Death comes for us all

Back in April my father found out that he had late stages of lung cancer.  By the time that they found the large mass in his lungs he had already developed 2 matastasized tumors in his brain.  Within a few days of finding out that he had cancer he was in the operating room and had brain surgery.  He recovered from that rather quickly and seemed to be getting stronger.  However, when I went to visit him in June he had started treatments and was feeling sick all the time.  I must admit that my troubles in Daytona with my car, and then my wallet and checking account plus being in and out of the hospital all the time didn't help his situation.  At one point he told me that I made his life miserable, why couldn't I just leave him alone and not make his death miserable.  I was hurt because my father is my go to person whenever I am having problems and he has been there for me every single time that I needed his advice or rescuing.  My step mother talk to me one afternoon after him and I had a fight and told me that the medication and the steroids they had my father on was making him angry and crouchy and that he didn't mean to hurt me.

However, in a way I think some of what he said to me that day was true.  Over the past 6 years my dad has had to rescue me or bail me out at least 15 or 20 times.  I got stranded in Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale and struggled since my break up with Kerry.  My dad was there for all the problems that Dominic and I had and all the fighting that him and I went through. Dad had to come and get me several times when the fighting became physical.  My dad has been my rock and sounding board since I got sick in 2005 when he came to live with me and Joe and take care of me after my first couple of bowel resections.  It is hard to think of the man who has been there for me so much in the past to be down and out like his right now.  As a matter of fact his birthday is just a few days away and he is going to be 73 years old.  It makes me feel bad that the last summer of his life I made him miserable and had him worried about me and my welfare when his own health was hanging in the balance.  But the job of a parent doesn't ever end no matter what is happening.  I am just learning this now.

I hope that my dad gets better and is able to read this post because I want to tell him that I am very appreciative of all the things that he has done for me and that I am thankful for all the times he has been there for me and that I am going to be lost without him.  He is right that I never grew up and I don't know how to live on my own.  I don't know how to deal with people and that I am better off on my own.  Because I really don't have a clue as to what I am doing.  I am very intelligent but I don't have any common sense at all.  I was lucky when I met Joe Royer and I left Orlando and I went to Atlanta.  He was the stabalizing force in my life, he had the practical knowledge  on how to survive, and since him and I separated I have been drifting and struggling with people, emotions, and drugs.  I found my refuge in my high and I used it to escape the reality of my situation and my disability.

I have some growing up to do.  I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net.  He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.

Maybe I took that too much for granted, and didn't tell my dad as much as I needed to how much he meant to me.  Now that I am sitting here this morning I am really scared and wondering what I am going to do if he dies. I know that sounds silly and selfish and pretty childish, but honestly I have never truly been on my own,  all I had to do is pick up the phone and call my dad.  Last night when I was told that my dad was in the hospital again, and that he wasn't doing all that well, I got to thinking about how much he means to me and what it would be like to loose him.

Apparently, according to my step mother he has contracted a virus and hasn't been eating or drinking and has not been in his right mind in a couple of days.  He apparently doesn't always know who is around or where he is at.  He mistook my brother for my step mothers son, who is in Ohio and not close by at this time.  This makes me think back to the last few weeks of my friend Demario's life and how right before we got him to the hospital he was experiencing a similar episode and didn't remember leaving one hospital and being admitted at a different one.   My friend never recovered after that and was gone in less than 10 days.  I am hoping that this isn't the case with my father but I don't really know what to expect because this is my first time when I was extremely close with death.  When my grandparents died I wasn't anywhere near them and couldn't tell you how they acted.  But, I was there for Demario's passing and I know the struggles that he went through and I am seeing a similar pattern with my father.

I know that each of us has and allotted time upon the Earth and when it is our time it is our time to go.  That there is nothing that is going to change that fact, but there is still the hope that more time will be granted if asked for.  The mind and the body are incredible pieces of machinery that have the ability to adapt and overcome to a myriad of illnesses and disabilities.  The human brain can cause miracles to happen and heal wounds by sheer though power alone.  But I also believe in the healing power of prayer.  I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that He is the ultimate physician and can heal the body totally and instantly. 

I would ask all of you to keep my family, especially my father Bryan Zepp Sr. in your prayers.  Because I don't think that it is quite his time to go just yet.  I would ask for prayers of total and complete recovery and the lessening of pain so that he is comfortable.

Please do this for me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Finally Alone but not at Peace.

