Real man in a relationship

A friend of mine had posted this in our group and I thought I would share it with you because I believe there is great truth in this young man's words and thoughts. Thank you Ely for letting me share your wisdom!

"A real man treats his partner like a priority, not an option. A real man shows his love through his everyday actions. And a real man doesn't have to be reminded..."
‪#‎ely‬

I have to say Amen to that because he is preaching to the choir here.  I have been trying to tell people this sentiment but I have never had it broken down to me in such a way.  This is truly a young man who has an old soul and a wisdom way beyond his years.  

How do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?

I know we have talked about personal power before and I have given you advice on how to take that power back.  But how do you recognize the signs?  How do you know when someone has power over you? Do you even know that you have given them the power?  Is there anyway to stop it from happening? Finally is it really a bad thing?  The answer to all of this is not as simple as it might seem and if there are warning signs, they are purely emotional.  As we enter into relationships we had a tendency to put our all into them and when we do, we end up giving up a piece of ourselves.  For the most part you can control how much you give, by limiting how much of your heart you choose to expose.

However, if you are like me, you sometimes give too much. Usually for me it starts out slowly and picks up momentum as the days and weeks go by before I know it, the other person has the ability to make me feel a certain way about myself.  that is when I know I have gone too far.  Because even now I am not sure anyone is worthy of having that much power over me. I keep waiting for them to prove themselves and so far I am the only one waiting around.  Days go by with no phone calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When I finally do connect with him, there is no real conversation, just the routine and the mundane.  I have realized this seems to happen to me a lot.  I open my heart, give out love and stand around waiting for it to be returned.  When I ask if anything is wrong between us, I am told everything is fine.  But why don't I feel fine?

The person used to inspire me, make me feel good about myself. Now all I do it think what have I done now?  What has happened? Where has the communication gone?  The real answer it hasn't gone anywhere. What has changed is the base of power.  I gave my heart away, and now I am looking for a return on that investment.

One of the first noticeable symptoms of power surrender, is when the other person's opinion matters to you more than your own.  Because you see they have the ability to make you feel a certain way. No one should have that much power over another person.  Developing feelings that strong can lead to problems and can start a very co-dependent relationship.  These types of relationships can be detrimental and hurtful to both parties involved.  Now, all of this depends on the person you are with and how much you can trust them.  Again the keys to any successful relationship are trust, communication, honesty and openness.  In co-dependent relationships one partner uses the power that is given to them to control and manipulate every situation.  In a wholesome and healthy relationship each partner retains their own sense of self.  They are okay with maintaining separate as well as unified gatherings and friends.  In other words they are just as comfortable with you and doing things together as they are doing them alone or with a group of their own friends.  Leading both separate and together lives.

So how do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?  Easy! When you long to hear from them, when it seems like you can't do anything without them.  When you care so much about their opinion that you totally ignore your own feelings.  I honestly don't believe it is healthy to feel that way at all.  You need to regain your sense of self.

You need to feel good about yourself, your decisions and you can't do that if you are dependent on someone else and their feelings and opinions.  With all of this being said there is a healthy medium that can be reached. Compromise is still the name of the relationship game.  But, you have to have your own independence even in a relationship.  You need to be free to do what you want to do with consideration to your partner, but you cannot spend every single second together.  It just won't work!  So here is where I recommend  keep your own friends and continue to do things with them. Encourage your partner to do the same.  Make mutual friends together, make time to dow some things together, and still balance them with your own personal me time.

I always like to include my partner, but I do realize that he needs to have his own independence and freedom. Secret to success is communication, open and truthful conversation, plus quality alone time together.  If you can enjoy sitting in the same room doing different things, yet still enjoying and sharing each others warmth and company I would say you have reached the perfect and harmonious place in your relationship that I have been talking about.  Trust me you are still going to need quality alone time with each other, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. But you also have to have some quality me time so that you can grow and mature as an individual.  If you can achieve that in your relationship you too can have a relationship that last 12 or more years.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Gay Relationships and there transitory nature

I find that the gay relationship and the gay definition of love to be somewhat more difficult to pin down and define.  Perhaps the reason why I feel this way is because of their transitory aspect of them.  Let me explain, for some reason gay men seem or appear to change their partners more often then their heterosexual counterparts.    Now, I know this is a broad ranging stereotype and not all gay men change their partners like they do their underwear. Yet, some do! I believe that there is a reason for this and I will explain.  I grew up in the 80's, graduated high school in '86, and joined the Navy in September of that same year.  I met my first lover after boot camp while attending A-school.  We were together for a little more than a year and half in Great Lakes and spent a great deal of time in Chicago. However, he graduated before me and was sent o the fleet.  After he left, I had finally came to terms with my sexuality and my desires and I began to sow my wild oats.  I discovered gay bars, alcohol and men, a lot of men.  When an arriving officer or dignitary would arrive on the ship, they would ring a bell and announce their title. Jokingly, my shipmates would tease me and say that the bells should ring when I came aboard and announce me as the Atlantic Fleet. Because of how many men I had been with.  Now, this is an exaggeration, but there was a time when I was very promiscuous.  Since me and my first had separated, with no set rules or parameters on our relationship.  We eventually did get back together, and went to C-school together spending another 2 years before he was sent back to the fleet. Long story short our off and on again relationship was to endure for seven years total before it ended.  

