Time and Again

This post is meant to give thanks to the many healthcare providers that have been extremely instrumental in my continued health. Yes it is true that almost weekly I have a myriad of medical appointments and lab work that needs to be done. Yet, if it wasn't for the diligent work of these health care professionals I would probably withered away and have died way before now.

As I am sitting here waiting to be seen by yet another doctor, I am reminded of how much hard work and long hours these professionals put in just to keep​ me as well as their other​ patients healthy and alive. I know that I would be hard pressed if I had to go without the medications that I am on. Monitoring of these medications and the effects that they have on my body are essential to my good health.

There was a period not so long ago when I was on an HIV regimen that wasn't closely monitored and my health severely suffered because of that. It was determined that the regimen that I was on had severely and irrevocably damaged my kidneys. Once it was discovered a monitoring program was soon put in place, but the damage was already extensive and done there was no coming back from it. Less than a year later a small tumor was found on my right kidney and my new journey had begun.

It has been a little more than a year that the tumor on my right kidney was found. The myriad of doctor's and healthcare providers I have been through in just that year alone has been staggering. I'm currently under the care of a urologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville and it looks like the year long journey that I have been on is finally drawing to a close.  This journey has been long and arduous starting with ultrasounds, then CT scans and ultimately ending in a series of MRI'S all of which had indicated continuous growth and the possibility of spreading.

You would think that after 25 years of battling this disease that I might have finally become used to all the test, treatments and surgeries that have resulted from having this disease. But, time and again cancer seems bound and determined to come back. It keeps these myriads of healthcare professional working harder than ever to get me to the state of wellness. Sometimes I dream of having just a few moments of good health to consider myself​ normal and healthy.

I guess as dreams go it isn't a bad one to have. But, no matter the circumstances I am under no illusions that I will ever be able to live my life as a healed, whole individual. That even through their best efforts medical science can only do so much to correct the damage that cancer has done to my body. I must accept the limitations and restrictions that have become my norm and rejoice in the continued life that God has granted me.

Remembering always that man can only do so much when it comes to this vehicle our mind resides in. God who is the Ultimate Physician is the only one with the power to restore me back to full health. I can never truly trust the findings of the world of medicine, because as been my case in the past the predictions that they provide me with have been far from accurate. Only God knows the time and place of my demise. Because everything that I have been through and continue to go through are what strengthens me and gives me the experience I need to get through the next phase of my existence.

See, I have become very familiar with living on borrowed time knowing that any moment might be my last. Knowing that each time I have to have an operation or treatment might be my very last. There seems to always be a new treatment or procedure that has yet to be tried. I'm comforted knowing that in all things God has me in the palms of His hands and that as long as I am needed here on Earth I will continue to make these recoveries and be able to give witness and testament to the miracles of God.

So no matter if time and again I have to be seen by doctor's, nurses, lab techs or other healthcare professionals I will always be in God's Grace and He will take care of my needs .

Rejoice for God is the Healer and architect of your body and can and will restore you according to His detailed plan regarding your life and work.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

The death of Self

You may be wondering what I mean when I say that self must die.  During my recent hospitalizations I realized something profoundly important.  See, I know that God is with me and has His angels surrounding me at any given moment of the day.  We are truly never alone even when we feel that there is no one with us and feel weary and burdened.  Yet, the truth of the matter is that no matter what you are facing, going through, or experiencing we are truly never left alone and helpless.

Christians believe that when we are born again and baptized into our faith, that the Holy Spirit is imparted to us.  I believe this to mean that when we seek forgiveness for our sinful nature and repent of our sins before God, we are given a Comforter, whom I believe is the Holy Spirit and He takes up residence within us.  The Bible is pretty specific when talking about the Holy Spirit, rebirth and the indwelling and the Comforter is mentioned several times throughout the gospels.  However, when we are born again in Christ our spiritual body goes through a change and this change enables the Holy Spirit to take up residence within our being.  Remember that the body is a temple and should be treated as such and given the reverence and respect the House of the Lord deserves.

