Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

December 19th Status Update

This year has been a tough year for everyone of my friends, and me as well.  I am thankful that it is finally drawing to a close, and on the heels of all the hard times comes several blessings that I want to share with you.  Every day cannot be a picnic and something I have learned coming through 2012 is that you have to take the good with a measure of bad.  But, with hope and faith things will work out for the best, whether you want to believe that or not, it is really true.  As we went through the Thanksgiving holiday we all stopped and gave thanks for the things that we were most thankful in our lives.  But, that was just one point in the year, we need to take a closer look at our daily lives and be thankful daily for the small things that happen to us.  Once you begin to do that you are going to see that the smallest things add up together, these little blessings may not seem to mean much, but when you take a step back and look at how they multiply you will be amazed at just what you can have come through.

As 2012 draws to a close, I have to tell you that I have a new family, that has opened their hearts and home to me and accepted me with open arms.  They have done everything they can to make me feel like I am a part of their family and special.  For someone that hasn't actually enjoyed Christmas or the holidays in many many years, this has been a big shock and surprise.  Since coming out to California my life has been filled with such joy and happiness that it is hard to contain.  God has been so good to me this past year, has brought me such loving and caring friends both in Florida and in California that I can hardly believe how lucky I have been.  Everyone one of us has a story, something that we had to face and come through in 2012 and here we are we have made it. There have been people that have inspired us, motivated us and given us the strength to push onward even when it seemed the darkest.  This holiday season take the time to reach out to those that have been around you and by your side, give them the praise that you feel in your heart.  Tell them how much you appreciate them, and all that they have done for you.  None of us could have made it through this year without our support group, our family and friends that stood by us in our times of trouble and despair.  These are the ones that have made it possible for you to look back and marvel at all that you have endured and come through and deserve the highest praise.

Though I can't put everyone's story out there I want to point out a few that have inspired me and given me hope for a brighter tomorrow and a happier future.  These are stories that show strength, compassion and love.  These are fighters that even when the toughest of times seemed too much to bear they pushed ever onward and have come through.  I know a lot of you think that I am something of an inspiration through everything that I have come through, but I have a dear friend that lost her husband of many many years, who opened up her heart and her home to let me come out to visit.  She has started to live again and with just a little visit and several hugs brought Christmas back into my life.  Then there is her daughter who I have been close to since she was 8 years old that told me what was happening and wanted me to come.  These two have shown me what the meaning of Christmas is all about, love, hope, happiness and joy, even inspite of troubles.  Here is the unique thing about me and my friend, whenever we are apart our energies and lives seem to get off track and turned upside down, most of the time a phone call between us will straighten out our course, though sometimes it takes a bit more like a visit.  I can tell you that since being here I haven't felt this good and strong in a long time. The depression and despair that had seemed to fall over the house quickly evaporated once I got here.  Now with the Christmas tree up and house all decorated it seems like life is finally coming back to the house.    Then there is my friend and partner who while I was going through my own health crisis's and issues in Florida was going through his own all the way across the country.  Even though at times he wasn't sure about "Us" or "Me", we made it through and are together.  Speaking of him, he just had neuro-surgery just two weeks ago, and what a boost to his self-confidence and self-esteem it has been.  I haven't ever seen him this happy or excited since I have met him. Another friend of mine found himself in a horrible living situation that did nothing but weigh him down and destroyed his health. Yet, through it all he maintained a positive outlook and repeatedly demonstrated his strength of character in all of his emails and Facebook postings.  It takes a strong person to endure circumstances like that, and to do it with such grace and love it has truly been inspiring.  I am also wanting to mention my new family Voncellar, CeCe and Mary, thank you so much for being the greatest influence on your son/brother/grandson, and accepting me whole-heartedly into your family making this one of the best Christmas's ever!  Then there are my friends at the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau who have been there with me through every hospitalization, every health crisis and personal /emotional crisis I have gone through this year.  Even though each of them had their own health issues, and problems they made me feel accepted and part of their circle. Thank you guys you don't know how much you all mean to me.  You are my family!

I know times are tough, money is tight, and Christmas this year might not be as perfect as you want it to be, just know that Life doesn't always seem to work out as it is planned or pictured. It can be better or worse depending on your point of view. Even non perfect circumstances can bring contentment and happiness. Though we may wish for the perfect picture of our minds eye, understanding that you just might not get it makes it that much easier to accept. I have often been filled with disappointments by not understanding this little concept, but this year I have a whole new set of eyes and a brand new understanding of how things truly are.  We have to make our own happiness, our own perfect moments, don't wait around for life to give them too you.  If you do, you will be closed off to new and wondrous things that are out there waiting for you.  Understanding this will also help you to understand that even though you aren't exactly where you want to be, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Nothing worth having comes easy.  It is the stuff that you have to work hard for and struggle with that are the things you treasure the most.  As this year ends make sure you ring it out with good cheer and a song in your heart. Let go of the past, surrender yourself to the future, take that leap of faith and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be happier and more successful in the new year than you ever have been before.

Even as I am getting ready to close this entry, a miracle of life has been granted to my family.  We are welcoming our newest member born just a few minutes ago a new nephew.  A new year, and a new life, what better symbol of hope can there be!

I love you all and wish you a very happy holiday season. Make sure you give praise to those that deserve it, cordiality to those that don't and share the joy and happiness of Christmas and New Years with all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Expect the Unexpected...

As most of you are aware the first few days of December have been extremely busy for me. We had rehearsal for the play “Faces of AIDS” on Thursday November 29^th and the actual live performance was on December 1^st. Now keep in mind that December 1^st is World's AIDS Day and it is also my birthday. This year I turned 44, which is surprising and amazing in itself since no one ever thought I was going to make it to be this old. But you know God has different ideas and plans for our lives and if our work on earth isn't finished then he just might not bring you home. Actually if you want to know that truth of the matter my life started picking up speed right before Thanksgiving and hasn't actually slowed down yet. But as I was saying since I was co-author of the play and a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and this was a benefit to raise funds for our organization to help us meet the grant requirements, it was my duty to help set up the space and get us ready for the performance. However since it was my birthday I was expected to make an appearance at my dad's place to have a little celebration before the rehearsal and set up, so that is just what I did and it worked out well, I was able to get to the Museum of Arts and Sciences early and help the cast get all set up and organized. Now when I tell you that the performance was awesome, a good time was had by all, I am not selling us short. For the amount of time we had to rehearse and get this under our belts we did a fabulous job. We had a great turn out and when we opened it up to questions and answers the audience participation was excellent. I want to again tell the members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau once again, Good Job, Well Done and I am so proud of you.

