Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Perfectly clear? Or is it!

The answer are starring me right in the face and so why do I feel guilty and hesitant? How many times do I have to be pushed around kicked around and have my things broken? Before I say enough is enough?  For years I didn't know how to express how I was feeling. This became a real problem, because I was holding everything in, the littlest things would become issues and i would blow up and most of the time I would vent my anger on the wrong person.  So, I worked hard and eventually I was able to tell people how i felt, but like everything I do I ended up over compensating which also led to problems.  Because now i can tell you how I am feeling, so divorcing the logic center of the brain I allowed my life ti be ruled by my emotions.  Much to my dismay I have found that all thid did was allow others to walk all over me and hirt me.

Yet, I have finally reached my breaking point. In my 20's and 30's I had trust issues.  I let very few people close to me. I always expected that they would steal and eventually they would up hurting me very similar to my fears. Then somewhere around 38 I got really sick. I ended up losing my gall bladder and 1/2 of my stomach and my outlook on life began to shift. I began to feel that life is so very short and fleeting and I struggled to leave the past in the past and to live in the moment. This triggered another seeeping change I went from trustinh no one to give everyone the benefit of while searching for the goodness of human nature. Unfortunately only about 70 percent actually show human kindness and compassion.  The other 30 percent has hidden agendas and lives by falsehood and trickery. I'm always disappointed when I put my faith in to someone only to have them hurt me and reveal their inner nature. I have rationalized and lied to myself so convincingly that I honestly do expect them to change and then I feel even more violated and betrayed, yet the person themselves hasn't done anything wrong other than being themselves.

Now, combine these issues with the full empathy the it doesn't seem so much a gift more so a curse. Being able to read another persons emotional state does nothing to reveal their agendas, intentions or motivations. Sometimes these glimpses of anothers emotions so greatly masks deadly actions. I am once again working on myself trying to reach a happy middle ground between the two extremes. It is never too late to improve yourself.  If you are like me and have been hurt so many times you owe it to yourself to embrace the future strive to make the necessary changes that are going to protect you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B