Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Trust is a Must No Negotiation

Friends we have talked about trust extensively before, but maybe it is time again to revisit the subject.  You would be surprised at how many people out there are just having sex and jumping right into relationships.  No groundwork has been laid, the two individual know absolutely nothing about each other and yet because they have had sex and it was good or adequate they automatically think they are in love,  What is actually happening is folks are replacing love for lust and thinking that they can build relationships off of that. Unfortunately that is flawed thinking and nothing lasting can be built on that foundation.  You have to begin each relationship in the manner like you are creating a friendship, and here is another piece of information I have learned along the way, if you don't know someone you have no basis for trusting them. Trust comes from knowing a person, spending time around that person and seeing how they react to certain situations and how they handle the trust that you extend to them.  If they don't earn it or display back what you have given them then are they truly worth you spending your time on?  The answer to that is no they are not.

A friend of mine once told me that life is like a checkbook, we make deposits and withdrawals from it all the time.  However, if there is someone in your life that is withdrawing more than they are depositing what happens?  Well, just like in a checking account if you have more debits than deposits your checkbook will go negative and will be impossible to balance.  The same thing holds true for your own life.  If someone is not giving you as much as you are giving them, your life becomes negative and you go out of balance.  Balance is very important in a relationship, and helps you start building up trust with another individual.  You can apply this to your love life, as well as your personal life.

A relationship is a relationship whether it is a friendship, love interest, family or any other type of social interaction you might have or experience.  Just a couple of days ago I was talking to you about this very subject and that I approach each new encounter like I am creating a foundation of friendship that will last long term.  I don't want to throw my care and love away, I want to build something that reflects how I am feeling, and I do this by making new friends and cultivating them the same exact way.  But you may be wondering to yourself by this point what does this all have to do with trust, well let me explain something to you.  Trust is the foundation on which friendships and relationships can be built upon, it is solid, unbroken and strong.  The Bible tells us that we should build our relationships upon a rock or firm foundation that sand or clay as the foundation wouldn't be sturdy enough to hold up a building let alone a relationship.  What do I mean by stating this fact?  I mean that a firm foundation of trust is a must.  You have to be able to have faith and trust in your partner or your relationship is doomed from the very beginning just like if you tried to build a house on a sand or clay foundation.  As soon as a strong wind comes against the structure it will fall or fold under the pressure if it is built upon the sand or the clay.  A foundation of trust is like building your relationship/friendship on solid stone.  You can add weight, pressure and even dimensions to a strong rock and it will not budge or falter.

Do you know what happens when those closest to you betray you or break your trust?  I can tell you that some of it would be anger, resentment, maybe even hatred. Most importantly is the fact that the trust you have has been betrayed or broken which could cause emotional trauma that might lead the other person down a very dark road, which ends up in their destruction.  It is important to respect each other and continually strengthen the bonds of trust.  There has to be clear lines of communication, and I am not just talking about telling someone how your day was or what you are up too.  I mean really communicating, listening as well as speaking.  You can't grow as a listener if your are always talking and vice versus, there has to be a happy middle ground.  Trust grows with each passing day and with every interaction you have with another person.  If there isn't, the relationship can become stagnant almost certainly diseases and depression can occur.  Trust is one of the most important things you can build between yourself and another person.
In a previous article I mentioned that we truly will never know what another person is thinking. You might wonder what I am trying tell to you. Is that no matter how long you have known a person, you cannot be 100% sure of what they are thinking or how they might act.  Humans are very secretive in nature, they also have a tendency to lie directly to you. All of these things shape how you look at relationships and who you let get close to you.   Each of us has built walls inside ourselves to avoid hurt and pain that others have inflicted upon you.  Once you have been hurt you immediately go into a tailspin, you feel hurt, anger, betrayal, resolution and finally you get past the hurt.  However, one thing that happens is that a wall is built up so that another person cannot do the same thing to you and hurt you all over again. It is the process of grieving that we each go through when a break-up occurs.  Therefore, it is going to take an extra special person to break through that wall, and it is going to take you sometime before you can open your heart up totally and let someone in.

