Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Love is?

Love is not about sparks or electricity, it is a feeling of being complete when you are with the one you care about.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Giving back or Paying it forward what does this mean?

It is easy to see around Christmas time that the spirit of giving and love is in the air.  But, what is the cause? It isn't because we have any more money then usual as a matter of fact Christmas time is when most of us go into some minor or major debt buying gifts for friends, family and loved ones.  Sunday my step mother and I were at Walmart, she had 4 or 5 little items, she set them down on the conveyor and was wrung up.  Before she could swipe her debit card the man in front of her told her to stop, he was paying for her groceries.  As I walked down the front of the store and past 2 other registers friends of this man was doing the same thing.  I went outside to smoke a cigarette and was surprised at how many people came out of the store with the Spirit of Christmas that they didn't have before they went into the store.  As they were all walking out they were all talking about the men paying for their stuff and saying Merry Christmas.

Now that is one way of paying it forward, and I am sure that it was contagious and the next person would pay for the person behind them because they now had extra money that they didn't think they would have.  Either that or they put the money in the Salvation Army cam outside the door with Santa Claus.  No matter what you do paying it forward not only benefits you it benefits another person.  I know we have discussed this subject before, but something is telling me that tonight is the night it needs to be rehashed. When you give of yourself, money, time, attention and love you will receive it back ten fold.  It is called the law of returns.  Remember that in the ethereal plane like energy attracts like. Positive attracts positive and Negative attracts negative.

I honestly the giving back and paying it forward are similar in nature could possibly be the same thing. By going to the nursing home each week I feel a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in seeing my friends that are patients there and others that work there.  They tell me that my positive energy and bubbly personality add life and character to the home when I am there. I take the time to walk through all the wards and say hi to everyone.  It is amazing that everyone in there knows my name and who I am by sight.  I talk to my friends Sue and Mark on the phone, and usually tell them what day and time I would be there to visit. My visits aren't for personal gain, the reason for my visits was because I know how it felt to be in there without anyone coming to visit.  Not having anyone come and break the monotony of the day.  How the boredom and daily schedule make the days blur together and begin to feel like you are in jail.  So I go back and visit my friends and those that have no family or visitors come to see them.  I love to see their smiles when I come in and hug them.

One person that I see every week is Miss Ruby Miller, she was my neighbor when I was a  patient there. She came into the ward after I had gotten there.  At first her family, son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit her almost every day.  But as the months have moved on her visits have become less and less.  As of this month I have been her only visitor, and I make sure that I stop by and visit with her. This afternoon she told the nurses at the nurses station that I am the only one that comes in and says Hi to her on the regular. I do understand that life must go on and that people have jobs, responsibilities and things to do, but it is hard on those in the nursing home because they only see the same people that work there day in and day out. They don't think about the work schedules, school schedules, after school activities, etc.  And in Miss Ruby Miller's case she has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember things like a normal person. Yet, every time I see her, she remembers my face and my name and tells me hi.  I give her my hug and tell her how good she is looking, which is so true.  She looks so much better than when she got there and she seems to be able to get around a whole lot better too.

But why am I talking about this subject now? What does it have to do with each and everyone of you?  Why would I talk about this so close to Christmas?  Well, the truth of the matter, most of the time people only get joyous and social around Christmas and that is when they think about doing for other instead of themselves and I am hoping that maybe we could change that because there are lonely people out there, there are shut-ins, there are elderly and so many others that we could and should take time to visit with, let them know that we love them and appreciate them.  No one wants to wither away and die unloved and unnoticed.  Please I am begging you to Pay it forward or Give back some of your time throughout this year.  See what joy it brings to the faces of those you visit and the joy it brings to your heart and soul.  Every day of every year should be like Christmas Time where we feel full of love, joy, laughter and hope, where we think of others before ourselves and take the time to enjoy our friends and family and loved ones.  It doesn't have to be one time a year.  It can be all year long.  Just try it and see!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sunday, December 21, 2014

What is the Christmas Spirit all about?

After watching the Librarians tonight on TNT I began to really understand the power and spirit of Christmas.  Saint Nick's power comes from all around the world. He collects that magical moments and love that are displayed throughout the whole year and at Christmas time when the spirit is the lowest and despair creeps in Saint Nick travels the world and delivers love, hope, faith and anything else that is needed.

Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth.  It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live.  All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.

People don't understand me.  They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope.  I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could.  I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible.  I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.

