Food for Thought Feb 2, 2015

This is a little teaser to get you to start thinking about yourself and where you want to go.  I call these little tidbits Food for Thought:

Life is what you make of it. Remain positive, smile at everyone, laugh at adversity, and be confident in your actions. Remember you are a work in progress, strive for perfection one day at a time. At the end of your journey you are going to find out that you have been molded and sculpted into a priceless and precious work of art. We are all unique, we have our own personalities, let your light shine to the world. Be yourself, love unconditionally, learn something new each day. Remember when trouble comes your way "This too Shall pass and fade away".

If you remember this throughout the day today, I think you will find that you have been blessed.

Holding patterns

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough.  That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change.  You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new.  But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all.  There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit.  Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that.  See most of  you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues.  At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments.  To just say enough is enough!

You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone.  I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take???  The answer is a lot!  I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die.  That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it.  So once again into the fray I go.  But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done.  If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life.  Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up.  Yet, here we are,  there is still more too come, but I am ready for it.  The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.

I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that.  See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself.  Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern.  It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them.  There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat.  But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.

Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year.  There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed.  Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have.  I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body.  Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.

I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand.  Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe.  Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress.  So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be.  So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.

So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on.  That is what has happened to me.  Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wasn't going to write today....But!

Since I started off this adventure on Friday and have kept you informed about things every step of the way, I figured you might as well know how it all turned out.  I slept in the apartment for the first time last night.  At first I had a little trouble falling asleep. Maybe it had a little to do with the air mattress and the fact that I had acid indigestion, but anyhow fell asleep around midnight only too wake up around 2:15 in the morning.  Couldn't fall right back to sleep so decided to go out on the front balcony and have a smoke.  As I was coming out of my apartment so was my next door neighbor.  He was coming out to smoke too so we sat together and talked.  Glad I went out there at that time, he is a really nice young guy full of energy and hope for the future.  Of course I ran into him several times today as I was running errands and things, and it is great to have someone close to my age that is cool to talk too.

I woke up around 9 am this morning and was trying to toast myself a bagel in the oven.  For those of you who haven't experienced that don't do it. Come to find out that it is really easy to burn the thing if you aren't extremely careful.  Hahaha...anyhow, ate my breakfast and the next thing I know my dad is pulling into the driveway with his truck loaded down.  I mean everything that I had left behind at the house except my crutches and my cane which I don't need at the moment.  I will need the cane after the next operation at least for twelve to eighteen weeks. I honestly hate having my abdomen opened up...takes so long to recover...but oh well life goes on.  Anyhow my father also brought me a number of other things that will make life a lot easier.  He brought me a dresser, a TV table and a huge chest that I can store stuff in, however, at the moment it has this huge old TV that he brought me.  Unfortunately he accidentally ripped off the cable connector from the back so the only thing I can do at the moment is play dvd's on it. But we will see, I was planning on buying a new TV anyway. You know me I am a technology whore and have to have the latest and greatest so I am probably going to end up with one of them smart TV's.

I was worrying about money and how I was going to stretch what little I have left to cover everything I need to pay and still have groceries, and get to Orlando and all of that stuff.  I told you all about that last night, well you know dad agreed to lend me a $150.00 to cover my bills till I get paid, but you know what I have all that money from the hotel coming back that I forgot about so, even after I went out today and bought the pots and pans that I wanted.  Groceries and instead of the dish set settled on paper plates and plastic wear for the time being. I only have to make it till Thursday and then I can go out and buy the dishes I want and the silverware, and get a microwave oven and all the other things that I want.  See I am okay roughing it for a little while, it is just me and I don't have to impress anyone right now.  Like I told you on Friday evening sometimes taking things slowly and working them out has a way of getting us exactly what we want.  So I am good.

With all of that being said I was talking to my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this afternoon and was telling him that I have been thinking about this living room set that I saw at Big Lots that I really liked, and that come Thursday I would have the money get it.  Then it dawned on me that already I am jumping the gun and that I need to reevaluate my priorities. See, there are things that I need to consider and take care of first before I run out and spend that money I have coming in foolishly.  See, maybe I should keep going slowly, and shop around, look at things and make sure that I take care of business first.  I should put some of the cash away that I will have from my paycheck towards, giving this man his deposit for living here.  I know he said that we would break it down over 3 months, but let's get a head start on that by putting a little towards it now, then there is my car which needs an oil change, it needs to have some fuses fixed and the back window is off track and needs to be fixed so I need to invest some funds that way.  Listen taking care of priorities and necessary items first is a good way to ensure that you don't get screwed.  Trust me if my car breaks down, how will I get to work. So she needs to be taken care of.  I also need to put some money into place and get the electric turned over into my name asap. That way all the trust Aaron has put in me isn't wasted. I want to look good in his eyes, and I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of his kindness or that he might have made the wrong choice in letting me have the place.

I have learned over time that if you have a good landlord, stay on his good side, because if needed he will be there to help you out, or be a little more understanding if something unexpected arises.  Further, if you want to stay within budget and make ends meet you have to keep your priority items in focus, it is often easy to lose focus of them and overspend and then when that happens it becomes nearly impossible to catch back up once you fall behind.

