Disappointments

Disappointments should be nothing new to me.  I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now.  Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time.  I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip.  Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options.  I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon.  Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside,  I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction.  I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend.  A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent.  This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.

I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good.  If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation.  But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to.  I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.

I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities.  I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for.  I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long.  I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place.  I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car.  In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.

I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to.  I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place.  It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again.  After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of.  I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough.  I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.

It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face.  I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison.  I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before.  I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more.  I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own.  But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with.  Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.

Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery.  Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means.  Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore.  I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her.  This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in.  The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table.  That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward.  It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again.  A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.

Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me.  I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me.  Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now.  So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.

I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues.  So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.

Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run.  The waiting game is the hardest part right now.  But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time.  The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon.  I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.

What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life.  It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues.  It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow.  We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them.  Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts.  Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.

No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go.  No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain.  Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such.  You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in.  Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday.  I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year.  I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.

Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through.  In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices.  Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles.  Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself.  You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life.  Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.

One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery.  Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again.  It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up.  There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can. 

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Effecting Change

Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone.  Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums.  I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post.  I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times.  Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.

2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do.  Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her.  But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce.  Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use.  Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him.  But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery.  But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different.  Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.

I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times.  I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape.  Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in.  But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house.  Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.

This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted.  But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it.  I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit.  I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in.  I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment.  How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.

I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon.  I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives.  Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest.  I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle.  You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games.  Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost.  But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you.  They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.

Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly.  Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle.  I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done.  I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time.  My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt.  It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up.  I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes.  If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.

I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip.  First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head.  Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind.  I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it.  I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing.  He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.

They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed.  I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to.  I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did.  Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body.  The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me.  I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.

You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you.  It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality.  Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life.  You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed.  Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow.  Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.

Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you.  Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain.  You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B

Memories

As we look back across our lives it is amazing at the things that spring to mind. A simple song can evoke the sweetest memories, that can bring a brilliant smile to your face. Passing a  familiar spot can herald a bright spot in an otherwise dreary day. But memories are funny things,  they often become colored by time. Even the worst experiences don't look so bad after time has passed by.

Most of my friends seem to pass through life, never taking stock of the people, places and things that they encounter.  One friend said today that he keeps moving forward never looking back at anything. He feels that he can't keep up his forward momentum if he is constantly looking backwards.  While he has a valid point. I tend to think a little differently on a minor particulars.

Like most people when his relationships end, he keeps it moving. In almost every instance I can think of if a relationship ends there were issues that were the caused it to end. Those same issues are more than likely still be there if the person comes back into your life.  But,  that doesn't mean that you have to write that person out of your life totally.

True good friends are few and far between.  Each one of us don't have so many friends that we can afford to write any of them off. I have remained friends with the majority of my ex's, because the shared history that we have are what have bound us together and is the basis of our friendship.  There have been 1 or 2 instances where I have tried to rekindle a past relationship. But like I said earlier, there were issues that we felt so strong about that caused us to go our separate ways, and they always seem to crop back up.

Relationships that are founded on mutual respect and trust have a foundation that's worth investing time in and are the easiest to convert to a lasting friendship. It is important to keep in mind that every person that has come into your life was brought there for a specific reason. We grow and learn from each other, we have a need that the other filled in some fundamental way.

You may be wondering why in an entry about memories would I digress to talk about friendships and relationships?  The truth of the matter is that each and every person who enters your life touches you in a fundamental way, memories of these people, places and events are indelibly written in your subconscious which at some point become memories.

Memories are precious things and they evoke an emotional response when they pop in our minds.  Like I said at the beginning of the post time can make even the most terrible experience seem not so terrible when you look back.  Be careful because if you compare new experiences to a remembered experience you might think that the past was better and be unhappy.  Which just might make you think that nothing will ever be able to compete with your past and you might miss out on something truly remarkable.

People all around you see what you are going through and how you deal with life's situations and problems.  You might be surprised at how your actions and reactions to certain situations inspires and gives another a sense of hope and peace.  Beacause no matter what you are actually going through there are others out there going through something similar or maybe even worse and they see how you are handling it and it gives them that extra push to help them make it through.  Remember always that a casual conversation can take you somewhere that you never thought you would ever go.  Random encounters can inspire and give hope to others and who knows might bring someone into your life at the right moment to help you through as well.