But that was just the beginning of the adventure that was going to start on December 1^st, after the Faces of AIDS Benefit, most of us went on to the Streamline Hotel for another fund-raising event that was to benefit Outreach Community Care Network an AIDS Service Organization of which I am a client of. They are the organization that helps administer the Ryan White Title funding for Volusia and Flagler counties. They are almost like a pride center, they offer medical services, case management, and a whole host of other services. But I digress as usual here. The benefit at the Streamline Hotel was in Tribute and Remembrance of Billie Boots. Who was a pioneer and champion in raising money for HIV and AIDS from the very beginning. I am proud to say that I knew Billie and the huge heart that he/she had for those infected and affected by HIV. For those of you that haven't figured it out Billie was a female impersonator or as some might call her a Drag Queen, no matter what your choice of titles for Billie, I will just say this an Entertainer that really loved Entertaining. Now back in the day when I first met Billie I was a struggling and aspiring female entertainer myself and I had a stage name of Idora Dixx and for years I traveled the drag circuit with folks like Billie Boots, Gilda Golden, Rusty Fawcett, Carmella Marcella Garcia, Paige King, Daniel Hunter and the list goes on. It was at this fundraiser at the Streamline that I ran into my past and reconnected with some great friends and entertainers that I had lost touch with over the years. It was a fabulous night and a great time supporting a worthy cause.

It was also that night that my tooth broke, so Monday I spent the day trying to get in to see a dentist to get it fixed, and then start packing, because my friend Judy decided to call me Sunday December 2^nd and pay for my plane ticket out to L.A. Then Tuesday came and I had an appointment with the dentist in Orlando so my friend Mary Bennefield and I jumped in the car and drove to Orlando to see the dentist only to be sent away because I had an infection and my insurance would only cover extracting the tooth. Wednesday my friend had neuro-surgery and I promised to take Mary grocery shopping and run errands. Thursday I had to clean house, do laundry, meet with the Vocational Rehabilitation people and so many other things. Because I was leaving on my trip to California on Friday. Now normally I am not so manic, but I really wanted to get the house clean and everything put up so that when I came home from this trip everything would be done and I wouldn't have to do anything but come home and relax. Because in my experience I usually need a vacation from the vacation because I am one of those people that is always on the go.

Now the whole reason why I am telling you all of this stuff is to demonstrate that we need to always expect the unexpected and be amazed and surprised when miracles happen in our lives. Because let me tell you a bit more about this past week, the things that just jumped out at me and happened. These are not all bad things, most of them have been pleasant revelations and I want to demonstrate them to you. See the way things were happening, me being sick with pneumonia right after Thanksgiving, the play rehearsals, then the benefits, I just had no time to think let alone do anything but react. Because of that I was open to the unexpected and great things happened. I think in a way because I wasn't feeling well, and so much was happening around me, my mind just disconnected and I was open to receiving the unexpected. Now what am I talking about by the unexpected? Well let me tell you, the unexpected are events that take place around you and include you that you are unprepared for totally. That being said I will use the play event as an example, even though I had helped write the script for the play and helped with stage managing and blocking the cast, I wasn't actually prepared mentally for the performance. I had just been out of the hospital for 7 days and my mind couldn't remember my lines to save my life. But when it came down too it and I was on the stage and the action was happening around me, a peace settled over me, it almost seemed like time slowed down, and the action around me faded just a little, and the words poured out of my mind and mouth like I knew what they were supposed to be. That my friends is the unexpected. Moving on, I was exhausted and my feet hurt from being on them all day, I had no intention of going to the Streamline that night, but I had never been there before and everyone was talking about going and somehow I just agreed and went. Bam! The unexpected happened, not only did I have a fantastic time and got to hangout with my new friends from the Speakers Bureau, I also ran into some very old and dear friends from my past. I actually reconnected with a few, exchanged numbers and have made plans with them for after my trip to California. So see, the unexpected just jumped out at me and happened. The rest of the week was just happening so fast and everything was a blur, I didn't think I would even have time to catch my breath let alone get everything done that I wanted to get done before I left, but as I shut the door on my apartment this morning I smiled on with contentment everything was completed and done before my father ever showed up to take me to the airport.

Here is another example of expect the unexpected, and it wasn't necessarily a good thing either, see the unexpected can be either good or bad depending on the situation and the circumstances that surround it. I got up this morning had a few last minute things to pack, which I had put out in the living room by the suitcase so I would see them when I got up, I got all of that done with remarkable precision, even had the ticket laying on the coffee table in a place where I would see it and pick it up. Dad got there and I scooted around to get him the stuff I wanted him to take home because I thought it might go bad while I was gone. As we left out I gave the keys to my neighbor so she could collect my mail for me and stuff, and had dad take me to the gas station to get an electronic cigarette so I could have something to smoke on while I was in the airport and on the plane. Once I paid for it and got back in the car I looked around and couldn't find my itinerary or e-tickets anywhere. I couldn't find them in the car, we went back to the gas station and they weren't there, and then we went back to my apartment and I looked around and couldn't find them anywhere. All my careful planning and making sure I had everything went right out the door. I had made dad come over early so I could be early to the airport. Got there just a little before noon and guess what the flight didn't leave until 3:55, it was supposed to leave at 1:52. Then my connecting flight in Charlotte was also delayed. Again, it is me, I should have expected the unexpected!

Honestly no matter how hard I try to plan something it always falls apart or turns out a colossal mess, however if I do things spontaneously and by the seat of my pants it usually turns out spectacular. I have been told that it is a part of my nature as dictated by my zodiac sign which is Sagittarius. I am not sure how true that is but I know that things seem to flow better and have better results when I just wing it as they say. So, what is it that I am trying to tell you in this article? I am telling you that you have to be open and flexible. Life rarely goes the way we want or plan, you have to accept the inevitable and just go with the flow, the unexpected isn't always negative, it can have some positive benefits as well just like in my examples. The truth is life just happens and no matter how carefully you plan, sculpt and try to make things happen, it might just go awry for no apparent reasons. Realizing this will cut down on the stress and disappointment you feel when it happens to you. I have told you before that life is messy, full of twisted and colorful characters, chance events and encounters, adventures and all sorts of things that will get you totally filthy dirty if you let it. Enjoy it, go out there and get crazy wild and totally dirty, but have fun doing it. Don't let your temper flair because your vacations plans got screwed up, go with the flow, enjoy yourself. I am sure that if you just let it go, go with the flow and enjoy yourself no matter what you are going to have the time of your life.