Keep in mind when you embark on a new journey or the next phase of your life, you want to reassess and evaluate not only your goals, but your priorities as well. This is important, because you want to keep on top of your bills, and budget yourself accordingly so you don't overspend.  Make sure that the necessity items are always paid first, or plan them out so that they are lined up and ready to go as the funds come available. Remember must haves, come first then luxury items.  If you stay focused on that you will be okay, no matter what kind of adventure you are on.  As I said I need to make sure that I keep the maintenance up on the car.  I am not at home anymore, and I can't rely on dad or step-mom to take me where I need to go unless I make proper arrangements.  No more spur of the moment things.

You know I set a lot of this in motion because my boyfriend has been pushing me to get out and get us a place, how ironic that I have made the moves that he wanted me too and I have no way of letting him know. I hope that he has been reading my blog, he used to read it daily, but something happened back in September and he fell behind in reading it.  Now, understand that I am not the only one he isn't talking to. He isn't talking to anyone, including his family at the moment.  So I honestly know that he isn't angry or upset with me this is just a phase that he is going through.  I did leave him a voice mail tonight telling him I was having my first cooked meal at the apartment, that it was Steak, cheddar and broccoli rice with lima beans, and that I wished he was here in our new home with me.  Yes, I did say our new home, because if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have made as much of an effort to get a nice place like this.  Because I could have stayed in a little motel with just a bed and tv and been just fine.  But, I wanted something nice for us to call home. A place that is close to the beach and the river and not far from all the entertainment stuff.  I want him to have a great experience with Florida, he has never really been here.  I did say in the voice mail that I was concerned and that I wanted to know if he still wanted to be with me and that I loved him.  Even now after all this time I have insecurities, mainly about myself, not about the relationship, I think he understands that more than anyone.  Plus our anniversary is coming up, at Thanksgiving it will be 5 years...I just wish he was here with me.

So what do I want you to learn from everything I have written here, because believe it or not there are a few things I need you to take away with you.  First off, understand that somethings happen to us that are beyond our control, but it is how we handle them that helps us grow and mature.  Second, I refer you back to the blog entry I wrote the other day about realignment, readjusting, reevaluating and moving on.  Remember this when you reevaluate your goals and dreams you must also reevaluate your priorities.  You must realign them and structure them in order of importance, and by that I mean you need to keep in focus the necessity items and put them first then worry about the want to have items.  Finally, no matter what you do and how your are feeling if you are acting out of love know in your heart that love is going to be felt and seen by others, it will be noticed eventually by the person it was meant too. Keep the faith and know in your heart that I am telling you the sincere truth.  They will see the effort that you have put forth for them and it will be rewarded. Finally, if I have learned anything during this move is this "Keep your eyes and heart on God" He will provide and He will bless you for the work and effort you have put forth.  He rewards those that help themselves and takes care of us when we fall short.  Miracles and Wonders do exist my friends, by keeping faith and stepping out, taking that chance you will see how many blessing will flow your way.  Keep your head up.

As always I am here if you ever need to talk, or just want to say Hi.  Feel free to drop me a line anytime. You can send me an email to bryanzepp@gmail.com or you can find me on Facbook bryan.zepp2 or on twitter @bryanzepp.  I would love to hear from you, receive your feedback and your thoughts.  You can also join my blogger site if you want. I encourage you to keep reading and keep the faith.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How fragile life is and how wondrous it can also be!

Yesterday in my blog entry I mentioned how I realized how fragile and precious life can be.  Some of you maybe wondering what I meant when I wrote that. So I thought I would discuss it a bit further so that you have a better understanding of what I mean.  See as some of you are aware from following my blog since the beginning, I have been battling cancer and leukemia for a little more than 20 years now.  This has been a long and hard battle, and one that I can honestly tell you I have been winning though there have been setbacks and changes to my life that have been earth shattering to say the least.  But, here I am still alive and writing to you about the adventures that I have been upon.  Life has been sort of kind and yet cruel to me at the same time.  The battle began in the summer of 1992 when they found a large tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide, with serrated edges and ulcerated down the middle.  I underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments and the tumor eventually vanished.

I went on to college and got several degrees, and journeyed to Atlanta and started a new life. I landed a great job right after school with the Georgia Department of Revenue.  I was there till I started having the same symptoms all over again.  This was in 2005 when it all began, and it got worse as the years went by. I ended up having to have parts of my large intestines removed and several parts of my small intestines.  An ileostomy was performed to save my life, the input of which is very close to the output of my stomach, so for years I have had a problem gaining weight and maintaining it.  Now years have gone by and I still have the bag attached to my small intestines and though it has saved my life, it has complicated it as well. See being a gay man I have the fear that I will not or can not be accepted by the gay community and gay men in general.  See sex has become very complicated and not to mention the scars and the bag that cause fear on my part.  They also make others uncomfortable when they find out about it. Now, it doesn't change who I am but it has made me reluctant to open up to others, the fear of rejection is high on the list of my fears and phobias.

To complicate matters in 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and the medication that I was put on immediately caused damage to my kidney's and has made life a bit more interesting to say the least.  Since 2008, I have found that having the ileostomy causes my body to dehydrate faster than a normal persons because my waste is fully liquid all the time in the bag, add in the fact that my kidney's are impaired and you come up with renal failure and end stage renal disease.  I have been hospitalized a lot because of this impairment, including recently in September when I visited 2 different hospitals and had to have fluids and potassium added to my body via IV.  Not a fun experience to say the least.  Now, further in December of 2011 I had a kidney stone, which caused a lot of problems.  Bladder infections, lodged kidney stone in the ureter tube, repeated hospitalizations and eventually a stint was put in to make it easier to urinate.  The stint was left in place till February when it was finally removed, come to find out the stint should have only been left in place for 30 days, and in my case it was in for a little more than 60 days.