Memories are not perfect and they are a snapshot of time from our own unique perspective.  Plus, keep in mind that someone else's memory of an event might not even be close to what you remember because each of us filter things differently and are truly seen from our own perspective.

Remember the good times, the in between times and the bad times, in the end as you look back over time you will be amazed at the things you have come through, survived and have learned.  These are pieces of shared history between you and whoever you were with and they can never be taken away from you.  If you are embarking on a new relationship try your best not to compare it to your past relationships, because one of you is always going to feel that they can't compete with the past because to them your rememberance focuses mainly on the good and positive times.

Everyone deserves their own chance, remember your past fondly, be proud of what you have accomplished and have learned, know that you have survived and been strengthened by each and every event.  Hold on to your memories share them when appropriate and find your true happiness within your heart and mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

True Prosperity

Many of us do not understand what prosperity means. To most they believe that prosperity is an abundance of riches, and is measured by monetary figures. So many struggle trying to get prosperous,  but never seem to ever get close. Lack of financial means is the major cause of unrest and stress in our daily living. This feeling that there is never enough to cover all of our expenses seems to drive everyone crazy.

The truth of the matter is that prosperity is a state of mind and a place of understanding.  True prosperity literally has very little to do with monetary things, and doesn't really have a quantitative unit of measure.  If you think back to some of my other writings you will start to get a better understanding of what I am trying to tell you.   Anyone can achieve the state of prosperity,  because it comes from a place of knowledge and understanding.  Much like happiness,  prosperity cannot be found. Because it really does not exist outside of our minds.

Prosperity and happiness are two things that can only be found from within ourselves.  So what do you think prosperity is? What is the definition of being prosperous? What is it that you can do to attain it?

Here is what I have discovered about prosperity and being prosperous. Prosperity is a state of being. A mindset that goes hand in hand with happiness and contentment.  This understanding is something that you continually have to work on.  Because it isn't a static state, it evolves and changes as you mature and grow.  Prosperity is the state of being one and consciously accepting your place in life with happiness and contentment  with what you have and where you are at in every state of your life.

There is nothing wrong with setting goals and striving to do better for ourselves. The problems start with the amount of pressure and anxiety we put on ourselves while trying to reach for our dreams and goals. We are our own worst critics. We seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard then we hold others too.  Disappointment often creeps in and we become depressed and discouraged. But let me remind you, you are not alone in your struggles. Everyone in the world goes through the same exact things. In this one case we are not so different from every other person in.  How you handle and deal with these things are what makes you different.

I know that I have often told you that life is a journey with many pitstops and rest areas along the way.  But, I learned that sometimes the road itself is the true destination.  See we are the sum total of all our experiences and it is on the path that we learn from our mistakes, rebound from pain and gain the knowledge and wisdom that helps us grow.  Life is not a stagnant thing it is constantly moving forward, evolving, changing and becoming something new.  Each experience gives us the knowledge and strength to change as we move forward in time.

So what are you supposed to understand about life and the long journey that you are on?  Well it is that as long as you make yourself happy, contentment and joy will follow.  You can be prosperous, happy, content live in the moment, don't stress your needs are always going to be fulfilled.  It is true that you are going to have to work on achieving the wants and the extra things in life, but that is what makes them so valuable to us, that is why we cherish them more.

Remember that happiness and prosperity are a state of being and a state of mind.  Take some time, think about the issues at hand and once you do I think you will see that they are not really mountains at all, just another lesson or stregthening tool that will help you get to the next place on your path.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The big C not totally unexpected but still?

I was talking to my father yesterday afterr meeting with my urologist.  I told him that I thought it would get easier thelonger I dealt with cancer.  But the truth of the matter the disease scares the hell out of me.  I have seen what it has done to other people, and I certainly have had my share of experiences with this disease.  Yet, each time I am told by a doctor that I have cancer that  same old feeling descends on me and I feel helpless and afraid, just like the first time I ever heard the name mutttered in my direction.

Now, if you are a faithful reader you know that this is definitely not my first time at this rodeo, as a matter of fact this is my 4th reoccurence of cancer in one form or another since 2005.  So when I entered the doctors office the verdict was not totally unexpected.  When you have lived as long as I have and have continued to battle the same disease over and over again, you sort of become an expert in strategy and tactics that the doctors have in their arsenal. Not to mention you become highly tuned to the inner workings of your body that nothing  creeps past you and jumps out from the shadows. 

