Amazing

It is surprising how God works in our daily lives. I was feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair because I have been up here in Jacksonville all by myself.  Since I got here back in December, it has been an endless parade of doctor appointments and tests. This in itself made feel very alone and it hasn't left anytime for me to make any new friendships since I have been up here. But, all of that changed about 2 weeks ago. In just one day I got a direct message from God in a very unique experience in how these 3 people came into my life in the matter of just two days at the beginning of February.

But before these 3 individuals were to come in to my life, I made one new friend on January 18th. She also came into my life in a strange way but was just the person I needed that day and I am very glad that she was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend when my partner didn't get on the bus and never came up from Daytona Beach. She was also the person who took care of me that first afternoon of chemotherapy and helped me as I choked on food and threw up all the way home from Gainesville. She wasn't even supposed to be my driver that day, as a matter of fact she just was in the right place at the right time to take me to my appointment.  Because the original transportation driver decided not to take my trip and tried to cancel my trip. Luckily Tara was in Jacksonville and was available to take me to my appointment, even though we were late getting there. I believe God put me and Tara together that day, not only because I was going to need her, but she needed me as well. I got to share my story with her and I found out that she was going through a difficult time in her life as well. We have kept in touch since our meeting that day and I am very glad that we hit it off so well.

On February 1st I went to have some MRIs done. But much to my disappointment I was unable to get them done that morning, because my kidney levels were not good enough for me to be able to tolerate the contrast that the doctor had ordered. Though, had it not been for my tests being cancelled that I was ready to leave the imaging center early. Which put me in the direct path of a really cool lady whose name is Elaine. She was outside looking for a lighter and we ended up going on a little adventure together while we were both waiting for our transportation to come and pick us up.  Because I had been waiting for my ride to come and get me and they were very late, Humana sent another driver to get me.  As I was being driven home I talked to the driver telling him that the radiologist at the imaging center had told me that I needed to go the hospital that my kidney function indicated that I was experiencing renal failure. I honestly don't remember his name, but the more we talked together it became apparent that there was a reason why I  was in his car that afternoon. His sister-in-law had just been discharged from the hospital under hospice care. Apparently, she had given up all hope and had surrendered to the diagnosis that the doctors had given her that she was going to die.  He told me that he really needed to hear my story and history. That it was exactly what he needed to share with her to give her hope and might actually get her to change her mind and decide to fight for her life. I told him to tell her that God is the ultimate physician and only He could decide when it was her time to leave this world behind.

That very afternoon I had already spoken to Dom, and was telling Travis what the radiologist had said about me going to the hospital. Travis's partner was already in the hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia and a collapsed lung.  His recommendation was to call an ambulance and get to the hospital.  Trying to procrastinate and take my time I called my mother and was talking to her on the phone telling her that I needed to go to the hospital. She encouraged me to go and stop waisting time. However, I knew that I was probably going to get admitted so I packed clothes and colostomy supplies. This kept me busy and prevented me from laying down which apparently was a good thing because the ER doctor told me that had I taken a nap that afternoon I would have died in my sleep because my blood pressure was so low my heart would have just stopped while I was sleeping.

The final person whom I was bound to meet is Richard who was my food service attendant that would take care of all of my food orders while I was in the hospital. He was also one of the only people who I had the ability to talk to multiple times a day and kept my mind off of what was going with me. It also gave me some distance between me and my feelings of being abandoned and having to deal with this crisis on my own.  I will admit that I still was upset and angry that Dom isn't keeping in touch with me like I feel he should.  He still isn't talking to me every day like I think he should since that was his promise to me if I bonded him out of jail. However, I should have known that he never means what he tells me when he is in jail, it never works out.  He begged me to keep him out of trouble, but he left and never came back after he had me buy his return trip ticket. Then to top it all off he never went to court and I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know if the bondsman is going to come after me for the money. I am not even sure if they can, I think that I might have a fight on my hands when it comes down to it.

Can you see how amazing God is? How that He brought just the right people into my life at the right moment?  How great these interactions have been on me and my well being?

I believe that if you look carefully at your life you will find that God is working in your life and performing miracles on your behalf daily.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

For you

Another day another time, when one season ends another begins, for with every ending comes a new begining.  If you do not reach out and do something for yourself you can't expect someone else to do it for you.  Have peace and confidence in all that you do.  Change is in the air, and before you know it you will be in another space.

Each season has it's own color and theme, life is colored by the grace and warmth that each new dawn brings. Nothing ventured nothing gained.  You cannot expect something to come from nothing, because nothing ever will. Listen to the sound on the wind and the song of the birds in the air.  Let their joyous melody free you from the mundane. 

Grow from love, because compassion and understanding given will benefit you more when it is returned.  Love hard and love long, because it will keep you strong.  Everything that you put out will be returned to you ten fold.  Trust and believe that everything that you ever need with be granted unto you.  The needs must come before the wants, if not nothing can thrive.

