For those of us with Faith the Easter Holiday's are a time of reflection and rejoicing because from tragedy and betrayal comes rebirth, redemption and grace. But more on that in a bit, it isn't surprising that Easter falls during the lasts weeks of March or the first Weeks of April depending on the leap year and how the calendar falls. Before Jesus trial, execution and entombment and subsequent resurrection the earlier religions and faith's held spring rituals to usher in the new spring growth and the fertility of the land. This custom varied in times and dates as well sometimes it would be held in April or as late as May 1. It was also the annual time of year that the populace would come together in towns, villages, and cities. As the warm spring air denoted the earths return from it's dormant period and prior to the new years crops being sown in the fields, celebrations of life and birth could be found everywhere. Spring is when these ancestors of ours would become betrothed and marriages performed and before the fall a new crop of children would be born. Thus, was the world in ancient times. Today life moves at a much faster pace, and people are waiting later in years to get married and some decide not to get tied down like that. Putting their careers before family, and lets face it in today's world divorces are happening much faster than marriages are these days.
Yes, the earth goes through a long dormant season and when spring burst forth in the land and new growth can be seen and warmer temperatures arrive, we all feel more invigorated and full of life. We do our spring cleaning and we get out in the warmer temperatures and explore the wonders of nature. It is a busy time for farmers, because now work has to begin in earnest if they hope to get their crops planted in time. Fields must be plowed and soil fertilized and livestock must be moved to better pastures. It is also the time when we see life coming back to the land, birds returning from their southern homes and wondrous new birth of our woodland friends. Every year the earth goes through this ritual and the endless circle of life continues. In our modern world though it is almost as if the world awakes from a deep grey slumber that has held the land in hibernation and our moods in a dismal space that is hard for us to break through. Of course we have just come through our Holiday traditions that ultimately begin with Halloween and end with the celebration of New Year, but from that time on we look forward to the first rays of spring with the hope that we will make it through the rest of the hard winter and get to once again have time off. See much of the world has to toil and labor daily with only brief breaks in that endless drone of days in our established and practiced holidays. So from Jan 1 to end of March there are no breaks for those in school or who work for a living. But as spring burst forth on the world hope looks forward to the time when we can once again have another break and spend it however we see fit, this has become known as Spring Break. Which is celebrated across our nation and vary from school to school and also varies as to if you are in grade school or college.
Spring break has become a national tradition here in the U.S. and has made places famous for the millions of teenagers and students that flock to these destinations to celebrate the beginning of spring. Places like Daytona Beach, South Beach, Pensacola, Miami and of course all over the west coast and far and wide in between. Spring break has become major business and has brought billions of tourist dollars into communities all across the nation. But to my dismay our religious holiday has once again become corrupted by the populace and has turned into a moneymaking and money driven beast and it just increases year after year. Just look at how fast stores put up Christmas decorations now a days. Industry and merchandising use these holiday's to pressure us into parting with that hard earned dollar that we struggle so hard to make and work all those extra hours to try and save. Yet, before we know it everything saved has been spent on and around the holidays. So what am I wanting you to take away from this entry is that the holiday is that the holiday isn't for going out and partying with your friends and spending all the money you have been working so hard to save. It is supposed to be a religious holiday a time of reflection and give us time to break from our mundane worlds and for that brief period of time share reverence and fellowship with members of our own faith.
Do you know what the Easter Holiday is supposed to represent? It represents just how fickle the people of the world can really become and how fear and prejudice can turn an adoring populace into a blood thirsty mob. I am pretty sure most of you have heard the Story of Jesus Christ and His life on Earth. But, I would like to remind you that our Lord and Savior just one week prior rode into Jerusalem to the cheering of the crowd and the laying of palm branches before his entry. We call this Palm Sunday and it was foretold by the prophet Zechariah of Jesus's entry into Jerusalem. Remember that even as He rode in to a cheering crowd Jesus was already aware of His fate and continued on into the city and did His Father's work. Thus, on that following Thursday Jesus has His last supper with his disciples and then awaits in the Garden of Gethsemane for arrest. From the wee hours of morning on Friday Jesus was to go through 6 trials and be tortured and ridiculed throughout by the very people He had come to witness to and turn them from their ways. But, no the religious leaders and the very members of the church ultimately passed the buck and asked that the Roman Government do away with this heretic and blasphemer as they called him. Remember when Jesus gave the sermon on Mount Olives He called the leaders of the church hypocrites and vipers, These men would not forget the slights they had heard from Jesus and so they beseeched Pilate the Roman governor to try Him. Yet Pontius Pilate could find no guilt in Jesus and wanted to return free Him. The religious leaders call together were called the Sanhedrin would not accept Pilate's rule and forced him to take Jesus to trial before Herod Antipas, but because Jesus refused to talk Herod return Him to Pilate. Jesus by this time had been beaten repeated, abused in so many ways physically and mentally as well as emotionally, but Pilate repeatedly tried to return Jesus to the people having Him beaten to beyond recognition to try and satisfy the selfish whims of the church leaders. They would not hear of it and so Jesus was forced to carry His own cross, wear a crown of thorns pushed down on his head and beaten all the way from Jerusalem to the hill of Galgatha, where even as the nails were driven into His hands and feet the soldiers gambled for His clothes, cursed Him and spit upon Him and still as He was raised up on that cross between 2 condemned thieves, He cried out "Forgive them for they know not what they do". Even then Jesus still looked upon those who just a week before praised Him and rejoiced in His coming to Jerusalem, with compassion and understanding.