I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog.  One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see.  That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing.  But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned.  In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet.  Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it.  Guess what he was absolutely right.

Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way.  It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage.  Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through.  I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing.  My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out.  I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something.  I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items.  Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives.  Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle.  Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it.  Not right or fair.

Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here.  I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along.  But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world.  I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way.  Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior.  In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through. 

2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn.  This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of.  I ended up losing everything that I had left.  The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch.  The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health.  My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida.  Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all.  Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way.  But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place.  I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.

But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs.  For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow.  I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want.  I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me.  How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.

I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool.  I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow.  Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me.  I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy.  Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me.  I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health.  In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore.  I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance.  But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all.  My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.

For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life.  But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone.  For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was.  I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him.  I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give.  I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.

So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that.  I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me.  Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all.  The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet.  I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened.  We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away.  Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people.  But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.

But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts.  I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself.  I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either.  I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets.  Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets.  I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life.  There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity.  I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.

I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us.  Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result".  I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.

I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there.  I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through,  if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it.  I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive.  I hope you will too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Smile

I am sitting here listening to my favorite songs and the music that is flowing all around me reminds me of a bright beautiful smile.

A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold

People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you

So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down

Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.

It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.

As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,

Uncle B

Time and place

When you have reached the fill of bullshit that others throw your way you are going to change major components of your life. This may entail changing your venue and restarting your life over again or simply adjusting the current way you are living.

This prospect is usually unappealing and daunting, but trust me there may come a time and place where this may be the only available option. Each of us have different breaking points just like each of us has different levels of patience and when that runs out tester beware because the resulting explosion may actually take their head off. It is never fun or pleasant to see someone reach their wits end not is it fun to be the recipient of of such a cataclysm.

Life presents each of us with challenges and problems in which we must strive to overcome. We may not know the first steps we have to take, we may even be blindsided by these issues, just know that everything in time has an ending. Nothing lasts forever and all issues seek their own resolution in their own time. Though we may not know the correct actions to take each problem will present it's own resolution in time, be patient and trust that God has you and will carry you through.

I don't know what my point of no return is, and I hope that I am never pushed that far. I am patient and try to be understanding in all things that deal with others. Though I will admit that there are times when my buttons are pushed and my patience is tried, especially lately, my​ health is steadily decreasing due to the advancing of cancer throughout my body and those around me seek to undermine me and test the limits of my nature.

On March 28th I will be heading to Gainesville, FL where at Shand's Hospital they will be operating on me to remove a portion of my right Kidney. To some this might be a routine operation, but for someone like me that has had so many abdominal surgeries in the past this is going to be a tricky procedure. One in which my doctor's feel that I will be successful and recover from. Though, I have my misgivings about such risky surgery since I have suffered near death on a few occasions.

Yet, for all things there is a time and a place. I am reminded of something that I once told you about how it is not the ending of the road but the path we take that creates the character and strength of who we become. We are all works in progress and the journey is what molds and shapes us. Fate and Destiny work hand in hand to bring us to the exact place we are supposed to be at exactly the right time. You will see that no matter the path that you choose you are going to reach the exact spot you were meant to be, at exactly the precise time. This is just one of the immutable facts of cyclical living. Our lives are a basis of cycle and circles, think about it this way everything has a way of coming back around. What's​old will come back in fashion, when one relationship ends another begins and so forth. Life is a series of circles​and cycles.

So, as this time of surgery and recovery looms near, I know that it is but for a mere fraction of time and then I will be on to face something else just as harrowing as this, though if luck holds maybe not as adruous or hard. But again only time will tell.  I just keep firmly entrenched in my mind that "This too shall pass" and remember that nothing lasts longer than it is supposed to. Because everything has it's own time and place.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

When is enough enough?

Sometimes in life you have to weigh whether each situation warrants our continuance or our separation.  Each situation has to be weighed carefully so that we don't hurt ourselves or others.  Many times we enter into agreements or arrangements without thought to the future. You must be true to yourself and honest as well in order to know the appropriate time on which to make our exit. 

Knowing when to fold your hand and throw in, is just as important as understanding the odds of the cards stacked against you. Yes you have made a promise or an agreement, but if all facts were not known at the time of making such agreement can you be truly blamed for ​changing your mind. Though it is never pleasant backing out of an agreement or arrangement it sometimes becomes necessary when your health, wealth and stability are threatened.

