Welcome to Spring the time of Earth's renewal. I wanted to write a poem but my heart wasn't in it tonight. So I thought that we would just have a little chat, just you and me. There is so much happening right now, my head is spinning and I don't seem to have the traction I should have to move forward at a steady pace. It seems like I am constantly running to this doctor or that doctor, but I know it is just for now. Nothing last forever and this health scare will be over before you know it and something else will be pulling me in a new direction.
But as winter has lost it's hold on the world and the days have gotten longer, the temperatures have gotten warmer, things don't seem to be as grey and bleak as they did just a few months ago. The air is full of sounds of nature breaking from it's long slumberr, and I wake every morning to the songs of birds. All of this brightens my tired and weary soul. I love the smell of all the fresh new growth and the brilliant colors of all the new growth, and I know in my heart that nothing is going to hold me down.
Spring is a transitional time and as I told you I feel that change is inevitable for all of us. With spring comes all sorts of new opportunities and the world unfolds before us with endlless possiblities. I don't fear what these doctors are saying because like the earth my body is also going through a period of renewal. I am looking forward to taking time iin just a few months from now and traveling up to Pennsylvania to see my family. Too much time has gone by and I haven't seen or talked to many of them in years, and I think it is time.
As the air becomes lighter and the fragrances of new life flows all around, I life my head to the sky and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and know that I have been so highly favored and blessed. I have been so very lucky to have had a few good people who stood by me and helped me through the dark days of illness. I want them to know that everything that you did for me and meant to me didn't go unnoticed and certainly was appreciated. Each and everyone of you has been a part of my support network and without your prayers and valiant efforts I probably wouldn't be here still today. So Thank You! I love you with all of my heart. I know there are a couple of you that I no longer talk to, I hope that life has been treating you kindly and that you have found the happiness that you were seeking.
The lessons that I have had to learn, the time I needed to grow and mature were necessary for me to get to where I am today. I am sorry that we lost each other along the way. But, it finally dawned on me that we learned from each other and our time was up and we had to move on, but I have never forgotten you. I think about you often, if you don't think of me that is cool, I certainly understand there was stress and tension and as with all growth a certain element of pain.
With the days warmer my pulse has gotten stronger, I feel the need to be out in nature and see new things. I have finally put away the selfish desires and I embrace each new morning with a clean slate. I live in the moment and celebrate life, I no longer dwell on the past, and I have learned how to let go of the stress. I love spring because as the earth renews so does my heart and my spirit.
With a song in my heart and joy and happiness in my mind I walk forward from this day to the next with a renewed sense of self, with a brand new purpose and goal for what is coming next.
You don't know how long it took me to learn that strenght and happiness are something that is found within. That self confidence and self esteem are attributes that are better off demonstrated and that life is too short and fleeting to worry about what other people think about me. Nothing they do impacts me or my life in any way so why should I let their opinion get to me?
In 2004 my roller coaster health journey took off in high gear, and has been a long and tiring ride. But honestly I don't know what my life would have been had I not had to go through everything that I have. It wasn't my lot in life to have perfect health like my father and brother. I wasn't that fortunate. But, i gained so many other insights that I might not have learned any other way. This journey has taught me a deeper understanding of my spirit, my heart, my mind all of this has created the person who is here writing to you tonight. I would have never learned how to experience life to the fullest and live in the moment, I would still be carrying around the baggage from my past. Carrying that stuff kept my hands full and I couldn't pick up new things and I missed out on so much. It also taught me that If I kept looking backward, how in the world could I move forward, all I was doing was stumbling around.
I can't say that i would wish my journey on anyone else because I really wouldn't. It was difficult for me, but I knew that i wasn't going to be given anything that i couldn't bear. The Bible promises that we will never be given more than we can handle. But, I also learned that God will never give us more than we can bear for any longer than we can stand. Issues come and go, they never last forever, and that is because God is watching out for us.
To Joe, Sterling, David, John, Alan, Sa'Corey, and all the others that were so instrumental in helping me get through the long hard days of cancer, HIV and everything else. I wish that things were different and that you all were here with me and still a part of my daily life. Like I said earlier, I am so thankful that you were brought into my life and were there for me when I needed you most. You are missed terribly, but I am thankful for all that I have learned from you and I hope that you learned something from me in return.
To my family in Pennsylvania, I am so sorry that we drifted so far apart. You are always in my heart, thought and mind. I am sorry if I have disappointed you, but Grammy gave me a piece of advice that I have tried to live daily, to be myself and to be true to my heart and feelings. She told me that it made me special and that because my heart was so big that I would help a lot of people and would change the world one person at a time. Not a day goes by that I don't miss Grammy. She knew me way before I knew myself and accepted me and loved me for who I was and who she knew i would become. One day I hope that you will see that I am still the boy that you grew up with.
It is time for the renewal of the Earth. It is also the time to renew ourselves. Be honest with yourself, love yourself, do what makes you happy, and everything else will fall away and you will feel an inner growth and peace that is so worth it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,