Balance all you do with tolerance and understanding because these are what makes you a stronger man.  Acceptance and peace are gifts that can be graciously recieved and given.  Be open and receptive so that you can grow taller and stronger.

Abide in truth and honesty so that others know you to be a stalwart guardian of peace and love. Integrity above pity, Trust before greed and faith in others should be you work of the day.

For in the end you can only grow if you learn to be trusting compassionate, truthful and strong. 

The future is full of change and hope for you.  I see it all the year long.

May God grant you fortune and prosperity, seek and find your happiness, time can be an enemy or a guide use it to your own advantage. Beware of those that seek to drag you from your path.  Stay true to your desires and keep your goal firmly in your mind.

Love yourself so you can show that love to others.  Do not fear what tomorrow brings because God is with you in all things.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You have got to watch "Miracles from Heaven"

This past weekend a feel good Christian movie opened in theaters across the country.  I didn't know anything about it, but tonight i was searching for a movie to watch and came across "Miracles from Heaven"  starring Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah and various other stars.  The story is very close to my very own story, except it was happening to a 10 year old little girl.  The story is based on a true story and much of it takes place in Burleson, Tx and Boston, Ma.  This story touched me at the very core of my being and I cried throughout the entire movie.

Some of you are believers and know all about faith and prayer.  Others of you may not know what I am talking about.  This story revolves around 2 different themes, one is the stress and strain that an illness can have on the family and the parents of the one who is sick.  But, it also revolves around this little girl and her faith that God was with her through everything.  So much so that her faith brought peace to another child that was suffering terribly from cancer. 

As you watch the movie unfold you will see how the mother's faith was tested, lost and then found again.  You also see that the little girl despite her pain never lost her faith and shared it with those that she came in contact with.  In the end a beautiful miracle unfolds and faith is restored and peace granted.

Pay close attention to the ending of the movie.  Be aware of all the different people that were behind the scenes that the family knew nothing about that were drawn into this little girl's life.  Many people behind the scenes worked through the Will of God and brought this girl's story to the attention of the people that needed to hear it most.  I promise you that even though you may not know it there are people all around you that are touched  and inspired by you whether you know it or not.

This story is a beautiful story and is something that I highly recommend watching.  For anyone who is struggling with their own faith, or who might be going through severe medical problems this film will give you inspiration and hope for a better future and total and complete healing. 

God is the great physician, He knows your body better than anyone.  If it is His will you will be totally and wholely delivered from whatever it is that you are going through.  Open your eyes, because whether you believe it or not miracles happen around you daily and if you are focused on the world and not on your spiritual walk you stand a big chance of missing them.  Prayer is a vehicle for our hopes and desires to be present to God.  Faith is believing without truly knowing the outcome. Faith is believing without seeing and if you have faith and use prayer anything is possible.

My story is very similar to little Annabel's so this really touched home for me.  I am so glad that I stumbled across this movie tonight because I needed to see it after the news that I got on Tuesday.  I know that I am not alone, I know that God is always with me and will carry me through the hardest times when I am weary and down hearted.  But, after seeing this movie I honestly know that I have nothing to fear.

Listen to that small still voice that speaks to you, know that you are in the Hands of God and that there is nothing that is impossible for those of us that believe.

I usually don't go out of my way to talk about movies in my blog, but this is something that I honestly think everyone should see.  I believe that this little girl got to speak with God and recieved the complete healing that she needed.  I also believe that her faith gave hope to little Haley and that made all the difference in the world for her.  Haley had no fear of dying and lived her last few weeks in harmony and peace.

I can tell you that 24 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and was given 18 months to live.  I am still here and I still believe.

May God bless you and touch you tonight.  Take the time and watch the movie, I think you will be glad that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The death of Self

You may be wondering what I mean when I say that self must die.  During my recent hospitalizations I realized something profoundly important.  See, I know that God is with me and has His angels surrounding me at any given moment of the day.  We are truly never alone even when we feel that there is no one with us and feel weary and burdened.  Yet, the truth of the matter is that no matter what you are facing, going through, or experiencing we are truly never left alone and helpless.

Christians believe that when we are born again and baptized into our faith, that the Holy Spirit is imparted to us.  I believe this to mean that when we seek forgiveness for our sinful nature and repent of our sins before God, we are given a Comforter, whom I believe is the Holy Spirit and He takes up residence within us.  The Bible is pretty specific when talking about the Holy Spirit, rebirth and the indwelling and the Comforter is mentioned several times throughout the gospels.  However, when we are born again in Christ our spiritual body goes through a change and this change enables the Holy Spirit to take up residence within our being.  Remember that the body is a temple and should be treated as such and given the reverence and respect the House of the Lord deserves.