But what does it truly mean for one's self to die?  I believe that there comes a time when you realize that nothing you do would ever be enough to over come a problem or difficulty.  You may have some deep seeded fear or desire that you with the Lord to take care of. You bring it to Him in the form of prayer, and we are told that we are to leave it there.  What does that mean leave it there?  It means that once you present your problem to the Lord and lay it at His feet you must then walk away, do not think on it, dwell on it or worry about it ever again.  For if you do any of those things you have not truly left them at the feet of Jesus.

We all have had times when we feel that our prayers are going no higher than the ceiling and maybe you don't understand why, and you become anxious thinking that your prayer is not being answered or even heard. I want to reassure you that all prayers are heard, it is then our job to relinquish them and worry no more.  Know in your heart of hearts that the Lord is going to answer the prayer and deliver you from whatever circumstance you are going through.  Yet, here is the hard part, as humans we are used to doing things on our own, making a difference, and we almost always seem to use the term I.  I did this, I accomplished this, Look what I have done! etc.  Do you realize that you yourself are becoming a block to your own blessings?  Instead of giving credit where it is actually due, you are letting yourself get in the way.

So here I sit in a hospital bed, waiting to have a second surgery and hoping for the best possible outcome.  I know that there are hundreds of people out there right now praying for me.  They are praying for total healing, or maybe for skilled guidance of the surgeons hands or whatever the case maybe.  Those prayers are being heard even as they are thought of and uttered.  But, if I have not totally surrendered myself to the Will of God, I personally maybe the reason why those prayers are not fulfilled or realized.  I must let go of my fear, anxiety and worry and accept whatever God has planned for me and my life, I might miss out on all those powerful prayers that others are saying for me.

I know that even as the Father watches the sparrow, He is watching over me.  He will not allow me to needlessly let me suffer, and no matter what I am going through there is a lesson there that I must grasp and understand.  God is the great physician, He created this thing we call the body and He knows it down to it's smallest component.  He has graced me with the gift of life and if it be my time to go home than I shall rejoice with the Heavenly Host, but if it isn't my time then I have a lesson to learn and strength to be gathered from the experience.  I must truly surrender and accept that God is in control and He has the best healthcare plan in all the universe.

So I leave you now, knowing that I must have some sleep before the surgery in the morning and that I must give over and totally surrender everything I am and what I believe in order for me to receive the full blessing of the prayers that are being spoken on my behalf.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do not Surrender

It is amazing the things that you can hear when you just sit there and listen.  Last evening a friend of mine from the Snellville days contacted me via Facebook.  She talked and I listened to what she was willing to share with me. As she was talking she said that a true friend never gives up on another friend.  As I lay in the bed I began to think on this and ponder it some more. If you are my friend on Facebook you know that I was unable to sleep last night because my brain seemed to be working in over time.  That simple statement tugged at me and pulled at me, so I began to think about my life long friends.  The ones that I have had for 30 + years. I analyzed the characters of these friends and their caliber.  I wanted to know what made them tick and how we remained friends for so long.

I can honestly say that two of my friends have been through it all with me, the thick, the thin, the boyfriends, the relationships, the moves from Atlanta, to Pennsylvania, to Arlington, back to East Point and so forth.  These two people are rare in the fact that if they had not been in my life I would have died a long time ago.  One of them gave me inspiration and hope while the other one held my hand and cried with me.  Sa'corey knows what I am talking about because he was the one that sat on my bed with me and cried with me when I found out I was HIV + and again when I found out that they were going to have to remove my large intestines.  He wiped my tears, held my hand and let me cry on his big shoulders.  My friend John pulled my head out of depression and set me straight on the path that I am on now.  He looked at me one day shortly after they had removed all the staples from my abdomen and told me that he wanted to know where I was, where was the real Bryan, because the Bryan he was seeing wasn't the person he grew up with.  He told me that he admired me and that I had been the type of person that would set their mind to a task and just go out an get it.  A person who was confident and sure of what he was doing and wasn't afraid to learn new things.