Always gather as much knowledge as you can before entering into such arrangements and be sure to keep your​options open for as long as you can. It is easier to change your mind before agreeing than afterwards. Because there are always consequences for terminating an agreement ahead of the prescribed time. Always be wary and aware.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

For you

Another day another time, when one season ends another begins, for with every ending comes a new begining.  If you do not reach out and do something for yourself you can't expect someone else to do it for you.  Have peace and confidence in all that you do.  Change is in the air, and before you know it you will be in another space.

Each season has it's own color and theme, life is colored by the grace and warmth that each new dawn brings. Nothing ventured nothing gained.  You cannot expect something to come from nothing, because nothing ever will. Listen to the sound on the wind and the song of the birds in the air.  Let their joyous melody free you from the mundane. 

Grow from love, because compassion and understanding given will benefit you more when it is returned.  Love hard and love long, because it will keep you strong.  Everything that you put out will be returned to you ten fold.  Trust and believe that everything that you ever need with be granted unto you.  The needs must come before the wants, if not nothing can thrive.

Balance all you do with tolerance and understanding because these are what makes you a stronger man.  Acceptance and peace are gifts that can be graciously recieved and given.  Be open and receptive so that you can grow taller and stronger.

Abide in truth and honesty so that others know you to be a stalwart guardian of peace and love. Integrity above pity, Trust before greed and faith in others should be you work of the day.

For in the end you can only grow if you learn to be trusting compassionate, truthful and strong. 

The future is full of change and hope for you.  I see it all the year long.

May God grant you fortune and prosperity, seek and find your happiness, time can be an enemy or a guide use it to your own advantage. Beware of those that seek to drag you from your path.  Stay true to your desires and keep your goal firmly in your mind.

Love yourself so you can show that love to others.  Do not fear what tomorrow brings because God is with you in all things.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Free will vs fate

How can these two things co-exist and still allow us to function and fully achieve goals that we make in our lives.  How do these two diverse and diametrically unseen forces hold say over our path in our daily journey.  Life is constantly putting decisions in our path and this is where the forces come into play.

It is true that we have the freedom to make the choices and cause our journey to branch and keeps our journey interesting helps propel us toward our goals. However,  fate sometimes has to gives a nudge or push in the right direction.  No matter what choices you make fate makes sure that we end up in the proper place at precisely the right time.

You can make all right choices in your life and yet end up at precisely the same place  no matter what you may have decided.  For every decision that you make there are other unseen forces that come into play that  reinforce fates designs. They are known as physical laws or laws of nature.  The law of cause and effect and the law of retribution.

If you honestly think about it there is a truth and consequence for every decision that we make. These are the foundations to the lessons that we are to learn.  Remember that it is the journey that maketh the man.  Humans learn through experiencing pain and only pain. We might make discoveries or understand a problem which increase our knowledge, but pain is always associated with learning process somewhere along the line.

What makes this bearable for me is the knowledge and understanding that nothing lasts forever. Along with the certain knowledge that each obstacle, trap and pitfall has been placed in my path to make me stronger and able to face whatever fate or life has to throw at me.  Trust me when all of us look back over our path none of us are ever satisfied with where we find ourselves.  No one says that it is going to be fun or easy it is however it is necessary.

I know that you all have heard me say that we all have work to do and a purpose that we need to fulfill before our time on this world ends. This is where fate takes a hand in our lives and guides us ever onwards toward our journeys end. Destiny and fate are often confused as being the same thing but they aren't destiny is only one of many possible outcomes based directly on the decision we make. Whereas fate is the force that pushes her forward and helps us deal with the of  consequences our decisions.

I believe that destinies can be altered and even change by te works and decisions we make. Fate is a constant guiding force that helps us to not dwell for too long on our issues and takes us to the exact place we need to be at just the appropriate time.   We live in the physical world and therefore are subject to the natural laws.  I am going to talk further about the laws and worlds that impact us and how we can use them to go further and learn more about what surrounds us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not everything is as it seems

Words can have multiple meanings, teachings can have multiple interpretations,  problems can have multiple solutions, you can't judge someone by their looks alone. We can become so enamored by someone's outward appearance that we totally miss what is just below the surface.  As a race we tend to judge one another by the morals and standards we have developed for ourselves and what we perceive to be the teaching of our church or our parents. But you have to keep in mind there can be more than one interpretation on how to do things or live right.