Life is crazy, hectic, and doesn't conform nicely or neatly into rigid roles, rules and plans, so you have to expect that you are going to be thrown a curve-ball every now and then, that your plans are never going to happen as you expect them to and that you have to be flexible and enthusiastic enough to just go with it and enjoy it. This trip started off pretty good and I am rolling with the flow here, and I am happy that I did, I haven't gotten upset or stressed out at all and this is going to be the best trip ever, wanna know why? Cuz, I found out that my boyfriend is coming to meet me tomorrow which is totally unexpected, but totally welcome. Again expect the unexpected and be open to change. It is all about acceptance and adaptability.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

What is actually meant by "Keeping it Real?"

I hear a lot of people running around saying "Keep it Real", "Real talk", or "100".  But do they even have an idea of what they are actually talking about.  The answer to that is NO.  See, the younger generation assumes that it means be honest, don't lie, don't cheat, be yourself etc.  Yes that is part of it, but there is so much more that encompasses what being real is all about.  Keeping it real has to start with integrity, truth and compassion.  Most youth use it today to be blunt and rude. They throw their opinion out there like it is requested, required or needed.  Guess what folks it isn't.  I have a friend that pointed out to me yesterday that if you are truly wanting to keep it real or be real, it has to start with yourself. You have to be true to yourself, be honest and open with yourself.  You can't hide behind your mask or fascade and think that you are being real or keeping it real.

Many of you run around pretending to be Thugs, gangsta's or bad boys.  Truth of the matter is it is just an act, it is a costume that you put on each morning when you get up. It is a behavior, or pattern that you are trying to use to change who you truly are.  The problem with this is, the real you is still there hidden behind all that you are trying to get the world to see. You are creating a false persona that you want other including your friends to see.  You weren't born a Thug, Gangster, bad boy. You were born a male, and you should grow into a man.  Who you are affiliated with or hang with should not be who you become.  If you want to have a secret identity it truly is up to you, but you can't be real to anyone else if you are not real with yourself. 

In order for you to be real you have to understand what being real actually entails.  See there is more too it than just being honest with others, it is more than just being blunt and straightforward.  Being real means being a person of integrity. Honest, trustworthy and putting others before yourself.  See there are elements of being real that many of you seem to not understand they are compassion, understanding and respect.  In order for you to be real with another person, you have to be compassionate at how you talk with them, how you deliver the truth to them.  Keep in mind it isn't what you say but how you say it.  Further, if you truly understand and respect the person and their intentions then you are going to be there for them and talk to them. You will take the time to explain to them the situation and make sure that they are aware of all the variables and possible risks that are involved.  Remember this Real is born out of love for another person, you care about them, you don't want them hurt or embarrassed, it isn't a means to be brutal, hurtful or blunt. 

I want to explain this to you a bit further, I want to break it down to you so that you understand exactly what being real is all about and what it entails. See there are responsibilities and emotions that are associated with being real or keeping it real.  But in order to understand all of this you first need to know what the definition of being real is all about.  Real as defined by the Webster's Pocket dictionary is "something which is existing, genuine, true, or authentic.  Under the law it is defined as property which is regarded as permanent, fixed or immovable; not illusory, artificial, or fraudulent." Either of those definitions go a long way into establishing what I am trying to say.  Most ot the time when someone tells you to keep it real, they are talking about you yourself, the person.  However, it is also something that should be demonstrated in your actions, attitude and way you interact with other people.  Being real is unconditional if you are trying to be real, it is something that is accepted and practiced at all times.  There isn't a halfway point with being real. Either you are or you are not. It is a way of life, and it isn't always easy.  You have to keep other's thoughts and feelings in mind as you are trying to practice it.

Being real is all about unconditionally accepting others, caring about them and giving them the respect that they deserve, and having their backs at all times, putting their needs and wants before your own.  It also is about being aware of their feelings and being honest and truthful with them using compassion, understanding, love and respect and offering them support to show them how you actually feel. Now, what does this mean.  It means that you have to be gentle and kind in your honesty with them, conscious of how your words and truth might hurt them.  You need to couch them in compassion and temper them with love, respect and understanding.  If you do this, the bluntness of your words and attitude will be tempered enough that won't hurt the other person too badly.  Often times your good intentions are missed because of the way in which they are said. Your word's are blunt, callus and bitter, they hurt and sting, it immediately puts the person you are trying to look out for put their backs up and resist what you are trying to tell them. The pain your words have caused has made them dig in their heals and can cause resentment towards you and your attitude. If you approach the situation as I have mentioned above your words will have a better chance of causing change and helping the other person. 

What I am trying to tell you is that "Being Real", "Keeping it Real", "Keeping it 100", or being just plain "real" is a lifestyle, a way of living.  It is something that needs to be practiced and lived, rather than trying to emulate it.  If you live by it, it will be automatic to you.  But being real is a combination of honesty with other emotions and processes involved.  In order for you to actually accomplish it and live by it you have to understand it.  That is what I want you to take away from this entry.  Being real needs to be handled with compassion, trust and faith. It encompasses love, respect, truth and support.  Actions speak louder than words, prove to me that you are real, by being real to yourself and others at all times.  If you are going to claim it you better damn well be doing it.

Remember it isn't something that you turn on or off. Either you are or your not!   Keep in mind that being real is all of those things I have mentioned compassion, trust, faith, love, respect and support. You can't only put one or two in there and think that you are being real.  You can't use blunt honesty alone and think that you are being real.  Being real is not something that you use as a weapon to hurt others, being real is just another name for integrity.  Being real and keeping it real, means that you show everyone respect, offer them support, you are honest with them in a compassionate and understanding way.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for

On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide.  Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others.  In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide.  Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.

Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts.  But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide.  How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation.  But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't.  People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience.  Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc.  Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder.  It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you.  Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks.  You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs.  They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of.  Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out.  Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.

It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide.  But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well.  The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help.  Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional.  Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member.  Whatever their reasoning it is up too you.  The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level.  Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.

Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday.  It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide.  All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone.  Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world.  You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.

The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves.  If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.

So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.

Let me review what is written above:  Who is at risk for suicide?

People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
            - family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
            - change in family structure such as:
                - divorce
                - separation
                - loss of an important person
                - loss of capacity
                - death of a loved one or friend

After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before.  They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear.  Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.

I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through.  I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body.  But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body.  If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?"  I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.

Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Who can you depend upon?

