regrets.

Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today.  I am thankful for their support and friendship.  They have made everything I went through worthwhile!  If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia.  The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well.  It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice.  How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known.  Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today.  I was happy with that job and that life.  What came after was the hard part.

But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with.  Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today.  See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made.  I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had.  I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at.  Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you.  You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia.  In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease.  Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.

These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself.  It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself.  It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person.  It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference.  So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of.  But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses.  I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too.  Let me try to explain further about these things.  You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?"   The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here.  Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen.  Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am!  Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today.  I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it.  The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care.  I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again.  That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.

Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective.  I see the positive, beauty and good in the world.  This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest.  What I want you to take away from this entry is this.  no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at.  What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at.  Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be.  That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself.  It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile.  Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn.  Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it.  Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you.  Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you.  As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.

Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset.  Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works.  Think about it and you will see that I am right!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How fragile life is and how wondrous it can also be!

Yesterday in my blog entry I mentioned how I realized how fragile and precious life can be.  Some of you maybe wondering what I meant when I wrote that. So I thought I would discuss it a bit further so that you have a better understanding of what I mean.  See as some of you are aware from following my blog since the beginning, I have been battling cancer and leukemia for a little more than 20 years now.  This has been a long and hard battle, and one that I can honestly tell you I have been winning though there have been setbacks and changes to my life that have been earth shattering to say the least.  But, here I am still alive and writing to you about the adventures that I have been upon.  Life has been sort of kind and yet cruel to me at the same time.  The battle began in the summer of 1992 when they found a large tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide, with serrated edges and ulcerated down the middle.  I underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments and the tumor eventually vanished.

I went on to college and got several degrees, and journeyed to Atlanta and started a new life. I landed a great job right after school with the Georgia Department of Revenue.  I was there till I started having the same symptoms all over again.  This was in 2005 when it all began, and it got worse as the years went by. I ended up having to have parts of my large intestines removed and several parts of my small intestines.  An ileostomy was performed to save my life, the input of which is very close to the output of my stomach, so for years I have had a problem gaining weight and maintaining it.  Now years have gone by and I still have the bag attached to my small intestines and though it has saved my life, it has complicated it as well. See being a gay man I have the fear that I will not or can not be accepted by the gay community and gay men in general.  See sex has become very complicated and not to mention the scars and the bag that cause fear on my part.  They also make others uncomfortable when they find out about it. Now, it doesn't change who I am but it has made me reluctant to open up to others, the fear of rejection is high on the list of my fears and phobias.

To complicate matters in 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and the medication that I was put on immediately caused damage to my kidney's and has made life a bit more interesting to say the least.  Since 2008, I have found that having the ileostomy causes my body to dehydrate faster than a normal persons because my waste is fully liquid all the time in the bag, add in the fact that my kidney's are impaired and you come up with renal failure and end stage renal disease.  I have been hospitalized a lot because of this impairment, including recently in September when I visited 2 different hospitals and had to have fluids and potassium added to my body via IV.  Not a fun experience to say the least.  Now, further in December of 2011 I had a kidney stone, which caused a lot of problems.  Bladder infections, lodged kidney stone in the ureter tube, repeated hospitalizations and eventually a stint was put in to make it easier to urinate.  The stint was left in place till February when it was finally removed, come to find out the stint should have only been left in place for 30 days, and in my case it was in for a little more than 60 days.

Last week I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday.  A cyst had formed on the left kidney, when it was found it was 2mm by the time they got the drain put in to drain it, the size had grown to 8cm. They were able to drain 40mL of fluid from it.  Luckily there was no sign of bacteria or infection in the fluid that was extracted from the cyst.  Battery after battery of tests were given and still no answer to why the cyst formed and if it would come back again.  My biggest fear is that when they removed the stint back in February, I believe that tissue had grown around the stint and when it was removed I believe that a small tear formed and that is where the fluid is coming from.  I am now wondering what can be done to correct the damage that was done. But, it doesn't change the fact that life has thrown yet another curve ball at me that I have to deal with.

