Friday, March 20, 2015

Wrong turns and uturns

For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character.  I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around.  I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened.  Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are.  My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.

Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover.  I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus.  I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place.  But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing.  I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time.  My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt.  He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.

I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings.  That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family.  Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.

How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process?  How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else?  I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him?  Am I a friend?  I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.

It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around.  My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns.  I  want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again.  I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.

I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me.  I have failed  before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves.  They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship.  Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of.  He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all.  I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.

I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return.  I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance.  However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away.  Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.

So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume.  So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly.  That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.

What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years.  I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path?  Am I going to always walk this path alone?  Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life.  For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.

Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for.  It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend.  But, it didn't happen and it won't.  I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.

So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again.  I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure.  Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.

I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend.  It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke.  He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.

Break that pattern before it breaks you.  Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events.  I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.

Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt.  I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again.  I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway.  So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.

I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B