I got to thinking this morning about how many people I can really count upon and the result was surprisingly smaller than I had thought.  For years I have been the one that people turn too when they need help or a hand to get them out of a situation.  However when I look back at how many people have actually been around to help me when I needed a helping hand, it was less than a handful.  Now to me this is remarkable because I would have thought that there would have been a lot more people. Especially when you consider the amount of people I have helped in my past, and how many people still come to me when they need money or things to help them get by. Just the other day I got a call from a friend that still lives in Atlanta who asked me if I would be able to give him $50.00 for a boost card to get his cell turned back on.  Another, friend asked me over the past summer needed to have a cell phone, so I sent him my old Samsung Admire phone and put it on my Metro account so that he could have service.  You know he only had the phone for a week before he lost it. Then he expected me to buy him a new one, but I honestly didn't have the money for that.  What I did do however was when he got a new phone I did allow him to put it on my bill.  Then on July 20, 2012 he disappeared, never heard from him again.   Even my parents have let me down, when I left Atlanta they told me I could come stay with them till I was on my feet again.  Well, here we are 8 months later and because my step-brother is coming down, I had to move out. I wasn't prepared didn't have the money put up for the move and just by chance found someone that was willing to take a chance on me and let me use their place.

It always surprises me when someone agrees to something that you need then backs out at the last minute.  Like it wasn't a big deal in the first place.  Just this past week I had asked my dad if he would drive me down to Ft. Lauderdale to get a king size bed and box spring with rails from a friend of mine.  He said he would as long as I paid for the gas.  Now, my friend has pillows, comforters and sheets for the bed as well as pots and pans that he wanted to give to me.  I knew that for the most part I could fit the bed and stuff in the truck along with all the other stuff.  But he also has a dresser and mirror and a sofa that he needs to get rid of too, he told me I could have all of the stuff, considering that I was living in a place that has no furniture.  I thought this was a great opportunity. It shouldn't cost me more than $50.00 to and from there to get the first load of stuff. Of course I would have to make a second trip down to get the rest of the stuff that he wants to give me like the dresser mirror and sofa.  I thought it was a great opportunity. My father looked at the pictures I sent him of the stuff and told me that he thought I should look on craigslist for something I could buy locally, and save myself some money. Unfortunately, he doesn't stop to realize that I will still need to pay for the stuff and my friend was giving it too me for free.  Either way I would still have to put gas in my father's truck to get the stuff whether it was bought on craigslist or if I drove to Ft. Lauderdale to get it.  So where am I saving money. I honestly think in the long run driving down there would be the best thing and get the bed. At least I wouldn't be sleeping on the floor anymore.

Why do people do that? Why do they say what they think you want to hear? Then back out at the last possible minute?  Is it because they think that by telling you at the onset that they will do something will make you worry less?  I am not sure what the real answer to this is, but I would rather someone be upfront with me and tell me that they don't want to do something then to tell me sure I will do it and then back out.  Wouldn't you?  Life is too short folks to lie to others, there is no good reason whatsoever that I can see to hold back the truth from anyone. Sure it might hurt them initially but they will get over it and see that you were only trying to look out for them.  I am a firm believer in trying to help out others, and do the right thing, so why not be straight with me from the get go?  Life is hard enough without having false hopes.

False hopes is what telling someone you are going to do something for them and then backing out at the last minute creates.  It honestly isn't fair to the other person that has been counting on you.  How many times have you been the anchor or shoulder that others have leaned upon?  If you are like me a lot! But here is the thing when push comes to shove it is only you who is going to do for you.  Really there is no one that you can totally always rely upon.  It is sad but true, when I was down and out on the streets of Atlanta there was no one that I could even call because even my so called best friends wouldn't take my calls because they felt bad because there was nothing they could do to help my situation.  But, the truth of the matter was, I wasn't looking for them to help me out of my situation, I just wanted an ear or shoulder to cry on. To brainstorm with to come up with workable solutions to my dilemma. See, I realized that I got myself into the situation that I was in and it was my job and duty to see myself clear of it. I wasn't looking for handouts, and I wasn't looking for someone to get me out of my own mess.  It would have been nice to just have someone there I could pour out my heart too, to listen to me. That alone would have been enough.  But, even that wasn't too be found.

I have a very close circle of really good friends and they are the ones I know that I can count on.  Probably out of the circle there are only 3 that I would ever ask to borrow money from, but the rest have been there for me to hear my cries, pleas and just listen.  That are what friends are supposed to do for one another to listen. They aren't there to bail you out, if they can and offer that is great and wonderful, but it really isn't their responsibility to clean up your mess for you.  Only you can do that for yourself.  But there has to be a balance somewhere, there has to be some give and take in a friendship as well as a relationship.  You can't be expected to do it all alone.  Unless that is the way you have it all planned out.  See, when I got sick with cancer I had a group of friends that I hung with and all of them went through it with me. They were there all the way through, came and seen me in the hospital, held my hand when I was sick and all of that. Those are the people that I count as my support network. They are the few that I know if I call them today they will listen without judging me, as to what my problem and situation is. They will listen, offer words of advice, encouragement, but it is up too me to use that advice and profit from it.  On a few occasions I have had to borrow money from some friends, and they were there for me. But times are different now, the economy is harder, and people don't have the extra like they used to.  My friend Daniel for instance, I called him while I was on the street in Atlanta, just to talk to him, to listen and have him listen to me and my situation. Which he did.  He said to me that he wished he could help, but he was financially strapped himself.  Let me tell you this, I wasn't asking him for help.  I had just needed to hear a friendly voice and have someone listen to me.  But he felt bad because he wasn't in a place to help me.  That is okay, because I didn't need it.  I just needed him and his support. Which I got.

As far as all these others, I am tired and I have been there for everyone for so long. I have helped so many people in my life, that it is now my turn.  I want to find someone that I can care about and depend on. Someone that puts my needs and desires first. Someone that I can call on to help me out when I am stressed or trapped.  I can't help anyone else like I used to, and I honestly don't want to anymore.  I was the one that all those people in Atlanta and some few here in Florida came too each month to help them out of a bind they were in financially or emotionally and I gave of myself, but NO MORE.  I have to once start thinking about myself and putting myself and my health needs above that of others.  It is the only way that I am going to survive right now. Everyone else is going t have to learn to fend for themselves.  You know who you are. The ones that hit me up every month wondering if there isn't some little help I can give you.  The answer is I am in a place and situation where I cannot even help myself, so no boo as much as I love and care about you, I can't help you right now.

But, it is sad that out of all the people I have helped to support, given a place to stay and food to eat can't even help me out. Can't pick up the phone and call me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I am not sure I even have one friend that I can count on at this moment who would be able to honestly say, I got your back. Because I don't think anyone actually does.  Even my parents I can't count on them for help, I was helping them, I was buying groceries each month and then I was also paying the electric or cable bill to help them get caught back up.  But when I need help or want them to do something for me, they either say yes they will and back out at the last minute or they just don't answer.  That isn't right. But honey it is a fact of life, that no one has your own best interest at heart but you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Trouble comes around when you least expect it.