Last week I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday.  A cyst had formed on the left kidney, when it was found it was 2mm by the time they got the drain put in to drain it, the size had grown to 8cm. They were able to drain 40mL of fluid from it.  Luckily there was no sign of bacteria or infection in the fluid that was extracted from the cyst.  Battery after battery of tests were given and still no answer to why the cyst formed and if it would come back again.  My biggest fear is that when they removed the stint back in February, I believe that tissue had grown around the stint and when it was removed I believe that a small tear formed and that is where the fluid is coming from.  I am now wondering what can be done to correct the damage that was done. But, it doesn't change the fact that life has thrown yet another curve ball at me that I have to deal with.

What I want you to understand that I had 10 years of good health before I got ill again, and during that time I built a life, a good one and made a lot of money.  But, when I got sick again, I watched how quickly it could all be taken away from me.  I learned a lot of things during this time and that is why I started writing this blog, to help others overcome the trials and tribulations that life throws at us.  When I moved home in February, I had no idea that in March I would be faced with death and that an emergency surgery had to be performed.  2012 has been a year of hospitalizations and death seems to have been lurking around every corner for me. Even as I write this tonight it feels like the fluid is building back up in my pelvic region again. I am hoping it is phantom pains but my luck hasn't been running so good lately.  The only other change was the my HIV medication, we changed to a whole new regimen over the last week and this is the second time that this has happened since I started the new meds.  I am hoping that when I go to my follow up appointment with my surgeon he will have some other ideas that he can throw out at me.

Now what I want you to realize is that life is fickle and can throw you many curve balls when it comes to your health. One minute you can be healthy and the next you are sick. Then you could be like me and battling a whole series of terminal illnesses and putting the medical profession on their toes with the amount of care that is needed to just keep me going daily.  But the up side to all of this is that life is what you make of it.  Health is an important factor, but it isn't the only factor that you have to take into consideration, you need to choose those things that make you happy as well, because life is fleeting and precious. You have to take the moments that you are given and live them to the fullest, and if you happen to miss some of the moments, take the time to create your own. In the long run you are going to be glad that you did.  Never miss the opportunity to tell your loved ones how you feel about them, and don't hide your feelings or keep them bottled up inside of you.  The reason why is you never ever know when your last moment on this earth is going to be.

For years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside of me, and I was on a hair trigger and the least little things would set me off.  This didn't make it easy for those that were trying to be in a relationship with me, and it certainly didn't make it fun being my friend.  I have since learned that every moment is a gift that we are given, we are not guaranteed another day on the earth, so be sure to express yourself truly, for there really is no greater crime then missing out on something because you were to afraid to let someone know how you really felt about them.  You may not even realize it till it is too late and they have moved on, but what does it hurt to let them know how you felt or feel about them. You never know your chance may come around again.  What I am hoping that you will take away from this blog entry is that you need to utilize the time you are given and excel in the things that you love, leave behind the things that you don't. Be yourself always and express your desires openly, do not be afraid.  One thing you will learn is that rejection is part of living and if you never take the chance you might miss out on some very good opportunities, not to mention the love of your life or even possibly your soul mate.  Keep in mind how fleeting and fragile life is, know your body, get to know when you are not feeling right and act accordingly. Don't be like me and wait till the last possible second to go to the hospital, because even though I have been lucky so far, my time might just run out while I am second guessing myself.  There have been so many times when I have gotten to the hospital at the nick of time, where the doctors have told me and my partner that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. Be responsible for yourself. Be true to yourself and others, you owe them that much.

Another thing that I have learned along this journey that I am on is that there is never a good reason to lie, and life is too short to have to keep up with different stories, stick to the truth, it will get you further in the long run, and if people are truly your friends they are going to get angry with you for pointing out their flaws and shortcomings but in the long run they are going to thank you for your honesty and appreciate you all that much better.  I don't know what life has in store for me at this moment in time, but I can tell you that I plan to live whatever time I have left happily and without regrets and express how I feel to others, no matter what the cost, because I will tell you I have made mistakes in the past and I don't want to miss out on one minute of happiness in my life from here on out.

In the ten short years that I had of health after this whole thing started I had a life, a real one, full of laughter, anger and pain, and I let obsession for more money, more things cloud my judgement. I threw away the things that made me happy and I tell you I won't make the same mistakes again. A person can live a full and happy life in just ten short years. You can accomplish so much and if you are focused and dedicated you can build a whole lifetime into that little span of time. I know I did and I am glad that I had the opportunity and the experience. I know one day soon I will be healthy again, I just know that the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far to bring me home now. I still have so much to do and more to explain to the world before I am ready to cash it in for the pearly gates.

So take it from me, you can do a lot, but you have to take ownership of your health, be responsible, know your body, be proactive, and let me stress yet another fun fact that you might not know, 3 out of 5 people today are walking around not even knowing that they are affected with HIV/AIDS. They have no symptoms and feel fine. So know your status, get checked often and be proactive about your care if you do find out you are ill.  Knowing as they say is half the battle, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Can you pin point the defining moment in your life in which your world changed? Here is where mine did

I want to talk to you about inspiration, about those people that have touched your life and have shown you that there is strength and power by living through or overcoming a personal tragedy.  I know you have heard me before that I find inspiration in a lot of things that happen around me.  But there is so much more to my story that I think you might find interesting.  I would like to take you back 22 years with me into my personal history.  There is a story there that needs to be retold.  I am sure it will enlighten a great many of you, and explain some of my more hard to understand habits.  To give you a little background filler before I dive into the actual story, I graduated high school in 1986 in June, by September 1986 I was starting my adventure in the Navy.