Luckily when I was 23 and was diagnosed with cancer the first time, the chemo and radiation were highly effective and I was able to enjoy 11 great years totally cancer free.  I would say that this was the time that my life and career actually excelled and I accomplished meaningful tasks and learn so much.  It was during that 10 year break that I learned everything I could learn about the disease that I had, and how my body felt throughout the different stagesof treatment and trained myself to look for recurring symptoms that might indicate the a major change was happening within my body.

But, no matter how much you know and how well you think you are prepared you never like to hear the words cancer when referring to yourself.  True there are all sorts of new treatment options and a great many people survive and eventually become cured.  In my case I have been attacked on 3 occasions with 3 different types of cancer.  The first one is Large Cell Lymphoma,  this is a non-hodgekins lymphoma and it primarily attacks the lymphatic system and is very fast growing.  The next was colorectal cancer and that in comparison with Large cell is a much slower growing and moving type of cancer and in most cases surgery seems to be the best offer.  If you  have a localized spot where the tumor has grown and is contained within an organ or a cavity, these types can be easily removed with little because they have not begun to spread. 

I have learned that chemo is so harsh on the body andit is actually industrial stregnth poison that is injected to your blood in the hopes that it will kill the abnormal cancer cells before it kills your healthy good cells.  Which in and of itself seems like a risk that has the potential for great success or for great failure depending on your body and the resiliency of the cancer which they are trying to fight.  Repeated treatments of chemo add the potential for large amounts of scar tissue to be formed where damaged cells have tried to protect themselve and recover from this harsh toxic agent.  This can lead to complications down the road, because as scar tissue is formed abnormal cells can also form right along with it.  These abnormal cells when they grow together are called a tumor and are the basis for cancer.  Thus begins a vicious cycle.

Cancer can come back multiple times and can form due to many different reasons, some genetics, others damage to organs and tissue.  Whereas, certain medications can cause certain problems to creep up and from there the cells can easily be mutated and viola, cancer is once again a major player on the field waging war with you entire being.  In my case the HIV drug called Atripla is largely responsible for the damage to my kidney.  The component of the drug cause some trauma to my kidney and impaired it's functioning.  This impairment became great enough at one point that kidney stones formed, and because of their size had to be surgically removed.  What I didn't realize then was that the complications that came up when I was dealing with the kidney stones was going to greatly impact my life in any meaningful fashion until yesterday. 

When my right kidney was filled with stones, my kidney would back up and the bladder would not be able to totally empty itself completely.  Because of this a urinary tract infection soon ensued and the urologist of the time decided that he was going to put a stint into that kidney and by pass the uritors and connect the kidney directly to the bladder and aleviate some of the pain and discomfort I  was having from these infections.  This took place in 2011, and here we are 6 years later and the significance of that action finally hit home with me yesterday afternoon once I got home from the doctor and was able to sit down and think about what I had heard and battled 3 other times in my life.  It is my opinion, which I must say is pretty well supported by the ultrasound and image studies that were done on the tumor before the biopsy was completed.  Looking at the pictures it is fairly easy to tell that the tumor has formed in the most likely spot that a stint would have resided years ago that connected the bladder and the kdiney toget.  

See when the doctor pulled out that stint so long ago,, scar tissue was able to grow over the areas that were actually damaged by the insertion of the stint.  The scar tissue was dense enough that the tumor was able to grow for a period of time hidded deep within.  The scar tissue not only gave the tumor a very good hiding place it also was able to mask the symptoms so I wasn't actually aware taht I was feeling off and that I had another outbreak of cancer.  This being said I want you to know that once again my trip down this new adventure has started out just like all of the other pervious bouts with cancer.

All I can tell you that finding out that the cancer is back and that it is in another location and that you have a chance that this tumor has spread to areas where you can't find it and that is when things really start getting really scary and real period!  I really wasn't surprised that the tumor that they found on my right kidney turned out to be cancerous.  What was surprising was that this was a totally new form of cancer, one that I have had  absolutely no experience dealing with previously.   The up side of this type of cancer is that it currently is localized to the right kidney wall and though it has tendrils that could eventually mean growth and spreading I was assured by the doctor that this was a very slow growing form of cancer and that I should respond to the treatment plan that he put in place to highly favorablely. 

