Change

Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Time and Again

This post is meant to give thanks to the many healthcare providers that have been extremely instrumental in my continued health. Yes it is true that almost weekly I have a myriad of medical appointments and lab work that needs to be done. Yet, if it wasn't for the diligent work of these health care professionals I would probably withered away and have died way before now.

As I am sitting here waiting to be seen by yet another doctor, I am reminded of how much hard work and long hours these professionals put in just to keep​ me as well as their other​ patients healthy and alive. I know that I would be hard pressed if I had to go without the medications that I am on. Monitoring of these medications and the effects that they have on my body are essential to my good health.

There was a period not so long ago when I was on an HIV regimen that wasn't closely monitored and my health severely suffered because of that. It was determined that the regimen that I was on had severely and irrevocably damaged my kidneys. Once it was discovered a monitoring program was soon put in place, but the damage was already extensive and done there was no coming back from it. Less than a year later a small tumor was found on my right kidney and my new journey had begun.

It has been a little more than a year that the tumor on my right kidney was found. The myriad of doctor's and healthcare providers I have been through in just that year alone has been staggering. I'm currently under the care of a urologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville and it looks like the year long journey that I have been on is finally drawing to a close.  This journey has been long and arduous starting with ultrasounds, then CT scans and ultimately ending in a series of MRI'S all of which had indicated continuous growth and the possibility of spreading.

You would think that after 25 years of battling this disease that I might have finally become used to all the test, treatments and surgeries that have resulted from having this disease. But, time and again cancer seems bound and determined to come back. It keeps these myriads of healthcare professional working harder than ever to get me to the state of wellness. Sometimes I dream of having just a few moments of good health to consider myself​ normal and healthy.

I guess as dreams go it isn't a bad one to have. But, no matter the circumstances I am under no illusions that I will ever be able to live my life as a healed, whole individual. That even through their best efforts medical science can only do so much to correct the damage that cancer has done to my body. I must accept the limitations and restrictions that have become my norm and rejoice in the continued life that God has granted me.

Remembering always that man can only do so much when it comes to this vehicle our mind resides in. God who is the Ultimate Physician is the only one with the power to restore me back to full health. I can never truly trust the findings of the world of medicine, because as been my case in the past the predictions that they provide me with have been far from accurate. Only God knows the time and place of my demise. Because everything that I have been through and continue to go through are what strengthens me and gives me the experience I need to get through the next phase of my existence.

See, I have become very familiar with living on borrowed time knowing that any moment might be my last. Knowing that each time I have to have an operation or treatment might be my very last. There seems to always be a new treatment or procedure that has yet to be tried. I'm comforted knowing that in all things God has me in the palms of His hands and that as long as I am needed here on Earth I will continue to make these recoveries and be able to give witness and testament to the miracles of God.

So no matter if time and again I have to be seen by doctor's, nurses, lab techs or other healthcare professionals I will always be in God's Grace and He will take care of my needs .

Rejoice for God is the Healer and architect of your body and can and will restore you according to His detailed plan regarding your life and work.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Expect the Unexpected...

As most of you are aware the first few days of December have been extremely busy for me. We had rehearsal for the play “Faces of AIDS” on Thursday November 29^th and the actual live performance was on December 1^st. Now keep in mind that December 1^st is World's AIDS Day and it is also my birthday. This year I turned 44, which is surprising and amazing in itself since no one ever thought I was going to make it to be this old. But you know God has different ideas and plans for our lives and if our work on earth isn't finished then he just might not bring you home. Actually if you want to know that truth of the matter my life started picking up speed right before Thanksgiving and hasn't actually slowed down yet. But as I was saying since I was co-author of the play and a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and this was a benefit to raise funds for our organization to help us meet the grant requirements, it was my duty to help set up the space and get us ready for the performance. However since it was my birthday I was expected to make an appearance at my dad's place to have a little celebration before the rehearsal and set up, so that is just what I did and it worked out well, I was able to get to the Museum of Arts and Sciences early and help the cast get all set up and organized. Now when I tell you that the performance was awesome, a good time was had by all, I am not selling us short. For the amount of time we had to rehearse and get this under our belts we did a fabulous job. We had a great turn out and when we opened it up to questions and answers the audience participation was excellent. I want to again tell the members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau once again, Good Job, Well Done and I am so proud of you.

But that was just the beginning of the adventure that was going to start on December 1^st, after the Faces of AIDS Benefit, most of us went on to the Streamline Hotel for another fund-raising event that was to benefit Outreach Community Care Network an AIDS Service Organization of which I am a client of. They are the organization that helps administer the Ryan White Title funding for Volusia and Flagler counties. They are almost like a pride center, they offer medical services, case management, and a whole host of other services. But I digress as usual here. The benefit at the Streamline Hotel was in Tribute and Remembrance of Billie Boots. Who was a pioneer and champion in raising money for HIV and AIDS from the very beginning. I am proud to say that I knew Billie and the huge heart that he/she had for those infected and affected by HIV. For those of you that haven't figured it out Billie was a female impersonator or as some might call her a Drag Queen, no matter what your choice of titles for Billie, I will just say this an Entertainer that really loved Entertaining. Now back in the day when I first met Billie I was a struggling and aspiring female entertainer myself and I had a stage name of Idora Dixx and for years I traveled the drag circuit with folks like Billie Boots, Gilda Golden, Rusty Fawcett, Carmella Marcella Garcia, Paige King, Daniel Hunter and the list goes on. It was at this fundraiser at the Streamline that I ran into my past and reconnected with some great friends and entertainers that I had lost touch with over the years. It was a fabulous night and a great time supporting a worthy cause.

