There comes a point in everyone's life when they are scared

I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be.  I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month.  I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up.  People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control.  From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since.  Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder.  Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs.  For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again. 

This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor.  If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them.  As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.

What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people.  To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word.  I should know better with some.  I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up.  They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up.  People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed.  I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold.  I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay. 

My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health.  The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth.  He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.

If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience.  I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.

Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues.  You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it.  If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change.  If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.

Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unexpected Turn of Events

Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer.  That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again.  This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left.  I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again.  Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.

Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore.  What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in.  Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search.  What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place.  The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.

The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles?  I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta.  So I haven't been back here is such a long time.  But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a  .  Even with  assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed.  I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld.  Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record.  This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information. 

I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon.  I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem.  So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.

Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail.  Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally.  Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate.  He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly.  Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me.  This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.

However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it.  Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer.  I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me.  My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues.  He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me.  But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.

Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before.  I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again.  This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years".  These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain.  There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point.  Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated. 

I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else.  I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open.  I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether.  I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him.  That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me.  I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.

If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time?  I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time.  Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.

However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has.  For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape.  I am not alone in this battle anymore.  My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family.  Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.

But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it.  What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of.  It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible.  Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established.  I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.

Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level.  Let me know what your thoughts are on this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Family Ties

This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties.  My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it.  But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother.  I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me.  My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings. 

My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family.  I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.

But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children.  Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.

I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday.  As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.

I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away.  I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare.  I really don't know the answer to that question.

How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another?  It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members.  I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other.  My family is nothing like that.

Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me.  Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than  him.  Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt.  Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be.  We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.

No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned.  I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me.  Most people including my parents are not like that.  I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.

I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems.  Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had.  Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD. 

I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well.  Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability.  I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own.  Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them.  I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment.  Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.

My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment.  Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.

Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words.  That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place.  Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there.  Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all.  He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Effecting Change

Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone.  Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums.  I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post.  I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times.  Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.

2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do.  Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her.  But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce.  Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use.  Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him.  But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery.  But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different.  Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.

I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times.  I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape.  Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in.  But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house.  Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.

This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted.  But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it.  I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit.  I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in.  I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment.  How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.

I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon.  I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives.  Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest.  I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle.  You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games.  Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost.  But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you.  They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.

Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly.  Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle.  I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done.  I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time.  My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt.  It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up.  I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes.  If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.

I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip.  First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head.  Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind.  I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it.  I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing.  He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.

They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed.  I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to.  I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did.  Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body.  The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me.  I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.

You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you.  It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality.  Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life.  You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed.  Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow.  Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.

Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you.  Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain.  You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B

Learn, Live and Adapt

08/02/18

Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem.  A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer.  Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time.  How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone. 

Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud.  Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.

During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked.  I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future.  Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent.  He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with.  Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once.  Wonder why I even considered him a friend. 

On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it.  Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief. 

Starting over is never an easy thing to do.  This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name.  I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going  back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time.  My health was too poor to handle the situation.  I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was.  Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.

So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn.  I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her.  Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car.  To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.

My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery.  So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all.  My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again.  I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician.  I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!

If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time.  When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona.  Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time.  It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around. 

Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta.  Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future.  Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together.  Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on.  I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that.  All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book.  For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past.  The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more! 

Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together.  This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together.  You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate.  Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before.  I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen. 

But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way.  Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring.  You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others.  This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating.  When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me.  It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm.  Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't.  What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.

It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship.  Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had.  So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them.  The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact.  There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life.  The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.  These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs.  Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned. 

Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care.  Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time.  I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.

Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain.  It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen.  Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction.  Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time.  It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Rebuilding from the past

When I first moved to Florida I came with nothing except the clothes on my back, literally.  I had on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and nothing else except a broken cell phone.  During my first 8 months I experienced some setback such as going into the hospital literally 2 days after I got here.  I was in there for 14 days because my colon ruptured in 2 places while I was in there.  However, I was able to make a recovery, get a job and was able to get clothes that I needed and I was able to purchase things that I wanted along the way.  I got a job, bought a car, and got my own place on top of all of those things.  I can't say that I was happy but it didn't take me long to get furniture.  Luckily there was a place called Our Father's Closet not too far from my house that gave me a sofa bed, and some other items like a coffee table, end tables and a lamp.  I got a TV from a pawn shop and I was on my way.  Over the past 6 years or so I ended up loosing several places where I had lived, ended up homeless and most of my stuff ended up in storage units from Florida to Pennsylvania, which I had successfully kept up with till last summer when I had an unfortunate run in with the law.