That night I thought about what he had said and I wondered if he was correct if I had lost a part of me.  The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that they were both right.  Sa'corey told me that I was a strong person and I could face what was happening too me and I would win and beat it.  John had pointed out that I was a leader and not a follower, that I had given a part of myself away and that I needed to reclaim it, for if I did I would be able to conquer anything that was thrown at me..  Now you can imagine what my life was like at that time.  I had serious doubts about everything, I had seen the specialist in New York and I knew that nothing could be done about my condition. The damage was done when they operated the first time.  Dreading and fretting that my life as a gay man was over terrified me and weakened me.  But, because of my best friends surrounding me and encouraging me to stay vigilant and strong, because they knew I was going to own this dragon or demon that had attached itself too me.

Upon reflection John was absolutely right I had lost my focus, my drive and my will to survive, and those were the very things I was going to need to rise up and fight this battle.  Sa'corey and John saw something in me and knew that God was with me.  Sa'corey sat with me the night before my surgery and he told me that there were angels all around me and that the light coming from me was brighter than ever. I knew in that moment just how Love, Blessed and Anointed I was, and I was to learn that I was also favored.  I knew in my heart that I was going to make it through the surgery and live, because I knew that God had work for me to do.  This is how awesome God is, that surgery that I had in September of 2007 was more extensive and invasive than the first surgery that I had back in 2005, yet I felt no pain.  My original surgery the pain was so great that I had to walk around the house for hours to lessen it's grip on me.  But I swear to you that I had no pain with this  surgery at all.  I did however lose a lot of weight and started running a high temperature it got as high as 103.7 and when the fever hit me I was unable to walk.

My mother and her friend literally picked me up and put in the car and drove me to the hospital.  Under my staples and abscess had formed and my body was getting weaker and weaker.  The doctors were relying on antibiotics, but that wasn't what was needed at all.  On the third day of the IV antibiotics the surgeon came in and told me that if something didn't change soon that my body was going to shut down and I would drift to sleep and never wake up.  I don't know why I thought that was funny but at that very moment I started to laugh and it was a good laugh it filled my lungs, and bolstered my courage.  So I asked the doctor for some hydrogen peroxide and some que-tips because I couldn't stand how crusty and nasty my staples had become.  He told the nurse to bring it too me that I couldn't hurt myself that I had already gone septic.  She brought me those long wooden que-tips and a small cup full of hydrogen peroxide.  She left the room and I set about to start cleaning my wounds and staples.  Maybe it was the hands of an angel that guided my hand as I made the first mistake, which turned out to be the proper course of action.

I had started cleaning the middle staples because these were the worst crusted of all of them.  Because that was where the initial infection had started and where the puss came from. I dipped the cotton end into the solution and I set out to get all the gunk off of me.  If I was going to die then no one was ever going see this.  That is when it happened my hand slipped and the cotton end glided across the staple surface and went directly into the wound and when I pulled it out the puss and infections started erupting from my abdomen. I called the nurse who brought me sterile gauze and peroxide. For almost and hour and half that wound drained. The very next morning I woke up feeling great I looked down at my stomach and the infection seemed to have vanished.  The doctor came in a bit later and told me that I did what modern medicine couldn't do.  I saved my self by accidentally slipping and puncturing the main pocket of infection and as we were cleaning it out my body went on over drive and defeated  what was remaining.

Why am I telling you all of this?  It is because if I can come through all this adversity and survive so can you. I was born with a fractured skull, my parents were told that I would have brain damage and that I probably would never walk or talk. Well I started talking a little after my first birthday and they haven't been able to shut me up yet.  My mother and father will tell you I have never met a stranger, that I look and bring out the good in people. I am very social and love helping others and. of course I love to write and talk.  But why the title Do not Surrender?  What am I trying to tell you?

