Trust is a Must No Negotiation

Friends we have talked about trust extensively before, but maybe it is time again to revisit the subject.  You would be surprised at how many people out there are just having sex and jumping right into relationships.  No groundwork has been laid, the two individual know absolutely nothing about each other and yet because they have had sex and it was good or adequate they automatically think they are in love,  What is actually happening is folks are replacing love for lust and thinking that they can build relationships off of that. Unfortunately that is flawed thinking and nothing lasting can be built on that foundation.  You have to begin each relationship in the manner like you are creating a friendship, and here is another piece of information I have learned along the way, if you don't know someone you have no basis for trusting them. Trust comes from knowing a person, spending time around that person and seeing how they react to certain situations and how they handle the trust that you extend to them.  If they don't earn it or display back what you have given them then are they truly worth you spending your time on?  The answer to that is no they are not.

A friend of mine once told me that life is like a checkbook, we make deposits and withdrawals from it all the time.  However, if there is someone in your life that is withdrawing more than they are depositing what happens?  Well, just like in a checking account if you have more debits than deposits your checkbook will go negative and will be impossible to balance.  The same thing holds true for your own life.  If someone is not giving you as much as you are giving them, your life becomes negative and you go out of balance.  Balance is very important in a relationship, and helps you start building up trust with another individual.  You can apply this to your love life, as well as your personal life.

A relationship is a relationship whether it is a friendship, love interest, family or any other type of social interaction you might have or experience.  Just a couple of days ago I was talking to you about this very subject and that I approach each new encounter like I am creating a foundation of friendship that will last long term.  I don't want to throw my care and love away, I want to build something that reflects how I am feeling, and I do this by making new friends and cultivating them the same exact way.  But you may be wondering to yourself by this point what does this all have to do with trust, well let me explain something to you.  Trust is the foundation on which friendships and relationships can be built upon, it is solid, unbroken and strong.  The Bible tells us that we should build our relationships upon a rock or firm foundation that sand or clay as the foundation wouldn't be sturdy enough to hold up a building let alone a relationship.  What do I mean by stating this fact?  I mean that a firm foundation of trust is a must.  You have to be able to have faith and trust in your partner or your relationship is doomed from the very beginning just like if you tried to build a house on a sand or clay foundation.  As soon as a strong wind comes against the structure it will fall or fold under the pressure if it is built upon the sand or the clay.  A foundation of trust is like building your relationship/friendship on solid stone.  You can add weight, pressure and even dimensions to a strong rock and it will not budge or falter.

Do you know what happens when those closest to you betray you or break your trust?  I can tell you that some of it would be anger, resentment, maybe even hatred. Most importantly is the fact that the trust you have has been betrayed or broken which could cause emotional trauma that might lead the other person down a very dark road, which ends up in their destruction.  It is important to respect each other and continually strengthen the bonds of trust.  There has to be clear lines of communication, and I am not just talking about telling someone how your day was or what you are up too.  I mean really communicating, listening as well as speaking.  You can't grow as a listener if your are always talking and vice versus, there has to be a happy middle ground.  Trust grows with each passing day and with every interaction you have with another person.  If there isn't, the relationship can become stagnant almost certainly diseases and depression can occur.  Trust is one of the most important things you can build between yourself and another person.
In a previous article I mentioned that we truly will never know what another person is thinking. You might wonder what I am trying tell to you. Is that no matter how long you have known a person, you cannot be 100% sure of what they are thinking or how they might act.  Humans are very secretive in nature, they also have a tendency to lie directly to you. All of these things shape how you look at relationships and who you let get close to you.   Each of us has built walls inside ourselves to avoid hurt and pain that others have inflicted upon you.  Once you have been hurt you immediately go into a tailspin, you feel hurt, anger, betrayal, resolution and finally you get past the hurt.  However, one thing that happens is that a wall is built up so that another person cannot do the same thing to you and hurt you all over again. It is the process of grieving that we each go through when a break-up occurs.  Therefore, it is going to take an extra special person to break through that wall, and it is going to take you sometime before you can open your heart up totally and let someone in.

I hope I haven't lost you along the way, but these two things are important for any relationship to have.  First, you have to build trust and get to know a person.  Secondly, you are going to have to study the person and figure out their patterns..  Each of us has a routine or pattern that we constantly update and work on.  If you can figure out the other person's pattern you can start to understand them better.  Because you can predict how they are going to react in each situation.  But, you must be observant and really get to know the person.  Once you figure out a persons pattern, a foundation begins to be laid, a friendship begins to form and stabilize.  The more you get to know a person, and their patterns trust starts to build between the too of you.  When this foundation is finally laid and you really start to get the person and can understand how they work, their moods, and their behaviors it becomes easier see if the person is being 100% truthful with you and can also begin to see through their lies if they do happen to lie to you.  However, remember what I told you at the beginning of this entry, if someone lies to you or you breaks your trust you need to let them go.  More debits than deposit throws your whole life out of balance and brings in negativity.