I was on the street literally from July till December.  When a friend of mine reached out and opened up his home to me and allowed me to come and stay with him and his partner.  I am extremely grateful to Travis and Demario for allowing me to come into their home.  Life hasn't been kind to me if the truth is to be told.  Most of you already know from reading and following my blog that I have several medical issues and the list seems to be growing longer each passing month.  However, the month of February I took the time for myself and I started rebuilding all of the things that I had lost over the past several years.  This month I took money and bought myself a TV and I also got myself a computer and a printer.  I even purchased a tablet, however, my mother being in a similar situation to mine health wise, I have decided that I am going to send her the tablet that I have bought and wait for a little bit and before I buy another tablet.  It might take me some time but I know that with all the trips to the doctors and labs that need to be done that I am going to continue to be busy till I can get all of these surgeries done and over with that they are saying that I am needing.

I started going to pain management and I am finding that the medication that they have me on now isn't really helping me all that much.  I seem to be taking more and more just to get through the day with out any pain.  So I expressed interest in getting on Medical Marijuana but currently at the price point that they are charging here in Florida it really puts it out of my reach.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I am pretty sure that my friends aren't going to want me staying with them forever, and I am sure that it would be better to get out on my own.  But, with only being here a few months I am still not sure of my way around.  My friend Travis grew up here and is very familiar with the area so I rely on him pretty heavily.  I just fear that I am getting on their nerves and making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I have been here exactly 2 1/2 months and I am hoping that in the next 2 or so that I will have enough money saved up that I might be able to get out on my own.  However, this is something that I am trying to work on.  Though with every turn something seems to come up and I end up spending money that I wasn't planning on.  My mother's cell phone died totally and wouldn't turn on at all.  This was a necessary expense and I was glad I was in a position to get her a new one.  But since I have been here I have been running into all sorts of obstacles.  Like the UF Health here in Jacksonville is not in my network but the one in Gainesville is.  I am frustrated by this.  I am also having trouble with Ryan White here, for the past 7 years they have been paying my copays to the VA and here in Jacksonville they won't.  I am not sure what I should do and starting next month the VA is going to start garnishing my check.  Further, my partner had me bail him out of jail and then missed court. So now the bondsman is coming after me for the 3000.00 so that is going to end up coming out of my check.

So it seems for every step that I take forward, I end up falling 20 steps behind. I am not sure if I am going to recover from this fiasco altogether.  I figure that during this time when I have the little extra funds available to me that I should purchase the things that I want and need before all the garnishments hit my Social Security check.  That way when they do come I will not be needing things, I will have already built them up from.  My next big expenditure is going to be the installation of my own internet here at the house that way I don't have to rely on my friends totally for everything.  Sometimes I just feel like they think that I am trying to take advantage of their kindness and I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Overall, I am feeling great about the accomplishments that I have made since I have been here and the change of environment and scenery have really helped me maintain focus towards furthering my goal.  My big thing is that I am really trying to fit in and at times I feel like I am keeping my friends from the things that they are needing to do because they are worried about me.  Over the next month or two I am hoping that I will have either saved enough money to get a vehicle or a place of my own.  That way they won't think that I am wasting my money on things and not making sure that they are taken care of.  I also need to figure out how to work around my direct deposit issues with the credit union that I am a member of.  I like the fact that I can transfer funds directly from my checking account directly onto my credit card and not have to worry about incurring an fees or late charges.

That is another thing that I have accomplished. I was able to get myself 2 credit cards.  I am hoping that I will be able to begin rebuilding my credit and work towards getting myself totally back on my feet.

Right now I am worried about my upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon I am waiting to see what type of treatment he is going to recommend. At this point I have had 3 MRIs and I have to schedule a PET scan tomorrow.  I am struggling to keep up with all of my appointments and getting to and from them conveniently.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I set out on rebuilding my life from the remnants of my past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,




Uncle B

Letting go

You may think that taking steps to help myself might look like I may be running away from my problems.  But the truth of the matter is that I needed to look out for my health and well-being, because no one else is going too. Being tossed around on the streets is not a place for someone like me who has so many things wrong with me physically.  I just had a kidney removed back in March and lately i have been showing signs of esophagus cancer. This is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It also needs a stable environment in which to heal and get better. So when things really started going south in my life i chose to take my friend up on his offer to leave behind the world of drugs and uncertain stability. I chose to pick up what remained of my life and head north to a new life i had hoped that others would be happy for me. But to my surprise the people i love the most chose to let me go and stay behind.