It was also that night that my tooth broke, so Monday I spent the day trying to get in to see a dentist to get it fixed, and then start packing, because my friend Judy decided to call me Sunday December 2^nd and pay for my plane ticket out to L.A. Then Tuesday came and I had an appointment with the dentist in Orlando so my friend Mary Bennefield and I jumped in the car and drove to Orlando to see the dentist only to be sent away because I had an infection and my insurance would only cover extracting the tooth. Wednesday my friend had neuro-surgery and I promised to take Mary grocery shopping and run errands. Thursday I had to clean house, do laundry, meet with the Vocational Rehabilitation people and so many other things. Because I was leaving on my trip to California on Friday. Now normally I am not so manic, but I really wanted to get the house clean and everything put up so that when I came home from this trip everything would be done and I wouldn't have to do anything but come home and relax. Because in my experience I usually need a vacation from the vacation because I am one of those people that is always on the go.

Now the whole reason why I am telling you all of this stuff is to demonstrate that we need to always expect the unexpected and be amazed and surprised when miracles happen in our lives. Because let me tell you a bit more about this past week, the things that just jumped out at me and happened. These are not all bad things, most of them have been pleasant revelations and I want to demonstrate them to you. See the way things were happening, me being sick with pneumonia right after Thanksgiving, the play rehearsals, then the benefits, I just had no time to think let alone do anything but react. Because of that I was open to the unexpected and great things happened. I think in a way because I wasn't feeling well, and so much was happening around me, my mind just disconnected and I was open to receiving the unexpected. Now what am I talking about by the unexpected? Well let me tell you, the unexpected are events that take place around you and include you that you are unprepared for totally. That being said I will use the play event as an example, even though I had helped write the script for the play and helped with stage managing and blocking the cast, I wasn't actually prepared mentally for the performance. I had just been out of the hospital for 7 days and my mind couldn't remember my lines to save my life. But when it came down too it and I was on the stage and the action was happening around me, a peace settled over me, it almost seemed like time slowed down, and the action around me faded just a little, and the words poured out of my mind and mouth like I knew what they were supposed to be. That my friends is the unexpected. Moving on, I was exhausted and my feet hurt from being on them all day, I had no intention of going to the Streamline that night, but I had never been there before and everyone was talking about going and somehow I just agreed and went. Bam! The unexpected happened, not only did I have a fantastic time and got to hangout with my new friends from the Speakers Bureau, I also ran into some very old and dear friends from my past. I actually reconnected with a few, exchanged numbers and have made plans with them for after my trip to California. So see, the unexpected just jumped out at me and happened. The rest of the week was just happening so fast and everything was a blur, I didn't think I would even have time to catch my breath let alone get everything done that I wanted to get done before I left, but as I shut the door on my apartment this morning I smiled on with contentment everything was completed and done before my father ever showed up to take me to the airport.

Here is another example of expect the unexpected, and it wasn't necessarily a good thing either, see the unexpected can be either good or bad depending on the situation and the circumstances that surround it. I got up this morning had a few last minute things to pack, which I had put out in the living room by the suitcase so I would see them when I got up, I got all of that done with remarkable precision, even had the ticket laying on the coffee table in a place where I would see it and pick it up. Dad got there and I scooted around to get him the stuff I wanted him to take home because I thought it might go bad while I was gone. As we left out I gave the keys to my neighbor so she could collect my mail for me and stuff, and had dad take me to the gas station to get an electronic cigarette so I could have something to smoke on while I was in the airport and on the plane. Once I paid for it and got back in the car I looked around and couldn't find my itinerary or e-tickets anywhere. I couldn't find them in the car, we went back to the gas station and they weren't there, and then we went back to my apartment and I looked around and couldn't find them anywhere. All my careful planning and making sure I had everything went right out the door. I had made dad come over early so I could be early to the airport. Got there just a little before noon and guess what the flight didn't leave until 3:55, it was supposed to leave at 1:52. Then my connecting flight in Charlotte was also delayed. Again, it is me, I should have expected the unexpected!

Honestly no matter how hard I try to plan something it always falls apart or turns out a colossal mess, however if I do things spontaneously and by the seat of my pants it usually turns out spectacular. I have been told that it is a part of my nature as dictated by my zodiac sign which is Sagittarius. I am not sure how true that is but I know that things seem to flow better and have better results when I just wing it as they say. So, what is it that I am trying to tell you in this article? I am telling you that you have to be open and flexible. Life rarely goes the way we want or plan, you have to accept the inevitable and just go with the flow, the unexpected isn't always negative, it can have some positive benefits as well just like in my examples. The truth is life just happens and no matter how carefully you plan, sculpt and try to make things happen, it might just go awry for no apparent reasons. Realizing this will cut down on the stress and disappointment you feel when it happens to you. I have told you before that life is messy, full of twisted and colorful characters, chance events and encounters, adventures and all sorts of things that will get you totally filthy dirty if you let it. Enjoy it, go out there and get crazy wild and totally dirty, but have fun doing it. Don't let your temper flair because your vacations plans got screwed up, go with the flow, enjoy yourself. I am sure that if you just let it go, go with the flow and enjoy yourself no matter what you are going to have the time of your life.

Life is crazy, hectic, and doesn't conform nicely or neatly into rigid roles, rules and plans, so you have to expect that you are going to be thrown a curve-ball every now and then, that your plans are never going to happen as you expect them to and that you have to be flexible and enthusiastic enough to just go with it and enjoy it. This trip started off pretty good and I am rolling with the flow here, and I am happy that I did, I haven't gotten upset or stressed out at all and this is going to be the best trip ever, wanna know why? Cuz, I found out that my boyfriend is coming to meet me tomorrow which is totally unexpected, but totally welcome. Again expect the unexpected and be open to change. It is all about acceptance and adaptability.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B