Please keep this in mind that trust flows both ways, and both people in the friendship or relationship have the potential to break each others trust and cause hurt.  Therefore it is very important that you are open and honest with your friends and partners.  Please keep in mind that if you shatter the bonds of trust with those you love you could tumble them down a dark path .  Those bonds of trust may never be able to be recreated again because they have lost faith in you and there is no going back once that trust has been discarded. Family and friends can hurt you just as bad as someone you have just met and are trying to get to know on a more intimate basis.

In the gay community, males have a tendency to be attracted to good looking people.  I believe that our priorities are screwed up and off balance.  Don't get me wrong looks do play a minor role in getting two people together.  But it isn't the most important thing.  Mental connection, the ability to make you laugh, someone who can make you feel good about yourself, they build you up and never tears you down.  These are the important traits that a relationship should be built on.  However, in the gay community we have the tendency to confuse lust for love, we jump into bed with the person we find attractive.  Here is the problem with that, when lust is confused for love there isn't a firm foundation you are building your house or relationship on sand, and sooner or later it will crumble and fall apart.  Love is something that grows, needs attention and has to have 100 % participation by both people involved in the relationship.  If you remember the song "The Rose" by Bette Middler, you understand that love starts out as a seed and grows into a beautiful flower.  Patience is necessary in any relationship.  You have to be open and receptive as well.

If you want to know if someone really loves you and cares about your well being, try and get to know someone and resist jumping directly into bed with the person.  Abstain for at least a month and if the person really cares about you they will understand and will wait for you.  Once sex gets comes into the equation our feelings get all messed up, we get confused and lust takes over, and yet there might be a seed planted, it hasn't even started to grow yet.  Learning another person, exploring everything about them is just the first step in building a relationship, but it also the first step towards building trust.  Remember, that relationships/friendship are tenuous things at the beginning and if you don't cultivate them correctly they wither and die before they have a chance to grow deep roots.

It is my hope that by you reading this you will be able to cultivate new friends and relationships.  Love is grown and cultivated in the same way.  A seed is planted, watered with attention, weeded with knowledge and before you know it it will have bloomed into a beautiful flower with strong roots and can stand any storm that comes it's way.

So when I tell you that trust is a must, you can see that it is essential for both a budding relationship as well as a full bloom relationship.  Trust is the foundation that is solid and allows a relationship to be strong and stable.  Words, deeds and lies can destroy even the strongest foundation and cause a relationship to spiral downward and break apart.  Remember that once that lie comes to light they are going to loose all faith in you and then there is no going back.

Please understand that if you want to be in a relationship you are going to have to work hard at it and build it on a firm foundation with compromise and open heart and mind. Remember being forewarned is forearmed.

All I can say from here is trust in yourself, find the goodness in others, cultivate every encounter with the mindset of forming a lasting friendship and sit back and see what happens.  If you feel it is right plant the seed of love and cultivate it properly.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sea The Mist

Sea the mist was rolling in from the sea as I walked along the beach
sight obscured, buildings hidden, I felt as if I were walking through Eden
everything expose with nothing hidden and I wandered where I was forbidden.
Sea this Mist not prepared me for all of this, eyes shrouded became so very clouded
but the longer I walked the deeper my thoughts became
nothing was ever going to be the same
It was then I noticed that the veil across my heart and soul were being shifted.
like a  very heavy weight was being lifted.
Sea the Mist as I wandered down the sand this story is for every man who I have dated
those of you who never waited, always taking and cheating
and yet you wonder why my temper was always heating.
I wondered if I would have learned the secrets in your heart had you not been caught.
I am wondering if your friendship and your kindness wasn't bought.
Because you ran and like the grains of sand it hurt and irritated,
but I guess that's what happens when life becomes so segregated.
Sea the Mist thru the shining sun. Even it couldn't pierce the drifting fog and though I walked on and on.
I am not so sure where my prayers and tears had gone.
It is here in the Mist I see the stories and fabrications you sold, always hiding what you truly wanted. I guess it wasn't in the cards and was up to fate like I had drawn from lots
with all your lies and plots.
My heart wasn't a game to be played, yet a player you became
always wanting but never actually achieving fame.
Sea in the Mist life wasn't worth living in the past, and that is where you are, I'm not sure but because you couldn't change we drifted far apart. I often wonder why you couldn't see how you made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Clouds and light drifting by and still I am wondering why? I honestly don't believe you even wanted
to try and you ignored my pleas and my cry.
Why oh why didn't you come when I needed you? You turned your back and walked away
I never thought we would end this way
I guess everyone was right and you just stayed because it was easy and now I look back and
feel that your actions were very sleazy.
I saw it all so clear, here in the mist My beginning, my middle and my end
here it is that I will pass and all that will remain of me is a pile of ash.
I have given love so many times, sometime return most often not
yet it hasn't stop me or deterred me or even made me hot.
In this mist I see so clear what I held so dear was never very clear
Yet in the end I will begin again or so I believe
You see energy is never ever truly destroy it can be harnessed, manipulated even changed but
it truly never goes away, so you see my dears all of you who came and went
I will be watching over you  just you wait and see. Though you won't be able to see or hear me
I will be there and everywhere just you wait and see.
In every song you hear, every once in awhile just a memory or a thought
will hold me to this earth because here I am caught.
As much as I would like, I cannot stay any longer, my fight is finally over
not a wish, a pray or even a 4 leave clover can change this fact.
Sea the mist it signals the end. Not even the sun can burn it away
why oh why did it have to come today
I wanted more time to fix what was broke but I knew the answer the minute the doctor spoke
the kidneys have failed the liver too, treatment was too late
No more worries, no more tear will take away this fate.
Over and over I tried to say all that was in my heart today
Yet there wasn't any way.
Sea the Mist watch it come taking me from one place to home
I guess it is time for me to roam alone.
Sea that Mist and watch it come for I alone am it's only claim
I don't hold anyone to blame.
Its all on me can't you see. My fight gone on so long too much damage has been done
radiation, chemo too, and now this infection, trust me it wasn't fun
Wait and see I will be in the sun, on the wind and in those songs
say good-bye and let go of all the wrongs
Forgive is for yourself and no one else it helps you to move on to get closure
Just let go and give God a full disclosure.
Sea the Mist and follow my final wish