But what does it truly mean for one's self to die?  I believe that there comes a time when you realize that nothing you do would ever be enough to over come a problem or difficulty.  You may have some deep seeded fear or desire that you with the Lord to take care of. You bring it to Him in the form of prayer, and we are told that we are to leave it there.  What does that mean leave it there?  It means that once you present your problem to the Lord and lay it at His feet you must then walk away, do not think on it, dwell on it or worry about it ever again.  For if you do any of those things you have not truly left them at the feet of Jesus.

We all have had times when we feel that our prayers are going no higher than the ceiling and maybe you don't understand why, and you become anxious thinking that your prayer is not being answered or even heard. I want to reassure you that all prayers are heard, it is then our job to relinquish them and worry no more.  Know in your heart of hearts that the Lord is going to answer the prayer and deliver you from whatever circumstance you are going through.  Yet, here is the hard part, as humans we are used to doing things on our own, making a difference, and we almost always seem to use the term I.  I did this, I accomplished this, Look what I have done! etc.  Do you realize that you yourself are becoming a block to your own blessings?  Instead of giving credit where it is actually due, you are letting yourself get in the way.

So here I sit in a hospital bed, waiting to have a second surgery and hoping for the best possible outcome.  I know that there are hundreds of people out there right now praying for me.  They are praying for total healing, or maybe for skilled guidance of the surgeons hands or whatever the case maybe.  Those prayers are being heard even as they are thought of and uttered.  But, if I have not totally surrendered myself to the Will of God, I personally maybe the reason why those prayers are not fulfilled or realized.  I must let go of my fear, anxiety and worry and accept whatever God has planned for me and my life, I might miss out on all those powerful prayers that others are saying for me.

I know that even as the Father watches the sparrow, He is watching over me.  He will not allow me to needlessly let me suffer, and no matter what I am going through there is a lesson there that I must grasp and understand.  God is the great physician, He created this thing we call the body and He knows it down to it's smallest component.  He has graced me with the gift of life and if it be my time to go home than I shall rejoice with the Heavenly Host, but if it isn't my time then I have a lesson to learn and strength to be gathered from the experience.  I must truly surrender and accept that God is in control and He has the best healthcare plan in all the universe.

So I leave you now, knowing that I must have some sleep before the surgery in the morning and that I must give over and totally surrender everything I am and what I believe in order for me to receive the full blessing of the prayers that are being spoken on my behalf.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If you only knew

If only you could see the fear in my mind,
the doubt in my heart, then you might understand.

But to the world I only show a confidence and faith,
I show positive living and the light.

I have been called to use my voice to help those
who are victims of pain and strife.

But if you only knew what turmoils that
goes on sometimes inside.

I am human that is true
a war is being fought within my soul

You will never know I won't ever let it show
I walk in faith and in grace

I have been touch by the Hand of God,
I know that I am truly loved and blessed.

The Great Healer has heard all prayers
He has saved me so many times.

Now you know why I have to let my light shine.
It's my story and my song

If you only knew everything that I have been through
You would understand my faith and join in the praise

I want you to know I know what you are going through
I have been there right with you.  So are the angels that protect

You will never find yourself alone or a reject
If you only knew Jesus died for you.

Then you might be in harmony
and see the light that I have inside.

If you only knew God Loves you and
So do I.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Leave it alone!

I know that I have talked to you extensively in 2012 about the past, but something has been in my spirit today and God has been telling me that I needed to put this back out there for someone.  I am not sure who you are, but I am positive that God wants you to remember this simple fact.

So tonight I am going to talk to you about the past.  See there is nothing you can do to change the past, what has happened cannot be changed no matter what you wish.  I have to tell you that when you look back over your life, you are going to see so many things that you will want to change.  But the secret here is that you can do nothing but change whatever it is inside of you that made you act that way.  It was your actions, choices, deeds and who you hung around that influenced those actions that caused those mistakes.  If you truly want to learn and change then you have to self reflect, you have to do some deep soul searching. The answer is right there inside of you.  You have to change yourself, change your environment, change those that you associate with.  In other words, if you are truly serious about change you need to start over, reinvent yourself.  Take those pains and aches of the past and turn them around.  Know that you can, you are the only one that has that power.  Remember looking backwards is 20/20, you can see everything when you look backwards.  Here is something that you might not realize, but the past starts right now, this very moment. You have to understand that everything up until this exact moment is your past.  For we do not know what the next minute will bring, but because we are here and looking at this the present and the past must at some point must be one.

You cannot step forward, move into a new relationship or try anything new if you are carrying the baggage of  your past with you.  It will weigh you down and throw more stumbling blocks in your way at every turn.  You have to accept the past and accept that you can do nothing about it. You may be able to learn from it and change the way you act if a similar situation comes your way.  However, I have to tell you if you keep picking up that baggage no one is going to be able to handle all that you bring to the table. It will overwhelm those you are trying to start something with. So it is very important to forgive yourself and others so that you have the closure you need so that you can move on.  Once you have closure you can drop those bags from the past that are weighing you down so heavily.  Forgiveness is for you and you alone.  Surrender your self-pity, and regain your self-esteem because you achieve balance by seeking knowledge. Truth and harmony are right there for you to pick up and take forward with you, but if your hands are full with your baggage of the past how can you pick up anything else?