I hope I haven't lost you along the way, but these two things are important for any relationship to have.  First, you have to build trust and get to know a person.  Secondly, you are going to have to study the person and figure out their patterns..  Each of us has a routine or pattern that we constantly update and work on.  If you can figure out the other person's pattern you can start to understand them better.  Because you can predict how they are going to react in each situation.  But, you must be observant and really get to know the person.  Once you figure out a persons pattern, a foundation begins to be laid, a friendship begins to form and stabilize.  The more you get to know a person, and their patterns trust starts to build between the too of you.  When this foundation is finally laid and you really start to get the person and can understand how they work, their moods, and their behaviors it becomes easier see if the person is being 100% truthful with you and can also begin to see through their lies if they do happen to lie to you.  However, remember what I told you at the beginning of this entry, if someone lies to you or you breaks your trust you need to let them go.  More debits than deposit throws your whole life out of balance and brings in negativity.

Please keep this in mind that trust flows both ways, and both people in the friendship or relationship have the potential to break each others trust and cause hurt.  Therefore it is very important that you are open and honest with your friends and partners.  Please keep in mind that if you shatter the bonds of trust with those you love you could tumble them down a dark path .  Those bonds of trust may never be able to be recreated again because they have lost faith in you and there is no going back once that trust has been discarded. Family and friends can hurt you just as bad as someone you have just met and are trying to get to know on a more intimate basis.

In the gay community, males have a tendency to be attracted to good looking people.  I believe that our priorities are screwed up and off balance.  Don't get me wrong looks do play a minor role in getting two people together.  But it isn't the most important thing.  Mental connection, the ability to make you laugh, someone who can make you feel good about yourself, they build you up and never tears you down.  These are the important traits that a relationship should be built on.  However, in the gay community we have the tendency to confuse lust for love, we jump into bed with the person we find attractive.  Here is the problem with that, when lust is confused for love there isn't a firm foundation you are building your house or relationship on sand, and sooner or later it will crumble and fall apart.  Love is something that grows, needs attention and has to have 100 % participation by both people involved in the relationship.  If you remember the song "The Rose" by Bette Middler, you understand that love starts out as a seed and grows into a beautiful flower.  Patience is necessary in any relationship.  You have to be open and receptive as well.

If you want to know if someone really loves you and cares about your well being, try and get to know someone and resist jumping directly into bed with the person.  Abstain for at least a month and if the person really cares about you they will understand and will wait for you.  Once sex gets comes into the equation our feelings get all messed up, we get confused and lust takes over, and yet there might be a seed planted, it hasn't even started to grow yet.  Learning another person, exploring everything about them is just the first step in building a relationship, but it also the first step towards building trust.  Remember, that relationships/friendship are tenuous things at the beginning and if you don't cultivate them correctly they wither and die before they have a chance to grow deep roots.

It is my hope that by you reading this you will be able to cultivate new friends and relationships.  Love is grown and cultivated in the same way.  A seed is planted, watered with attention, weeded with knowledge and before you know it it will have bloomed into a beautiful flower with strong roots and can stand any storm that comes it's way.

So when I tell you that trust is a must, you can see that it is essential for both a budding relationship as well as a full bloom relationship.  Trust is the foundation that is solid and allows a relationship to be strong and stable.  Words, deeds and lies can destroy even the strongest foundation and cause a relationship to spiral downward and break apart.  Remember that once that lie comes to light they are going to loose all faith in you and then there is no going back.

Please understand that if you want to be in a relationship you are going to have to work hard at it and build it on a firm foundation with compromise and open heart and mind. Remember being forewarned is forearmed.

All I can say from here is trust in yourself, find the goodness in others, cultivate every encounter with the mindset of forming a lasting friendship and sit back and see what happens.  If you feel it is right plant the seed of love and cultivate it properly.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B