No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can.  It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed.  I have  been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth.  I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go.  My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on.   I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth.  Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready.  I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.

He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be.  He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life.  My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew.  His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son.  He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life.  He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him.  He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.

So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas?  Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick?  No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given.  Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him.  God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers.  I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week.  I am saddened by the loss.  Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.

So why am I talking about this?  What does it have to do with Christmas spirit.  Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again.  I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit.  You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind.  I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them.  There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.

As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday.  I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.

Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them.  We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes.  Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them.  Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above.  Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better.  Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better.  I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships.  But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards.  The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.

Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself.  You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.

Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him.  He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was.  He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches.  None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.

My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone.  I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.

Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is.  Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it.  You become part of it by being invited in  by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family.  Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both.  My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part.  He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own.  My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is.  It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world.  A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil.  We are balancers of the between the two.  A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus.  We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.

So there you have it.

What is the Christmas Spirit all about?  Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year.  Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.

As always you hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life Rarely turns out as planned

Being a Sagittarius I should know all about the dangers of planning because no matter how much work or preparation I put into things they never ever go as planned.  I can use this move as a prime example of what I am talking about and then take you even further into the discussion.  I paid the deposit on my place and was told I could move in right away.  The place came furnished to a degree, but I had my own stuff in my parents garage, and wanted my own stuff in the apartment.

The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place.  I think that is where I am eventually going to end up.  But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started.  So I am here for at least another 6 months or so.  Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments.  So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona.  Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.

Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge.  I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move.  Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned.  My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception.  Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan.  Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.

Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get.  I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles.  I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write.  But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona.  It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful.  It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan.  My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there.  But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.

Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober.  But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something  would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance.  I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast.  I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry.  He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high.  I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out.  But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned.  I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.

Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off.  I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me.  He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off.  Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about.  Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together.  Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay.  He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes.  I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better.  So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself.  I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him.  He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself.  I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.

Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look  back at the journey we have taken.  I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out.  Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to.  Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be.  I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted.  But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever.  I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived.  This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every  move and situation that I would find myself in.  Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona.  As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction.  My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions.  It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain.  I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to.  I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors.  I rather take my chances with God.  See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.

I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.

See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Oh moon shining Bright!

The sky is dark the stars are bright,
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.

Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,

Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,

For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.

I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed

Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded

Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today

Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.

Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!

I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end

I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour

Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see

He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.

In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind

blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught

Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.

You are a shining star
You know who you are

Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark

Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.

I love you man!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sea The Mist

Sea the mist was rolling in from the sea as I walked along the beach
sight obscured, buildings hidden, I felt as if I were walking through Eden
everything expose with nothing hidden and I wandered where I was forbidden.
Sea this Mist not prepared me for all of this, eyes shrouded became so very clouded
but the longer I walked the deeper my thoughts became
nothing was ever going to be the same
It was then I noticed that the veil across my heart and soul were being shifted.
like a  very heavy weight was being lifted.
Sea the Mist as I wandered down the sand this story is for every man who I have dated
those of you who never waited, always taking and cheating
and yet you wonder why my temper was always heating.
I wondered if I would have learned the secrets in your heart had you not been caught.
I am wondering if your friendship and your kindness wasn't bought.
Because you ran and like the grains of sand it hurt and irritated,
but I guess that's what happens when life becomes so segregated.
Sea the Mist thru the shining sun. Even it couldn't pierce the drifting fog and though I walked on and on.
I am not so sure where my prayers and tears had gone.
It is here in the Mist I see the stories and fabrications you sold, always hiding what you truly wanted. I guess it wasn't in the cards and was up to fate like I had drawn from lots
with all your lies and plots.
My heart wasn't a game to be played, yet a player you became
always wanting but never actually achieving fame.
Sea in the Mist life wasn't worth living in the past, and that is where you are, I'm not sure but because you couldn't change we drifted far apart. I often wonder why you couldn't see how you made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Clouds and light drifting by and still I am wondering why? I honestly don't believe you even wanted
to try and you ignored my pleas and my cry.
Why oh why didn't you come when I needed you? You turned your back and walked away
I never thought we would end this way
I guess everyone was right and you just stayed because it was easy and now I look back and
feel that your actions were very sleazy.
I saw it all so clear, here in the mist My beginning, my middle and my end
here it is that I will pass and all that will remain of me is a pile of ash.
I have given love so many times, sometime return most often not
yet it hasn't stop me or deterred me or even made me hot.
In this mist I see so clear what I held so dear was never very clear
Yet in the end I will begin again or so I believe
You see energy is never ever truly destroy it can be harnessed, manipulated even changed but
it truly never goes away, so you see my dears all of you who came and went
I will be watching over you  just you wait and see. Though you won't be able to see or hear me
I will be there and everywhere just you wait and see.
In every song you hear, every once in awhile just a memory or a thought
will hold me to this earth because here I am caught.
As much as I would like, I cannot stay any longer, my fight is finally over
not a wish, a pray or even a 4 leave clover can change this fact.
Sea the mist it signals the end. Not even the sun can burn it away
why oh why did it have to come today
I wanted more time to fix what was broke but I knew the answer the minute the doctor spoke
the kidneys have failed the liver too, treatment was too late
No more worries, no more tear will take away this fate.
Over and over I tried to say all that was in my heart today
Yet there wasn't any way.
Sea the Mist watch it come taking me from one place to home
I guess it is time for me to roam alone.
Sea that Mist and watch it come for I alone am it's only claim
I don't hold anyone to blame.
Its all on me can't you see. My fight gone on so long too much damage has been done
radiation, chemo too, and now this infection, trust me it wasn't fun
Wait and see I will be in the sun, on the wind and in those songs
say good-bye and let go of all the wrongs
Forgive is for yourself and no one else it helps you to move on to get closure
Just let go and give God a full disclosure.
Sea the Mist and follow my final wish