My friends whenever someone is told that they have cancer they automatically believe that their life is going to end and they are going to wither away and die.  Some of them might, but most will find that the new treatments are not as harsh as the ones I had to take and there is a much higher success rate with the newer drugs.  So there is hope .  Look I am going lay it out for you straight and to the point. Last year in 2014 I was told that I had 6 terminal illnesses and I had an aneurysm which caused me to need 28 blood transfusions.  I also suffered from a severe case of osteomilitis and was almost paralyzed my spinal cord was seriously compromised.  Yet, when Grace from physical therapy came in that first day and told me that I was going to be stuck in that chair for the rest of my life.  I literally laughed at her like I did the doctor in 2007.  Difference this time was some permanent damage, my spinal column has collapsed due to hundreds of microfractures in my thoracic spine.  The damage has been confirmed to be between the T5 and the T10 vertebrea.  With that being said my rib cage is compressed and I cannot fully expand my lungs because it hurts too bad. Oh and by the way within 2 weeks of her telling me that I would never walk again I carried myself to the gym after training hours and I worked out on the balance bars, I drug my feet along and forced them to work and I was rewarded by being able to walk. Once i left the wheel chair I went to the 2 wheeled walker and had that for about a month or so and then I had  the 4 wheeled walker and though I still have the 4 wheeled walker I no longer need it. I walked out of the nursing home using my cane and today I don't have to have any type of  device to help me walk at all.

Now I have gone through all of these things to show you that no matter what you are going through or what you have to face that God has got you. You do not need to worry, lay your problems at His feet and walk away leaving them there because He will take care of them.  Just keep in mind that our time is not His time.  We might begin to panic but remember that God is always on time.

Do not surrender to your illness, do not surrender to depression, do not surrender to peer pressure, and do not surrender to temptation.  Remember that God has got you, He has a host of angels that surround you. But, most importantly keep in mind that this too shall pass.  No problem is as permanent as the solution.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thought you might like an update....

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook, I figured I would give you an update on my status and why I haven't written much in the past 2 weeks.  For those of you that do follow me on Facebook this might be a little repetitive and for that I apologize.  However, you might find out a little more here since space is sort of limited on Facebook as to what I can post.

Anyhow, July 3rd, I decided to buy a scooter as a mode of transportation to get to and from different events.  I figured this would give me a little more independence and give my parents some slack in running me around.  But as usual if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck, and no matter how much planning I seem to do to accomplish a task, something inevitably goes wrong every time.  So I shouldn't be at all surprised that as soon as I paid for the thing disaster was poised to strike.  Now, you must keep in mind that my father was against me getting this thing from the very beginning and as such has been almost unbearable to live with because of the "I told you so's" and "You never listen to anything I have to say".

Now, not even 10 minutes after I paid for the darn thing, I decided to take a spin around the block just to check it out, I was turning around in a little apartment complex and was sitting at the stop sign waiting to turn right.  Just as I was beginning to go I felt a jolt from behind and the scooter went out of control and started heading for the ditch on the opposite side of the street.  The bad thing is as it was heading toward the ditch, it tipped to the left and I was pinned underneath it as it slid across the pavement.  Needless to say I have lacerations and cuts from top of my head to my foot along the whole left side of my body.  I also broke my ankle in this endeavor.  Before I knew what was happening I flagged down a car and asked them to help me, I knew my head was bleeding but I didn't think I was hurt very badly.  As a matter of fact I kept insisting I was fine as they were trying to strap me down to a backboard.  Now, 2 officers responded to the scene and an ambulance and fire truck, and within minutes I was whisked away to the hospital.

After what seemed like forever, I was examined by the doctor and taken off the backboard, and laid on the bed to get more comfortable.  Now, you all know me and I am a crazy person, I do things that are risky all the time but this wasn't something that I thought was a risk at all.  I was wrong, if you want to know more about that look at my blog entry on "Advice Freely Given".  All I can say at this point is I am glad I am alive and I wasn't hurt more than I was.  Because I just had surgery on June 18th and I had staples from my breast bone to my groin, and honestly I had no business driving let alone being on a scooter.  All that being said, the staples were examined and removed on Friday the 6th of July and everything was fine until Sunday morning.  When I woke up I felt a sharp pain and itching sensation in my abdomen and when I looked 3 sutures had worked their way to the surface of my incision line.  I went to the surgeon today and found out that they are there because when he operated on me he had to cut the muscles and tissue to remove scar tissue and adhesion's that had formed from all my previous surgeries and these sutures are to hold the muscle and tissue in place so they heal properly.