What I want you to understand that I had 10 years of good health before I got ill again, and during that time I built a life, a good one and made a lot of money.  But, when I got sick again, I watched how quickly it could all be taken away from me.  I learned a lot of things during this time and that is why I started writing this blog, to help others overcome the trials and tribulations that life throws at us.  When I moved home in February, I had no idea that in March I would be faced with death and that an emergency surgery had to be performed.  2012 has been a year of hospitalizations and death seems to have been lurking around every corner for me. Even as I write this tonight it feels like the fluid is building back up in my pelvic region again. I am hoping it is phantom pains but my luck hasn't been running so good lately.  The only other change was the my HIV medication, we changed to a whole new regimen over the last week and this is the second time that this has happened since I started the new meds.  I am hoping that when I go to my follow up appointment with my surgeon he will have some other ideas that he can throw out at me.

Now what I want you to realize is that life is fickle and can throw you many curve balls when it comes to your health. One minute you can be healthy and the next you are sick. Then you could be like me and battling a whole series of terminal illnesses and putting the medical profession on their toes with the amount of care that is needed to just keep me going daily.  But the up side to all of this is that life is what you make of it.  Health is an important factor, but it isn't the only factor that you have to take into consideration, you need to choose those things that make you happy as well, because life is fleeting and precious. You have to take the moments that you are given and live them to the fullest, and if you happen to miss some of the moments, take the time to create your own. In the long run you are going to be glad that you did.  Never miss the opportunity to tell your loved ones how you feel about them, and don't hide your feelings or keep them bottled up inside of you.  The reason why is you never ever know when your last moment on this earth is going to be.

For years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside of me, and I was on a hair trigger and the least little things would set me off.  This didn't make it easy for those that were trying to be in a relationship with me, and it certainly didn't make it fun being my friend.  I have since learned that every moment is a gift that we are given, we are not guaranteed another day on the earth, so be sure to express yourself truly, for there really is no greater crime then missing out on something because you were to afraid to let someone know how you really felt about them.  You may not even realize it till it is too late and they have moved on, but what does it hurt to let them know how you felt or feel about them. You never know your chance may come around again.  What I am hoping that you will take away from this blog entry is that you need to utilize the time you are given and excel in the things that you love, leave behind the things that you don't. Be yourself always and express your desires openly, do not be afraid.  One thing you will learn is that rejection is part of living and if you never take the chance you might miss out on some very good opportunities, not to mention the love of your life or even possibly your soul mate.  Keep in mind how fleeting and fragile life is, know your body, get to know when you are not feeling right and act accordingly. Don't be like me and wait till the last possible second to go to the hospital, because even though I have been lucky so far, my time might just run out while I am second guessing myself.  There have been so many times when I have gotten to the hospital at the nick of time, where the doctors have told me and my partner that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. Be responsible for yourself. Be true to yourself and others, you owe them that much.

Another thing that I have learned along this journey that I am on is that there is never a good reason to lie, and life is too short to have to keep up with different stories, stick to the truth, it will get you further in the long run, and if people are truly your friends they are going to get angry with you for pointing out their flaws and shortcomings but in the long run they are going to thank you for your honesty and appreciate you all that much better.  I don't know what life has in store for me at this moment in time, but I can tell you that I plan to live whatever time I have left happily and without regrets and express how I feel to others, no matter what the cost, because I will tell you I have made mistakes in the past and I don't want to miss out on one minute of happiness in my life from here on out.

In the ten short years that I had of health after this whole thing started I had a life, a real one, full of laughter, anger and pain, and I let obsession for more money, more things cloud my judgement. I threw away the things that made me happy and I tell you I won't make the same mistakes again. A person can live a full and happy life in just ten short years. You can accomplish so much and if you are focused and dedicated you can build a whole lifetime into that little span of time. I know I did and I am glad that I had the opportunity and the experience. I know one day soon I will be healthy again, I just know that the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far to bring me home now. I still have so much to do and more to explain to the world before I am ready to cash it in for the pearly gates.

