I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be. I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month. I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up. People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control. From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since. Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder. Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs. For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again.
This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor. If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive. I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them. As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.
What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people. To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word. I should know better with some. I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up. They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up. People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed. I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold. I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay.
My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health. The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth. He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.
If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience. I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.
Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues. You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it. If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change. If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.
Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
