Amazing

It is surprising how God works in our daily lives. I was feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair because I have been up here in Jacksonville all by myself.  Since I got here back in December, it has been an endless parade of doctor appointments and tests. This in itself made feel very alone and it hasn't left anytime for me to make any new friendships since I have been up here. But, all of that changed about 2 weeks ago. In just one day I got a direct message from God in a very unique experience in how these 3 people came into my life in the matter of just two days at the beginning of February.

But before these 3 individuals were to come in to my life, I made one new friend on January 18th. She also came into my life in a strange way but was just the person I needed that day and I am very glad that she was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend when my partner didn't get on the bus and never came up from Daytona Beach. She was also the person who took care of me that first afternoon of chemotherapy and helped me as I choked on food and threw up all the way home from Gainesville. She wasn't even supposed to be my driver that day, as a matter of fact she just was in the right place at the right time to take me to my appointment.  Because the original transportation driver decided not to take my trip and tried to cancel my trip. Luckily Tara was in Jacksonville and was available to take me to my appointment, even though we were late getting there. I believe God put me and Tara together that day, not only because I was going to need her, but she needed me as well. I got to share my story with her and I found out that she was going through a difficult time in her life as well. We have kept in touch since our meeting that day and I am very glad that we hit it off so well.

On February 1st I went to have some MRIs done. But much to my disappointment I was unable to get them done that morning, because my kidney levels were not good enough for me to be able to tolerate the contrast that the doctor had ordered. Though, had it not been for my tests being cancelled that I was ready to leave the imaging center early. Which put me in the direct path of a really cool lady whose name is Elaine. She was outside looking for a lighter and we ended up going on a little adventure together while we were both waiting for our transportation to come and pick us up.  Because I had been waiting for my ride to come and get me and they were very late, Humana sent another driver to get me.  As I was being driven home I talked to the driver telling him that the radiologist at the imaging center had told me that I needed to go the hospital that my kidney function indicated that I was experiencing renal failure. I honestly don't remember his name, but the more we talked together it became apparent that there was a reason why I  was in his car that afternoon. His sister-in-law had just been discharged from the hospital under hospice care. Apparently, she had given up all hope and had surrendered to the diagnosis that the doctors had given her that she was going to die.  He told me that he really needed to hear my story and history. That it was exactly what he needed to share with her to give her hope and might actually get her to change her mind and decide to fight for her life. I told him to tell her that God is the ultimate physician and only He could decide when it was her time to leave this world behind.

That very afternoon I had already spoken to Dom, and was telling Travis what the radiologist had said about me going to the hospital. Travis's partner was already in the hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia and a collapsed lung.  His recommendation was to call an ambulance and get to the hospital.  Trying to procrastinate and take my time I called my mother and was talking to her on the phone telling her that I needed to go to the hospital. She encouraged me to go and stop waisting time. However, I knew that I was probably going to get admitted so I packed clothes and colostomy supplies. This kept me busy and prevented me from laying down which apparently was a good thing because the ER doctor told me that had I taken a nap that afternoon I would have died in my sleep because my blood pressure was so low my heart would have just stopped while I was sleeping.

The final person whom I was bound to meet is Richard who was my food service attendant that would take care of all of my food orders while I was in the hospital. He was also one of the only people who I had the ability to talk to multiple times a day and kept my mind off of what was going with me. It also gave me some distance between me and my feelings of being abandoned and having to deal with this crisis on my own.  I will admit that I still was upset and angry that Dom isn't keeping in touch with me like I feel he should.  He still isn't talking to me every day like I think he should since that was his promise to me if I bonded him out of jail. However, I should have known that he never means what he tells me when he is in jail, it never works out.  He begged me to keep him out of trouble, but he left and never came back after he had me buy his return trip ticket. Then to top it all off he never went to court and I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know if the bondsman is going to come after me for the money. I am not even sure if they can, I think that I might have a fight on my hands when it comes down to it.

Can you see how amazing God is? How that He brought just the right people into my life at the right moment?  How great these interactions have been on me and my well being?