Just so that you understand this totally, I knew already by that time that I was gay. I embraced my nature and used my time in the Navy to explore my sexuality.  You may have heard me say a time or two that I have no regrets and feel no remorse for any of my actions.  However, after reading my friends post the other day, and then writing the blog entry "It's never too late to learn something new about ourselves" and then "True Friendship" I began to realize that I do have one regret.  One unforgivable action/reaction on my part, that was to have the biggest wide ranging affect on my life.  This one deed would change me, it was a defining moment in my history, that changed my outlook on everything, it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, and the horrible and damnable action that ensured that I would never treat anyone cavalierly again.

It was December 1, 1989 my 21st birthday, I had met someone in 1987 when I was first transferred from Great Lakes to Norfolk, VA.  He was a marine and at the time I thought he was stationed at Portsmouth Naval Hospital.  We really liked each other, but here I was very young and naive and what he was about to tell me that night so long ago changed my life forever.  Some of you who are close to me may already know this, so at this point I must ask you to bear with me let me retell the story, because I am sure that there are parts here that you are unaware of.  To celebrate my birthday we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend in Norfolk and we had a fun filled fabulous weekend all planned.  Both of us were off duty for the weekend and we were going to celebrate my birthday in style.  Oh, how I wished that was what happened, but that night as we were getting ready to celebrate my coming of age, I was soaking in the bathtub, we had planned to go out to dinner first and then go to the Oar House, a gay bar in Norfolk, because I could legally drink and enjoy myself.  But as I said none of that ever happened.

I am not sure what prompted him to reveal to me that very night what he did, and I guess I will never know the reason why.  But as I was sitting there soaking, he came into the bathroom, he had a ring in a little box, as he bent down to give it too me he stopped and kissed me and said, I have to tell you something.  I was so excited I immediately begged for him to tell me, and what unfolded pretty much ruined our plans, and certainly my actions doomed the entire relationship in that one instant.  He said to me "Bryan, I have to be honest with you, because I love you and want to spend my life with you, but there is something you need to know.  I am not stationed at Portsmouth like I let you believe, I am a patient there:" He held my hand and looked me in the eye and I saw tears forming and I got very scared, I begged for him to tell me.  This is what he said "I am HIV Positive and I am here for treatment, do you know what HIV is?  You do realize that it is going to kill me, I don't know how long I have or how this is all going to pan out, but I want to spend what time I have with you."  My heart sank at that moment and we both sat there crying.  I tried to be brave, but guess what I didn't understand, I didn't know enough about the disease and I was scared.  We stayed in that night, but the next morning I made the single most fatal mistake I could ever make.  I made an excuse, took his car and left, I avoided him for the next two days, leaving him a message that I had parked his car at his barracks and had given the keys to the master at arms.  He called and called and I wouldn't take his calls, finally I gave in on the third day. We had lunch at the commissary, and he tried to talk to me, reassure me, but again, I was young and very very dumb.  I pretended I was listening, I shook my head and made the proper acknowledgements, and then I left.  It would be almost 2 months before we would see each other again.

In that two months, I learned everything I could about the disease, I called my mother who was a nurse, I talked to the doctors at the Naval hospital to find out how they were treating him, and when I felt comfortable enough and armed enough with enough knowledge I went back to see him, to apologize for my behavior and my reaction, but fate would have it another way.  The drugs they were throwing at patients back then, were nothing like they are now. Doctors had no real idea of what they were doing, and the combination of AZT and other medicines blasted the body, in attempts to kill the virus, but it also destroyed the remaining immune system.  Now, realize that 2 months had passed since I was told, and he had found out he was sick 6 months earlier, and by the next month he would be gone forever.  Worse than anything, he never ever got to hear my apology, and will never know that the last 2 months of his life I was there with him every day and night around my duty schedule. See, by the time I had finally come to my senses and realized that he needed me and that there was nothing to be afraid of, AIDS related dementia had set in.  There were a couple of days when he was lucid and seemed to remember things, but in the end the very last day, his family was there and I walked into the room and he look up and said "Who the fuck are you? and What are you doing here?" I had lost him, he died that afternoon, and never knew how sorry I was, how I regretted my actions, how I robbed him of the only happiness that he wanted. How I cheated him and betrayed his love and trust.

It is because of what happened that day in March 1990 that I changed my life, the way I approached things, I became the person I am today.  I dedicated my life to loving and helping others, to care for those sick and to fight for their rights, I marched on Washington with the other people that were affected by HIV/AIDS, I have participated in the PRIDE marches, became an advocate and activist working to find a cure.  He was the first person I lost to the disease but unfortunately not the last.  In 2002 I lost my one of my best friends he just celebrated his 31st birthday, and there have been so many others.  People always want to know why I go out of my way to help others, why I give away everything I have trying to make other peoples lives better, why I reach my hand out to teach them how to take care of themselves and why I struggled to keep people off the street.  Here is the reason why!  I never got to say good-bye, I never could apologize or take back my actions for deserting my first lover to the cruel clutches of a disease I barely understood.  But, I damn well could make up for it and atone for what I did for the rest of my life. It has been 23 years now, and I still feel the same way.  But now I am not just affected by the disease I am infected.  In December of 2006, I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately went on the retro-virals and antivirals because of my medical history.  I have been undetectable ever since.