You have to remember yesterday is dead and gone.  You must deal with it as you do with all the things from your past, you must walk this walk alone.  Remember that God is just a call away and will help take that burden off of your shoulders, but you have to be 100 percent honest with yourself and Him.  Keep in mind that tomorrow has yet to begin and anticipate the journeys that may come to you on the new dawn.  Adventure awaits the souls that are free, and who live in the moment.  Time has no meaning now as the divine descends upon you.  In the morning all things seem possible, there are no mistakes it is a clean new day.  The slate has been cleansed and you get to start all over again.  God will never ever give you more than you can handle.  All the turmoil, adversity, hurt, and loss only serve to make you stronger.  They give you hope for a new day and new start.  Give thanks for the adversity that comes to you, because the next time you will have the knowledge and the strength to withstand it.

No one ever promised that life was easy.  Who told you that you would only have a garden full of roses?  If you had just roses the thorns would be so sharp that you wouldn't be able to enjoy them at all.  But your garden is full of flowers, weeds, bees and so many other things. It is the variety and the spice that gives us adventure and life.  Make the most of every day because they are a gift from God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It's 2 a.m. and I am still awake!

Believe it or not I went to bed rather early tonight, I had a very long day and couldn't find anything on television and didn't feel like watching a movie, so decided to call it quits.  I actually laid down and covered my head with the blanket and closed my eyes.  Slept maybe 2 hours and something woke me up, there was a chill in the air and I was uncomfortable. I got up went to the bathroom and decided to log back into Facebook.  There was nothing on my wall, but I noticed something over on the right hand side of the screen. My boyfriend's brother had put something up on his wall about being bored and so forth.  I have no idea what made me scroll through the list of posting notifications to find his name, but I did.  When I clicked on his name I was taken to his wall.  Now, a few weeks ago he was in Tacoma visiting my boyfriend and I had made some comments on his picture on my partners wall, but I never sent him a friends request I just subscribed to his public posts.  Anyhow, I digress and none of that is really important.  What is important is that when I got to his page, I saw a picture of my boyfriend all hooked up to wires and tubes sleeping in his hospital bed.   Now this in itself wasn't anything spectacular, except that it was.  See I checked the time stamp on the picture and it was posted at the same moment that I woke up.  Now believe it or not for some reason I thought that the surgery was supposed to be today Thursday, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call earlier in the evening from my boyfriend telling me that he was out of surgery and that it was a success and that he was okay.  I knew that something was up from the tone of his voice so I asked what was going on and he told me that he was in a lot of pain, but that I needed to call him tomorrow on his cell that they were going to keep him overnight and possibly tomorrow.

Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep.  Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture.  Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him.  Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you!  I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God.  I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good.  I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on.  At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.

When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me.  Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith.  Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times.  I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you.  God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you.  God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life.  But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted.  Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that.  I was sick when I was asked to  leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else.  Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable.  Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it.  Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered.  I was delivered and a miracle took place.

Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to.  This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me.  I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached.  This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together.  But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way.  Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida.  There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.

I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this.  It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see.  Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained  and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me.  Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true.  Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past.  It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world.  See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay.  That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on.  He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands.  So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.

See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say.  Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always.  God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do.  The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell.  Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings.  If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us.  There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope.  Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious.  Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away.  Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Something to ponder

I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon and it gave me something to think about and address.  I decided to do it here, and it isn't because I think that her stance and outlook is wrong, but because I actually think that light needs to be cast in the darkness, because all things are revealed in the light.  My beliefs are such that I don't care what you do, or how you do it. I don't believe God cares who you were, but who you are and what you can become.  See, I also believe that we are all called to walk on a path that leads us to a closer intimate walk with Him.  Personal beliefs should not play a part in any of it.  The Word of God, our Bible is an inspired work it is the blueprint to a successful life and walk with God. But, it is open to interpretation, and the Holy Spirit works on us as It wills and sees fit.  If we are not continually open and receptive to the teachings of God, then we are not having a close and intimate relationship with Him. Further, I don't think we ever get to a place where we know everything, nor is there a place that we reach when we cannot still be amazed and sight restored to our eyes.

Now, let me explain a bit about the conversation that we had, and understand that I know where she is coming from and I understand, but I also know a different truth, and when I have a chance to readdress this issue I will bring it up. See in Paul's letter to the Romans, there is a section that deals with Homosexuality, and this is the issue that I was asked about today.  For clarification purposes, I include myself in the gay community and consider myself homosexual.  However, I am not a practicing homosexual, because the ability to have sex is something that at this point in my life is not exactly possible.  Due to the surgeries and illnesses that I have been through.  If you need further clarification, please feel free to email me and I will explain in detail.  I believe that the New Testament is where our focus should be today, the Old Testament is the old way, the old covenant between God and Abraham.  Jesus brought with Him the New Testament and a New covenant and that is where we should focus.  Without going into too much detail, I believe that her stance which she explained to me that Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God.  I would encourage her to re-read Romans again, because there is something that she missed.