So take it from me, you can do a lot, but you have to take ownership of your health, be responsible, know your body, be proactive, and let me stress yet another fun fact that you might not know, 3 out of 5 people today are walking around not even knowing that they are affected with HIV/AIDS. They have no symptoms and feel fine. So know your status, get checked often and be proactive about your care if you do find out you are ill.  Knowing as they say is half the battle, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?

I know we have talked about personal power before and I have given you advice on how to take that power back.  But how do you recognize the signs?  How do you know when someone has power over you? Do you even know that you have given them the power?  Is there anyway to stop it from happening? Finally is it really a bad thing?  The answer to all of this is not as simple as it might seem and if there are warning signs, they are purely emotional.  As we enter into relationships we had a tendency to put our all into them and when we do, we end up giving up a piece of ourselves.  For the most part you can control how much you give, by limiting how much of your heart you choose to expose.

However, if you are like me, you sometimes give too much. Usually for me it starts out slowly and picks up momentum as the days and weeks go by before I know it, the other person has the ability to make me feel a certain way about myself.  that is when I know I have gone too far.  Because even now I am not sure anyone is worthy of having that much power over me. I keep waiting for them to prove themselves and so far I am the only one waiting around.  Days go by with no phone calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When I finally do connect with him, there is no real conversation, just the routine and the mundane.  I have realized this seems to happen to me a lot.  I open my heart, give out love and stand around waiting for it to be returned.  When I ask if anything is wrong between us, I am told everything is fine.  But why don't I feel fine?

The person used to inspire me, make me feel good about myself. Now all I do it think what have I done now?  What has happened? Where has the communication gone?  The real answer it hasn't gone anywhere. What has changed is the base of power.  I gave my heart away, and now I am looking for a return on that investment.

One of the first noticeable symptoms of power surrender, is when the other person's opinion matters to you more than your own.  Because you see they have the ability to make you feel a certain way. No one should have that much power over another person.  Developing feelings that strong can lead to problems and can start a very co-dependent relationship.  These types of relationships can be detrimental and hurtful to both parties involved.  Now, all of this depends on the person you are with and how much you can trust them.  Again the keys to any successful relationship are trust, communication, honesty and openness.  In co-dependent relationships one partner uses the power that is given to them to control and manipulate every situation.  In a wholesome and healthy relationship each partner retains their own sense of self.  They are okay with maintaining separate as well as unified gatherings and friends.  In other words they are just as comfortable with you and doing things together as they are doing them alone or with a group of their own friends.  Leading both separate and together lives.

So how do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?  Easy! When you long to hear from them, when it seems like you can't do anything without them.  When you care so much about their opinion that you totally ignore your own feelings.  I honestly don't believe it is healthy to feel that way at all.  You need to regain your sense of self.

You need to feel good about yourself, your decisions and you can't do that if you are dependent on someone else and their feelings and opinions.  With all of this being said there is a healthy medium that can be reached. Compromise is still the name of the relationship game.  But, you have to have your own independence even in a relationship.  You need to be free to do what you want to do with consideration to your partner, but you cannot spend every single second together.  It just won't work!  So here is where I recommend  keep your own friends and continue to do things with them. Encourage your partner to do the same.  Make mutual friends together, make time to dow some things together, and still balance them with your own personal me time.