-B

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Don't be a victim any more!

I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience.  How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally.  What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others.  Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim.  I started seeking professional help.  Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship.  Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone.  As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.

My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times.  They had terrible fights and never got along.  All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was.  This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship.  Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth.  Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life.  I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it.  Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.

In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in.  I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong.  Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done.  What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning.  Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability.  Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me.  I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.

What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern.  My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome.  You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy.  You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help.  Or at least that is what I did.  I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me.  By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me.  Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again.  So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr.  This was a never ending cycle.

Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help.  I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street.  I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior.  Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged.  Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends.  On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life.  I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others.  I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy.  I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in.  I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.

Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control.   What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you.  You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen.  Change takes effort, time and energy!  But trust me if I can do it you can too.  Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself.  You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you.  You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them.  Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom.  Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up.  They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix.  These are the people that are stuck on repeat.  Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation.  The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street.  He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs.  I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street.  I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me.  At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come.  He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money.  He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.

The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida.  Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring.  He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted.  He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie.  He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs.  He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear.  This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money.  He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me.  The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this.  I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it.  I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.

Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it.  If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What it takes to make any type of relationship work

The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard.  Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time.  The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth.  Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships.  I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise.  Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.

There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part.  I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship.  This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you.  I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are.  But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily.  Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding.  Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.

Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better.  Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier.  Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there.  I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask.  This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.

So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time.  I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta.  He also came up there and we went to school together.  So it has been a long time.  But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day.  But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result?  Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you.  You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back.  This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.

Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal.  In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever.  But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from.  It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you.  Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work.  Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel.  You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt.  They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.

How did you get that way?  I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations.  You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't.  When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there.  Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer.  I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship.  So, it can work just like I said.  The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.

The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them.  If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again.  For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better.  The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion.  We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place.  We ended up throwing it all away.

The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above.  Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.

So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together.  We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together.  That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust.  That they are open and communicative with one another.  That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again.  We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person.  We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another.  That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners.  That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.

It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside.  You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around.  You have to live in the present, let go of the past.  Why would you want to cling to it anyway?  It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway.  If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories".  Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does.  But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel.  Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel.  This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger.  Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.

Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding.  One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.

As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.  What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart.  I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again.  But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times.  When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous.  Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.

The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship.  This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship.  When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same.  There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it.  The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another.  Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person

I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration.  I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers.  I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about.  Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.

The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things.  It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.

I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth.  The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room.  I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor.  Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools.  As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured.  I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe.  I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition.  I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans.  Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.

My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid.  Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you.  I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do.  But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story.  By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive.  End of act one!

The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects.  The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having.  But that wasn't the end of it.  While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch.  Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind.  They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best.  Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye.  So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything.  A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house.  I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time.  By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses.  Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds.  It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin.  Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today.  But I got super hearing out of the deal.  End of act two!

I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle.  I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated.  However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area.  I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better.  It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body.  Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well.  In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic.  I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out.  Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again.  When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one.  So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying.  Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered.  I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.

I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die.  After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you.  I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things.  Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe.  I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.

I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness.  That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.

Let me know what you think.  This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Some Advice, Freely Given...

Yesterday was an eventful day for me, and one that I would like to share with you in a small way.  I have a bit of advice that I would like to share with you all, maybe some will heed it, others will ignore it, but all in all I think that it is important for me to say something.

I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it.  I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked.  Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it.  However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go.  Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up.  I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it.  But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything.  But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.

Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try.  Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it.  As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home.  But here is the thing.  I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came.  I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg.  Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it.  I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own.  I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving.  Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me.  Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on.  When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much.  No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.

It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion.  I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything.  When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday.  As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital.  My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side.  They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God.  Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them.  I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain.  So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.

Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off.  This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way.  Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me.  They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything.  So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on.  You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th.  Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond.  My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived.  What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you.  When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.

So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give?  Well here it is.  If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you.  Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was.  I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else.  Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own.  More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes.  I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less.  Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.

There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone.  Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility.  However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.

Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them.  Which is what I should have done with my father.  I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B