During that time we both experimented and tried all sorts of different things. What I was going through was what I called my "Slut Phase". I believe that this is something that all gay men go through.  Now hear me out on this...I believe that it is the mental liberation from the norms of society, the revolution of the male psyche and libido as they explore their sexuality.  Hence the instability!  Closeted males are usually pretty straight-laced with their interactions, but really let their hair down and go over the top in their secret adventures, exploring all aspects of the male and female body.  Eventually identifying with which group they feel more able to bond with socially and emotionally. It truly is my belief that we are all born bi-sexual, and that as we develop an affinity forms between which group (male or female) we feel more comfortable with and bond more easily with. I would say that this sexual revolution and experimentation starts in mid-teens and can last all the way up to early 30's.  As gay men get older this trend does seem to slow and calm down for most.  But, there are cases where a person is unable to deal with their sexuality and denies it or continues to hide it til much later in life.  These men may even marry and have families, and sneak out to indulge or scratch their itch on the side.  Only to one day come to the realization that they cannot continue living the lie and hurting everyone they love and care about. These types of situations are usually painful and highly messy. Wife and children feel betrayed and hurt, and don't fully comprehend that this has been a silent and secret battle that has been raging in side of their Husband or Father for his entire life time.  There are the other types that never seem to mature fully and never do come to understand or grasp the concept between love and lust and they will continue to jump from relationship or partner to partner.  But, as I did say as some gay men get older and they mature, they begin to realize what they want and like to settle down and begin building a relationship with another person.

This is just a part of the reason why young gay men find it so hard to settle down and maintain a relationship, the other part is the misconception these young men associate and call love.  Because in actuality as they are going through the "Slut Phase"  lust and hormones are substituted and mistaken for love. It is really easy to confuse intense physical attraction with love and to proceed to try and make a relationship happen. This then brings up a question in my mind, which comes first the relationship or love?  My thoughts on this are mixed, but I will endeavor to explain. Lust and love, flip-sides of the same coin aren't they?  It is hard to have one without the other, though I guess in some cases it can be done. Lust is the initial stages of love, that if nurtured and treated correctly can grow into love. See the key to understanding love is that there has to be a mutual attraction, which is then combined with knowledge, acceptance, and understanding of the other person, this then forms emotional ties that bind the together as one.  To explore does a relationship have to have love to work?  The answer is NO , keeping in mind that two individuals can come together to benefit one another.  This is a relationship that is based on mutual trust and admiration, it is formed as a partnership just like a a business.  Over time, feelings can develop from that base and develop into a healthy and loving relationship. Again, the secret is that Love, in all it forms is a journey or a path that we are on. It is a fragile thing that must be tended and cared for.  It cannot be mishandled or mistreated in anyway or it will simply wilt and die.  With all that being said you may even begin to wonder if love is truly a blessing or a curse.  But I think that really is just a perception, because just as love and lust are flip sides of a coin, so are blessing and curse.  It just depends on how you care to look at.  Love being such a fragile thing can easily turn to hate.  Unfortunate, but true, in the wrong hands love can be a weapon of disastrous proportions or it can be a balm to heal and cure all things.  View point and usage are the two things that can turn it from a blessing to a curse in a heartbeat and vice-versa. 

It is my humble opinion that you need to be wise with your heart, be frugal with your love.  I keep telling you that it is a precious commodity, and once given is very hard to get back, be cognizant of who you give it to and be wary of their intentions. If you are like me and attracted to younger men you need to be aware of the transitory nature of the beast. All men are the same, we have eyes and we often see things that attract us.  The difference is as we get older we have a broader experience base to draw from, and maturity and patience that exceeds that of your younger counterpart.  It is from this experience base that we draw from that keeps us from throwing our partner away on chance encounters.  But, because they don't have the same, you must expect that there might be indiscretions on their part that you may have to weather, if you choose to continue down the road of relationship.  Keeping this in mind I recommend that you should only invest as much love into another person as they return to you.  If the love you give out isn't immediately returned in full measure cut your losses and get out.  You seriously need to get as much as you give!

So my dear friend after careful consideration and exploring the facts, I think it is inevitable as young gay men explore their sexuality and burgeoning libido no matter how desperately they claim to want to settle down and be in a relationship, it is very hard to maintain.  If you are young and gay, I sincerely urge you to explore whatever you can, be safe as you do it and love wisely, be honest with those you enter into relations with, because if you aren't completely 100 percent honest with them you are going to end up hurting yourself and the person you care about. If you are older and more mature and like younger guys, be aware of the transitory nature. Expect to be a player in the cosmic shuffleboard of relationship.  If you are patient enough and understanding enough, and can endure the cheating, you may wake up one day and find that your perseverance has been paid off.

Be wary of how you spend your love and who you give it too! Don't get too wrapped up in the idea of love and miss the genuine thing.  Know who you are getting involved with and protect your heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B