Many times when two people come together they have to reconcile their beliefs with one another. Take a look the picture from a different point of view, even if two people, such as twins were born, their experiences would be totally different. No two individuals will experience situations in exactly the same way, even though they are raised the same each person takes away something different from each encounter they have. Even if they meet the same people, eat the same foods and are brought up the same exact way. Each person copes differently, has different coping mechanisms and their view point becomes skewed by these things.  Remember, each of us creates filters from which we view life through, filters are the way in which we look at life with.  You can think of filters like contact lenses or glasses that you look out upon the world through.  Each and everyone of us experience things differently therefore the way we view and do things are going to be different. Keep in mind that even shared experiences are going to be viewed and reacted too differently by the individuals that share them even if they were raised exactly the same way.

I talked about little about this in another blog entry when I spoke about how two people in a relationship can have totally different views on how something they experienced together can be so radically different. This is one reason that when police interview witnesses of a crime can have varying stories about what occurred during an investigation.  They have to look for commonalities in the individual stories to come up with a whole picture that can explain an event or incident. Now, if you think about it and apply this logic to a relationship it might actually help you to tolerate your partner doing something a different way than you would actually do it. Remember that there are many ways a task can be accomplished and that not everyone is going to do it the way you would.  You have to be flexible and accept how other people do things, because there is no single right way or wrong way to do things.

Another example that I can give you is this, the face you see in public is probably not the same face you see in private.  I know a couple extremely well and if you were to see them out at a restaurant or walking down the street you might well think that they are the perfect couple, you see them together and they seem so happy and content with each other. You really are convinced that they were meant to be together.  Which in my friends case they are meant to be together and compliment each other well. However, again things are not always as they seem.  This couple has it's share of fights and arguements and not as happy as the outward face they display when they go out into public.  Another way to look at this is that all outward appearances are masks that we wear out into public, and while that is on you cannot see the truth that lies just beneath the surface.  Another example I can give you is when people look at me they think that they are looking at a person that isn't handicapped but they would be wrong, you cannot draw conclusions or assumptions just by looking at things.  Remember that what you see is not always what you are getting.

Just because something looks normal and acts like nothing is wrong, you have no idea what another person is going through.  Humans are good at hiding their problems, emotions and feelings and hide them away.  They truly don't want other people to know that they are gong through something or are in pain, but again not all things are as they seem.  There are always things that you cannot see that lie just below the surface.  Just like an ice berg the tip is all that is seen, it is what is hidden underneath that can cause the most damage.  When you get to know another person you can sometimes see behind the mask that they are hiding behind.  If you get to konw me well you will begin to realize that I wake up in pain every morning. Some days are worse than others, but no one outside of my house would ever know what I am feeling or going through because of the happy up beat face that I put on when i leave my house.  For that matter no one has a clue that I have a colostomy bag, because you cannot see it at all while I am dressed.

The whole point that I am trying to express to you is that you cannot look at someone or something and know what is really going on with them.  You can also never know what a person is really thinking and feeling.  The only one that truly knows what they are going through and feeling is the person that is going through it.  What is on the outside doesn' t necessarily let you know what is going on in the inside.  People are going through as much drama and turmoil just like you are.  Keep that in mind as you meet and hangout with people.  Remember that there is more than one way to accomplish a task, there is no right or wrong way to do something. Be open minded and sensitive toward others so that you can get to know them and see what is under their mask.  Know this no matter what you are going through in your life there is someone out there that is going through something just as bad as you are or worse.  Life is a learning and growing experience. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement and growth.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Sleepless night

I am attempting to write this with my cell phone so please bear(IDK) with me.  A lot has been going on in my life and some major changes are in the works.  Back in February I did some foolish things and ended up getting really sick for a little while. Luckily I had met someone who would turn out to be not only a good friend, but a person I can depend on and learn from.

Please understand and for those of you who have been reading my blog faithfully will know this already about me.  I have a great deal of book smarts, but in the world that only gets you so far.  For 40 plus years I have been ruled by my heart and my emotions.  I tried to please everyone, and I wanted to save every soul that was in need.  For the most part I was able to live that way because I had partners that  either didn't understand or really didn't care.