Today was a busy day for me I ran around trying to get my finances in order because I have a ticket to pay in Atlanta for my little excursion that turned out to be a nightmare.  I had called the court last week and found out that the ticket was going to cost $194.40 for stopping in the road way.  The officer was trying to find drugs in the car but since he couldn't do that he decided to give me a ticket anyway.  Well, I got the money together because when I talked to the court last week they told me that I could pay it via the automated system.  However tonight when I called the automated system it tells me that there are two tickets out there and that I needed to appear in court. So I went online to see if I could pay it via their website and what I found out is that there are two tickets issued one back in 2007 and then one I got in 2012.  Now, the ticket in 2007 is not mine at all. The tag numbers don't match and the "party" field shows unknown.  This is very frustrating for me because I finally got all my ducks in a row so that I could take care of this and get myself ahead of the game.

Keep in mind that when I got a hold of the clerk of the court in Atlanta, I was told that I specifically had to pay the ticket before my court date or they would suspend my license. I explained that I didn't live there and that there was no way that I could appear in court and I was trying to get an extension, she told me that I needed to write a letter to the judge asking for a reset of the court date because I couldn't appear.  Now, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point, because even if I left now I would be stretching my finances so thin that I probably would end up getting stranded up there again. I cannot afford to have that happen, the last time I went up there I got stranded and my health suffered and I ended up in the hospital 4 times total. Honestly, I can't and don't want to go through all of that again.  Even though a part of me would like to go up there and try and find my friend Tony, but I don't even have a clue where to look for him at the moment and I am not sure he would even come back with me if I did find him.

Besides which I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss the referrals I need to see the GI specialist and neurologist.  It seems that I am having a residual problem with my left leg from the drain that they removed from my back a week ago, when they went in and drained the cyst that had formed.  I knew that Saturday when he pulled the drain out that he had hurt the nerve. I was told that it would bother me for a short period of time, but the pain has gotten a lot worse today. I am thinking that it is because of the weather.  See I have had problems all my life when the barometric pressure drops because I had a fractured skull when I was born.  Then when I was going through chemotherapy in the 90's they infiltrated the vein and the tissue on my right arm got damaged.  It would turn black when the storms would come and I would get terrible migraines.  Today a storm rolled in and my leg started hurting and my arm was sore as well, and on top of that I had a terrible migraine that lasted the whole day.

I wasn't prepared for having all of the pain on top of all the drama that has ensued.  I even went by work today to pick up the check that they owed me for the deposit I paid to stay in the hotel that my company manages. I didn't stay there at all because last Friday they told me that I would have to pay a $200.00 deposit and I didn't have the extra money to come up with that.  That was drama filled as well because just earlier on Friday I was told that I wouldn't have to pay a deposit because I worked for the company.  I guess they knew that they were going to fire me on Friday, because the deal was there would be no deposit as long as I worked for them.  In hindsight I guess I should have figured it out, but I was so excited about finally finding a place of my own that I could afford, and a person who was willing to work with me and knows my situation.  

I have come to expect that when good things happen in my life they are always tempered with bad things.  See this past weekend was so filled with blessings and good things that I should have known that bad things were just around the corner.  However, there is no warning when bad things are looming.  The good thing is this we are promised that we will never be given more than we can bear, God knows what our limitations are and will ensure that we have the strength to endure. Remember that every time a problem or crisis hits us there is a lesson somewhere in there to be learned. I want you to keep in mind that each of has our own trials and crisis's that we have bear it is how we rise up and deal with each of them that defines us and gives us the strength for the next one that is coming.  Just like land storms come and go, they rage and blow, cause damage, but they always move on they never last forever.  Problems are the same way.  Remember that no problems is ever as permanent as the solution. How you look at the issue or situation also plays a major role in how long it will endure.  I have told you over and over again that perception plays a vital part, and if we over analyze a situation too much we have a tendency to make it form a molehill into a mountain.  Once it becomes a mountain, we fret and worry that there will be no way to surmount it. I am here to tell you that you can and will make it to the summit and down the other side.  Keep on keeping on.

Have faith that when a storm of problems arise that there is something that you are supposed to be looking for a hidden lesson that you need to learn and grow from.  This will keep you from dwelling on the actual event and keep your eyes looking forward, and your momentum will be steady.  Before you know it you will have sailed right through to the other side of the issue and it has been resolved.  I was talking to my best friend last night and was telling him this exact same thing.  Nothing can hold us back if we just keep focus on the situations surroundings and deal with the issues as they arise.  I call this plodding along, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will have made it through that issue or crisis and will be heading toward the next one.  On Facebook I posted "It appears that I have entered the storm...Wonder what new direction God has planned for me now. A new adventure and journey lie beyond the storm. I can see a break in the clouds, ready boys weigh anchor, set sail and let's go...I am ready for this change."  I am confident that I am going to get through this time. I can see a break in the clouds and I know that there is sun and warmth on the horizon.

As I have told you before we never know when trouble is going to pop up, we actually are given very little warning. The reason for this is that everything we have been through in the past is supposed to prepare us for what is coming next.  Yet, there are times when something we have never experienced or encountered before creeps up on us and we are taken totally by surprise.  We honestly have no idea how to approach or handle the situation.  I believe this is the time when God will send us a person we need that will help us manage the problem.  See I believe that every person that is brought into your life is there for a reason, some of the time we encounter someone who can teach us something that we don't know about ourselves or life.  Other times there is someone that is brought into our lives because we are meant to teach them something.  Whatever the case maybe keep your eyes and ears open, your help is already there and you just don't even know it yet.  We are never thrown totally into a situation unprepared or where a way out hasn't been provided us.  We just have to look around and change our perspective to see the answer and the solution or to find the one that was there to be our support through the problem.

Like I said everyone comes into our lives for a reason and are there for their allotted time before they move on.  There is a third type of person that comes into our lives that may always be there. They are our confidants, our best friends, they can be our teacher sometimes, they can be our student sometimes as well, but they are always there as an ear to talk to a person to depend on and a shoulder to rest upon. These are the most precious of people in our lives and they form a very unique support network. They are going to be there with you through thick and thin and will always have your back.  They are the ones you can trust and count on when everyone else has failed you. These are the ones that you must take care of and be sure that you nurture and tend to that friendship they are rare indeed.

As for my problems, they are minor, I know that I will make it through them with only a little of muss and fuss. I know that there has been some kind of mistake on the court's side in Atlanta and in the morning I will get it taken care of.  As far as the job is concerned I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make it all work out. Nothing is impossible in this world if we only strive for perfection one day at a time.  Keep that in mind and take it with you.  You will see that what I am saying is the truth.  But as I get ready to close this out I want to leave you with one thing more. I know I mentioned what seems like ages ago, but Salt n Pepa told us in a song, "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve".  With that I am going to say good night.  Remember positive thoughts bring positive energy. Keep your chin up because this too shall pass! Like it always does and you are going to be that much stronger for it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Shutting down and closing yourself off should never be an option!