46 and counting! What a blessing!

That's right another year has passed and I am still here.  Not for my lack of trying you understand.  Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know.  But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive.  I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me.  I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar.  But here I am.  I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive.  All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you.  But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe.  But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people.  You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents.  Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me.  I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring.  Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you.  I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.

There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not.  But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today.  Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated.  Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through.  Thank you for coming along on the journey with me.  Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.

This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it.  Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is.  But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age.  I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger.  No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek.  I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder.  A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters.  I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending.  I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective.  Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating.  What can you say to the man who has done it all?

If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring.  Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends.  Those who truly know me, will never forget me.  Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around.  They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky.  To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires.  I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing.  He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?

I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things.  I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left.  But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth.  But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye.  Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me.  I was emerging and really being seen.  I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.

As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me.  As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me.  I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.

Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return.  I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance.  For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I  feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but  I am living proof that it can and does.

So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God.  I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life.  Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next.  Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end.  Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The central nervous system and back pain aren't a joke

For those of you who have never experienced any type of back pain, you are very lucky.  I will never again think that people who complain about their back hurting aren't in some serious pain. Because back pain is the worst kind of pain that you can experience.  My mother when I was growing up would always complain that her back hurt, that it was always going out.  Honestly, back then I didn't know anything about it, and I sort of just shrugged it off.  She is now 68 years young and almost 2 years ago now she was going into a store. It was cold out they had just had a hard freeze where she lives.  As she was entering the store she slid on a patch of ice and went down.  She wasn't able to get back up and an ambulance had to be called.  That was the last time my mother was able to feel her leg, feet, ankles or anything else from the waist down.  She like many other people in the nation had developed an infection in her back.  She was actually in the hospital for almost a month before they did an MRI and what they found surprised everyone.  They found a huge mass in her back that was threatening her spinal cord.  They decided to go in and do a biopsy, but this was not a mass or a tumor in the traditional sense.  This turned out to be an abscess a huge collection of fluid that was weighing down and pressing on her spinal cord.  When the doctors went in to do a biopsy the abscess actually ruptured and my mother body was exposed to the fluid and puss that drained from that abscess.  Try as they may the doctors worked feverishly to was this fluid from her body.  The process is call assuage and it is very dangerous.  What ended up happening is that her leg nerve cluster was nicked in the process and she lost control of her legs.  This wasn't even found out till she was in a rehabilitation center for almost 3 months without any type of improvement.  So the doctors opted to go back in and see what was wrong and why she wasn't healing as planned.  Long story short they should have left the situation alone, because as they went in this second time they ended up damaging her spinal cord and now she has no feeling from the waist down and is now confined to a wheelchair.