Over the years I was able to help a lot of people. Some of which are greatful and are successful today because of the help that I gave them others took what they could and went back to their old ways.  Of course, I am saddened by their decision, but in the end it was what they decided to make of it.  Now, there was a certain set of criterea that I followed, I wanted to the help those that were doing something to help themselves, most of the time they either had to have a job or were in school.  We would set milestones and goals that were realistic and attainable.  It worked out for the most part, yet I was pulled in many different directions and it seemed like I was always stepping out on a limb for someone.  I took time to help everyone else, but I never stopped to take care of myself.  I have been characterized by my grandmother and Angel on Earth and for quite a few people I have been.  To others I was just a means to an end, someone that was foolish enough to believe what they were selling and pretty much getting taken advantage of.

Do you know why I started this blog and what it's purpose was suppose to be? I started this blog in 2012 when I was really sick and had to have multiple bowel surgeries and then I broke my leg and I was laid up in bed for nearly 8 full months.  So as a way of trying to continue to help people I put my life out there for the world to see, all the good the bad, the ugly and the unvarnished truth.  Some people hated how much of my life I shared with you, others took solace knowing that there was someone out there that was going through or had gone through something similiar to their own situation.  So for several years now I have been chronicallying my life, but I have been giving real examples of how to overcome adversity, deal with health issues, disabilities, limitations, and most of all how to change your perspective and look at a situation objectively from all different angles.

I am proud that I have been able to help and reach so many people with my blog, and that my life and crisises that I have been through and endured have been an inspiration to many and have seen some of you through some really dark times.  I thank you for all the emails and letters that I have recieved and the encouragement that some of you have given me.  You cannot understand the overwhelming feeling I get when someone writes too me and tells me how my entry that day seemed to be speaking right too them and that it was written just so they could understand it perfectly.  But here is the secret I write to purge my soul of a thought or situation that has been bothering me, but it is God that is speaking through my word or better yet those are the words that God allowed my hands to write and maybe it was written just for you or maybe it was written  because that message needed to go out.  Whatever the reason I write what I feel and about what is on my mind or what I am going through.

Here we are again, rambling along and you are probably wondering what I was trying to say.  So, I guess I better get back on track and try to tie these threads of thought together so that you see clearly the picture I was trying to get too from the beginning.  Let me jump in right here, I was talking about book smarts, and was heading towards the fact that I have just a little street smarts, but common sense I either lack totally or I have become so used to letting my feelings and heart over rule it that it doesn't exist and I get myself into situation after situation, problem after problem, and I am still running trying to save everyone and guess what I have once again forgotten about myself, my needs, my wants and my desires.  But, as I have been telling you 2015 is a year of change and change has come to me and it started in February like I told you at the begining, it is all because of one person.  He is very shy and doesn't like to be mentioned or talked about, and absolutely hates talking about his feelings.  What I can say is this, he has taken some sort of interest in me and saw how quite a few people were taking advantage of me.  They were abusing me with their words and deeds and I was just oblivious too it.  Now here is the part that blows my mind he is half my age and then some, and here I am learning from him.

Now up until this point it has always been very difficult for me to say "NO" and when I have been backed into a corner and pressured I would cave in.  Well, I have finally 2 people in my life who constantly remind me that it is okay to say NO and mean it.  It is okay to want and do stuff for myself and that I owe no one and explanation for my decision.  All that needs to be expressed is the decision and that is all.  Boy it is hard for me, and a HUGE, GREAT, TITANIC change in my lifestyle that it is taking everyone by surprise, and yet those that matter like family and true friends are finally saying it is about damn time.

So bringing all the threads of this conversation together the purpose of this blog was to reach out and help people just like myself that were going through things and giving them real world answers and solutions.  I have used my life and my story as examples.  This is how I am going to save people now, this is how i am going to help others.  Why am I telling you all of this? Well some of you are used to asking directly for help or money, or it could be a ride that you need or a slew of other things.  But change is upon us! I know I have said it before, however this time you better believe I am sincere and this is taking place for real "Captain Save a Ho " is dead.  I cannot come to your rescue because you made a bad choice, I am not going to reach out and save you everytime you screw up and make everything alright.  I have done all of that for years and all it did was enable you to continue doing the things you are doing and putting myself into a routine and pattern that was just taken granted of.

If you need something or want me to do something for you, you need to come out and ask me.  Stop assuming that I am just going to be there or that I am going to.  I don't like feeling like I am expected to do something for you, because the truth is I am just doing you a favor, and you better understand that and respect it.  No more demands, I am taking my time, engergy and most of the time gas to help you out.  Understand that and be gracious.