No matter what i choose now i guess i am totally on my own. I had hoped that being away for several days would let the others know that i did the best thing for myself and that asking them to come with me is my attempt to make a new beginning for both of us. No matter what anyone else thinks i have not abandoned those i love and who trust me. I have never given up on them and never will. Life is too short for running away. I have chosen a new path and and with any luck a new destiny for myself and those that love me.

It has taken an act of letting go and walking away from my old life in order to create a new life, a new path. In order for me to move forward i needed to shed the old self and begin a whole new life. Moving from Daytona was the first step in the process. The next few days i am going to try and get myself in order. Meet with the VA and medicare to get myself into treatment and make sure that my health is once again taken care of. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Hopefully over the next few weeks my partner will realize that we need each other and will choose to come with me. This will help me greatly to achieve stability and peace of mind.  I can only hope that those of you who read and follow my blog will support my decision and help me convince him that i need him in my life and without him I will never really be safe and healthy.  He is not something that i would willingly or happily let go of. He is my whole world and the one who i depend on most. I have been gone 3 days and it feels so much longer. I don't think he really knows how much I depend on him or how much I care about him.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Change

Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Contemplations and decisions

2017 has already opened up a whole new group of contemplations and decisions for me to consider. My partner and I have been talking for several months about relocating out west.

On New Year's day I spoke to my friend in Washington state and talked to her about moving out there. I should be hearing something back from her tomorrow. My ex lives in Los Angeles California and has told me that I can move out there with him. So, here I sit wondering what I should do. Money is tight for me being paid just once a month, but my experience here in Daytona Beach has been less than stellar.

I have never lived in a place where so many people steal from one another. Even in Atlanta where people are constantly moving in and out because of job transfers have I experienced as many thieves. So even though I could probably get a new place here. I feel like life is pulling me in another direction.

Yesterday I was telling you about my partner losing his grandmother and that certainly is one thing that is weighing heavily on my mind. Another is my friend being arrested last night, I am staying with her mother and I really want to make sure that she is taken care of and not left without help or alone.

So what is a person supposed to do? Lord knows that I have my own health issues to think about as well as my own well being. Then, you have to add on my concern for my own parents that are in their 70's. My father is going to be fine my brother and step-mother will be there to take care of him. My my mother on the hand is not in the best of health. 2 years ago she lost the use of her legs and has become paralyzed from the waist down. She would love it if I came up to Pennsylvania to help take care her. The only problem with that is she wants me to come alone. But after almost 3 years being together I just can't up and leave my partner, especially when we aren't having problems.

Now, a couple of months ago when I was so sick and him and I were breaking up every other day it might have been an option for me.  So what are my thoughts on this relocation plan? California is rather expensive compared to where I am living in Florida. But, having lived in Hollywood, I think that it would be some place I could see myself settling down in. But on the other hand I have heard that Seattle is a beautiful place and I have always wanted to go out there and see how it works for me and my health issues. The only drawback that I can see with that is I am no longer used to the cold. Seattle has a fall and winter that I have not had to experience since 2010 when I last stayed up in Pennsylvania. In 2014, I was in California and 2012 and 13 I was here in Florida. Now 2015 and 16 I was here as well.  I am leaning towards Washington state if the truth be told. I know that it is clear across the country from where I am currently living but I believe that it is time for a change and I believe that the time is also right.

Change is in the air and after the year I had I am truly ready to get out of this area.

May your 2017 be filled with joy and laughter. I will keep you informed as to what my decision finally turns out to be. You will also notice that now that 2017 has come my tag line has changed.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.
Live well, love much  and laugh often.

Uncle B

The New Year 2017

Well another year has passed me by, one that seemed to be less trouble than the years that have gone before. Oh how I wish that was true. But to my chagrin I spent so much of this past year in the hospital. There for awhile it seemed like I had a permanent residence right there in Florida Memorial Center.

2016 was a year that I am extremely glad to put behind me. It was a year that brought me in contact with the most unsavory of characters. People who would gladly claim they were your friend and then rob you blind. It was a year where I lost everything of value and taught me that things can get much worse then what they were. 