The ends were very sharp and that is what was cutting and scratching my skin and causing me some discomfort.  The bad news was he was unable to remove the sutures because it is still too early and the healing isn't complete.  He told me that the knots had to stay in for at least another month.  He also told me to not be alarmed if they broke through the incision and came to the surface over time.  He was able however to cut the ends off the knots so that they would no longer irritate my skin and tissue and with that being done, I should start to feel better soon.  Directly after leaving the surgeon's office, I went to the orthopedic surgeons office to have my ankle evaluated and was delighted to find out that the actual break wasn't as bad as I had first thought.

I was able to have a walking cast put on, and told that it should only have to stay in place for 4 weeks which is another great piece of news because originally I was told I would be off my foot entirely for the next 12 weeks.  I am probably going to have a lot of scaring because of the abrasions I sustained in the accident but overall I things are definitely looking better than first thought.  Now I am hoping that tomorrow when I go to see the scooter and the damage from the accident the same will be true there as well.  I know my parents are totally against me getting the thing fixed and riding it, and I am not sure I would be brave enough to get back on it right away. But like anything else in my life, I am not going to let it get me down and hold me back.  So regardless of what they have to say, my intention is to get it repaired and fixed up the way I want it.  From that point if I want to sell it or keep it the choice is mine.  See, I set myself on this course and the end result is still the same.  Even though they are mad and think I have wasted the money I have.  The fact of the matter is I made the choice now, I have to live with it.  From my point of view when you are handed lemons, make lemon aide, further I refuse to look at this as a negative, I find it easier to deal with the turmoils in my life when I can find the positive in the events that have taken place.

I wish everyone could do that and not dwell on the "I told you so's" and "why don't you listen" and "I was right and you were wrong" because frankly that just causes hard feelings and doesn't really accomplish anything.  As with all things in my life I will get over it and I have learned something along the way.  I find that humans learn better by failing and getting hurt than by not trying at all.  Pain gives us the impetus to keep from making the same mistake twice, and trust me I now know what I am doing and will be on guard against it from happening again.  Plus, it is ridiculous to think that an accident is something that was ordained. It wasn't planned hence calling it an accident, and guess what I am still alive and the material possession can be fixed or replaced.  How could I have possibly have known that I was going to get hit by someone and that all of this would have transpired?  I couldn't and even if I had a crystal ball and divine guidance I probably only would have seen probable futures, because until the events actually unfold many different variables come into play.

Like I said I will not let this get me down or defeat me, and no matter how my parents treat me because of this situation I am still going to do what I think is best. I keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes and my favorite analogy springs to mind "Shit Happens".  It is time to keep my head up and keep moving forward,  because as my best friend would say "So What, Who Cares, Get over it!"

For some other good news, I spent the day in Orlando yesterday with the VA.  Met with the infectious disease doctor, and my HIV viral load is back to undetectable and my CD4 count is 298 and climbing.  Further, there have been no complications to the Hep C, and it looks like the treatment is going to eradicate the disease from my body totally without permanent damage.  In other words, even though my surgery didn't go quite as expected, my body has begun fighting for itself and is doing a great job of putting everything in check.  They have also down graded my renal disease from stage 4 to stage 2 and it is steadily improving, there is only going to be a slight impairment.  My damaged kidney has somehow found new life and is responding well to drinking of water and the new medications I have been given.  Maybe by September they will have fixed the kidneys sufficiently to say that the renal disease is in remission.

Now keep in mind that all of this is being accomplished because so many people out there are praying for my recovery, and I know that God is answering those prayers, and I am thankful beyond all understanding for that.  When I came to Florida, I had come home to die, and now it looks like things are finally starting to turn around and I will be granted more time.  I know I can't hope for 10 more years, but 3 to 5 sounds good too me.

Anyhow, sorry I haven't been writing as much, just been in a lot of pain and under the influence of some pretty hefty drugs.  I do plan on getting back to working on my blog daily starting tomorrow.  I hope you all will keep on reading.  You never know what you are going to find here.  I live a very exciting life and I can promise you my days are far from boring.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B