In the past I have heard people describe me as being fake and phony, even two-faced, and why?  Because everyone thought I was too good to be true, they couldn't believe that I was so nice, they kept trying to see where the other foot was coming down from.  Because they believed that no one could be nice and loving and kind like I have been. Over the years many people have taken advantage of my kindness they took it for a weakness and tried to exploit it. Sadly some succeeded, but most came to realize over time, that I was just what I appeared to be, someone who genuinely loved other people, regardless of their health, race, sexual orientation, creed, culture, whatever.  Those who took the time to get to know me realized that I was the same year after year and time after time.

Now, I am going to take a minute and pat myself on the back and sing my own praises.  I am sure John, Sa'corey, Patrick, Judy, Nathan, Kerrion and others can attest and will tell you I am not lying about this.  In my lifetime I have helped hundreds of people, taken them in off the street, giving them food, shelter and whatever else I could to help them, taught them how to look after themselves, some I helped get into school, get a job, or whatever they needed at the time.  To the world at large I never let anyone outside of my intimate circle ever know how hard I struggled, how much it cost me, I never had an unkind word to say about anyone, and I gave till it physically hurt me, almost crippled me, but never stopped.  I had a job where I was making $150,000.00 a year and literally I gave everything away over and over again.  Yes I did drive an Infiniti G-35 and I did make sure I had decent clothes and shoes, but I dedicated my life to helping other people. I didn't realize until recently that other people saw this and drew inspiration from it.  That I helped them realize the goodness inside themselves and helped them reach a point in their lives where they wanted to become a better person, they took my life as an example.  I am honored and blessed by this, and I think it is a glowing tribute to the person I have become, and shining memorial to the one I lost.  But there's more to the story.

In January of 2005, almost 14 years after I was first diagnosed with cancer, which came in 1992 when I was 24 years old and 2 years my beautiful marine had died.  I had to have the first of many surgeries which would change my life in another direction forever.  This is when I had to have a colostomy put in, for those of you who don't know what a colostomy is, it is a bag that is attached to my stomach where my crap comes out. I know longer have the use of my rectum.  But I digress, in January 2005 was the first time that I came face to face with my mortality and it was when God and I had our first talk.  Whether you believe me or not, it really doesn't matter, because I believe what happened and that is what governs my life.  I died on the operating table and I saw God or an Angel, and I had a long conversation with Him.  I was told that my work on Earth was not done that there was a message that I needed to take back with me, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing but show the world by deed and action as well as through my dedication to helping others, the message was and still is very simple. I was told to tell everyone that they were wrong, had missed the point of what Jesus said and why He died and for the last 8 years I have been doing just that.

For whatever reason the church seems hung up on the Old Testament.  They seem to have forgotten that when Jesus hung on the cross that something amazing and wonderful happened.  The covenant between Abraham and God was broken, that the gulf created by original sin was now bridged and that a new covenant was created between Jesus and man, that we were no longer under the law, but saved by Grace.  That our sins were washed away by the innocent blood of Christ.  Now, under this new covenant Jesus had given His disciples 4 commandments.  If we live by these and abide by them, then we are ensured a place in Heaven.  Now, I tell you that the 10 commandments of the Old Testament are good to live by and they ensure you to be a good person, but they will not get you into Heaven, that boat sailed and has passed.  Under the new covenant, is based on LOVE, the message of Christ is of LOVE, UNITY AND ACCEPTANCE.  The commandments that are given are: Do unto others as you would have done unto you, love thy neighbor as thy self. All one commandment...second commandment is Children obey your parents so that your days will be many, third is I am the way the truth and the light and no one comes to the father except through me. I am the alpha and the omega the beginning and the end.  Fourth is to go out and be fishers of men, meaning witness, testify, live your life as an example and be like Jesus.

It is important to understand these, because the message that the church is still sending out today is one of intolerance, bigotry and hatred.  They condemn anyone who thinks or acts differently then they do.  Jesus live a live of love, tolerance and acceptance, bringing unity to everywhere he went.  He didn't hang out with the religious leaders, he ministered, preached and helped the common man, poor man, the outcast, the thief, prostitutes, etc.  He treated everyone equally with love and respect and he expects nothing less of us today.

Even though I have been told time and again that I am not going to make it, that I am going to die and that having 6 terminal illnesses should be devastating for me.  I keep replying and telling them, it isn't my time yet, I have work yet to do, and though you may think that I am going to die, the truth is that we are all dying at different rates each day.  That I was planning on out living them all. See I know that since I have dedicated my life to helping others and giving of myself that God is going to continue to keep me and reward me, that is all that matters.  So won't you join me on this journey, won't you turn over your life to helping others, give of yourself and spread the word of Love, Unity and Acceptance?

Think about it would you?  If you honestly believe in God and trust that Jesus died for our sins, you will come to realize that the message is clear and plain for anyone to see.  All you have to do is follow.  He has been waiting right here for 2000 years few have found the message and the path.  He said it was the road less traveled and that few would find the path and the gate.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people

Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me.  Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires.  I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships.  My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing.  Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help.  But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life.  Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today.  I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.

I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey.  Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama.  See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems.  If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them.  Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.

I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income.  Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it.  I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.