It was in 2016 that I turned 48, it was also the year that cancer decided to crop up in both my kidney and my lungs. When Halifax hospital turned me away and said that the cancer was too complex for them to handle and I was referred to the University of Florida hospital (Shands) for follow up and surgery. I also learned over again that I no longer want to do drugs anymore, that my life was worth more than a needle in my arm.

In 2016, I gave in to my suicidal nature and tried unsuccessfully to drug myself to an early grave.  I lost most of my good friends and became homeless. It became a time in my life for introspection and self evaluation which culminated in my decision that 2017 was going to be a time for change.  Daytona Beach is not the place that I want to stay much longer.

2017 rang in at midnight and I was safe at home reading a book and keeping to myself. My partner got out of jail Thursday December 29th, but he had no way to get in touch with me. I still haven't seen him and it is January 1st. I have talked with him and I have to say that December hasn't been nice to either of us. He just got out of jail on December 3rd he missed Thanksgiving then he was arrested on December 15th and missed Christmas. I spoke with him today via Facebook Messenger and found out that his grandmother had passed away on Thursday. I am sad that I am not there with him as he deals with this tragedy. But, he really hasn't tried to get out to where I am staying. I have told him that I am here for him if he needs me

This first day of the New Year has already turned out to be not so hot. I am thinking that it maybe one of those slow burn types of situations where everything just starts out but gets better as it goes along. Here's keeping my fingers crossed for that one. So let me tell you how 2017 has started for me. I spent time this afternoon with the family, told them of my upcoming trip to Gainesville to meet with the surgical and urological teams at Shands, how from this meeting a plan of care will be developed and surgery planned. Then I came back to the place I was staying took a little nap, read a book for awhile then the police came. Tonight was the night that they came and took my friend Lisa away. She had been trying to stay under the radar, but apparently they were looking for her and decided tonight was the night.

I feel bad for Ms. Millie to have to watch her daughter be taken out of the house and off to jail. Then she called and said that she thought that I had something to do with her being arrested. It makes me feel even worse that Lisa thinks that I had something to do with her getting arrested, she said while speaking to her mother that someone called on her. Told Ms. Millie to not trust me, and I have been the only one who has been trying to help out buying food and trying to make sure that Ms. Millie has been taken care of.

So 2017 may be off to a rocky start but surely it will start to get better for everyone.

I hope your 2017 is going good, no great, for you and your family.  May all your resolutions be fulfilled and your dreams be realized Happy New Year my friends.

God bless you and keep you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Perfectly clear? Or is it!

The answer are starring me right in the face and so why do I feel guilty and hesitant? How many times do I have to be pushed around kicked around and have my things broken? Before I say enough is enough?  For years I didn't know how to express how I was feeling. This became a real problem, because I was holding everything in, the littlest things would become issues and i would blow up and most of the time I would vent my anger on the wrong person.  So, I worked hard and eventually I was able to tell people how i felt, but like everything I do I ended up over compensating which also led to problems.  Because now i can tell you how I am feeling, so divorcing the logic center of the brain I allowed my life ti be ruled by my emotions.  Much to my dismay I have found that all thid did was allow others to walk all over me and hirt me.

Yet, I have finally reached my breaking point. In my 20's and 30's I had trust issues.  I let very few people close to me. I always expected that they would steal and eventually they would up hurting me very similar to my fears. Then somewhere around 38 I got really sick. I ended up losing my gall bladder and 1/2 of my stomach and my outlook on life began to shift. I began to feel that life is so very short and fleeting and I struggled to leave the past in the past and to live in the moment. This triggered another seeeping change I went from trustinh no one to give everyone the benefit of while searching for the goodness of human nature. Unfortunately only about 70 percent actually show human kindness and compassion.  The other 30 percent has hidden agendas and lives by falsehood and trickery. I'm always disappointed when I put my faith in to someone only to have them hurt me and reveal their inner nature. I have rationalized and lied to myself so convincingly that I honestly do expect them to change and then I feel even more violated and betrayed, yet the person themselves hasn't done anything wrong other than being themselves.