I believe that if you look carefully at your life you will find that God is working in your life and performing miracles on your behalf daily.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

The big C not totally unexpected but still?

I was talking to my father yesterday afterr meeting with my urologist.  I told him that I thought it would get easier thelonger I dealt with cancer.  But the truth of the matter the disease scares the hell out of me.  I have seen what it has done to other people, and I certainly have had my share of experiences with this disease.  Yet, each time I am told by a doctor that I have cancer that  same old feeling descends on me and I feel helpless and afraid, just like the first time I ever heard the name mutttered in my direction.

Now, if you are a faithful reader you know that this is definitely not my first time at this rodeo, as a matter of fact this is my 4th reoccurence of cancer in one form or another since 2005.  So when I entered the doctors office the verdict was not totally unexpected.  When you have lived as long as I have and have continued to battle the same disease over and over again, you sort of become an expert in strategy and tactics that the doctors have in their arsenal. Not to mention you become highly tuned to the inner workings of your body that nothing  creeps past you and jumps out from the shadows. 

Luckily when I was 23 and was diagnosed with cancer the first time, the chemo and radiation were highly effective and I was able to enjoy 11 great years totally cancer free.  I would say that this was the time that my life and career actually excelled and I accomplished meaningful tasks and learn so much.  It was during that 10 year break that I learned everything I could learn about the disease that I had, and how my body felt throughout the different stagesof treatment and trained myself to look for recurring symptoms that might indicate the a major change was happening within my body.

But, no matter how much you know and how well you think you are prepared you never like to hear the words cancer when referring to yourself.  True there are all sorts of new treatment options and a great many people survive and eventually become cured.  In my case I have been attacked on 3 occasions with 3 different types of cancer.  The first one is Large Cell Lymphoma,  this is a non-hodgekins lymphoma and it primarily attacks the lymphatic system and is very fast growing.  The next was colorectal cancer and that in comparison with Large cell is a much slower growing and moving type of cancer and in most cases surgery seems to be the best offer.  If you  have a localized spot where the tumor has grown and is contained within an organ or a cavity, these types can be easily removed with little because they have not begun to spread. 

I have learned that chemo is so harsh on the body andit is actually industrial stregnth poison that is injected to your blood in the hopes that it will kill the abnormal cancer cells before it kills your healthy good cells.  Which in and of itself seems like a risk that has the potential for great success or for great failure depending on your body and the resiliency of the cancer which they are trying to fight.  Repeated treatments of chemo add the potential for large amounts of scar tissue to be formed where damaged cells have tried to protect themselve and recover from this harsh toxic agent.  This can lead to complications down the road, because as scar tissue is formed abnormal cells can also form right along with it.  These abnormal cells when they grow together are called a tumor and are the basis for cancer.  Thus begins a vicious cycle.

Cancer can come back multiple times and can form due to many different reasons, some genetics, others damage to organs and tissue.  Whereas, certain medications can cause certain problems to creep up and from there the cells can easily be mutated and viola, cancer is once again a major player on the field waging war with you entire being.  In my case the HIV drug called Atripla is largely responsible for the damage to my kidney.  The component of the drug cause some trauma to my kidney and impaired it's functioning.  This impairment became great enough at one point that kidney stones formed, and because of their size had to be surgically removed.  What I didn't realize then was that the complications that came up when I was dealing with the kidney stones was going to greatly impact my life in any meaningful fashion until yesterday. 

When my right kidney was filled with stones, my kidney would back up and the bladder would not be able to totally empty itself completely.  Because of this a urinary tract infection soon ensued and the urologist of the time decided that he was going to put a stint into that kidney and by pass the uritors and connect the kidney directly to the bladder and aleviate some of the pain and discomfort I  was having from these infections.  This took place in 2011, and here we are 6 years later and the significance of that action finally hit home with me yesterday afternoon once I got home from the doctor and was able to sit down and think about what I had heard and battled 3 other times in my life.  It is my opinion, which I must say is pretty well supported by the ultrasound and image studies that were done on the tumor before the biopsy was completed.  Looking at the pictures it is fairly easy to tell that the tumor has formed in the most likely spot that a stint would have resided years ago that connected the bladder and the kdiney toget.  

