Being a Sagittarius I should know all about the dangers of planning because no matter how much work or preparation I put into things they never ever go as planned. I can use this move as a prime example of what I am talking about and then take you even further into the discussion. I paid the deposit on my place and was told I could move in right away. The place came furnished to a degree, but I had my own stuff in my parents garage, and wanted my own stuff in the apartment.
The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place. I think that is where I am eventually going to end up. But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started. So I am here for at least another 6 months or so. Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments. So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona. Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.
Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge. I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move. Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned. My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception. Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan. Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.
Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get. I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles. I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write. But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona. It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful. It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan. My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there. But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.
Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober. But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance. I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast. I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry. He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high. I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out. But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned. I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.
Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off. I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me. He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off. Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about. Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together. Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay. He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better. So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself. I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him. He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself. I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.
Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look back at the journey we have taken. I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out. Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to. Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be. I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted. But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever. I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived. This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every move and situation that I would find myself in. Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona. As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction. My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions. It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain. I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to. I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors. I rather take my chances with God. See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.
I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.
See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label accepting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label accepting. Show all posts
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
46 and counting! What a blessing!
That's right another year has passed and I am still here. Not for my lack of trying you understand. Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know. But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive. I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me. I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar. But here I am. I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive. All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you. But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.
Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe. But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people. You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents. Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me. I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring. Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you. I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.
There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not. But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today. Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated. Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through. Thank you for coming along on the journey with me. Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.
This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it. Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is. But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age. I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger. No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek. I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder. A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters. I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending. I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective. Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating. What can you say to the man who has done it all?
If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring. Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends. Those who truly know me, will never forget me. Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around. They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky. To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires. I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing. He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?
I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things. I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left. But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth. But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye. Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me. I was emerging and really being seen. I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.
As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me. As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me. I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.
Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return. I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance. For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but I am living proof that it can and does.
So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God. I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life. Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next. Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end. Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe. But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people. You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents. Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me. I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring. Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you. I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.
There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not. But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today. Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated. Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through. Thank you for coming along on the journey with me. Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.
This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it. Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is. But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age. I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger. No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek. I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder. A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters. I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending. I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective. Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating. What can you say to the man who has done it all?
If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring. Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends. Those who truly know me, will never forget me. Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around. They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky. To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires. I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing. He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?
I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things. I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left. But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth. But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye. Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me. I was emerging and really being seen. I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.
As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me. As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me. I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.
Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return. I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance. For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but I am living proof that it can and does.
So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God. I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life. Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next. Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end. Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
How fragile life is and how wondrous it can also be!
Yesterday in my blog entry I mentioned how I realized how fragile and precious life can be. Some of you maybe wondering what I meant when I wrote that. So I thought I would discuss it a bit further so that you have a better understanding of what I mean. See as some of you are aware from following my blog since the beginning, I have been battling cancer and leukemia for a little more than 20 years now. This has been a long and hard battle, and one that I can honestly tell you I have been winning though there have been setbacks and changes to my life that have been earth shattering to say the least. But, here I am still alive and writing to you about the adventures that I have been upon. Life has been sort of kind and yet cruel to me at the same time. The battle began in the summer of 1992 when they found a large tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide, with serrated edges and ulcerated down the middle. I underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments and the tumor eventually vanished.
I went on to college and got several degrees, and journeyed to Atlanta and started a new life. I landed a great job right after school with the Georgia Department of Revenue. I was there till I started having the same symptoms all over again. This was in 2005 when it all began, and it got worse as the years went by. I ended up having to have parts of my large intestines removed and several parts of my small intestines. An ileostomy was performed to save my life, the input of which is very close to the output of my stomach, so for years I have had a problem gaining weight and maintaining it. Now years have gone by and I still have the bag attached to my small intestines and though it has saved my life, it has complicated it as well. See being a gay man I have the fear that I will not or can not be accepted by the gay community and gay men in general. See sex has become very complicated and not to mention the scars and the bag that cause fear on my part. They also make others uncomfortable when they find out about it. Now, it doesn't change who I am but it has made me reluctant to open up to others, the fear of rejection is high on the list of my fears and phobias.