However, with all of that out on the table in front of you to view I should go on to tell you about the entire conversation that I had with my doctor yesterday and sort of point out where the creeping little doubt and fear is coming from with this new found information.  See even though this tumor was caught fairly early in the stages and it is slow growing I have to add in the factor that I have had a very complicated medical history with numerous issues and complications creeping up in all of my previous encounters with this dreaded disease.  So, with all of the previous issues and complication this tumor could actually become more serious than orginally thought, especially if it truly has started to grow and spread.  Because the migration path is not a very clean path and could eally if this isn't handled in the best possible manner could easily spread to my spine and from there pelvis, chest and eventually could even reach my brain.  Once it reaches the spine it is only a matter of time before it goes from casual to tragic.  See I already have spinal issues and compromised bone marrow, and these factors alone make for a deadly outcome. 

A vicious cycle seems to ensue and before I know it the cancer could be everywhere in my body.  Plus the fact that this tumor has grown significantly it's symptoms and pain might actually mask the growth of cancer in other parts of my body and thus lead to a much larger problem than originally indicated.  So I have decided to take the most proactive steps that I can aggressively persue and have selected having a different type of procedure performed that might be able to totally eradicate the diease way before any more significant damage can happen to my body.  I have agreed to let them go in through my back and freezd the tumor which will immediately necratized the bad cells while allowing the good cells to remain unharmed.  I am looking at having to have this surgery performed rather quickly to head off the cancer and be totally healed.

It is just funny that no matter how many times I have been told that I have cancer,  that same ole fear and trepidation seem to sneak in and cuase mental anguish.  Nothing prepares you to hear those words or how to react once you have heard them. But like I told a woman that I met at Family Dollar the other night:  "God doesn't give us more than we can bare, for longer than we can stand!"  Which serves to remind me that this too is just a fleeting problem, and will not last very long in deed and will therefore make me a much stronger person in the long run

As always my hopes and dreams ware with you ,

Uncle B

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Too many times we end up letting our fear or anxiety hold us frozen in place. It can prevent us from moving forward and accomplishing the simplest of tasks. One thing that I have learned in the time that I have been walking on the Earth is this: "you cannot move forward or to anything if you don't put forth an effort and try." Life can be difficult and he road that we journey is going to be fraught with trials, hardships, obstacles and pitfalls, do not be discouraged by these things, they will serve to make you stronger.

Dwelling on the things around you can distract you and if you think too hard or too long on the obstacles that present themselves to you can cause indecision and depression. Fear and depression are two of the biggest factor that can lead you to be afraid. Fear can do several things it can either motivate you toward change or it can held you back from trying.  Time in these instances will quickly seem to be against you and your enemy. But, it may be the one thing that keeps you moving forward. One people leap before they look or act before they truly understand the consequences that an action might have.

Yes, time can also be a motivating factor, but if take in the right perspective it is just that a factor.  I have been through so much in my journey that I have come to the realization that all the facts new to be known and analyzed before you make a hasty decision. I know you have heard me tell you that it is the journey that you take that molds you and builds you up, not the stops you take along the way.

What do you think I mean by this?  The pitfalls, obstacles, and disasters that hit us are what makes us stronger and molds us into an example that might inspire hope in others.  The times you stop and look back on your life are just way stations and don't reflect the journey that you have traveled.  How many times have you looked back over your life and been disappointed by the progress you have made or the place you currently find yourself in.

Time continues to pass and with it new revelations are revealed and new strengths are displayed.

If you never try you can never achieve the desired of your heart.

Keep this in mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can and You will succeed

Let me tell you a little story about my mom.  Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home.  She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home.  The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing.  That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair.  But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite.  Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.

Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife,  but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare.  My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you.  It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine.  I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.

Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column.  Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system.  After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut.  She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever.  I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center.  Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane.  My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.

 Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you.  But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us.  if there is a Will there is a Way!

If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it.  The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything.  Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright.  I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes.  My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see".  You know she was right!

Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see.  I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better.  As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook.  But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.

I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction.  This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me.  I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes.  As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it.  Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.

This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check.  But, as I have always told you.  You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you.  By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed.  I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying.  Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me.  From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.

You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass.  Trust me it will.  Nothing last forever!