See when the doctor pulled out that stint so long ago,, scar tissue was able to grow over the areas that were actually damaged by the insertion of the stint.  The scar tissue was dense enough that the tumor was able to grow for a period of time hidded deep within.  The scar tissue not only gave the tumor a very good hiding place it also was able to mask the symptoms so I wasn't actually aware taht I was feeling off and that I had another outbreak of cancer.  This being said I want you to know that once again my trip down this new adventure has started out just like all of the other pervious bouts with cancer.

All I can tell you that finding out that the cancer is back and that it is in another location and that you have a chance that this tumor has spread to areas where you can't find it and that is when things really start getting really scary and real period!  I really wasn't surprised that the tumor that they found on my right kidney turned out to be cancerous.  What was surprising was that this was a totally new form of cancer, one that I have had  absolutely no experience dealing with previously.   The up side of this type of cancer is that it currently is localized to the right kidney wall and though it has tendrils that could eventually mean growth and spreading I was assured by the doctor that this was a very slow growing form of cancer and that I should respond to the treatment plan that he put in place to highly favorablely. 

However, with all of that out on the table in front of you to view I should go on to tell you about the entire conversation that I had with my doctor yesterday and sort of point out where the creeping little doubt and fear is coming from with this new found information.  See even though this tumor was caught fairly early in the stages and it is slow growing I have to add in the factor that I have had a very complicated medical history with numerous issues and complications creeping up in all of my previous encounters with this dreaded disease.  So, with all of the previous issues and complication this tumor could actually become more serious than orginally thought, especially if it truly has started to grow and spread.  Because the migration path is not a very clean path and could eally if this isn't handled in the best possible manner could easily spread to my spine and from there pelvis, chest and eventually could even reach my brain.  Once it reaches the spine it is only a matter of time before it goes from casual to tragic.  See I already have spinal issues and compromised bone marrow, and these factors alone make for a deadly outcome. 

A vicious cycle seems to ensue and before I know it the cancer could be everywhere in my body.  Plus the fact that this tumor has grown significantly it's symptoms and pain might actually mask the growth of cancer in other parts of my body and thus lead to a much larger problem than originally indicated.  So I have decided to take the most proactive steps that I can aggressively persue and have selected having a different type of procedure performed that might be able to totally eradicate the diease way before any more significant damage can happen to my body.  I have agreed to let them go in through my back and freezd the tumor which will immediately necratized the bad cells while allowing the good cells to remain unharmed.  I am looking at having to have this surgery performed rather quickly to head off the cancer and be totally healed.

It is just funny that no matter how many times I have been told that I have cancer,  that same ole fear and trepidation seem to sneak in and cuase mental anguish.  Nothing prepares you to hear those words or how to react once you have heard them. But like I told a woman that I met at Family Dollar the other night:  "God doesn't give us more than we can bare, for longer than we can stand!"  Which serves to remind me that this too is just a fleeting problem, and will not last very long in deed and will therefore make me a much stronger person in the long run

As always my hopes and dreams ware with you ,

Uncle B

Here is an update for all of you inquiring minds!

I want to let everyone know that I am finally back in Florida, and there are going to be some new things coming from Uncle B.  I am working with my partner to flush out new subjects and topics to discuss with you guys.

I don't want to repeat myself and beat a dead horse.  I think you all get the point of what I have been trying to tell you.  The adventures in California were both enlightening and life changing.  I learned a lot from my time out there and I hope that it reflects in what I am writing about.

I am also starting to work on a new book so stay tuned..

My hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!

I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend.  Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked.  The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month.  This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week.  However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out.  But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned.  When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go.  Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed.  Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.  

I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff.  I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place.  Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away.  Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it.  Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out?  Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August.  He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I  thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out.  Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway.  Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out.  If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently.  As it is for right now I am good.