To complicate matters in 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and the medication that I was put on immediately caused damage to my kidney's and has made life a bit more interesting to say the least. Since 2008, I have found that having the ileostomy causes my body to dehydrate faster than a normal persons because my waste is fully liquid all the time in the bag, add in the fact that my kidney's are impaired and you come up with renal failure and end stage renal disease. I have been hospitalized a lot because of this impairment, including recently in September when I visited 2 different hospitals and had to have fluids and potassium added to my body via IV. Not a fun experience to say the least. Now, further in December of 2011 I had a kidney stone, which caused a lot of problems. Bladder infections, lodged kidney stone in the ureter tube, repeated hospitalizations and eventually a stint was put in to make it easier to urinate. The stint was left in place till February when it was finally removed, come to find out the stint should have only been left in place for 30 days, and in my case it was in for a little more than 60 days.
Last week I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday. A cyst had formed on the left kidney, when it was found it was 2mm by the time they got the drain put in to drain it, the size had grown to 8cm. They were able to drain 40mL of fluid from it. Luckily there was no sign of bacteria or infection in the fluid that was extracted from the cyst. Battery after battery of tests were given and still no answer to why the cyst formed and if it would come back again. My biggest fear is that when they removed the stint back in February, I believe that tissue had grown around the stint and when it was removed I believe that a small tear formed and that is where the fluid is coming from. I am now wondering what can be done to correct the damage that was done. But, it doesn't change the fact that life has thrown yet another curve ball at me that I have to deal with.
What I want you to understand that I had 10 years of good health before I got ill again, and during that time I built a life, a good one and made a lot of money. But, when I got sick again, I watched how quickly it could all be taken away from me. I learned a lot of things during this time and that is why I started writing this blog, to help others overcome the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. When I moved home in February, I had no idea that in March I would be faced with death and that an emergency surgery had to be performed. 2012 has been a year of hospitalizations and death seems to have been lurking around every corner for me. Even as I write this tonight it feels like the fluid is building back up in my pelvic region again. I am hoping it is phantom pains but my luck hasn't been running so good lately. The only other change was the my HIV medication, we changed to a whole new regimen over the last week and this is the second time that this has happened since I started the new meds. I am hoping that when I go to my follow up appointment with my surgeon he will have some other ideas that he can throw out at me.
Now what I want you to realize is that life is fickle and can throw you many curve balls when it comes to your health. One minute you can be healthy and the next you are sick. Then you could be like me and battling a whole series of terminal illnesses and putting the medical profession on their toes with the amount of care that is needed to just keep me going daily. But the up side to all of this is that life is what you make of it. Health is an important factor, but it isn't the only factor that you have to take into consideration, you need to choose those things that make you happy as well, because life is fleeting and precious. You have to take the moments that you are given and live them to the fullest, and if you happen to miss some of the moments, take the time to create your own. In the long run you are going to be glad that you did. Never miss the opportunity to tell your loved ones how you feel about them, and don't hide your feelings or keep them bottled up inside of you. The reason why is you never ever know when your last moment on this earth is going to be.
For years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside of me, and I was on a hair trigger and the least little things would set me off. This didn't make it easy for those that were trying to be in a relationship with me, and it certainly didn't make it fun being my friend. I have since learned that every moment is a gift that we are given, we are not guaranteed another day on the earth, so be sure to express yourself truly, for there really is no greater crime then missing out on something because you were to afraid to let someone know how you really felt about them. You may not even realize it till it is too late and they have moved on, but what does it hurt to let them know how you felt or feel about them. You never know your chance may come around again. What I am hoping that you will take away from this blog entry is that you need to utilize the time you are given and excel in the things that you love, leave behind the things that you don't. Be yourself always and express your desires openly, do not be afraid. One thing you will learn is that rejection is part of living and if you never take the chance you might miss out on some very good opportunities, not to mention the love of your life or even possibly your soul mate. Keep in mind how fleeting and fragile life is, know your body, get to know when you are not feeling right and act accordingly. Don't be like me and wait till the last possible second to go to the hospital, because even though I have been lucky so far, my time might just run out while I am second guessing myself. There have been so many times when I have gotten to the hospital at the nick of time, where the doctors have told me and my partner that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. Be responsible for yourself. Be true to yourself and others, you owe them that much.
Another thing that I have learned along this journey that I am on is that there is never a good reason to lie, and life is too short to have to keep up with different stories, stick to the truth, it will get you further in the long run, and if people are truly your friends they are going to get angry with you for pointing out their flaws and shortcomings but in the long run they are going to thank you for your honesty and appreciate you all that much better. I don't know what life has in store for me at this moment in time, but I can tell you that I plan to live whatever time I have left happily and without regrets and express how I feel to others, no matter what the cost, because I will tell you I have made mistakes in the past and I don't want to miss out on one minute of happiness in my life from here on out.