Last night I talked about some of the issues I have been facing.  How I have felt alone and dead inside because the one person I want to share my issues with has closed themselves off and has shut down. He is trying to deal with his own health issues on his own. He has shut down and cut himself off from his family, friends and loved ones, he has isolated himself to try and deal with his problems on his own.  I have reached out sent text messages, left voice mails, tried calling, even resorted to emails and emailing him via Facebook. His isolation has made me feel alone, lost and has caused me to worry more than he can possibly imagine at this point.  It has also kept him from participating in what has been happening with me. I am sure that he has gotten my messages, and knows that I have been in the hospital twice, that I have gone to see my surgeon, and have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.  But, what he doesn't know is what I have found out so far, and how it is going to impact our relationship.  What he also hasn't come to realize is that by cutting me out and isolating himself from me he is cutting his lifeline, keeping him from using the knowledge and experience I have in the matters he is going through.

See I am a firm believer in talking, communication to me is the key to everything in life. When we talk about our problems and issues with others we gain perspective, and the mountains we have made out of the molehills take on a very different shape. By discussing our problems with others we begin to realize that maybe our issues aren't as big and as scary as they were when we were trying to deal with them on our own.  By confiding in others, giving them the trust of our openness we find that we have a support network that we can fall back on, that we are not alone in our fight, and we are now open to suggestions, knowledge and guidance that may help us navigate the issue at hand.  I know what I am talking about here. I have 20 years of dealing with illness, I have a great network of family and friends that I can call on to help me tackle the problems that arise.  I know how important it is because I also need help from time to time to navigate the pitfall, stumbling blocks and hazards that life throws at us.

I can help my friend with his problems because I have been there. I know what he is going through, the emotions he is feeling and I can protect him and help him navigate and find the best care out there to treat what is happening with him.  But, I also realize that his shutting down is his coping mechanism, his defense against a threat that is bigger than himself, and how he is handling and mitigating his fear.  But knowing these things doesn't help me feel less helpless and alone in this situation. See we are a couple, a partnership, and he should be able to confide in me, trust me with his fears, concerns and what is happening with him.  I can be his rock, his guidance and inspiration in this fight. I want him to know that he isn't alone, that he is the one person and thing that keeps me going in my own battle. I want to repay that by being his!

I know that sometimes it is hard to see the forest because all we can see is the trees before us.  I know that we can lose our way and get lost if we aren't watching where we place our feet.  But, I also know that we all need someone, we don't always know what to do or how to react to information that is thrust upon us.  Talking and communicating with others helps us with that.  It also keeps us grounded and focused on ourselves and what we need to do to solve the issue or problem.  We don't have to fight any fight alone, we have those around us that are more than willing to share in our pain, adventure and life if we just give them the opportunity.  Maybe it is pride, or fear that keeps us from opening up. Maybe it is the mistaken thought that if we don't say what we are facing out loud, if we don't consciously think about it, will make it less real and less threatening.  Trust me those are fantasies, what we are experiencing is real and no matter what we wish or hope it isn't going to go away on it's own. We have to face them with courage, hope and conviction that we are going to win and survive.  Keep a positive attitude and outlook will go a long way in making the situation bearable and manageable, but we have to get there and gain that perspective. It just doesn't magically appear.

Give voice to your doubts, turn to your friends and family, let them help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through, you are going to be happier if you do. You will feel less vulnerable, you won't feel isolated and alone, let them help you carry the burden, because you shouldn't have to deal with the weight of the issue by yourself.  Keep yourself open to the ideas and opinions of others, because they may give you an insight or inspiration that you might have otherwise missed.  A different treatment plan or way to handle the situation, because we each see things differently and from different perspectives.  Try looking at the problem or issue through another persons eyes and you will understand what I am talking about here.

Also if you are in a relationship with someone you cannot expect them to sit idly by and let you deal with the issue on your own.  You have to understand that they already feel powerless to help you, they see the pain that you are carrying and they know that they can do nothing to alleviate it and make it better.  But what they can do is be there for you, they can be the shoulder that you cry upon, they can lend you their strength, support and wisdom, and they can help you find the right answer.  You owe it to them to give them the opportunity.  Keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street, that it is a partnership, you are supposed to be working together to build something, but you are also there to help one another through the difficult times too.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them, let yourself embrace their love, warmth and support.  Listen to them, let them help you carry the burden and lessen your load.  It will make it easier for you to heal and get better if you aren't weighed down with the stress and weight of the situation all by yourself.

I posted several weeks ago on Facebook a message to my partner, I know he knew it was for him, just as I know that most if not all of his posts are meant specifically for me. Others, may not even know that we are dating or a couple but we know it, and we have a short handed way of talking to each other even when we aren't really talking.  It helps us realize that we are in it together. But in my post I reminded him that we are a partnership and that I wasn't a silent partner, but a full sharing member. I was hoping he would get the point that I am here for him and always will be. Even if we weren't dating and didn't have plans to be moving in together soon. I would still be there for him. See when I tell you I am your friend, I am your friend no matter what. I will be there for you and you can count on me. I am not going anywhere.  I promise you I am your friend till the very end.  If I open my mouth and I say the words I love you, you better know that I mean them, because those aren't words that I say to everyone, and they have a special meaning for me. They are words of binding, and if I love you, that means I am with you, and only you.

I know if you have read my other posts in the blog I mention that the human heart is the only heart I know that has the capacity to love more than one person, it is also the only heart I know that can love someone unconditionally.  We have the ability to accept a person, their good parts and when we do that and we are truly in love we never even notice or see the bad parts of them.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation that I find myself in, be sure you let your friend or partner know that you are there for them, give them the space and time they need to come to the realization that you are sincere, you are for real and that you aren't going anywhere. Because often times we let our past experiences color our thoughts and ideas about our present, and we can't do that. Remember no two people are the same, and no two experiences are exactly the same no matter how similar they may actually seem.  If someone has left you in the past when you have confided in them or have asked for their help, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do the same to you.  You have to accept people at face value. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words.  I know from first hand experience that anybody can tell you anything, yet their actions and time will reveal if those words that they have spoke are actually true. I am not saying that at the time they were spoken they weren't true, because they probably were. But, their strength and the strength of their character may be weaker than they thought. See if they follow through and live up to what they have said and promised.  Most people will, but those that don't measure up, let them go, because they aren't the ones you want to have trying to support you in a time of crisis.