I am not going to go into it here any further than that.  I have to say, that we are called on to love one another, to lead by example, it isn't our job to force anything, especially our beliefs on another.  We are to plant the seed of salvation and let it grow.  We are too love the Sinner but not the Sin.  The greatest commandment that Jesus gave was to love one another.  I believe this with all of my heart.  I am comfortable with who I am and with the choices I have made in my life.  I do not regret the path that I am on for I am truly blessed and favored.  I have seen more answered prayer this year and continually I am experiencing Miracles in my life daily.  God brought me into this persons life for a reason and I am beginning to divine where.  Holiness is something that Grace gives us.  We are all bound by original sin, we cannot escape it. However, we were given a way to Salvation and Victory through Jesus. We are too learn from His suffering, we are to follow His example.  Never once did Jesus turn His back on anyone. His Message was always the same and trust me when I say that 2000 + years later it still hasn't changed.

God created each of us in His image, the Bible also tells us that there is nothing on this Earth that isn't good.  He looked upon the world and all His creations and said they were good.  Each of us is convicted in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, we are called upon to do the work of the Lord and live our lives as Christlike as we can.  This is very important.  We are not called on to be judges, we are not called upon to look at a person and determine if their way of life or lifestyle is wrong.  We need to understand that God has a plan and a solution for all things, and resolution of the homosexual conflict is there.  You just need to read it and understand.  I am meeting with my friend on Tuesday for breakfast and I am going to take with me the scriptures that I am referring too and will show her what the Word says.  Now we will see what the Lord does, because if I am right about my friend, being open and receptive to the unconditional love of God her eyes will be opened and a new seed will be planted with in her that might show her something she never considered before.

See as long as we are open to receive the word, and study it, we become it, and live it.  As it becomes part of us that which we do becomes the work of the Lord, it is not my actions or deeds, but the movement of the Spirit within me that will shed some light as I said on the darkness and light will grow and blossom.  Even scholars and learned pastors can still learn and grow from the word.  They sometimes just need to be pointed in the right direction.  Love, tolerance, acceptance, are what the world needs today and that should be the message that we are spreading.  If you preach and teach other than that something is terribly wrong.  Because Christ was all about love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.  Jesus didn't care who you were, what you did.  He only cared about you and who you are!

Keep that in mind when you are talking to others, we are the light that they see in the world we are what drives the darkness away, and it is through us that the Love of God is revealed on Earth.  The reason why we have to go through the trials and injuries that we are tasked with is for us to learn. Because unfortunately man only learns through pain.  If it doesn't hurt they are going to keep doing it and experiencing it.  Pain is the only true deterrent.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you heard of the saying "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true" ?

I am sure you have heard that saying sometime in your life.  I know I sure have, and it is funny that is something my best friend and I were talking about today on the phone.  See, in my believe structure, words have power, and when you say them you put their meaning into action in not only the physical plane of existence but in the spiritual plane as well.  I am a Christian based Wiccan, I teach how both of the religions correlate to one another and how to use the teachings of both to lead not only a fulfilling but also a rewarding life as well.  In the Wiccan religion it is believed that anything you say or do that is of negative consequence will come back on you seven fold.  Now, to understand the law of retribution you might want to think of it in the terms of Karma.  What comes around goes around, as they say.  The law of retribution states that whatever you do to another comes back to you seven times greater than what you did to them.  So you basically have to pay the price seven fold.  This is huge, and people wonder why they have long streaks of bad luck, injury or illness.  It is because of the negative things that we put out into the world.

Eastern philosophy calls this Karma, that the wrongs you do to another, or on the earth or to another creature of the earth come back to you when you least expect it too.  So for example if you were mean to someone in high school, you might not reap the damages you inflicted till years later.  Karma is something that they believe is built up over time and comes back to bite you when it is appropriate.  Well, the law of retribution is very similar, except we believe that whatever you have put out whether good or bad will come back to you, but in different increments.  Negative thoughts and energy comes back seven fold, where positive energy and thoughts come back ten fold.  It can be immediate or gradual in response to whatever you have put out there.

Swami Sivanada sums it up nicely for me "Every wrong action or crime brings its own punishment, in accordance with the law of retribution. The law of causation, the law of action and reaction, the law of compensation and the law of retribution-all these operate together. He who robs another man robs himself. He who hurts another man hurts himself first. He who cheats another cheats himself first. Every wrong action causes punishment first in the inner nature or soul and externally in circumstances in the form of pain, misery, loss, failure, misfortune, disease, etc."  Think of it this way, for every thought or word that you think or utter in anger towards another person is like you are cursing them. You need to take it out of the law of cause and effect, which you can simply do by stating you take it out of the law directly after you speak the words, or think the thoughts.  The best thing to try and do is change the way you think and handle conflict because you never want your own wrath coming back upon yourself. 