Now, combine these issues with the full empathy the it doesn't seem so much a gift more so a curse. Being able to read another persons emotional state does nothing to reveal their agendas, intentions or motivations. Sometimes these glimpses of anothers emotions so greatly masks deadly actions. I am once again working on myself trying to reach a happy middle ground between the two extremes. It is never too late to improve yourself.  If you are like me and have been hurt so many times you owe it to yourself to embrace the future strive to make the necessary changes that are going to protect you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

2016 It's a brand new start

I have been struggling for days trying to figure out how to explain what it is that I want to tell you about this new year.  It s important to put away old things and move forward into the new year. You have been given a new start a fresh beginning,  a clean slate if you will.  This new year is full of potential,  change is coming to all of us.

Some of these changes are going to be wide sweeping and can alter your entire being and lifestyle.  New jobs, opportunity to help others and to fulfil many desires you had for a long time. Subtle energies are at work in your life now that require adherence to their flow. If you want the big changes to occur you have to go through many minor changes before they can actually experience the really big ones.

It maybe asked of you to move on and leave some of the people you know behind.  Which is what I meant about putting old things away.  We have entered a new age. We have entered the age of Aquarius, which means a time of transition and improvement. As you meditate upon your past and are struggling with your immediate present you have to ensure that the past isn't holding you back.

It is impossible to move forward and make progress when you are constantly looking over your shoulder and holding on to the past.  Religion is constantly telling us that we need to live every day one day at a time. Faith is needed for our deepest desires to come true. But here is the truth behind all of that. God provides us with all of our needs and tells us that He will continue to help those that help themselves. To me that means you can't sit around and wait for things to come to you. You have to put in effort and work.  Stuff isn't just going to fall into your lap.

As the year unfolds before you keep an open mind and faithful in your prayers. Keep ever in your mind that change is coming for you and your whole situation is going to change. This new found momentum  will carry through the entire year as long as you continually give thanks.  The last thing that I want to leave you with is this. As good things come to you be sure to do things and help others. As long as you do your forward journey will continued unhindered and you will have a feeling of fulfillment and contentment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Is dimensional travel possible? Open your mind and the rest will follow!"

What is mad?  crazy, insane, without conscious purpose, truly an anomaly.  Mad is a state mind, a journey to the outer limits of conscious reality.  Some say that insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over again expecting a different result.  But what if I tell you that mad, insane, crazy, are all dimensions that the mind can travel.  Free yourself from the restrictions of your conscious self and you can travel there.  Suppress the subconscious and see where you can go.  Other planes of reality are available for you to travel.  Rod Serling once said that it was a journey through sight and sound and a journey to the farther limits of the mind is where the twilight zone resides.

Yet, in America the term mad can refer to an emotion of anger, or refer to a state of mind such as crazy.  So what is right?  Maybe both of these can coexist and be essentially correct. What if I told you that dimensional travel can be accomplished by taking a journey into the depths of your own imagination.  Maybe even time travel could be accomplished by casting your sight and concentration inward because I am convinced that all knowledge has been handed down to each of us from the beginning of time, all because Eve ate from that forbidden fruit.

Indulge me for just a moment to see if you can understand how I have arrived at this conclusion.  Follow me backward in time to the Garden of Eden, the knowledge of good and evil was given to both Eve and Adam through biting the forbidden fruit.  Therefore if all knowledge was given to Eve, it would be easy for that information to be transferred to her offspring through the birth process.  Today scientist debate nature versus nurture, and what is instinctually passed from parent to child.  Let me further expand this conversation by saying that they spark of life that was breathed into man is part of the Divine, and thus is the part of God, that is passed on to each of us.  Some believe that this is the basis for consciousness and self-awareness, it is that very spark of divinity that allows us to access that knowledge.  I have even heard that mystics and seers call this supernatural database of knowledge as the "Akashic Records".   So, if the knowledge and information is passed down via our direct heritage from Adam and Eve it would be accessible by anyone born today.

I heard a song once that said "Free your mind and the rest will follow" which gives us the basic instructions on how to access this hidden knowledge.  Or if you would like allows individuals to access the cosmic database of all thought or knowledge that has come before us and that will come after us.  Every concept that the human mind can conceive either now or in the future is housed in the Akashic Records.  Therefore, if all knowledge is accessible wouldn't it stand to reason that dimensional travel could also be accomplished in a similar fashion.  I have studied extensively western metaphysics and mysticism and I know that astral projection is possible, and has a well documented history.  It is my belief that dimensional travel and possibly even time travel can be accomplished via astral projection.