I also posted yesterday that the scars of the past are always with us.  They are visible, but just because they are still there doesn't mean that they aren't healed.  By saying this what I mean is that we have gotten past the hurts of our past, and we are reminded of that past by the scars we bear, but just because that scar is there, doesn't mean that ever other person is going to do the same thing to you. You have learned from the mistake, you have healed from it, be open and receptive, the next person isn't going to do the same thing to you, give them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to show you that they aren't going to reopen that old wound.  As I have said earlier no two people are the same, neither are two situations, so you getting hurt exactly the same way this time through isn't likely at all to happen.  We also have to stop looking backwards, because we cannot move forward if we are constantly focused on the past.  The baggage of the past needs to also be left in the past, don't keep comparing your current to your past because that would be like comparing apples and oranges, because no two situations are identical.

Please understand that by closing yourself off from your support network of friends and family will seriously limit you from receiving the guidance and wisdom you will need to prevail over your situation. Each person is different and should be afforded the opportunity to prove to you that they are not going to hurt you like the person from your past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Can a lone desire make a person change their sexual preference?

In my life I have had 2 different men tell me that they were changing their sexual preference from gay to straight and I often wonder if that is really and truly possible.  If we go back to my earlier blog entry on my thoughts on bisexuality, I would say that it is possible however I don't think it is actually probable.  I think that at some point in the future old desires and feelings are going to come back to the foreground and trouble is going to brew.  As I stated in my earlier article I feel that we all start out as bisexual and that it is our associations and the associations we form that pull us in one direction or another.  If a person has lived their life bonding and feeling closer to men, they tend to become aligned with being gay. In other words the kinship and relationships they feel most comfortable with is with men there fore they tend to be homosexual.  The reverse is also true. However, why do you think that gay men have more straight girlfriends than their heterosexual counterparts? That one is easier to explain, because men that tend to bond and form relationships with other men feel a connection to their feminine side and have a natural affinity toward females.  Females are not threatened by their gay counterparts and can form close binding friendships with gay men because they have a common interest.

So my question is this, if a gay man finds themselves wanting children and a normal life can they revert back through the years of their lifestyle and become heterosexual?  In most cases I don't actually believe that is possible.  See I believe that we are the culmination of the events and choices that we have made in our lives. I also feel that each experience that we have molds us and forms a pattern that we become used to. It maybe possible for a person to bury their true feelings and nature for a while, but in the long run the urges and itches are going to once again surface.  When that happens lives get shattered and feelings get hurt and there is a sense of betrayal on at least one of the parties concerned.  I have known older men that have lived their lives as heterosexual men that play with other men without their spouses being aware of their true nature and their desires.  I have also seen some of those men at a later age in life come clean about their sexuality and how it disrupts their families and hurts the ones they love and care about.  How do you think you would feel if you were married to someone for 20 years only to find out that they secretly had feelings for someone of the same sex and that there was nothing you could do to compete.

Now, also imagine if after 20 years you have children that are involved. How do you think they would feel finding out that one of their parents wasn't who they thought they were? Believe me their world would be turned upside down and there would be a lot of pain and confusion. Eventually as time goes on I believe that hurt would lessen and love and feelings would eventually come back.  But, realize this, the damage has been done and only time and distance will make those hurts fade.  Again my question is it actually possible for a person to go against the pattern that they have been living and totally change?  I think that maybe it could be if the desire was strong enough, and that they were never truly comfortable with the choices they have made in the past. However, I do honestly believe that we are creatures of habit and that our lives revolve in patterns, and once a pattern has been ingrained for years on end, I don't honestly believe that a conscious change will hold up and keep for the long haul.  I honestly think as I said earlier that those feelings and the old patterns will reemerge at a later point.

It is important for you to understand that you have to be totally honest with yourself and your feelings. If you have a strong desire to have a child there are ways you can accomplish that without trying to rewrite and change your whole history.  As a friend of mine is finding out, most people don't believe that he has changed and that over time he will revert back to his old ways.  Personally my feelings on this are as I stated above, I believe that under certain circumstances a change can be made, but I am not 100 percent convinced that the change will be permanent.  I am reminded of a movie I once saw where a bisexual guy dated a gay man for awhile.  The bisexual went on to marry a woman, however years later that same man came back to his old gay partner and found that what he was really looking for was there all along, that he didn't really fit in to either lifestyle and the closest he could find to what he was looking for was the gay man and his son.  In some of us the desire to have a child is so strong that we go to extremes to have one, and in the long run end up running the risk of ourselves not being happy, and having to live a lie that we are not entirely comfortable with.  I am here to tell you that there are ways around this misconception and no one has to get hurt.  The truth of the matter is like in all things in life you have to start with yourself and be completely honest with yourself and how you are feeling.  You have to look inward and truly search your heart and desires and see what it is that you really want and how comfortable you feel.

If you have always found yourself attracted to men, and have had relationships with them in the past, I am not sure you are going to be happy trying to change your sexuality just because you want to have a child or you think that it will make your family and friends happy.  What you have to do is live for yourself and make yourself happy. See I know for a fact only you have your own best interest at heart and that only you can make yourself happy all of the time, but you have to be honest with yourself and completely receptive to the feelings that you keep bottled up inside of yourself.  As I have told you in previous entries there is still a part of me that is attracted to women, however, I find that I have an easier time bonding with and associating with men. Therefore I know that I am gay.  I feel comfortable in gay relationships, however I see the attraction and acceptance one would feel if they could find themselves accepted as normal and straight in today's society. I also know the desire to have a child and I know that with my health and other conditions that it will probably never happen unless I adopt or chose someone else's child to raise as my own.

But I guess I have been hitting all around my question and I have given a wishy-washy answer. Can a person change their sexuality and live with it and not end up reverting back at some point in the future?  Honestly, I don't know for sure. I know that my first lover is married now and she knows about his past and has accepted him for it.  I know she also knows about me and the feelings that we once had for each other. I also know that he broke off all ties and communication with me years ago because he didn't think his wife would understand his communicating with an ex that he had a long term relationship with.  I can't say that I blame him for that one.  But what do I know of his exploits from that point? I can honestly say nothing.  My friend that is going through this now, is at the beginning and I am not sure what his true feelings are a this point because I haven't really had a chance to talk to him in depth about his decision and the motivations behind it.

What I do know is that no matter the outcome of either of their relationships, I am still their friend and always will be. When I tell someone I am their friend I am their friend till the end with no questions asked.  See to me it doesn't matter about your orientation or preferences, you are still the person I knew and loved and offered my hand too in friendship and nothing is going to change that.  You cannot take away all of our experiences together nor can you deny all the interactions we have experienced as friends.