In the ten short years that I had of health after this whole thing started I had a life, a real one, full of laughter, anger and pain, and I let obsession for more money, more things cloud my judgement. I threw away the things that made me happy and I tell you I won't make the same mistakes again. A person can live a full and happy life in just ten short years. You can accomplish so much and if you are focused and dedicated you can build a whole lifetime into that little span of time. I know I did and I am glad that I had the opportunity and the experience. I know one day soon I will be healthy again, I just know that the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far to bring me home now. I still have so much to do and more to explain to the world before I am ready to cash it in for the pearly gates.
So take it from me, you can do a lot, but you have to take ownership of your health, be responsible, know your body, be proactive, and let me stress yet another fun fact that you might not know, 3 out of 5 people today are walking around not even knowing that they are affected with HIV/AIDS. They have no symptoms and feel fine. So know your status, get checked often and be proactive about your care if you do find out you are ill. Knowing as they say is half the battle, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I went on to college and got several degrees, and journeyed to Atlanta and started a new life. I landed a great job right after school with the Georgia Department of Revenue. I was there till I started having the same symptoms all over again. This was in 2005 when it all began, and it got worse as the years went by. I ended up having to have parts of my large intestines removed and several parts of my small intestines. An ileostomy was performed to save my life, the input of which is very close to the output of my stomach, so for years I have had a problem gaining weight and maintaining it. Now years have gone by and I still have the bag attached to my small intestines and though it has saved my life, it has complicated it as well. See being a gay man I have the fear that I will not or can not be accepted by the gay community and gay men in general. See sex has become very complicated and not to mention the scars and the bag that cause fear on my part. They also make others uncomfortable when they find out about it. Now, it doesn't change who I am but it has made me reluctant to open up to others, the fear of rejection is high on the list of my fears and phobias.
To complicate matters in 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and the medication that I was put on immediately caused damage to my kidney's and has made life a bit more interesting to say the least. Since 2008, I have found that having the ileostomy causes my body to dehydrate faster than a normal persons because my waste is fully liquid all the time in the bag, add in the fact that my kidney's are impaired and you come up with renal failure and end stage renal disease. I have been hospitalized a lot because of this impairment, including recently in September when I visited 2 different hospitals and had to have fluids and potassium added to my body via IV. Not a fun experience to say the least. Now, further in December of 2011 I had a kidney stone, which caused a lot of problems. Bladder infections, lodged kidney stone in the ureter tube, repeated hospitalizations and eventually a stint was put in to make it easier to urinate. The stint was left in place till February when it was finally removed, come to find out the stint should have only been left in place for 30 days, and in my case it was in for a little more than 60 days.
Last week I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday. A cyst had formed on the left kidney, when it was found it was 2mm by the time they got the drain put in to drain it, the size had grown to 8cm. They were able to drain 40mL of fluid from it. Luckily there was no sign of bacteria or infection in the fluid that was extracted from the cyst. Battery after battery of tests were given and still no answer to why the cyst formed and if it would come back again. My biggest fear is that when they removed the stint back in February, I believe that tissue had grown around the stint and when it was removed I believe that a small tear formed and that is where the fluid is coming from. I am now wondering what can be done to correct the damage that was done. But, it doesn't change the fact that life has thrown yet another curve ball at me that I have to deal with.
What I want you to understand that I had 10 years of good health before I got ill again, and during that time I built a life, a good one and made a lot of money. But, when I got sick again, I watched how quickly it could all be taken away from me. I learned a lot of things during this time and that is why I started writing this blog, to help others overcome the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. When I moved home in February, I had no idea that in March I would be faced with death and that an emergency surgery had to be performed. 2012 has been a year of hospitalizations and death seems to have been lurking around every corner for me. Even as I write this tonight it feels like the fluid is building back up in my pelvic region again. I am hoping it is phantom pains but my luck hasn't been running so good lately. The only other change was the my HIV medication, we changed to a whole new regimen over the last week and this is the second time that this has happened since I started the new meds. I am hoping that when I go to my follow up appointment with my surgeon he will have some other ideas that he can throw out at me.