Now you might be thinking that I am "Mad" or "Insane" or even "Crazy" by believing like this, but my basis for this information is firmly rooted in Christianity and the Bible.  When John was writing about his visions and dreams in Revelations it is my belief that he actually visited the distant future and witnessed and saw first hand the tragedy and possibly even experienced what he later called "Revelations".  Here is what Google defines Revelation as:  a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. Or the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.

Looking at this definition of Revelation you can begin to see what I am talking about.  In the ancient world the descriptions that unfold in the book of Revelations in the Bible would not have made much sense to the people of the day, and maybe that is why John's work was so ill received at the time.  But in today's context we can see some of the signs and portents that were predicted there coming to fruition today.

But the way that John got his information was not relayed to the reader in words other than "I saw" or "It became known to me"  this seems to me that it meant that he actually either saw physically with his own eyes, or experienced what was to come personally.  Those that we deem mentally unstable, or crazy may in fact be nothing more than closer in tuned with the spiritual than we would feel comfortable with them being.  That person walking down the street talking to themselves may in fact be talking to someone or something that we cannot see or fathom in our own limited understanding of the world and the happenings around us.  Who is to say that person isn't talking to a being from another dimension or to an Angel or even God Himself?

No where in my readings of the Bible explain why the ancients had direct access to God and we don't.  I believe that God does exist and to those that have looked upon His face and seen His glory may be seen as touched or crazy by the standards we have in place today.  The angels still walk the earth, we may not be able to see them anymore because we are locked into our conscious mind and have never learned how to suppress our subconscious.  Throughout history there have been born prodigies that seemed to possess knowledge greater than their education or our understanding and have brought incredible inventions and music and art work into our world.  Maybe these individuals have a unique access to the Akashic Records or have been born with understanding of the knowledge that was passed down through the ages through the divine link.

Keep an open mind, look deep inside of your own mind and explore the further reaches, and see what you come up with. I think you might be surprised that there is a wealth of knowledge at your disposal and you haven't even accessed it yet.  Journey down the road that the philosophers have taken before you and see what you come up with.  I think that all things that the mind can believe and come up with we as individuals can achieve.  It is up to you and how you approach the world. Maybe the final frontier that we need to explore isn't outside of our world but right here in our own mind.  Dimensional and time travel maybe something that once was achieved and forgotten by our earliest ancestors.  If there was a legendary advanced civilization known as Atlantis and Lemuria, it stands to reason that they would have thought of these concepts and have mastered them.

I was taught a great deal about the Island of Lemuria by a good friend that is no longer with us, Jane Ann Dow.   Atlantis and Lemuria were two halves of the same civilization, Atlantis followed science and logic, Lemuria followed the path of metaphysics and spiritualism.  It goes without saying that when their continent was destroyed and disappeared from the face of the earth that the knowledge and understanding as well as spiritual enlightenment that they had achieved also vanished with them.  However, the social consciousness of humanity as a whole has been increasing with leaps and bounds and I honestly believe that we are on the cusp of something spectacular.  If you believe the prophecies of Revelations then we are headed for the second coming of Jesus and the end of our world as we know it.  But what if what was written in Revelations was about an ending to the way that we are living now and the dawn of a whole new era of history one that we cannot even fathom.  Where the spiritual is followed by the majority and a whole paradigm shift takes place and we become as enlightened and as advanced as the Atlantians and the Lemurians.

Wouldn't that be something and our minds are opened to a new realm of possibilities and the blinders from our eyes are taken away.

Please do me a huge favor and open your mind to new possibilities and ideas.  Look deep within yourself and see if you can't find answers to your most basic questions.  Because once you start on that path I think you will see that it becomes more natural for you.   I at least hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and ideas and hopefully you will not judge to quickly or harshly those around you and might experience the joy and wonder of true enlightenment and a closer walk with God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A fine line between love and hate

I know each of you have heard the old saying that there is a fine line between love and hate, but do you know exactly what this saying means?  I have watched a friend of mine time and time again go back to the man that disrespects, abuses, and cheats on her.  Now, I can understand her desire to keep her family together, she does have 3 children by this man.  But when the children witness the abuse that she suffers time and again. What point do you reach the point that enough is enough.  I have talked to her about her relationship and she told me that she would know when she has reached that point.