So in the long run do I care if someone is gay or straight or bisexual?  No, it matters little to me.  See it is the person that I am friends with and if I am truly your friend I accept you for you, who you were when I met you and the person you are going to become.  I accept you fully, that means the good the bad and the indifferent.  See I have found that the human heart has a great capacity for love. The is no limit to the number of people we can love, our hearts are as big as our brains and if you truly accept a person and are their friend you are going to accept them unconditionally and totally.  You are going to be supportive and help them carry out their goals and plans. You are going to stand by them and offer them words of encouragement and advice on each and every situation they find themselves in.  A friendship is a type of relationship that is built as much on trust and communication as it is on love and understanding. There is a reason why you and your friends always seem to get over the fights and work through the tough times and remain friends.  That is because of love and the heart and energy you put into those friendships.

Will my friend be successful in his heterosexual journey, I am not sure or convinced at this point, but I will tell you what, it is my responsibility to support his decision and offer him the advice and guidance I can to help him reach the goal he has set for himself at this point. Whether he makes it and keeps living it, is up to him. But I will be there for him no matter the outcome.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Is it your Strength of Character that defines you in other people's eyes?

Or is it what they see in you that gives them hope and strength to face the coming days?  I have attached my first podcast to this blog and you can hear my thoughts on this subject.  Hopefully this will be the first of many podcast to come.  Now, with that being said I would ask you to forgive the long pauses, the um's and the definite sound of me smoking a cigarette throughout.  Don't judge me too harshly this is my first attempt and done on one cup of coffee only.  I promise it can only get better from here!

Now today, my topic is strength of character and by that I mean what others around you see and notice about you! Believe it or not! People around me always comment on my strength, endurance and positive attitude.  They give me credit for things like pulling through cancer twice, leukemia, radiation enteritis, hepatitis c, bowel resections, colostomies, ileostomies and the myriad of other things I have gone through.  They tell me how strong and brave I am.  But, you know what are those really my strengths of character?  I don't count them as such, all I really did is survive!  Now, I am not saying that I didn't fight for my life. What I am saying is this, I didn't know anything else to do. I wanted to live so I kept going.  Sure there were times when I thought I couldn't withstand another round of chemotherapy or radiation.  Where I told my mom I was tired and wanted to quit.

But, the secret and the key to all of this is I turned it all over to God and the power of prayer.  You would be surprised at the hundreds and hundreds of people that have lifted me up in prayers including my mother.  Without them and God I wouldn't be here today.  I actually don't count that as strength of character.  I count that as faith.  See the body and the mind are miraculous things, and God created it and knows it's inner working better than anyone and can heal it.  When I talk of strength of character, I want you to think of those attributes of yourself that other people see and measure. Such as your desire to help them.  To love them unconditionally by accepting them for who the are, their behaviors, hang ups, moods, their decisions and actions.  Yes, you maybe disappointed at times by something they have done, but regardless you love them none the less.

Trust me when I tell you we all have a great capacity for love. There is an endless supply and it's yours to give.  When I think of strength of character, I think of integrity, your word, your bond.  When you tell someone that are your friend no matter what and you are true to it, that is a strength of character.  Each of you can confirm that if I have told you that we were friends you can believe you can count on that.  Further, if I have told you that I love you, you can believe that I do.  Understand that I don't use that word freely.  When I love I love hard and it never fades.  I love you through the good times, the bad times and anything in between.  That also goes for my friendships as well. You are always going to be a part of me and my life.  I am a firm believer that we are the culmination of all our decisions, actions, consequences and friendships, each one of these things goes a long way into building our character. Since we are talking about strength of character I would like to think that all the good points of ourselves are absorbed by our friends and loved ones and makes us that much stronger.

For those of you who have known me for years you can attest to the fact that no matter what I have always tried to help when and where I could, always giving of myself.  One of my ex's called it the Stray Syndrome, I always tried to help those on the street by providing them with shelter, safety, food or whatever I could to help them get back on their feet again.  Over the past 21 years or so I have given freely of myself and if you read my entry on the "Defining Moment" you will understand how one error in my judgement changed my whole outlook and helped mold me into the person I have become.  You don't know how many times over that span of time I have heard how I was two-faced, fake, phony and too good to be true.  That no one could be as nice as me.  Only to have those same critics come back and tell me that they were wrong that I am sincere, that I did care, and thank me for taking the time to help them.  This is my strength of character, a testament to being a loving giving friend, who wanted to help never expecting or demanding anything in return.  I am not trying to brag or toot my own horn, there are hundreds of people who can tell you all about this.  Ask Greg, E, Kameron, Joe, Sterling, any one of them can tell you how I sacrificed myself, my relationships, my home, personal needs to help everyone around me.

In all honesty most of my relationships ended because of my need to surround myself with others like myself that just needed a little helping hand. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions I chose to follow my heart. I know I hurt some really good people who loved me and thought I was kidding myself, that I was throwing everything away. But I wasn't, I truly just wanted to help genuinely and sincerely.  I took their love and their strength, these partners of mine, and I sacrificed their love on that alter of giving.  I am sure that they can see now what I was doing now that I have let out the story of why.

Oh there were the dark times of my life, the drug days! where I taught people how to slam for the very first time. But even then I was conscientious of y duty to help and protect them.  My rule was if we do this we do it together. I watched them, helped them through the experience. I was there offering safe harbor and a place to enjoy the experience without pressure or judgement.  I know some of you may judge me harshly because of this.  But you know what that is alright! because you can't judge me any harder than I judge myself.  There is a difference here that I would like to point out, even though my actions may seem destructive and the help that I gave could be seen as irresponsible, trust me looking back I realize this myself, I wouldn't change my experiences one bit, I may have saved a few people their lives by teaching them the right way to do things and the proper dosages.  Another reason why I wouldn't change anything I have done, is because of all the wonderful people I have met, interacted with and have made a connection too.  Throughout everything, I have been through and experienced it is the people, the love, and friendships that been built that I cherish.  It is the dedication and friendship, love, support, the network that has developed that are a testament to my strength of character.

People look at my life as a learning inspiration.  They see that I live by what I preach, because my message is simple, it is love, unity, acceptance, understanding, companionship and true friendship.  These are the values I have and I show in my daily life.  I help others to the exclusion of everything else and I think that is what defines me.  As long as I am helping other people working towards making their life a better place. That is where I want to be. This is my story! What is yours? Tell me what makes you a person that is strong in character? What makes me want to look at your life and choose it as an inspiration to live my life by?  Get back with me and let me know about that!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Warning...this podcast is 12 minutes and 28 seconds in length. I hope you will take the time to listen to it again, it is my first attempt please be easy on all the pauses, um's and other obvious mistakes...I will endeavor to try and make the next one better.