Always remember this "LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART"

I have a set of criteria that I am measuring all my friends too and if they don't measure up I am cutting them loose, becasue they are just holding me back.  See if you think my criteria is on point :   A true friend is someone that puts your best interest up front, who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not.  Is a person that will defend you and stand up for your when you are not around.  Is a person that has your back even when you mess things up royally. Who nurses you when you are sick. Helps you put the peices of your life back together when you are devestated.  They lift you up when you are down. They will listen and offer their advice and their opinion.  Learn to consider both.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Act your age not your shoe size

It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed.  I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others.  The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place.  I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster.  Unfortunately I was right.  While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it.  Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a  blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items.  While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight.  I have a one bedroom one bath apartment.  So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with.   Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay.  He sent me the question in a text message.

Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon.  I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him.  I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks.  If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title.  I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.

What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out.  It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl.  I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something.  Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now.  Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately.  I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.

Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense.  Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves.  Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older.  I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend that got a  girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it.  He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.

We all can act childish and foolish from time to time,  but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do.  These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.

Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away.  Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.

I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react.  I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old.  The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes.  It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date.  which I think is the key to this whole entry.  Maturity level is what this entry is all about.  See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.

I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are.  But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are.  You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them.  Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new.  You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on.  This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.

It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is.  See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.  But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are.  As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level.  Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete.  Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.

I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them.  Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly.  Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time.  You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break.  I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship.  i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star.  You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.

Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit,  or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with.  Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know.  It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.

Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere.  Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does.  So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level.  Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.

One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance.  You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A new Dawn

Last night I swear I was visited by my friend Mary, she kept me up most of the night but helped me work through some very tough and touchy issues that have been brought up in my life.  I keep coming back to her this morning as I sit here listening to Gospel music and thinking about my night.  I am reminded that I am not my illness, I am not my sexual preference, I am human, and I have a face and a name.  I want to remind each of us that we are all important, we each have a voice and a story to tell.  I encourage you to tell your story to anyone who will listen to you.  Because, you never know what the person next to you is going through.   The pain that you have felt  will be conveyed in your story through the power of your voice, and you don't know how much that pain you have experienced will help the next person.  I have told you so many times before that you never know where a casual conversation is going to take you.

I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past.  See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on.  I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay.  Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.

Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not.  It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you.  But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels.  You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner.  Take back that power that has  been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.

Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror.  It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey.  They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in.  Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey.  You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.

I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you.  If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have.  From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door.  For you are loved, blessed and favored!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?

Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life?  How many of you are looking for love?  How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is?  Just last week I told you what I was looking for.  Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place.  I couldn't find it, and neither will you.  Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places.  The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground.  Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.

Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be.  I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations.  I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants.  I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most.  You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within.  Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.

What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before.  I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown.  I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before.  I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.

I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on  a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them.  By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times.  Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you.  I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away.  I have found that life is something that is worth living.  I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me.  But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on.  But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.

Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again.  None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming.  No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening.  It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen.  As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you.  However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow.  I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.

The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again.  Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone.  I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again,  I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die.  It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.

So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places.  It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair.  They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives.  But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it.  We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered.  So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail.  But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me.  However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me.  I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.

But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire.  Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own.  He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time.  Just you wait and see.  I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel.  If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Alright God I am listening!

You have got my undivided attention.  Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through?  I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me.  It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding.  Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing.  To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.

Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey.  Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.

Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all.  January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer.  I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through.  What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.

Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all.  I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car.  But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it.  So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day.  This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies.  I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.

What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned.  I waited and waited to hear from him.  I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded.  So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car.  I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff.  I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness.  I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them.  Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement.  This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.

I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested.  I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days.  Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there.  At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process.  All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.

Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's.  They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home.  The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion.  My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.

But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona.  He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while.  i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time.  I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died.  I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through.  I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail.  He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.

Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart.  Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone.  I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable.  I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up.  That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.

I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them  wrapped up before the holidays.  I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills.  But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and  rumours.  I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment.  That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went.  On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting.  It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.

Let me digress for a minute or two here.  I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things.  Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by.  Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom.  I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain.  Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer.  Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved.  Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.

So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist.  He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach.  He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks.  I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months.  Which brings me to the current.

I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay.  Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there.  I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon.  I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back.  But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.

I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went.  I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!

So there you have it.  Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life.  I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?

I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be.  But I am struggling and grasping at things here.  Please Lord talk to me.  Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension.  I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart.  A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.

AMEN