If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy.  I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean.  I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things.  Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out.  Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.

I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time.  Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore.  I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.

But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of.  I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was.  Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here.  I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to.  She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true.  Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it.  What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing.  I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.

My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.

I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way.  My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs.  Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament.  Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing.  But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you.  That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.

I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then.  Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear  it.

I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write.  I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at.  I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day.  But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet.  But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.

So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on.  Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.

All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life.  Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them.  Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thought you might like an update....

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook, I figured I would give you an update on my status and why I haven't written much in the past 2 weeks.  For those of you that do follow me on Facebook this might be a little repetitive and for that I apologize.  However, you might find out a little more here since space is sort of limited on Facebook as to what I can post.

Anyhow, July 3rd, I decided to buy a scooter as a mode of transportation to get to and from different events.  I figured this would give me a little more independence and give my parents some slack in running me around.  But as usual if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck, and no matter how much planning I seem to do to accomplish a task, something inevitably goes wrong every time.  So I shouldn't be at all surprised that as soon as I paid for the thing disaster was poised to strike.  Now, you must keep in mind that my father was against me getting this thing from the very beginning and as such has been almost unbearable to live with because of the "I told you so's" and "You never listen to anything I have to say".

Now, not even 10 minutes after I paid for the darn thing, I decided to take a spin around the block just to check it out, I was turning around in a little apartment complex and was sitting at the stop sign waiting to turn right.  Just as I was beginning to go I felt a jolt from behind and the scooter went out of control and started heading for the ditch on the opposite side of the street.  The bad thing is as it was heading toward the ditch, it tipped to the left and I was pinned underneath it as it slid across the pavement.  Needless to say I have lacerations and cuts from top of my head to my foot along the whole left side of my body.  I also broke my ankle in this endeavor.  Before I knew what was happening I flagged down a car and asked them to help me, I knew my head was bleeding but I didn't think I was hurt very badly.  As a matter of fact I kept insisting I was fine as they were trying to strap me down to a backboard.  Now, 2 officers responded to the scene and an ambulance and fire truck, and within minutes I was whisked away to the hospital.

After what seemed like forever, I was examined by the doctor and taken off the backboard, and laid on the bed to get more comfortable.  Now, you all know me and I am a crazy person, I do things that are risky all the time but this wasn't something that I thought was a risk at all.  I was wrong, if you want to know more about that look at my blog entry on "Advice Freely Given".  All I can say at this point is I am glad I am alive and I wasn't hurt more than I was.  Because I just had surgery on June 18th and I had staples from my breast bone to my groin, and honestly I had no business driving let alone being on a scooter.  All that being said, the staples were examined and removed on Friday the 6th of July and everything was fine until Sunday morning.  When I woke up I felt a sharp pain and itching sensation in my abdomen and when I looked 3 sutures had worked their way to the surface of my incision line.  I went to the surgeon today and found out that they are there because when he operated on me he had to cut the muscles and tissue to remove scar tissue and adhesion's that had formed from all my previous surgeries and these sutures are to hold the muscle and tissue in place so they heal properly.

The ends were very sharp and that is what was cutting and scratching my skin and causing me some discomfort.  The bad news was he was unable to remove the sutures because it is still too early and the healing isn't complete.  He told me that the knots had to stay in for at least another month.  He also told me to not be alarmed if they broke through the incision and came to the surface over time.  He was able however to cut the ends off the knots so that they would no longer irritate my skin and tissue and with that being done, I should start to feel better soon.  Directly after leaving the surgeon's office, I went to the orthopedic surgeons office to have my ankle evaluated and was delighted to find out that the actual break wasn't as bad as I had first thought.

I was able to have a walking cast put on, and told that it should only have to stay in place for 4 weeks which is another great piece of news because originally I was told I would be off my foot entirely for the next 12 weeks.  I am probably going to have a lot of scaring because of the abrasions I sustained in the accident but overall I things are definitely looking better than first thought.  Now I am hoping that tomorrow when I go to see the scooter and the damage from the accident the same will be true there as well.  I know my parents are totally against me getting the thing fixed and riding it, and I am not sure I would be brave enough to get back on it right away. But like anything else in my life, I am not going to let it get me down and hold me back.  So regardless of what they have to say, my intention is to get it repaired and fixed up the way I want it.  From that point if I want to sell it or keep it the choice is mine.  See, I set myself on this course and the end result is still the same.  Even though they are mad and think I have wasted the money I have.  The fact of the matter is I made the choice now, I have to live with it.  From my point of view when you are handed lemons, make lemon aide, further I refuse to look at this as a negative, I find it easier to deal with the turmoils in my life when I can find the positive in the events that have taken place.

I wish everyone could do that and not dwell on the "I told you so's" and "why don't you listen" and "I was right and you were wrong" because frankly that just causes hard feelings and doesn't really accomplish anything.  As with all things in my life I will get over it and I have learned something along the way.  I find that humans learn better by failing and getting hurt than by not trying at all.  Pain gives us the impetus to keep from making the same mistake twice, and trust me I now know what I am doing and will be on guard against it from happening again.  Plus, it is ridiculous to think that an accident is something that was ordained. It wasn't planned hence calling it an accident, and guess what I am still alive and the material possession can be fixed or replaced.  How could I have possibly have known that I was going to get hit by someone and that all of this would have transpired?  I couldn't and even if I had a crystal ball and divine guidance I probably only would have seen probable futures, because until the events actually unfold many different variables come into play.