No one knows or understand why an abscess formed in a closed cavity like that when there had been no recent trauma or invasive procedure. It was just something that happened and now after being in a nursing/rehab center for over 9 months she is finally home.  Coping as well as she can with her new found limitations.  She still suffers from pain in her feet, legs and back.  I speak with her everyday and even time hasn't lessened the pain she has been suffering.  With the damage done, a permanence to the situation has occurred and other things are starting to suffer because of it.  Her feet, since they are not used regularly are weakening and the ligaments and tendons are starting to shrink causing the tremendous amounts of pain she is feeling in her extremities.  It will also make it impossible for her to recover and walk like a normal person.  Even if she opted for some type of surgery at this point it would be ineffective due to her movement limitations.  This is a situation that may have been prevented if years ago I had paid attention to the pain that she had been feeling when I was in high school.  I remember an incident that happened when I was in my senior year, she had fallen on the bathroom floor in her room and couldn't get up.  She refused to let anyone call my father or an ambulance and stayed laying on the floor for several days till she could get back up on her own.  Hindsight they tell me is 20/20 and that might have been the first time that her spinal cord was impacted and had she gone immediately to the doctors then what has happened to her might not have occurred but again that is just idle speculation at this point and something that cannot be changed.

You maybe wondering why I am writing about this and what happened to my mother, and what if anything it may have to do with you.  Well, see this incident is just one example of what can happen. For my mother there is nothing that can be done.  No amount of time and healing will change the fact that she has lost her independence and can no longer walk more than a few feet without some type of assistance, and she will never be able to drive again.  Further, if it wasn't for the wheel chair and leg braces and some other types of assistive devices she wouldn't be able to sit in a regular chair or get out of bed on her own. I am bringing this to your attention for several reasons.  What we often take for granted are actually signs that something is wrong. They are symptoms of a larger problem and if we ignore them we run the risk of them cropping up later and causing much more damage than if they were treated at the onset.  Modern medicine has a habit of treating the symptoms and not getting to the root cause and stop the symptoms.  It wasn't like that in my grandmothers time and people were getting healthier and living longer.  Today it is so much more easy to see a symptom and throw a pill at it and never look for what is causing the problem.  I know from first hand experience and I too will have to live the rest of my life with mistakes that were made not only in the past but some that just happened recently.  We will get into that in just a moment.

The reason why I am bringing all of this to you attention is because you never know what could happen to you.  Now, back in May I started having a slight pain in the middle of my back. I immediately went to the hospital.  X-rays were taken and I was seen by the ER doctor and sent home.  I was told that I had a back strain and given some pain medication and sent home.  My back instead of getting better started getting worse. I hurt all the time and stayed in bed a lot.  I went a total of 19 times from May till September when I was finally admitted to the hospital.  What was going on was not a minor sprain, I had a bacterial infection that was attacking my spinal column, vertebrae and my spinal cord.  I came very close to spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair.  I am angry with current medical establishment why throw pills and more pills at symptoms and never try and find the root cause of the issue?  Had they dug just a little deeper into my situation I might have saved myself countless hours in the hospital, nursing home and ER visits.  Not, to mention all the money that I had to pay out for all of these different things. Luckily my back is starting to heal itself to a certain degree. I will forever have this hump on my back but i think the pain will start to subside as the broken vertebrae start to fuse together.  I will also lose some of my maneuverability, but I am still alive, and though the odds were against me walking again. I vowed to myself that I would not stay in that chair and I forced myself to learn how to walk again, and within a short amount of time I was walking with a walker and now today I use a cane.

Because of how the bones started squeezing my spinal cord, I have lost strength in my left side, I started stumbling and started having convulsions and seizures.  Had the doctors taken the time to dig into my symptoms and searched for what was actually causing my pain the permanent damage that has been done to my body could have been avoided  Another, example I have for you is my best friends mother is having a lot of pain, problems speaking, as well as walking and getting around, her strength is sapped doing the smallest thing.  She went to a big local hospital and instead of going into detail testing they did an MRI and some neurological test and came back to her and told her they were sorry she has ALS or Lou Gherig's disease.  Boy, the back really isn't anything to play with. Come to find out she went to a chiropractor, who looked at her x-rays and told her that he thought that she had a extreme case of scoliosis and that was causing pressure on her spinal cord and that was what was causing her problems. For the past 2 month she has been getting chiropractic treatment and her body is responding well.

For all of medical science it is sad that they didn't look beyond the usual suspects and really do their job.  Now that she has been participating in chiropractic treatments she is starting to feel better and her motor skills seem to be improving.  Above all things I want you to walk away from this article with the wherewithal to challenge the doctors and nurses when they tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. Make them really look at you, listen to you and above else explore every option.   You know yourself better than anyone else. Do not be deterred make them look, listen and respond to your needs.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B