The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.

If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that.  that is all I want for each and everyone of you.  To set your mind to a task and own it.  Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.

I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did.  It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.

Take each day one at a time.  Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

Alright God I am listening!

You have got my undivided attention.  Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through?  I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me.  It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding.  Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing.  To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.

Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey.  Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.

Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all.  January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer.  I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through.  What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.

Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all.  I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car.  But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it.  So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day.  This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies.  I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.

What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned.  I waited and waited to hear from him.  I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded.  So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car.  I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff.  I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness.  I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them.  Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement.  This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.

I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested.  I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days.  Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there.  At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process.  All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.

Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's.  They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home.  The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion.  My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.

But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona.  He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while.  i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time.  I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died.  I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through.  I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail.  He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.

Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart.  Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone.  I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable.  I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up.  That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.

I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them  wrapped up before the holidays.  I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills.  But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and  rumours.  I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment.  That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went.  On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting.  It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.

Let me digress for a minute or two here.  I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things.  Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by.  Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom.  I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain.  Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer.  Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved.  Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.

So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist.  He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach.  He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks.  I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months.  Which brings me to the current.

I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay.  Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there.  I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon.  I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back.  But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.

I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went.  I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!

So there you have it.  Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life.  I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?

I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be.  But I am struggling and grasping at things here.  Please Lord talk to me.  Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension.  I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart.  A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.

AMEN

How Does Love Grow and Flow? (A Poem)

It starts out as a feeling.
Which in turn turns into a hope.
Which in turn turns into a quiet thought.
Which in turns turns into a quiet word.
That word grows louder and louder.
Until it becomes a song in my heart.
Keep in mind that Just because everything is changing.
It doesn't mean that I have felt this way before.
True love has bitten me.
That's it and nothing more.
There will never be a need to Say Good-Bye.
You were my friend before, and now you have become so much more.
Your face, your touch, your voice are deep inside of me.
Every moment that we shared has shaped me and made me whole.
Etched in Stone upon my heart these memories are meant for you and me alone.
Every song I hear brings me back to you my dear.
And stirs up those memories I keep in here!
I am who I am and nothing more.
It's your faith, trust and hope that made me yours!
Because of you I became something so much more.
You inspired me and made my spirit soar!
Through my sorrow and my pain.
You stood beside me all the same.
Even when there was nothing to gain.
You never have to worry again.
I have tasted true love!
And I'll never say Good-Bye!

You know secrets come with a price, they aren't free not now not ever!

You know we have been talking a lot about life and relationships, but have you ever thought what the cost of a secret does to the relationship?  See it is true that secrets and lies are not free, they come with a cost, not only to you, but to the ones you love and the ones you are trying to protect.  With lies and secrets comes a certain air of mistrust and that puts a strain on the relationship.  You can't expect someone to trust you if there is something in the way of that trust and that is what secrets are. When you are secretive you start acting a certain way and others can tell that you are hiding something.  They begin to wonder what it is that you don't want them too know.  From there leads to speculation and ultimately they begin to doubt everything you are saying to them.  Curiosity is a trait that is not only confined to cats you know, human curiosity is something that never ceases.  Why do you think mystery novels are so popular.  Everyone loves a good mystery and they try to figure it out way before they ever know the whole plot.

Try to keep in mind that secrets have a toll on you too, they add stress and worry to your life, and once you start keeping them either by hiding them with lies or by silence, it starts to truly add weight on your shoulders. Once you start telling lies you have to keep telling them in order to keep them hidden.  It becomes a never ending task and sooner or later someone is going to catch you at it.  When they do there goes the trust that you have built up with them.  Life is too short to have secrets and lies in your life.  Especially if you are in a relationship.  How can a person really know you if you are keeping things back from them.  As I have always told you communication is the key and honesty is what is important.  Being honest not only to your loved ones and family, but you always need to be totally honest with yourself.  I know sometimes it seems easier to rationalize and lie to yourself, but at the end of the day you know what really happened and no matter how many lies you tell yourself it is not going to change the situation.