Honestly life is too short for you to go around having bad Karma, bad JooJoo or whatever you want to call it.  Because trust me everything comes back on you, and you don't want all of that negativity coming back at you.  Each of us must face the consequences of our actions, decisions, words, and of course what we do to other people.  What I am hoping you will learn is that you can avoid a lot of pain and anguish on yourself if you treat everyone with kindness and love. You might even be pleasantly surprised, that what you get back is going to be much of the same.  See whatever we give out to others, is exactly what we are going to receive back to ourselves.  Keep that in mind the next time you want to loose your temper and swear at someone or tell them that you wish they were dead.  See those exact words have power, and whatever you think and put energy into will become manifest.  In effect you are cursing not only that person but yourself at the same time.  Though you might feel better in the short term, trust and believe that it is going to come back and bite you in the ass sooner or later.  

I have told you many times in the past that if you put forth positive energy you are going to get more positive back, the same goes with love, kindness, generosity and caring.  These are all things that come from the heart and are forms of positive energy. Remember that like attracts like in the spiritual world and what manifest in the spiritual world also manifest in the physical world as well.  In the blog entries I wrote back in April about meditation and creative visualization, I explained a lot of this. I also talked to you about how to ground and center yourself. If you want to protect yourself from other peoples negativity, use visualization.  Visualize yourself being surrounded from head to toe with white light, this will re-enforce the shielding of your body and repel any negativity that is around you.  As the day wears on you might feel that you are being weighed down with negativity and negative energy, when this happens ground yourself.  Which is simply envisioning the suns energy coming down through the top of your head and flowing through your body down to your feet and out into the ground. This will take that negative energy and shunt it to the earth which is our natural ground.

I have even in the past given you examples of how I start my day with a positive mental attitude and how it protects me throughout the day.  It simply a matter of giving thanks for the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me during my life. I do this every morning when I get up and meditate. This sets my mental activity for the day. When you are thinking only about the positive things that have happened to you how can anything negative get in to bug you?  Good question huh?  Another thing that I like to do when some issue or problem is weighing on my heart and mind. I like to write about it. I find it cathartic to write, it takes whatever it is and gets it out of my system.  If it is some kind of issue that I need help and resolution on. I take it with me in prayer at night and I lay those problems at the feet of the Lord.  How I accomplish that is I usually write what has been bothering me or whatever the issue or situation is that I need answered and I take that slip of paper once it is written on, pray about it an then fold that paper and put it in a shoe box and leave it there. That is symbolic to me of leaving it at the feet of Jesus, because once it is on that paper and in that box, I forget about it. I know in my heart that the answer is going to come and I am going to have that prayer answered.

When I left Atlanta in February, I created a box, which I called my prayer box when I got to my father's house. I kept it in the closet.  Every time I had an issue or prayer request or had something that I was worrying about I would write it down and I would put it in that box.  I would leave it there and try never to think about it again. When I moved out of my dad's place, my stepmother and I found the box in my things and we sat down and read through each and every slip of paper I had put in the box.  Guess what, over the 8 months that I had lived with them every single one of those prayers was answered.  Something else that I do and it is just my personal preference, I also put my goals and dreams and desires into that box as well. I pray about them of course and sure enough they too were answered and I was greatly impressed at how God had blessed me and favored me with all those answered prayers in such a short time.

Try it out I think you will find that it will work for you the same way.  Now that I am in my new home I am going to prepare a new box and do the same thing.  But I can tell you that already my prayers are being answered one by one.  My best friend in North Carolina made it home safely and started classes, that was a big prayer and worry that was on my mind and like I said I spoke with him tonight and things are starting to turn around for him.  I also spoke with my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this evening and he told me that he has some furniture for me. I need to find a way to get down there and pick it up, but he has a king size bed and a dresser and a sofa for me.  That is right my prayer from over the weekend has already been answered and I have the beginnings of new furniture and a new home all to myself.  Thanks and Glory be to God for that He is really working in my life and making things happen.

The last thing I want to talk to you about is a state of consciousness or enlightenment called Ka'thulu.  This is a thing that I read about a very long time ago it was in a book called White Magic by Marina Medici.  This state of enlightenment is a level that when reached ever single thing that we say comes to pass.  Jesus was in that state, everything He uttered happened, and each of us has the potential to reach that state as well.  I can tell you I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of some of my friends.  Be careful of the words you speak they have power, they have life and can cause great harm or great good depending on how they are used and uttered.

Keep walking the philosophers path with me and you will come to see what I am talking about.  Also keep in mind that whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve.  It is very important to understand that what you visualize will manifest not only on the spiritual plane, but once that seed is planted there it will manifest in the physical world as well.  Visualization and words of power are very powerful and tricky tools that are given to us to use to benefit the world and mankind.  Be careful not to abuse them, and beware of the dangers of unguarded use. Remember whatever we put out there will come back to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wasn't going to write today....But!