This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one.  If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on.  Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself.  So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again.  The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned.  I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.

Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on.  Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move.  See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages.  Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks.  By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.

I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this.  When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly.  Trust that God and the universe will take care of you.  Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment.  Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you.  If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this.  I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable.  Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.

Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me.  But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me.  I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back.  But once again there has been no response.  I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me.  But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own.  Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.

This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents.  I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months.  Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life.  I am excited and happy about all of this.  A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me.  Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing.  This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.

Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one.  Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.

I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Don't ask me Why?

My heart's so sad that I could cry
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted  my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why?  I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b

As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness.  A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part.  This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over?   I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.

Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The August 1st Full Moon

Tonight I looked up in the sky and I saw that the moon had risen full and bright
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:

Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II

Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.

On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.

On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.

Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.

My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.

I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.

Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.

For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round

Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you ever felt like starting over, but were too tired?

Have you ever felt like starting over, but were to tired to try again, to defeated by the things you cling to in your past?  I have and I still do every once in awhile.  The only way to get past your past and start over again is by forgiving those who hurt you and who you have hurt.  Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiveness is for you and not the other person, this is how we forget the past, start a clean slate, and let go of the past.

Unfortunately, our own defeatist attitude and mind hold us back.  We sometimes feel like we are not good enough, that we have made too many mistakes and that we cannot get past this.  What I can tell you is this you are not a failure, you may have failed in some of the goals you had planned to achieve but life is full of infinite possibilities and out comes.  None of us are perfect in anyway.  We learn from the mistakes we have made in the past, we have asked for forgiveness and we have forgiven ourselves. So why is it that we allow ourselves to be plagued with thoughts of failure and not being good enough to start over?  Is it guilt, no it shouldn't be if we have truly forgiven ourselves.  Is it because when we look back at our own life we see that we haven't measured up to our own ideal of success, perfection, hopes, and dreams?  That would be my guess because I know when I look back I am not happy with my progress.  But something I picked up along the way is the tenacity to push through my dilemmas and problems and plod ahead.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Each one of us is unique and an individual, we cannot be replaced by anyone else.  Every person we meet we touch in some way or another.  They either enrich us or impact us in some way. We truly are the sum of all our experiences, our failures, our triumphs, our tears, our disappointments and our victories.  We are the result of the actions and the consequences of them, we are ever changing and growing as we live and learn, as we struggle to a new future and leave the past behind.  It has been recommended that if you want to change and become more than what you are that you need to have a clean break and that you must start over again.  I don't honestly believe that is entirely accurate. Sometimes, there needs to be a clean break when you are trying to get away from a bad habit or an addiction.  However, evolving takes time and living to instill in us the motivation of change.  Be steady in your convictions.  Understand your limitations and understand that inner reflection may need to take place. It is necessary to adjust our goals and desires, they need to be reasonable and attainable.

It is unfortunate, but this is a journey that only you can make, this is a place where you have to make decisions and you have to be ready and willing to change.  The key is forgiveness of yourselves, acceptance of your past, and willing to reap the consequences of said actions.  Only from this place can we release the past and move forward. I want you to always remember that you are not a failure, you do have worth, and you can start again, you have an inner strength that has brought you this far and through so many things.  Remember that when all the doors before you seem to be closed and despair is hovering above your head, that the future cannot be seen, no one can see beyond your choices, our future is based upon the decisions we make and the paths we choose to walk. Remember that after every rainstorm there comes the sun.  After every waning moon comes a new full moon.  That each day is a brand new day, there are no mistakes, it is a clean slate and is perfect in every way, and just because that door was closed when you got to it doesn't mean that you have failed...it just means that the door was closed just so you could open one and step out onto the perfect road that was meant for you.

Trust me when I say you can do this you can do anything you set our mind too and you can succeed all you have to do is try.  Keep your head up and your thoughts positive. Take the step to start over again and you will see that starting over isn't so hard after all.

As always I look forward to hearing from you and your thoughts about my subject.  Let me know what you think and what you would like to talk about.

All my hopes,
Uncle B