I always like to include my partner, but I do realize that he needs to have his own independence and freedom. Secret to success is communication, open and truthful conversation, plus quality alone time together.  If you can enjoy sitting in the same room doing different things, yet still enjoying and sharing each others warmth and company I would say you have reached the perfect and harmonious place in your relationship that I have been talking about.  Trust me you are still going to need quality alone time with each other, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. But you also have to have some quality me time so that you can grow and mature as an individual.  If you can achieve that in your relationship you too can have a relationship that last 12 or more years.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

True Friendship

As I have told you before finding those true friends is a rare and beautiful thing.  When you find them you need to hold on to them and cherish them.  I have one friend that pops into mind almost immediately.  This man has been with me through so many things, yes, we have had our problems, and fights, but somehow we have always managed to get past them and work it out. My best friend Jason was there with me the night that I found out I was HIV Poz.  He sat with me on my bed at my house and held me, and we talked and talked for hours.  This was a very cold night back in December of 2006, it was just a week after he had learned himself that he was HIV positive.  I drew strength and courage from him even though he was a lot younger than me.

But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart.  However, our story was far from finished.  See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs.  Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines.  Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe.  This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people.  I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had  paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe.  Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name.  Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.

Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time.  Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly.  Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us.  I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago.  Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him.  Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him.  Though everyone one else uses his middle name.

Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit.  The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people.  I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain.  Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex.  I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG!  But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about.  Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly.  Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me.  What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive.  He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason.  I  can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex.  Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all.  I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe.  Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.

So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total.  I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship".  But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile.  You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.

Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends.  All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place.  This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place.  Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore.  But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world.  He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer.  Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again.  He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me.  Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag.  Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into.  Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life.  You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over.  Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it.  By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.

Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion.  Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me.  I know he knows I'd do the same for him.  There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him.  I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came.  Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust.  Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off.  Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health.  I love him still to this day.

Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time.  The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was.  He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it.  That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me.  If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world.  The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen.  Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital.  Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal.  I can honestly say I knew him when.  Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was.  Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.

The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break.  But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance.  They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn.  You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs.  In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent.  You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.

A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had.  Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up.  They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths.  They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.

Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them.  Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you.  Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.

I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same.  My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support.  Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do.  Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away

One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment.  If I were you I would truly savor the here and now.  That precious irreplaceable right then, this second.  That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night  with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again."  How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by?  How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them?  I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment.  It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me.  Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old.  These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.

I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart.  To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me.  Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in.  Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years.  Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other.  The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see.  I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by.  How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now!  We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone.  You can't change what you have done or where you have been.  But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life.  Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.

Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance.  It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way.  But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it.  Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late.  Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious.  Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."

Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel.  Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something.  Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life.  I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared.  Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together."  That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out.  Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone.  Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do?  Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?

"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us."  Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment.  This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history.  Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with  are fleeting, and if you aren't focused  and paying attention they will pass you by.

Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here.  For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment.  Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it.  Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done!  Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death.  Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me.  How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again.  Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me.  Just because I wanted him.  Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me.  He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me.  Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love.  Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.

Life is too short to face it all alone my friends.  Take a chance open your heart to love.  Promise me you will give it another try.  You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down.  Just get back up when it knocks you down."

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Please keep in mind, you are very special

Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again.  This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel.  I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it.  You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful.  Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.

I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short.  How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are.  I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them.  How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different.  Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste.  Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life.  Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.

It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something.  Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you.  The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments.  You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of.  You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model.  You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.

Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born.  The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on.  Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration.  You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa.  Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.

No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better?  Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong.  Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself.  When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you.  Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey.  Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way.  This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!

Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them.  Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own.  Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy.  Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.

So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be.  Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable."  Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you.  God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.

Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago.  "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not.  So yes you are special, in so many ways.  Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.

I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed.  You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people

Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me.  Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires.  I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships.  My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing.  Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help.  But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life.  Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today.  I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.

I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey.  Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama.  See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems.  If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them.  Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.

I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income.  Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it.  I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.

If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy.  I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean.  I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things.  Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out.  Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.

I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time.  Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore.  I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.

But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of.  I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was.  Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here.  I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to.  She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true.  Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it.  What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing.  I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.

My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.

I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way.  My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs.  Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament.  Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing.  But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you.  That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.

I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then.  Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear  it.

I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write.  I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at.  I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day.  But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet.  But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.

So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on.  Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.

All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life.  Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them.  Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B