Before the execution was complete more atrocities were to befall Jesus, His side would be ruptured by a legionnaires spear, shouts and insults would be hurled and He was forced to drink vinegar and hyssop which would only increase His thirst and agony as He hung there. Jesus' trial, torture and execution were drawn out from Midnight Thursday night/Friday morning to Noon. The next 3 hours the populace stood around and watched as He hung there on that cross, and it was right before 3pm that Friday afternoon that Jesus lifted up His head and cried out in such anguish and pain "My God, My God why hast thou forsaken Me" and in those final moments the cloudy afternoon sky parted and a ray of golden sunlight broke through the heavens and shone upon His face and a white dove was seen to alight from a bush startling several of the roman guards and it flew directly over the 3 crosses that stood upon Galgotha's Hill.
Why have I shared this with you? Because I want to turn you away from the Easter Bunny, the baskets, the coloring of eggs and remind you of the true miracles that took place over this weekend and what it signifies to me and my faith. Jesus knew His fate, the time and hour of His death before ever entering into the city. He would preach to those that gathered around him on Tuesday morning on the steps of the temple and tell that He would be arrested and put to death. Yet, through it all He stayed and did what was expected and required of Him. Men and women have always feared death since the time of Adam and Eve, for knowing that death was to come to them was one of the many truths learned when they ate of the forbidden fruit, yet He remarkably accepted His fate, and only once did He ask the Father to change it and that was while He waited and prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is very significant to our walk of Faith for we should be fearless because through the sacrifice of Jesus, death has no hold over us any longer. What else would I like you to know? That He forgave those that persecuted, tried Him, condemned Him, and eventually killed Him. But He didn't stop there, He heard the confession of the thief that hung next to Him and forgave Him too. "He spoke that I will go there and prepare a place for you also". So compassion, forgiveness and sorrow are traits that we as Christians should strive to emulate and share to the world around us. But even more than that I would like to explain to you my belief as to why Jesus cried out in those final heartrending moments of His life "Why has thou forsaken Me?" In that instant Jesus felt the Father's gaze turn away from Him and He was troubled. But in that moment it was not weakness, it was not fear, it was the acceptance of sin into Him and upon Him, for He was blameless and pure. He took on our sins, now and forever, He became our sacrifice, He became the bridged that crossed the divide that resulted from Original Sin. God could not look upon sin and took His eyes off of Jesus so that the promise of sacrifice could be fulfilled and the gap forever bridged. Jesus became the intercessor.
But here are some other interesting things that you may not know that is significant about the Crucifixion of Jesus. That golden beam of light that broke through the clouds and the white dove are both significant as well as the loud clap of thunder that took place as Jesus took His last breath. The three things taken together are very significant indeed. They mark the promise that God made to Abraham. They also mark the end of being saved by Law. Up until that point man was still under the law and yearly sacrifices had to be made and the high priest was the only one that could intercede on our behalf before God. For you see the temple veil was torn in two, this veil separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the temple and it was where God Himself resided on Earth in the temple. Only the high priest was allowed to enter. Thus it marked the old testament and as such we are no longer bound by the law, for we are no saved by grace. Jesus' teachings if heeded give us all the necessary ingredients we need to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He only gave some very simple to follow rules and guidelines to follow. So why is it so hard for today's Christians to get it together? Why is there so much separation and strife within the Church?
In all of the teachings of Jesus, He stressed love for fellow man and to be accepting and forgiving. Now many Bible scholar's believe that there are quite a few commandments given by Jesus throughout His ministry. Yet, some of what these scholars deem as commandments are actually Jesus laying out the foundations for a whole new church that was not based on the original ten commandments that are in the Old Testament. When Jesus was asked which is the greatest commandment Jesus replied " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second Is love your neighbor as yourself." Jesus stated that "all the law and the prophets hand on these two commandments." This can be found in Matthew 22:36-40). I hope you realize that this is my interpretation and I did not write the versus directly as they appear in the Bible. I also find that the Golden Rule pretty much summarized the statements above. For those of you that don't know the golden rule it can be found in Matthew 7:12 and it goes like this "Do unto others what you would have then do unto you",again not the entire verse, but the meaning has not been altered. Jesus said "children obey your parents so that your days upon the earth may be many" and "go out and be fishers of men." and "I am the way the truth and the light no man may come before the Father without me." To me this sums up what is now expected of us. Again, Bible scholars list quite a few more, but they are self explanatory and show a stark difference from the original ten commandments.
