Magic of cinema can still move me

I am 47 years old and find that still today a good story can bring tears to my eyes. I love Hallmark and Lifetime movies, not because I think life works like it is depicted in these films. No, I think these films bring joy, hope and laughter into this world with a purity and wholeness that might be lacking in our lives.

I get teased when others see the tears that roll down my cheeks as i get pulled into these movies.  These movies provide me with an escape from my humdrum reality and pull me into a magical world where all problems can be resolved in 2 hours or less. Where the love of a lifetime can be found and everyone lives happily ever after.  But what is the overall appeal of these movies?

I know that the reason why I love these movies is because they take my mind totally out of whatever I have going on and submerge me into a world with endless possibilities. These feel good movies can for 2 hours at a time relieve boredom and the grit of everyday living. They also instill for a moment a brief feeling of hope and fulfillment that is often lacking in our day.

Any movie can tell a  story or provide entertainment,  few manage to do this well.  There are so many genre of stories and many different ways that they can be interpreted. It is the job of the screen writer to capture the essence of a  book, novel or story. Then it is up to the director to breathe life into the screenplay.  When done well the audience is transported into it, they feel like they can relate to one or more of the characters.  The trappings of their ordinary day become transparent and for the time being they can live vicariously through them.

Studios like Disney, Hallmark and Lifetime seem to be able bring wholesome, feel good movies over and over again with resounding success.  Walt Disney pioneered the wholesome family film which laid the foundation and ground work  for all Hallmark and Lifetime. I believe that Walt Disney was a trailblazer and visionary that set a very high bar for those that followed in his wake. At the Walt Disney company they call this the "Disney Magic" or the "Magic of Disney", every new employee to the company has to go through a two week orientation called "Traditions". This training stresses the values and expectations that Walt himself had for everyone who worked for or with him.

Wholesomeness and purity are keywords that come to mind when you think of a Disney movie. Deep characters that seem to be able to achieve or overcome anything thrown at them and always end up happy. There is a formula that these movies all strive to achieve, a deep conflict that needs a resolution.  Inside the plot of these movies is a hidden hook and it reels/reals you into the drama that is unfolding before you. In a way you are made to care about these characters and the issue or problem they are going through resonates with you and your life.  Once that hook is set guaranteed it is going to elicit an emotional reaction out of you, and for that brief moment in time you are transported from the mundane to the magical.

It just sort of sucks that it had to end. Your mind knows that what you see is fake but your heart feels like it's all real. That is the power these types of movies have in our lives. We all need to escape reality once in awhile and what better place is there to do that  than the movies.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I believe in miracles yes I do

Do you believe in miracles? I have to tell you that I do, I believe in big miracles as well as small miracles.  See, when the sun rises in the morning I count that as a miracle and my eyes opening up to see the sun crest the horizon is a blessing.  I see the bud's of the tree blossoming as a miracle, how the winter turns to spring as a miracle.  You may not, but I do these are little miracles that happen around us, yet we are too busy to see them or notice them.  Then there are the big OMG miracles.  Like, when I had my aneurysm and I had all those many blood transfusions, I know it was an Angel that came to me and saved my life.  Because there is no record of this nurse working on that floor or any other floor that very night and when I asked no one knew who she was or where she came from.  Now, this is not the first time that I have had an intervention like that, but I sure hope it is the last.

I keep telling you that God's time is not our time, that He comes and does as He wills, yet He is always on time and never late.  I have been told all my life that I was an Angel here on earth, that I was born to ease the suffering of others and you know what?  That is exactly what I have been doing my entire life and never even knew it.  My grandmother told me this the day she died.  I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now.  Most of you know me personally or have read my blog and know of me.  I have walked a dark and lonely road, but a road of my own choosing. I chose to walk along the drug dealers, the addicts, the prostitutes, yet in all of that I never lost the sight in my Lord and Savior, and those who came to know me saw the light that show inside of me, and gravitated to the positive energy I have always displayed.

No matter the circumstances, I have always maintained a positive outlook and attitude for those around me to see.  Very few people have ever seen me down for long, and if they have then they were very special people to me indeed.  God has granted me patience and discernment, and a slight ability to prophesy, but the most important thing that God has given me is the ability to excel under stress and pressure.  People that I used to work with at the State of Georgia used to call me a miracle worker and when I was in the Navy I could pull things together fast.  I learned who my key resources were and I just utilized them to my benefit, and I still do some of that in limited form today in my current life.

But, most importantly I am happy to say that when my world got a little darker yesterday afternoon.  I couldn't shake the nagging fear I was feeling nor could I get over the fact that I had been down this exact road not too very long ago, I wanted to bemoan and lament that it wasn't fair that I didn't want to do it again, and why me?  But something most extraordinary happened this very evening as I was sitting here writing my first blog entry.  I heard from someone who I had not thought I would ever hear from again. Someone I had once counted as a friend who I accidentally betrayed and sent away. It is sad but true we had parted on extremely bad terms, and I have had to deal with the guilt of that for almost 2 years.  As he got out of my car he turned and he looked at me and told me that I wasn't acting very much like a best friend, with that he closed the door and left me and that was the last time I laid eyes on him.  Yet, today a day when the world seemed to be crashing around my ears, the words that the doctors had told me yesterday were finally sinking in and I was feeling more and more like my life was spinning out of control my phone rang, and on the other end was the friend that I thought I had lost, and he was in trouble.  He needed me and I realized that I needed him just as much.