It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy.  What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away.  However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well.  What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands?  I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.

In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me.  I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me.  I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away.  I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.

In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence.  Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about.  By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up.  So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships.  I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.

I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in.  I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too.  I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet.  But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.

One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly.  The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways.  Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions.  For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible.  They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible.  Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish.   This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong  feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship.  Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son.  It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it.  Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it.  Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal.  This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.

Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler.  In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms.  Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower.  In other entries I have talked a good deal about love.  But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love.  What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating.  It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate.  If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.

Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well.  If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you.  Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional.  Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware.  I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored.  However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.

Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms.  Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices.  Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they.  Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with.  You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return.  Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself.  If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you.  Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.

Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too.  They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them.  You are important,  you are unique, and you deserve the best.

As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children.  No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.

Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy?  Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner?  If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses  and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I used to look forward to the weekends....what happened?

Hey there my friends...I was thinking about this over the weekend and I realized that as I have gotten older I don't really look forward to the weekends any more and it got me to thinking about what had changed and why I feel such a difference today about weekends.  Another thing that has also changed is my perception of time.  I think one of the reasons why when I was younger that I looked forward to the weekends was because I was because school took up so much of my time when I was younger.  I am not sure why or how my perception changed but it did.  Time seems to have speeded up the older I have gotten, and there never seems to be enough time in my day now.

Think about it this way when you were in high school you had enough time to get your homework done and still go out and do things with your friends. Now, what has changed? The length of the day hasn't changed, there is still 24 hours in a day.  You usually spent 8 hours in school and you usually work an 8 hour shift at work.  Yet, you don't seem to have enough time to do everything you need to do.  So do you know what has changed? Your brain has changed your perspective.  Time its self hasn't changed you have.  As you age you feel and experience time differently.  As your mind matures you start focusing on different aspects of life than you did when you were a youth.  An adult worries and thier brains are perceive time differently.

I assure you when you get older time will seem to speed up and you will be surprised to find that your days and months seem to fly by.  You may wonder why that is from time to time, but it is because you are focused on bills, work and family and not on yourself and the things that you need to accomplish such as homework.  Adults have so many things that they have going on that they have to divide and spend time on each item.  We learn and use time management skills to deal with the myriad of responsibilites that we have to deal with.  As we get older our minds look and experience time differently.

Now, I dread weekends and the reason why is because I have so many things on my mind that I have to do and weekends throw my life out of wack.  Businesses are closed and I can't get things done like I can during the week.  Weekends used to represent free time and going out to the clubs and having fun.  But today I have too many bills and tasks that I am needing to get done and the lack of money to go out.  Once upon a time I loved hanging out at clubs and drinking. But as I got older I lost the desire to go out all the time and luckily I found someone who isn't a bar fly.

For some reason I look forward to the end of the weekend so that I can get back to the work week so that I can handle business and doctors appointments.  Especially now that I have become disabled. Maybe the reason why I dread weekends is because I can't get my medical stuff accomplished.  Also because they represent boring long days with nothing for me to do.  However, I bet if I had the resources to go out and do things my perspective might change how I feel about them.

Another thing that has come to my attention is that as we age our priorities tend to change and we look at things differently than we did before when we were children.  Now that doesn't mean that we cannot have a childlike mentality or even be childlike in our behavior.  Once we reach our teenage years everyone of us wishes that we are older and we often express a desire to grow up faster than we are.  Yet, each of us looks back at our lives at some point and wish that we had done things a little different. Or we wished that we had the knowledge that we have now back when we were younger.  It is true that we have to face the consequences of our actions and choices.  It is also true that the experiences we have and the paths that we have taken have molded us into the people we are today.

It is my belief that as we grow older and our responsibilites change and we experience more of life we look at things from the bias that we have gotten or the filters that were created by the choices we have made.  I also think that where we are at in life also plays a part in how we judge and look at things.  Just because I dread weekends doesn't mean you will when you get to be my age. Honestly I think if I were still healthy and had the same job or equivalent position making the same or better money than I was before my idea of weekends would be totally different.

Therefore to answer my question what happened to make me dislike weekends, I woudl ahve to say that it is because of my lack of resources and my financial situation. My health also plays a big part of how I feel and look at things today.  Please remember that you can change your perspective and look at things from a different angle and it could turn your life totally around.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B