Jesus wants us to love and honor one another, to build up and not tear down each other. Our reward is not here on earth but when we get to heaven. Life is our proving ground and as a believer we should strive daily to live our life as Jesus did. None of us are perfect and we must pick ourselves up and rebuke sin and our wicked self daily.
Easter to me is about remembering the sacrifice of our Savior, and it is a celebration of His life, His teaching and His death and Resurrection. It shouldn't be another merchant corrupted holiday that is carefully crafted with bunnies, baskets and eggs. We should remember that through Grace we are saved and sanctified with salvation. For without the blood shed by Jesus on that cross the great divide that existed between God and man caused by eating of the forbidden fruit wouldn't have been bridged.
This is the time for us to reach out to our fellow man with a hand of love and compassion, to give of ourselves and turn away from vengence. We are to hate the sin and love the person, our greatest gift we can give to those around us is compassion and love. How much better a place the world would be if it was full of love. That we could break the bigotry and hate that is so prevalent today. Beware of any church or organizations that teach divisiveness and intolerance. Who ostracize others because the are different in some way or don't believe the way they do for this is not the teachings of my Lord and Savior.
So as I leave you tonight I would like to remind you that each and everyone of us was created in the image of God, but we are human and we make mistakes. How we handle and come back from those mistakes makes us unique and stronger. Each of us has within us the capacity to do great good or great evil and the line between the two is very thin indeed. So, appreciate those that love and care for you, pray for those that don't and be ever vigilant. Love often and completely, you will be amazed at how much love you get in return.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Alright God I am listening!
You have got my undivided attention. Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through? I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me. It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding. Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing. To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Something to ponder
I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon and it gave me something to think about and address. I decided to do it here, and it isn't because I think that her stance and outlook is wrong, but because I actually think that light needs to be cast in the darkness, because all things are revealed in the light. My beliefs are such that I don't care what you do, or how you do it. I don't believe God cares who you were, but who you are and what you can become. See, I also believe that we are all called to walk on a path that leads us to a closer intimate walk with Him. Personal beliefs should not play a part in any of it. The Word of God, our Bible is an inspired work it is the blueprint to a successful life and walk with God. But, it is open to interpretation, and the Holy Spirit works on us as It wills and sees fit. If we are not continually open and receptive to the teachings of God, then we are not having a close and intimate relationship with Him. Further, I don't think we ever get to a place where we know everything, nor is there a place that we reach when we cannot still be amazed and sight restored to our eyes.
Now, let me explain a bit about the conversation that we had, and understand that I know where she is coming from and I understand, but I also know a different truth, and when I have a chance to readdress this issue I will bring it up. See in Paul's letter to the Romans, there is a section that deals with Homosexuality, and this is the issue that I was asked about today. For clarification purposes, I include myself in the gay community and consider myself homosexual. However, I am not a practicing homosexual, because the ability to have sex is something that at this point in my life is not exactly possible. Due to the surgeries and illnesses that I have been through. If you need further clarification, please feel free to email me and I will explain in detail. I believe that the New Testament is where our focus should be today, the Old Testament is the old way, the old covenant between God and Abraham. Jesus brought with Him the New Testament and a New covenant and that is where we should focus. Without going into too much detail, I believe that her stance which she explained to me that Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God. I would encourage her to re-read Romans again, because there is something that she missed.
I am not going to go into it here any further than that. I have to say, that we are called on to love one another, to lead by example, it isn't our job to force anything, especially our beliefs on another. We are to plant the seed of salvation and let it grow. We are too love the Sinner but not the Sin. The greatest commandment that Jesus gave was to love one another. I believe this with all of my heart. I am comfortable with who I am and with the choices I have made in my life. I do not regret the path that I am on for I am truly blessed and favored. I have seen more answered prayer this year and continually I am experiencing Miracles in my life daily. God brought me into this persons life for a reason and I am beginning to divine where. Holiness is something that Grace gives us. We are all bound by original sin, we cannot escape it. However, we were given a way to Salvation and Victory through Jesus. We are too learn from His suffering, we are to follow His example. Never once did Jesus turn His back on anyone. His Message was always the same and trust me when I say that 2000 + years later it still hasn't changed.
