The lack of the ability to sleep. Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time. I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night. When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone. Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
Showing posts with label extended family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label extended family. Show all posts
Friday, September 14, 2018
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Extend yourself
We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up. Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst. Like it or not you are stuck with them. But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close. Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people. Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.
Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended. My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried. Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered. A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away. Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family. Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing. I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.
Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed. My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently. However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her. This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then. Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got. The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten. But, family dynamics are far from predictable.
No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit. However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are. Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude. These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart. They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad. The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt. These are the friends that you need in your corner. These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.
Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow. So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay. Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze, They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant. As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.
You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of. I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones. Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them. Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.
Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them. No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be. Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email. Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.
I would leave you with this one piece of advice. Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place. There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended. My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried. Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered. A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away. Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family. Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing. I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.
Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed. My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently. However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her. This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then. Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got. The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten. But, family dynamics are far from predictable.
No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit. However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are. Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude. These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart. They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad. The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt. These are the friends that you need in your corner. These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.
Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow. So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay. Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze, They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant. As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.
You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of. I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones. Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them. Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.
Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them. No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be. Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email. Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.
I would leave you with this one piece of advice. Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place. There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Family can get a little confusing but learn to love and accept them they will be there for you when you need them
Despite how confusing and dysfunctional your family may seem to you, be assured that there are other families out there that make yours look like a walk in the park. It doesn't matter if your parents are still together or if they have divorced and remarried or whatever. Anyone in your family is just that family. They will be there for you when you are going through things, they are a support network. The only people that are going to be there for you when the chips are down and your back is to the wall. I am writing this because so often in life we distance ourselves from our families, loose touch, aren't as open and communicative as we can be. I want you to understand that no matter what your family has your back they are going to be there for you when everyone else has taken advantage of you and abandoned you. Sure they may be harsh, condescending and stubborn, they may be an argumentative bunch, seem to be indifferent, but let me tell you when something happens to you, they rally around you and are there for you in whatever way they can. That is what families do. As I have pointed out in several blog entries, you cannot depend on anyone else out there in the world to have your best interests at heart and have your back, with the exception of family. Now this is the first time I have brought up the subject of family, so I am going to describe to you my family and how it is a normal every day dysfunctional family unit, but how we pull together and help those that are in trouble.
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 2, 2012
What would you do if you knew the world was ending?
I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth. It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time. I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction. Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise. I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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