Wrong turns and uturns

For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character.  I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around.  I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened.  Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are.  My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.

Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover.  I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus.  I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place.  But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing.  I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time.  My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt.  He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.

I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings.  That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family.  Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.

How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process?  How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else?  I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him?  Am I a friend?  I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.

It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around.  My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns.  I  want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again.  I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.

I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me.  I have failed  before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves.  They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship.  Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of.  He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all.  I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.

I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return.  I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance.  However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away.  Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.

So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume.  So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly.  That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.

What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years.  I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path?  Am I going to always walk this path alone?  Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life.  For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.

Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for.  It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend.  But, it didn't happen and it won't.  I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.

So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again.  I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure.  Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.

I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend.  It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke.  He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.

Break that pattern before it breaks you.  Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events.  I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.

Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt.  I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again.  I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway.  So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.

I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Oh moon shining Bright!

The sky is dark the stars are bright,
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.

Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,

Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,

For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.

I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed

Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded

Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today

Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.

Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!

I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end

I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour

Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see

He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.

In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind

blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught

Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.

You are a shining star
You know who you are

Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark

Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.

I love you man!
-B

Sea The Mist

Sea the mist was rolling in from the sea as I walked along the beach
sight obscured, buildings hidden, I felt as if I were walking through Eden
everything expose with nothing hidden and I wandered where I was forbidden.
Sea this Mist not prepared me for all of this, eyes shrouded became so very clouded
but the longer I walked the deeper my thoughts became
nothing was ever going to be the same
It was then I noticed that the veil across my heart and soul were being shifted.
like a  very heavy weight was being lifted.
Sea the Mist as I wandered down the sand this story is for every man who I have dated
those of you who never waited, always taking and cheating
and yet you wonder why my temper was always heating.
I wondered if I would have learned the secrets in your heart had you not been caught.
I am wondering if your friendship and your kindness wasn't bought.
Because you ran and like the grains of sand it hurt and irritated,
but I guess that's what happens when life becomes so segregated.
Sea the Mist thru the shining sun. Even it couldn't pierce the drifting fog and though I walked on and on.
I am not so sure where my prayers and tears had gone.
It is here in the Mist I see the stories and fabrications you sold, always hiding what you truly wanted. I guess it wasn't in the cards and was up to fate like I had drawn from lots
with all your lies and plots.
My heart wasn't a game to be played, yet a player you became
always wanting but never actually achieving fame.
Sea in the Mist life wasn't worth living in the past, and that is where you are, I'm not sure but because you couldn't change we drifted far apart. I often wonder why you couldn't see how you made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Clouds and light drifting by and still I am wondering why? I honestly don't believe you even wanted
to try and you ignored my pleas and my cry.
Why oh why didn't you come when I needed you? You turned your back and walked away
I never thought we would end this way
I guess everyone was right and you just stayed because it was easy and now I look back and
feel that your actions were very sleazy.
I saw it all so clear, here in the mist My beginning, my middle and my end
here it is that I will pass and all that will remain of me is a pile of ash.
I have given love so many times, sometime return most often not
yet it hasn't stop me or deterred me or even made me hot.
In this mist I see so clear what I held so dear was never very clear
Yet in the end I will begin again or so I believe
You see energy is never ever truly destroy it can be harnessed, manipulated even changed but
it truly never goes away, so you see my dears all of you who came and went
I will be watching over you  just you wait and see. Though you won't be able to see or hear me
I will be there and everywhere just you wait and see.
In every song you hear, every once in awhile just a memory or a thought
will hold me to this earth because here I am caught.
As much as I would like, I cannot stay any longer, my fight is finally over
not a wish, a pray or even a 4 leave clover can change this fact.
Sea the mist it signals the end. Not even the sun can burn it away
why oh why did it have to come today
I wanted more time to fix what was broke but I knew the answer the minute the doctor spoke
the kidneys have failed the liver too, treatment was too late
No more worries, no more tear will take away this fate.
Over and over I tried to say all that was in my heart today
Yet there wasn't any way.
Sea the Mist watch it come taking me from one place to home
I guess it is time for me to roam alone.
Sea that Mist and watch it come for I alone am it's only claim
I don't hold anyone to blame.
Its all on me can't you see. My fight gone on so long too much damage has been done
radiation, chemo too, and now this infection, trust me it wasn't fun
Wait and see I will be in the sun, on the wind and in those songs
say good-bye and let go of all the wrongs
Forgive is for yourself and no one else it helps you to move on to get closure
Just let go and give God a full disclosure.
Sea the Mist and follow my final wish


-B