That is another thing about hiding the truth and lies, it ties you to them. How can you move forward if you are carrying around baggage of the past?  Lies and secrets keep you firmly rooted to a story that just isn't true and you continually are brought back to it.  You have to keep covering it up, and like I said lies upon lies is like building a house of cards, sooner or later one wrong move is going to bring the whole thing crashing down on you. Again, for your own peace of mind and that of the ones you care about you need to put everything out in the open. If you do that you will find that there is less stress in your life, and that if you stick together you can overcome any obstacle.  Like they say 2 heads are better than one. Don't isolate yourself and keep yourself from truly experiencing love with another person because of lies.  Secrets and lies are the same thing, believe me I know all about them.  I used to do Meth, and that is a drug that manipulates the brain.  Some people think more clearly on it and the lies they tell just to get the next hit or fix can leave your head spinning.  The trouble is most people can see through those lies and see you for what you are and what you are doing, but your head is so filled with the drug you never even realize.

Don't take the risk of being alienated by your friends and family because you are trying to hide something.  For years I didn't speak to my parents, because I was doing drugs, and was partying all the time, but also because I didn't want them to know what I was into.  They knew because my ex told them.  He told them when he thought I had gotten out of control. I was confronted by my mother, of course I denied it. It was my secret and I didn't want her to know.  Then I got arrested for possession, however, in that case I was telling the truth that it wasn't my stuff, however because my parents knew about the drug use and I had denied it, they didn't believe me. Luckily I got off of the charges, but it isn't something that I am willing to go through again.  Hence the reason why I put everything out on the web. I have nothing to hide anymore. I have come to far and lived through too much to go back and start hiding who I really am now.  See the truth of the matter is when Sterling and I were dating he and I did way more drugs than we should have.  We were doing so much that others couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a proud time of my life let me tell you.  When we both came to realize how much we were really doing and how utter ridiculous we had been, and what risks we had taken, we both cut way back, but hadn't quit entirely.

Then later on it started coming to light to everyone around us about how much we did. It was even thrown in my face a couple of times by a number of people that I had gotten so many people hooked on the stuff.  Do you know how scary it is to find out that you were responsible for hundreds of young men shooting up Meth?  Over and over again I hear how "oh, I know Bryan, he was the one that taught me how to slam"  That is not a fond reputation that I like having.  I was always safe, made sure that people knew what they were doing and how to mix up the stuff.  I also stayed with them and provided them a safe place to do the stuff, but that isn't the point. The point is I may have ruined a great many of lives just by teaching them slamming.  Meth is not a drug to play with lightly, it is not physically addicting like heroin, it alters the brain, and is a mental addiction that is extremely hard to break. You can be away from it for years and still think about the feeling, you still get the longing for it. I don't know how else to explain, but it is true. I don't think you ever truly escape it's grasp.  But as I have told you in the past, you can't escape your past! What was hidden and done in the dark always comes to light!

I cannot change my past, the only thing I can do is try to make the right choices in the future and move forward.  I have to let go of the past no matter how hard that is. One of the reasons why people hold on to the past is because they tend to remember it better than it was, and they view the present harder than it really is.  It is always nicer to compare what is happening in our lives with the past, we have a tendency to make it out that things were better back then, but in actuality they were probably pretty much the same.  The difficulty level only changes when we learn to change the way we look at things.  We have a tendency to make up stories and hide the truth of things when we are not satisfied with what we have or where we are at in life.  What happens then is that the lies spin out of our control and before we know it you are defending something that isn't real.

Life is what we make out of it, as I have told you before. If we constantly embellish, lie or be secretive about ourselves how can we expect anyone to ever get to know the real you?  How can you honestly find someone that can love you?  Do you want to be alone forever?  I know that I don't.  Even now I am hoping against hope that someone will find me and love me for the person I am.  I used to live a life of lies and deceit but now I put everything out in the open for the world to see. I don't have any secrets to hide. I have lost too much in my life because of lying and secrets. I want to be free of that and find love and happiness.  Which if you refer back to my earliest post you know that I know that happiness is found within ones self.  But I also think that you can find happiness in another person. One that makes you better than you are and inspires you to do more than you have before.  That is the type of love I want.

Do yourself a favor, when you meet someone new that you are interested in, be yourself, your true self.  Don't embellish, make up stuff to make yourself look better.  Just be who you are.  Be sincere and genuine.  I honestly think you will be much better off for it.  Secrets and lies cost so much and will damage your relationship way faster than anything else.  Be honest with yourself and the other person.  Earn their trust and respect. Be their friend and confidant and trust me everything else will fall into place.