Now what I want you to realize is that life is fickle and can throw you many curve balls when it comes to your health. One minute you can be healthy and the next you are sick. Then you could be like me and battling a whole series of terminal illnesses and putting the medical profession on their toes with the amount of care that is needed to just keep me going daily. But the up side to all of this is that life is what you make of it. Health is an important factor, but it isn't the only factor that you have to take into consideration, you need to choose those things that make you happy as well, because life is fleeting and precious. You have to take the moments that you are given and live them to the fullest, and if you happen to miss some of the moments, take the time to create your own. In the long run you are going to be glad that you did. Never miss the opportunity to tell your loved ones how you feel about them, and don't hide your feelings or keep them bottled up inside of you. The reason why is you never ever know when your last moment on this earth is going to be.
For years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside of me, and I was on a hair trigger and the least little things would set me off. This didn't make it easy for those that were trying to be in a relationship with me, and it certainly didn't make it fun being my friend. I have since learned that every moment is a gift that we are given, we are not guaranteed another day on the earth, so be sure to express yourself truly, for there really is no greater crime then missing out on something because you were to afraid to let someone know how you really felt about them. You may not even realize it till it is too late and they have moved on, but what does it hurt to let them know how you felt or feel about them. You never know your chance may come around again. What I am hoping that you will take away from this blog entry is that you need to utilize the time you are given and excel in the things that you love, leave behind the things that you don't. Be yourself always and express your desires openly, do not be afraid. One thing you will learn is that rejection is part of living and if you never take the chance you might miss out on some very good opportunities, not to mention the love of your life or even possibly your soul mate. Keep in mind how fleeting and fragile life is, know your body, get to know when you are not feeling right and act accordingly. Don't be like me and wait till the last possible second to go to the hospital, because even though I have been lucky so far, my time might just run out while I am second guessing myself. There have been so many times when I have gotten to the hospital at the nick of time, where the doctors have told me and my partner that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. Be responsible for yourself. Be true to yourself and others, you owe them that much.
Another thing that I have learned along this journey that I am on is that there is never a good reason to lie, and life is too short to have to keep up with different stories, stick to the truth, it will get you further in the long run, and if people are truly your friends they are going to get angry with you for pointing out their flaws and shortcomings but in the long run they are going to thank you for your honesty and appreciate you all that much better. I don't know what life has in store for me at this moment in time, but I can tell you that I plan to live whatever time I have left happily and without regrets and express how I feel to others, no matter what the cost, because I will tell you I have made mistakes in the past and I don't want to miss out on one minute of happiness in my life from here on out.
In the ten short years that I had of health after this whole thing started I had a life, a real one, full of laughter, anger and pain, and I let obsession for more money, more things cloud my judgement. I threw away the things that made me happy and I tell you I won't make the same mistakes again. A person can live a full and happy life in just ten short years. You can accomplish so much and if you are focused and dedicated you can build a whole lifetime into that little span of time. I know I did and I am glad that I had the opportunity and the experience. I know one day soon I will be healthy again, I just know that the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far to bring me home now. I still have so much to do and more to explain to the world before I am ready to cash it in for the pearly gates.
So take it from me, you can do a lot, but you have to take ownership of your health, be responsible, know your body, be proactive, and let me stress yet another fun fact that you might not know, 3 out of 5 people today are walking around not even knowing that they are affected with HIV/AIDS. They have no symptoms and feel fine. So know your status, get checked often and be proactive about your care if you do find out you are ill. Knowing as they say is half the battle, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, August 19, 2012
True Friendship
As I have told you before finding those true friends is a rare and beautiful thing. When you find them you need to hold on to them and cherish them. I have one friend that pops into mind almost immediately. This man has been with me through so many things, yes, we have had our problems, and fights, but somehow we have always managed to get past them and work it out. My best friend Jason was there with me the night that I found out I was HIV Poz. He sat with me on my bed at my house and held me, and we talked and talked for hours. This was a very cold night back in December of 2006, it was just a week after he had learned himself that he was HIV positive. I drew strength and courage from him even though he was a lot younger than me.
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Please keep in mind, you are very special
Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again. This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel. I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it. You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful. Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
The August 1st Full Moon
Tonight I looked up in the sky and I saw that the moon had risen full and bright
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Bisexuality....My take on the subject
I honestly don't think many people like to be labeled one thing or another, but I was thinking about bisexuality the other day and it began to dawn on me that we are all born bisexual. It is only after we start to form bonds with others that it becomes evident that we are part of one group or another. It seems to me that as we grow and mature, the attraction between one sex or the other starts to outweigh one another. For example in elementary school and middle school I was attracted to both guys and girls, in high school I still dated girls, but it was here that I finally started to be attracted to guys more than girls, and then after high school when I was in the Navy and away from home, I was finally able to explore my sexuality and come to terms with who I was.
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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