Since I started off this adventure on Friday and have kept you informed about things every step of the way, I figured you might as well know how it all turned out.  I slept in the apartment for the first time last night.  At first I had a little trouble falling asleep. Maybe it had a little to do with the air mattress and the fact that I had acid indigestion, but anyhow fell asleep around midnight only too wake up around 2:15 in the morning.  Couldn't fall right back to sleep so decided to go out on the front balcony and have a smoke.  As I was coming out of my apartment so was my next door neighbor.  He was coming out to smoke too so we sat together and talked.  Glad I went out there at that time, he is a really nice young guy full of energy and hope for the future.  Of course I ran into him several times today as I was running errands and things, and it is great to have someone close to my age that is cool to talk too.

I woke up around 9 am this morning and was trying to toast myself a bagel in the oven.  For those of you who haven't experienced that don't do it. Come to find out that it is really easy to burn the thing if you aren't extremely careful.  Hahaha...anyhow, ate my breakfast and the next thing I know my dad is pulling into the driveway with his truck loaded down.  I mean everything that I had left behind at the house except my crutches and my cane which I don't need at the moment.  I will need the cane after the next operation at least for twelve to eighteen weeks. I honestly hate having my abdomen opened up...takes so long to recover...but oh well life goes on.  Anyhow my father also brought me a number of other things that will make life a lot easier.  He brought me a dresser, a TV table and a huge chest that I can store stuff in, however, at the moment it has this huge old TV that he brought me.  Unfortunately he accidentally ripped off the cable connector from the back so the only thing I can do at the moment is play dvd's on it. But we will see, I was planning on buying a new TV anyway. You know me I am a technology whore and have to have the latest and greatest so I am probably going to end up with one of them smart TV's.

I was worrying about money and how I was going to stretch what little I have left to cover everything I need to pay and still have groceries, and get to Orlando and all of that stuff.  I told you all about that last night, well you know dad agreed to lend me a $150.00 to cover my bills till I get paid, but you know what I have all that money from the hotel coming back that I forgot about so, even after I went out today and bought the pots and pans that I wanted.  Groceries and instead of the dish set settled on paper plates and plastic wear for the time being. I only have to make it till Thursday and then I can go out and buy the dishes I want and the silverware, and get a microwave oven and all the other things that I want.  See I am okay roughing it for a little while, it is just me and I don't have to impress anyone right now.  Like I told you on Friday evening sometimes taking things slowly and working them out has a way of getting us exactly what we want.  So I am good.

With all of that being said I was talking to my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this afternoon and was telling him that I have been thinking about this living room set that I saw at Big Lots that I really liked, and that come Thursday I would have the money get it.  Then it dawned on me that already I am jumping the gun and that I need to reevaluate my priorities. See, there are things that I need to consider and take care of first before I run out and spend that money I have coming in foolishly.  See, maybe I should keep going slowly, and shop around, look at things and make sure that I take care of business first.  I should put some of the cash away that I will have from my paycheck towards, giving this man his deposit for living here.  I know he said that we would break it down over 3 months, but let's get a head start on that by putting a little towards it now, then there is my car which needs an oil change, it needs to have some fuses fixed and the back window is off track and needs to be fixed so I need to invest some funds that way.  Listen taking care of priorities and necessary items first is a good way to ensure that you don't get screwed.  Trust me if my car breaks down, how will I get to work. So she needs to be taken care of.  I also need to put some money into place and get the electric turned over into my name asap. That way all the trust Aaron has put in me isn't wasted. I want to look good in his eyes, and I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of his kindness or that he might have made the wrong choice in letting me have the place.

I have learned over time that if you have a good landlord, stay on his good side, because if needed he will be there to help you out, or be a little more understanding if something unexpected arises.  Further, if you want to stay within budget and make ends meet you have to keep your priority items in focus, it is often easy to lose focus of them and overspend and then when that happens it becomes nearly impossible to catch back up once you fall behind.

Keep in mind when you embark on a new journey or the next phase of your life, you want to reassess and evaluate not only your goals, but your priorities as well. This is important, because you want to keep on top of your bills, and budget yourself accordingly so you don't overspend.  Make sure that the necessity items are always paid first, or plan them out so that they are lined up and ready to go as the funds come available. Remember must haves, come first then luxury items.  If you stay focused on that you will be okay, no matter what kind of adventure you are on.  As I said I need to make sure that I keep the maintenance up on the car.  I am not at home anymore, and I can't rely on dad or step-mom to take me where I need to go unless I make proper arrangements.  No more spur of the moment things.