Try and remember that no secret is ever free, not now not ever!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Is it your Strength of Character that defines you in other people's eyes?

Or is it what they see in you that gives them hope and strength to face the coming days?  I have attached my first podcast to this blog and you can hear my thoughts on this subject.  Hopefully this will be the first of many podcast to come.  Now, with that being said I would ask you to forgive the long pauses, the um's and the definite sound of me smoking a cigarette throughout.  Don't judge me too harshly this is my first attempt and done on one cup of coffee only.  I promise it can only get better from here!

Now today, my topic is strength of character and by that I mean what others around you see and notice about you! Believe it or not! People around me always comment on my strength, endurance and positive attitude.  They give me credit for things like pulling through cancer twice, leukemia, radiation enteritis, hepatitis c, bowel resections, colostomies, ileostomies and the myriad of other things I have gone through.  They tell me how strong and brave I am.  But, you know what are those really my strengths of character?  I don't count them as such, all I really did is survive!  Now, I am not saying that I didn't fight for my life. What I am saying is this, I didn't know anything else to do. I wanted to live so I kept going.  Sure there were times when I thought I couldn't withstand another round of chemotherapy or radiation.  Where I told my mom I was tired and wanted to quit.

But, the secret and the key to all of this is I turned it all over to God and the power of prayer.  You would be surprised at the hundreds and hundreds of people that have lifted me up in prayers including my mother.  Without them and God I wouldn't be here today.  I actually don't count that as strength of character.  I count that as faith.  See the body and the mind are miraculous things, and God created it and knows it's inner working better than anyone and can heal it.  When I talk of strength of character, I want you to think of those attributes of yourself that other people see and measure. Such as your desire to help them.  To love them unconditionally by accepting them for who the are, their behaviors, hang ups, moods, their decisions and actions.  Yes, you maybe disappointed at times by something they have done, but regardless you love them none the less.

Trust me when I tell you we all have a great capacity for love. There is an endless supply and it's yours to give.  When I think of strength of character, I think of integrity, your word, your bond.  When you tell someone that are your friend no matter what and you are true to it, that is a strength of character.  Each of you can confirm that if I have told you that we were friends you can believe you can count on that.  Further, if I have told you that I love you, you can believe that I do.  Understand that I don't use that word freely.  When I love I love hard and it never fades.  I love you through the good times, the bad times and anything in between.  That also goes for my friendships as well. You are always going to be a part of me and my life.  I am a firm believer that we are the culmination of all our decisions, actions, consequences and friendships, each one of these things goes a long way into building our character. Since we are talking about strength of character I would like to think that all the good points of ourselves are absorbed by our friends and loved ones and makes us that much stronger.

For those of you who have known me for years you can attest to the fact that no matter what I have always tried to help when and where I could, always giving of myself.  One of my ex's called it the Stray Syndrome, I always tried to help those on the street by providing them with shelter, safety, food or whatever I could to help them get back on their feet again.  Over the past 21 years or so I have given freely of myself and if you read my entry on the "Defining Moment" you will understand how one error in my judgement changed my whole outlook and helped mold me into the person I have become.  You don't know how many times over that span of time I have heard how I was two-faced, fake, phony and too good to be true.  That no one could be as nice as me.  Only to have those same critics come back and tell me that they were wrong that I am sincere, that I did care, and thank me for taking the time to help them.  This is my strength of character, a testament to being a loving giving friend, who wanted to help never expecting or demanding anything in return.  I am not trying to brag or toot my own horn, there are hundreds of people who can tell you all about this.  Ask Greg, E, Kameron, Joe, Sterling, any one of them can tell you how I sacrificed myself, my relationships, my home, personal needs to help everyone around me.

In all honesty most of my relationships ended because of my need to surround myself with others like myself that just needed a little helping hand. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions I chose to follow my heart. I know I hurt some really good people who loved me and thought I was kidding myself, that I was throwing everything away. But I wasn't, I truly just wanted to help genuinely and sincerely.  I took their love and their strength, these partners of mine, and I sacrificed their love on that alter of giving.  I am sure that they can see now what I was doing now that I have let out the story of why.