Funny how God has done that to the two us, there have been several times in our past that we have needed each other.  For years and years we had been there for each other and I let someone else into my life, and that person I don't know why or how colored my eyes against my friend and didn't want me to have anything to do with him.  I got mad at the wrong person and I did things that I am not proud of at all.  I turned my back on a friend, I didn't even listen to what he had to tell me. I made a snap and summary judgement because the person I was dating was trying to manipulate me and he did a good job.  As a matter of fact he almost destroyed me, and he damn near killed my friendship with this person.  Yet today when my mood was feeling low, and I was trying how I was going to handle all this knowledge that I had gotten from the doctor yesterday my phone rang and it was my friend Victory! He would kill me if he was here right now and saw the name that I have given him. But let me tell you something as far as I am concerned his is my Victory and my Triumph over this dread spirit that had come over me.  I had just tried to get in touch with him over the past weekend and out of the clear blue sky, my phone rang and it was him.  I am telling you it was a miracle, God knew what He was doing and He knew exactly who and what I needed to snap me out of this funk that was tangling me up in it's clutches.

I have to tell you that if ever 2 people needed each other it was the two of us. I had been feeling guilty about the past, and worried about the future. He was sitting in custody where he had been for 10 months, and he just tried my number after all of this time. Once I heard his voice and knew what he needed I didn't hesitate at all I sprang into action.  Within 2 hours I had talked to his mom, and the bondsman and knew that I was going to get him out of jail.  It would take me and his mom working together to pull this off but I knew what I was going to do before he even asked.  I am waiting for him to be released now.  I wish he was here, so I could honestly tell him thank you.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I think we have saved each other several times over the years, but today he saved me from my own worst enemy...myself!

I have to take a brief moment here and say "Thank you my Heavenly Father for bringing him back into my life, I am so glad that I was here to help when I was needed.  You have sustained me and made it possible for all of these things to fall in place.  I never knew why you brought Lonnie and Alicia into my life but now I do, You did it so I would know who to call and what to do when today came.  Had it not been for the training and the ropes that those two put me through I would never have been able to accomplish everything that I did tonight. So thank you Lord for this training and blessing, I am sorry I have ever doubted that You.  I should have known that You kept me here just for this very moment."  Amen.

Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years and was humbled and trained to lead the children of Israel home from Egypt.  I was held in place and kept from moving on so that I could be in this exact place at the moment that I was needed.  There can be no other explanation, I had planned to move to PA and I have kept trying to get off of probation so I could go help my mother, yet something had tied me to Holly Hill and I haven't left yet.  It was the Hand of God restraining me and keeping me till I was needed.  I am thankful that I was here and that I was able to do my part.  I needed to hear my friends voice today, and he needed me.  So if you ask me that was definitely a miracle in and of itself.

So yes I believe in miracles, I believe that they happen around us everyday all day, and we are too wrapped up in ourselves and in our own lives that we miss them, but they are there if we just take some time and slow down long enough to appreciate them.  I have to tell you that today is one of the happiest days of my life.  It is not everyday that God grants you the ability to correct a wrong that you have committed against another person.  It also isn't too often that things fall into the right place so that we are available to respond to another person's need.  I am truly blessed that both of these things were available to me.

I have learned my lesson of that you can be sure, and I will never miss another miracle that comes my way, because I know what to look for now big and small.

I hope you do too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

46 and counting! What a blessing!

That's right another year has passed and I am still here.  Not for my lack of trying you understand.  Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know.  But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive.  I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me.  I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar.  But here I am.  I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive.  All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you.  But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe.  But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people.  You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents.  Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me.  I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring.  Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you.  I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.

There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not.  But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today.  Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated.  Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through.  Thank you for coming along on the journey with me.  Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.

This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it.  Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is.  But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age.  I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger.  No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek.  I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder.  A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters.  I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending.  I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective.  Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating.  What can you say to the man who has done it all?

If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring.  Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends.  Those who truly know me, will never forget me.  Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around.  They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky.  To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires.  I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing.  He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?

I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things.  I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left.  But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth.  But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye.  Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me.  I was emerging and really being seen.  I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.

As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me.  As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me.  I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.

Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return.  I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance.  For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I  feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but  I am living proof that it can and does.

So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God.  I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life.  Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next.  Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end.  Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What two things can keep you from succeeding at your goals and dreams?

Now I know that you know that there are more things that can keep you from succeeding. But the main two that I think of that can kill them before you even start are Fear and Jealousy.  Fear alone can hold you back, limit your reasoning to take risks that may be necessary to even start.  Fear can keep you from trying something new and exploring every opportunity and avenue that is presented to you.  It can also lock you in place because it causes you to doubt your own abilities.  Jealousy, whether yours aimed at others or their's aimed at you is the second thing.

Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be.  You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide.  Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms.  They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you.  It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you.  Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge.  Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack.  It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.

There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them.  The first we discussed was fear.  As they say fear is really the the enemy itself.  You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities.  Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself.  Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair.  Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding.  Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.

Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms.  The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out.  But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again.  The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks.  Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is.  Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did.  This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet.  Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true.  First off, if something looks easy for someone  maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it.  Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set.  When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.

You might just find you aren't in such a bad place.  As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be!  I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here.  In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life.  Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made.  Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace.  Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.

The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters".  These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly.  It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults.  The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally.  Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all.  A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down.  Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".

For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html

I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries.  You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.


As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B