Like I said I will not let this get me down or defeat me, and no matter how my parents treat me because of this situation I am still going to do what I think is best. I keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes and my favorite analogy springs to mind "Shit Happens".  It is time to keep my head up and keep moving forward,  because as my best friend would say "So What, Who Cares, Get over it!"

For some other good news, I spent the day in Orlando yesterday with the VA.  Met with the infectious disease doctor, and my HIV viral load is back to undetectable and my CD4 count is 298 and climbing.  Further, there have been no complications to the Hep C, and it looks like the treatment is going to eradicate the disease from my body totally without permanent damage.  In other words, even though my surgery didn't go quite as expected, my body has begun fighting for itself and is doing a great job of putting everything in check.  They have also down graded my renal disease from stage 4 to stage 2 and it is steadily improving, there is only going to be a slight impairment.  My damaged kidney has somehow found new life and is responding well to drinking of water and the new medications I have been given.  Maybe by September they will have fixed the kidneys sufficiently to say that the renal disease is in remission.

Now keep in mind that all of this is being accomplished because so many people out there are praying for my recovery, and I know that God is answering those prayers, and I am thankful beyond all understanding for that.  When I came to Florida, I had come home to die, and now it looks like things are finally starting to turn around and I will be granted more time.  I know I can't hope for 10 more years, but 3 to 5 sounds good too me.

Anyhow, sorry I haven't been writing as much, just been in a lot of pain and under the influence of some pretty hefty drugs.  I do plan on getting back to working on my blog daily starting tomorrow.  I hope you all will keep on reading.  You never know what you are going to find here.  I live a very exciting life and I can promise you my days are far from boring.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

You do realize that it is all up to you....Right?

Listen, we have been talking about life and the choices that we each make and how those choices and the consequences of them culminate in who we become.  But have you really thought about what I have been trying to tell you?  Do you realize that it is all up to you?  There are always choices to be made and directions we must walk upon, but what you need to understand is that no matter what the situation or the choice that you have to make, it is how you look at the situation that makes the choice you choose so vitally important.  This may be a hard for you to understand, but let me try and give you some examples to make it easier to understand.  For this we are going to start with the choice I made when buying the scooter and the accident that followed and the hurt that I am going through now.

It would have been very easy for me to bemoan what happened to me and lament about the money lost and wasted on the scooter, and I could wallow in regret and self-pity, but what good would it have done.  See, I knew the reasons behind why I bought the scooter even if no one else does, or agrees with them, it was still my decision and one that I feel comfortable with.  Now I know that there is extensive damage to it and it might cost me more money to fix the thing then I actually paid for it, but that really doesn't bother me.  See I chose to buy it for myself to give myself a little independence and self-reliance, enabling me to get around without having to depend or infringe upon another person.  I hate, having to burden someone else to get what I need done, so this was a big step in the right direction for me and something I was comfortable with.  I had no idea that I was going to get hit by a car, and I had no idea I was going to break my ankle, and just because those things happened doesn't mean that my decision was wrong.

As I was being carted off from the scene of the accident by ambulance I was joking with the paramedics and firefighters that arrived on the scene. This is my automatic defense mode that I take when I am hurting or when I feel regret or other useless emotions that would serve no better purpose, I make light of the situation and I feel better about what has happened.  This has been a defense mechanism in my life since I was a child and it has served me well. One would think that it was just another way of avoidance, but you know what it actually does for me, it helps me look at and focus on the positive things in my life, it gives me the strength to stand in the face of impossible odds and beat them back.  I could have looked at the wreck in several ways, and felt differently about it depending how I viewed the situation.  But I chose to look at it from the funny point of view, and with my crude sense of humor you can just imagine.  I told the paramedics, that after everything I have been through in the past couple of years with the cancer, the HIV, Hep C and Renal Disease and all the other things that are going wrong with my body that if someone was gunning for me and trying to kill me they were sure poor marksman, because they were getting everything around me but not me myself.

How we view a situation is just as important to how we deal with it as the situation itself.  Because our perception of the situation and our outlook is going to determine how we feel about it in the long run, and how we are going to handle the fall out and repercussions of the actions we decide to take. Now, my father was against me getting the scooter, but his main argument was that I was never going to use it.  Maybe I should have listened, because if I had I wouldn't have gotten hurt.  But I believe whatever is meant to be is always going to find a way to happen, so if it wasn't an accident with a scooter, it would have been something else, and I would have still gotten hurt and broken my ankle.  Plain and simple it was something that was in my path and something I am going to have to deal with an overcome. Now, the other way to look at this situation can be two-fold, see the Bible teaches that children are to obey their parents, and maybe just maybe I got hurt because I went against my father's wishes. However, I am not really inclined to believe that because my father never came out and said No don't buy it, he just kept saying I think you should reconsider, because I don't think you are ever going to use it.

No matter how the situation played out, I am not angry or disgruntled about the situation and I don't feel like I have wasted my money.  I know it is going to cost more to get it fixed back up, and I realize that it wasn't my fault that I was hit by a car that never stopped. I was doing fine and would have been fine without that slight altercation of the cars front connecting with my rear.  If you read my other blog entries about advice, you will note that I also learned some valuable lessons about riding a cycle, scooter or other 2 wheeled vehicle.  You have to know what you are doing and wear the appropriate attire and foot gear, it is going to make all the difference in the world.  I am also looking at this adventure in the light of nothing ventured nothing gained. I still own the scooter and yeah some repairs will have to be made before I can ride it again, but it is something I am willing to do, and if it isn't I still have the option of selling it off for parts.  Since I have been injured, broken ankle, there is no rush to get the repairs done and I can take my time and customize it anyway I want to, personalize it if you will and truly make it my own.