God created each of us in His image, the Bible also tells us that there is nothing on this Earth that isn't good. He looked upon the world and all His creations and said they were good. Each of us is convicted in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, we are called upon to do the work of the Lord and live our lives as Christlike as we can. This is very important. We are not called on to be judges, we are not called upon to look at a person and determine if their way of life or lifestyle is wrong. We need to understand that God has a plan and a solution for all things, and resolution of the homosexual conflict is there. You just need to read it and understand. I am meeting with my friend on Tuesday for breakfast and I am going to take with me the scriptures that I am referring too and will show her what the Word says. Now we will see what the Lord does, because if I am right about my friend, being open and receptive to the unconditional love of God her eyes will be opened and a new seed will be planted with in her that might show her something she never considered before.
See as long as we are open to receive the word, and study it, we become it, and live it. As it becomes part of us that which we do becomes the work of the Lord, it is not my actions or deeds, but the movement of the Spirit within me that will shed some light as I said on the darkness and light will grow and blossom. Even scholars and learned pastors can still learn and grow from the word. They sometimes just need to be pointed in the right direction. Love, tolerance, acceptance, are what the world needs today and that should be the message that we are spreading. If you preach and teach other than that something is terribly wrong. Because Christ was all about love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. Jesus didn't care who you were, what you did. He only cared about you and who you are!
Keep that in mind when you are talking to others, we are the light that they see in the world we are what drives the darkness away, and it is through us that the Love of God is revealed on Earth. The reason why we have to go through the trials and injuries that we are tasked with is for us to learn. Because unfortunately man only learns through pain. If it doesn't hurt they are going to keep doing it and experiencing it. Pain is the only true deterrent.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, let me explain a bit about the conversation that we had, and understand that I know where she is coming from and I understand, but I also know a different truth, and when I have a chance to readdress this issue I will bring it up. See in Paul's letter to the Romans, there is a section that deals with Homosexuality, and this is the issue that I was asked about today. For clarification purposes, I include myself in the gay community and consider myself homosexual. However, I am not a practicing homosexual, because the ability to have sex is something that at this point in my life is not exactly possible. Due to the surgeries and illnesses that I have been through. If you need further clarification, please feel free to email me and I will explain in detail. I believe that the New Testament is where our focus should be today, the Old Testament is the old way, the old covenant between God and Abraham. Jesus brought with Him the New Testament and a New covenant and that is where we should focus. Without going into too much detail, I believe that her stance which she explained to me that Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God. I would encourage her to re-read Romans again, because there is something that she missed.
I am not going to go into it here any further than that. I have to say, that we are called on to love one another, to lead by example, it isn't our job to force anything, especially our beliefs on another. We are to plant the seed of salvation and let it grow. We are too love the Sinner but not the Sin. The greatest commandment that Jesus gave was to love one another. I believe this with all of my heart. I am comfortable with who I am and with the choices I have made in my life. I do not regret the path that I am on for I am truly blessed and favored. I have seen more answered prayer this year and continually I am experiencing Miracles in my life daily. God brought me into this persons life for a reason and I am beginning to divine where. Holiness is something that Grace gives us. We are all bound by original sin, we cannot escape it. However, we were given a way to Salvation and Victory through Jesus. We are too learn from His suffering, we are to follow His example. Never once did Jesus turn His back on anyone. His Message was always the same and trust me when I say that 2000 + years later it still hasn't changed.
God created each of us in His image, the Bible also tells us that there is nothing on this Earth that isn't good. He looked upon the world and all His creations and said they were good. Each of us is convicted in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, we are called upon to do the work of the Lord and live our lives as Christlike as we can. This is very important. We are not called on to be judges, we are not called upon to look at a person and determine if their way of life or lifestyle is wrong. We need to understand that God has a plan and a solution for all things, and resolution of the homosexual conflict is there. You just need to read it and understand. I am meeting with my friend on Tuesday for breakfast and I am going to take with me the scriptures that I am referring too and will show her what the Word says. Now we will see what the Lord does, because if I am right about my friend, being open and receptive to the unconditional love of God her eyes will be opened and a new seed will be planted with in her that might show her something she never considered before.
See as long as we are open to receive the word, and study it, we become it, and live it. As it becomes part of us that which we do becomes the work of the Lord, it is not my actions or deeds, but the movement of the Spirit within me that will shed some light as I said on the darkness and light will grow and blossom. Even scholars and learned pastors can still learn and grow from the word. They sometimes just need to be pointed in the right direction. Love, tolerance, acceptance, are what the world needs today and that should be the message that we are spreading. If you preach and teach other than that something is terribly wrong. Because Christ was all about love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. Jesus didn't care who you were, what you did. He only cared about you and who you are!
Keep that in mind when you are talking to others, we are the light that they see in the world we are what drives the darkness away, and it is through us that the Love of God is revealed on Earth. The reason why we have to go through the trials and injuries that we are tasked with is for us to learn. Because unfortunately man only learns through pain. If it doesn't hurt they are going to keep doing it and experiencing it. Pain is the only true deterrent.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 2, 2012
What would you do if you knew the world was ending?
I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth. It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time. I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction. Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise. I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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