Oh there were the dark times of my life, the drug days! where I taught people how to slam for the very first time. But even then I was conscientious of y duty to help and protect them.  My rule was if we do this we do it together. I watched them, helped them through the experience. I was there offering safe harbor and a place to enjoy the experience without pressure or judgement.  I know some of you may judge me harshly because of this.  But you know what that is alright! because you can't judge me any harder than I judge myself.  There is a difference here that I would like to point out, even though my actions may seem destructive and the help that I gave could be seen as irresponsible, trust me looking back I realize this myself, I wouldn't change my experiences one bit, I may have saved a few people their lives by teaching them the right way to do things and the proper dosages.  Another reason why I wouldn't change anything I have done, is because of all the wonderful people I have met, interacted with and have made a connection too.  Throughout everything, I have been through and experienced it is the people, the love, and friendships that been built that I cherish.  It is the dedication and friendship, love, support, the network that has developed that are a testament to my strength of character.

People look at my life as a learning inspiration.  They see that I live by what I preach, because my message is simple, it is love, unity, acceptance, understanding, companionship and true friendship.  These are the values I have and I show in my daily life.  I help others to the exclusion of everything else and I think that is what defines me.  As long as I am helping other people working towards making their life a better place. That is where I want to be. This is my story! What is yours? Tell me what makes you a person that is strong in character? What makes me want to look at your life and choose it as an inspiration to live my life by?  Get back with me and let me know about that!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Warning...this podcast is 12 minutes and 28 seconds in length. I hope you will take the time to listen to it again, it is my first attempt please be easy on all the pauses, um's and other obvious mistakes...I will endeavor to try and make the next one better.

Do you wish you could really be seen?

Have you ever found yourself the object of attention, someone's ideal but they don't see you at all.  All they really see is the outside, they can't seem to get past the face, the eyes, the mouth, the body.  What they like are your looks and honestly don't care about anything else.  They seem to worship your body, dream of conquering you.  Oh, and never forget the entire time they are telling you how much they care and love you.  How they lie and twist your feelings by telling you what they think you want to hear.  They play on your insecurities making you think you can't live without them, using up your emotions and spitting them out.  Never truly getting to know the real you.  You know the one that is inside, yearning to be taken for more than granted.

Now, when you are young you might think that this type of behavior is fun, that you are wanted, loved and even cared for, but what happens when you are all used up and kicked to the side, replaced with someone younger than you, but as cute as you used to be?  Though it maybe cool for a little while to have others stop and stare, but it will get old in the end there is so much more than being shallow.  You must realize that they have no intention of ever getting to know you, they only want your body.  They only see the physical and dismiss the intellectual.  I know how lonely that can be! I know how you long to be seen as a whole mind, body and soul.  I want you to know my friend you may feel alone and lost seeking love.  Have patience and faith your match will come someday at last. Surround yourself with true friends, the ones who look within and see the person and potential you have.

Open your eyes to those around you who really know you, you may just find your love among them.  They have seen you at your worst and at your best and love you none the less.  Dare to be different and look inside of everyone you meet.  See their courage, talent and potential, get past that exterior mask they wear, especially if you want something that lasts.  Tear down the walls and the masks dare to love the one inside, force it into the light so it can't hide.  Honestly no one likes to be looked at as a conquest or piece of meat.

I hope this poem opens up and expresses what I am trying to say.

When people look at me what do they see?
Do they look beyond my face, eyes and smile?
Why do they only see the body dreaming of what might be.

But they don't know me.

They judge my words and deeds,
But never ever take the chance to see.
Fawning and pawing trying to get to me.

But they don't know me.

Fluttering and chivying, vieing for a place
But all they could see is just my body and my face
Lying cheating trying to seduce

But they don't know me.

Words of lies are aimed to disarm, claiming to care
it is just the mask they wear.
They take and take and never give

But they don't know me.

Oh why won't they take the chance to look inside of me
I have a heart of gold and a love so deep.

But they don't know me.

I feel alone in a crowd
wishing you could hear my thoughts out loud.
I am more than I appear
But you have wasted your shot my dear.
You should have gotten to know me!

I am not a saint, but I am kind
I don't cheat or lie.
And do you know why?
Because I am me
a Man of Integrity.

I wrote this for me and a couple of friends who are going through this right now.  I know how it hard it is too find love and acceptance, and to be lusted after with a vengeance.  Take heart, your true love is out there and when you find them you'll never part.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B