Overall, I believe that everyone needs to take a step back from every situation, encounter, or problem and evaluate it, divorce yourself from the emotions evoked by it and really look at it.  You need to be open and objective, and find the positive in it.  Work your way out from there with a solution and I guaranty you won't go wrong or feel bad about the decision you made.  In all things that we have been given by God the most important is "Free Will" the right to choose.  Our right to make our own choices, but along with that privileged comes the responsibility of facing the consequences.  We have to be strong enough and man enough to know that when we make a mistake we have to pay the piper, just like when we make good choices and decisions we get to reap the reward.  All I am wanting you to understand and realize from this blog entry is that if you come at any situation with a positive outlook and unfailing faith you are going to be alright.  You are making the right choice for you, and believe it or not, no matter what anyone else says, you are the only one that can do that for you.  So can't you see that it does come down to just you.  That no matter what you do, how you do, and the path you take to get there, those are all choices you can make for yourself. No one else can make them for you, because if they try it isn't going to work out.  You are the only one that knows your heart and mind and can make the perfect decisions for yourself.

Hold your head up high and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is always with you, He has your best interests at heart and He knows what you can handle and can endure and will never allow anything you can't handle to come your way.  You have angels all around you day and night watching over you, reporting on you and keeping you safe.  Like I said I could have been killed in the accident that happened on Tuesday and the worse that did happen was a broken ankle.  I know that I am blessed and protected, and I know that you are too. Have some faith and you will see. You are never tested or tried beyond your endurance.  Don't just take my word for it.  Try it out you will see, and you can find that and so much more in God's word the Bible.

I hope you all have a great weekend and start looking at the bright side of things, it is going to make accepting them so much easier, and when you can do that you can weather any storm because you have the knowledge that you did what you needed to do to look out for you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Vision, Is it 20/20?

Since the beginning of time there have been mystic, seers, gypsies, fortune tellers, prophets, evangelists, and myriads of people trying to divine the future, to glimpse and predict what will come and what will be.  Through it all it has amounted to not much.  Even some of the most noted prophets like Edgar Cayce and Nostrodamus have not been able to tell us exactly to the letter what the future holds for each of us.

I can honestly tell you that the future that is in-store for each of us is the culmination of the choices we have made, the paths we have chosen and the consequences of these things.  I cannot tell you exactly what is going to unfold for you or even myself.  I cannot even accurately predict when I am going to die or how it will occur.  All I can say for certainty is that because I was born into the human race I know that I am on the road toward death.  You see it was explained to Adam when him and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden that our time on Earth will be limited.  Because of Original sin we must now face a certain death.  I can also speak that because God loved us so much He sent Jesus to take on the sins of the world to ensure us eternal life free from our worldly burdens.

Now this might be a little to deep into the religious for you, but please bear with me on this because we are going to depart from religion here and talk about vision because you see vision is something that each of us possess.  It is a gift that we are given and if we use it correctly can help us to understand ourselves and the world a little better.

Though the haze of the future cannot be pierced we still have sight..have you ever heard of the saying "Hindsight is 20/20?" This is the point that we are going to start from...you see I cannot tell you what tomorrow holds for me, I cannot even tell you what the next minute holds...but I can clearly tell you what I did last year, 5 minutes ago.  Our past is the key to understanding the future, if we truly turn and reflect on what we have come through and where we have been, focus on the mistakes that we have made and strive to ensure that we don't repeat them we can ensure that we have a bright and happy future.  We must learn from our past and keep moving forward.  I can only see where I have stepped and have walked up to this exact point. But by reviewing and reflecting on what I have learned from my journey this far, it will help me place my feet on the correct path I am about to walk on going forward.

The mists of time obscure the distant past and the immediate future, but the near past, and where we are at this moment are perfectly clear in our eyes.  Please take the time and look at where you have been, where you have come from and and then you can plan on the direction that you want to go in the future.

My personal quote is as follows "Anything in this world can be accomplished if you only strive for perfection one day at a time" this is how I live my life and it might help you in yours.  I also want you to remember this that live is fleeting, and we do not have a guarantee that tomorrow will be granted to us.  So please give thanks every morning for the blessings of another day, and take the time to smell the roses along the way for time is fleeting and beauty fades, but hope and love and faith endure.

So here is my kernel of advice the one thing I hope you walk away from this post with is this:  Learn from the past, accept where you are at, face the consequences of your choices, look to the future and rejoice knowing that you are going to be blessed.  Understand that life is short, and we cannot move forward if we are looking backward, we cannot start anew if we cling to the past and refuse to let go.  That we can only get to where we are going if we continue to plod forward and head toward our own personal perfection.  Please please understand that life is short and fleeting take time to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you and the people you are blessed with knowing and rejoice in the blessing you have and be strengthened by your journey, trials, and tribulations.  Remember this if nothing else...the person you are is the culmination of all that you have been through, what you have done, the hardships you faced and overcome and the people you have helped, and those that have helped you..the choices you have made and guess what as you look back at your life and learn you will see that you are unique and special in every way, and that you cannot be replaced...

All my hopes and dreams are with you...
Uncle B