You know I set a lot of this in motion because my boyfriend has been pushing me to get out and get us a place, how ironic that I have made the moves that he wanted me too and I have no way of letting him know. I hope that he has been reading my blog, he used to read it daily, but something happened back in September and he fell behind in reading it.  Now, understand that I am not the only one he isn't talking to. He isn't talking to anyone, including his family at the moment.  So I honestly know that he isn't angry or upset with me this is just a phase that he is going through.  I did leave him a voice mail tonight telling him I was having my first cooked meal at the apartment, that it was Steak, cheddar and broccoli rice with lima beans, and that I wished he was here in our new home with me.  Yes, I did say our new home, because if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have made as much of an effort to get a nice place like this.  Because I could have stayed in a little motel with just a bed and tv and been just fine.  But, I wanted something nice for us to call home. A place that is close to the beach and the river and not far from all the entertainment stuff.  I want him to have a great experience with Florida, he has never really been here.  I did say in the voice mail that I was concerned and that I wanted to know if he still wanted to be with me and that I loved him.  Even now after all this time I have insecurities, mainly about myself, not about the relationship, I think he understands that more than anyone.  Plus our anniversary is coming up, at Thanksgiving it will be 5 years...I just wish he was here with me.

So what do I want you to learn from everything I have written here, because believe it or not there are a few things I need you to take away with you.  First off, understand that somethings happen to us that are beyond our control, but it is how we handle them that helps us grow and mature.  Second, I refer you back to the blog entry I wrote the other day about realignment, readjusting, reevaluating and moving on.  Remember this when you reevaluate your goals and dreams you must also reevaluate your priorities.  You must realign them and structure them in order of importance, and by that I mean you need to keep in focus the necessity items and put them first then worry about the want to have items.  Finally, no matter what you do and how your are feeling if you are acting out of love know in your heart that love is going to be felt and seen by others, it will be noticed eventually by the person it was meant too. Keep the faith and know in your heart that I am telling you the sincere truth.  They will see the effort that you have put forth for them and it will be rewarded. Finally, if I have learned anything during this move is this "Keep your eyes and heart on God" He will provide and He will bless you for the work and effort you have put forth.  He rewards those that help themselves and takes care of us when we fall short.  Miracles and Wonders do exist my friends, by keeping faith and stepping out, taking that chance you will see how many blessing will flow your way.  Keep your head up.

As always I am here if you ever need to talk, or just want to say Hi.  Feel free to drop me a line anytime. You can send me an email to bryanzepp@gmail.com or you can find me on Facbook bryan.zepp2 or on twitter @bryanzepp.  I would love to hear from you, receive your feedback and your thoughts.  You can also join my blogger site if you want. I encourage you to keep reading and keep the faith.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!

I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend.  Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked.  The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month.  This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week.  However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out.  But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned.  When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go.  Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed.  Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.  

I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff.  I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place.  Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away.  Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it.  Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out?  Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August.  He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I  thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out.  Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway.  Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out.  If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently.  As it is for right now I am good.

This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one.  If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on.  Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself.  So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again.  The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned.  I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.

Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on.  Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move.  See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages.  Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks.  By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.

I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this.  When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly.  Trust that God and the universe will take care of you.  Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment.  Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you.  If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this.  I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable.  Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.

Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me.  But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me.  I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back.  But once again there has been no response.  I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me.  But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own.  Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.

This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents.  I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months.  Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life.  I am excited and happy about all of this.  A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me.  Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing.  This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.

Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one.  Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.

I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.

When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition.  College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror.  Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad.  What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life.  See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.

The reason for this is because of many different factors.  Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time.  As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made.  At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.

Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself.  I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at.  See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out.  It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions.  There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals.  Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school.  Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.

As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made.  Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here.  Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements.  See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey.  Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later.  As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security?  When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me.  Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief.  However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them.  The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.

Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt.  If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself.  See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished.  I was just looking at where I was at now.  Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here.  I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy!  Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.

There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital.  Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year.  In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned.  More than that I have come full circle in my life.  I came back to where I have started.  I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?"  The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now?  Would I have met the same people?  Would I have had the same experiences?  No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions.  So, No I wouldn't change a thing.  The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made.  If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy.  Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made.  I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service.  I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64).  I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of.  There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior.  This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side.  These are my only regrets.

Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today.  I am thankful for their support and friendship.  They have made everything I went through worthwhile!  If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia.  The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well.  It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice.  How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known.  Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today.  I was happy with that job and that life.  What came after was the hard part.

But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with.  Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today.  See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made.  I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had.  I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at.  Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you.  You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia.  In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease.  Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.

These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself.  It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself.  It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person.  It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference.  So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of.  But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses.  I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too.  Let me try to explain further about these things.  You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?"   The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here.  Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen.  Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am!  Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today.  I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it.  The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care.  I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again.  That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.

Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective.  I see the positive, beauty and good in the world.  This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest.  What I want you to take away from this entry is this.  no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at.  What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at.  Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be.  That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself.  It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile.  Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn.  Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it.  Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you.  Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you.  As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.

Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset.  Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works.  Think about it and you will see that I am right!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B